Another question on my social media was,

I have strayed from my

relationship and had an affair,

but I am cautious and

concerned about just being

open about it and telling my wife,

but I don't like the feeling

of it being a secret,

and I'm caught in this

internal conflict inside,

what advice could you give

me to deal with it? Well,

that does happen. It's quite,

I can't say that it's more

men than women though,

my observation that men and

women both have these things,

these affairs on the side. I'm just going

to hit at this from a broader angle.

First,

if you are in a relationship and

there are many things mounting

up that are unfulfilling, and you're not

getting what you want in

the relationship, first,

do an inventory on whether or not

what you're expecting is a fantasy and

unrealistic that no human being is going

to provide. If so, get accountable,

ground yourself and stop

being amygdala driven into

fantasies and get grounded on what a real

relationship or a mature relationship

offers. There's no such thing

as a pleasure without a pain,

a happy without a sad, a kind without

a cruel, a peace without a war,

a pleasure without a pain, a

support without a challenge,

a generous without a stingy.

There's always two sides to the coin

and our own hedonic adaptation and

treadmill and our own

paradoxes of hedonism

will automatically force us to face

the pleasures and pains over time.

But if we aren't mature enough to see

that you're going to get both of those in

a relationship and that's what true love

really is, the pleasure and the pains,

and you keep holding this idea,

I want a pleasure without a pain,

I want this passionate frenzy

of somebody wanting me all the

time or whatever,

then that immaturity needs to be

addressed and ground yourself or otherwise

you're just going to keep going from

one relationship to the other until you

finally wake up and realize that

there's pain in that pleasure seeking.

The Buddha says the desire for

that which is unobtainable,

and the desire to avoid

that which is unavoidable,

is the source of human suffering.

So if that's the case, address it,

and confront it,

and speak about it to your spouse

before you stray and say, you know,

I think that I'm having these unrealistic

expectations on you to be a certain

way and I'm unfulfilled

as a result of that.

Because depression is a comparison of

my current reality to fantasies I'm

addicted to and I'm not fulfilled,

and I'm expecting you

to change to fulfill me,

when sometimes I just have

unrealistic expectations.

Ground yourself and get

real, if that's the case.

And get some objective people around

you to help you see that if that's not

easily seen. But if it is

something that's not unreasonable,

the expectation, find out what the

values are of the their spouse,

because people want to

fulfill their highest values.

If you help them fulfill their highest

values, they're more receptive to you.

They give you more latitude and

flexibility, and they're more resilient,

they're more fulfilled, they're more

likely to engage in appreciation of you.

And you may not have to do anything

in a relationship to stray.

But also,

if you end up having

unfulfillment and then you feel

vulnerable and somebody comes along

that you didn't expect and you found

yourself vulnerable with

impulses and you did stray,

you have a number of

ways of addressing that.

You can sit down and ask yourself,

what did you learn from it?

And is this truly an impulsive,

transient stimulus or is this a

potential more fulfilling dynamic?

You may not know initially.

Most people when they do that,

they try that out and they

keep themselves quiet,

rule this affair out, or in.

If it looks like it's going places

and they're wanting it as much as you,

and it looks like a better

package than what you're with,

you'll probably store up everything

you resented in the person before and

download it on your current

partner and so you can

justify and get out of that

relationship, go on to the next one.

If it's not what you thought and it turns

out to be a fatal attraction and weeks

later it turns out to

be a dud, not a stud,

then you may backtrack and all of

a sudden appreciate what you got.

And this relationship, in some cases,

can make you appreciate what you do have

and make you realize how unrealistic

expectations that were driving you or

the fantasies that you needed to break,

or completions of things, or how

to more effective communication.

In that case

if you learn something from that and

you're appreciating your spouse even more,

you might take the time and ask yourself,

how is that experience a great

blessing to you? Because ultimately,

if you grow from that

experience and learn from it,

you may come to a point where how it

helped you and helped your spouse.

You may find yourself more attentive

and the spouse is now getting more

attention and more

affection and appreciation.

You may find yourself more

generous as a compensation,

and you may find out that

they're getting that benefit.

