Become A Human Behavior Scientist:
Observe,
Read,
Understand,
and Decode People With Minimal Information (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 18)
Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
Chapter 1.
All About Emotions.
Understanding Primary Versus Secondary Emotions.
On our mission to become expert people-readers,
we need to start at the very beginning - emotions.
People think,
speak,
and act,
and these expressions can all be analyzed and interpreted to gain insight into
who they are as people.
But deeper than these expressions is what people feel—understand people’s
emotions and you unlock a more genuine,
more authentic picture of who they are.
Not only do you “get” them in a more profound way,
but you are then able to respond to them with understanding,
compassion,
and real empathy.
Paul Ekman’s notable emotion research identifies seven basic emotions -
disgust,
surprise,
anger,
enjoyment,
fear,
contempt,
and sadness.
Other researchers have more or fewer categories and organize them differently,
but the idea is that as human beings we all share a few “primary colors”
when it comes to emotions.
The subtler feelings emerge when we consider mixes of these foundational
emotions at different intensities.
These so-called primary emotions have evolved from our earliest ancestors and
are innate—we don’t learn how to feel them.
They were and are essential for our survival and functioning in the world,
and are a natural reaction to events or situations,
i.e.,
you win the lottery and feel elated and joyful.
Primary emotions are automatic and universal,
but they can be either more or less adaptive (here,
adaptive simply means healthy or useful in context).
Anger,
for example,
is adaptive if it empowers us to protect the innocent or assert a boundary.
It’s less adaptive if it inspires destruction or overriding other people’s
boundaries.
Similarly,
fear is a functional and healthy emotion if it serves our needs for safety or
alerts us to when we need to escape danger;
it’s less adaptive when it immobilizes us in the face of things that are
genuinely not a threat,
such as with a panic disorder.
So,
emotions are simply what they are—there are no “good” emotions or
“bad” ones.
Rather,
it’s about what works—emotions that undermine your wellbeing (or the
wellbeing of others)
are maladaptive,
while those that support the life we want to live are generally adaptive.
Emotions all have one thing in common - they move.
They change and flow,
come and go.
Remember that primary emotions are physiological functions that evolved to
increase our chances of survival.
Primary emotions emerge in a situation to serve a function,
like a temporary tool,
and then they disappear once that function is served.
What,
then,
are secondary emotions?
While primary emotions follow events in the environment,
secondary emotions follow primary emotions - they are our reactions and
emotions about our reactions and emotions.
If the primary emotion is,
for whatever reason,
unable to flow and move or to serve its purpose and dissipate,
then we may respond with secondary emotions.
These are not innate,
automatic,
or universal—in fact,
they follow cultural and familial patterns and are socialized and learned.
For example,
a primary emotion can be joy at winning the lottery.
But then,
someone might feel guilty about feeling so happy,
since they know that others aren’t so lucky,
and they’ve always been taught to not be boastful.
Maybe they come from a culture that emphasizes merit and earning money fair and
square,
so they construct a narrative around how unearned their success is,
and this fuels feelings of embarrassment and shame.
The primary emotion is joy;
the secondary one is shame and guilt.
Importantly,
the secondary one is more malleable,
voluntary,
and actually unconnected to the event of winning the lottery.
Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad.
However,
if we have a primary emotion in the context of a family or society that tells
us that,
for example,
it’s bad to be afraid,
we might then develop secondary emotions such as anger,
sadness or,
ironically,
more fear.
If you grew up in a family where sadness was not acceptable but anger was more
tolerated,
you might never realize that beneath your anger was a more fundamental primary
emotion of sadness.
Whenever there is a judgment or resistance against a naturally emerging primary
emotion,
we generate secondary emotions.
We can feel disgusted at our fear.
We can feel overwhelmed by our happiness.
We can feel sad about our anxiety.
We can feel angry at our anger!
Messages about what emotions mean and how to respond to them come from our
immediate family,
from our culture and general environment,
and from our experiences going through life.
It’s these beliefs that cause the secondary emotions,
rather than any objective external event.
A man might lash out at his wife when he is feeling vulnerable and insecure.
In his culture,
lashing out in anger is more socially accepted for a man than crying or asking
for help.
Yet,
his feelings of fear and vulnerability are natural,
automatic,
and normal ...and they serve a purpose.
What’s more,
the cause of his anger is not his wife or anything in his immediate
environment,
but his own reaction to his primary emotion of fear.
