1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,580 The other day I met my teenage daughter at the station. 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,670 I had been in town and I was going to cycle home with her. 3 00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:09,600 So we got on our bikes and I noticed that she wasn't wearing a helmet. 4 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,880 In fact, it was dangling off her handlebars. 5 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,470 Yep, a lot of good there, isn't it? 6 00:00:13,770 --> 00:00:16,140 So I said to her, can you put any helmet, please? 7 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,490 And she said, no. 8 00:00:17,687 --> 00:00:19,667 And I said, but we've talked about this. 9 00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:22,007 We've talked about the fact that you know, your brain is really important. 10 00:00:22,187 --> 00:00:23,507 You need to look after it. 11 00:00:23,854 --> 00:00:25,804 Drivers around here are not great. 12 00:00:25,804 --> 00:00:27,964 It's not about you, it's about other people. 13 00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:32,214 And she looked at me, she said, mom, I know all that, but somebody might see me. 14 00:00:32,514 --> 00:00:34,584 All my friends were just about to get off the train. 15 00:00:34,907 --> 00:00:39,497 And so we cycle home with her helmet dangling off her handlebars. 16 00:00:39,797 --> 00:00:41,687 Now that seems ridiculous, doesn't it? 17 00:00:41,987 --> 00:00:45,377 But thinking back to when I was a teenager, I could not go 18 00:00:45,377 --> 00:00:46,967 against what my friends thought. 19 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:49,572 That just felt too difficult. 20 00:00:49,872 --> 00:00:52,917 And looking at my daughter cycling along with this helmet dangling from 21 00:00:52,917 --> 00:00:56,930 her handlebars, I realized that when we talk about boundaries, when we 22 00:00:56,930 --> 00:01:01,820 talk about minimizing your workload, we often talk about saying no. 23 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:05,825 But sometimes saying no is just too difficult. 24 00:01:05,855 --> 00:01:09,605 It feels like it goes against everything inside us. 25 00:01:09,605 --> 00:01:14,405 And particularly in healthcare where we are defined by helping people saying 26 00:01:14,405 --> 00:01:19,025 no, just feels like a bridge too far, even when we know we should do it. 27 00:01:19,325 --> 00:01:21,935 And of course there are other times that we just can't say no either. 28 00:01:21,935 --> 00:01:27,045 So say if it's genuinely part of our job and we feel we can't 29 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,725 go against our boss's wishes. 30 00:01:29,025 --> 00:01:32,350 Or there'll be really serious consequences, and in all good 31 00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:33,790 faith, we can't say no to that. 32 00:01:34,090 --> 00:01:37,261 Now, I am passionate about the need to say, no, by the way, I've struggled with 33 00:01:37,261 --> 00:01:41,438 this all my life, but it got me thinking, what if there was a different way of 34 00:01:41,438 --> 00:01:46,498 saying no that actually felt more like a yes, which felt far more aligned to our 35 00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:48,838 values of helping rather than hindering? 36 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:55,707 This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we 37 00:01:55,707 --> 00:01:58,377 talk about on our full podcast episodes. 38 00:01:58,677 --> 00:02:02,007 I've chosen today's topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it 39 00:02:02,007 --> 00:02:05,397 takes to have a cup of tea so you can return to whatever else you're 40 00:02:05,397 --> 00:02:07,767 up to feeling energized and inspired. 41 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:12,147 For more tools, tips, and insights to help you thrive at work, don't 42 00:02:12,147 --> 00:02:16,107 forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts. 43 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:21,630 What I think we often get wrong about saying no is that if it just feels too 44 00:02:21,630 --> 00:02:27,485 hard, I just have to say an automatic wholehearted yes even if I don't want 45 00:02:27,485 --> 00:02:29,795 to, it feels like my only option. 46 00:02:30,045 --> 00:02:33,975 And if you wanna hear more about the reasons why we really fear 47 00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:36,645 saying no, then we've got loads of loads of other podcasts about that. 48 00:02:36,645 --> 00:02:38,175 We'll put the links in the show notes. 49 00:02:38,235 --> 00:02:42,765 But I want to explore today the perils of this wholehearted yes. 50 00:02:43,065 --> 00:02:45,135 And suggest that there is another option. 51 00:02:45,135 --> 00:02:47,655 And the other option isn't saying no. 52 00:02:47,955 --> 00:02:51,825 Because if we say this automatic wholehearted yes outta fear, out of 53 00:02:51,825 --> 00:02:55,485 guilt or shame or just pure habit, then actually we know that at the end 54 00:02:55,485 --> 00:02:57,555 of the day, it erodes her wellbeing. 