Like, okay, I need to sacrifice myself right now

because he's going through a hard time, so I'm just going to

shape shift and sacrifice, and I'm going to be there over

function, and I'm going to be his therapist, and I'm going to

be his mom, and I'm going to be his everything, because he can't

do laundry now and he can't cook dinner now, and he can't do this

and he can't do that, so I'm going to do everything to make

him feel better. But what that actually does is it enables the

pattern, and it enables him to stay stuck. So that's the irony

of our patterns. Your saboteur, 100% of the time thinks she's

solving something, but 100% of the time she's actually creating

the very thing that she's trying to solve. She thinks she's she

thinks she's fixing it, but she's actually creating it.

Because you're not seeing this person in their sovereignty,

right? If you're not coming from that anchored, solid, whole

place inside of yourself where you're only responsible for you

and you're taking the deepest, most impeccable care of you, so

you can be a better partner and a better human in the world. If

you're not in that place, you're going to get hooked into

rescuing them, thinking that's helping them, but that's not

helping them. That's hurting them, and more importantly, it's

hurting you.

Hello, beautiful. Welcome back to the new truth podcast. Kate

here. Hope you're having a great summer wherever in the world you

are, or maybe it's winter where you are, because either you're

listening to this six months later or you're in the southern

hemisphere, but I hope you're having a beautiful time wherever

you are, even amidst all the world chaos right now. Don't

spend your time talking about it. Me and Mariana have a mantra

that we say to each other. I think I've said it on the

podcast before. I'm having her on really soon. My my love of my

life, Mariana, I talk about her a lot. She's been on the podcast

a few times, but one of our favorite mantras is, Don't take

the bait. Don't take the bait. There's endless bait out there

to take, to stress about, to worry about, to focus on. And,

you know, the best gift we can give the world is to be a an

aligned human that's walking through it, that's actually

present and connected and, you know, happy and and on purpose,

and making an impact and giving from a place of overflow and

able to like, serve the world in all the ways, from your heart,

not from your fear. So I guess that's where I'm starting. I

didn't plan on saying, Well, I don't really plan anything. So

here we are. But I just wanted to say too, if you have anything

going on in your relationships, in your life right now that you

want me to talk about, send me a message and let me know. Hey,

I'd love to hear an episode on this or on that, because there's

obviously endless perspectives to take, endless things to

unpack here every week. So but today we are going to dive into

how to not lose yourself in relationship, especially when

your partner is struggling. And so there was someone actually in

the Facebook group. I apologize for my absence in the Facebook

group. If you want to ask about episodes in the Facebook group

or request episodes, I will be more present. Just tag me,

because I'm not really on social media very much. So Catherine

was on there a whole lot more than me. But I went in there

today. It's been a very long time, and I saw a really

beautiful question someone was asking, when your partner's

going through job loss or loss in their life, or mental health

issues or their own stuff? How do you not take it on? So that's

what inspired this message, and I wanted to expand it to how to

not lose ourselves in relationship, because that is

the case for so many women. Yeah, oh my gosh. I just have so

much to say about that. But I think if we go back to where,

where, like, the Institute of marriage and relationship came

from, it used to be a business arrangement. And I think about

it, it's like, really, this idea that men would women would just

serve men. So men could go out and do things in the world

right? Men could go out and fight for a war. Men could go

out and not that that was a pleasant thing for them to do,

but men could go out and provide for the family. Men could could

go and do their thing, and women would stay home and take care of

everything for them. So sounds really romantic. Sign me up? No,

I'm just kidding, but it's true, right? It used to be a business

arrangement, and having a family was like a business, and it

still is. And yet in the modern world, we also have plastered

all over the relationship like, your man has to be your Prince

Charming. He has to be the one. He has to be super romantic. He

has to make you feel beautiful and make you feel special. And

he has to be, you know, conscious now, and he has to be

a Superior Man. And blah, blah, blah. And it goes on and on and

on. And we essentially in the old paradigm of relationship,

whether it's the, you know, spiritually conscious version or

or not, the fairy tale relationship of being rescued by

love, by a relationship, we essentially make our partners

God, and then what happens? We become like a servant to them, a

servant to God, inside of the relational dynamic. So the old

paradigm is so co dependent, right? It's our. Our nervous

system and our emotional stability is dependent on what's

happening inside our relationship, what our partners

bringing or not bringing to the table. And there's so much

effect that we have when we're in these co dependent,

structured relationships. So even you know the idea that we

when you're in a relationship, you need to rush towards living

together and sharing a space and sharing a bed every single night

of your life, and sharing dinner every night if you have normal

nine to five jobs, and how much time do you spend with your

partner sharing weekends together? I find most women fall

on one side or the other. They either spend no time with their

partner because they're so independent and their partner's

so independent, but they don't have a lot of intimacy between

them, or they spend too much time together, and that where

it's just like you go to work all day, and then you're home

and your partner's there, and you're just together all the

time. So that type of relationship is really

suffocating to the soul, because, of course, we need

intimacy, we need love. We need connection. We need

relationships. And relationships are so important. I believe

they're one of the greatest opportunities to grow. And if we

aren't rooted in ourselves, and we aren't able to see the

relationship through the new paradigm lens, which is, let the

relationship surprise you let the relationship unfold, but

don't, don't let it become everything, right? The old

paradigm is like, my relationship is everything.

People speak in the we, when you get like that, talk about

codependency, when you speak in the we, like, oh, we would love

to do that. Oh, we had a great time. We, we, we, we, that would

actually be the first place to look it's like, are you still an

individual inside of your relationship? Right? Do you do?

