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Do you use negative coping skills
to reduce your numbness, your

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panic, your feelings of being alone
or maybe rage or something else?

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You're absolutely not alone.

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I think a lot of people do that.

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Those emotions are really
challenging to say the least.

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In this episode, I'm going to share a
framework with you for understanding

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and slowly stopping those negative
coping skills so that you can

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relieve your shame and your judgment.

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My name is Justin Sunseri.

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I'm a therapist, a coach, and the creator
of the Polyvagal Trauma Relief System.

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Welcome to Stuck Not Broken,
where I teach you how to live

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with more calm, confidence, and
connection without psychobabble.

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What I'm going to share with you
is actually a clip from one of my

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meetups with my private community.

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I'll have more information at the
end of this, if you're interested

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in joining us in the next one.

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I mentioned the polyvagal theory
in this clip and things like

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behavioral adaptations and
safety state and stuff like that.

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If you don't know what the
polyvagal theory is, that is okay.

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I have a link in the description for you.

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It's a free resource.

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It's a webpage.

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You don't have to give me your email.

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Don't have to sign up for anything.

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It's just click the link, go to that
page, read up on the polyvagal theory.

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It's pretty quick.

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And then come on back here and you'll
get more out of this conversation.

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And by the way, this is not
therapy, nor is it intended to

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be therapy or replace therapy.

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Enjoy.

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If you're, if you're able to notice
the activation and withhold the

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behavioral adaptation, if you're able
to notice the activation and pull

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back on the behavioral adaptation.

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And maybe give yourself a little bit of
time to feel it and then allow another

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thought to pop in your mind or your
safety anchoring menu or whatever it is.

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Yeah, that'd be ideal.

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That'd be fantastic.

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These behavioral adaptations, if
they're destructive, don't do them.

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If it's, you know, cutting, I
don't want people to do that.

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Like I work with people that
they do struggle with like I

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want to eat to feel better.

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Like, okay, let's just, just respect that.

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That's a way that your
body's come up with.

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And it has been successful in a way
it has successfully contained your

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defensive activation and made you feel
better So in a way it kind of has worked.

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Okay, let's just respect it for what
it is But what I'm hearing is that

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you want to do something different.

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Great.

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That's that's fantastic So it's really
hard to stop that but I recognize you

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want to stop that So that what we can
do then is the next time that you notice

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yourself going toward the Oreos or the
Whatever it is, ice cream, whatever.

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The next time you notice yourself going
to that, if you can just kind of catch it

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and tell yourself, I'm allowed to, I can
do this if I want to, but I'm gonna give

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myself five minutes before I do, you know,
or I'm allowed to eat whatever it is.

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I can do that.

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I can make that choice.

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I'm an adult.

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I can do that if I want to, and
I'll give myself permission, but

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I'm going to go first, take a deep
breath in another room or maybe

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walk around the block or whatever.

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I'm going to do something else.

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And then when I come back, if I still want
it, I might give myself permission to do

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that without, without judge, it's just
a choice that I'm making at that point.

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So it could look like that.

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Like it's, it might buy you
a time, a little bit of time.

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You're giving yourself permission
if you want to, but you're also

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taking complete ownership over it.

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Like if you do choose to do that,
that is just a choice that you're

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making and there's no point in
beating yourself up over it.

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And we'll see what happens next time.

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So I, I think it's not a bad way to
go about it either is catching it,

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give yourself permission, but the con,
the contingency is that you got to do

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something to, to create that time in
between the behavioral adaptation and the

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realization of the behavioral adaptation.

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But that requires doing that, right?

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It's a framework.

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Think of it as like a framework
because if you can catch it and do

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something different, that's ideal.

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Go ahead and do that.

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But that is very, very difficult.

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So as like a step toward that as like
an intermediate step, that's where

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this idea could play in, which is
give yourself permission, but the

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rule is you have to do something else.

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The step before that would be to
completely deprive yourself of

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whatever the thing is and just,
you don't have it in the home.

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That way it's not even an option.

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You know, that could be a very
extreme step in the other direction.

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So it's like, how do we make
steps toward the goal of, I

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want to reduce my binge eating.

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What's the step toward that that's
going to help you out this next time?

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Because it will, it will come up again.

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And maybe you can be honest with
yourself and say, I can't handle,

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first off, I won't even be able to
notice that I'm in the behavioral

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adaptation until I'm actually in it.

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You know, so I'm not that far enough
along with my safety state development

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to recognize it before it's there.

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Or maybe you're far enough along to
where you can recognize it before

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that first bite, but then at that
distance, it's like, I can't fight this.

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And maybe that's real or maybe
you're far enough along in developing

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your safety state where as you're
walking towards the kitchen You're

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like, oh, I I know what's happening.

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I see it happening.

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I see it unfolding before me And so
it's like what I think it's kind of

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like where can you notice that the
behavioral adaptation is kicking in?

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Ideally, you notice it as some mild
dysregulation before it even kicks

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in So it's just like it's how can we
break this process up to make it work?