55 00:02:57,555 --> 00:02:59,085 We end up really overcommitted. 56 00:02:59,085 --> 00:03:00,255 We end up resentful. 57 00:03:00,588 --> 00:03:04,428 If we keep saying these wholehearted yeses to things, eventually we'll 58 00:03:04,428 --> 00:03:07,218 be saying no anyway, because we'll burn out or we'll have to leave. 59 00:03:07,551 --> 00:03:10,491 And often we say this wholehearted yes, because we don't want to 60 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:14,311 treat people badly, but we end up treating people badly anyway. 61 00:03:14,341 --> 00:03:19,221 be cause our no leaks out in passive aggressive behavior or in other ways. 62 00:03:19,778 --> 00:03:23,191 A few weeks ago I was at a hotel with some friends and in the 63 00:03:23,191 --> 00:03:25,321 morning we were having breakfast. 64 00:03:25,621 --> 00:03:28,981 And there was a group of four of us, but there weren't any tables for four around. 65 00:03:28,981 --> 00:03:31,411 There were lots of tables for two people. 66 00:03:31,761 --> 00:03:36,411 And so we sat down at table for two and there was a lady who had just come 67 00:03:36,411 --> 00:03:38,971 down, put her room card on the table it. 68 00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:42,601 Looked like she was alone and she'd gone off to go and get her buffet breakfast. 69 00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:46,111 When she came back, we asked her very politely, we said would you 70 00:03:46,111 --> 00:03:48,961 mind awfully if we had your table and put that together as to do a four? 71 00:03:49,321 --> 00:03:53,191 And there's a couple of single tables on their own over there, would you mind? 72 00:03:53,491 --> 00:03:57,931 And she looks at us and she rolled her eyes and said, fine and stormed off. 73 00:03:58,231 --> 00:04:02,734 And you know, we didn't have a chance, so that's okay, you can, you can have 74 00:04:02,734 --> 00:04:04,144 that table if it's such a big deal. 75 00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:08,344 And then she sat at one of the other tables and she glared us. 76 00:04:08,644 --> 00:04:10,024 And in fact, she was with another friend. 77 00:04:10,024 --> 00:04:13,744 And when her friend came along, she ended up moaning really loudly 78 00:04:13,744 --> 00:04:16,894 and just looking at us if we'd done something absolutely dreadful. 79 00:04:16,894 --> 00:04:20,704 Now she could have said no, I'm expecting someone, I'd like this table. 80 00:04:20,704 --> 00:04:21,724 That would've been fine. 81 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:22,984 She didn't say no. 82 00:04:23,284 --> 00:04:24,664 Instead she said yes. 83 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:29,284 And then proceeded to treat us pretty badly or that's what it felt like. 84 00:04:29,584 --> 00:04:34,744 And I realized that saying yes can mean that you end up treating people 85 00:04:34,824 --> 00:04:36,414 even worse than if you just said no. 86 00:04:36,614 --> 00:04:39,224 Because we've sort of been taught and we've imbibed this thing that 87 00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:43,874 if I can't say no, I just have to say fully yes without question. 88 00:04:44,224 --> 00:04:46,444 But it's just not realistic and it's not sustainable. 89 00:04:46,569 --> 00:04:51,909 So what if instead of a wholehearted Yes, we learned to say a differentiated yes? 90 00:04:52,169 --> 00:04:56,124 So you don't have to choose between self-sacrifice and complete 91 00:04:56,184 --> 00:04:57,684 disengagement from your team. 92 00:04:57,984 --> 00:05:03,014 There's a middle ground where you stay flexible, you stay compassionate, 93 00:05:03,314 --> 00:05:06,464 and you are really conscious of what you need and what other people need. 94 00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:10,777 And what's more, you'll be modeling helpful boundaries to everybody else. 95 00:05:11,131 --> 00:05:13,651 Now, what is a differentiated yes? 96 00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:16,371 Well, I've come up with this term 'cause I think it's a bit like 97 00:05:16,371 --> 00:05:18,021 making a differential diagnosis. 98 00:05:18,021 --> 00:05:21,831 So what you are looking for is the reasons behind you wanting to 99 00:05:21,831 --> 00:05:24,141 say yes and your decision to help. 100 00:05:24,414 --> 00:05:27,684 So instead of jumping to this automatic yes, you actually pause 101 00:05:27,684 --> 00:05:30,594 and you reflect and you think, what's really driving my yes? 102 00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:32,274 Is it coming from fear? 103 00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:37,127 Is it rooted in guilt or shame, people pleasing or perfectionism, or is it 104 00:05:37,187 --> 00:05:41,567 rooted in, in more positive things like generosity, connection, and purpose? 105 00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:43,577 Is this aligned with my own values? 