[00:00:00] Christy Rutherford: So what's the difference between suffering in your smiling and smiling from your soul?

[00:00:05] Debra Arrington: It's hard to put words around it because it feels so good. I've just changed. I've changed in those relationships. And that changed my outlook. I've built self confidence and through the process too, and, you know, taken my own for me what I know I can do, which I question and I know you'll say, I still question that. I'm working on it, I'm better. And so that just gives you this powerful happiness from deep inside, and it's really hard to explain to someone the difference if you haven't experienced it.

[00:00:57] Christy Rutherford: Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self-care advocacy.

[00:01:05] Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic. Surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too. You can have it all, if you believe you deserve it. Christy and her guests will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:24] Welcome everyone to Why She's Winning. Debra, I'm consistent with it. Today, I have the amazing and fabulous Debra Arrington.

[00:01:35] She is currently the Information Technology transformation officer for. Okay, let me get, hold on. My southern accent is coming up. I must have been senior country music.

[00:01:49] Debra Arrington: I understood it. So it's OK.

[00:01:51] Christy Rutherford: Huh?

[00:01:52] Debra Arrington: I understood it. Cause it's the same for me.

[00:01:54] Christy Rutherford: My Southern has arisen. Let me back up a little bit and start over. Sorry. Debra Arrington is currently the information technology transformation officer for General Dynamics Bath Iron Works. She has spent the majority of her career in business consulting and program management with Oracle Consulting, PwC, Pricewaterhouse Cooper, and IBM Global Business Services.

[00:02:22] Her experience is across multiple industries, including telecommunications, manufacturing, government, defense, and healthcare and life sciences. She has global experience with IBM. Clock that. Working with various countries on their industry solutions. Debra has an executive MBA with an international focus.

[00:02:46] She is a certified project management professional and has a credential in organizational transformation. Welcome, Debra.

[00:02:55] Debra Arrington: Thank you. Happy to be here.

[00:02:57] Christy Rutherford: Awesome. All right. Happy Friday everybody. So Debra, always my first question, which I love, what was going on with you when you were like, you know what, I need to do something different. Let me call somebody. What was going on?

[00:03:13] Debra Arrington: It's interesting cuz I was on LinkedIn and I kept seeing your post. I wasn't really thinking I needed anything, but I kept seeing your post and it intrigued me and I thought, you know, I could probably use this. And I was thinking, when I decided to reach out to you about coaching that I was gonna get coaching on my career, and then I talked to you and found out that that wasn't my problem, which you assessed in about 10 minutes.

[00:03:53] And yeah, I know. And suddenly I started thinking differently and I was very surprised at your astute ability to hit me in the head with what was going on in my mind and my life and my history. And I was, you know, I could not work with you in the team and that's really how I ended up starting working with you.

[00:04:24] Christy Rutherford: So what was the real challenge that you had? Because here's the thing, a lot of women, and you don't have to go like nitty gritty detail, right? But just the overarching, a lot of women think that the job, I want something different, even if it's within the same organization or outside the organization.

[00:04:45] We think that our jobs need to change or something needs to change within the job where really the change that needs to happen is within you. So what was the overarching, cuz won't tell all your business on here, like the challenge that you were having that I ended up smoking out in the first 10 minutes of the conversation.

[00:05:03] Debra Arrington: Well, I think you shared that with the name of this talk and the power of forgiveness. So I already recognize. I didn't connect the dots with working with you before I talked to you, but I already recognize that I had issues with family and others and my history and my life, you know, forgiving and forgetting even though I'm a Christian and I know that's what I'm supposed to do and I'd been working on it and I was not successful in some of those cases.

[00:05:37] And forgiving myself and so I really didn't realize that not being able to do that effectively and successfully was hindering my ability to do a great job in my career. Cause those things in your life, obviously now I know, carry over into your whole life. And if you can't fix them, you're not going to progress like you want to. That was my biggest challenge.

[00:06:14] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. What was it that I said to you? Cuz I'm gangster.

[00:06:19] Debra Arrington: Just a little. But we love you.

[00:06:25] Christy Rutherford: This is why I was stuttering in the intro, cuz I was dragging her five minutes before Leandra would understand. Right. So we got Leandra, Shrylle and Missy we got clients on the line.

[00:06:36] Debra Arrington: They're here for you Debra. They're here to hold you up.

[00:06:38] Christy Rutherford: I know they are.

