Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the Upside to Grief.

My name is Story and I am your host.

And this week we are welcoming on Nanis to the podcast.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming on.

I'm really excited to share space with you and listen to what you have to say and share.

Yeah.

Who are we going to be talking about today?

So we're going to be talking about my uncle and his two kids.

Okay.

Their names were Maurilio, Marco Antonio and Mariana.

Okay.

Yeah.

They passed away June 26, 2012.

Okay.

And who were they?

So my uncle Maurilio, he's my mom's younger brother.

He was in my life since I was a kid.

I didn't always know my mom, but he was always around my dad, so he was like a second father to me.

And growing up, at some point he tried to adopt me when I was in high school.

Okay.

Yeah.

So he.

He's somebody very special in my life.

Yeah.

I mean, you gotta be very close for that.

Yeah, yeah.

He's also the person that introduced me to music.

Okay.

He was a very well known DJ here in San Diego.

He had taught me how to play the piano and how to use his DJ and just how to love and enjoy music.

I love that.

Yeah.

Oh, and then my cousins, well, thought they were his two kids.

He actually had another daughter who also passed away.

That was when I was 12.

But his son and daughter, Angelica and Tony, they were like the clowns of the family.

They were the party people.

Obviously.

My uncle was a dj, said they were always at parties and stuff, but they just brought so much life to our family.

Yeah, sounds like that.

And you guys all were in San Diego growing up?

Yes.

What is the.

So your cousins, how much?

What's the age gap there?

So they were about, I would say no more than 10 years younger than me.

Okay.

Tony, I would call him my little big cousin because he was younger than me, but he was way taller than me.

Okay.

Yeah, he was.

And then Angelica too.

She was.

They were just beautiful souls.

Yeah.

So, yeah, they were not that much younger, but they were younger.

Yeah.

And you said this happened in 2012.

Right.

So kind of.

Wow.

So how old were you when all of this happened?

Like in my early 20s.

Early 20s.

Okay.

And they were 16 and 11.

Okay.

So they were old enough.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

And so what happened?

So from.

I don't think we'll ever get the full truth, but what we were told is that my uncle took the lives of my cousins while they were asleep, and then he took his own life.

There was rumors circulating that him and his ex wife, which was my aunt, were separating.

And I guess he tried reaching out to everybody and nobody answered their phones.

And it was just a lot of weird stuff happening, he said, she said.

And it took the cops two days to find a suicide note in a car they had already searched.

It just didn't make any sense.

So I think everybody tried to put a story in their own head to just put peace to their hearts, you know, but to me it was.

I don't think, I don't think my uncle was capable of doing that because he was such a great father and he loved his kids and it just, the scene did not make any sense.

It seems like super out of character.

Definitely.

And out of like, I mean for somebody who's like the life of the family, party and stuff like that, that seems out of place.

Exactly.

It didn't make any sense.

And so his ex wife, they were together at the time when it happened or they were in the middle of separating, but they all lived together at that time, the four of them?

No.

So he was in the process of moving out.

He was actually staying at my mom's house.

Okay.

Yeah.

So it kind of hit my mom and my younger siblings a lot harder because they were living there as well and.

Cuz you had moved out at this point?

Yeah, I moved out when I was 15.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he was staying with my mom in the process that he was separating from her.

And the thing about it is that he was selling a lot of his furniture and he had sold me like an entertainment center and I had given him half of it and I was supposed to give him the other half the day that it happened.

So you know, he would come to my house, he would come to where I was staying at for like four weeks.

He was coming over.

I thought he was just coming over to hang out with my in law because he was also a dj.

So I thought they were just sharing equipment or music or whatever.

Come to find out that the gun he used he purchased for my father in law.

So it made everything even more weird.

Oh yeah, I didn't know, but I don't know.

It's.

It's weird because four days before it happened, I just started feeling weird around my uncle.

Like I felt angry at him and I didn't understand why.

And usually whenever my uncle comes around, I'm excited, I want to go give him a hug.

And the guy I was with at the time, he was like, hey, don't be rude, go Say bye to your uncle.

