E113 - Why You Need To Heal Your Nervous System To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse With Brooke Kekos
===
[00:00:00] by the end of today's episode, you will know exactly why you need to heal your nervous system in order to fully recover from narcissistic abuse.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
If you have left a narcissistic relationship and you are trying to do your healing work, you're trying to do everything right, but you are still feeling anxious and exhausted and overwhelmed, and you're wondering why, why? Why does this still hurt so much? I want you to first hear that you are not failing at your healing.
We're talking today about the piece that most people miss when they are trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, and that is your nervous system.
So [00:01:00] in this episode, I'm having a really powerful conversation with Brooke Deanne, who helps women find their power by helping them through this nervous system work. Brooke
shares her story of surviving both a cult and narcissistic relationships and how those experiences really wired her nervous system to endure chaos even though she was craving peace.
In this conversation today, we are breaking down why it still feels like you are stuck after all of the healing work that you are doing. How to tell if you are in survival mode without even knowing it,
And the way to stop disassociating and over-functioning and holding it all together so that you can find real freedom.
If you have been doing all of the right quote unquote things and you are feeling frustrated and stuck, this episode is for you. And be sure to stick around to the end because Brooke helps me pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message to use this week to [00:02:00] stay more conscious in your healing.
Take a deep breath and let's dive in.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: brooke, welcome to the podcast.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Thank You so much for having me. I'm excited to be here today.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes, your story is a unique one because I know that you have been through a cult and through a 17 year narcissistic relationship. We're here to talk about the havoc that was wrecked on your nervous system because of those two experiences and how important nervous system healing is when you're trying to recover from those types of experiences. So give us like a, an overview of the cult and the relationship, what that looked like, what that felt like, what did that do for you mentally and to your body?
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, completely. You know, you don't know it when you're in it, but I always tell everybody that being in a narcissistic relationship is like being in a cult. They actually have very similar [00:03:00] characteristics. Um, the same type of things are actually happening in a cult-like system and in a relationship that, you know, there's someone in control.
There's the abuser and in the call I was in, it was. We were abused by the leaders of the cult, right? And so they had control over our minds, our bodies, and it's the same thing in a relationship. And so, wow, was I living it on every level, and I didn't even realize what I was existing in because when you're in the thick of it, like.
You cannot see the forest through the trees. You just really don't know what's going on because you're living in a state of hyper awareness, hyper vigilance, and you think this is your norm. Like this is the state that you're constantly in. You don't know anything else outside of that. So all I knew was being in a state of fight or flight.
My nervous system was in constant, um, hyper drive. Um, it was. I was constantly scanning the room for, you know, oh God, what's gonna happen next? How is my partner gonna blow today? Like, [00:04:00] am I gonna piss him off and I'm gonna get hurt? Is he gonna yell, scream? Is he gonna be angry? Like, what's gonna happen?
You know? Um, I lived in chaos, is what I like to say in my body become, became addicted to that chaos. the cult that I existed in was chaotic as well, but in a different way, what they really did was, um, it was doomsday, so it was all fear-based, so it was more of like, if you don't do this, then God is gonna be angry and God is going to kill you.
So as a little girl, like, I mean, this is crazy, I know, but as a little girl, all I got was the messaging that is if I'm not the perfect little good girl, that one my family wants me to be and that God wants me to be. Well then I'm a bad girl and bad girls get punished and they have consequences, and ultimately I could die.
So. That was the messaging I was receiving as a little girl. And so I was also being told that there was an evil entity. Everybody knows this. In the Bible there's a Satan and his demons, right? So [00:05:00] he is, this is this evil like villain, and he has got his evil friends with him. Okay? That's what you're, this is basically what you're told about what the Bible is giving you.
And so as a little girl it was like, oh my gosh, they're telling me that he is out here and he is trying to attack me. So you're also receiving that messaging. So my nervous system was like. Oh my gosh, I can't be bad. I have to be perfect. I'm gonna, I can't have consequences. And I also was like, where is Satan and when am I gonna get attacked by these evil entities?