[00:06:38] Dragging us for five minutes before we click go live. So I was still in the mode of, and then I had to come off and be like, Welcome everyone.

[00:06:51] I should have came off your forehead two minutes earlier. At least I would've been able to make the transition. So what was it that I said to you that made it click? Like, what was that one statement that you were like? Cause a lot of times what I say to people or what I say to women is not necessarily a popular opinion, but you be like, you Right. What was one of the things that I said that made you like.

[00:07:21] Debra Arrington: In that first conversation we had? Yeah. You said, Your problem goes back to your childhood. You haven't dealt with things from your childhood. And I was like, what? But you know, it did resonate. I couldn't deny it. I guess that's what I said to you. Wow, I wasn't expecting that. How did you know that? And the fact that you figured that out in a five or 10 minute conversation scared me because I'm like, whoa.

[00:07:56] You know, everybody sees that. Oh so that's, you know, you just hit the nail on the head and I felt it, I knew it.

[00:08:05] Christy Rutherford: So, the thing about it is whenever we have scenarios that continue to happen again and again and again, it's to be like, Okay, so you've had this happen. Like I to a woman a while ago where every two years she switched jobs

[00:08:25] Every two years. Right. And she was like, I'm I get sexually harassed like, I have to quit my job every two years. This is a quick side story, but it's good work with me. And she's like 55. I said, so you've changed jobs every two years for 30 years. You ain't that fine, I mean, I've seen your picture, but ain't nobody that fine where they gonna have to leave their job and their career and keep starting over again and again.

[00:08:55] That wasn't Debra's challenge. So you look at sideways like that wasn't Debra's challenge. I'm just trying to give a story. Right. But it was because of something, you know, that happened from her past that she brought into the job. So every time, you know, if you're a person who you say, this job has done it to me again, and it happened in the previous two jobs where typically that was constant in every new job that you show up in is you.

[00:09:22] Debra Arrington: No, and you did catch that too, as we talked about in my career. It's easy to blame others for your own shortcomings or, things you haven't dealt with.

[00:09:38] Christy Rutherford: And this is the thing, the challenge that we have is that we will judge ourselves. But we can change it. Does that make sense?

[00:09:47] So it's not necessarily a shortcoming, It's, Lord, forgive me for I know not what I do. Michelangelo said, and I was talking to the women last night, is when you know better, you do better. So we have to ask for forgiveness of spending 10, 15, you know, 20 years I did it. I cried for like three days about, oh my God, I can't believe I spent 15 years of my life and now I'm 40 something.

[00:10:11] So anyway, let's move on. What was most surprising to you about yourself when you actually started to do the work and started to look within? What was most surprising to you?

[00:10:23] Debra Arrington: Well, when I started going through the forgiveness book, and you get to a point in the book where you have to write down your emotional triggers, and I wrote down a hundred.

[00:10:42] I was like, mm, this is a problem. And I just realized that forgiving myself was as important as forgiving anyone else. And you know, I'll probably jump ahead a little bit. But I had to learn to say no, and I had to learn to be okay with that and protect myself and feel okay to state how I felt in an appropriate manner, you know, with love and kindness.

[00:11:14] And so that book was definitely an aha moment. And the calls with the team, you know, the ladies who are on the phone and others. It was so helpful because they had my back and they had been some of them in similar situations or different ones that they were struggling with, and it was a very safe place.

[00:11:40] You know you can't always talk to people in your life about this kind of thing because they don't wanna listen. That's not what they're there for. And I missed my weekly calls because, you know, that was strengthening and supportive and those are still people who are supportive to me.

[00:12:04] Christy Rutherford: So let's talk about. We'll stay on that and then I'll ask you the question about saying NO. I have women who reach out to me and they're like, Christy, I wanna do one on one. And I'm like, no, I don't do one on one anymore. And it is not that my one on one is not effective. Because it is, it's because there's so much power in being in a group of other women.

[00:12:28] I was saying what was most surprising to you about, you know, being in that group with women who were likeminded?

[00:12:37] Debra Arrington: Well, and I'll tell you, I mean, initially when you said that I was going, oh, I had to work with other coaches and other people and you know, I got to work with Kathy Wright and Raquel Naranja and they are wonderful coaches.

[00:12:52] Wonderful coaches and they're a little less take you as a prisoner, but you know, you got to be on occasionally and help with that and I love you for it. But that whole experience as much listening and understanding, you're not the only experienced woman who has things you have to work on and that others can chat with you as you're talking and cheer you on and say, I understand you know, text you later.

