In today's episode, we'll explore what we really need to keep us from being a stressed out mess this holiday season.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids and spark collective change.

I'm Heather Hester.

Let's get started.

Started.

By the end of this episode, you will understand why traditional self care often leaves you more exhausted and what your nervous system actually needs.

Instead, you'll learn a simple science backed breath practice that calms stress in under a minute, no meditation skills required.

And you'll walk away with a real life rhythm for rest.

Something that you can use even in the busiest weeks of the holiday season and stick around until the end for the unlearn, where we will shift rest from something you earn to something you're worthy of by simply being human.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester.

As we enter the last stretch of the year with the swirl of gatherings, logistics, emotions, expectations, I want to offer you something grounding.

A pause, a recalibration.

Because the truth is, most of us don't actually need more self care activities.

We need a different relationship with ourselves.

One that honors limits, one that listens to the body, one that makes space for breath and softness and truth.

Today we're returning to what self care was always meant to be, the art of coming home to yourself.

Self care has become another kind of performance.

We buy the candle, the journal, the bath salts, the skincare regimen.

We follow the wellness guru.

We check all of the boxes.

And yet somehow we're still so deeply tired, still stretched, still overwhelmed.

Why?

Because self care isn't about adding more things to your life.

It's about honoring the limits of the life you already have.

Real self care is not glamorous.

It's saying no.

Choosing an early bedtime, letting the dishes wait, asking for help, and breathing when your body says take a pause.

It's not about achieving a perfect state.

It's about noticing when you are at capacity and responding to yourself with kindness instead of pushing harder.

According to Dr. Christina Maslach's research on burnout, stress becomes toxic the moment we lose agency, the sense or understanding that we have choices.

We can choose to slow down, step back, or rest.

When we ignore our limits, we don't power through.

We actually disconnect from ourselves.

I know many of us picked up that mentality from childhood and I am here to give you permission to stop, to Let it go.

There's no big shiny award or recognition ceremony for you running yourself into the ground.

And here's another layer.

When we consistently ignore our limits, we lose touch with the type of rest our body actually needs.

Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith identifies seven types of rest that we need.

Physical, mental, emotional, sensory, creative, social, and spiritual.

If you keep replenishing the wrong kind, in other words, taking a nap when what you need is emotional rest or Scrolling TikTok when you actually need sensory rest, you stay depleted.

Your body is asking for a very specific kind of care, and it's time to start listening.

So maybe you don't need more time.

Maybe you need less pretending, less striving, less I'm fine and more truth, more breath, and more softness with yourselves.

So why is self care so important this time of year?

Well, there's a reason this season feels heavier than the rest of the year, and it's not because you're doing it wrong.

It's because your nervous system is carrying more.

Here's what is actually happening beneath the surface.

First of all, your emotional load increases.

The holidays amplify, and everything from family dynamics to grief to nostalgia, expectations, social roles, financial pressure, holiday performance pressure.

Your brain is processing more emotional stimuli than usual.

That drains energy, even if nothing quote, unquote big is happening.

Second thing is, sensory overload is real.

Holiday seasons can test every single sense.

The lights, crowds, smells, gatherings, noise, travel schedules.

Your sensory system works overtime, which can trigger irritability, exhaustion, or shutdown.

Especially for our LGBTQ youth or neurodivergent kids.

Three shorter days affect your chemistry.

Less sunlight means less serotonin and vitamin D, more melatonin and shifts in your circadian rhythm.

Your body naturally wants more quiet and more rest, not more hustle.

Self care in winter isn't indulgence.

It's literally a biological need.

For you're holding everyone else's experience and expectations.

Parents and caregivers carry their kids emotional needs, extended family expectations, holiday logistics, invisible labor, and the desire to make it magical.

This load often doubles for parents of LGBTQ teens or young adults who are anticipating complicated gatherings, misgendering or awkward questions.

Your nervous system is absorbing your stress and theirs.

5.

You lose your natural pauses.

This is a huge one for me, and I bet it is for you too.

From November to New Year's, life becomes this nonstop conveyor belt of events, decisions, coordination, and emotional management, all of which are a disruption to your usual routine.

The other 10 months of the year, when the natural pauses disappear, your body goes into survival mode.

And 6 the world rewards hustle, not humanity.

We are taught to push through because it's just a busy season.

But seasons impact bodies.

Your body is designed for ebb and flow, not constant output.

Which means this time of year requires more grace, more rest, more intentional softness, not more effort.

So why does this matter for our LGBTQ kids in particular?

Well, your energy sets the tone of the house.

When you regulate, they co regulate.

When you rest, they feel permission to rest.

When you soften, they feel safer.

In seasons where identity stress, family gatherings and emotional overwhelm spike, your self care becomes a form of allyship.

When you honor your limits, you create a home where it is safe for your child to be human too.

Self care isn't selfish, it's strategic.

It's how you create the emotional footing that allows your family to feel steady, safe and held.

So here are the practical insights.

The Everyday Self Care Reset this is where we make self care simple, doable and human.

So one first, you're going to notice your rhythm.

Are you in motion, depletion or recovery?

Ask yourself throughout the day, where am I right now?

If you're in motion, insert micropauses.

Breathe between tasks, stop before you switch roles.

If you're in depletion, add warmth, longer exhales, a 20 minute nap, soft music or a warm and cozy blanket.

And if you're in recovery, add some reflection, some gentle journaling, slow joy, whatever that means for you, and gratitude.

