Foreign welcome to a brand new week.

I'm glad to be able to share it with you and join in.

I am back again behind the mic to talk about something that I think is important.

Before I do that, just to introduce myself, I'm Dr.

Ray Mitch, your host of Unscripted.

It is the collected wisdom of life, living and sorrow.

And I think there's probably a lot more to it than meets the eye, partly because of how much of our lives oftentimes are punctuated by sorrow.

But we really don't think in those terms.

And that's what I want to address in one fashion or another.

Now the reality is, is that there is a certain selfish part of me that is doing this because of the sorrow that I continue to feel.

I had a good friend of mine of 34 years that died a year ago, and a lot of the anniversaries are starting to hit because we're past the midway point of February.

And that was when I started to get updates and people telling me how he was doing and what was going on there.

And I can just feel in various points in time in my day or otherwise, where I am thinking about it and it rests on my shoulders in so many ways, thinking back to that year.

And that's really a part of sorrow is this aspect of anniversaries.

And I spent a little time in another podcast talking about it, and if you want, you can go back and listen to was one of the early ones, so probably one through five.

One of those was on anniversary.

In a lot of cases we experience that kind of thing without really knowing it.

Sometimes we don't even identify that that's exactly what we're feeling and the thoughts begin to show up and the things that we feel show up as well.

So that's what Unscripted is all about.

It's partly that and partly about talking through the seasons of our grief and what they all mean and how we experience them and the things that are important to understand about them.

And remember that grief is not just about loss to death, but it also is other losses.

And while we may not go through the full range of emotions and anniversaries and everything else, oftentimes there's a lot in there that is very similar.

And to some degree it is a.

I was going to say a warm up.

I wouldn't call it a warm up, but it is a playing through of things that we will experience again.

And that is the inevitability of life.

And life is continuous with death, not death discontinuous with life because death, ultimately the end of our lives, actually gives meaning to the lives we choose to live.

So what I want to talk about tonight is I've got it entitled From Formula to Faith.

And it's not a topic we usually talk about or even really want to talk about.

And part of the reason for that is that we really honestly don't even think about it.

Quite honestly, I don't think when I point it out, people don't notice it really.

And we as humans, we tend to see almost any situation in terms of if then, if I do this, then this will occur, or this person will say this, or they will think this or whatever.

There's always a if then in there.

And that's something I call a formula.

And our tendency is to take our relationship with God that same way.

It becomes a formula approach.

Now, there was an entire group of people during Jesus Day that had put together an extensive library of formula about how to worship God, about ritual cleansing and cleaning, about all sorts of things.

Some very minute, really when it comes right down to it.

And for us it seems a little odd and maybe even ridiculous if you want to really stick our necks out a little ways.

But the reality is that when we're confronted with a novel situation, we want to make sense of it.

And that really is a God given perspective or a God given quality that is designed into us, that we have curiosity.

The problem is, is once we land on a formula, the curiosity stops.

And so when we watch other people navigate their sorrow, they navigate situations, they navigate relationships.

We think and we watch very closely.

And what we tend to think is because it worked for that person, how did it work?

What did they do, what did they say?

The problem is for most of us is that we don't know what they think.

And we're probably not going to interview them about what were you thinking when you did?

Whatever.

Okay?

But when we see something work, for example, let me give you an example.

In the Christian life, when we see somebody who we think is the model of a quote unquote good Christian, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that word, that phrase.

And it really sets my teeth on edge because we don't define, excuse me, we don't define what good is.

And usually it's not good Christian, it's ideal Christian.

And we're living up to a standard that we can't possibly keep, we can't possibly live into.

And so when we watch somebody like that and it works well for them, they have a Vibrant prayer life.

Or they seem to be able to pray in public really well.

Or their worship is a particular way, maybe very exuberant or maybe very contemplative.

Either way, and we look at that and say, I wonder how did they do that?

And maybe I should emulate them.

Maybe I should do that.

The problem, of course, with emulation is that if I simply emulate the behavior, then sooner or later, excuse me, sooner or later that will break down.

Because I don't have the motivation figured out.

I don't have the why figured out.

And so our tendency is to create a formula for how our spiritual life is supposed to look.

For example, particularly how our relationship with God is supposed to look.

As a matter of fact, it goes even farther than that.

And it becomes.

We write a contract that God doesn't sign.

But if I do this, if I pray this much, if I have a quiet time, this many times, I've got a tickle in my throat, my apologies.

If I do all those things, then God will be close to me and my relationship with him will be intimate.

And the biggest problem with that is, is that the minute we begin to create a formula around a relationship, we destroy the relationship.

And that's what often happens.

So people end up wandering in the wilderness in their spiritual lives thinking that they were doing it all, quote, unquote, right?

