1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,960 Become A Human Behavior Scientist: 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:03,800 Observe, 3 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:04,720 Read, 4 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:05,280 Understand, 5 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:09,000 and Decode People With Minimal Information (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 18) 6 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:09,320 Written by 7 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,840 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton. 8 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:16,280 Chapter 1. 9 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:16,800 All About Emotions. 10 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,000 Understanding Primary Versus Secondary Emotions. 11 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,720 On our mission to become expert people-readers, 12 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,240 we need to start at the very beginning - emotions. 13 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,000 People think, 14 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:24,680 speak, 15 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:25,680 and act, 16 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:30,000 and these expressions can all be analyzed and interpreted to gain insight into 17 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,480 who they are as people. 18 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:37,760 But deeper than these expressions is what people feel—understand people’s 19 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,000 emotions and you unlock a more genuine, 20 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,760 more authentic picture of who they are. 21 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,880 Not only do you “get” them in a more profound way, 22 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,720 but you are then able to respond to them with understanding, 23 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,320 compassion, 24 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,600 and real empathy. 25 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:58,760 Paul Ekman’s notable emotion research identifies seven basic emotions - 26 00:00:58,760 --> 00:00:59,720 disgust, 27 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:00,760 surprise, 28 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:01,640 anger, 29 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,800 enjoyment, 30 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:03,120 fear, 31 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,560 contempt, 32 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,640 and sadness. 33 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:11,640 Other researchers have more or fewer categories and organize them differently, 34 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:16,800 but the idea is that as human beings we all share a few “primary colors” 35 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,440 when it comes to emotions. 36 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:23,720 The subtler feelings emerge when we consider mixes of these foundational 37 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,960 emotions at different intensities. 38 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:30,760 These so-called primary emotions have evolved from our earliest ancestors and 39 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,840 are innate—we don’t learn how to feel them. 40 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:40,280 They were and are essential for our survival and functioning in the world, 41 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,760 and are a natural reaction to events or situations, 42 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:44,600 i.e., 43 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,480 you win the lottery and feel elated and joyful. 44 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:52,560 Primary emotions are automatic and universal, 45 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,600 but they can be either more or less adaptive (here, 46 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,680 adaptive simply means healthy or useful in context). 47 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,080 Anger, 48 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:01,760 for example, 49 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:07,480 is adaptive if it empowers us to protect the innocent or assert a boundary. 50 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:12,880 It’s less adaptive if it inspires destruction or overriding other people’s 51 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,480 boundaries. 52 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:15,400 Similarly, 53 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:20,920 fear is a functional and healthy emotion if it serves our needs for safety or 54 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,040 alerts us to when we need to escape danger; 55 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:28,360 it’s less adaptive when it immobilizes us in the face of things that are 56 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,240 genuinely not a threat, 57 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,000 such as with a panic disorder. 58 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:33,520 So, 59 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,600 emotions are simply what they are—there are no “good” emotions or 60 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:38,640 “bad” ones. 61 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:39,400 Rather, 62 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:44,320 it’s about what works—emotions that undermine your wellbeing (or the 63 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,400 wellbeing of others) 64 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,480 are maladaptive, 65 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:52,160 while those that support the life we want to live are generally adaptive. 66 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,040 Emotions all have one thing in common - they move. 67 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,720 They change and flow, 68 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,280 come and go. 69 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,320 Remember that primary emotions are physiological functions that evolved to 70 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,120 increase our chances of survival. 71 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,600 Primary emotions emerge in a situation to serve a function, 72 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,520 like a temporary tool, 73 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,280 and then they disappear once that function is served. 74 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:16,520 What, 75 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,000 then, 76 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,480 are secondary emotions? 77 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:23,040 While primary emotions follow events in the environment, 78 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:29,000 secondary emotions follow primary emotions - they are our reactions and 79 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,520 emotions about our reactions and emotions. 80 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,520 If the primary emotion is, 81 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,480 for whatever reason, 82 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,480 unable to flow and move or to serve its purpose and dissipate, 83 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,200 then we may respond with secondary emotions. 84 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,240 These are not innate, 85 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,320 automatic, 86 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,280 or universal—in fact, 87 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,880 they follow cultural and familial patterns and are socialized and learned. 88 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,440 For example, 89 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,120 a primary emotion can be joy at winning the lottery. 90 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,320 But then, 91 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,760 someone might feel guilty about feeling so happy, 92 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,240 since they know that others aren’t so lucky, 93 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,960 and they’ve always been taught to not be boastful. 94 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:10,320 Maybe they come from a culture that emphasizes merit and earning money fair and 95 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:10,600 square, 96 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:15,480 so they construct a narrative around how unearned their success is, 97 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,040 and this fuels feelings of embarrassment and shame. 98 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,520 The primary emotion is joy; 99 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,240 the secondary one is shame and guilt. 100 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,080 Importantly, 101 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,400 the secondary one is more malleable, 102 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,440 voluntary, 103 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,640 and actually unconnected to the event of winning the lottery. 104 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,120 Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad. 105 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:35,600 However, 106 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:40,240 if we have a primary emotion in the context of a family or society that tells 107 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:40,880 us that, 108 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,040 for example, 109 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,880 it’s bad to be afraid, 110 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:47,280 we might then develop secondary emotions such as anger, 111 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,760 sadness or, 112 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:49,640 ironically, 113 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,680 more fear. 114 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:56,240 If you grew up in a family where sadness was not acceptable but anger was more 115 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:56,840 tolerated, 116 00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:02,920 you might never realize that beneath your anger was a more fundamental primary 117 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,480 emotion of sadness. 118 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:10,520 Whenever there is a judgment or resistance against a naturally emerging primary 119 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,240 emotion, 120 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,040 we generate secondary emotions. 121 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,840 We can feel disgusted at our fear. 122 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,640 We can feel overwhelmed by our happiness. 123 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,120 We can feel sad about our anxiety. 124 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,920 We can feel angry at our anger! 125 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:31,480 Messages about what emotions mean and how to respond to them come from our 126 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:32,120 immediate family, 127 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,480 from our culture and general environment, 128 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,960 and from our experiences going through life. 129 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,120 It’s these beliefs that cause the secondary emotions, 130 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,040 rather than any objective external event. 131 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:49,400 A man might lash out at his wife when he is feeling vulnerable and insecure. 132 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,000 In his culture, 133 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:56,920 lashing out in anger is more socially accepted for a man than crying or asking 134 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:57,560 for help. 135 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,040 Yet, 136 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,720 his feelings of fear and vulnerability are natural, 137 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,760 automatic, 138 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,120 and normal ...and they serve a purpose. 