And I was like, nah, I'll talk to him later.

And the day that he had come over, when you thought he was sharing music.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So he would come once a week for four weeks before he passed.

Okay.

And I thought it was normal, like getting equipment, because, you know, they would.

Yeah, you know, they're DJs.

But I never thought it was because he purchased the gun from him until we found out that's where he got it.

And so then you.

You didn't say by that time?

No.

The very last time that I said goodbye to him was about three days after it happened.

He came and I never knew it was going to be the last time I said goodbye to my cousin either.

They.

We were standing outside, and even though I still felt mad at him, I don't know why, something told me, go give him a hug.

So I was like, all right.

All right, Bye, Theo.

I'm going to see you tomorrow.

No, I told him, I'm going to see you in a couple of days so I can give you the rest of the money.

For what?

I'm the entertainment center.

Right.

And he's like, all right.

So he hugged me really tight, and it just.

Something felt weird, you know?

And then with my cousin, too, it was his first time carrying one of my kids.

He was always afraid of holding babies, and he.

He held on to my son Jason, who was like four months at the time, and he just gave him this cute little hug and hugged him, like, you know, cute little caress or whatever.

And that was the last time I saw the both of them alive.

My cousin Angelica, I hadn't seen her, like two weeks prior to that, but I knew they were okay.

They were at my mom's house, you know, and we occasionally saw them when they had parties or whatever.

Yeah.

And so your uncle was staying at your mom's, but the kids were staying at your mom's, too.

So all three of them were at your mom's house?

Yes.

Okay, so where did it happen then?

It happened in a hotel.

Okay.

Because their house was no more.

The house the four of them used to live in together was non existent anymore because they had been going through the separation.

The apartment was still there.

They were still moving stuff out of it.

I don't know where she was staying at, but he was staying with my mom and they were moving things out.

But apparently where it happened was in a hotel in National City.

Okay.

It was called.

What is it called?

Paradise Hotel.

Okay.

Weird name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how did you find Out.

So I remember waking up that morning, it was around 9am and I put on, you know, the TV, you could put music videos on.

And the song Titanium had just came out.

And that's ironic because of the song that I was playing, you know, bulletproof and whatnot.

And then my phone rings and it's my mom.

And she's like, I need you to come to my house immediately and just come by yourself.

Don't bring the kids.

And I said, okay.

So then I hung up with her and I started driving down there.

I live in Logan at the time, and she lives in National City.

So as I'm driving down there, I actually drive past the hotel and I saw a bunch of commotion happening.

And something in my heart told me it was my cousin and my uncle.

And in my head I'm over here praying like, God, whatever it is, you know, just let it be something that our family can get through.

Because I know my uncle has a motorcycle.

So I'm like, he might have gotten into a motorcycle accident or a car accident or something.

So I'm trying to bribe God over here on my way to my mom's house.

And sure enough, when I get there, half of my family's already there crying.

Oh, shit.

And the only person I didn't see there was my brother and my uncle and my grandparents.

So my.

We had just found out my grandma had cancer about a week ago before that.

So I was like, what's going on?

Where's my grandparents?

Where.

Where's Israel?

Where's my brother?

And, like, nobody's telling me anything.

And then finally my sister, she drops down to her knees and just screams.

She's like, they're dead.

And I was like, who's dead?

And she's like, I'm sorry.

It's just.

She said, tony and Angelica are dead.

And I was like, what do you mean?

And she's like, he killed them.

I was like, who did?

And she's like, my uncle did.

And I was like, you're lying.

What happened?

Did they get in a car accident or what?

And she's like, he shot them in their sleep.

And I just didn't want to believe her.

So I get out of my mom's house.

I, you know, went outside, start calling him on the cell phone, and he's not answering my call.

And then my uncle, the youngest one, follows me, and he's like, telling me to calm down, and he's like, it's true, it's true.

And I was like, no, you guys are lying.

I didn't want to accept it, you know?

And at this point, we had already walked around the corner of my mom's house, and then they're like, oh, he's here.

Which is my brother.

And then I walk back to my mom's house, and they tell my brother the news.