So it sounds so wild and crazy and almost like I was living in like a fantasy world, but it kind of was right. It was like they created this script for me to believe in and buy into, um, and my family to buy into. They didn't know any better either, right? They were just as brainwashed as the rest of them.
But when you're a little kid, you don't question your parents, right? You're just like, well, they're telling me the truth, and this is, they're telling me that this is the truth and that this is what we're supposed to do and I have to do [00:06:00] it, or I'm kicked out of the clan. And so I was fighting for my life quite literally.
I was completely in survival, so it's no wonder I also grabbed onto another similar relationship that was like my father, who was very narcissistic. It was, well, all I'd ever known. I recreated the pattern. I found the next person to be that abuser for myself, and so my body craved chaos. Our nervous system, it's wired from day one.
And if we've lived in a chaotic environment where there's violence, there's anger, there's uncertainty, we're going to continue to recreate that pattern. So I like to speak to people, like to really recognize, okay, well what pattern did you grow up when you were a child? How did you feel when you were in your environment and how is that now still operating your life?
Because it's wired into our. Physiology. Our, our actual, it's [00:07:00] biological, it's in our chemistry. We are having to really recognize this. We're not taught this in school. We're not taught how, you know, this is a huge part of what's wrong with society. And so it's why I'm so passionate about teaching people this concept because it's really the foundation of really being able to thrive and truly live a wonderful, more joyful life.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, and it helps to reduce the shame around it. If we can see, our bodies are always dry. Towards the familiar, because when the fam, when we're in the familiar, we're using less resources, we're like literally can coast on autopilot, and the body does not like to invest in new pathways because that's really energy.
It's costly energetically. So we're constantly redirecting ourselves back into what's familiar. What's amazing about your story is that many things, but one thing is that you said your dad was narcissistic. I would imagine the cult leaders were narcissistic.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Oh, yes,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: you had it [00:08:00] sort of double, double dosed being a young girl, and you really learned that, that fear-based, I must, I must perform, I must put others first.
I must put my needs last. I must. I must. I must. I must. is really ingrained. Patterning to then be showing up in the the narcissistic
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, and I mean, I, I always tell people, look at what your mother did. Look at what your grandmother did. You are learning generationally when you can kind of go back in time and look in the past, okay, what did my mother do? Which I'm also carrying out that same imprint.
Right. So what was your mom like? You know, was she, my mother was the subservient woman that listened and did what she was told. She was the weaker vessel as she was told to be. She, like, my dad looked down on her, um, shamed her, told her what to do. She had no voice ultimately.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: So it, I saw [00:09:00] that, and it was my grandmother's story too, and my mother was just carrying out the same pattern.
And then I saw, oh my gosh. When I looked back at my life, I was like, oh. I was doing the same pattern. I was doing the exact same thing in my relationship, and thank goodness I was awakened to the fact that this no longer was the life that I wanted to lead. Um, but this was something, there was a higher calling for me.
There was something else here for me to break through generationally, to break the cycle, the pattern that the women before me had been caring for so long. Um. That's a really big feat. So if you feel like you're like, oh my gosh, this sounds like me right now in this conversation, know that this is a very hard path because this means that you are unraveling everything, everybody else, your ancestors couldn't unravel and now you're here to do it and it's.
It is, it's an initiation I like to call it, because It's not an easy one to look at the patterns to recognize what doesn't know work anymore. Um, for us as [00:10:00] women, as the feminine, but also for us generationally as we pass this down to our next generation.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, a lot of the listeners are mothers or want to be mothers, and I know it's really important to them to be able to be the one that is making the change, I think it's so important. And then I love the work that you do and how it's aligned with also the work that I do with the nervous system, because I think to really actually shift out of a pattern, we have to find that safety in our body. We have to, we have to be able to go into the places that are hard to reach and we have to reset the nervous system that we're not seeking that familiarity. Talk to me about when that, that light bulb went off for you of maybe other things weren't working and you realized the nervous system had to be a part of it, or what did that look like for you?