[00:13:29] When we all started dropping and moving to the next phase. You know, there is true love for those people that we worked with. So the experience is valuable that way, in a way that I don't think one on one coaching, not that you're awesome, you are awesome, but having that other people and getting used to talking about yourself in front of other people in a trusting environment and get feedback is something that is a good experience and a good thing to learn how to do. Not that you're gonna do it every day, but it does help you in your life, I think.

[00:14:09] Christy Rutherford: Ooh, that's good. So Kathy's on Kathy said, thanks.

[00:14:14] Debra Arrington: You're awesome.

[00:14:15] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, Cathy is like, I call Cathy the silent assessing. You said take you as a prisoner. I have a different coaching style. It's a little different. Then we got Leandra, team Raquel, Raquel has her own group now.

[00:14:31] Debra Arrington: Oh, okay. You're lucky, she's awesome.

[00:14:33] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, she's amazing. So here's the thing. I always talk about how women are suffocating, right? Like, we're suffocating in silence and we can't tell anybody. Or we tell people who don't listen or they don't understand. So to have a place where you can actually express how you really feel without judgment is so amazing. Go ahead.

[00:15:03] Debra Arrington: And I want to say, you know I mean I started working quite a few years ago and what it's not is a bunch of, you know, powerful women getting on a call and complaining about the men they work with, which would've happened when I came out, I got out of college and became a professional.

[00:15:28] You know, it's a different mantra today, you know, today it's about what do we need to do ourselves. It's not their fault, it's how we work with them, and that's always been how I felt. But it was a minority point of view. You know, when I got out of college.

[00:15:49] So I just want women who are considering this to know this is not a, what I don't wanna say a capital B session. That's not what it is. It's a learning session. It's a, you know, helping session and you have to come with an open mind and wanting to work on yourself.

[00:16:13] Christy Rutherford: Yes. That's the key. If you wanna just talk about your job, y'all got to go somewhere else. And I tell women all the time, I've talked to women who I get on the phone and they're like, I want my boss to see me differently. Okay, great. Do you wanna change? No, I want him to change how he sees me. Or do you wanna change? They are deathly afraid of changing. You can't blame them when you are the common denominator.

[00:16:51] You're creating that your own suffering. Again, let last night, like, am I creating suffering for myself is what I told the women last night to ask themselves when they're angry. Because I work with angry women who I love. You weren't angry. I work with some angry women. I love you. And angry women like to be right. Powerful women like to be right. So there's a difference between expressive anger or holding on to, or you're kind like that smoldering rage with a smile on your face that's even more dangerous

[00:17:28] Debra Arrington: Yeah. And I remember when I worked on my forgiveness that I came back after an experience that everybody was in the journey with me. And the next week, I think it was, you know, Kathy said, oh my gosh, you look so happy. And so even though I was smiling, it wasn't deep in my soul until I followed the rules and I listened to what I was being told, and in very scary, you know, it was a very scary moment for me.

[00:18:04] I did what I needed to do and then to come back to that trusting group of people who I believed and trusted and had been on that journey and have them say, wow. And then everybody starts saying it, you know, wow, you look so different. That's very powerful.

[00:18:24] Christy Rutherford: So,

[00:18:25] what's the difference between smiling? Cuz I always say it's a bunch of women with some crack smiles. I can see it too. We can see it. Once you're on the other side of it, you can see how many women are suffering while they're smiling. Whoa! That was good. So what's the difference between suffering in your smiling and smiling from your soul?

[00:18:49] Debra Arrington: Oh, that's a good question. It's hard to put words around it because it feels so good, I've just changed. I've changed in those relationships. And that's changed my outlook. I've built my self confidence and through the process too, and, you know, taken my own for me, what I know I can do, which I question.

[00:19:24] And I know you'll say I still question, but I'm working on it. I'm better. So that just gives you this powerful happiness from deep inside, and it's really hard to explain to someone the difference. If you haven't experienced it. Trust me, it's worth it.

[00:19:45] Christy Rutherford: So you're still in the monthly, so you're not done.

[00:19:48] Debra Arrington: I'm not done. I'm done with the weeklys, but I'm still in the monthly. I just had to miss last week.

[00:19:54] Christy Rutherford: It's all right. So here's the thinh, like what you just said, you're gonna say you're still working on it. That's why we have the continuing.

[00:20:03] Debra Arrington: Yeah.