He can wrestle endlessly with his anger,
but the “real” problem is that he is feeling vulnerable,
yet unable to allow that vulnerability to be what it is.
Many people have no idea about the extent to which their internalized messages,
assumptions,
beliefs,
and biases affect their emotional state.
They simply lump everything in as “how I feel."
And so,
depression might actually be at its root anger or resentment,
or anxiety can be more about deep sadness that we feel compelled to hide,
downplay,
or ignore.
How can we use this information to deepen our understanding of other people?
Emotional awareness is typically something we cultivate within ourselves,
but when we can grow an awareness of other people’s emotions,
we are in the realm of empathy and deep understanding.
Awareness of other people’s emotions is about being able to clearly identify
what is primary and what is secondary.
A great way to practice this is to become adept at noticing your own emotional
patterns!
One important way to distinguish between primary and secondary is to locate the
emotion - primary emotions are felt in the body,
while secondary emotions are cerebral and abstract and may not match the
expression or sensation of the physical body.
Imagine someone is suddenly responding to you with what seems like anger.
They might be yelling and hurling insults.
But you also notice what their body is doing.
They’re cowering almost in a defensive posture.
They’re shaking.
They look to be on the verge of tears and their voice is cracking up.
Here is your clue of the primary emotion - sadness,
vulnerability,
or terror.
Because you have become aware of the primary emotion,
you can respond to that and find far more compassion,
understanding and resolution for the situation than if you had merely responded
to the superficial display of anger.
If you had simply heard the words they said rather than reading the body
language,
you will not have truly understood their full state of mind in that moment.
While it would be great if everyone was ultra-aware of their own emotions and
knew how to self-regulate and communicate clearly,
the fact is that most people are messy and pretty complex.
To become good at reading people,
you need to learn the language of emotions—and there’s usually information
being communicated on several levels!
Here’s a tip to keep in mind as you start to delve into the people-reading
arts - learn to listen to the deeper emotional content of what people are
saying or doing.
Notice what is a cascade of secondary emotions,
what is conscious rationalization and socialization,
what is performance ...and what is simply a pure,
raw emotional reaction at the root of all that.
People can react according to what they’ve been taught,
or expectations,
or what they think they should be doing.
Ask,
“What’s underneath this reaction?"
Often,
what is causing a person’s response is not the situation,
but their perception and interpretation of their initial response to that
situation.
Understand this and some people will think you can read their minds!
Step 1 .- Pause and become aware.
Look at all the information being communicated—body language is usually more
honest.
Step 2 .- Try to identify the primary emotion.
It may be a few layers deep.
Step 3 .- Bypass the secondary emotion and validate the primary emotion.
There’s no need to dissect,
argue,
judge,
or interpret.
Just remember that emotions are there to serve a function.
Figure out what function they are trying to serve,
allow them to do so,
then acknowledge them so they can be released.
Example .- You become aware that the person you’re on a date with is laughing
loudly and being extroverted,
but you notice signs of tension in their body.
You recognize that they probably feel nervous (primary)
and are trying to conceal it out of embarrassment (secondary).
You recognize that fear and apprehension and ask yourself what purpose it might
serve.
Fear is there to protect us against danger.
So,
you allow that fear to dissipate when you act to put them at ease and reduce
the threat in the situation.
Perhaps you playfully acknowledge that it’s normal to get nervous on first
dates and that you’re nervous too.
By making a light-hearted joke,
you create an atmosphere of trust and relaxation.
Congratulations—you’ve not only “read” the situation but used what you
learned to connect more deeply with another human being.
Understanding Allows Us To Predict.
The classical Newtonian model of the physical universe saw the various
elementary particles like billiard balls on a table.
One idea was that if you understood the starting position of the billiard balls
and the rules that governed how they rolled around on the table,
then you could predict exactly where they would be at any point in the future.
Of course,
while human beings are far more complex than billiard balls on a table,
and while there is always chance and the effect of the unknown,
the basic principle applies.
If you understand how people are in the present,
and you understand the laws that govern their behavior,
then you can extrapolate that present moment into the future.
In other words,
you can predict what they’ll do.
A big part of wanting to understand people is precisely this power to
anticipate how they’ll act.
Understanding why people act as they do is a question of motivation.
We can assess other people’s behavior not according to our own emotions,
expectations,
and interpretations (i.e.,
the “laws”),
but according to theirs.