139 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,280 What’s more, 140 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:10,640 the cause of his anger is not his wife or anything in his immediate 141 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:10,840 environment, 142 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,680 but his own reaction to his primary emotion of fear. 143 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,600 He can wrestle endlessly with his anger, 144 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,200 but the “real” problem is that he is feeling vulnerable, 145 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:25,000 yet unable to allow that vulnerability to be what it is. 146 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:30,680 Many people have no idea about the extent to which their internalized messages, 147 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:31,320 assumptions, 148 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:32,320 beliefs, 149 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,840 and biases affect their emotional state. 150 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:39,040 They simply lump everything in as “how I feel." 151 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,160 And so, 152 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,880 depression might actually be at its root anger or resentment, 153 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:48,640 or anxiety can be more about deep sadness that we feel compelled to hide, 154 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:49,800 downplay, 155 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,320 or ignore. 156 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,840 How can we use this information to deepen our understanding of other people? 157 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:59,920 Emotional awareness is typically something we cultivate within ourselves, 158 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,960 but when we can grow an awareness of other people’s emotions, 159 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,240 we are in the realm of empathy and deep understanding. 160 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,800 Awareness of other people’s emotions is about being able to clearly identify 161 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,160 what is primary and what is secondary. 162 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:20,160 A great way to practice this is to become adept at noticing your own emotional 163 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:20,600 patterns! 164 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:27,160 One important way to distinguish between primary and secondary is to locate the 165 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,880 emotion - primary emotions are felt in the body, 166 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:36,600 while secondary emotions are cerebral and abstract and may not match the 167 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,120 expression or sensation of the physical body. 168 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,760 Imagine someone is suddenly responding to you with what seems like anger. 169 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,440 They might be yelling and hurling insults. 170 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,560 But you also notice what their body is doing. 171 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,320 They’re cowering almost in a defensive posture. 172 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,040 They’re shaking. 173 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:58,120 They look to be on the verge of tears and their voice is cracking up. 174 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,680 Here is your clue of the primary emotion - sadness, 175 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,080 vulnerability, 176 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:04,920 or terror. 177 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,680 Because you have become aware of the primary emotion, 178 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,920 you can respond to that and find far more compassion, 179 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:17,440 understanding and resolution for the situation than if you had merely responded 180 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,360 to the superficial display of anger. 181 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:23,560 If you had simply heard the words they said rather than reading the body 182 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,080 language, 183 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:28,360 you will not have truly understood their full state of mind in that moment. 184 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:34,640 While it would be great if everyone was ultra-aware of their own emotions and 185 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,080 knew how to self-regulate and communicate clearly, 186 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:41,200 the fact is that most people are messy and pretty complex. 187 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,600 To become good at reading people, 188 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:49,040 you need to learn the language of emotions—and there’s usually information 189 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,360 being communicated on several levels! 190 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:55,240 Here’s a tip to keep in mind as you start to delve into the people-reading 191 00:08:55,240 --> 00:09:00,680 arts - learn to listen to the deeper emotional content of what people are 192 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:01,400 saying or doing. 193 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:05,600 Notice what is a cascade of secondary emotions, 194 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,240 what is conscious rationalization and socialization, 195 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:13,400 what is performance ...and what is simply a pure, 196 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,120 raw emotional reaction at the root of all that. 197 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:20,440 People can react according to what they’ve been taught, 198 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,960 or expectations, 199 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,320 or what they think they should be doing. 200 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:25,280 Ask, 201 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,680 “What’s underneath this reaction?" 202 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,040 Often, 203 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,440 what is causing a person’s response is not the situation, 204 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:37,680 but their perception and interpretation of their initial response to that 205 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:38,320 situation. 206 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:42,760 Understand this and some people will think you can read their minds! 207 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:47,000 Step 1 .- Pause and become aware. 208 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:52,280 Look at all the information being communicated—body language is usually more 209 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:52,920 honest. 210 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:57,360 Step 2 .- Try to identify the primary emotion. 211 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,520 It may be a few layers deep. 212 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:06,120 Step 3 .- Bypass the secondary emotion and validate the primary emotion. 213 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,320 There’s no need to dissect, 214 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:09,200 argue, 215 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:09,640 judge, 216 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,520 or interpret. 217 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,600 Just remember that emotions are there to serve a function. 218 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,120 Figure out what function they are trying to serve, 219 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,920 allow them to do so, 220 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,920 then acknowledge them so they can be released. 221 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:27,880 Example .- You become aware that the person you’re on a date with is laughing 222 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,480 loudly and being extroverted, 223 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,920 but you notice signs of tension in their body. 224 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,920 You recognize that they probably feel nervous (primary) 225 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,800 and are trying to conceal it out of embarrassment (secondary). 226 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:45,360 You recognize that fear and apprehension and ask yourself what purpose it might 227 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:45,800 serve. 228 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,640 Fear is there to protect us against danger. 229 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,680 So, 230 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:55,120 you allow that fear to dissipate when you act to put them at ease and reduce 231 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,440 the threat in the situation. 232 00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:01,200 Perhaps you playfully acknowledge that it’s normal to get nervous on first 233 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,720 dates and that you’re nervous too. 234 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,760 By making a light-hearted joke, 235 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,800 you create an atmosphere of trust and relaxation. 236 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:12,760 Congratulations—you’ve not only “read” the situation but used what you 237 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,480 learned to connect more deeply with another human being. 238 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:20,120 Understanding Allows Us To Predict. 239 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:26,560 The classical Newtonian model of the physical universe saw the various 240 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,200 elementary particles like billiard balls on a table. 241 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:34,640 One idea was that if you understood the starting position of the billiard balls 242 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,080 and the rules that governed how they rolled around on the table, 243 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:43,160 then you could predict exactly where they would be at any point in the future. 244 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,520 Of course, 245 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:48,160 while human beings are far more complex than billiard balls on a table, 246 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,640 and while there is always chance and the effect of the unknown, 247 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,560 the basic principle applies. 248 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,720 If you understand how people are in the present, 249 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,240 and you understand the laws that govern their behavior, 250 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,560 then you can extrapolate that present moment into the future. 251 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:03,680 In other words, 252 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,280 you can predict what they’ll do. 253 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:12,280 A big part of wanting to understand people is precisely this power to 254 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,320 anticipate how they’ll act. 255 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:18,960 Understanding why people act as they do is a question of motivation. 256 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:24,480 We can assess other people’s behavior not according to our own emotions, 257 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,000 expectations, 258 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,000 and interpretations (i.e., 259 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:28,680 the “laws”), 260 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,360 but according to theirs. 261 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,280 So, 262 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,000 when done right, 263 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,720 empathy confers the power of prediction. 