Heather Shannon (00:01.72)

So most people actually do know when something feels good in bed, but what they don't know is why it works or how to create it on purpose. So they either fall into routines that just kind of stop working over time or they're just randomly trying things and kind of hoping something clicks. And when their partner is like, well, what do you want? What would make you feel good? The answer is usually, I don't know, or whatever you usually do is OK.

And then that's where people get stuck. in this episode, I want to give you a simple way to start exploring what actually turns you on so that you can not only understand it, but recreate it on purpose and communicate it effectively. So most of us are not taught how to explore our sexuality intentionally. We kind of know like, OK, well, maybe we figure out our sexual orientation. Maybe that's the thing.

Maybe we watch porn, maybe we read romance novels, and that's about as far as it goes. So we tend to just default to whatever's familiar, and especially once you get to know somebody, because when you first start having sex with somebody, it's kind of new and exciting, and maybe you want to figure out a few things, and you want to please them and learn about them. And then when you're 10, 20 years in, it's more like, OK, well.

I kind of know these few things work. Those are the trustworthy go-to options. Let's stick with those. And what happens is that then not being vulnerable and not continuing to get to know someone who you've known for a long time keeps us in those same patterns that aren't necessarily giving us that exciting, adventurous, fun sex life that we're after. So there's three steps to this, right?

the I'm going to outline all three steps, give some examples. And then I do actually have a fun little freebie with this episode. So I will tell you at the end how to get that that will help you kind of implement these steps. All right. So step one, recognize your current patterns. Right. If you're listening to this, your current pattern might be that you're in a comfort zone and.

Heather Shannon (02:14.262)

Some people's comfort zones are very, very tiny. Some people's comfort zones are very, very big. It's making me think of, size matters or size doesn't matter. In this case, it's great if you have a lot of things in your comfort zone, but the idea is not just to have a big comfort zone, but to be in process of exploring on an ongoing basis. So when you have more of a routine sex life with less novelty, you do tend to have less satisfaction.

in your sex life in a long-term relationship. you're also some, I hear this a lot from people, you're sometimes leaving stuff out of your sex life that you actually like. So people might say, well, yeah, we don't really do oral sex or, you know, I do it to her, but she doesn't do it to me or vice versa or, yeah, you know, we kind of just stopped kissing. I don't know, somehow that happens a lot, by the way, that people stop kissing.

in long term relationships or stop like make out kissing. They might do little pecks, right? So this is what happens is like not only are we not expanding our comfort zone, but we're actually contracting our comfort zone sometimes. We're actually like, I guess I didn't make a conscious choice to stop kissing my partner, but somehow it happened, right? And so that is what I'm inviting you to do is just be aware. What are we currently doing?

What is our pattern? What is my comfort zone? Is there a reason that we're not doing certain things? And if there is, oftentimes that reason is because you guys had a conversation seven years ago in which someone said that it didn't feel good to receive oral sex or it didn't feel good to, or they weren't open to anal sex. Well, a lot can change in seven years. Let me tell you.

So it's important to keep having the conversation is the bottom line. But recognize where are we at now and why? Because the why is often like, because we haven't talked about it and because it became a default. So where are you just defaulting to whatever kind of, know, so-so sex you're currently having? And let's also look at the otherwise. So maybe it's a default. Maybe there's also some awkwardness.

Heather Shannon (04:32.429)

And I will add that if it's become a default, if it's become a comfort zone, then you kind of have to rock the boat a little bit to change that. And a lot of people, myself included sometimes, do not like to rock the boat. It's like, oh, it's okay though. Do we have to talk about it? Yes. If you're going to put your body parts inside other people or vice versa, you need to be able to talk about it. That's why you're here. And that's why I'm here. Okay. So that is step one. Identify the comfort zone and why.