So,
when done right,
empathy confers the power of prediction.
Psychologists Emily Balcetis and David Dunning have found that human beings are
actually poor at predicting our own behavior but are far better at predicting
what others will do.
There may be a personal blind spot when it comes to considering the effect of
the environment—we typically see ourselves in a vacuum,
whereas we (more correctly)
consider the effect of the environment on other people’s decision-making.
This bias again may have evolutionary roots.
Many of us overestimate how generous and kind we are,
or indulge more flattering visions of who we are—visions that objective
observers may be able to see more clearly!
The key to seeing others clearly?
It may lie in awareness not just of the person in themselves,
but of the person in context,
i.e.,
how that person interacts with their situation.
It’s a little like knowing that a billiard ball is round and usually rolls,
but also that it won’t roll unless it’s on a smooth flat surface.
One of the biggest errors in predicting behavior—our own or others’—is
that we fail to factor in the context/environment.
We assume that people act only according to their own inner drives and
personalities,
when it’s more realistic to see people’s behavior as resulting from an
interaction between them and their environment.
Let’s look at two basic “rules” or laws we have uncovered when it comes
to human emotion -
•People experience primary emotions in response to events,
and secondary emotions in response to primary emotions,
and
•The secondary emotions are formed when we make a judgment about the primary
ones,
i.e.,
we welcome them or avoid/resist them Using these two laws,
we can begin to understand people’s behavior and predict their future
behavior.
We’ll use the A. B. C. model,
which helps us understand what comes before behavior and what comes after.
People’s behavior becomes understandable when you know how they’re making
their own independent choices,
how they’re interpreting events,
what they value,
and what they’re trying to achieve.
Every person acts for a range of reasons;
understand the reasons and you can guess the act.
People aren’t machines,
and so any predictions are going to be mere guesses—but they can be pretty
good guesses!
The A. B. C. model is built on cause and effect - A – Antecedents.
B – Behavior.
C – Consequences.
A stimulus in the environment is an antecedent that triggers a behavioral
response,
and that is followed by consequences.
If the consequences are “good,” the behavior is more likely to continue,
and vice versa—this is feedback (or learning,
depending on the context).
Consequences can in turn act as antecedents for other behaviors,
and people’s actions and reactions are constantly overlapping with other
people’s.
When you’re trying to understand people,
your goal is to make the invisible visible—you want to see what is happening
before it manifests in outward behavior.
Using the A. B. C. model gives us a frame to break down and analyze human
behavior.
We can examine the consequences to see what they say about the behavior (more
of a problem-solving or trouble-shooting approach),
or we can start with the antecedents and try to see what they can tell us about
possible behaviors and outcomes (making predictions).
Again,
this is a model of human behavior—actual human behavior will be more complex.
Let’s look at an example.
Maybe you work with someone who has started to deliver projects late or miss
deadlines,
claiming mental health issues.
You also notice the response to them doing so - everyone else in the team picks
up their slack while expressing kindness and understanding.
Your manager,
noticing the increasing number of “mental health days,” decides to do
something.
She tries to solve the problem with a compromise - your colleague is allowed to
take some time working from home,
and the company will pay for regular sessions with a therapist ...but they’re
still required to meet their deadlines.
Now,
what do you predict will happen here?
You can gain a deeper insight when you break the initial situation down using
the A. B. C. model - Antecedents .- Your colleague is asked to meet a deadline
Behavior .- They miss the deadline,
blaming poor mental health Consequences .- No serious consequences (and
possible support and encouragement)
Using an operative conditioning model here allows us to think of the
consequences in terms of reward - the colleague will continue to shirk their
duties because,
frankly,
it’s working for them.
The response they get reinforces their initial behavior.
Now,
if your manager comes in and thinks,
“Mental health problems?
Okay,
I’ll take some steps to improve mental health,” what will happen?
You might predict some sort of friction.
When the manager removes the reward/consequence (not having to meet the
deadline),
the cause-and-effect chain breaks down.
Your colleague’s behavior no longer gets them the result it used to,
so we can predict their behavior will change.
What do you predict will happen?
Most likely,
the colleague will not accept this compromise as a solution at all and may
continue trying to negotiate,
miss further deadlines,
or try to get what they want (i.e.,
the freedom to miss deadlines)
some other way (for example,
seeking a doctor’s note exempting them from having to work at all).