[00:20:03] Christy Rutherford: Does that make sense?

[00:20:04] Debra Arrington: And it's great. Yes. It's great.

[00:20:06] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, it's great. I wanted to, there was so much power in your ease now. There's so much power in your forgiveness that I wanted to address that today. A year from now is gonna be completely different. So we haven't talked about the other part yet because you're still in that journey, but what you can share is a part of where you are right now and what you've conquered.

[00:20:30] And so I talked to a young lady a couple months ago and she said that she was coaching and she was nervous about going too far with people. And I said, You can only teach somebody what you are. And once you start to get past what you haven't done for yourself, but what you've read about, then you've gone too far.

[00:20:57] So we can only teach you. Cathy can only teach you the piece that she has and then all the other things fall into place. So we're still working on you. You still a work in progress? I'm gonna bring you back three months from now. You be like this update on Debra. So let's talk about you saying no and being okay with that.

[00:21:19] What was it like to consciously? Cause typically we unconsciously say yes to a lot of stuff. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And and then we're mad. What was it like the first time you consciously said no to somebody?

[00:21:39] Debra Arrington: Well it was really scary and that conversation had to repeatedly stop the other person and say, okay, I need you to stop talking and listen to me. I need you to hear me. This is about what I need to say. And that was difficult, but we got through it.

[00:22:06] And then, I got through the conversation and we had hugs and you know, I felt immediate relief, immediate because I had finally said what I needed to say and truly had forgiven because when you can't say what you need to say and saying, you know, no, to the things that are continuing to go on.

[00:22:40] And I gave options, you know, I didn't go in and just say no, I said no with these options. So they had an opportunity to be part of that, right? To make their own choices and have to live with those. And so, it felt really good. But it was hard. I mean there's no denying the team, my group can tell you it took a lot of, I had written stuff down and then came to the group and like, okay, I think I'm gonna do this.

[00:23:13] And that support, it actually turned out I even planned it, that that conversation would happen like the night after the group meeting, so that I would go with all this power behind me and support. So, it was good and it is continued to be good, that relationship. It's continued to have set, you know, a whole new perspective between us and understanding.

[00:23:41] Christy Rutherford: So typically what happens with a lot of us is we do stuff feeling burdensome, thinking that we're planting seeds that we're going to yield a harvest for because we're doing it in service, but we're planting negative seeds because we really don't wanna do it. So we can't say we're going to be of service.

[00:24:04] And we do it with an attitude expecting to reap a good harvest. You planted a bad seed, you're going to reap what you sow, right? So that's the first understanding. So once you get clear on what you want, now we have to train the people around us to now operate in our new desire for freedom.

[00:24:32] Debra Arrington: Yes, exactly. We have to be consistent. You know, I couldn't fall back on old habits. And so, that's sometimes painful. You know, I'll get a comment about, I wish you wouldn't do that . And, you know, that's fine, it's fine. It doesn't bother me now. Cause it's like, okay, that's how you feel. Okay. Not how I feel. No problem. You know, I've stopped trying to change the other person. I can't change her. I can only change me.

[00:25:09] You know, one of the quotes, I mean, I've got so many quotes in my journal that I love and listen to over and over again and Abraham Hicks one of the best things I think was when she said, People will love you. People will hate you, and none of it will have anything to do with you. And that's a powerful thing to learn.

[00:25:41] Christy Rutherford: So how does that, because freedom is what we really want and we never have it because, I want you to come off the one scenario, because I want you to put it up a little bit. Does that make sense? Okay, great. Because that opens up so much in other areas of your life. But the one anchor point is what needs to be solved for everything to open up.

[00:26:08] Debra Arrington: Yeah, for sure.

[00:26:10] Christy Rutherford: So a lot of times, you know, and we've done it right, like, it's the basis of my philosophy of trauma default. What is your default response to stress? What is your default response to trauma?

[00:26:25] What's your trauma default? When you're put into a situation, what is your default setting that's typically rooted in one or two things? So what I go for, let's get this route and then the 25 other things just kind of fall apart cause you can spend your life trying to patch 25 leaks in a water hose or you could just turn a water hose off.

[00:26:48] So how did that scenario of saying hear me, cuz we talk to people that we love all the time. They don't hear nothing like we just marriages, kids like nobody people that were, they don't listen to us, which is frustrating. And then you get into this whole downward spiral. So how did that conversation of you pausing to say, hear me, this is what I need to say. How did that open up other areas and channels in your relationships?