264 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:41,400 Psychologists Emily Balcetis and David Dunning have found that human beings are 265 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:46,040 actually poor at predicting our own behavior but are far better at predicting 266 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:46,720 what others will do. 267 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:52,080 There may be a personal blind spot when it comes to considering the effect of 268 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,640 the environment—we typically see ourselves in a vacuum, 269 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,680 whereas we (more correctly) 270 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:01,520 consider the effect of the environment on other people’s decision-making. 271 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:05,440 This bias again may have evolutionary roots. 272 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,360 Many of us overestimate how generous and kind we are, 273 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:16,120 or indulge more flattering visions of who we are—visions that objective 274 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,200 observers may be able to see more clearly! 275 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,760 The key to seeing others clearly? 276 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,880 It may lie in awareness not just of the person in themselves, 277 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,760 but of the person in context, 278 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:27,200 i.e., 279 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,480 how that person interacts with their situation. 280 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,600 It’s a little like knowing that a billiard ball is round and usually rolls, 281 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,360 but also that it won’t roll unless it’s on a smooth flat surface. 282 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:45,120 One of the biggest errors in predicting behavior—our own or others’—is 283 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,960 that we fail to factor in the context/environment. 284 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,640 We assume that people act only according to their own inner drives and 285 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,360 personalities, 286 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:58,160 when it’s more realistic to see people’s behavior as resulting from an 287 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,040 interaction between them and their environment. 288 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,160 Let’s look at two basic “rules” or laws we have uncovered when it comes 289 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,160 to human emotion - 290 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:10,920 •People experience primary emotions in response to events, 291 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:15,120 and secondary emotions in response to primary emotions, 292 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:15,880 and 293 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:21,000 •The secondary emotions are formed when we make a judgment about the primary 294 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:21,480 ones, 295 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,280 i.e., 296 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:27,800 we welcome them or avoid/resist them Using these two laws, 297 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:32,560 we can begin to understand people’s behavior and predict their future 298 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:33,000 behavior. 299 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,440 We’ll use the A. B. C. model, 300 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:40,120 which helps us understand what comes before behavior and what comes after. 301 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:45,800 People’s behavior becomes understandable when you know how they’re making 302 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,160 their own independent choices, 303 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,200 how they’re interpreting events, 304 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,480 what they value, 305 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,120 and what they’re trying to achieve. 306 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,640 Every person acts for a range of reasons; 307 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,920 understand the reasons and you can guess the act. 308 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,040 People aren’t machines, 309 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:06,200 and so any predictions are going to be mere guesses—but they can be pretty 310 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:06,720 good guesses! 311 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:12,680 The A. B. C. model is built on cause and effect - A – Antecedents. 312 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,680 B – Behavior. 313 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,960 C – Consequences. 314 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:22,360 A stimulus in the environment is an antecedent that triggers a behavioral 315 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,120 response, 316 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,360 and that is followed by consequences. 317 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:30,560 If the consequences are “good,” the behavior is more likely to continue, 318 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:35,080 and vice versa—this is feedback (or learning, 319 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,440 depending on the context). 320 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:41,480 Consequences can in turn act as antecedents for other behaviors, 321 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:46,440 and people’s actions and reactions are constantly overlapping with other 322 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:46,920 people’s. 323 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,680 When you’re trying to understand people, 324 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:54,840 your goal is to make the invisible visible—you want to see what is happening 325 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,520 before it manifests in outward behavior. 326 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:03,080 Using the A. B. C. model gives us a frame to break down and analyze human 327 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:03,520 behavior. 328 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:09,280 We can examine the consequences to see what they say about the behavior (more 329 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,800 of a problem-solving or trouble-shooting approach), 330 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:16,800 or we can start with the antecedents and try to see what they can tell us about 331 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,240 possible behaviors and outcomes (making predictions). 332 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:20,240 Again, 333 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,840 this is a model of human behavior—actual human behavior will be more complex. 334 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:25,360 Let’s look at an example. 335 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,480 Maybe you work with someone who has started to deliver projects late or miss 336 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,160 deadlines, 337 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,120 claiming mental health issues. 338 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:35,320 You also notice the response to them doing so - everyone else in the team picks 339 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,640 up their slack while expressing kindness and understanding. 340 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,680 Your manager, 341 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:45,080 noticing the increasing number of “mental health days,” decides to do 342 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:45,520 something. 343 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,840 She tries to solve the problem with a compromise - your colleague is allowed to 344 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,440 take some time working from home, 345 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,600 and the company will pay for regular sessions with a therapist ...but they’re 346 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,640 still required to meet their deadlines. 347 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,040 Now, 348 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,960 what do you predict will happen here? 349 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:06,160 You can gain a deeper insight when you break the initial situation down using 350 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:11,560 the A. B. C. model - Antecedents .- Your colleague is asked to meet a deadline 351 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,840 Behavior .- They miss the deadline, 352 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:21,040 blaming poor mental health Consequences .- No serious consequences (and 353 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,960 possible support and encouragement) 354 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:28,440 Using an operative conditioning model here allows us to think of the 355 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:32,320 consequences in terms of reward - the colleague will continue to shirk their 356 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:33,520 duties because, 357 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,120 frankly, 358 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,240 it’s working for them. 359 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,200 The response they get reinforces their initial behavior. 360 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,080 Now, 361 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,680 if your manager comes in and thinks, 362 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,600 “Mental health problems? 363 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,320 Okay, 364 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:49,320 I’ll take some steps to improve mental health,” what will happen? 365 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,800 You might predict some sort of friction. 366 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:57,600 When the manager removes the reward/consequence (not having to meet the 367 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,040 deadline), 368 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,360 the cause-and-effect chain breaks down. 369 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:04,480 Your colleague’s behavior no longer gets them the result it used to, 370 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,440 so we can predict their behavior will change. 371 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,920 What do you predict will happen? 372 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,280 Most likely, 373 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:17,000 the colleague will not accept this compromise as a solution at all and may 374 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,080 continue trying to negotiate, 375 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,640 miss further deadlines, 376 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,320 or try to get what they want (i.e., 377 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:24,920 the freedom to miss deadlines) 378 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,000 some other way (for example, 379 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,880 seeking a doctor’s note exempting them from having to work at all). 380 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,640 This may be frustrating for the manager, 381 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,440 who was dealing simply with the surface-level problem; 382 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,480 that is, 383 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,000 that the employee was struggling with their mental health. 384 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,360 But if you become aware of the other, 385 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,520 hidden dynamics, 386 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:49,040 you can see something the manager can’t - why the behavior is really there. 387 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,760 In this case, 388 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,680 your colleague may have been using mental health issues as an excuse, 389 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,280 which is why it’s a problem that can never actually be solved. 390 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,160 This is a very simplistic example. 