This may be frustrating for the manager,
who was dealing simply with the surface-level problem;
that is,
that the employee was struggling with their mental health.
But if you become aware of the other,
hidden dynamics,
you can see something the manager can’t - why the behavior is really there.
In this case,
your colleague may have been using mental health issues as an excuse,
which is why it’s a problem that can never actually be solved.
This is a very simplistic example.
You might have thought,
“Maybe the employee had many reasons for missing their deadlines ...maybe
there was some truth in their excuse."
Remember that -
•People experience primary emotions in response to events,
and secondary emotions in response to primary emotions,
and
•The secondary emotions are formed when we make a judgment about the primary
ones,
i.e.,
we welcome them or avoid/resist them If you know a little bit about your
colleague,
you may have been able to observe their behavior more generally.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that - They are young,
in a junior position,
and rather timid They often complain about other colleagues,
but always behind their backs They frequently express their work in terms of
what they begrudgingly “should” do On occasion when they’ve been
criticized by other team members,
they completely collapse and take it personally You notice they never say no,
even though they often claim afterward that they didn’t want to do something
Are you beginning to get an idea of who this colleague is?
Now,
you’ve seen the external events and environmental conditions (the deadlines
problem,
the manager’s “compromise,” etc.)
and you’ve seen some of the “rules” that your colleague uses to navigate
this context.
Let’s put in the final piece of the puzzle - emotions.
Seeing all the data you’ve gathered,
you might start to understand that their primary emotion is perhaps a feeling
of being overwhelmed,
uninterested,
or resentful of the work assigned.
In any case,
there is resistance or unhappiness associated with the project.
However,
your colleague doesn’t feel able to say so.
Instead,
they do something else - claim they have a mental health issue which gets them
off the hook.
In this person’s world,
it is not acceptable to say,
“No,
I don’t want to do that,” or,
“I can’t do this,
please help me."
Instead,
it’s easier for them to take on the passive,
blameless position of someone who needs mental health support.
In a way,
maybe this is an indirect path to receiving the help and support they feel
unable to ask for directly.
Unconsciously,
your colleague may have gotten into the habit of saying I can’t because they
feel unable to say I won’t.
The primary emotion may be anger or disagreement.
But if they’ve been socialized to never show dissent or go against
higher-ups,
then they try to get what they want some other way.
Primary emotion .- I hate this job and I don’t want to do this stupid project.
Secondary emotion .- Woah,
you can’t think that!
You have to be accommodating and capable and obedient.
Behavior .- Claim a mental health issue.
This gets you out of the stupid project without rocking the boat.
Of course,
all of this could be entirely unconscious.
But if you’re watching closely,
you can see it all.
You can predict not only what they’ll do with some accuracy,
but why.
You could guess that the employee will continue to evade doing the projects,
perhaps coming up with increasingly strained excuses and justifications.
Whatever happens,
you know that they’re going to act to avoid a primary emotion that they see
as unacceptable.
And you know that they’ll act according to their culture,
their personal biases,
their values,
their upbringing,
their family past,
and so on.
You won’t become a mind-reader,
but you’ll be able to see that the manager’s approach is unlikely to
succeed!
If you wanted to support your colleague?
You could skip over the part where they’re claiming mental health issues and
instead recognize and validate the primary emotion.
You could talk to them and find out the cause of their resistance to the work,
and encourage them to explore this and communicate it clearly.
Granted,
it’s not your job to help this person learn to accept and acknowledge their
primary emotions,
but you can go a long way to connecting and harmonizing with others when you
speak to what is really bothering them.
Let’s return to our original process for understanding other people’s
emotions - Step 1 .- Pause and become aware.
Look at all the information that is being communicated—body language is
usually more honest.
Step 2 .- Try to identify the primary emotion.
Step 3 .- Bypass the secondary emotion and validate the primary emotion.
Remember that emotions are there to serve a function.
Figure out what function they are trying to serve,
allow them to do so,
then acknowledge them so they can be released.
We can add to this process by considering the role that antecedents and
consequences play,
according to the A. B. C. framework.
When you’re analyzing a situation and what’s going in,
ask yourself - What came before this behavior that I’m observing?
What has come/will come/typically comes after the behavior I’m observing?
When you observe people in the moment,
you put them in context,
but when you ask the above questions,
you put the behavior into a chronological sequence and get insight into cause
and effect.
So,
for example,
you see that your friend is suddenly in a rotten mood.