Is your partner an individual inside of your relationship? And

I've unpacked so many relationships over the years of

working with women, especially the last 10 years, I've been

coaching, as you know, for like, gosh, almost 20 years. But I

started as a business coach, and now I'm obviously helping women

with their relationship with themselves, but I've unpacked

many, many, many relational dynamics with my clients over

the years, and what I noticed after the first few years of

doing it, that in every single relational dynamic, and when I

say dynamic, I'm talking about like the patterns that are

Playing out inside of the relationship in every relational

dynamic, one person is the adult, mom or dad, and the other

person is the Wounded Child, child or teenager, and that's

how they fit together. And this might in your relationship. This

might change you might have in different areas of the

relationship. For example, your your partner might be dad when

it comes to money, and you might be the little girl that doesn't

know how to do money, or maybe the I've heard a lot of recent

stories of the other way around, where you're the sovereign and

independent woman who makes all the money, but your partner's

the teenage boy who it just does whatever he wants and doesn't

care, doesn't have a job and doesn't care, doesn't have

purpose. There. That is the, an example of the dynamic that

plays out. And then you might have emotionally the woman's

like the mom and the the the I was gonna say, Son, yeah, the

man is the son. The man is the child, right? The child that

that can't quite express how he feels, or that needs to be

coddled, or whatever the thing might be. So you the first place

you want to look is, what role are you playing inside of this

relationship, right? Are you mom? Are you dad? Are you

teenager? Are you child? Because all relationship relational

dynamics have that playing out. And if you are coming from that

place in your relationship, you you cannot have intimacy from

that place. No wonder people stop having sex with each other,

right? Because usually what happens because of the old

paradigm, because of the fairy tale story that, oh, you're just

going to have love one day, and it's just going to answer all

your prayers and it's going to sweep you off your feet, and

it's going to make you feel happy for the rest of your life,

and you're just going to sign a contract, and then you have that

thing, and it's complete. I've talked about this recently in an

episode that makes you complacent, right? So most

people think, okay, my relationship's good. And then

our patterns creep in. Usually, our patterns creep in right at

the beginning, if you especially if you do not know your

patterns, and you're not rooted in your sovereignty. Most

people's patterns probably kick in before that, but they really

set in when we get to that place of complacency, where we just

start to play roles inside of the relationship, instead of

really stay rooted in who I am and let every day be new. So you

want to first look at what what am I bringing to the table? What

is my pattern? Right? If I'm in a relational dynamic where I'm

my pattern is to,

I mean, even choose partners who are fixer uppers. Maybe your

partner is going through a hard time right now, or maybe they're

always going through a hard time. And are you actually

paying attention? Right? Did you choose someone who needed

rescuing, and that was the foundation in which you started

your relationship, versus you going through a hard time where

your partner suddenly lost a loved one or there, and I've

heard this so much, where and then they change because they're

going through deep grief and deep pain. That might have been

the case, but really look at where, where did this relational

dynamic start? Because sovereignty is essential on both

ends, right? And the more rooted you are in your sovereignty, the

more you will actually attract people who are also rooted in

theirs, people who don't expect you to rescue them or don't want

you to take on their pain, people that know how to handle

their own pain and what to do with it, and that have their own

support system outside of you, because even if you are married