391 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:01,880 You might have thought, 392 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,160 “Maybe the employee had many reasons for missing their deadlines ...maybe 393 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,600 there was some truth in their excuse." 394 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,600 Remember that - 395 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,680 •People experience primary emotions in response to events, 396 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,440 and secondary emotions in response to primary emotions, 397 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:17,520 and 398 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:22,280 •The secondary emotions are formed when we make a judgment about the primary 399 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,240 ones, 400 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:23,840 i.e., 401 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:29,360 we welcome them or avoid/resist them If you know a little bit about your 402 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:29,800 colleague, 403 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,840 you may have been able to observe their behavior more generally. 404 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,640 Perhaps you’ve noticed that - They are young, 405 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,520 in a junior position, 406 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,600 and rather timid They often complain about other colleagues, 407 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:47,160 but always behind their backs They frequently express their work in terms of 408 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:52,360 what they begrudgingly “should” do On occasion when they’ve been 409 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,880 criticized by other team members, 410 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:59,200 they completely collapse and take it personally You notice they never say no, 411 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,600 even though they often claim afterward that they didn’t want to do something 412 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:08,200 Are you beginning to get an idea of who this colleague is? 413 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,800 Now, 414 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:14,280 you’ve seen the external events and environmental conditions (the deadlines 415 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:14,840 problem, 416 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,840 the manager’s “compromise,” etc.) 417 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:21,160 and you’ve seen some of the “rules” that your colleague uses to navigate 418 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,000 this context. 419 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:26,080 Let’s put in the final piece of the puzzle - emotions. 420 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,520 Seeing all the data you’ve gathered, 421 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,520 you might start to understand that their primary emotion is perhaps a feeling 422 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:33,760 of being overwhelmed, 423 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,960 uninterested, 424 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,320 or resentful of the work assigned. 425 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,120 In any case, 426 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:42,520 there is resistance or unhappiness associated with the project. 427 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,280 However, 428 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,880 your colleague doesn’t feel able to say so. 429 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:46,960 Instead, 430 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,960 they do something else - claim they have a mental health issue which gets them 431 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:51,520 off the hook. 432 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,760 In this person’s world, 433 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,920 it is not acceptable to say, 434 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:56,520 “No, 435 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,320 I don’t want to do that,” or, 436 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,160 “I can’t do this, 437 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:00,960 please help me." 438 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,360 Instead, 439 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,480 it’s easier for them to take on the passive, 440 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,560 blameless position of someone who needs mental health support. 441 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,360 In a way, 442 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:16,160 maybe this is an indirect path to receiving the help and support they feel 443 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,440 unable to ask for directly. 444 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,400 Unconsciously, 445 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:24,400 your colleague may have gotten into the habit of saying I can’t because they 446 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,280 feel unable to say I won’t. 447 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,480 The primary emotion may be anger or disagreement. 448 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,440 But if they’ve been socialized to never show dissent or go against 449 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,160 higher-ups, 450 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,400 then they try to get what they want some other way. 451 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:45,360 Primary emotion .- I hate this job and I don’t want to do this stupid project. 452 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,240 Secondary emotion .- Woah, 453 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,240 you can’t think that! 454 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:53,120 You have to be accommodating and capable and obedient. 455 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,880 Behavior .- Claim a mental health issue. 456 00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,080 This gets you out of the stupid project without rocking the boat. 457 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,920 Of course, 458 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,640 all of this could be entirely unconscious. 459 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,200 But if you’re watching closely, 460 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,920 you can see it all. 461 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,800 You can predict not only what they’ll do with some accuracy, 462 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,000 but why. 463 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:17,480 You could guess that the employee will continue to evade doing the projects, 464 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:22,920 perhaps coming up with increasingly strained excuses and justifications. 465 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,360 Whatever happens, 466 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:29,400 you know that they’re going to act to avoid a primary emotion that they see 467 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:30,520 as unacceptable. 468 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,560 And you know that they’ll act according to their culture, 469 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,360 their personal biases, 470 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:35,760 their values, 471 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:36,440 their upbringing, 472 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,720 their family past, 473 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:38,280 and so on. 474 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:40,720 You won’t become a mind-reader, 475 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,920 but you’ll be able to see that the manager’s approach is unlikely to 476 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:45,600 succeed! 477 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,200 If you wanted to support your colleague? 478 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,920 You could skip over the part where they’re claiming mental health issues and 479 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:56,560 instead recognize and validate the primary emotion. 480 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,240 You could talk to them and find out the cause of their resistance to the work, 481 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,880 and encourage them to explore this and communicate it clearly. 482 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,480 Granted, 483 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,720 it’s not your job to help this person learn to accept and acknowledge their 484 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:11,720 primary emotions, 485 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:17,240 but you can go a long way to connecting and harmonizing with others when you 486 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,520 speak to what is really bothering them. 487 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:24,160 Let’s return to our original process for understanding other people’s 488 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,400 emotions - Step 1 .- Pause and become aware. 489 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:31,920 Look at all the information that is being communicated—body language is 490 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,120 usually more honest. 491 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:37,480 Step 2 .- Try to identify the primary emotion. 492 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:44,040 Step 3 .- Bypass the secondary emotion and validate the primary emotion. 493 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,720 Remember that emotions are there to serve a function. 494 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:50,080 Figure out what function they are trying to serve, 495 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,720 allow them to do so, 496 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,560 then acknowledge them so they can be released. 497 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:59,480 We can add to this process by considering the role that antecedents and 498 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:00,840 consequences play, 499 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,680 according to the A. B. C. framework. 500 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,320 When you’re analyzing a situation and what’s going in, 501 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:11,320 ask yourself - What came before this behavior that I’m observing? 502 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:18,480 What has come/will come/typically comes after the behavior I’m observing? 503 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:22,080 When you observe people in the moment, 504 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,960 you put them in context, 505 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,000 but when you ask the above questions, 506 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:32,160 you put the behavior into a chronological sequence and get insight into cause 507 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:32,640 and effect. 508 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:33,520 So, 509 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:34,080 for example, 510 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,160 you see that your friend is suddenly in a rotten mood. 511 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,680 You don’t understand it, 512 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:43,080 but then you recall what happened immediately before their mood plummeted and 513 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,800 put two and two together. 514 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:48,720 Or maybe you see your partner growing anxious. 515 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:49,720 Why? 516 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,680 You think about what’s coming up in the future. 517 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:53,400 Or, 518 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:57,280 you ask yourself what the result or outcome of their behavior is. 519 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,400 It might not make sense to you or anyone else, 520 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,800 but what does it mean to them? 521 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,440 Are they behaving in expectation of a certain outcome? 