Each rhythm needs a different type of care.

The second thing you can do is practice the physiological sigh.

This is a one minute reset that you can do.

What this is is two short inhales through the nose and one long exhale throughout the mouth.

And you're going to repeat this three times essentially.

And make as much noise as you want.

Totally okay and actually preferred.

Dr. Andrew Huberman from Stanford in 2023 found that this pattern lowers cortisol faster than meditation.

This is your anytime anywhere nervous system reset in the car and the pickup line for school.

Walking down the street in between shopping before you go to bed, the first thing you do in the morning.

This is literally anywhere anytime.

It's so easy.

And if you are a fan of this type of practice and understanding the neuroscience and physiology behind many of the practices, I Recommend Check out Dr. Huberman's podcast Huberman Lab.

It is so fascinating.

The third practice you can do is to schedule oxygen, not overload.

What does that mean?

Well, instead of cramming your schedule with back to back anything, whether it's a meeting, family gathering or social event, Add a five minute breath buffer.

Use any of the techniques I've shared with you.

You can do this before a meeting, before school pickup, before a hard conversation, before making dinner, step outside, look at the sky, lengthen your exhale.

Your nervous system reads stillness as safety.

The fourth practice you can try is to reclaim micro moments.

There is a misconception that you must schedule these large blocks of time for self care, for it to be worthwhile or for it to do anything.

And this is so not true.

Those tiny moments that you take and lean into throughout your day are just as powerful, if not more so.

A micro moment can look like three slow breaths in your car.

It can look like closing your eyes for 10 seconds.

Lighting a candle and sitting in silence.

Peace isn't necessarily found in a spa.

It can be found in being present in a pause.

Your energy moves in seasons.

Even within a single month, knowing your season helps you choose the right kind of rest.

If you are in the season of winter, which is depletion, signs of this might be exhaustion, overwhelm, tearfulness.

So what can help with that?

Sleep warmth, keeping your body warm, quiet, slower mornings saying no.

What hurts this over commitment, lots of noise and pressure.

If you are in the season of spring, which is renewal, the signs of this might be you're getting lots of new ideas or you're feeling really creative, you are feeling very hopeful, or you have a lot of motivation.

What helps this season?

Movement, lots of movement, sunlight and planning.

What hurts this season is perfectionism and over scheduling.

If you are in the season of summer, which is a sustaining season, signs of this might be just steady energy, feeling joyful or playful.

Things that can help during the season are having boundaries, staying hydrated, celebrating no matter how big or little, and spending time outside.

Things that can hurt this are overworking, ignoring early signs of fatigue.

And if you're in autumn, which is transition, signs of this can be change, reflection, feeling restless, or feeling the need to reevaluate.

Things that can help in this season are journaling, letting go, gratitude and gentleness and things that can hurt are clinging to control and resisting change.

And remember, even though we are currently actually technically still in autumn going into winter, you can go through these months internally all throughout the year, no matter what the technical month is.

Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith's work in her TEDx talk in 2019 shows that aligning your rest with your emotional season can reduce chronic fatigue by up to 30%.

Self care isn't just a random activity, it's responsive.

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So I used to think that I didn't have time to rest.

In fact, I felt guilty for taking any time for myself that seemed indulgent.

And back in those days, a nap and meditation definitely fell into that category.

I was always in the space of parenting, working, advocating, showing up, planning, thinking.

Then one day in that self care workshop that I talk about so much, I realized, wait, I can actually do this for myself.

It hit me in about six different ways, like a truth I did not want to admit.

I had built a life where care flowed outward in every direction except back to myself.

I remember that night of that workshop, sitting on the edge of my bed and just putting a hand over my heart and closing my eyes and taking a few really deep breaths.

And I remember that for the first time in months, probably years.

I felt this internal quiet, a softness, the beginning of a reintroduction to myself, to my soul.

Rest isn't selfish.

It's how we return to ourselves.

So let's actually try this together right now.

Take one hand and place it on your chest and one hand on your belly and take a slow, deep breath and whisper.

I deserve rest.

Let your body hear that and feel it.

Let your nervous system believe it.

Let this be your permission slip, not just for today, but for the rest of the year.

Today's Unlearn is about dismantling the belief that rest must be earned.

We've been told rest is indulgent.

Rest comes after the work is done.

But the work is never done.

Rest is not a reward.

Rest is preparation.

Rest is how you become present again.

Choose one micro rest today.

Whether it is three slow breaths, five silent minutes.

Oh my goodness, that sounds heavenly.

An early bedtime quiet walk or stepping away from your phone for a moment.

When we unlearn exhaustion as identity, we rediscover our humanity.

Thank you so much for taking this breath, this pause, this moment with me today.

My hope is that something inside you softened even just a little, and remembered that rest isn't something you must earn.

It's something you deserve.

Because you.

You're human.

As you move through the weeks ahead, I hope that you choose gentleness over the grind, presence over perfection.

And rhythms that restore you, instead of routines that deplete you.

And when you forget, because you will, may you return to your breath and begin again.

If this episode offered you calm or clarity or even one deep exhale.

Share it with someone else who's been carrying too much.

Remember that new episodes of More Human, More Kind drop every Tuesday and Friday, so be sure to follow and subscribe so you never miss one.

And if you're ready to release fear, shame, or the old patterns that keep you pushing past your limits, I'm accepting a few private clients right now.

You can learn more @morehuman more kind.com Take one more slow breath.

You're doing enough.

You are enough.

Sam.