to this person, you are not responsible for their feelings.

You are not responsible for their pain. That doesn't mean

that you can't be really loving and really supportive when

they've got something harsh going on. And guess what? The

more rooted in your own sovereignty and in your own

heart frequency you are and in your own like, the more you come

from that place where you're filled up within yourself and

you're still honoring and loving yourself, the more likely

there's going to be a shift for them, right? So your saboteur

pattern, your saboteur thinks, Okay, I need to sacrifice myself

right now because he's going through a hard time, so I'm just

going to shape shift and sacrifice, and I'm going to be

there over function, and I'm going to be his therapist, and

I'm going to be his mom, and I'm going to be his everything,

because he can't do laundry now and he can't cook dinner now,

and he can't do this, and he can't do that, so I'm going to

do everything to make him feel better. But what that actually

does is it enables the pattern, and it enables him to stay

stuck. So that's the irony of our patterns. Your saboteur 100%

of the time thinks she's solving something, but 100% of the time

she's actually creating the very thing that she's trying to

solve. She thinks she's she thinks she's fixing it, but

she's actually creating it because you're not seeing this

person in their sovereignty, right? If you're not coming from

that anchored, solid, whole place inside of yourself where

you're only responsible for you and you're taking the deepest,

most impeccable care of you, so you can be a better partner and

a better human in the world. If you're not in that place, you're

going to get hooked into rescuing them, thinking that's

helping them, but that's not helping them. That's hurting

them, and, more importantly, it's hurting you. So this is the

thing about relationship, I said in the episode, if you heard it

a couple of weeks ago, where I was talking about fantasy love

or real love. I was talking about this, and what I just

mentioned, the complacency of relationships once we just think

it's a done deal, and how we see our partners as who they've

been, and we see ourselves as who we've been, that is the most

harmful thing you could do to yourself, and literally,

everyone's doing it. I can't even tell you how many times a

day I hear, Oh, it's just who I am. Oh, yeah, this is who I am.

This is who I am. Oh, it's my anxious attachment style. It's

just who I am. No, it's not. That's not who you are. That's

who you learned how to be to protect yourself when you're a

child. You are on this journey now of learning how to come home

to the sovereign woman inside of you and become the heroine of

your own life and your own story. Because that is not who

you are. You are not the perfectionist, you are not the

shape shifter, you are not the self sacrifice, or you're not

the people pleaser. That's who you learn to be for survival as

a child. And now you're still being that, right, and you're

thinking, you're believing, on some level, it's who you are,

and it's what's going to keep you safe, and it's what's going

to solve the problems, but it's actually not solving anything.

It's creating the problems. It's keeping you trapped in

relationships that feel unsatiating to your soul,

relationships that feel siphoning and exhausting

depleting. You get to have love that meets you where you are. So

where are you in yourself? It's easy to look at your partner and

be like, well, he's struggling, and I keep getting swept into

it. Well, if you keep getting swept into it, my love, you're

struggling too, right? Because your that means your pattern

currently has more strength, or has more gravitas, I'll say,

than your heroine, than your sovereignty, right? It means

that that part of you is leading and in any given moment, and

whether you've been on a on a heroin journey with me or not, I

mean, I'd say everyone listening to this podcast is on some sort

of a heroin journey with me. But whether you've worked with me or

not, you have inside of you at any given moment a little

wounded girl who has her little sidekick, your saboteur

protector, that's actually her hurt. She's hurting her, right?