522 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:12,400 So many of our secondary emotions are there because we have learned in the past 523 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:17,120 that certain emotional expressions are acceptable and certain ones aren’t. 524 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,000 So, 525 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:22,440 ask yourself about the processes that are leading to a person’s secondary 526 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:23,000 emotions. 527 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:29,160 Imagine you meet a person who constantly brags about the Ph.D. they earned 528 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,320 from an Ivy League university. 529 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:35,160 They’re a published author and wearing a T-shirt printed with a quirky 530 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,000 mathematical joke. 531 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,840 One day you politely correct their pronunciation of a common word, 532 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:41,760 in public. 533 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:42,080 Now, 534 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,200 what is going on in the head of this person? 535 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,960 What are they going to do and why? 536 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:52,560 Primary emotion - embarrassment at not knowing something, 537 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,160 or perhaps even strong humiliation at being stupid or uneducated. 538 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:03,760 Denial and rejection of this primary emotion leading to ... Secondary emotion - 539 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,560 pride, 540 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:05,640 superiority, 541 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:10,280 mild irritation (more compatible with self-identity) 542 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:16,880 Antecedent - you say something that challenges this person’s identity as a 543 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:21,200 smarty pants know-it-all Behavior - the person laughs and scoffs, 544 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:21,600 saying, 545 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,560 “I know how it’s pronounced. 546 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,400 I was just making a joke. 547 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,600 Obviously." 548 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:33,760 Consequence .- People laugh and the person’s identity as intelligent is still 549 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:34,160 intact. 550 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:40,960 You can gather incredible amounts of high-quality data in just a few minutes or 551 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:41,640 seconds. 552 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,320 By merely paying attention to people’s emotions, 553 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,560 to their behavior and what follows and precedes it, 554 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,880 and to the little clues that tell you about their context, 555 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:55,520 you can gain astonishing insight into what makes people tick. 556 00:26:55,520 --> 00:27:00,040 You’d now know that the way to this person’s heart would be to affirm their 557 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,360 value as a human being outside of their perceived intelligence. 558 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,280 If you wanted to make an enemy of them, 559 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,720 do the reverse (i.e., 560 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:09,760 correct them!). 561 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:14,600 You now know what threatens them and where they get their sense of purpose and 562 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,360 direction from. 563 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,840 You know how to flatter them (ask their advice), 564 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:24,080 how to speak so they’ll hear you (frame your arguments as rational and 565 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:24,520 logical), 566 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,840 and how to motivate them (use status, 567 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:28,480 praise, 568 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,240 and recognition for their intellectual superiority). 569 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:35,440 You can predict the triggers that will have certain effects on them, 570 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:39,800 and this way be able to predict (and possibly, 571 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:40,600 if you liked, 572 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,600 control) 573 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:42,360 their responses. 574 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:47,960 And all this comes from simply learning to read the undercurrent of emotional 575 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,680 information flowing in every interaction or situation. 576 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:57,400 Understanding people is not magic—it just requires that we pay attention. 577 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:01,200 Learning To Perceive Emotion. 578 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:02,600 So far, 579 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:06,640 we’ve spoken about what to do with the undercurrent of emotional information 580 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,520 that people are constantly transmitting. 581 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,760 But you may have read the previous examples and wondered, 582 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:13,360 “That sounds great, 583 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,280 but how do you know your date is feeling nervous? 584 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:22,120 How exactly can you tell that someone is feeling embarrassed or sad or angry?" 585 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:27,280 The fact is that human beings are primarily built for non-verbal communication. 586 00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:28,160 It’s what we do. 587 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:34,280 Think of it this way - we evolved to communicate without words thousands of 588 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,880 years before we developed symbols and syntax. 589 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:41,080 It may seem weird and abstract to read people beyond the words they’re 590 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:41,480 saying, 591 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,000 but the non-verbal mode is in fact more ancient, 592 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,480 more well-developed, 593 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,640 and more natural for human beings. 594 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:52,320 It’s just a matter of tuning back into that radio station, 595 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:52,880 so to speak! 596 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:58,040 Let’s recall that there are two kinds of emotions—primary and secondary. 597 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,800 We know that primary emotions are innate, 598 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:01,840 universal, 599 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:03,000 and automatic. 600 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:08,480 We express them automatically too—just think of how unconscious and 601 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,280 spontaneous your expression of surprise is. 602 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:16,640 People’s ability to read the basic primary emotions are also hard-wired into 603 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:17,000 the brain. 604 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:17,560 In fact, 605 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:23,040 scientists have discovered areas of the brain that appear to be specially 606 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:27,160 devoted to the perception and processing of other people’s facial 607 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,280 expressions, 608 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:29,520 body language, 609 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,840 and tone of voice. 610 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,760 But what about secondary emotions? 611 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:38,320 Since these are all about the narratives and interpretations we have in 612 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,120 reaction to primary emotions, 613 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:44,000 they’re more culture-bound and dependent on context. 614 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,000 Depending on the culture or historical period, 615 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:48,840 our families and our education, 616 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:52,520 we are all taught slightly different “rules” for the expression of 617 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,080 emotions, 618 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,480 which emotions are good and bad, 619 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:57,840 and what certain emotions mean. 620 00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,680 So, 621 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:02,920 when we see cultural variation in how people experience emotions, 622 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,640 it’s usually the secondary emotions they’re talking about. 623 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,440 When it comes to raw, 624 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,760 fundamental feeling states like fear or happiness, 625 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:15,440 all human beings seem to agree on what the rules are! 626 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:16,920 As an example, 627 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,800 consider the simple act of smiling. 628 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:24,560 Even a tiny infant understands that someone who is smiling is friendly and 629 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:25,000 approachable. 630 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:26,960 Every human being, 631 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,760 regardless of language or background, 632 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:33,800 knows broadly that smiling = happy. 633 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:38,960 We spontaneously smile when we see something we like or that makes us glad. 634 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,200 However, 635 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:45,320 there are cultural differences in how smiling is used as a secondary emotion, 636 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:48,240 or a conscious and deliberate display. 637 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,000 In certain Asian countries, 638 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:54,000 it’s a cultural norm to smile during disagreements or tense moments, 639 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,160 in order to diffuse tension and increase harmony. 640 00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:58,160 However, 641 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:02,680 if an Asian person tried smiling during a heated argument in, 642 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:03,080 say, 643 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:03,720 America, 644 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:07,320 he might find that people read him as mocking, 645 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:11,320 or assume he’s not taking them seriously ...which would lead to more friction. 646 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:15,160 It’s not just culture that affects how we read one another. 647 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:19,080 Let’s say you’ve grown up in a family where it was taboo to raise your 648 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:19,320 voice, 649 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:24,000 and the unspoken rule was that people solved their disagreements by talking 650 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:25,280 quietly (or, 651 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,520 let’s be honest, 652 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,520 by sulking or silent treatment). 