[00:00:00] In today's takeout therapy episode, you'll finally figure out how to set boundaries that stick. I'll cover why saying no is So dang hard. How guilt keeps you stuck. And simple steps to protect your energy so you can kick life's butt without burning out. Today you can learn about why successful people struggle to say no, how to recognize guilt traps and reframe them really effectively.

And I'll give you a step-by-step guide to setting boundaries that feel less yucky.

Welcome to take out therapy, a quick session to help you learn stress reduction, emotional intelligence skills, and self compassion for more work life balance and inner peace. I'm Rebecca Hunter, a therapist who specializes in helping empathic executives break free from anxiety and overwhelm. If you're ready to stop overthinking, let go of people pleasing and truly thrive, you're in the right place.

[00:01:00] Thanks for listening. Let's get to work.

Well, hello there friend. I'm so glad that you showed up for today's session and I'm hoping it will be helpful for both you and I to continue to practice setting good boundaries because it is going It's crucial for good mental health. So today I'm going to go over why it feels so flipping hard to say no or change our minds.

Uh, P. S. this is boundary setting. We're going to talk about the silly ways that guilt shows up and keeps us completely overcommitted and ~And in the case of many of the people I work with, just full on anxiety. ~I'm going to give you practical steps today to set boundaries that stick without feeling like a bad employee or a partner or parent or friend.

So today we're tackling a huge topic for busy folks with loads of responsibilities. Yep. Boundaries. It's something we know we need, but actually setting and maintaining them can feel [00:02:00] impossible. My intention is that this episode will help. You know, the thing is, is we talk about this in the therapy office all the time.

Here's the deal. I know you're busy. You have a partner, maybe you have some kids, maybe you have parents. I know you have a stressful, demanding job, or a couple stressful, demanding jobs, and possibly even interests of your own. And that boundaries around all of this stuff are really difficult. Because Where you are in life in this very busy, um, chaotic position, you've had to do a lot of hustling and live busy for a while to get here.

So the thing is, is your system's just really comfortable with that. Right? And perhaps you even sometimes just feel responsible for [00:03:00] everything and everyone. You know, sometimes saying no and setting boundaries feels like you're letting people down and that's something that's very common and incredibly uncomfortable.

By the way, you know, I always say this, we have to consider the past as information about what's happening in our present day life, not as an excuse, but as information, like, were you a kid that was made to feel like you needed to please the adults around you? Right? Were you a kid that was praised for doing well?

And so you just learned, like, to take everything on and do well. You know, there's part, there's kids also that have a lot of adult responsibilities in childhood. They're often taking care of the adults around them. So when we grow up again, we want to use the past as information, [00:04:00] not to sit in the past.

and spend time being pissed off about how it was for us, although that's valid and it has a place. But in the process of setting boundaries, we just kind of need to know, um, what comes naturally for us. And I will be very honest with you and say, it comes naturally. For me to want to do it all, it comes naturally.

It's a natural inclination. ~Does that mean that I say no? I mean,~ does that mean that I say yes to everything that comes my way? Oh, no, no, no, no. Because I've been there and I've done that. And it was terrible for my mental health. Right? And so you want to consider the past as information, not as an excuse, because we are often trained to be busy, to say yes, and to struggle with boundaries.

It's based on our past. It's often quite comfortable for us actually, but then one day [00:05:00] we wake up and we look around and we're like, our life, my life is bananas. How am I going to change this? If you're feeling way too busy and you haven't addressed it yet, my friend, this is crucial to get going on.

Because when you're constantly saying yes. to other people, to obligations, to favors, to the roles that you have in your life, then sometimes what that means is you have to say no to yourself. And over time, this will leave you depleted and you won't be able to show up for things that actually really matter to you.

It causes burnout, depression, resentment and yeah, exhaustion and anxiety. Do you know these people? Are you one of these people that works late into the night, right? Because they just want to do More. ~They're not prob,~ they're [00:06:00] probably not thriving right now. And if that's you, hang in there. Of course I'm gonna give you a game plan for starting to set some boundaries because what if you could feel confident and calm when you're like, no, I can't do that.