She's, in some cases, her abuser. Because, like, think

about the thoughts you have about yourself internally. Would

you if if someone talked to you like that out loud? Would you

call it emotional abuse? So some saboteurs are even a.

Emotionally abusive, and I don't say that to make them wrong and

bad. They think they're doing an important job, and we needed

them when we were young. So I always say when I'm working with

women that you want to build a loving relationship with that

part of you. You just don't want to let her lead your life,

right? So let's look at what patterns are playing out in your

relationship that are keeping you stuck in the other person's

world, and whether it's a painful world that you're stuck

in or a pleasurable world, like fantasy love, where you're

getting like, you're getting into the world and all of a

sudden, you're doing all these things that you didn't do

before, but like, do you actually enjoy them? Is it

really aligned with your body? Does it feel good for you? Are

you just doing these things because you want to be the girl

that's a match for that guy, right? So you want to look at

what are your patterns. We talk we've talked so many times about

the saboteur archetypes. Are you in fantasy? Are you in fantasy

about the idea of this relationship and this person

rather than actually listening to your compass. How do you feel

when you're around them? How do you feel in your body? Your body

knows, your body will tell you over and over and over again.

But if you're just swept by the idea of this person, if you're

swept by the idea of love, if you're so concerned about the

timeline or what your life looks like, or you don't want to be

single, so you're just staying in a relationship, or you're

terrified of hurting them, or you're like, then you're in the

fantasy addict, right? The Self sacrificer is the one who's

sacrificing herself and her own life to try and save the other

person, the rescuer, the people pleaser, the one who who just

goes along with things, who gets sucked into someone else's

emotional world. And I would say that's a little bit of shape

shifter, too. If you take on other people's emotions, we call

it empathy, or not empathy the empath, right? If you're an

empath, you and you're highly sensitive, you can feel other

people's feelings, but what's your relationship with your

feelings? Right? Often empaths use that as an excuse too. It's

like, oh, I'm an empath, so I just feel horrible all the time.

Well, are you going into your body and are you releasing your

feelings? Are you moving the feelings? Do you have a

relationship with your feelings? Are you just feeding the story?

The Shape Shifter is the one who becomes something else. So if

you lose yourself in relationship, most likely it's

the shape shifter and the self sacrificer, because she becomes

something else to be liked and approved of. And this happens a

lot in the beginning. I'd say almost everyone shape shifts in

the beginning. There's some version, unless you're like, one

of those really stubborn controller women who's like,

I'll be who I am, and I'm gonna push you away by being so

intense, not not that you know that I'm saying, if it's coming

from the pattern you, you are more than welcome to push people

away when you're being all of who you are and they don't like

you, they don't like that. That's okay too, but, but shape

shifting is so common in the beginning, right? Because what

what we're taught to, like, woo the person and win them over. So

we're taught to just show all the good things, or, like, even

fake things so that this person chooses you, right? So if you

feel like you lost yourself in relationship, I'm pretty sure

you lost yourself earlier on, and I've said this before, but I

would say if you lose yourself in relationship, you never had

yourself to begin with, because when you're sovereign, you're

solid in yourself, you don't I don't get swept away and lose

myself in other people's worlds now at this point in my journey,

and if you do that's okay, it just means that pattern is still

playing out for you. So the shape shifter is one the

isolator that is probably also playing out and losing yourself.