And if you can accumulate

how it's transformed your

life and made you appreciate

your spouse and partner and maybe do

more amazing things and they're getting

more benefits out of it, as

those accumulated benefits occur,

you may just appreciate it and

learn your lesson and move on.

You may not have to bring anything up

and you just realize you got your lesson,

and appreciate that that's what

you did, that's what it took.

Sometimes people are pushy and

encouraging a marriage prior to

the other person really wanting it,

and those people pay a price when that

person strays only to find out they do

love the person.

And that's sometimes the confirmation

that brings them to appreciate love

and takes the relationship

to another level.

I'm not going to say that affairs

have to destroy relationship,

could be one of the best things

that ever happened to it.

I've certainly seen cases of that.

It was the turning point in both their

dynamics and their ability to go and

learn how to communicate and have

realistic expectations and appreciate each

other for its uniquenesses, et cetera

we're enhanced. If that's the case,

just appreciate yourself. And then if

you feel you'd like to bring it up,

then write down all the benefits of to

them and the benefits to you of doing it.

And take the consequences. You

know, if you've done the action,

take the consequences.

If they don't understand it and they

react and they're not really dedicated to

you,

they're dedicated to the fantasy of who

you were and they're not able to handle

that you were a human being learning,

then you may just been set free from

relationship that would've been a walking

on eggshell environment all the time.

But if you're mature and they're mature,

you may be able to open up and say,

I've had this experience and I don't feel

comfortable going on without revealing

it to you,

and I'm taking the risk of you

being upset and even leaving me as a

result of this, and I'm,

it's not what I want,

I've come to the realization that I

deeply love you as a result of this,

and I'm glad this happened.

I've not appreciated you 100% until this

happened and I now appreciate what I

have.

And I hope that you understand that and

and appreciate what I'm learning from

that. And I really do feel like

I got a great lesson outta that.

And I don't think that's going to be a

factor or continued activity or thought

again.

If you go there and you're humble and

you realize you've learned something and

you're appreciating them more,

they may turn around and go, well,

let's be thankful for that.

I actually had a woman go to another

woman that her husband had an affair with

and go and thank the

woman for that dynamic.

That's how mature the woman was and

thanked her for the dynamic, because

it brought her husband home.

The thing she was hoping for

in her husband she finally

got as a result of that,

and she realized that the

woman didn't win with that guy,

and she didn't get the guy, the woman,

the the wife got the husband back.

So watch out for moral hypocrisies about

how it's supposed to be and should be.

Everybody's different,

every situation's different.

And I don't want to put

a blanket statement on it

that this is bad or good or

right or wrong or any

of that stuff. I just,

I just say that this is human behavior.

It happens, and you grow from it.

And if you're more mature and you can

handle the dynamic and you feel that

you're willing to embrace

whatever the consequences are,

you may talk and speak up about it.

People don't usually tell everything

or the truth about everything

unless they perceive there's going

to be more outcome of advantage over

disadvantage. That's the way it works.

That's not the ideal. That's not the,

so-called moral ideal. That's the reality.

So you'll probably speak up when you

think there's going to be more advantages

then disadvantages and or when you're

willing to take the complete consequences

of the action and embrace that and let

the person know that you really love and

appreciate this person. And

if it wasn't for this action,

I don't think you are getting

100% of me, and by this action,

it's now brought me a hundred

percent to be with you.

Give them a reason why they would be

able to endure that experience and keep

moving forward. If they do,

you'll probably be able to

clear your consciousness,

open up, free yourself up, find the

benefits to you and your spouse,

and you may appreciate them

more, kids more, your life, more.

Sometimes these experiences,

just like people dating,

they go through all kind of

different dating experiences.

Then there's a formal commitment on the

marriage process. But even if they do,

it's like a contract in legal,

legal contract is only good as the

individuals in it and the actual

circumstances to each

benefit, to each individual.

If people are both sustainably fair

exchange and there's some sort of win to

both of them, it'll continue. If not,

the contract will be probably

tossed and challenged.

The same thing in a marriage.

So I don't know if that gives

you the answer you hoped for,

but that's the answer that came out.

And I could probably go

for hours on that topic,

but that'll at least give

you something to start with.