[00:27:20] Debra Arrington: Oh yeah, I mean, I think, that experience changed how I talked to my daughter and, you know, I'll say, oh, gee, I'm repeating things. I need to stop, I'm sorry. It affects me at work. I mean, I have more confidence and can step back and, deal with things that come up and say, well, how am I gonna deal with that and directly deal with it instead of, you know, just letting it go.

[00:28:01] It's just a different way of confidence, you know? It provides and it's not easy, you know, there's no magic wand that you do that big thing and then it's all gonna be easy. It's definitely not easy. It's a lifelong, I imagine learning to stay that way. And that's why, you know, I have to listen to my inspiring YouTube talks on the way to work, or my dancing music with my top down in the summer, or I'm sure I look ridiculous to everybody on the road, but that's okay. I don't care.

[00:28:41] And, you know, I have to do things, my affirmations every morning and I have to do my reading and my exercise and all those things go into helping me to be who I'm becoming and not go back into that trap of who I've been.

[00:29:05] Christy Rutherford: Ooh, that's good. I hope you didn't rehearse the questions that I sent you, cuz none of these questions that I'm asking you is on that paper. Okay, great. So the hard work that you talked about is self-care.

[00:29:20] Debra Arrington: Yes, that's true.

[00:29:23] Christy Rutherford: Now, like you labeled all of them. I listen to music, I do my affirmations. I read, I dance, and I've been saying this for years, I exercise. Women don't understand the power of creating a ritual of actually carving out time to work on yourself.

[00:29:44] Debra Arrington: That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And I actually, you know, one thing I hadn't been doing, and I started consciously doing this week cuz I'm really busy at work is to take an hour lunch with my friend.

[00:30:00] With a friend and you know, just relax for an hour a couple of times a week. So, you know, you always have to keep looking for what I can do to take care of myself, right? And so I hope to continue that because I plan to, because it was helpful, you know, in a busy environment. It's been helpful and it's okay.

[00:30:27] Nobody cares that I do that, you know, but you have to. Who cares? Nobody cuz I'm gonna get my job done and that's what should matter.

[00:30:37] Christy Rutherford: That's so powerful because we don't think we can go to lunch because they're going to need us. S We're self consciously, we're self-imposed limitation in holding ourselves hostage to always be available to everybody while we're crazy and tired. Everybody is busy.

[00:30:57] Debra Arrington: Yes, that's true. Everybody is busy.

[00:31:00] Christy Rutherford: So you were like, and this is what's so funny because it is easy for us as women boss women, bossy women. To tell other people what they need to do to take care of themselves. You have consciously, you said consciously it is hard work and I'm thinking it's gonna be something bad.

[00:31:22] You're like, what's the big reveal? I started going to lunch for an hour. What? Right? What? That's the thing. That's huge for a woman in leadership. Huge!

[00:31:38] Debra Arrington: It is, unfortunately. And you know, there's one other thing I was thinking about when I was thinking about this interview. And it's not only in my case, being a woman in leadership, you can probably relate to this, but it's being a southern woman, you know, I was raised Miranda Lambert has a song called Mama's Broken Heart and the chorus is, go and fix your makeup, girl, run and hide. You're crazy. Start acting like a lady cuz I raised you better. Gotta keep it together even when you fall apart. But this ain't my momma's broken heart.

[00:32:18] And you know, so on top of everything else, us that are southern women, have this whole history generational of what a lady is and what we're supposed to do and how we're supposed to take care of our family and be that way in our work environment.

[00:32:37] And, you know, the news that I don't have to be that person. I'm still a lady, I'm still care for my family and people around me. But you know, I'm a business woman. I know my stuff and I don't have to stay in the corner, you know?

[00:33:01] Christy Rutherford: Ooh, that's good. Yes. Palisa said I carve out two hours every day for my daily walk. Insane, for a high achieving busy lawyer, right? No one said a word because the work still gets done. So, we blame other people for why we can't take care of ourselves. Blame their kids and their husband for why they can't take care of themselves.

[00:33:27] Right? And then we're sick while taking care of them while we're sick. Some women can't imagine. They get angry, Debra, when I tell them these are the women who choose not to work with me, which is okay. They get angry when I tell them, you know what you need to do to get promoted? Take care of yourself. No, they want their boss to see them in a different way. If you crazy, he see crazy.