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: So I love that you say this because now I'm looking back at my journey and my, I'm just remembering, like, oh, I gotta attack the mind. Right? All I could think about was like, I gotta do the mindset stuff. Like I, you know, I [00:11:00] found all these, like everybody that was talking about the neuroscience of the mind and, which is wonderful, right?
Obviously I work with the mind as well with my clients, but.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yep.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: one was really having the conversations about the nervous system yet in early on in my journey, journey that kind of came a little bit later and honestly when I started to hit like some really big walls with my ability to actually heal the complex PTSD from just so many years of abuse.
I was frustrated. I felt like why even bother? I just wanna give up on this because it's pointless. Like I'm spending thousands of dollars on therapy. I'm spending, you know, I'm trying to get this myself to feel better, but I was not able to get there, um, in the minute that I learned how to even. Sit with myself.
And meditation was the key. Like someone came to me and said, you need to, you should try transcendental meditation. And I was like, what the heck is that? Like, like, I'm like, what is this even about? First of all, uh, being in the cult, you're told that [00:12:00] meditation and yoga are Satan's work and you're not allowed to do that.
And so my programming even from that was also like. I can't do that. I even had like an aversion to it. But every time I felt an aversion to something or a fear, I said, oh, you know what? I just intuitively, I said, you know what? I need to go and do this. I just need to go and try this. I don't care if I have to sit here and force my way into this because my body didn't wanna be still.
My nervous system was like, no, no girl. You got to run. There is a bear chasing in you. Like, what are you doing sitting here? Like, so my, my mind would spin. I would ruminate, I would overthink. I would have so many thoughts and I just wanted my brain to shut the hell up. So, but that's when meditation came into it and I realized.
Oh my gosh, there's something more here for me. And then I began to really dive deeper into my nervous system, learn about polyvagal theory. Um, this wasn't even someone trying to teach me. I was just like teaching and learning and taking courses and [00:13:00] learning myself. 'cause I was like, well, I need to learn my own body.
I'm gonna conquer this. Like I've gotta even learn how this system even works.
and so. That was the part where I was like, okay, this is where this is at. But that was the game changer for me. That was when I realized, okay, this is not just about the mind, this is mind, body, spirit. Like this is such a holistic approach where we have to come at things at so many different angles, and there's not just one modality.
There's multiple. Like we're multifaceted human beings. Like there's gonna be other things that you need to have support you in this journey. But nervous system, I find is the foundation because this is where your automatic wiring, it takes over. And if you have trauma, if you have PTSD, well these things, they're gonna do it without your help.
So when I get triggered. My body is trained to take over. [00:14:00] I don't have any control over this. My body says, nuh, I gotta keep you safe, and we gotta run, we gotta hide, we gotta, we gotta do whatever we gotta do to stay alive right now. And so once I have that awareness, I could start to regulate myself, um, and really see where I was at and honestly how dysfunctional I had really become.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. fascinating to learn a little bit more about how the, what happens to the brain when you're experiencing trauma the, the rational brain actually goes offline. the brain that
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Helps put feeling
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: into words and like make sense of ourself in location and time. And if that's offline, the brain that is like
not even processing is in intaking.
The trauma is our emotional brain, which is why we feel those,
triggers, those in our body, they all have a, a felt sense somewhere. when we try to, to like analyze our way through our trauma. [00:15:00] Understanding it to a point is, is necessary and helpful, but then moving
re like reconnecting the feeling so it can have completion is part of the, of the reprocessing is how we move trauma out of the actual body and the body keeps the score, I think is one of the most famous books for, for understanding this, but this whole idea is more of a newer thing in tandem with. Nervous system being like so widely talked about now.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, you can't think your way outta trauma. You said that perfectly. You cannot think. And I was trying to,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes, me too.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: oh girl. I was like, I'm gonna be able to do it. I don't wanna show everybody how you can do this. No, you cannot think your way outta trauma. Um, it's also, you're right when you said you have to complete the process, um, I used to really, I wanna speak to the person that.