You don’t understand it,
but then you recall what happened immediately before their mood plummeted and
put two and two together.
Or maybe you see your partner growing anxious.
Why?
You think about what’s coming up in the future.
Or,
you ask yourself what the result or outcome of their behavior is.
It might not make sense to you or anyone else,
but what does it mean to them?
Are they behaving in expectation of a certain outcome?
So many of our secondary emotions are there because we have learned in the past
that certain emotional expressions are acceptable and certain ones aren’t.
So,
ask yourself about the processes that are leading to a person’s secondary
emotions.
Imagine you meet a person who constantly brags about the Ph.D. they earned
from an Ivy League university.
They’re a published author and wearing a T-shirt printed with a quirky
mathematical joke.
One day you politely correct their pronunciation of a common word,
in public.
Now,
what is going on in the head of this person?
What are they going to do and why?
Primary emotion - embarrassment at not knowing something,
or perhaps even strong humiliation at being stupid or uneducated.
Denial and rejection of this primary emotion leading to ... Secondary emotion -
pride,
superiority,
mild irritation (more compatible with self-identity)
Antecedent - you say something that challenges this person’s identity as a
smarty pants know-it-all Behavior - the person laughs and scoffs,
saying,
“I know how it’s pronounced.
I was just making a joke.
Obviously."
Consequence .- People laugh and the person’s identity as intelligent is still
intact.
You can gather incredible amounts of high-quality data in just a few minutes or
seconds.
By merely paying attention to people’s emotions,
to their behavior and what follows and precedes it,
and to the little clues that tell you about their context,
you can gain astonishing insight into what makes people tick.
You’d now know that the way to this person’s heart would be to affirm their
value as a human being outside of their perceived intelligence.
If you wanted to make an enemy of them,
do the reverse (i.e.,
correct them!).
You now know what threatens them and where they get their sense of purpose and
direction from.
You know how to flatter them (ask their advice),
how to speak so they’ll hear you (frame your arguments as rational and
logical),
and how to motivate them (use status,
praise,
and recognition for their intellectual superiority).
You can predict the triggers that will have certain effects on them,
and this way be able to predict (and possibly,
if you liked,
control)
their responses.
And all this comes from simply learning to read the undercurrent of emotional
information flowing in every interaction or situation.
Understanding people is not magic—it just requires that we pay attention.
Learning To Perceive Emotion.
So far,
we’ve spoken about what to do with the undercurrent of emotional information
that people are constantly transmitting.
But you may have read the previous examples and wondered,
“That sounds great,
but how do you know your date is feeling nervous?
How exactly can you tell that someone is feeling embarrassed or sad or angry?"
The fact is that human beings are primarily built for non-verbal communication.
It’s what we do.
Think of it this way - we evolved to communicate without words thousands of
years before we developed symbols and syntax.
It may seem weird and abstract to read people beyond the words they’re
saying,
but the non-verbal mode is in fact more ancient,
more well-developed,
and more natural for human beings.
It’s just a matter of tuning back into that radio station,
so to speak!
Let’s recall that there are two kinds of emotions—primary and secondary.
We know that primary emotions are innate,
universal,
and automatic.
We express them automatically too—just think of how unconscious and
spontaneous your expression of surprise is.
People’s ability to read the basic primary emotions are also hard-wired into
the brain.
In fact,
scientists have discovered areas of the brain that appear to be specially
devoted to the perception and processing of other people’s facial
expressions,
body language,
and tone of voice.
But what about secondary emotions?
Since these are all about the narratives and interpretations we have in
reaction to primary emotions,
they’re more culture-bound and dependent on context.
Depending on the culture or historical period,
our families and our education,
we are all taught slightly different “rules” for the expression of
emotions,
which emotions are good and bad,
and what certain emotions mean.
So,
when we see cultural variation in how people experience emotions,
it’s usually the secondary emotions they’re talking about.
When it comes to raw,
fundamental feeling states like fear or happiness,
all human beings seem to agree on what the rules are!
As an example,
consider the simple act of smiling.
Even a tiny infant understands that someone who is smiling is friendly and
approachable.
Every human being,
regardless of language or background,
knows broadly that smiling = happy.
We spontaneously smile when we see something we like or that makes us glad.
However,
there are cultural differences in how smiling is used as a secondary emotion,
or a conscious and deliberate display.
In certain Asian countries,
it’s a cultural norm to smile during disagreements or tense moments,
in order to diffuse tension and increase harmony.