Right? , I'm not taking on that role. Picture your life. Where your mental energy and your emotional energy goes towards what matters to you underneath all the busyness of life, the really important stuff. This is the power of having healthy boundaries. and it's really achievable with the right tools. I used to have this um, gal in my anxiety intensive, and she did really well ~actually in the, um,~ in the process.

She is a very, Ambitious woman in sales juggling a good, incredibly demanding career, a really busy family life with two kids in [00:07:00] elementary, you know, all the school projects and the, um, recorder practicing and all the fun parts of that. Yeah, she was just drowning. And then we started to unpack her anxiety and we realized that she was just saying yes to everything, every work request, every special project, every important community based ~board~ membership position.

She was like being helpful and she was a part of her community and she wanted to contribute in any way she could. But again, she was anxious. And she was really anxious and exhausted and her poor system was fried. And to be honest, no one really noticed how hard she was charging. Like she wasn't getting any awards.

People weren't like, Oh my God, you do so much. No, they just kept asking for more because she set that tone with people. And when we started working around boundaries, which ~we absolutely,~ you absolutely have to do if you have anxiety, you have to work on your boundaries. Okay. [00:08:00] This gal, she learned to just identify her nose easily and without guilt.

And when she learned how exactly to set boundaries, which is a process, now she's like more present with her family because that's where she wants her energy to go. And she's more pleasant too, because she has the energy left to be patient with little kids and all their hijinks, right? And she also has energy to focus on her career goals.

So, it's just a good example of, it makes me think, like, learning to set boundaries can change your life. It's totally changed mine and it will change yours if you're willing to follow a fairly simple strategy. Here's the deal. You have to identify your non negotiables. Get really clear, my friend, on what's most important to you.

Just write down the top three [00:09:00] things you think I can think of in your life today, right now, right? This is about you, who you are right now, knowing that, yeah, the past trained you to do a bunch of stuff you shouldn't really be doing and probably don't want to be doing. Right. But right now in your life, you get to retrain yourself based on if we, if we stay kind of with our values and our actions based in the past, Oh my friend, we will always stay comfortable because that's how our brain grew.

Right? So if we were the kid who wanted to please others, we'll just keep doing that because that's ~how our,~ what our brain does and what it knows how to do. And if we don't challenge that, we'll just stay the same. And so you have to identify your present day non negotiables. You can already see things falling off, right?

And [00:10:00] what I would say is like, remember that practicing new skills is how we learn new skills. Meaning just start small and when you identify those places where you're like, you know, I could let this go. Just practice saying no. Practice saying, Hey, I changed my mind. I'm not going to be able to make it to that meeting.

I'm going to have one of my people step in for me or practice saying, I can't do it this time. We don't, the thing is, is we don't need to always say yes. Yes. We can actually make way for and encourage others. ~You know,~ that student I had, ~um,~ that I was talking about, she, when she stopped saying yes, she realized like there are parents that really wanted to volunteer.

But because there were so many parents like her that kept saying yes to everything, there wasn't any [00:11:00] room for more new volunteers. Like people couldn't get involved in the way that they wanted to. So you don't always need to say yes, right? It's like you can, you can find a way for someone else. You can encourage actually other people to say yes that want to and step back yourself.

You know, the thing is, is that we're through setting boundaries. If you're a parent or a partner or a leader of some kind, you're actually setting an example for others to help themselves, which if we look at it through the chain of human interaction. Human beings in our life, like it makes a big difference.

People stop saying yes when they want to say no, and so we get to see more authenticity. And people say, well, how do I say no? And I always say, [00:12:00] start with I. I'd love to help, but I can't take anything on right now. It's a really good one in a lot of situations at work. You can say, I would love to do that.

I don't have time this week and I'm going to get some, one of my teammates to do it for me. Or you can be that leader and say, Hey, I'm going to train somebody else to do this. I'm done doing this, right? The thing is, is that people ask you for things because you've trained them that you're the kind of person that says yes.