Because if you're not sharing your own feelings, and you're

not tending to your own feelings, and you're not

expressing your own feelings and being supported in your

feelings, probably you're just swept it by their world. And

then the controller is the one who's trying to control the

relationship. Keep it together. Hold like holding on to the

banks of the river, rather than just letting the boat take you

or letting the the river carry you. So the I mean, there's so

much more to each one. And I always link the saboteur mini

course, discover your saboteur before, but below, if you want

to learn more about it, but you really want to take a hard look

at what are your patterns? What role are you playing inside of

this dynamic, right? Which parent are you playing? Are you

the child? And just know. So circling back to what I said

about these two parts, you have that wounded little girl in your

saboteur sidekick, and then you also have that sovereign woman

that you can re you can connect with and come from in any given

moment, right? The Sovereign woman is the one who's really

clear, who's like, oh, this actually doesn't feel aligned.

This. We've been in the same pattern over and over and over

again, and this is just a no for me. When I close my eyes and

feel into my heart, you want to know what your standards are.

You want to know what your non negotiables are, so you can

actually feel in your heart if it feels aligned like. For me,

you know, obviously changes happen. People go through

transition, but I need to be in a relationship with someone who,

who's on purpose, who cares about what they're doing in the

world, who he's making an impact. Now, my last partner was

a football is a football coach, and he is so in love with what

he does, football like soccer. For those of you that are from

North America, he's a football coach, and he absolutely is

obsessed with what he does. He's always studying, he's always

researching, he's always growing, he's always getting

better. He just got hired by an even better team in Athens this

year, and which is really exciting. And he is so

passionate about what he does that matters to me. And really,

what this is about is not about me being like, Okay, what is

that guy good enough for me? Or am I good enough for them? We're

not looking outside of ourselves to see when you're home and

you're anchored in your sovereignty. Relationship is a

match to who you are. It's a match. So I attracted him

because I am that right. I'm driven. I'm and not driven in a

like, masculine, ambitious, like, I want to be successful

way. I'm I'm deeply inspired by what I do. I love my work in the

world. He's the same. I attracted that because I am,

that he's also incredibly healthy. I attracted that

because I'm am, that he takes care of his body. He doesn't

drink very much alcohol. He exercises every day. He cares

about what he eats. He's super devoted to his health. He's also

emotionally intelligent. So all of these things that I attracted

in that relationship were because I am that. So in your

relationship, when you start to identify what patterns you're

bringing to the table, and then you start to identify, what are

your standards, what are your non negotiables and and how am I

not embodying those?

Because if you're not embodying those, you're not going to

attract it. Because even if someone you know, your partner,

is going through a hard time, if they are sovereign, they will do

everything they can to heal, to grow, to get support, to evolve

beyond this and use this as a catalyst. If you're in a

relationship with someone who's just struggling all the time,

and they're not they're not motivated, they're not driven,

and they're just going down, they're pro they might not be a

match for who you are in the world. So that's also something

to look at, but we can't really know, and I think that you're in

such a such a more powerful place, inside of the

relationship, inside of your decisions about the

relationship, when you know you're bringing all of you to

the table, and not your patterns. So start to look at,

where am I shape shifting? Where am I sacrificing? Where am I

trying to rescue him? Okay, if I'm rescuing him. I'm like,

trying to save the saboteur that's not, not actually

savable, and the Wounded Little child. I'm trying to save his

wounded little child, meanwhile abandoning my own in those

moments, right? So I have to know that, that I can't actually

save him, because then I'm operating for my Wounded Child,

right? If I'm in my pattern and I'm trying to rescue someone

from their pattern, I'm in Wounded Child. So I just think,

imagine, actually there's at the immersion. Every time some women

ask me, like Kate, you hear so many crazy, traumatic stories

from your clients, and like, so much deep stuff comes up at the

immersion, how do you not fall apart? Like, how do you not take

that on? And I'm like, can you imagine you came to the

immersion to awaken all of who you are and to heal that Wounded

Little Girl and to learn how to love yourself in a new way. And

every time you shared a story, I fell apart. Every time you

shared something hard, you went through, I fell apart. Can you

imagine? I mean, okay, maybe the little girl would be like, Well,

that's nice. You care because you're crying and you're but

like, I wouldn't actually be able to help anyone, right? If

I'm not standing in my own sovereignty, I can't help

anyone. I can't actually guide you back home to who you are. If

I'm it's this is sympathy versus empathy. If I'm jumping in the

pit with you, that's sympathy. Now we're both in the pit. What

are we going to do from there? So if you're doing that with

your partner, you can't actually help them from that place. But

if you're sitting in the seat of sovereignty, and you're taking

full responsibility for yourself, and you're loving up

your Wounded Little girl, when she arises about your partner,

and you you heal her, and you love her, and you talk to her,

and you sit with her, and you be with her, and you let her feel.

