Hello, hello, and

welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm your host

Aurora, and I'm very happy to be spending some time with you

today. I hope you're doing well, I hope you're in a good place.

And if not, I hope I can lift you up, make you feel good about

yourself, and help you to move on to whatever problems you are

faced with at the moment. Today, I want to talk about your

mother. I remember when I was in grade nine or 10, there were

mother jokes out there. And I always thought they were very

funny and can stop giggling, thinking of some of those jokes.

But this episode today is not going to be about mother jokes.

It is about your relationship with your mother. I received a

message from a dear listener, a dear friend the other day. And

he was explaining to me that his mom is sick. And he has to take

care of her. He lives with her. And that he keeps getting very,

very angry. He then apologizes. And then his mom forgives him.

But yeah, this situation is very tough and emotionally draining.

And additionally to that he tells me that no woman wants to

stay with him in a relationship. He keeps meeting people. But

yeah, it doesn't seem to be working out. They leave him and

he is. Yeah, very sad about this very desperate to meet someone

and maybe get married even one day. So I decided to make an

episode for him. And please know whenever there's something that

bugs you that is weighing heavily on your heart, shoot me

a message on Facebook or Instagram. And I will try and

produce an episode for you. And I know in doing so, we can also

help other people who might be struggling with similar

problems. If you haven't already, please subscribe to

this podcast. And if you feel very generous today, give me a

five star review on Apple podcast, it would mean so much

to me. Alright, let's dive in your mother. And don't get me

wrong if your mother has passed or if you were adopted, your

primary caregiver is the first source of love that you

experience your mom gives birth to you or adopt to or is there

for you. And this is basically your blueprint for love. She

gives you food, she nurtures you with love. She teaches you

things. And she is there for you in emotional distress. This is

the ideal mother. I'm very aware of this. I'm very aware that

there's some people out there who grow up with a primary

caregiver with a mother that is not able to provide all these

things, because maybe she hasn't received it herself when she was

little. But let's assume that you were given pretty much

everything you need from her when you were little and when

you were growing up. If it happens, that your mom is maybe

left by her husband by her father, by your father, and you

live alone with her. It is tough on you as a child on many many

level because first of all kids usually feel

hurt How do you say they feel in charge of taking care of the

emotional well being of the mother or of the Father, when

the mother left the house, they are starting to be caught in a

role that a child is not meant to play, they tried to replace

the partner, they are there for the mother, in this case, on an

emotional level. And sometimes the mother doesn't see that it

is not the child's responsibility to be their

caregiver. The mother needs to seek out counseling,

physiotherapists, if she is physically enabled, or friends

and relatives, but her child should be protected from the

misery of the man. For some people, that might sound very

cruel, because you think well, but it's my mom, and I want her

to be happy, and I'm so grateful for everything that she has done

for me. But you have to understand that there are

boundaries that need to be set. In order for both people, not

only the child, but also the mother, to live a healthy life,

your mom cannot depend on you. Because if she does, she will

take the place that emotional energy from you, that is needed

to create a healthy relationship with another, in this case,

another woman. So it is just crystal clear to me that

whenever my friend is meeting a girl, and they get along well,

but she realizes that all his emotional energy, all his mental

energy, all his physical energy maybe is going into his mother,

that she doesn't have a place in his life. And that makes people

vanish that makes people run away. Sometimes even it doesn't

make them bad people. It just makes them people who are very

aware of what they want a need in life. And they don't want to

put up with competition, for instance, very strong

competition, you have to see on a physical level, if you live

with your mama, and care for her all day long, and emotional

level energetical level, you are not making space for a new

partner. So all this to say is that I want to bring the power

back to you, you have the power in your hands to make wise

decisions in the future. It is not bad women that you keep

meeting, it is women that are aware of this phenomenon, and

they want nothing to do with it. They want to meet you as an

individual and not as the son of your mother. I recommend to look

up code dependency as well, I will put it in the show notes.

And have a little bit of a read there because it is very

important to know which boundaries you can set. And if

blamed, you know if guilt tripped if being called selfish,

then you are being given tools on how to stand up for yourself.

Because that's the trickiest part about independent

codependency is that when you seek independency, the person

that is dependent on you and you on them will not like the

change. They will feel you abandon them. you reject them.

You're being selfish. And I know this all too well because I've

gone through this many, many times in my life. And it is a

very tough situation to be in. But setting boundaries in this

case is really the only way out in order for you to have healthy

relationships

with other people. Yes, your mom gave you birth. Yes, your mom

was there for you in the first years of your life, but you are

supposed to be on this planet to pursue your life and your

happiness without rejecting her. Okay. Adding her out of your

life, but without being totally emotionally and mentally

dependent on her. It is a really tough situation to be in, I

understand this. But it is a situation that will make you

feel so good about yourself. Once you reach balance, once you

are standing on your own to feed, and make the decisions for

yourself, that are good for you. And you will see your

relationships will change, your sense of self will change, it is

no longer dependent on how your mother feels is she having a bad

day, or then you have to be a servant, and you have to be

accommodating and appeasing. And maybe even the clown know, the

way your mom feels is her responsibility. And she has to

seek help from other people, you can help her to find other

people. And you can set boundaries in a very gentle way.

Right, you don't have to go see her now and throw everything at

her head that I just told you, you can do it in a very gentle

and graceful way. And slowly remove yourself over time out of

that situation. Another very important point, because now I

just talked about your happiness and dependency is that your mom,

as soon as you remove yourself a little bit, your mom will have

to reach out to other people and be responsible of her health.

And usually, people get healthier, they don't totally

heal, some do. But they get healthier because all of a

sudden, they are fully responsible for themselves. They

reach out to other people who are not going to fall into the

codependency game. And again, to make space for novelty

themselves. Because if you keep watering your neighbor's garden,

they will soon Leanback drink their cup of coffee and go about

something else in their life and you will end up having to water

to gardens. As soon as you remove your garden hose out of

your neighbor's garden, your neighbor has to start watering

his garden again. And your relationship can be healthy

again, you don't feel resentful towards him because you're doing

him a favor. And he's not really appreciated. And this is where

I'm strongly certain my friends deep anger and resentment comes

from because he can feel that there is an imbalance he can

feel that he cannot take enough care of himself and his life and

his future. And this is why there will be nasty fights,

ongoing fights and then reconciliation and forgiveness.

It's going to be like a cycle, a vicious cycle until he decides

to take really good care of himself. I hope this all made

sense. I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions,

please reach out to me. Let's have a talk. If you have any

requests for new episodes, shoot me a message. And don't forget,

forget to give me a rating on Apple podcast. If you need a one

on one meditation, or a little bit of a Aurora boost, you can

sign up on my Patreon and we can have regular meetings maybe once

a month where I check in with you and give you tools on how to

unplug yourself from the situation you don't want to be

in anymore. I'm sending my love out to you. I will be out there

very soon again.