Okay, step two. This is where it gets a little more fun. So step two of sexual exploration and figuring out what turns you on is following your curiosity. And I am a naturally very curious person. Most of us have that in us somehow. I think especially as kids, right? Like little kids ask so many questions. Sometimes as adults, it gets shut down though. So I am inviting you.

let's just start being curious. I think the biggest reason we get a little stuck here is because we feel as adults, especially when you've been with someone a long time, that we should just know it. We should, I should just be good at stocks. I shouldn't have to like learn how to give a better blow job in my forties or I shouldn't have to like learn how to finger my wife at 53. You know what I mean? And I think that that's...

where we get a little hung up. Like what if we just didn't have those limiting beliefs? Let's just like throw them in the trash can right now. Okay, we're just done throwing those out. Because what happens is, then we don't have beginner's mind. And you know, I'm sure you've heard of beginner's luck. Beginner's mind is not that dissimilar. It's kind of like, you're not in your head, you're not over analyzing, you're just letting yourself be where you are. You're letting yourself be curious.

You're letting yourself ask questions. And as we get older and kind of more established in our relationship, more familiar, we can stop doing that. And that's not actually a great thing to stop asking questions and being curious. And we're actually in fear is what's happening. It's like, I don't want to be embarrassed. Or like, that's kind of weird or awkward. so then this is like part of step two is noticing.

Heather Shannon (06:54.478)

What stories am I telling myself that are actually just coming from a fear of being awkward, a fear of being embarrassed, a fear of not being an expert at something? And the other thing I want to say very globally about just learning new things is we should be. We should be learning throughout our whole lifespan. So if we have this idea that I should learn all the things by 35, then I just live them.

No, that's weird. Right? So some people are going to learn certain things when they're younger and other things when they're older. And other people are going to flip flop those things. And so it's not weird if you haven't learned certain things by a certain age, because you can learn them now. So just keep learning. So we're embracing lifelong sexual learning on the Sex for Couples podcast. Now, okay, so I want to share also a little bit about this.

wasn't like super old. I was in my 30s. But I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to sex. And I had, you know, some dating experiences. I wound up having like a long term relationship at the end of my 20s, early 30s. And then after that relationship is when I was kind of like, I'm kind of free now. I'm not in like a monogamous relationship. And I can explore and there are some things I would like to explore. Come to think of it.

And I was sort of like, okay, let's seize the day. Let's see what opportunities are out there. And let's figure out like what is for me and what is not for me, at least right now. And so I did things like, you know, go to a workshop at a sex toy store. There was a dungeon that had sort of a kink community that was like an educational nonprofit situation. And they would do workshops on

you know, dom sub dynamics or consensual kink or various things like that. So I went to a couple of those. Okay, Cupid, I think is sort of on the decline now. But at the time, it was still very popular and very sex positives kind of sex forward dating site. And so I use that and I kind of connected with some like like minded people. And what I learned from this process

Heather Shannon (09:21.848)

There's a lot, right? There's, there were some things that are like, that's interesting, but it's not necessarily something that turns me on. It might be like, okay, that toy or that sex act is like, meh. It's like, okay, cool, great. I love it for other people, right? And there's other things where it's like, ooh, yes, this is a consistent turn on for me. And that's what I want you to kind of start thinking about.

Heather Shannon (09:51.785)

Ugh, cut this part.

Heather Shannon (10:01.646)

That's what I want you to start thinking about is that you don't have to be locked in to any of this, right? Like you might discover, I like anal sex, but I only want to have it like every once in a while. It's not like an every time thing for me. Or I want to be pegged or I love breast nipple play, whatever it is. Or like I want to explore cross dressing. Okay, great. Whatever it is does not mean that you're locked into doing that every time.

So I'm gonna use an analogy of a meal. Okay, so let's say we have dinner. We have the entree, right? So that might be the stuff that you're like, yes, this is consistently nourishing my sexual self, my sexual energy. It's turning me on. I'm super into it consistently. Okay, and then we might have like side dishes. We might have like a little veggie or a little mashed potatoes on the side. And those could be things that like, okay, we like that.

but maybe not quite as much as the entree or not quite as often. And then we have things that are like the seasoning on top of the meal. Maybe there's like a little sauce, maybe there's some salt and pepper, some paprika, right? And like those are the things where it's like occasionally, right? I don't always want paprika. I don't always want too much salt, but sometimes it's exactly what I want. And so this is what you're figuring out as you're going. And there's so many categories to explore.