106 00:05:43,991 --> 00:05:46,651 So just as you wouldn't prescribe treatment for something without 107 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:50,494 having a stab at what the diagnosis is, and to get that, you also need to 108 00:05:50,494 --> 00:05:54,322 consider all the differentials, this differentiated yes will really help 109 00:05:54,322 --> 00:05:58,356 you look at the motivation behind your agreement, and so that you can 110 00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:00,786 just respond wisely and sustainably. 111 00:06:01,086 --> 00:06:05,286 It helps everybody because it protects your time, it protects your energy. 112 00:06:05,286 --> 00:06:09,229 It really honors your limits, and it helps you stay aligned with your, your values 113 00:06:09,229 --> 00:06:10,969 and what really, really matters to you. 114 00:06:10,969 --> 00:06:14,239 So it helps you to say yes at the right time, to the right thing in the 115 00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:18,349 right way for the right reasons, but more importantly, it actually helps 116 00:06:18,349 --> 00:06:20,599 you put boundaries around your yes. 117 00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:25,942 So I wanna think about what some shadow yeses are, what some positive yeses 118 00:06:25,942 --> 00:06:30,022 are, and how we can turn some of those shadow reasons into positive reasons 119 00:06:30,292 --> 00:06:32,122 and come up with this boundaried yes. 120 00:06:32,506 --> 00:06:36,411 So here are some of the different types of shadow yeses, when your Yes. 121 00:06:36,711 --> 00:06:39,286 Isn't really about the request, it is for a different reason, which 122 00:06:39,286 --> 00:06:40,996 generally is pretty unhelpful. 123 00:06:41,176 --> 00:06:45,045 So you're not saying yes because of the task, you're saying yes because 124 00:06:45,045 --> 00:06:48,375 of some unhelpful beliefs or feelings. 125 00:06:48,795 --> 00:06:51,195 Firstly, you've got your approval yes. 126 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,515 Because everyone wants to be approved of and thought well of, don't they? 127 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,975 The motivation is wanting to be liked. 128 00:06:57,275 --> 00:07:01,475 You've got the avoidance yes where you're just like dodging the discomfort of 129 00:07:01,565 --> 00:07:03,245 maybe upsetting somebody with your no. 130 00:07:03,545 --> 00:07:07,525 You've got the guilty yes, and that is where saying no would 131 00:07:07,525 --> 00:07:09,685 make you feel really selfish. 132 00:07:10,025 --> 00:07:15,305 And so often it's just been ingrained in us that being in healthcare means helping 133 00:07:15,305 --> 00:07:19,920 people, and it's so selfish if we fail to help people and put our own needs first. 134 00:07:20,227 --> 00:07:22,327 The next thing we've got is the hero yes. 135 00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:23,707 So yeah, I'll do it. 136 00:07:23,707 --> 00:07:25,417 I'm here to rescue everybody. 137 00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:27,487 We talk about being a rescuer a lot. 138 00:07:27,590 --> 00:07:29,780 We know that being a rescuer doesn't really work in the long 139 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:32,000 term, but it feels so validating. 140 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:36,410 So here we are just trying to prove our value, and we might actually believe that 141 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:38,330 it's only us that can save the world. 142 00:07:38,630 --> 00:07:41,240 Next, we've got the obligations yes. 143 00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:45,880 That's where we feel everybody's got this expectation of us. 144 00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,470 We might have that of ourselves. 145 00:07:47,650 --> 00:07:51,730 There might be a specific expectation of the role, and this is when we have 146 00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:55,540 these identities such as total doctor identity, we might think to ourselves, 147 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:59,920 well, this is what I'm obliged to do or expected to do, and often these are 148 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,500 based on really outdated expectations. 149 00:08:02,913 --> 00:08:07,760 There's the fearful yes, avoiding judgment from other people or perhaps 150 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:12,200 even some negative consequences that probably won't happen, but our 151 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,380 amygdalas are saying, well, look what might happen if you don't do that. 152 00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:17,833 And there's the the love me yes. 153 00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:19,303 So that's just seeking validation. 