And then you come back to that, that solid place inside of

yourself, and focus on you and your world, and you keep doing

the things to feed your own soul so you stay expanded now you can

help so much more so the immersion, for example, every

single morning, I'm up at 5am and I'm meditating and I'm

moving and I'm dancing and I'm writing. Sometimes I write

poetry. Sometimes I write raps, and it's like just whatever

comes out, and then sometimes I read. Them in the session.

Sometimes a brand new segment comes through that wasn't even

there before, because I'm so plugged in to the My Divinity

and that channel, the new stuff comes through for every group,

because I'm taking all that time for myself in the morning, and

that's how I start the day, right? If something was intense

the day before, I get to move through it when I do those

practices in the morning, and I'll do it before bed too if

needed, but that's how I have the capacity. And those of you

who haven't been to the immersion Don't, don't know how

intense it is, but it's, it's, it's an intense experience

because we're breaking through lifetimes of conditioning and

and limitation and chains that are invisible, prison cell

prison walls and chains that bind you and keep you in your

small self. So it is an intense experience in the most

beautiful, playful, magical, emotional, wild way. It's so

beautiful, but it's a lot. So thank goodness I know how to

plug into my sovereignty, and I live from that place, and you

can too. So I just gave you a little bit of a clue by painting

the picture of my mornings. So if you are losing yourself in

relationships, that means you don't really have yourself, you

don't you don't really have your own back. You're not really

solid in yourself yet, and that's okay. It's a journey,

right? It took me a long time to get here. I'm I'm, I live from

this place most of the time, and I have all the tools and

awareness and practices when I am in contraction and when my

small self arises I am I know how to tend to her, right? I

know how to move through that so you get to too. And again, it's

a practice. That's why I say it's not work, but it's a

practice. If you pick up a musical instrument and you've

never played it before. You're good. It's going to be really

hard in the beginning, and it's gonna be hard to commit to

practicing. It's gonna be hard to read the music at first.

There's gonna be a part of you that doesn't believe in you,

that doesn't believe it's possible. That's your saboteur,

because your sabotage like, no, no, don't try something new.

You're gonna be bad at this. What if you're bad? What if you

fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if? What if? What

if? What if? That part's always going to be there. And your job

is to keep coming back to the practice and say, You know what?