Numbs or suppresses or is afraid of emotion, I find that is such a huge thing, especially if we've been trauma survivors. If we weren't told that our emotions [00:16:00] were safe, um, I was taught that my heart is treacherous. So your emotions are, are not safe is what I was told. And I also, when I did have them, I wasn't allowed to have them.
I wasn't allowed to express myself. And so we often get this messaging young and well, it carries over and then all of a sudden our emotions, we don't feel those, those are safe in our body. And so we are running actually, not only from the emotions, but the, the fact that we can't even handle this discomfort now.
And I had to really learn how. Well, I am actually supposed to go more into the pain because when I do that process, I fully just, my body already knows what to do. Like your body, your body has already got like this be beautiful genetic imprint to handle whatever it is that you have going on or whatever's happening in your, you know, your awareness right now in the moment.
We just don't give it the opportunity to. Yes. And so when you really learn how to [00:17:00] just sit with this. Whatever it is that's coming up, you allow yourself to just process that and you don't stay stuck in it as long and it doesn't resurface as much. Right. Um, and that's why we have anxiety. Well, often it's because you haven't let your body process.
The emotion or the stuff that's already stored there that's kind of stacked up. I like to call it the volcano, like where all these things happen and like you're just kind of, you keep forcing and pushing through until you like erupt, and then that's when you get to that emotional space where you're acting like a 2-year-old, well, because you're having a 2-year-old tantrum because your brain is quite literally acting from that emotional space.
And. We still can have an, an adult tantrum. You know what I mean?
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Absolutely.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: We don't realize this. Um, but this is really truly happening because we never learned our emotional intel intelligence, and this is why it's so important part of us developing ourselves as a [00:18:00] human being.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. I wanna share a perfect example because this just happened with a client of mine in how we're talking about you're, you're teaching your body that you're safe to have big feelings. You're safe
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: To experience their feelings,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: So the nervous system technique that I use is EFT tapping. I do that in session with my clients.
So we're tapping and we're regulating the system via the hand stimulation of the nervous system points. she's having, she's starting to like ramp up into this wave of a really big
Devastation And I watched her like tell herself that she was safe.
Very literally say, I'm safe to feel
I'm so devastated. I'm so sad. I'm safe to feel this feeling. And I watched her like crest this emotional wave, ugly crying, of it. Then she came back down the other side. Made some understanding, some meaning of what that meant for her, why that was impactful, then came back into calm [00:19:00] centered, clear state
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Hmm.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: a matter of maybe 10 minutes.
We were working through this tapping process she said literally the exact words afterwards of, wow, that actually didn't take that long
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: It's 90 seconds
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: she went in, she went into it while showing her body that she was safe. So it's that reprogramming. To say, okay, I'm feeling
I can lean in.
Instead of I'm
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: something
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: need to
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: escape.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: with dissociation or another protective part that comes in or numbing or whatever you're doing That's all learned. We have to reteach our, our system
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: It's okay to be there. Yeah. When you said that I, that, first of all, I got the visualization of, you know, it's like. You are an emotional depth, like an ocean, you're a drop in the ocean, right? And like riding that wave of the emotion. And they say usually they only la they only last 90 seconds,
so if you let it, if you actually go [00:20:00] ahead, hop on that boogie board and ride that, wave into that, into that emotion. You're only probably gonna be there the highest point, the highest peak is probably only gonna be 90 seconds long, and you're gonna be coming back down off of that wave and back into the, just the calmness of an ocean that the wave has just completed.
And so I'm like, that's really where it's at. And I feel that so much for myself. Um, you know, having a lifetime of dissociation because that was the only way that I could handle the life that I was living. you know, and this is us again, being in survival, right? We don't realize that we're in that survival space.