However,
if an Asian person tried smiling during a heated argument in,
say,
America,
he might find that people read him as mocking,
or assume he’s not taking them seriously ...which would lead to more friction.
It’s not just culture that affects how we read one another.
Let’s say you’ve grown up in a family where it was taboo to raise your
voice,
and the unspoken rule was that people solved their disagreements by talking
quietly (or,
let’s be honest,
by sulking or silent treatment).
You might one day marry someone who frequently gets “excited” in lively
disagreements,
and you may read this as terrifying and something to avoid at all costs.
For you,
talking loudly and forcefully reads as anger,
whereas your spouse is confused by this and might say,
“What’s the problem?
I’m not angry!
I’m just making my point."
Of course,
the personal,
the cultural and the familial all bounce off one another.
The culture we live in influences the rules we teach our children,
and those children in turn shape how the culture at large expresses itself.
The way to read primary emotions is through the body.
The facial features and muscles (including the muscles in the voice box)
are part of the physical body and respond to changes in the environment like
any other organ.
The expression your face wears is a direct and literal expression of,
for example,
different hormone levels in your body (like cortisol or oxytocin).
In fact,
your entire body has its “expressions”—think about what it means when
your heart beats ultra-fast or your palms sweat or your mouth waters.
Your face,
then,
is just one outwardly visible expression of your body’s internal state.
The fusiform face area is a part of the brain’s visual processing machinery
that is exclusively in charge of reading and interpreting people’s facial
expressions.
These perceptions are then processed in part via the amygdala,
which is strongly connected to our memories and emotions.
For our ancient ancestors,
this skill was not a question of mere socializing but one of urgent
survival—being able to tell friend from foe and being able to bond and
connect with your tribe could literally spell the difference between life and
death.
Have you ever had a strong gut feeling about someone yet couldn’t quite put
your finger on why?
It’s probably because this part of your brain was working unconsciously and
automatically,
alerting you to who you could trust.
While our primary emotions are innate and universal,
we nevertheless have to be aware of cultural rules which shape secondary
emotions.
Some of these cultural norms include “display rules” about how to express
emotion and when and to whom.
In some countries,
excessive emotion is distrusted,
while in others being shy and withdrawn is seen as rude.
There are rules about eye contact,
smiling,
the volume of the voice,
who speaks first,
and laughing.
As human beings,
we all experience the same primary emotions,
but our culture shapes and determines how we express that.
We need to factor this into any reading we make.
A famous 1971 experiment by psychologist Paul Ekman had Japanese and American
participants watch various films.
All participants had the same facial expressions as they watched,
however,
the Japanese participants tended to show fewer “negative” emotions when
someone else was in the room with them.
In fact,
they were more likely to smile!
The primary emotion was the same for all participants—what differed was the
“rules” they’d internalized from their cultures,
and hence their secondary emotional expressions.
Culture affects not only the way we express our emotions,
but also the way we read and interpret the emotions of others.
Experiments have been done where the movement of the eyes can be accurately
tracked,
to see where people focus when they read a facial expression.
There are some cultural differences here,
too .- East Asians tend to read the eyes primarily,
while Westerners read the whole face more generally,
and in particular the mouth.
Have you ever noticed that Asian emojis are quite different from American ones?
The Western emojis vary widely in the mouth,
whereas the Asian emojis are all about the eyes.
Now you know why!
So,
how can we become better at reading emotion?
If it’s secondary emotions,
the answer is - be aware of the role that social and cultural contexts play,
to learn the “rules."
If it’s primary emotions,
however,
it’s all about reading the body,
and the good news is that you are already an expert at this—even if it
doesn’t feel like it!
The “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test devised by Simon Baron-Cohen (no,
no relation)
asks you to guess people’s emotions from their eyes alone.
You can Google the test and try it free online.
You may be surprised at your result!
The superpower of expression-reading is really one that just needs a little
practice.
Encourage yourself often to really look at people and see what you see.
Sometimes we fail to read people not because we’re unskilled but simply
because we’ve become used to discounting what we already know.
Ignore their words for a moment and just let your fusiform gyrus do the work
for you!
Yes,
culture and upbringing affect both the expression and interpretation of facial
expressions,
but remember,
too,
that we have had finely tuned emotional recognition software in our brains for
a long,
long time—longer than we’ve had cultures!