I didn't want this episode to turn into me listing all the categories and resources. So that is why I'm making that free download for you guys, which I willing to in the show notes, which will give you a few categories to start with and a few things to explore in each category. And then you can score yourself and see, okay, is this sort of my entree category? This is like a nine out of 10, you know, or is this a side dish? This is like a five or six out of 10, or maybe it's a one out of 10 and it's just the pepper on top of the meal.

All right, so that's what you're gonna start figuring out. There's some things you might try because your partner is into it. Maybe it's a group experience. Maybe it is something that's a little more gender bending. What you might notice is that it's really about the person you're with. And even if you're only with one person, they might be different day to day, week to week, year to year.

Heather Shannon (12:23.214)

One of my clients recently was like, my husband's been lifting weights, and I'm kind of into it. They change. People change. Someone might go through a period where they're feeling really confident because things are going great at work, or maybe they reconnected with a long-lost loved one, and they're feeling more whole and complete. So things shift and change. Maybe they're going to therapy. They're doing the work.

So even with the same person, the dynamic can change. And so I'm a big energy person. so for me, I like nice looking people just like everyone else. But for me, it's the energy. It's like, OK, what are we kind of giving and receiving back to each other? Is there a flirtation there? Is it fun? Can we be playful? Right? And so you might notice that. Do you like a playful vibe? Or do you like a steamy, intense vibe? Right? Or do you kind of like

a more physically sexually focused vibe where it's like, let's just hit those erogenous zones and really focus on those physical sensations. Right? Are you somebody who's more about the emotional aspect of what's going on in your sex life? So there's nothing wrong here, but I think it's more about, let's start to identify sort of the emotional, the psychological, the physical.

categories that you can explore because sometimes we don't explore because yeah, maybe we're in our comfort zone, but we don't even know where to begin. So I at least want to give you guys a few ideas of here's where you can begin. Here's some things you can start exploring. I don't recommend that you go do like 10 different categories of sexual exploration in the next month, but pick one or two.

you know, from the things I say during this podcast or the scorecard download that I'm going to give you guys, pick one or two things to just push yourself a little bit out of the comfort zone. And I want to be clear what I mean by that, right? So the comfort zone is we feel totally safe. Our nervous systems are just at ease. We don't have to worry about a thing. I don't want you to go from a comfort zone to like, my God, I'm like in this unsafe situation and I don't know if I'm going to be OK.

Heather Shannon (14:45.992)

Not what we're talking about. But I do want you to take a step out of your comfort zone where you might be a little bit more activated in your nervous system. There's probably more uncertainty, more vulnerability, but you still feel safe. So that's what we're going for. That's sort of the sweet spot. I also want to add a little caveat here that this is not about forcing yourself to do something. It's not like, I'm...

because I've heard this from a couple of people lately, you oh, am I too vanilla from my partner? No, like you're perfect just as you are. There's no one right or wrong way to be a sexual being. You get to just be and do whatever works for you. So instead of feeling like I should, which I want you to notice if you're shutting yourself, instead, I'm going to invite you to notice what are you most curious about? Where do you feel most drawn?

Right. And it might be something that surprises you. It might be like, bondage. Am I trying that? Or, like hot wax and blindfolds. Let's see what happens there. Maybe it's something as simple as making out with your partner or incorporating some massage to kind of like warm up your bodies and your connection and relax a little bit before being sexual. So there's no one right or wrong way.

to do this and don't force it. A couple examples, so some of the people that are in my Pathway to Passion coaching program, of course I encourage people to get out of the comfort zone. It might be that they're doing something like adding a soft restraint system under their mattress where there's kind of these elastic restraints that they can just access easily without having to set it up every time. It could be going to

a swinger club or a sex party. If they're kind of curious about either a kink or a fantasy that's non-monogamous, or if they are just curious and want to be in sort of a sexually charged environment and see what does that feel like. It could be going to a sex toy store. I've shared on some other episodes that that was part of my journey when I was in my 30s and exploring things.