154 00:08:19,303 --> 00:08:20,173 Am I okay? 155 00:08:20,203 --> 00:08:21,403 Do you think I'm okay? 156 00:08:21,703 --> 00:08:26,323 So all of these mean we're saying yes, probably for the wrong reason, 157 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:30,583 not because we really wanna do it, but 'cause we're trying to avoid 158 00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:33,163 fear, shame, or guilt in some way. 159 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:38,476 So I wonder if you find yourself saying yes because of any of those reasons? 160 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:40,590 Now, there's no value judgment here. 161 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,340 I'm not saying you absolutely should say yes, or you absolutely should say no. 162 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,520 What I'm looking at is what's motivating you? 163 00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:51,860 I need to know that you're saying yes because you really wanna do it, 164 00:08:51,890 --> 00:08:53,900 because it aligns with your values. 165 00:08:54,170 --> 00:08:59,488 Being motivated by fear, guilt, and shame will just lead to resentment in the long 166 00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:03,148 run when you are overloaded with all these tasks you didn't really want to do. 167 00:09:03,474 --> 00:09:06,864 So what are some positive reasons for saying yes? 168 00:09:07,164 --> 00:09:09,054 Well, of course there are loads aren't there? 169 00:09:09,354 --> 00:09:12,114 Some of the healthier reasons are generosity. 170 00:09:12,414 --> 00:09:13,369 You really want to help. 171 00:09:13,669 --> 00:09:15,319 That's, that's a good thing, isn't it? 172 00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:19,669 And we know in terms of the ways to wellbeing that giving is one 173 00:09:19,669 --> 00:09:23,810 of the things that really makes us feel better and feeds our soul. 174 00:09:24,091 --> 00:09:26,419 Connection is another way to wellbeing. 175 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,589 So often we wanna say yes because we really value the relationship, and 176 00:09:30,589 --> 00:09:32,299 it helps us connect with that person. 177 00:09:32,599 --> 00:09:33,859 That is a positive reason. 178 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:37,729 You might be saying yes because it really aligns with your, your values. 179 00:09:38,029 --> 00:09:39,949 So there's a shared purpose there. 180 00:09:40,273 --> 00:09:43,366 I'll say yes to doing that 'cause I really care about that cause. 181 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:48,233 And we know that doing meaningful activities and things that work towards 182 00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:51,923 this purpose that we have in life, or a higher purpose or something that's beyond 183 00:09:51,923 --> 00:09:54,173 ourselves is very, very fulfilling. 184 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:56,423 So that's a really positive reason to say yes. 185 00:09:56,777 --> 00:09:59,627 Another way to wellbeing is learning and growing. 186 00:09:59,927 --> 00:10:01,187 So growth. 187 00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,667 If I do this, then actually that will help me learn and grow. 188 00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:06,947 That's a great reason to say yes. 189 00:10:07,297 --> 00:10:08,317 As well as doing something. 190 00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,517 'cause it energizes you. 191 00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:10,867 It brings you joy. 192 00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:13,560 I remember a couple of weeks ago, it was a Sunday evening. 193 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:16,330 I was really, really tired and my son asked me, Mom, do 194 00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:17,110 you wanna come to the gym? 195 00:10:17,110 --> 00:10:19,330 I thought, oh, I really ought to go to the gym. 196 00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:21,107 I ought to support him as a good mom. 197 00:10:21,107 --> 00:10:22,907 Then I thought, well, actually, what's gonna bring me joy? 198 00:10:22,907 --> 00:10:25,552 And I said, oh, you know what I, I don't feel like the gym, but 199 00:10:25,582 --> 00:10:26,752 should we go and play tennis? 200 00:10:26,812 --> 00:10:28,042 I know that will bring me joy. 201 00:10:28,042 --> 00:10:29,572 And he said, yeah, yeah, I'd love to. 202 00:10:29,572 --> 00:10:30,532 So off we went. 203 00:10:30,682 --> 00:10:33,382 So that was a really positive yes that I could say. 204 00:10:33,815 --> 00:10:36,485 Another really positive reason is reciprocity. 205 00:10:36,788 --> 00:10:39,438 We don't talk a lot about this in healthcare, but it's often 206 00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:40,488 at the back of our minds. 