Listening To What The Body Is Saying.
Let’s cut to the chase - if you’re reading this book,
chances are you’d really like some tips for how to make accurate guesses
about a person’s mental state beyond their verbal expression.
If empathy,
understanding,
and connection are your destination,
then there is one sure-fire path - communication.
We’re always communicating.
Consciously or unconsciously,
verbally or non-verbally,
people are continually broadcasting their state of mind,
their intentions,
and their emotions.
They do this on many different channels,
not just that of spoken language.
Gesture.
Posture.
Tone,
volume,
pace,
pitch,
and modulation of voice.
Facial expression.
Bodily movements.
Reactions to things in the environment.
This is all important data!
Even silence and stillness communicate plenty.
The first rule in reading body language is that it is primary—our bodies
respond immediately,
naturally,
and truthfully.
If the verbal and non-verbal expression don’t match,
the non-verbal is typically the “truth."
Now,
if you ever see a definitive collection of fixed body language behaviors and a
list of what they “mean,” then ignore it.
The second rule is that when you read someone,
you’re never interpreting a single expression in isolation.
Rather,
you’re looking for a)
patterns,
b)
context,
and c)
variation from baseline For example,
it’s often claimed that a woman twiddling her hair is being flirtatious.
If you see this behavior precisely once,
and it occurs on a windy day that causes her hair to blow around,
then it would be silly to conclude you’re being flirted with.
Instead,
look at the bigger picture - repeatedly touching the hair,
constant giggling and smiling,
joking,
playful touches on the arm,
and raised voice pitch all create a pattern that is strongly suggestive of (not
a guarantee of)
flirting.
Now,
if you also happen to be on a date with such a woman,
well,
that’s a big context clue that lends weight to the conclusion that she might
be flirting.
However,
you need to consider the behavior you’re seeing relative to that person
themselves.
How does what you’re seeing compare to how they normally are?
Despite all the laughing and giggling,
and despite being on a date,
if you later learn that this woman laughs and giggles this way with everyone
all the time,
your conclusion that she’s flirting suddenly seems a lot shakier!
Those caveats in mind,
consider the fundamentals of reading body language and the fact that it
typically serves a few main purposes.
Our body language can strengthen and confirm what we’re saying verbally,
it can contradict it (i.e.,
when you’re lying or concealing something),
it can replace it (when you show rather than tell),
or it can complement,
accent,
and diversify the message.
Your job as a body language reader is to see the big,
interconnected picture that the body language forms a part of.
Notice the verbal expression,
then notice the nonverbal expression—then notice the relationship between
them.
Do they contradict?
The person may be lying or else trying to hide something.
Maybe they themselves are unaware of a deeper truth.
Notice the overall feeling you get.
Do you get a sense of openness or closedness?
In general,
is there tension or relaxation?
Bigness in the body or smallness?
Is the body language defensive or exploratory (i.e.,
advancing or retreating)?
Remember the primary emotions and imagine that the body has its own primary
emotions,
too.
“Bigness” connects to confidence,
joy,
creativity,
or on the far end could signal dominance and aggression.
Think about a loud voice,
a sprawling posture,
and big,
open hands.
“Smallness” can mean fear,
submissiveness,
exhaustion.
A small voice,
breathlessness,
slouching,
hunching,
folding arms,
downcast eyes,
stillness ...or look for a feeling of tightness and restriction in the voice.
Are the hands and feet clenched,
held close,
fidgety,
quick,
unrelaxed?
What does this tell you in context?
Remember that no single data point is conclusive.
Instead,
look for patterns,
variation from baseline,
and context.
For example -
•Saying “I’m fine” and tightening the lips,
folding the arms,
and looking away (they’re not fine but want to conceal their irritation
...can you see primary and secondary emotions at play?).
•Taking a step back in a confrontational conversation and touching the hand
to the neck (a retreating,
defensive posture,
suggesting feeling threatened or attacked).
•A person who never,
ever praises others widens his eyes,
gives a slight nod,
and says,
“nice” when reviewing your work (a high compliment—for him!).
•A person quickly flutters a sideways glance at a friend and their eyes meet.
Both say nothing but both silently lift a single corner of their mouths before
breaking eye contact and continuing with the group meeting they’re both in (a
moment of camaraderie,
shared humor,
a secret in-joke;
without saying a word they say,
“You’re with me,
right?"
“Yup.”)
Judgments Of Others Reveal Attitudes To The Self.