And when I saw my brother break down, that's when I started to, like, process.

Like, okay, this is really happening.

Like, this is real.

And so it was just so much happening and a lot of thoughts in my head, but I'm still there calling my uncle's phone, like, come on.

Like, hoping he'll answer.

And they told us that we all had to go to the police department.

And I was like, what's happening?

So we.

We all drove the whole family and we drove to the National City Police Department as soon as we got there.

My uncle's ex.

Partner, my aunt, she was there with her family, but they didn't even.

I ran to her, and everybody held me back.

They didn't let me touch her.

They didn't let me.

Her family or your family held you back?

The police.

Oh, the police held you back?

They separated us.

They divided us, her family and ours.

And we were like, what is happening?

Like, we just all lost people here.

Like, that's our family, too.

And they just turned their backs on us, like we did something wrong.

And it just.

It didn't make any sense to me because just like, my uncle was like my father to me, she was like a second mom to me, you know?

And for her not to even acknowledge my existence, it really hurt, you know?

So we're there at the police station.

They have us in this big old conference room.

Her family on that side, our family on this side.

And they're just pulling us one at a time to start questioning us.

And that's when they start, you know, telling stories about what had happened.

And everybody was saying, like, all my uncles and aunts were saying that how they all had missed calls from my uncle probably the night prior.

And they were all like, I should have answered.

I should have answered.

And I'm still, like, trying to process what's going on.

And literally, the hotel is a.

A block away from.

From the police station.

Yes.

And we ran down there, and it was packed, News people everywhere.

Like, it was.

It was crazy.

And they did.

They pulled us all one by one, and they started questioning us.

But for me, it got harder because they already knew my uncle had purchased the gun from where.

And my address came up, and they're

like, did you know they already knew that.

Yeah, by the time you went in the room, they, like, they told you that or what?

Yeah, they were interrogating me and I, like, I just found out my uncle died.

Like, what's happen?

Am I under arrest?

Like, did I do something wrong?

And they're like, I need you to give me the guy's name and what are you even talking about?

Like, there's no weapons there.

Like, I didn't even know until they told me.

Yeah, it caused so much problems for me with my in laws because they thought I snitched him out.

And I was like, first of all, they told me you sold my uncle the gun.

Like, what are you doing with a gun in the first place?

You know?

But yeah, after they were interrogating us a lot.

Finally, when they let me out, my grandparents get there.

And I think that was like one of the hardest things to watch was my grandparents finding out.

Like I said, my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer.

So when they sat her down and they told her what had happened, they had.

They had to.

That's her son.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, yeah.

That was the son she was closest to.

Yeah.

She got really sick and they had to call an ambulance.

And my grandfather wanted to look like.

He looked like he was about to fall apart, but he stayed very strong.

And he was so mad.

He's like, why did he have to do this?

Why do you have to take the kids?

Like, I know a lot of people are just angry the most because of my cousins, you know.

Yeah.

And that was one of the hardest things I had to watch because my whole family's falling apart.

My mom, my sister, my older brother, my uncles, my aunts.

And the only two people that I noticed throughout this whole time that didn't break down or cry was my younger brother and my grandpa.

Like, to this day, my little brother, he's just.

He's a strong person.

How old was your little brother at the time?

I think he was like.

I think he was like maybe 10 or 11.

That's pretty hug.

Yeah.

And he was living with them.

You know, he shared the same space with them and they were just so close, you know?

And I know it hit him the hardest as well because he was living there.

But he never showed that.

He never.

He was a strong.

He was a strong one.

Him and my grandfather were.

But after all that happened, you know, they had like lighting vigils or whatever.

So I decided to go to one of them, which was at the hotel, and that's where things started to not make sense to me.

Like, I. I kicked everybody out.

It was a bunch of kids just for social media, trying to take pictures.

And I'm like, this is.

This is disrespectful.

You know, somebody's family just passed, and you guys are just trying to post pictures on media with blood and this and that.

I told everybody to leave, and then I went to go ask the hotel owners if I could have some time alone there, and they said it was fine.

And the guy was like, you know, I'm really sorry for your loss.