207 00:10:40,488 --> 00:10:46,128 So reciprocity is simply, well, if I help you, then actually you may 208 00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:47,748 will help me in the future as well. 209 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:51,095 It's not a manipulative thing, it's just like, well, this is how I'd 210 00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:54,515 like to be treated, so I'm treating you like that, and hopefully that 211 00:10:54,515 --> 00:10:55,925 will happen back in the future. 212 00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:57,898 And it's about mutual support. 213 00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:02,198 And finally the most healthy yeses is the real integrity yes. 214 00:11:02,258 --> 00:11:04,088 It really aligns with who I am. 215 00:11:04,405 --> 00:11:05,155 That's great. 216 00:11:05,305 --> 00:11:08,550 That one does come with a health warning because the integrity. 217 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:09,180 Yes. 218 00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:09,780 Is then. 219 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,690 Very closely linked to the I should yes. 220 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,563 If I'm gonna be integrity, I really should do that. 221 00:11:15,863 --> 00:11:17,363 That's not what I'm saying at all. 222 00:11:17,663 --> 00:11:21,003 But integrity is one of the biggest reasons for really 223 00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:22,143 wanting to do something. 224 00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:28,243 And the best yeses come from real clarity about your purpose, about your 225 00:11:28,243 --> 00:11:33,943 values, not from compulsion, from fear, guilt thinking I should or I ought to. 226 00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:37,417 They come from I will, I want to. 227 00:11:37,803 --> 00:11:42,843 Now in reality, all of us are gonna have a mixture of some shadow yeses and some 228 00:11:42,843 --> 00:11:47,337 positive yeses, and sometimes we can move some of the shadow yeses and reframe 229 00:11:47,337 --> 00:11:51,982 them into some positive yeses, such as that need to be liked we can reframe 230 00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:55,192 as I really value our relationship, here's what's sustainable for me. 231 00:11:55,377 --> 00:11:59,277 The I'm feeling really guilty about this can be reframed into I really 232 00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:03,160 care, and I want to be able to give and help from a, a place where 233 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:04,820 I'm resourced, that's sustainable. 234 00:12:05,214 --> 00:12:09,395 And if you're thinking, well, I just always say yes, so I need to carry on, we 235 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:13,265 can reframe that tool that's changing and I need to say yes differently right now. 236 00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:14,615 So just have a think, you know? 237 00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:18,155 When was the last time you said yes that didn't sit right? 238 00:12:18,455 --> 00:12:20,825 Which one of those shadow yeses was it? 239 00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:22,685 And when you have said healthy Yes. 240 00:12:23,015 --> 00:12:27,755 How did it feel to you and how, how did it feel different from that shadow yes? 241 00:12:28,246 --> 00:12:30,561 So let's just talk about how we do this. 242 00:12:30,861 --> 00:12:35,991 How do we give a differentiated yes, where we've worked out what our motivation is 243 00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:41,421 and we've reframed some of the shadow yeses into a positive yes, but with 244 00:12:41,421 --> 00:12:46,881 boundaries, so we're not saying yes to everything and it doesn't go on forever, 245 00:12:47,231 --> 00:12:51,371 and it doesn't add to our plates and make us feel even more overwhelmed? 246 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,017 Because we've all done it, haven't we? 247 00:12:53,257 --> 00:12:57,757 Whether it's saying yes to reviewing someone's article, but then we've 248 00:12:57,757 --> 00:13:02,917 got to look at four or five different versions or rewrite it or look something 249 00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:05,407 up and it takes us four times as long. 250 00:13:05,707 --> 00:13:09,307 Or we've said yes to doing a, a quick presentation, but 251 00:13:09,307 --> 00:13:12,367 actually the person wants a presentation four weeks in advance. 252 00:13:12,452 --> 00:13:15,062 There's suddenly all these other expectations. 253 00:13:15,346 --> 00:13:19,066 Or someone's asked us to give a quick second opinion on something or just see 254 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,876 this extra patient and something that we thought was gonna take us five minutes, 255 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:26,526 takes us an hour, and there's ongoing follow up, there might be complaints, 256 00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:29,916 you're embroiled this politics and suddenly it's just spun out of control. 