Our nervous system is in survival. We're in survival. But what happens is we don't have access to actually the information intuitively that we could have access to because we're in that state of survival.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Absolutely.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: And that that's not truly living. And so it's why, you know, you even go in [00:21:00] step into this personal healing journey because you're like, well, something's not working, and I'm, I'm desiring something more.
So how do I, how do I find it? You know, you're, you're going on this journey to figure this out.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Absolutely. Yes. How would you help
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Describe
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: What this chronic dysregulation of the
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: the nervous system Feels like.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: or maybe the listener who's like, am I activated all of the time? Am I, am I in this sympathetic state too much like kind of the fish that doesn't know you're in water? How would you help piece that down?
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: So, um, we kind of talked about this before, you know, I used to think when I used to have a therapist being like, you know what, just find your, just find your present moment and just, you know, call, find your calm. Like it made, she made me feel like I was supposed to be like this Zen Buddha all the time.
Like, once I really was healed, that's who I was gonna be. And so I felt like I was chasing the, basically the impossible. I think some of these people on [00:22:00] this journey have this feeling that we can get there. That's not normal. Our human experience is going to be ups and downs. We are gonna have that short-term activation of that stress or that like, um, dysregulation, right?
Like there's gonna be something that happens. Someone triggers us in, you know, we relationship or something, right? Or we're having stress at work, or our child kind of triggers us for whatever reason. Okay? Our children are actually our greatest teachers. They actually trigger these little parts of ourselves.
That didn't get their needs met when we were children. These things are going to happen, you're gonna feel the tension. You're gonna feel your body kind of like, ugh, seized down. You're gonna start to notice that the more that you heal that nervous system, 'cause you're gonna be able to see when you're in the highs and the lows, you're gonna be able to see when you're activated.
So stressful moments are normal. Actually. They're needed for us. We need actually stress. Stress makes us move. It's actually a positive thing. So I want people to think that, don't think of it as it's a negative thing. It's not. Chronic dysregulation is when [00:23:00] we're, we never come down. We're always here, right?
We're so here, like our cortisol levels are so bad, like we're waking up in the middle of the night or we can't fall asleep, or we have ruminating thoughts or we're anxious. We're always on edge. One thing sets us off, somebody can just do something so small and we're just like, Ooh, we're like activated.
Big time. Big emotions, big feelings, we're acting basically like a 4-year-old that has these big feelings that don't know what to do with them because we're so on edge. Um. I always tell people that, well, I hear this a lot, especially for, for women that leave abusive relationships is a ruminating thoughts.
Like they're constantly replaying scenarios or situations that happen in a relationship because, one, you were trauma bonded, so you still have an addiction to that partner, but you're also still thinking, well, what if I would've done this? Or how could I have changed this? Or if this would've happened, then we would still be together.
Right? Your, your, your nervous system [00:24:00] and your body is still trying to find resolution. To the past, that's all that's happening. , And so you're kind of still in that hypervigilant space where you're trying to solve something. Um, for some people it's more of like, they're just numb. They're so disconnected from life.
, I find a lot of people where it's just like they're, they're. Almost like, it's like, uh, lovelessness, hopelessness, can't really do a lot. So you could be on the other end of the spectrum, right where you're so shut down, so dysregulated you, your body has literally shut off. 'cause it says it's better to be here than to be here.
So there, those are the chronic dysregulation that you're talking about. That's the person that you're just gonna find more depression. The opposite end's gonna be more anxious than you could have. The beauty of having both, you know, which is even more exhausting for yourself, right? So this is when you're just constantly living in a state [00:25:00] of never being able to come down to what really feels like safety.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: mm-hmm. I never had safety. I actually never experienced safety until about, I would say about four years ago, four and a half years ago. I didn't even know what, when some, when I would hear that from my therapist, from my coaches, you know, safety. I'm like, safety. What is safety?