And they.

That didn't seem to produce what they thought it would produce.

And then they're stuck.

It's like, where do I go from here?

Or how do I make this any better?

And so when something happens, we think, because it worked for the other person, it should work for me.

And then additionally, we add in, what are the steps to doing it?

And our questions tend to give away what our agendas are.

And sometimes it's not questions.

We just listen for certain things, like how much time do they spend doing a quiet time, whatever that is.

I mean, don't get me started on that one.

Because ultimately, ultimately we end up systematizing a relationship and creating a bunch of rules as to how it should go, abiding by and following those rules.

And then when we get to the end, we wonder why God isn't waiting for us.

Because it was a relationship with rules.

It wasn't a relationship with God himself.

So what are the steps that I can do to do it like them?

And is there a key here to how they did it that I can replicate?

Now, remember, all of the focus entirely is on the outward appearances of it, not the motivations of the heart part of it and so, by thinking in these terms, our tendency is to apply it to pretty much everything in our lives.

And the problem that comes out of it is it doesn't account for the impact of the Holy Spirit in it.

See, as long as things adhere to our ideas, our of how it should go, what the steps are, I repeat them and life goes pretty well.

And if I do those things, then I will feel closer to God.

Now I may for a period of time, but like I said, the motivations leak and before too long they're pretty well gone.

So when it doesn't work, it really doesn't work.

And then we're really caught between a rock and a hard place because we end up getting angry because I did it the way I thought I was supposed to do it, and then it didn't work that way.

And so what gives God?

I did it the way youy told me to, or the way that yout showed me, or whatever other thing we can come up with.

And so unfortunately, we seem prone to not learn from what doesn't work, and we stay with what is comfortable.

And that is the formula and repeating it over and over again.

Unfortunately, if you add.

There are certain formulas, even in chemistry, I think that if you add too much of something, you have an explosion and if you had too little of it, you don't hit the mark and it's not what you hoped it would be.

And so the problem in our spiritual lives is that God doesn't comply with our formulas because there are unwritten contracts on how he should behave in accordance with our behaviors.

And when that doesn't happen, then we're usually really caught.

And so our formulas, even our contracts, are built on how do I control my world, control how people think, control what I do in order to.

There's the then in order to accomplish certain things, God being closer to me, me feeling settled in what my direction is or what my decision might be.

And it just further confirms that we live in an if then universe rather than one that is actually open to the movement of the Holy Spirit in our lives and, and even those around us.

Because if we dispense with the formulas, then we have really a wide open world that is a world to discover rather than one to control.

And the bottom line is our formulas, our formulas, it doesn't really require any trust of God's heart for us.

There's no requirement on that.

As long as I do the formula right, and God does what he's supposed to do, then everything's good, right?

And so that's why I entitled this whole thing formula or faith?

Because faith is built on relationships and trust.

And there's one thing I say over and over and over again, and that is trust and control cannot coexist.

But ultimately, when we're all about if then statements or formulas, we only trust our ability to figure things out and make them happen.

We do not trust what God will do.

And in a lot of cases, when you press real hard, most people think God will force us to do something we don't want to do, which is antithetical to his nature.

I mean, it truly is, if you understand God's character.

It's not about forcing people to do something they don't want to do, but it is about inviting people to do something that they're not sure about or they don't know about, anything like that.

And I think in a lot of ways we have to have that be reflected in our relationships too, is that we invite people into the kind of relationship with us, whatever that might be.

And I think pretty much anybody that might be listening all dozen of you hate being pigeonholed.

We really hate being our voice taken away from us by the voice in somebody else's head.

The problem is that we're doing it with other people as well as they are doing it with us.

So what exactly are we relating to or relating, period?

Because the reality is that where we relate is in our heads, not in the space between us.

Because the space between us is the most dangerous place to be.

Because it requires vulnerability and it requires coming out from behind our stained glass to be seen as we are.

And we don't trust people to accept us as we are because we don't accept us as we are.

And that's ultimately kind of a minor detail, but it is part of it.

And so formulas or trust or formulas or faith are a big part of our journey, I think, even into the land of sorrow, which is what I connect up with, with this particular podcast.

And I'm probably more sensitive to it than most people, you know, because I've written a book about grief, and actually I've written two books about grief, but I'm sensitive to it in our lives and how much depth it brings to our lives by allowing sorrow to exist.

It is no accident that a lot of the, probably a third of the psalms, I may have that a little too elevated.

But even still, many of the psalms are psalms of lament.

As a matter of fact, Jesus dying words on the cross were from one of those.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.

And that's lament.

And so if we're going to be frightened away from going into that place, we are then frightened away from living life in trust and vulnerability.