257 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:33,322 So here's some steps you could use to give an undifferentiated yes. 258 00:13:33,622 --> 00:13:36,082 Firstly, work out what the cost is. 259 00:13:36,457 --> 00:13:38,527 You can use the yes cost calculator. 260 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,767 So firstly, what will this cost me in energy? 261 00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,957 What will it cost me in time? 262 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:47,452 And I heard a podcast recently that said, however long you think it's gonna 263 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:51,442 take, times that by four, I normally say double it, but times it by four. 264 00:13:51,442 --> 00:13:54,982 And when I think about it, actually that is probably the right figure. 265 00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:56,459 So what's it gonna cost me? 266 00:13:56,459 --> 00:14:01,239 An energy and time, and what will I have to deprioritize in order to do it? 267 00:14:01,539 --> 00:14:04,479 I heard about someone that kept a photo of her kids on her desk, and every 268 00:14:04,479 --> 00:14:08,329 time she agreed to speak at another conference, she picked up the picture 269 00:14:08,329 --> 00:14:11,589 of her kids and said kids, I'm telling you, I'm speaking at that conference 270 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,999 so I won't be with you that day. 271 00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:16,809 Now that's a little bit guilt inducing, but actually if you are directly 272 00:14:16,809 --> 00:14:19,659 thinking about what you are gonna deprioritize, that might just stop 273 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,169 you in your tracks, and actually think about, well, what boundaries 274 00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:23,909 do I need to put around this yes? 275 00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:28,374 The next question in the yes cost calculator is what will future me say? 276 00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:31,374 Will they thank me or will they be really cross? 277 00:14:31,494 --> 00:14:35,424 When they get to that thing in the diary, if it's a sort of time bound thing, will 278 00:14:35,424 --> 00:14:39,264 they be pleased or said yes, or will they be really, really resentful, and just 279 00:14:39,264 --> 00:14:41,905 think to themselves, why did I not say no? 280 00:14:42,426 --> 00:14:46,285 And I've done a podcast about the future me safeguarding the future me. 281 00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:47,545 So I'll put the link in the show notes. 282 00:14:48,111 --> 00:14:50,047 So next you need to identify the motivation. 283 00:14:50,121 --> 00:14:52,761 So ask yourself, is this a shadow yes? 284 00:14:53,111 --> 00:14:56,921 And if it is a shadow yes, here are some reframes that you could use. 285 00:14:57,049 --> 00:15:00,239 If it's the approval thing, the reframe would be, let me just check 286 00:15:00,239 --> 00:15:02,173 my capacity before I commit to this. 287 00:15:02,619 --> 00:15:05,229 If you're saying yes because of guilt, you could say, the person that, I 288 00:15:05,229 --> 00:15:08,559 really wanna help with this, but I wanna do it in a way that's sustainable. 289 00:15:08,859 --> 00:15:12,909 If you're saying the hero yes, then reframe it to, well, I'm really happy 290 00:15:12,909 --> 00:15:16,209 to contribute, but how can we share the load over everybody so I'm not the hero 291 00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:17,970 here and I'm not rescuing everybody? 292 00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:22,050 If you're saying yes out of obligation, reframe this and think, actually I 293 00:15:22,050 --> 00:15:25,980 have another professional obligation and that is to honor my limits. 294 00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:30,000 And that right now trumps any sort of outdated obligations I'm feeling. 295 00:15:30,323 --> 00:15:34,393 If I'm saying a fearful yes, I might think, well, how can we explore a way 296 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:36,553 that that's gonna work for both of us? 297 00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:40,566 Is there a third way where I might not experience those consequences, but I'm 298 00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:42,251 not saying that wholehearted yes either? 299 00:15:42,665 --> 00:15:46,285 And finally that love me yes, seeking validation, a reframe is 300 00:15:46,375 --> 00:15:48,025 actually, I know what I'm worth. 301 00:15:48,145 --> 00:15:49,225 I know my worth. 302 00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:52,195 Do I need to do this just to be validated? 303 00:15:52,461 --> 00:15:53,901 Here's how I can help wisely. 304 00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:56,545 So identify those shadow yeses. 