653 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:34,200 You might one day marry someone who frequently gets “excited” in lively 654 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:34,960 disagreements, 655 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:39,880 and you may read this as terrifying and something to avoid at all costs. 656 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,200 For you, 657 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,040 talking loudly and forcefully reads as anger, 658 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,120 whereas your spouse is confused by this and might say, 659 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,760 “What’s the problem? 660 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:50,760 I’m not angry! 661 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,080 I’m just making my point." 662 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:53,560 Of course, 663 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:54,560 the personal, 664 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,600 the cultural and the familial all bounce off one another. 665 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:03,000 The culture we live in influences the rules we teach our children, 666 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:08,400 and those children in turn shape how the culture at large expresses itself. 667 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,560 The way to read primary emotions is through the body. 668 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:17,280 The facial features and muscles (including the muscles in the voice box) 669 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:21,200 are part of the physical body and respond to changes in the environment like 670 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,040 any other organ. 671 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:27,480 The expression your face wears is a direct and literal expression of, 672 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:28,520 for example, 673 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:32,720 different hormone levels in your body (like cortisol or oxytocin). 674 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:33,800 In fact, 675 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:39,080 your entire body has its “expressions”—think about what it means when 676 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:43,840 your heart beats ultra-fast or your palms sweat or your mouth waters. 677 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,280 Your face, 678 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:45,600 then, 679 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:50,440 is just one outwardly visible expression of your body’s internal state. 680 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:57,320 The fusiform face area is a part of the brain’s visual processing machinery 681 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:01,840 that is exclusively in charge of reading and interpreting people’s facial 682 00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:02,360 expressions. 683 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:07,520 These perceptions are then processed in part via the amygdala, 684 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:10,480 which is strongly connected to our memories and emotions. 685 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,000 For our ancient ancestors, 686 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,640 this skill was not a question of mere socializing but one of urgent 687 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:22,960 survival—being able to tell friend from foe and being able to bond and 688 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,600 connect with your tribe could literally spell the difference between life and 689 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:26,880 death. 690 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:32,360 Have you ever had a strong gut feeling about someone yet couldn’t quite put 691 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:33,760 your finger on why? 692 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:40,120 It’s probably because this part of your brain was working unconsciously and 693 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:41,360 automatically, 694 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,760 alerting you to who you could trust. 695 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:47,120 While our primary emotions are innate and universal, 696 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:51,920 we nevertheless have to be aware of cultural rules which shape secondary 697 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:52,400 emotions. 698 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:57,720 Some of these cultural norms include “display rules” about how to express 699 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,200 emotion and when and to whom. 700 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,000 In some countries, 701 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,960 excessive emotion is distrusted, 702 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,640 while in others being shy and withdrawn is seen as rude. 703 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,520 There are rules about eye contact, 704 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:11,560 smiling, 705 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,120 the volume of the voice, 706 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:14,280 who speaks first, 707 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,200 and laughing. 708 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:16,960 As human beings, 709 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,880 we all experience the same primary emotions, 710 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:23,760 but our culture shapes and determines how we express that. 711 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,640 We need to factor this into any reading we make. 712 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:35,760 A famous 1971 experiment by psychologist Paul Ekman had Japanese and American 713 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:37,800 participants watch various films. 714 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,400 All participants had the same facial expressions as they watched, 715 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:42,280 however, 716 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:46,800 the Japanese participants tended to show fewer “negative” emotions when 717 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:48,640 someone else was in the room with them. 718 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:49,680 In fact, 719 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,960 they were more likely to smile! 720 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:57,280 The primary emotion was the same for all participants—what differed was the 721 00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,000 “rules” they’d internalized from their cultures, 722 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,320 and hence their secondary emotional expressions. 723 00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:07,640 Culture affects not only the way we express our emotions, 724 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,360 but also the way we read and interpret the emotions of others. 725 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:16,360 Experiments have been done where the movement of the eyes can be accurately 726 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:16,760 tracked, 727 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:19,920 to see where people focus when they read a facial expression. 728 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,000 There are some cultural differences here, 729 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,520 too .- East Asians tend to read the eyes primarily, 730 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:29,200 while Westerners read the whole face more generally, 731 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,280 and in particular the mouth. 732 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:37,360 Have you ever noticed that Asian emojis are quite different from American ones? 733 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:41,480 The Western emojis vary widely in the mouth, 734 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,920 whereas the Asian emojis are all about the eyes. 735 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:47,160 Now you know why! 736 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:48,480 So, 737 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,440 how can we become better at reading emotion? 738 00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:54,120 If it’s secondary emotions, 739 00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:59,520 the answer is - be aware of the role that social and cultural contexts play, 740 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:00,920 to learn the “rules." 741 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,000 If it’s primary emotions, 742 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:03,320 however, 743 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,200 it’s all about reading the body, 744 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:10,000 and the good news is that you are already an expert at this—even if it 745 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,560 doesn’t feel like it! 746 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:18,120 The “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test devised by Simon Baron-Cohen (no, 747 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:18,880 no relation) 748 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:23,360 asks you to guess people’s emotions from their eyes alone. 749 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:26,040 You can Google the test and try it free online. 750 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,920 You may be surprised at your result! 751 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:33,760 The superpower of expression-reading is really one that just needs a little 752 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:34,360 practice. 753 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:40,040 Encourage yourself often to really look at people and see what you see. 754 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:45,040 Sometimes we fail to read people not because we’re unskilled but simply 755 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:48,160 because we’ve become used to discounting what we already know. 756 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:54,640 Ignore their words for a moment and just let your fusiform gyrus do the work 757 00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:55,080 for you! 758 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:55,960 Yes, 759 00:36:55,960 --> 00:37:01,400 culture and upbringing affect both the expression and interpretation of facial 760 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:01,920 expressions, 761 00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:02,880 but remember, 762 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:03,120 too, 763 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:07,680 that we have had finely tuned emotional recognition software in our brains for 764 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:08,720 a long, 765 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:12,160 long time—longer than we’ve had cultures! 766 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:16,160 Listening To What The Body Is Saying. 767 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,640 Let’s cut to the chase - if you’re reading this book, 768 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:24,160 chances are you’d really like some tips for how to make accurate guesses 769 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:27,240 about a person’s mental state beyond their verbal expression. 770 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:28,840 If empathy, 771 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:30,040 understanding, 772 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:32,000 and connection are your destination, 773 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:36,360 then there is one sure-fire path - communication. 774 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,120 We’re always communicating. 775 00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:40,280 Consciously or unconsciously, 776 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:42,240 verbally or non-verbally, 777 00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:46,320 people are continually broadcasting their state of mind, 778 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,360 their intentions, 779 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,080 and their emotions. 