[00:33:57] Debra Arrington: If you're tired, he's gonna see tired and you're not gonna be as productive.

[00:34:04] Christy Rutherford: You took words outta my mouth. Go ahead.

[00:34:06] Debra Arrington: No, I mean, we have to have rest and I'm guilty still. I mean, I have a lot going on and sometimes I'm not good about that. But I have to keep reading and listening and trying to get back on track when I fall off the wagon.

[00:34:24] Christy Rutherford: But here's the thing that you created, which Abraham Hicks always talks about. You created the vortex. So you have something that you're moving towards, you know what it feels like to have joy in peace, and you move towards it and then you pop out and you be like, but I know what it feels like. And then you pop out, you know?

[00:34:43] So Abraham Hicks says, I love knowing that I have the vortex because when I get into the vortex, good things happen to me. But when I get outside the vortex, I get excited cause I get to go back to the vortex that I know what exists. And then I pop out and then I get excited. Cause I know what I'm going back to.

[00:34:59] So we have this point of the goal, with all of you is to create that one point of joy, which is that high that we're always chasing. We're always like, and then it's like, okay, well now that this is, and once you get here and it becomes normal, now you say, okay, I wanna come, I want to be higher

[00:35:24] Debra Arrington: Yeah, no, absolutely. We should all be striving for that.

[00:35:29] Christy Rutherford: What are your thoughts on cuz you talked about it so, you know, on top of the, how do I say this? Which one came first? The habits or the forgiveness, or did they happen simultaneously and the habits allowed you to ease in the forgiveness. Which one happened first? Do you remember?

[00:35:52] Debra Arrington: I really had the forgiveness happen for me first. I was following the habits and I remember I started that first week with forgiveness and got on the call and was like, oh man, this is hard. And everybody said, oh, you know, you can wait till like week four.

[00:36:16] So I did follow, you know, I think it was, that would've been a lot later for me to deal with the forgiveness. But you know, karma happens, right? Whatever you wanna call it. In my world, it's, you know, Heavenly Father's gonna tell you when you need to know something. So that was a night early on when they said, oh, you can wait four weeks.

[00:36:41] And then that night I got a text from that person and that I said no to in the text and I had to deal with it right then. So, you know, whatever you have to deal with, you have to deal with. And once I did that, I was able to follow all the rest of the stuff. So for me it was first.

[00:37:05] Christy Rutherford: So here's the thing, cause I was talking to some women last night who were like, oh, I'm gonna wait to go through the forgiveness, you can forgive now.

[00:37:13] Debra Arrington: I had to forgive now.

[00:37:15] Christy Rutherford: That you were holding a ball of fire. Yeah. That was tense. And you're holding it, walking around with it like a torch. And once you just let it go, it's just a decision to let go.

[00:37:31] Debra Arrington: Yes. It happens, everything you let go, I mean, it was such a big decision for me and action for me that, you know, it didn't make everything else easy as you know, I'm still working on things, but it allowed me to focus on the rest of the stuff that I needed to work on.

[00:37:50] Christy Rutherford: When I think about, when the scripture says, tell the mountain to go. If anybody believes that they can tell the mountain to go throw itself into the sea, it shall be done unto them.

[00:38:05] The mountain is this huge insurmountable problem that everything that you can solve on your own is on the other side of that, but we're walking around with this ball of fire that we think that we can't let go. Go throw yourself into the sea and if you believe that you can be delivered from it.

[00:38:27] Like a lot of women have panic attacks or they're depressed. And I wrote a quote yesterday and I was like, Ooh, that's good. Stop, instead of coping in your anxiety or your depression, you can be delivered from it. If we just let go of the one thing that we're carrying around that we don't think that we can solve because it's going to hurt somebody's feelings.

[00:38:50] Or it's gonna be inappropriate, or it's not gonna be right. Or this person is gonna be so angry that they're gonna leave forever when you really need to be freed from that.

[00:39:01] Debra Arrington: Yes. And you know, I've found that when I'm true to myself, those relationships have sometimes turned around and then become very good relationships.

[00:39:15] So it didn't necessarily end the relationship, it just helped to improve it. You know, I was listening to Joel Osteen last week and he said I'm gonna paraphrase, I don't remember exactly how he said it, but if you don't have major things, get in your way, you know, when that happens, that just means that God has many bigger things for you because Satan's gonna try to stop people who have a great future.