305 00:15:56,545 --> 00:16:01,188 Now, if you have a healthy yes, then great, but before you turn 306 00:16:01,188 --> 00:16:03,108 it into a wholehearted, yes. 307 00:16:03,408 --> 00:16:06,528 Think about how you could make it a differentiated yes. 308 00:16:06,828 --> 00:16:11,258 And here's some reframes that you can use to say, a differentiated, 309 00:16:11,258 --> 00:16:13,088 boundaried, and sustainable yes. 310 00:16:13,388 --> 00:16:16,988 The firstly, I can do it, but not all of it reframe. 311 00:16:17,188 --> 00:16:19,438 I love this one because it says, yes, I can help with parts of 312 00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,058 it, but not the whole thing. 313 00:16:21,358 --> 00:16:24,358 And that will help you with the overwhelm by just limiting what you 314 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,918 do so you're not doing everything. 315 00:16:26,291 --> 00:16:30,078 Next reframe, the if I do this, then I won't do that reframe. 316 00:16:30,378 --> 00:16:32,568 So here you might say something like, well, I can do this, but 317 00:16:32,568 --> 00:16:35,616 something else is gonna need to wait or should we agree what that is? 318 00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:40,446 So you are losing an equal amount of time and energy from what you're not 319 00:16:40,446 --> 00:16:42,126 gonna do in order to say the yes. 320 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,880 Next, we've got the yes, but not now reframe. 321 00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:47,580 And this goes along the lines of something like, yes, I'd be happy 322 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:51,373 to do this, but I can't do it until x. Does that work for you? 323 00:16:51,673 --> 00:16:54,283 Really clear sets expectations. 324 00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,013 The next one is the, let's share the load. 325 00:16:57,013 --> 00:16:57,493 Reframe. 326 00:16:57,493 --> 00:17:01,993 So yes, I can do it, but I can only do it if you help me and we share the load. 327 00:17:02,153 --> 00:17:05,033 So that might go something like, yes, as long as we can spit the 328 00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:06,913 work or set some limits together. 329 00:17:07,353 --> 00:17:11,433 Next we've got the conditional contribution reframe, so 330 00:17:11,438 --> 00:17:13,353 it's yes on these conditions. 331 00:17:13,353 --> 00:17:16,353 So yes, if it's only gonna take this amount of time, or 332 00:17:16,353 --> 00:17:17,973 we can agree on a time limit. 333 00:17:18,273 --> 00:17:21,243 And have a clear scope so that I'm not going to overextend. 334 00:17:21,543 --> 00:17:23,463 So that can be really, really helpful. 335 00:17:23,493 --> 00:17:27,303 And in fact, I think it's really important for any yes that you say to 336 00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:28,653 say, okay, what's the scope of this? 337 00:17:28,653 --> 00:17:32,253 What am I expected to do as Brene Brown says, clear is kind. 338 00:17:32,749 --> 00:17:34,849 Next, we've got the time box yes reframe. 339 00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:38,783 So it could be right, I've got 20 minutes, whatever I can do in this 340 00:17:38,783 --> 00:17:40,643 20 minutes, I'll do and then stop. 341 00:17:40,913 --> 00:17:43,643 Or you could say, yep, I've got 50 minutes right now. 342 00:17:43,943 --> 00:17:46,463 Let's use that time to move things forward on this. 343 00:17:46,463 --> 00:17:47,959 And then I can't do anything more. 344 00:17:48,217 --> 00:17:52,145 And the final two, the clarify and confirm reframe. 345 00:17:52,445 --> 00:17:55,385 This is something like, well, I'd be happy to say yes, but firstly, can I 346 00:17:55,385 --> 00:17:59,885 just clarify exactly what this commitment looks like or what success looks 347 00:17:59,885 --> 00:18:01,655 like, just so that I don't overcommit? 348 00:18:01,985 --> 00:18:04,745 So you know from the outset exactly what's expected of you. 349 00:18:05,112 --> 00:18:05,930 And finally. 350 00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:08,585 You've got the clinical safety first reframe. 351 00:18:08,912 --> 00:18:10,322 So I'd love to help. 352 00:18:10,412 --> 00:18:13,892 I need to say clinically safe because I'm at capacity right now. 353 00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:16,802 So what can we shift to make this thing manageable? 354 00:18:17,146 --> 00:18:19,166 And that just acknowledges our own limits. 355 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,341 And that's quite hard to argue with, isn't it? 356 00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:25,931 So in the workbook for this quick dip episode, we will provide a crib 357 00:18:25,931 --> 00:18:30,101 sheet of all these different types of reframe that you can keep, I don't know, 358 00:18:30,101 --> 00:18:32,261 on your phone or next to your desk. 359 00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:35,441 So next time you're asked to say yes to something and you feel you 360 00:18:35,441 --> 00:18:38,861 can't say no, you can just use one of these helpful reframes. 