780 00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:51,360 They do this on many different channels, 781 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:53,520 not just that of spoken language. 782 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:54,360 Gesture. 783 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:55,200 Posture. 784 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:55,920 Tone, 785 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:56,480 volume, 786 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:56,960 pace, 787 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:57,680 pitch, 788 00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,000 and modulation of voice. 789 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,240 Facial expression. 790 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:01,440 Bodily movements. 791 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,680 Reactions to things in the environment. 792 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:05,960 This is all important data! 793 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:09,080 Even silence and stillness communicate plenty. 794 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:16,400 The first rule in reading body language is that it is primary—our bodies 795 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:17,480 respond immediately, 796 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:18,480 naturally, 797 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:19,360 and truthfully. 798 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:23,200 If the verbal and non-verbal expression don’t match, 799 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,320 the non-verbal is typically the “truth." 800 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:27,320 Now, 801 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:32,320 if you ever see a definitive collection of fixed body language behaviors and a 802 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:34,960 list of what they “mean,” then ignore it. 803 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,960 The second rule is that when you read someone, 804 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:41,480 you’re never interpreting a single expression in isolation. 805 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:42,040 Rather, 806 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:43,240 you’re looking for a) 807 00:38:43,240 --> 00:38:43,960 patterns, 808 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:45,040 b) 809 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:45,920 context, 810 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,120 and c) 811 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:50,800 variation from baseline For example, 812 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:55,400 it’s often claimed that a woman twiddling her hair is being flirtatious. 813 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,680 If you see this behavior precisely once, 814 00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:02,440 and it occurs on a windy day that causes her hair to blow around, 815 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,520 then it would be silly to conclude you’re being flirted with. 816 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:07,280 Instead, 817 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:11,600 look at the bigger picture - repeatedly touching the hair, 818 00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:13,960 constant giggling and smiling, 819 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:14,800 joking, 820 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,440 playful touches on the arm, 821 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:22,440 and raised voice pitch all create a pattern that is strongly suggestive of (not 822 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:23,760 a guarantee of) 823 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:24,200 flirting. 824 00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:25,040 Now, 825 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,000 if you also happen to be on a date with such a woman, 826 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,760 well, 827 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:33,720 that’s a big context clue that lends weight to the conclusion that she might 828 00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:34,320 be flirting. 829 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,360 However, 830 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:40,000 you need to consider the behavior you’re seeing relative to that person 831 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:40,600 themselves. 832 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:46,160 How does what you’re seeing compare to how they normally are? 833 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:49,360 Despite all the laughing and giggling, 834 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,240 and despite being on a date, 835 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:55,280 if you later learn that this woman laughs and giggles this way with everyone 836 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:55,840 all the time, 837 00:39:55,840 --> 00:40:00,360 your conclusion that she’s flirting suddenly seems a lot shakier! 838 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,640 Those caveats in mind, 839 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:07,480 consider the fundamentals of reading body language and the fact that it 840 00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:09,520 typically serves a few main purposes. 841 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:14,480 Our body language can strengthen and confirm what we’re saying verbally, 842 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,120 it can contradict it (i.e., 843 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:19,480 when you’re lying or concealing something), 844 00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:23,240 it can replace it (when you show rather than tell), 845 00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:25,320 or it can complement, 846 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,280 accent, 847 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,880 and diversify the message. 848 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:32,840 Your job as a body language reader is to see the big, 849 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:37,360 interconnected picture that the body language forms a part of. 850 00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,120 Notice the verbal expression, 851 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:45,320 then notice the nonverbal expression—then notice the relationship between 852 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:45,560 them. 853 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:47,560 Do they contradict? 854 00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:51,440 The person may be lying or else trying to hide something. 855 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:55,040 Maybe they themselves are unaware of a deeper truth. 856 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:58,000 Notice the overall feeling you get. 857 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,200 Do you get a sense of openness or closedness? 858 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,320 In general, 859 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,960 is there tension or relaxation? 860 00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:07,680 Bigness in the body or smallness? 861 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:12,840 Is the body language defensive or exploratory (i.e., 862 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:14,640 advancing or retreating)? 863 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:20,800 Remember the primary emotions and imagine that the body has its own primary 864 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:21,320 emotions, 865 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:21,760 too. 866 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,560 “Bigness” connects to confidence, 867 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:25,040 joy, 868 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,160 creativity, 869 00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:30,480 or on the far end could signal dominance and aggression. 870 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:32,480 Think about a loud voice, 871 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,120 a sprawling posture, 872 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:34,920 and big, 873 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:35,920 open hands. 874 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,280 “Smallness” can mean fear, 875 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:39,440 submissiveness, 876 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:40,320 exhaustion. 877 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:41,640 A small voice, 878 00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:42,680 breathlessness, 879 00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:43,560 slouching, 880 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:44,080 hunching, 881 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:45,200 folding arms, 882 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:46,400 downcast eyes, 883 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:51,520 stillness ...or look for a feeling of tightness and restriction in the voice. 884 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,600 Are the hands and feet clenched, 885 00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:54,720 held close, 886 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:55,600 fidgety, 887 00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:56,120 quick, 888 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:57,320 unrelaxed? 889 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,400 What does this tell you in context? 890 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:05,160 Remember that no single data point is conclusive. 891 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:05,840 Instead, 892 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:07,440 look for patterns, 893 00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,440 variation from baseline, 894 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:10,800 and context. 895 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,280 For example - 896 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,680 •Saying “I’m fine” and tightening the lips, 897 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:16,800 folding the arms, 898 00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:22,640 and looking away (they’re not fine but want to conceal their irritation 899 00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:26,240 ...can you see primary and secondary emotions at play?). 900 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:32,680 •Taking a step back in a confrontational conversation and touching the hand 901 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,000 to the neck (a retreating, 902 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:35,880 defensive posture, 903 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,720 suggesting feeling threatened or attacked). 904 00:42:38,720 --> 00:42:41,400 •A person who never, 905 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:44,400 ever praises others widens his eyes, 906 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:45,680 gives a slight nod, 907 00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:46,280 and says, 908 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:52,320 “nice” when reviewing your work (a high compliment—for him!). 909 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:58,840 •A person quickly flutters a sideways glance at a friend and their eyes meet. 910 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:04,280 Both say nothing but both silently lift a single corner of their mouths before 911 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:08,160 breaking eye contact and continuing with the group meeting they’re both in (a 912 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,600 moment of camaraderie, 913 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:11,840 shared humor, 914 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,720 a secret in-joke; 915 00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:15,120 without saying a word they say, 916 00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:16,400 “You’re with me, 917 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:17,000 right?" 918 00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,200 “Yup.”) 919 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:24,120 Judgments Of Others Reveal Attitudes To The Self. 920 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:30,640 One final tip to add to your people-reading toolkit is one you might not have 921 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:34,400 thought about - analyzing how people speak about others. 