We didn't know kids were involved because when your uncle checked in, he came in with another person, like a man.

And I'm like, what?

They're like, yeah, we didn't know about the kids until we heard it on the news.

And I was like, wow, okay.

How could you.

How could they not know when he

checked in, he checked in with another man?

So they didn't even know that the kids were there when he checked in.

And the cops never.

That never got brought up or what?

Like, I said that there's a lot of shady stuff that happened there.

I feel like a lot of the way they handled the death, I don't feel like it was investigated enough.

And I feel like my family didn't try their hardest because of their status.

Like, they kind of questioned everybody, hit a bunch of dead ends, and then didn't keep going type of situation or.

What do you mean?

I don't think they wanted to deal with the cops because.

Oh, you don't think your family wanted

to deal with the cops because of their status?

So they were.

A lot of.

My family is undocumented at the time.

Got it.

So it's like, it made me angry because I feel like they could have gotten more answers, but because they didn't know they could or whatever.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So unfortunately.

But that's what the hotel owner told me, and so I went in there after he told me it was okay to go in and get in the room.

Yes.

And it didn't make any sense to me.

It did not make any sense to me because that did not look like somebody shot somebody in their sleep and then took their own life.

It looked like somebody in there, like, struggled and had a fight.

So when you went in, can you walk me through that, that experience for you?

So pretend I'm walking in through that door.

There was blood splatter all over the window and the curtains, and there was a mirror with a desk and a chair.

There was a bunch of blood here.

Again, like somebody was Fighting, like, hands, fist.

Where my uncle's body was found, it

looked like a struggle.

A struggle, exactly.

And then in the bathroom, like if they just wiped their hands, left the rag there.

And then on the floor where my uncle's body was found, that's the puddle of his blood.

They took out the mattress where my cousin's bodies were at.

However, the headboard was full of dust.

No blood, splatter, no brain matter, nothing.

So I'm like, where's.

Where's the rest of the.

You know what I mean?

Like, it didn't make any sense to me.

And then, you know, those walls are thin.

The people that were next door, they're like, we didn't hear no gunshots.

And the type of gun.

I don't know anything about guns, but based on the description of the gun, it's a loud gun, and it would have blown your face off.

So I'm like, this is not making sense to me.

And then, not only that, but my cousin, he had Facebook, and the night before he passed away, his last post was, marco Jaimes is now dead the night before he passed away.

And we're like, why would he post that?

Or who posted that?

You know what I mean?

It didn't make any sense to me.

Yeah, that's weird.

Yeah.

And then they had already, like, searched everything.

Their house, the apartment that they were moving out of.

They didn't find anything.

They had already searched this vehicle that was parked outside the hotel.

And two days later, they look again, and in the glove department, they find a suicide note.

That doesn't make any sense.

That's a stretch.

I feel like.

Yeah, it's.

It didn't make any sense.

At least to me.

It didn't.

Like.

And then obviously, I feel like it had a lot to do with money.

My uncle had his assets and this DJ and everything.

She kept everything.

And then my mom was the one that was doing the most investigating, and I.

She was bringing all this to the detectives, and they weren't really doing anything about it.

Again, I don't know why.

It turns out that all the money that was given to my ex aunt, she was always posting that they were at parties, they were like, blowing all the money, going to the casinos and stuff.

And so my mom was like, does this look like somebody who's grieving to you?

She's just lost her two kids.

She's just lost the person she was with for almost like 25 years.

And I was like, no, it doesn't.

It doesn't look like she's grieving you know, and somebody had.

Oh, she had.

The woman had posted on her, on her thing and she said, we succeeded, we won.

It was like a cryptic message, like, what is that supposed to mean?

What did you succeed at?

You know, and then blowing all that money that you got?

Because my uncle passed.

Yeah, so.

And you guys aren't in contact with them anymore?

No, not anymore.

I went off on her.

I did.

I sent her a message and then I apologized when I came to my senses and I was like, maybe that wasn't really nice of me to say.

It took me like five years to later on reach out and apologize because I'm like, you know what?

She lost her kids, you know, maybe, maybe it's not what I think it is.