One final tip to add to your people-reading toolkit is one you might not have
thought about - analyzing how people speak about others.
The words that someone uses to talk about other people can give you enormous
insight into their own personalities and how they think of themselves,
both good and bad.
Doctor Dustin Wood at Wake Forest University conducted a study in the Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology which suggested a link between your
perceptions of others and your own character.
In the study,
the participants were requested to list out the positive and negative qualities
of the people they knew.
Analyzing the data,
the researchers found that if a person had a habit of describing others
positively,
this pointed to similar positive traits in themselves.
So,
if someone judged their acquaintances as broadly kind,
happy,
emotionally stable,
and polite,
for example,
they tended to describe themselves that way too,
as well as be more likely to be described by others in similar terms.
Generally,
favorable descriptions tended to come from people who were satisfied with their
lives and generally liked by others.
If people used plenty of negative descriptors,
however,
the researchers found an increased likelihood of personality traits such as
narcissism and antisocial tendencies,
depression,
and even personality disorders.
What can we make of the findings of this study,
especially when it comes to better understanding the people around us?
Firstly,
notice not only what people are saying about others but also how they’re
saying it and the words they use.
Ask a friend what they think about another person,
and they may inadvertently tell you more about themselves!
Being overly negative may give you a hint that the person is largely unhappy,
neurotic,
or somehow disagreeable.
This makes sense—the mental models,
language,
and value judgments that the person applies to others are also applied to them.
This language is a peak into their world.
There’s also the fact that many people tend to project their worldview and
self-concept onto others—especially aspects of their “shadow” or those
parts of their personalities they’re unwilling to fully acknowledge.
When you’re reading people and getting to know them,
you might like to ask them their opinion about someone else—use a celebrity
if you don’t feel comfortable discussing a mutual acquaintance.
As they answer,
listen for a consistently negative interpretation of the others person’s
traits.
Complaining about a person’s actions is one thing,
and people may have justified reasons to dislike someone;
however,
listen closely to how the person is being described for who they actually are.
If you can notice the same negative patterns across different people,
this is an even stronger indication that the person speaking is in fact quite
unhappy with themselves.
Is there any relationship between what we say about others and our own
attitudes?
The study looked at broadly “negative” appraisals and personality traits,
but there may be reason to think that a person who constantly accuses others of
being “jealous,” for example,
is in fact themselves jealous.
It’s not always easy to spot when people are projecting onto others,
but if you notice someone leveling the same criticisms at everyone in their
lives,
that criticism probably applies more accurately to them.
Professional gossips tend to have low self-esteem—imagine their gossip is
really an externalized representation of their own negative inner talk.
What they deem unacceptable in others is usually what they cannot accept in
themselves!
Likewise,
people who blame others or complain about them are telling you that they have a
predominantly external locus of control—i.e.,
they see external events as controlling their lives,
and don’t see themselves as responsible free agents.
Finally,
people who describe others as threatening,
mean,
hostile,
and judgmental may be telling you that they have trouble with low self-worth,
depression,
or anxiety.
Listen closely—they’re seldom telling you about others but about how others
seem to them from their perspective.
Takeaways.
•To understand who people are and why they behave as they do,
we need to understand how they feel.
•Primary emotions are those that are automatic,
universal,
and innate - fear,
happiness,
surprise,
disgust,
sadness,
and anger all manifest via the body and serve a survival purpose.
Secondary emotions encompass the way we react to primary emotions,
and depend on cultural,
personal,
and familial factors.
Both primary and secondary emotions can be adaptive or maladaptive.
•We can use the A. B. C. model to help us understand and predict people’s
behavior .- Antecedents instigated Behaviors which are followed by Consequences.
Understanding what comes before and after an action helps us predict what
people will do in future and why.
•To observe primary emotions,
we read the body (and have evolved to do so!);
to observe secondary emotions,
we observe behavior while being aware of social and cultural contexts.
Though cultures differ in their expressions of secondary emotions,
all humans have a common experience of primary emotions.
•To be good people-readers,
we need empathy and verbal and non-verbal communication skills.
When reading body language,
no single action is conclusive.
Rather,
we observe repetition and patterns over time,
and we consider the context in which they occur and how that action varies
against a “control” baseline for that individual.
This has been
Become A Human Behavior Scientist:
Observe,
Read,
Understand,
and Decode People With Minimal Information (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 18) Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.