922 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:40,640 The words that someone uses to talk about other people can give you enormous 923 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,920 insight into their own personalities and how they think of themselves, 924 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,960 both good and bad. 925 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:52,120 Doctor Dustin Wood at Wake Forest University conducted a study in the Journal 926 00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:56,960 of Personality and Social Psychology which suggested a link between your 927 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:00,000 perceptions of others and your own character. 928 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:01,840 In the study, 929 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:06,680 the participants were requested to list out the positive and negative qualities 930 00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:07,480 of the people they knew. 931 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,280 Analyzing the data, 932 00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:14,680 the researchers found that if a person had a habit of describing others 933 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:15,320 positively, 934 00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:19,280 this pointed to similar positive traits in themselves. 935 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:20,000 So, 936 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:23,720 if someone judged their acquaintances as broadly kind, 937 00:44:23,720 --> 00:44:24,520 happy, 938 00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:25,800 emotionally stable, 939 00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:26,440 and polite, 940 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:27,200 for example, 941 00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,520 they tended to describe themselves that way too, 942 00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:35,440 as well as be more likely to be described by others in similar terms. 943 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:37,200 Generally, 944 00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:41,600 favorable descriptions tended to come from people who were satisfied with their 945 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:44,200 lives and generally liked by others. 946 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:47,400 If people used plenty of negative descriptors, 947 00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:47,880 however, 948 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:52,640 the researchers found an increased likelihood of personality traits such as 949 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,880 narcissism and antisocial tendencies, 950 00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:56,960 depression, 951 00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,160 and even personality disorders. 952 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:02,880 What can we make of the findings of this study, 953 00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,920 especially when it comes to better understanding the people around us? 954 00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:07,360 Firstly, 955 00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:12,880 notice not only what people are saying about others but also how they’re 956 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:15,320 saying it and the words they use. 957 00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:18,880 Ask a friend what they think about another person, 958 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:22,600 and they may inadvertently tell you more about themselves! 959 00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:27,400 Being overly negative may give you a hint that the person is largely unhappy, 960 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:28,560 neurotic, 961 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,200 or somehow disagreeable. 962 00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:33,760 This makes sense—the mental models, 963 00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:34,240 language, 964 00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:39,040 and value judgments that the person applies to others are also applied to them. 965 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:43,560 This language is a peak into their world. 966 00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:48,400 There’s also the fact that many people tend to project their worldview and 967 00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:54,920 self-concept onto others—especially aspects of their “shadow” or those 968 00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:58,360 parts of their personalities they’re unwilling to fully acknowledge. 969 00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:02,320 When you’re reading people and getting to know them, 970 00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:07,480 you might like to ask them their opinion about someone else—use a celebrity 971 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:09,840 if you don’t feel comfortable discussing a mutual acquaintance. 972 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,440 As they answer, 973 00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:16,960 listen for a consistently negative interpretation of the others person’s 974 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:17,600 traits. 975 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:21,320 Complaining about a person’s actions is one thing, 976 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,880 and people may have justified reasons to dislike someone; 977 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:25,440 however, 978 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:31,360 listen closely to how the person is being described for who they actually are. 979 00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:36,240 If you can notice the same negative patterns across different people, 980 00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:42,680 this is an even stronger indication that the person speaking is in fact quite 981 00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:43,840 unhappy with themselves. 982 00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:48,960 Is there any relationship between what we say about others and our own 983 00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:49,600 attitudes? 984 00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:54,040 The study looked at broadly “negative” appraisals and personality traits, 985 00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:59,040 but there may be reason to think that a person who constantly accuses others of 986 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,680 being “jealous,” for example, 987 00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:03,680 is in fact themselves jealous. 988 00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:08,440 It’s not always easy to spot when people are projecting onto others, 989 00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:13,280 but if you notice someone leveling the same criticisms at everyone in their 990 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:13,720 lives, 991 00:47:13,720 --> 00:47:18,200 that criticism probably applies more accurately to them. 992 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:25,320 Professional gossips tend to have low self-esteem—imagine their gossip is 993 00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:29,600 really an externalized representation of their own negative inner talk. 994 00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:36,200 What they deem unacceptable in others is usually what they cannot accept in 995 00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:37,000 themselves! 996 00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:38,160 Likewise, 997 00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:42,760 people who blame others or complain about them are telling you that they have a 998 00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:46,200 predominantly external locus of control—i.e., 999 00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:49,440 they see external events as controlling their lives, 1000 00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:53,960 and don’t see themselves as responsible free agents. 1001 00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:55,640 Finally, 1002 00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:58,240 people who describe others as threatening, 1003 00:47:58,240 --> 00:47:59,040 mean, 1004 00:47:59,040 --> 00:47:59,960 hostile, 1005 00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:04,720 and judgmental may be telling you that they have trouble with low self-worth, 1006 00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:05,720 depression, 1007 00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:06,760 or anxiety. 1008 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:12,920 Listen closely—they’re seldom telling you about others but about how others 1009 00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:15,520 seem to them from their perspective. 1010 00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,560 Takeaways. 1011 00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:23,840 •To understand who people are and why they behave as they do, 1012 00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:25,880 we need to understand how they feel. 1013 00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:30,440 •Primary emotions are those that are automatic, 1014 00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:31,480 universal, 1015 00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,760 and innate - fear, 1016 00:48:33,760 --> 00:48:34,840 happiness, 1017 00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,000 surprise, 1018 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:36,760 disgust, 1019 00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:37,600 sadness, 1020 00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:42,600 and anger all manifest via the body and serve a survival purpose. 1021 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:47,480 Secondary emotions encompass the way we react to primary emotions, 1022 00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:48,880 and depend on cultural, 1023 00:48:48,880 --> 00:48:49,760 personal, 1024 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,520 and familial factors. 1025 00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:57,240 Both primary and secondary emotions can be adaptive or maladaptive. 1026 00:48:57,240 --> 00:49:02,920 •We can use the A. B. C. model to help us understand and predict people’s 1027 00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:08,320 behavior .- Antecedents instigated Behaviors which are followed by Consequences. 1028 00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:14,240 Understanding what comes before and after an action helps us predict what 1029 00:49:14,240 --> 00:49:16,320 people will do in future and why. 1030 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:20,000 •To observe primary emotions, 1031 00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:23,920 we read the body (and have evolved to do so!); 1032 00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:26,120 to observe secondary emotions, 1033 00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:31,520 we observe behavior while being aware of social and cultural contexts. 1034 00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:35,800 Though cultures differ in their expressions of secondary emotions, 1035 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:40,440 all humans have a common experience of primary emotions. 1036 00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:43,360 •To be good people-readers, 1037 00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:48,240 we need empathy and verbal and non-verbal communication skills. 1038 00:49:48,240 --> 00:49:50,880 When reading body language, 1039 00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:53,360 no single action is conclusive. 1040 00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:53,880 Rather, 1041 00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,240 we observe repetition and patterns over time, 1042 00:49:57,240 --> 00:50:02,880 and we consider the context in which they occur and how that action varies 1043 00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:06,320 against a “control” baseline for that individual. 1044 00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:10,600 This has been 1045 00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:12,920 Become A Human Behavior Scientist: 1046 00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:13,800 Observe, 1047 00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:14,480 Read, 1048 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,720 Understand, 1049 00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:24,480 and Decode People With Minimal Information (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 18) Written by 1050 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:31,280 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.