SFX: News Intro

NEWS READER: (at mic)

Good morning to the Front Range, and thanks as always for tuning in to XTTY: Independent Internet News and Music for Fort Collins, Loveland, and Longmont. It is 7:59, skies are clear, and today’s high is 68°

And this morning, breaking news from Denver International Airport. We’re receiving multiple reports that all the alcohol in the entire airport complex has been replaced with either water or unsweetened iced tea.

Commercial distributors that supply various airport vendors have been issuing statements, and all insist that deliveries were conducted as usual. No one can seem to pinpoint the problem in the supply chain.

Meanwhile, managers at casual dining restaurants like Poppin’ Pedro, Seafoodies, and Tumbleweeds Rattlesnake Grill are all dealing with irate customers. One server, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Who wants to be sober at the airport? I get it. I just wish they weren’t taking it out on us.”

More as this odd story develops. But for now, let’s hear from local band Aisha with their latest release, “The Fuck You Think You Talkin’ Too Willis?”

SFX: Theme music fades in then out.

WINIFRED: (sotto voce)

…in the vents? Are you serious? Oh, I’m so sick of him…

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and the very first one is pull up your boots!

As you may have heard in the vents, we’ve got a few escapees from one of the labs. And they are angry. These little fellas are about four inches tall and are inclined to bite. While they’re not venomous, they really grab on there! Extremely unpleasant. So wear your approved villainous black leather boots, medieval greaves and sabatons, or snake-fighting garb until we round all of them up.

Oh, how many of them are there? Well, ask your precious “Doctor” Frankenstein!

For the undeath of me I do not understand why you people still take him seriously. He lied about his degree, he mopes around like a junior high goth, and apparently, he has terrible lab security practices! As if we didn’t already know that.

I swear, I’ve got half a mind to head up to the arctic research base and see if we can’t find that nice, sewn-together Adam fella. Deal with this problem once and for all.

Anyway, they may be arming themselves now. Imani in facilities said she found a rudimentary bow and some arrows made with a paperclip and a rubber band and toothpicks from the cafeteria in Sector 8. Sounds like goggles might not be a bad idea. And if you think you’re not getting a write up, Victor, think again! One more toe out of line — yours or anyone else’s — and I won’t bother looking up your creature. I’ll handle you myself.

Apologies to everyone. We have some fun news too. I just…I get aggravated when people don’t adhere to established SOPs. We put them on the company intranet for a reason, people.

In happier news, we may be welcoming a new species to our organization! Do you remember the experiments with sauerkraut in the fridge closest to the primary reactor core? Well, as it turns out, they yielded some very interesting amino acids. Thankfully, since we have real, accredited scientists here, they’ve used those amino acids to create some fascinating proteins!

Now, I don’t pretend to understand the science. Back in my day, four humours were enough, so I never really got the hang of the Periodic Table. But the whole biochem group sounds very excited. They’ve been chittering away, clicking those fantastic mandibles and waving their antennae.

And speaking of exciting, we’ve got a new announcement from one of my favorites of our partners. Let’s hear from Donner Party Planning, shall we?

[Donner Party Planning: For the discriminating palate and the indiscriminate killer.]

Oh, thinking about Donner Party Planning always makes me so hungry. I guess you could say I’m down with DPP — yeah, you know me! C’mon folks. Their name was Naughty by Nature. You think I didn’t give them a listen?

Y’know, I think I might see if I can round up enough of those homunculi to make a chef’s salad. Oh! Or a nice club sandwich with lots of greens. Sometimes you just want something healthy.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!