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I just always thought, well, I thought I'm, I think I'm safe.
I didn't really
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: I'm
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I'm like, I'm alive, I'm safe. I, I'm in a house. Like I'm not in the abusive relationship anymore. I'm not in the cult anymore. So I was like, well, I think I'm safe. But no, I was still running that same nervous system program, that same wiring, and really not knowing what safety felt like in my body.
So that's, I mean, we can come out of those spaces. It doesn't mean that we have healed that part of ourselves and found that safety within yet.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: the real deeper inner [00:26:00] work. Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: I love everything that you're describing and how it can be either on the hyper or the hypo of overactivated or under activated. one thing I'll add to that is I love the, the, I think it's the seven Cs from Dick Schwartz, about what's, what being in centered self energy feels like, which is calm, compassionate, curious, creative, courageous. I'm forgetting the other two, but they're like, they're, um, like that embodiment of self energy
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: in safety.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: So what I do for myself of like, am I, if I'm feeling anything other than those C words, something's up. I know either apart is forward or I'm activated, or I need to sit with myself in some capacity to find some understanding around
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: What's happening? Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Looking at yourself that way of like, these activated parts that come forward
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Because
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: [00:27:00] they're
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: afraid of something or trying to you from something. Mm-hmm.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: or
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: To help you.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: safety. Somehow that's was like a maladaptive way that you did feel less activated than before when you were young. That helps me be
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Be able to
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: greet
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: myself without like that judgment piece. Mm-hmm.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: of. I'm feeling this way again. Or I, I've been trying so hard to work my way through this anxiety. Why is it still
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Here
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Right.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: it's like.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: we can't understand the feeling if we're judging it.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes. I love that you said that. 'cause it's so true. I mean, I can't even tell you how many times I've been there where I'm like, just get rid of all of these parts of me. Like I was just so done with that. I was so frustrated. I was trying to find,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I was trying to find basically the cure for my pain
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: and not realizing that well, well there ultimately wasn't any cure.
What really was about was sitting with all parts of myself, you know, and realizing that, well, everything about myself has gotten me to where I am today. I can't like [00:28:00] get rid of the things that have kept me alive until now. I mean, sure. They can adapt, they can change, they can kind of stand down a little bit.
Things, parts of myself can kind of, you know, we can chill a little bit. That's what I tell my parts. I'm like, we can chill now.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah,
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: get what you're doing, but we can now take a show pill because,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: know, not we, we don't have to protect ourselves so hard anymore. Right. Um, but it's also just being able to just.
Like, I love when you say compassion. I mean, I didn't really give myself any compassion. I didn't give myself any grace,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: in the moment that I just was able to do that, it was like, wow, like all of the walls that I had built around myself, , just really started to just be able to come down, , a, a softer version of myself kind of stepped in instead of this very masculine, defensive woman that felt like she had to.
I don't know, warrior Way, her way through life, right? Like just be this warrior that everybody was her enemy. And [00:29:00] that's kind of what I felt, right? It felt like everybody was the enemy. 'cause I had been so hurt and so wronged and so, you know, abused. And
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I could just be like, okay, wait a second.
I don't wanna live that way anymore. You just start to soften a little bit.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, but you can't soften until you find the safety inside of you, because if we're constantly looking for other people or other situations to make us safe, it's never gonna satisfy that safety that the inner system needs in order to trust that. can stand down. 'cause it's almost like, I have an image of the Lost Boys from Peter Pan, right?
Like, all these little kids are trying to like, take care of shit when they shouldn't be needing to take care of shit. They need an adult there to like, take care of shit. So once they, once your parts understand and can trust that there's
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Safety because
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: an adult is present, then they can let go of some of their, their adaptive ways that they've tried to
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: to [00:30:00] keep you safe. Yes.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: It's, it's a really beautiful process even, even though it's painful, even though it's frustrating that we have some parts that are really grooved in the way that they jump in and take over. But I don't know, like the more that I do parts work and dig into my own stuff, I'm like, wow, that
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Really smart.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: that I adapted this way of not feeling
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. It's almost like you look at this part and be like, oh my God, you're brilliant. Like you're brilliant. I think the biggest part of my journey was connecting with my inner child. That was a game changer as well. It was like nervous system connecting with my inner child. Because when people say that concept, they're like, what does that even mean?