Something about this feels really good my body, even though

I suck at it, even though I'm terrible when I listen to a

French horn, something happens in my body, and I need to

explore that. I need to trust that. And the practice your

french horn every single day for the next 20 years, and you will

be a masterful French horn player. Perhaps you will be in a

symphony somewhere in magical in the world, at the Sydney Opera

House. Let's say so that is what's available to you when

you're devoted. So the first thing is, identify your

patterns, identify what role you're playing, mommy, daddy,

rescuer. I mean, mommy's the rescuer, daddy, Daddy's the

provider. Like, what role are you playing? Are you the

teenager? Are you the baby, the little girl, and and then step

two is, is, is really developing and growing your sovereignty,

rooting into your sovereignty, and rooting into the the

agreement with yourself that I choose to no longer have co

dependent relationships. I choose because if I'm sovereign,

I'm not going to make my partner responsible for my pain, and I'm

not going to make myself responsible for his pain. I'm

also not going to make him and I say him or her, whoever I'm also

or they, whatever. I'm not going to make him responsible for my

pleasure either, and I'm not going to make myself responsible

for his pleasure, right? If you're just self, if you're just

pleasuring him because you think you're supposed to, versus being

in your own pleasure and then desiring it very different. So

sovereignty means I am responsible for everything

that's happening inside of me, and that's where I keep my

attention, and that's where my relationship is. And when my

saboteur shows up and the patterns want to take over, I

use that as an indicator that I get to go deeper into myself,

like cool. My saboteur is loud. It's a portal. Now I can do sit

with her. Have plan a little date night. Let, like, light

some candles, put up some music. Create an experience for

yourself. Do some reflecting. What does my saboteur have to

say? Oh, I feel responsible for him. Like, what if something bad

happens? Only, like, he can't handle his feelings? Blah, blah,

blah, story, story, story, story. Okay, then close your

eyes. Put your hands on your heart. What am I feeling

underneath? What's a little girl feeling or believing? I'm

feeling responsible for them. I'm feeling

and maybe if you feel responsible for your partner in

relationship, you could also look at, did I have to be

responsible for my parents or for my siblings when I actually

wasn't? That wasn't my job as a child, right? Children are

supposed to be children, but many, many, many, many, many,

many, many children, because parents, God, it's not an easy

feat being a parent. And you know, all the things our parents

went through and they were going through and trying to, trying

to, to do, trying to do, while trying to raise children and

have jobs and have traumas and have so much stuff like. Just

humans are have so much going on. So parenting is one of the

biggest, hardest I'd say it's the biggest, hardest job in the

world. And hats off to all those mamas out there. But so if you

if your parents, you know, if you were the one who was made

responsible as a child for your mom's feelings or for your dad

or for your siblings, because your parents were too busy to

take care of your siblings, so that was on you. This is

probably why you lose yourself in relationship, and why you

take on other people's stuff. So that's something to reflect on

too, not to blame your parents, but to look as it like a

detective. This is what I do when I'm working with women. We

start to understand the pattern like, Hmm, where did this come

from? And we're looking at it through the lens of a detective,

not blaming anyone, not shaming anyone, not it really, because

it allows you to actually make new choices, right? It was their

responsibility when you were a kid, but your parents didn't

know what they didn't know, and they were doing their best, but

now you know what they didn't know, so now it's not their

responsibility, even though a lot of adults would like to get

it from their parents, still, but it's yours. It's actually

your responsibility to take care of that little part of you,

right? It's your responsibility to listen to your heart. It's

your responsibility to clean up your side of the street. So make

a choice to yourself that you are going to live from

sovereignty. You're going to take responsibility for your

feelings if you don't know how work with me, work with someone

like me, start to get a support system around you so you can

learn how to be in an empowered relationship inside of yourself.

It is a practice, and like I said, it's a lifelong journey,

but it does get easier as you go, because you know how to

navigate the challenges that life brings. So when you come

from that place and you're solid in yourself, and you clean up

codependency, right? You clean up giving up that girls weekend

because your partner is going through a hard time. You going

on the girls weekend is you filling your own cup, which is

actually the third thing I was going to suggest. The third step

is fill your own cup. Keep pouring into your own cup. So

you giving up going on that girls weekend or going on that

retreat you've always wanted to go to because you're afraid of

your your kids can't handle you being away from them, or your

partner is is going to be upset if you leave for that long. If

you have that's codependency, right? If there's something on

your heart that you are like, I have to do this. This is a yes

or it feels so alive, but you're you've been siphoning that.