And then she had a kid, so turns out she was pregnant.

Right after we found out my cousins and my uncle passed.

She was pregnant.

And I don't know if that was my uncle's baby or not, so.

And I asked her, is that my cousin?

If that's the only thing we have left of my uncle, can we at least see him?

And she's like, no, it's not his, it's not his.

He kind of looks like my 14 year old son.

So.

I don't know, it's.

It's a weird, it's a weird thing to deal with because we don't know the truth.

Yeah, we're told one thing, but we believe and feel another.

Yeah, that's rough.

I mean, not that you ever get like any kind of full closure or anything, but it just seems like, I mean, you guys didn't get much of any type of closure and a lot of open ended questions still.

Yeah, they did a one autopsy on my uncle and they did say that he had like a crack to his skull.

And when I saw him at the, at the altar of the viewing, like he looked all bruised, like beat up.

And I was like, this doesn't like, look, this doesn't make sense.

But then when they were going to ask for a second autopsy, one of my uncles decided to have him cremated.

And I was so pissed.

I was like, what?

Like, it just made me so mad because I feel like our generation, the younger ones, we didn't really get to have a say, you know, and what was going on.

Yeah, and we could have definitely fought a lot harder for him, but they just didn't let us.

Yeah, well, I mean, like still being in your early 20s too, that's still young, you know what I mean?

It's hard to know what to do in Those situations.

And then, you know.

Yeah, I definitely spiraled out.

My life really, like, took a toll after that happened.

Spiraled afterwards.

Yeah, I made very compulsive decisions, and it was all bad.

I strayed away from my faith.

Started drinking heavily.

I was just trying to find any way to feel anything.

But the grief that I was feeling because hurt too much.

Especially after going in the hotel.

Like, I had nightmares for five years.

Every day the same nightmare.

And it's like walking in there, but actually seeing from their eyes what was happening.

And my uncle just, like, telling me, pointing at something, and I'm like, what are you trying to show me?

What is it?

What is it?

Every night for five years.

And it just sucked because I just wanted it to stop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it took a while.

Like, I can talk about it a little bit better now without crying, but it was hard because it was so public.

Yeah.

The viewing from my cousins.

Oh, my gosh.

Like, there was thousands of people there.

And the news people were there, too.

And there was, like, no.

No privacy.

No.

Like, I. I didn't even get to enjoy, like, the viewing, like, the, you know, getting to say goodbye to them.

You know, it was more like, okay, you don't take any pictures.

Go that way.

You know what I mean?

Like, I felt like security guard.

Yeah.

And people that we didn't even know because they were really popular, too.

He was.

He was a.

He was a popular kid in high school and all the parties they DJed at, so he had a lot of friends.

And then my uncle's viewing, that one was the hardest.

I didn't even make it all the way to the end.

I had to be escorted out because it was too much for me.

Like, I wanted to believe.

Like, okay, it's not them.

This is all a lie.

I don't know.

Whatever.

And when I saw my cousins, I knew it was them.

You know, they looked peaceful.

They looked like they were asleep.

But then when I saw my uncle and I was walking up halfway, I just took a look at his hands, and I knew it was him.

I couldn't even try to make anything up.

Like, oh, that's not him.

I knew it was him just by looking at his hand.

And he had his leather jacket on.

I broke down right there in the middle of walking up to him.

And my brother, my little brother, he walked me out and helped me calm down.

And every time I tried to make it up there, I couldn't.

I just couldn't say goodbye to him.

And I hate it.

And I kind of Regret that I didn't stay all the way to the end, but I just physically and spiritually could not say goodbye to my uncle.

It was, I just felt like it wasn't time.

Mm.

But I feel like I said goodbye to him maybe like five years ago.

You know, it took me that long to finally process it and accept it.

And it was a long time.

And so when you say you did that five years ago, so that put us at like 20.

20, 2021.

Right.

And this happened in 2012.

So there's a pretty big gap of time in between there.

When you say that, what does that look like for you?

Like, what did you do in between all that time?

No, no, no, no.

What?

Five years ago when you said you did say goodbye, like, how did you do that?