Like my inner child? Right? You don't realize that like this part of your subconscious mind is you hold all of these memories, this little girl inside of you knows everything that happened to her and how it made her feel, and what belief she got from it. Like all of these things. And so this is still a part of you.
She's still a part of you, and [00:31:00] she, every time I do enter child work with someone, their inner child is abandoned.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: She's abandoned. She's in a closet somewhere. She's back in time in some very traumatic event. , And we're there, when we do this in our work in hypnosis, we're going and we're rescuing that little girl or that little boy, , to bring them and let them understand that they don't live there anymore.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: have to live on that unsafe environment anymore. And that now the adult self, when you talk about the, the self that can lead, like the adult is here to like provide and to support and to give and to nurture and to give you everything that you never had before. And. That was like for my inner child, she was like, oh my God, what a relief.
Like, you finally found me.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes. Yes.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: finally rescued me from this hellhole and like, so [00:32:00] it was just, you know, it was, it was part of self love that I had never experienced before. I'm sure you can speak to that too. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: When I finally understood what it meant to protect my inner child, protect myself, was like such a fierce lioness energy of, ex didn't get to fuck with me anymore because now I was protecting this little girl. was a whole mindset shift around setting boundaries and not letting him walk all over me or not caring if he was upset about a boundary.
It was like, no, you're, you're actually harming me now and my little girl repeatedly, and like, I see it now, and now I'm stepping in.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: So
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: that, having that
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: respect yourself, that protection for yourself is
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: it's a
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: really thing. Mm-hmm. It really is. I mean, 'cause we weren't taught, you know, for me, I wasn't taught what boundaries were. My parents didn't have boundaries. They didn't even [00:33:00] know what the word was. Right. I think we're just learning these new words and what that means and how that shows up in any, any and every relationship and for self.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: to have that, to be able to honor yourself. Um, and that it's not selfish.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. It's, it's a, it's a form of self-love that we're having to learn. That's really important.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: And it's not from an egoistical space. It's from, you know, it's really actually just a really, where you're supposed to be.
It's divine, you know, it's your, it's who you are supposed to embody.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: What I wanna ask you and leave the listeners with is what is
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Possible.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: for you now that you have the tools to help you regulate your system and live more in the the calm state with moments of dysregulation versus being dysregulated as a baseline.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. So first of all, I wanna tell everybody. I still get very dysregulated. I still have bad days. I [00:34:00] still have bad moments where I get very triggered. You know, my children trigger me, or my partner triggers me because it feels like something's happening from the past. I wanna just really be authentic and be relatable that these things are normal.
, But now what I have is the toolbox. The toolbox to say. Okay, what's really happening here? What's the story I'm actually telling myself? What am I actually feeling in this moment? Um, is there a part of self that I really just need to sit here? Do I just need to sit here and freaking cry about this because
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: happened before and this is the way it made me feel.
Um, it's just giving me the opportunity actually to really, truly just be present with what's coming up for myself. , And I can't say how much of a gift that is. Um, and how it's really helped me embody my own authenticity because it also has, helps me just break down the walls that, who, who performance, right?
Of thinking I had to be a certain way or that I couldn't act this way, or, you know, just really just [00:35:00] being all of me and owning it. I think there's a freedom. There's really a beautiful freedom to that and I feel so free. And you know, having lived a life of zero freedom, you know, uh, living in a mental prison at a cult, in an abusive environment, like all of those components, now I'm so free.