And we don't like vulnerability.

I don't know anybody who does.

At the same time, it is absolutely necessary for our growth, for our connection, for our sense of belonging.

And if we are revolting at the idea that there is actually this thing called vulnerability, I'm not talking about vulnerability from things that have already happened.

That's not vulnerability.

It is, particularly if I'm sharing something that somebody else may not know.

But vulnerability, the true character.

Vulnerability is what is going on right now, not what has been going on or has happened, and we've had some resolution to it.

That's a story to tell, but that's not vulnerability to share.

And that's a big part, I think, of what we're talking about here is that faith requires trust.

And the reality is, as humans are a very, very, very unreliable bunch who our trust can only be conditional at best.

But even so, with those people that have demonstrated to us that they're safe enough for our vulnerability, it enhances in remarkable ways our connection to them.

And so one of the things I have so many stories from doing groups with students that are part of my grief and loss class, and this semester is no different, because once one person walks out on that limb of vulnerability, there are probably a couple other people that before too long joined them out there on that limb, not to just make sure that they don't feel alone, but more because they are saying with a loud chorus, me too.

And that's a big part, I think, ultimately of building and making community, which ultimately was the vision of sgi, was how can we move from behind our stained glass to be seen and known as we are and invite other people to do the same, not create conditions or not create bargains that if I come out, you'll come out, but go out, because I need it.

I need to be seen.

I need to own myself enough to say what's going on in there.

And in a lot of cases, if I don't say it out loud, I won't own it, and it remains hidden and I remain invulnerable.

And CS Lewis goes so far as to say we become unbreakable.

And so it is a big part of what we say.

If we believe community is an essential part of our relationality in God and with each other, then what are we going to do with vulnerability?

Because in a lot of Cases we talk a good game, myself included.

I'm not throwing any stones at anybody.

But we talk a good game, but we don't act on it because we're afraid.

The bottom line is we're just afraid, not so much of the other people.

There's a fair amount of fear about what other people might think, but a lot of times the fear isn't of them, it's of us.

We're afraid that if I actually say it out loud, then we will have this huge wet, damp.

That's kind of redundant.

But anyway, wet, heavy blanket of shame that gets thrown all over us.

And it's not gets thrown all over us.

We take it on because we're sure that we're worthy of being condemned rather than connected to.

And so when those moments occur and we find the courage to be able to share fully from our hearts which is what courage really means or is one of the definitions of it.

What we find is people more than willing to move into that place with us and offer us the grace that we find a really hard time.

We find ourselves having a really hard time sharing with ourselves.

And so that's true for sorrow.

It's funny how sorrow and our sense of grief tends to sidestep all of our defenses and we can't seem to avoid it.

And it just really does live there and it sometimes even hijacks us.

And that's not all bad.

I mean, a lot of times the only way that it comes out is by being hijacked because we have got things so well buttoned up that that's just the way it's going to be.

And so is it faith or formula?

Formulas are safe.

Formulas are about my control over the world around me and other people and what they think, which I say I don't believe I have.

And.

Or faith.

And that's not just faith in humans.

Like I said, they are terribly unreliable.

But faith in God himself.

That if I live my life this way and live my life trusting the vulnerability with safe people, not just anybody.

That's not what I'm saying.

But trust my life with safe people.

I'll find connection and I will find belonging.

And I might actually learn how to redefine what grace really looks like.

Because right now we've got a incredibly distorted level of understanding about grace in spite of it being central to our faith.

So I think that's it for tonight.

I can't really think of anything else to add.

The question to you is, is it going to be faith or formula?

Tomorrow morning, as you relate to people or even as you relate to God, more importantly.

And that's what this really is all about.

So sgi-net.org that's home for us.

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Join the community.

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And.

And there is a big event coming up here.

Before too long, we're getting really close and I'll tell you more about it when it happens.

But at this point in time, all I can do is tease it.

On the website you'll find a couple books that I wrote.

One grieving the loss of someone you love.

It's been around for 30 years, which is absolutely stunning to me.

And then the other one, the newest one, which came out last January, is called the Seasons of our Grief.

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box 322, Eastlake, Colorado 80614.

And that is it for tonight.

I pray that you have a wonderful week ahead, or if you're listening to this, halfway through the week, the rest of your week, whatever that might be.

And consider.

Consider how often you spend time creating formulas to live life by rather than figuring out that maybe it's a life of faith that I'm searching for and what kind of risks do I need to take in trusting the people that I have that I know are safe?

They made the deposits into me to demonstrate that and begin to test out living vulnerably with vulnerability in the things that are going on right now, not the things that were.

So that's it for tonight.

Thanks for joining me.

Love you later.

Bye.