Like, so it happened the year that my grandfather died.

Because I knew that if I didn't accept the deaths the way cuz from when my grandfather died, we celebrated his life.

Okay, and this was five years ago.

Yes.

Okay.

And we celebrated his life cuz he did so much good.

Right.

And I.

And I had to put it in that perspective.

Like, it's sad and it's hurtful.

The way my uncle left this world.

It hurt all of us.

All of us.

A lot of people, even people that aren't in our family, you know, So I had to like, remember him in a way that was good instead of hurting.

So just when my grandfather left, they were both two most important men in my life, including my older brother.

And.

And that scares me too.

Like my older brother, like I.

Like, that's the last person I have left.

You know what I mean?

So, yeah, the year my grandfather died, I knew that if I didn't process it and accept it, my life would spiral down worse than it was because I was at the early part of my recovery as well.

That's when I decided to get clean.

So do you almost think your grandfather's passing was.

Or your grandfather's passing was kind of like a.

A wake up call in a sense on how to.

Live with your grief or get closure to it or incorporate it into your life or like, what, what is it to you?

I always say that my grandfather was the ultimate sacrifice to me.

Getting better mentally and physically.

Because, you know, I was an addict.

I've dealt with a lot of trauma, so I've self medicated for a long time.

So when my uncle died, that was the worst part of it.

And when my grandfather died, it was like I.

When I found out he was dying, I had relapsed but then I was like.

I thought about when my uncle died and how bad my life, how bad it got.

Yeah.

And I was like, you only have your grandfather maybe a day, maybe two days, maybe a week.

Is this really how you want to go down that road again?

Or.

Or do you want to, like, you have to, like, thug it out, you have to stay sober and you have to go through it.

And I did.

It was the hardest thing to ever do.

And I remembered because the last moments that I saw my uncle, I felt angry because I feel like my spirit knew he was leaving, but I couldn't understand why I was so upset at him.

So this time around, I knew that my grandfather was going to leave.

You felt that?

I felt, yeah.

So it's like.

And it was like in your bones, you were like, I have to do this.

Like, this isn't a choice.

And it was hard.

Yeah.

When I didn't have a chance with my uncle because that happened.

Like, nobody planned that.

But with my grandpa, I knew it was happening.

So it's like just remembering back with my uncle, I was like, I don't want to go through this again.

Like, I'm going to get lost and I'm probably not going to come back from this, you know?

And yeah, it sucked because losing my grandfather, I think hurt as much as my uncle, but it didn't hurt grieve as bad.

I don't think I have grieved my grandfather's death yet, actually.

Well, and I think thing too is that not necessarily to compare our griefs of, you know, like, as bad or as intense or.

Because every.

Every relationship we have is different.

So anytime soon somebody is removed from that equation, whether that's by death or divorce or moving away.

What.

Whatever.

You know, grief, they're all different.

Yeah.

So I don't think there's like, a way for us to compare them, you know, But I.

But I mean, like, I get what you're saying though, right?

Like, I mean, there are things in my life where I'm like, this one.

Really?

This.

This shit fucked me up.

Like, this one was fine, but I'm like, you know, I try not to, like.

Yeah.

Measure.

Yeah.

Them.

Because they're all independent from each other,

if that makes sense.

I just didn't want to go down the same path.

Yeah, no, absolutely.

You were like, okay, we need to do something.

Two most important men in my life.

And the first one messed me up bad.

So I knew for the second one I had to brace myself, prepare myself.

Yeah.

And you said, you don't feel like you've processed it yet.

My uncles or my grandfathers.

Your grandfathers.

I haven't.

It's.

It's.

I think it's because of.

I'm going on five years clean, so it's like, still learning how to process emotion.

Usually, you know, if I'm angry, if I'm mad, if I'm sad, I'm going to go get high real quick.

I don't ever know what it was to feel anything.

So.

Sobering up the same month my grandfather passed because I.

My clean date is August 13th, and he passed 10 days after.

It's new.

And it's.

I cry a lot, too, but I have.

I've only cried like, three or four times, but it's.