361 00:18:39,304 --> 00:18:41,764 And of course, the worksheet is available to all the members 362 00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:43,414 of our FrogXxtra membership. 363 00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:47,447 Because these reframes just help you remain helpful and collaborative 364 00:18:47,447 --> 00:18:51,514 without ruining the relationship, but without compromising your boundaries, 365 00:18:51,514 --> 00:18:53,434 your clarity, or your wellbeing. 366 00:18:53,881 --> 00:18:58,137 And of course you can use all of these reframes together to, to have 367 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,117 a real sort of negotiated, yes. 368 00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:04,291 So for example, if somebody asks you to see an extra patient, you could 369 00:19:04,291 --> 00:19:07,281 say something like, I absolutely understand this patient needs to be 370 00:19:07,281 --> 00:19:11,374 seen, and of course I want to help, but I'm currently at capacity, i'm 371 00:19:11,374 --> 00:19:14,604 really worried about doing a rush job or really compromising safety. 372 00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:19,837 So I could see them now if somebody else does my discharge summaries, or I could 373 00:19:19,837 --> 00:19:23,647 see them now if someone else is happy to do those two medical reports that 374 00:19:23,647 --> 00:19:27,877 are waiting for me and need doing by tonight, or perhaps the duty doctor could 375 00:19:27,877 --> 00:19:31,087 see that patient and I'll do a couple of the phone calls quickly for them. 376 00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:34,408 What do you think is the safest thing to do, or what would you like to do? 377 00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:39,208 Or perhaps I could delay this other thing till tomorrow, but tomorrow I'm really 378 00:19:39,208 --> 00:19:42,298 overbooked, so you're gonna have to shift a couple of patients out to somebody else. 379 00:19:42,628 --> 00:19:43,138 I don't know. 380 00:19:43,288 --> 00:19:45,148 Use your negotiation tactics. 381 00:19:45,448 --> 00:19:47,068 There are lots of different ways of doing it. 382 00:19:47,371 --> 00:19:51,781 So next time you're in a position where you really can't say no, it might 383 00:19:51,781 --> 00:19:55,795 be a teenager helmet type situation where you know saying no would be the 384 00:19:55,795 --> 00:20:00,085 best thing, but you just can't bring yourself to, for all sorts of reasons. 385 00:20:00,385 --> 00:20:03,535 Or actually saying yes is the right thing to do here. 386 00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:05,785 But you're at capacity and you're overwhelmed. 387 00:20:06,085 --> 00:20:08,365 Try saying a differentiated yes. 388 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:12,655 The way to do that is uncover your underlying motivation first, get the 389 00:20:12,655 --> 00:20:15,248 differentials, work out is it a shadow? 390 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:15,668 Yes. 391 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,208 Or is it a positive yes? 392 00:20:17,558 --> 00:20:20,588 Think about what the time and energy cost is going to be. 393 00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:24,278 And then think about how you can say a differentiated yes, 394 00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:26,348 instead of a wholehearted. 395 00:20:26,348 --> 00:20:26,828 Yes. 396 00:20:27,255 --> 00:20:32,391 So this week, pick one situation where you would normally just say yes automatically. 397 00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:33,501 And pause. 398 00:20:33,938 --> 00:20:37,571 Try that differentiated yes system and then reflect. 399 00:20:37,871 --> 00:20:38,741 What happened. 400 00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:40,481 Did the world stop? 401 00:20:40,811 --> 00:20:42,581 Did really awful things happen? 402 00:20:42,881 --> 00:20:43,871 Probably not. 403 00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:48,708 So if you can't say no, make the differentiated yes your 404 00:20:48,708 --> 00:20:51,318 go-to, not the wholehearted yes. 405 00:20:51,575 --> 00:20:54,935 And maybe, just maybe, this is the answer to the say no problem. 406 00:20:55,281 --> 00:20:56,911 We never think of it as saying no. 407 00:20:57,181 --> 00:21:00,001 We just think of it as saying a differentiated yes. 408 00:21:00,091 --> 00:21:01,411 I'd love to know your thoughts on that. 409 00:21:01,972 --> 00:21:04,952 Please drop me an email at hello@youarenotafrog.com, 410 00:21:05,322 --> 00:21:06,162 let me know your thoughts. 411 00:21:06,162 --> 00:21:08,606 Let me know some of your reframes that you're gonna use. 412 00:21:08,906 --> 00:21:11,336 And above all, let me know how it goes. 413 00:21:11,736 --> 00:21:13,109 We need to set boundaries. 414 00:21:13,109 --> 00:21:18,419 It's the only way we are gonna step away from burnout and, and work sustainably and 415 00:21:18,419 --> 00:21:22,489 be there in the long run for our patients, for our families, and for ourselves.