[00:39:52] And you know, I think you have to become aware that it's okay for things to be put in your path. And we won't talk about the thing. I'm never to mention again in my past because I'm not talking about it anymore. But what I've learned is I learned a lot from bad experiences, and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have learned it. So it's positive, you can look at everything positive.

[00:40:23] Christy Rutherford: Napoleon Hill said, for every seed of adversity there is an equivalent seed of benebfit. So before we end, we got four more minutes. So you are going to visit your daughter for christmas.

[00:40:38] Debra Arrington: I was, Yeah. Do you want the story?

[00:40:47] Christy Rutherford: I want the, how you prepared in harmony, or won't say in harmonious relationship, but then I just messed the whole word up. Right? And then what was the byproduct of that? Does that make sense?

[00:41:03] Debra Arrington: Yes. So I was going out for Christmas and there's just some difficult things going on in my daughter's life, so I'd been working really hard on myself and I wanted to bring that to her.

[00:41:18] The positive to her. And so it's a six hours to get to her flying. And I spent all my time listening and reading, listening to my favorite things that have come out of the course and reading I'd gotten before I downloaded a ton of very helpful books. I read Bob Proctor and you know, took notes and I really focused on that.

[00:41:44] And had a lot of prayers and we got there and, things went really well. And at Christmas morning, well, not Christmas Eve night, a bunch of stuff was delivered to her front porch and we lived looking at it Christmas morning and it was a ton of gifts to her and her kids.

[00:42:14] That was anonymous, a secret Santa. And all it said was, love you Steph. And it included a chunk of change. And people you know have no idea when you're going through a tough time, how much care like that means to you? It was not only touching to her, but to her dad and me because we love her. And I think going into that situation with a positive attitude and belief that things were gonna work well for all of us that week.

[00:43:01] Certainly set the stage for positive things to happen. Would it have happened anyway? Possibly. I mean, you know, she is loved by many people who really want to make her feel loved and wanted. So I don't think I can take all the credit.

[00:43:22] But I think it certainly helped me and her to set the stage to be positive and stay that way, you know, the whole holiday. We had a great time.

[00:43:37] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, we're gonna take credit for that. We're gonna get that. So here's the thing, right? Like you are ready to go and, when we expect and anticipate drama, we're gonna get exactly what we want.

[00:43:48] And we all have family where we don't have the best relationships or there's always something popping off, always. So the instruction was if you do the work before you arrive, because what happens is once you get high. Which is my how do I say? Our recipe. I'm gonna get you high, man.

[00:44:09] I'm gonna get you high. So once we get you high, life will want to bring you back down. So it's like, okay, so if you anticipate coming down, what are you going to do to stay here and bounce down, bounce back up because you wanna stay in joy and freedom. So talked about was doing more in anticipation. We can all anticipate, even if it's a funeral, people pop on, you know, family at real crazy when somebody die.

[00:44:39] Like, it's insane. Like if we're going into the fire. How can I now hold my new reality when I'm going into a volcano? And it's all mental, so is it true? Maybe, right. So it's like, okay, so now you said I was reading on the plane, I was doing my affirmations, I was doing this, this, this, this, this.

[00:45:04] And you actually started to 2x what you were doing anticipating something. And it's not an inharmonious relationship with your daughter, so, you know, I just wanna clear that up.

[00:45:12] Debra Arrington: No, no, no. We're great. With the three of us. My husband and daughter and me.

[00:45:19] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. I just wanna clear that up. So we didn't leave that behind.

[00:45:21] Debra Arrington: That's an external situation. Yeah.

[00:45:22] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. I didn't wanna leave that open to interpretation, so people would not do that.

[00:45:26] Debra Arrington: I appreciate that.

[00:45:28] Christy Rutherford: And then when you expect it, you arrived. Not expecting the volcano. You arrived expecting peace and joy and harmony, and laughter and love, and I don't know how it's going to happen.

[00:45:45] And then boom, boom, like the doorbell rings, y'all open the door, all these toys and you called it a chunk of change, a of bills. Right. Like a chunk of bills show up anonymously you got what you expected. And one day, Debra, hopefully before the four months is over, in your own, you created that with your mind and your expectation, and God was like, here you go.

[00:46:24] Debra Arrington: Yeah. I understand that. And you know, and I will say too, over time I mean, she's been working really hard herself and I was back out last week and she's happy, you know, she's really happy and that makes and the kids, I mean, that just makes it even better. So we're learning together how to take care of ourselves and you know, I think that is great for us and our relationships and her relationships and I'm so proud of her. I'm really, really proud her.