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more likely that somebody will do
something that's a safety anchoring

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exercise or a UDS exercise.

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How do we make it more likely
you'll do something like that

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versus, uh, not, I guess.

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The extreme other side is
having a F it attitude.

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Yeah.

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So that, that would be the extreme of
behavioral adaptation is that you're,

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someone is in dysregulation and they've
reached maybe a fight or rage F it.

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So that's one extreme.

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The other extreme is I deprive
myself of anything that.

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Maybe I do genuinely enjoy it.

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Maybe I like Oreos a lot.

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But the other extreme would
be I just I can't have access

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to this and maybe that's real.

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Maybe that's that's what someone needs.

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In between those extremes though,
I think there's a lot of options

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and maybe it's I've caught it
and I can do something else.

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Great job.

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Pat yourself on the back.

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Maybe it's, F it and I'm gonna
do it, but I'll restrict myself

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to five versus ten Oreos.

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I'm just saying Oreos as an example.

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I have no idea if that's
anybody's a go to or not.

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But maybe it's F it, but
here's my constraint.

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I'm gonna eat my five Oreos
and then I'm gonna scream.

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I don't know.

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Maybe the adaptation is F it.

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I'm gonna eat as many Oreos as
I want, but I have to take one

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deep breath in between each one.

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None of these are gonna be pleasurable.

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I'm not saying that whatsoever, but
how can we go from the extreme to

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You know, toward mindful, how can we
work our way back toward mindfulness?

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And so all or nothing does not
typically work for most people.

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If you could do it, go right ahead.

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If someone could do all or nothing
great, but there might be like a baby

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step the next day or today that you
can make that someone can make today.

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And then the next day it's
like, can I do one step better?

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Can I do one Oreo less
compared to yesterday?

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Maybe.

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Or can I take two deep breaths
in between each Oreo versus one?

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So can we get that, you know, can we, can
we draw out the potential for more safety

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in our system and less dysregulation?

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You sort of like preparing yourself.

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Yeah, I think the preparation,
that's actually the, that's

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the second stage of change.

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Uh, the first one is.

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Not even being aware you need change.

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I forget what they call that, but the
second stage is Contemplation the third

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one is I think preparation and that's
where you know, you have a problem You're

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not quite ready to do anything about it,
but you're preparing for it You're putting

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things into place and maybe one of those
things is having you know, this is my

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final day I'm gonna give myself two weeks
to do whatever my behavioral adaptation

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is But every day I'm gonna do it less
and less and on this final day, that is

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the day I'm gonna stop Preparation could
involve something like this, like that.

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Preparation could be, I know I'm
going to do this thing anyways.

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How can I minimize the impact
that I'm having on myself?

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You know, what else can I set up?

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Maybe that's a deep
breath in between bites.

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Maybe that's a regulation station
where you go and use your safety

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anchors or fidgets or coping skills.

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Um, so yeah, the ideal is that we
can have food and be at peace with

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it and be in the moment and taste
it and enjoy it and socialize maybe.

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Right.

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That's the ideal.

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And maybe that's, that's actually
one end of the extreme is the ideal.

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The other end of the extreme
is complete dysregulation.

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This is my behavioral
adaptation kind of thing.

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So how do you work toward
that, toward the ideal?

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And maybe you'll never get there.

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That's not the point.

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The point is how can you work your
way toward that, which would have

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more self regulation involved.

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Thanks for joining me
here on Stuck Not Broken.

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Being stuck can show up in many different
ways, like anxiety and anger, depression,

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overwhelm, panic, fear, and more.

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You probably get the idea.

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And you might be using one of
those behavioral adaptations that

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we mentioned in this episode, like
binge eating, as a way to cope.

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If you're ready to take the next steps
on getting unstuck without spending

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a ton of money, then I invite you
to consider subscribing to my Stuck

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00:09:09,676 --> 00:09:12,316
Not Broken Total Access Membership.

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You'll get exclusive access to
the knowledge you need through my

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Polyvagal Trauma Relief System.

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I have three courses that teach you
the Polyvagal Theory, how to build your

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safety state, and then how to actively
get unstuck from your traumatized state.

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You'll also get the option of connecting
with me and other people in the

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private community discussion board,
but also our meetups, and there's some

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really cool things happening within;
there's a great little community.

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And if you want to go even deeper
into your unstucking process,

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there's some other stuff for you
like a second exclusive podcast.

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Thank you so much for spending
some time with me here on

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the Stuck Not Broken podcast.

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I really look forward to
welcoming you into the Stuck Not

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Broken total access membership.

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I'll have a link for
you in the description.

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Other than that, I hope this episode
has been a helpful resource for you.

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Bye.

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This podcast is not therapy,
not intended to be therapy or

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be a replacement for therapy.

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Nothing in this creates or indicates
a therapeutic relationship.

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Please consult with your therapist or
seek for one in your area if you are

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experiencing mental health symptoms.

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Nothing in this podcast should be
construed to be specific life advice.

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It is for educational and
entertainment purposes only.

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More resources are available in
the description of this episode

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and in the footer of justinlmft.

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com.