Heather Shannon (17:07.362)

to go and check out the sex toy store and see that the salespeople there not only are so nice and knowledgeable, but they are a great inspiration and example of how comfortable you can be talking about sex. Okay, so now we're gonna move on to step three. And so this is where we're kind of noticing the patterns and making sense of them. So this is kind of where the rubber meets the road here and you're gonna actually put things into action. So,

you're going to start looking at, what kind of did it for me and what didn't and what surprised me? You know, and it might be like, I thought I was into really masculine people, but there was something we did where my partner was in more of a feminine moment and that kind of did it for me and I didn't see that coming. Or I always saw myself as more of a submissive or bratty person, but I realized I do have a dominant side and I can enjoy that in sort of a different way. It could be that

Maybe your partner had a foot fetish and you finally explored it you're like, okay, maybe I don't share the foot fetish, but it feels really nice to get foot rubs or have my toes sucked. So see what surprises you. And then I would invite you to stay curious here and ask yourself why. And it could be like, it was surprising. It was different. It could be that it was the physical sensation of it. It could be seeing how into it your partner was.

So all of those are clues. It's kind of like we're on this treasure hunt for your best sex life and we're noticing all these clues along the way. And so if you're listening to this podcast, hopefully you're a sex nerd like me, and I would encourage you to take notes, fully lean into the sex nerd identity and take notes on like what excites you? Why does it excite you? And then if you're ever in a sexual lull, if you're just like, I don't know,

Refer back to it. I would say refer back to it quarterly at least and see, what is on here that we haven't really been exploring for a while? What is on here that deserves a little bit more attention or would add a little bit more excitement to our dynamic? The other thing I like about this, and we can't do this full thing in a podcast episode, but if a lot of you are into this concept and download the scorecard,

Heather Shannon (19:31.086)

I will reach out about doing like a program or a course where we can go through and create kind of the whole written manual about sexual self-discovery. And people will sometimes joke like, it's not like my partner comes with a manual. And my response is, but what if they did? So if that's something you guys are into, let me know. can feel free to comment on this as well and let me know. OK.

Factors that can influence what you're into. It could be the person, could be their physical appearance, it could be their humor, it could be a power exchange dynamic, it could be a sensuality, it could be an element of surprise with kind of what your partner contributed or did. There's so many things. So if there's something I've mentioned or mentioned in a few minutes,

that is not on your radar, put that on your radar. If you're like, I haven't thought about that aspect in a while, then maybe that's one of the things you should focus on in the next month.

Yeah, so you're building your own kind of treasure map. And then I encourage you to share it with your partner. Because part of why I wanted to make this episode is when someone says, I just want to please my partner, but I don't know what they like. And then the partner might be like, well, I don't know, I don't really like masturbate. And I like what you do. But maybe I'm not always getting off or maybe I'm just in my head a little bit. Or I'm so focused on pleasing you, I don't think about what I need. And so this

process of noticing our comfort zone noticing what we're curious about and looking for the patterns that's our opportunity to Just pause and be like what do I want? What does it for me? And I also want to say because there's so many people that I work with especially men who Get off on their partners Satisfaction who get off on their partners turn on and I just want to say like that's valid. You don't have to have

Heather Shannon (21:40.372)

separate things you get off on that aside from that. If that's genuinely what does it for you, I just want to validate that. I would still encourage you to be curious. Can you find one other thing that does it for you? And some of it might do it for you mentally. And just because you like the idea of something doesn't mean you're going to like it in practice. So that's part of the exploration too. Is it that you like the idea of taboo things, but doing like if you were to have sex in public, you might be like, I don't.

I actually want to take that risk. I like the idea of it. I like maybe incorporating that into our dirty talk, but maybe I don't want to do it. Great. Good to know. You're going to be paying attention to your body's responses as you're thinking about different aspects of sex, different sex acts. And then you're going to be noticing, does my stomach get fluttery? Do I get more tense? Do I really relax? Do I feel freer and less?

I'm not censoring myself as much. I'm giving myself more permission. So those are so many important, amazing aspects to focus on. So in conclusion, friends, your sexuality is actually, maybe surprisingly, not something you're supposed to already have figured out. I'm gonna say that again. You're not supposed to have your sexuality figured out.

It's something that is an ongoing process and journey and a relationship you have with your own sexuality over your lifetime. So this is the kind of work that we do here at Sex for Couples, understanding the psychology and the emotions of sex and how to create a sex life that actually works for you. So make sure you're following the show and that you've turned on notifications on YouTube. I thank you all for listening. It allows me to keep doing this and I will catch you next week.

for another episode of Sex for Couples. Bye, everybody.