[00:47:03] Christy Rutherford: So, I honor you. Right. Thank you for allowing me to crack you in the head when we get on the phone because, you know, initially a couple months ago, cause I always tell women, we always want other people to change, but it only takes one person to pick up the mantle to change generational stuff forever.

[00:47:26] Like if you want peace in your house, you become peace and everybody will have peace. But we want peace externally before we think that we can have peace. Once you became peace, everybody around you started to have peace based on just the one radiating light in the family, and it only takes one person to say yes, so I applaud you for that.

[00:47:50] Do you have any closing comments for any of the the listeners and the audience on the line?

[00:47:56] Debra Arrington: Well, you know, I would just like to say to anybody who is considering working with you what I think was most important, and I would recommend is, that you listen and accept advice and you'd be willing to share yourself in the calls.

[00:48:21] Do everything you're asked to do, whether you understand it, believe it, or think it's good, and do it, do it with open mind and confidence and be on every call. You know, don't miss calls. You can't get that back and keep an open mind and last journal and, contemplate how those lessons relate to your life.

[00:48:49] And then you can go back and see that. And as you progress, you can see that the difference from week one to week eight or week nine or month five I have filled up a journal, since the end of September. So it's been an excellent experience and it's not over, and I'm glad for that.

[00:49:14] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. We always evolved. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

[00:49:16] Debra Arrington: Yep. No, I just wanna say thank you. You know, I appreciate you, even when you knocked me upside the head. , I only got off one call where I had to, you know, sort of think why did that happen? And it was needed and I understood that and, you know, I was like, wow, okay. I need to work on that.

[00:49:43] Christy Rutherford: Lea99ndra, who's all up in the comments, always be like, you need to put on a helmet. And I'll be like, No, you put your crown on. And we were, in the inbox going back and forth the other day and I said, the hardest thing that I do. There she go.

[00:50:03] Debra Arrington: Let's see. To get it on right.

[00:50:04] Christy Rutherford: Kathy, you see that?

[00:50:08] Debra Arrington: Oh. I don't have my pins to keep it on my head.

[00:50:10] Christy Rutherford: Gotta get my pins to keep that. Oh, that should go. Oh, I like that. She got that hair. That hair. All right. All right. Debra busting the crown out. . That's what I'm talking about. So, the women have lit up the lines. They love it. They appreciate your feedback, they appreciate you sharing your story.

[00:50:29] Debra Arrington: Oh, well thank you. Thank you everyone. I love all of you.

[00:50:31] Christy Rutherford: Yep. Yep. So y'all can join me. You just get on my email list to ChangeNowChristy.com. Get my free case study and learn how to get a 30% raise. Get your peace without burning out or getting another degree, stop getting all these degrees.

[00:50:45] Or you can join me tomorrow from 9 to 2. Tomorrow is Saturday, for the Superpower Method virtual experience, you can go to the SuperPowerMethod.com and let me get these last two. Kathy said, Come through Crown.

[00:51:03] Debra Arrington: Love you, Kathy.

[00:51:05] Christy Rutherford: Ok, Hold on. Okay. Leandra. Oh, all of them. All of them are coming through. Debra, give you the shout out. Palisa said what at Crown. Kathy said yes. Leandra said yes for the Crown.

[00:51:23] So anyway, I appreciate you. Thanks everybody for joining us. We have to jump. Debra don't hang up. I appreciate you all for showing up. I appreciate the VFM women for showing up and supporting their sister you know, as she just shared the lessons that she's learned.

[00:51:37] So, I greatly appreciate you for showing up and really just sharing, and this is what I really want women to know. It's one, it's never too late.

[00:51:47] Debra Arrington: That's very true. I could be the mom of some of these ladies, so that's okay.

[00:51:55] Christy Rutherford: It's never too late to change. And what I really, the reason why, you know, we shared these interviews is not necessarily about client acquisition.

[00:52:03] As much as it is about, I want women to know that they can change. Because I was stuck and we implode mentally first. And we fall apart, not knowing that the high achieving, ambitious, bad ass queen, lionsness, queen bee, we can change and we can have the quality of life that we desire and deserve.

[00:52:29] So that's really what this is about. So thank you so much for showing up and showing out Debra. Bye y'all.

[00:52:35] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow", all one word. Again, "changenow" to 6 6 8 6 6. Until next time, go out and win bigger.