And so I really just speak to those women that, you know, if you're desiring something more, listen to that intuitive nudge, to be curious to find the answer for yourself because there's that part of self that also is saying. There's something more, right? It's whispering to you for a reason.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I like that.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Freedom is a
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Perfect word. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: to end our time together, I wanna pull an Oracle card.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Perfect.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: if you can close your eyes, I want you to help me
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Okay.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: the card
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I like it.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: listener. So you and I are just gonna tune into this deck and ask what the message is that [00:36:00] needs to be heard today. And whenever you feel like the shuffle's complete, I'm starting to shuffle the deck.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: So you just know.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: know when to stop.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Stop.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Okay.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Okay.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: We got flat on your back,
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Interesting.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: a, a picture of a white flag. Let's see what this, I'm gonna read, read the message from the
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah, this is interesting. What an interesting deck. I like it.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. find yourself flat on your back, the universe is sending you a message of surrender. Maybe you were unaware that you were pushing too hard, clamping down too much. Needing to control flat on your back brings the divine message that it's time to release, to surrender, to let go of control and trust.
The universe has your back. that things will work out as they are meant to. All you have to do is allow your heart to open and trust that all will be well. fact all is well without pushing, grasping, grabbing, clawing or, or clamping. Open your hands to the [00:37:00] heavens. Release the grip. Allow yourself to be held by the power and expansive.
Love that the universe always offers you.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: That's a good one.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yes.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: being taught by the universe to surrender, to let go of control. That has been such a big part of my journey,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah,
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: that I had to learn. Honestly. There's psychedelic assisted therapy because, you know, there was a part of self that didn't want to surrender or let go of that control 'cause it was scary.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: totally.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Control was what? Yeah. Control is what kept me safe, right? And so it's a part of being able to learn to let go of that and, but what that gives you in life is again, the freedom.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Yeah. Oh,
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: I feel you on that lifelong
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Well, Brooke, where
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Would you like to bring people.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: to find you? Find your work, get connected.
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, um, life coaching goddess.com is my website. For now. I am rebranding, but we'll see where that takes [00:38:00] me. Um, but I'm on all the social medias as life coaching goddess.com, or Life Coaching Goddess, so you can find me there as well. Um, and also find my books on Amazon. So I have my memoir Shadow Broken and Beautiful.
So if anybody's interested in, you know, tapping into that and, and learning from that space too, they can as well. Yeah,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: Oh, I
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: I love it. Thank you so much.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: for, using your
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Experience,
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: as you
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: you know?
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: a reason to have a platform, have a voice to share your story. it's so impactful and really courageous to be able to speak about the, the dark tunnel that you have walked through. So
brooke-deanne_1_12-02-2025_120552: Thank you. I appreciate you. Yeah.
bre_1_12-02-2025_120552: thank you for being here.
Okay. Let's review the important takeaways to remember from this powerful conversation with Brooke. From this episode, you now know why you're feeling so stuck if you've been trying to do your healing work, but nervous system work was not a part of that. You understand why the nervous system has to be [00:39:00] involved.
You also understand how to tell if you've been stuck in survival mode and you maybe weren't realizing it, what that looks like on a day to day. And you have heard the way to stop disassociating, stop over-functioning, stop holding everything altogether, and finally feel that freedom that you are craving.
There's So much that we can gain from other people's stories, and I hope that Brook's story touched you, like it touched me.
If this episode resonated and you are ready to learn a little bit more about nervous system techniques, I wanna point you way, way back to episode 40 where I go in depth about EFT tapping, which is the technique that I use with my clients. It, it's a nervous system regulation tool and it helps you go so deep into your processing so that you can really get into the places that you are unable to reach if you are not doing the nervous system work. I have seen my clients make full one eighties from being stuck in a trauma [00:40:00] bond to feeling free and confident and and like themselves.
Again, so huge advocate of EFT. Check Out that episode. The link is in the show notes. Again, that's episode 40 and until I see you in the next episode, please, please, please remember that you are not alone.