That's what you have to clean up, right? Clean up all the

places in which you're sacrificing yourself for the

other person, knowing it's not helping either of you. The only

thing that actually is giving your relationship energy and the

the the only thing that's going to actually help your

relationship shift, if it's meant to, is you being sovereign

and you filling your own cup, and you coming from that place

of wholeness and fullness, so that when you come to your

partner, you actually have capacity to Hear them, and you

can love them and hold space for them without taking it on,

because their feelings aren't yours. And the more you can do

that, the more you also teach them that they can just have

feelings without having to take themselves out, or they can have

feelings without having to get stuck in the story. Like if

you're if you're helping yourself not get stuck in the

story, why don't you do that with your partner? Sit with

them, listen to them, hear them, let them vent, and call it event

session, and then say, you know I hear you. Thank you so much

for sharing. I understand why that would feel frustrating. I

understand how scary it feels right now to not have a job. And

I also see the man that you are. I know the man that you are, and

I see what's possible for you, and I know that something

amazing is coming and that this is all divine, like, share your

perspectives like that, where you're actually holding them,

your partner to their highest you're seeing them in their

sovereignty. You're seeing them in their heroin or hero, as

opposed to seeing the Wounded Child and be like, Oh, you're

wounded. I'm gonna get wounded and small too, because, like,

that's not going to help anyone. If you jump in the pit, who's

going to save you, that's not going to help anyone, right? So

sovereignty, identifying your patterns, coming back to your

sovereignty, and starting to untether from all of the CO

dependency, all the places in which you give up you for other

people. And if it's happening in your romantic relationship,

definitely, it's happening many other places. So look everywhere

for codependency, and then keep pouring into you. Keep exploring

that which lights you up. Your body will tell you what

resonates. And every time you feel a body, yes, just know your

saboteur is going to be right behind you being like, no, no,

don't do that thing because it feels like a yes and yeses are

bad. Your saboteur believes yeses are bad because, you know,

expansion was once upon a time, not the thing that we were shut

down from. So let yourself, like, really listen to those

yeses and do things that are nourishing and nurturing to your

own heart. So that you you're a more solid everything in the

world, but you will be a much better partner when you're

coming from this place. And if you're not in a relationship,

this is the time. I mean, you can do it when you're in a

relationship too, but definitely when you're not in a

relationship, use this time to build a solid relationship with

you. There is nothing more important than that, and then

you were set up to have solid relationships in every facet of

your life, and also a much more magical life. Trust me, your

life's gonna get a lot better when you have a solid

relationship within and you're coming and making choices from

that sovereignty and from that heart centered place, it's gonna

get a lot better, and so will your relationship. So I'll

circle back to the parent child thing, that that dynamic that

plays out in relationship is not sexy nobody. That's why we then

have fantasies about other people or like leaving our

relationship or running. But if you clean up your side of the

street there, it's way more likely, because that pattern

can't exist if you're not participating in it. So if

you're currently playing the role of your partner's mother,

and you stop playing his mother, he has to become empowered to do

things himself. Right? He cannot be in that teenage place for

very long, because either nothing will get done, He'll

starve, like if you're not making him food, or whatever the

role is that you're playing, he'll have to figure it out

himself, or you'll get clear that this relationship is not

aligned, like, hey, if I'm not playing this pattern and he's

still not showing up for himself, perhaps it's not a

match for who I am and who I'm becoming. Because your

relationship has to match who you are, right? If you are

coming down to save someone that's not matching who you are,

you are vibrating and and I mean, it's matching your

pattern, but it's not matching who you really are. So the more

you you build that loving relationship within, the more

you vibrate at a higher frequency, and then you become

aligned for relationships that are matched to that, and not

just romantic relationships. All your relationships will be a

match to who you've become when you become her, rather than

thinking, Okay, no, I need a man that's more like this. I need a

I need friends that are more like this. And you look out

there and what needs to change out there, change it inside,

become what you need, become her, and then everything that

you desire to experience will, will, will manifest and will be

attracted to you because it's coming from that sovereign place

inside and you are it your life is a reflection of who you are

and where you're coming from within yourself. So if you're

struggling in your relationship, look in the mirror. It's all a

reflection of where you're coming from in you. That's why

it hurts. It doesn't hurt because of what's going on over

there. It hurts because of who you become in when you're around

someone who's going through a hard time, or when you're around

someone that doesn't feel aligned. So come home like every

episode That's it, keep pouring into you. My loves keep pouring

into you. So hopefully that was helpful, and I would love to

hear from you. Let me know, what else you want me to talk about?

What? What? What kind of episodes you want to hear,

conversations you want me to have, and as always, spread this

episode to all the women you know need to hear it. And I'm

sending you all the love in the world for your journey, and I'll

see you next week.