You're like, yeah, I got that. Yeah, no problem. I can do that pretty easily just because you're good at things and it's easy for you to manage a lot of chaos. But when you take a step back from it, you realize it's actually not that easy. You're just in the, in the mode of doing it. So you've trained [00:13:00] people that you're going to say yes, and they're just going to take a little bit of time to retrain.

So as you get going on using kind, firm language to say, no, thank you. No, I can't. No, I won't. You're going to have to expect a little pushback and pushback is okay because it just means that people are seeing. You're that you're behaving differently and you could just say that's validation. You could be like, you know, you're right.

I am saying no, where I used to say yes, and that is purposeful and intentional. Thank you so much for noticing. Right? People aren't going to love your boundaries, especially people that kind of don't want to step up to the plate. Those people are not going to love your boundaries, but that's okay. Because once you get out of the way, they can learn to step up to the plate.

~Right? ~And it won't happen if you don't set boundaries. Right? And as far [00:14:00] as that sticky, nasty guilt goes, because you know, we set a boundary and then that night in bed, we just toss and turn. We're like, Oh boy, what have I done? That is just cognitive routine. And here's what I'll say. It's really destructive.

You don't need to do that. And it's just self shamery. ~You know,~ so what you want to do when that pops up, because it will, is you just give your mind something to rest on. We call this reframing in therapy. So instead of thinking like, Oh man, I've really screwed up. Why can't I just buck up? I'm letting people down, but, but, but you just change the statement to something that honors yourself to something that like, You're facing yourself, you're in relationship and you're like, okay, it's totally appropriate to set [00:15:00] boundaries.

It's totally okay to say no whenever I want to actually. It's saying a statement such as like, I'm honoring my limits so I can show up fully where I want to, right? If I want to coach my kid's soccer team, like I have to say no to this board position. Or if I want to learn to relax, I have to stop saying no to all these social obligations.

And that's totally appropriate and in my best and highest good. So that's kind of what I would say in terms of just starting to think a little bit differently about boundary setting. Go slow, my friend. It's a practice that we practice. The long term benefits far outweigh the incredibly short term major discomfort.

Because it is really uncomfortable starting to push back, [00:16:00] set boundaries, figure out what's important and just like live in that. But you can handle discomfort, my friend. It will be okay. ~It's like,~ it's really good for your system, actually. That's how we reparent ourself. We create like a rumble. We create a rumble.

We're like, this is, I can't do this anymore and I'm not going to, I'm not going to keep doing living like this for myself. Right? And it's going to be uncomfortable. And that's where healing comes from. People always think healing is pleasant. And what I say is healing is not that pleasant because there's a lot of discomfort first.

We're retraining our brain. And also people have to be retrained in our lives. ~And so. ~So just keep going on that. It will lead to a clear mind and heart and a more peaceful life. Hang tight. And if you get stuck, click the link in the show notes [00:17:00] and I'll help you get going on firmer boundaries, which is an absolutely necessary element of reducing stress, pressure and emotional overwhelm in your very, very life.

Busy life. So hopefully today you got a little nugget of help out of this episode where I taught you a few things about boundaries. ~We do, ~we struggle with boundaries due to responsibility overload. We're just taking on too much and we don't need to be doing that. Guilt is a normal but manageable part of the process.

If you're willing to take good care of yourself first and other people's second, right? And symptoms. Simple, actionable steps can help you set boundaries that stick. It's okay for you to have your own back and reassure yourself. Setting boundaries isn't selfish, just an act of self respect. So when you protect your energy, you're able to give your best to the things that truly matter.

For the record, I'm ready to work with you hand in [00:18:00] hand for 90 days to massively elevate your mental and emotional wellbeing. My program is designed with built in accountability, action oriented one on one sessions and a custom process for growth all while fitting into your busy, busy life. Book a free discovery call now to see if it's a good fit for you.

The link is in the show notes or at takeouttherapy. com.

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While Take Out Therapy is a great educational [00:19:00] resource, always get the level of support that you need for your situation. Head to takeouttherapy. com to get on my mailing list and learn how to work with me. Until next time, take really good care of yourself, friend. ~ ~I'll see you soon.