I feel like I'm doing exactly what he wanted me to do.

That's how I feel.

Like I'm kind of grieving him because he.

He migrated over here to the US for.

For our family to have a better life.

And I think that's why I push myself so hard when it comes to school and working and accomplishing goals, because this is what my grandfather wanted for us.

Yeah.

So I feel like this is just my way of grieving him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, living, like, having him live through you intentionally.

Yeah.

With, like, your actions and your choices.

Yeah.

And I know that, like, towards the end, he.

He lives his life, you know, and he was happy where I was at.

Like, he knew he was dying.

When he.

When he told me, he.

He told me, like, around.

In.

Around May, and he passed in August, so he already told me.

And that's when I had introduced him to my now husband, and he's like, I know you're in good hands.

Your uncle and I are proud.

Like, that was their biggest worry is that because they know I'm a handful, and they know, like, yeah, they know I'm a handful.

They know my temper.

They know my attitudes, my behavior, and they're just, like, they were always worried, and they've known my past relationships, so they were just always worried that I would fall into the wrong hands again or, you know, another bad cycle.

And he met my now husband.

And it's crazy because the last time we went to go see my grandpa at the hospital, he didn't recognize me.

He thought I was my daughter, but he recognized my husband.

And I was like, all right, I'll take that.

So I think it's.

That's why I don't really grieve him.

And I just feel his energy around all the time, you know?

So it's just not a sad grieving.

Yeah.

Because I knew it was, you know, his end of time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just different.

Right.

And I think that goes to say, like, not.

Not all grieving is sad.

Yeah.

There's a lot of sad stuff, but it's so much more than that, you

know, it's just not as traumatizing.

Yeah.

Yeah, that.

I mean, going through all of that with your whole family, that's super traumatizing.

Absolutely.

On so many different levels.

Yeah.

It divided the whole family because my uncle was the one that kept the glue.

Yeah.

He was, like everybody's favorite.

My favorite uncle, the favorite son, the favorite brother, the kids, too.

So then for something that drastic to happen, it's like a whole branch of

our family tree was taken.

Explosion.

And then dealing with my grandmother's cancer, too.

So it all happened that same year.

And I knew.

I knew that with this event happening that she wouldn't have the strength to fight her cancer.

So she only survived, like, two years after that.

Yeah.

She just gave up her will.

That was her favorite kid, to be honest.

Yeah.

And she had him.

She had him in her house for the time she was there because they had him cremated, obviously, and then they finally put him at the cemetery.

Well, both my grandparents and my uncle are in the same cemetery now, but it took a while to get them all there.

Yeah.

And it's weird, too, because on my cousin's gravestone, they didn't even put their last name.

They put the woman's last name.

That's how petty they were.

Her fam.

Their family.

Yeah.

But that's not their name.

I was like, who?

Who's.

Why would they do that?

You know?

It's all right.

You know, we all know they're gonna be high.

Yes.

Till the end.

Which was also, like, ironic because the kids wanted to stay with my mom.

They didn't want to.

They wanted to be with their dad.

Yeah.

They didn't want to be with their mom.

So I guess their story speaks loudly as well.

Yeah, they were.

They were all good, though.

Always laughing, always dancing, music and partying.

Same with my uncle.

He had such a beautiful voice.

He always had a tendency to.

My family has a thing to sing karaoke every time.

They have, like, family getting togethers.

And my uncle had the most beautiful voice.

Do you remember what he would sing?

Like, Mexican music, mostly.

I know.

Like, there's a group called Conjunto Primavera.

Okay.

There's a guy.

The main guy who sings sounds exactly like my uncle, so I know that there's times, whenever.

Like, let me tell you, like, when he passed away, I could not listen to any kind of music.

Yeah.

I was gonna say, there's probably certain songs that come on then where you're

like, no, I could not listen to anything.

Nope, nothing.

It just.

It would make me.

So I connected with music with my uncle.

Like, he.

I have musical notes on my feet.

I have musical notes on my arm.

Like.

But when he passed, it took me, like, seven years for me to actually start listening to music again.

And when I hear that group, that artist sing, I kind of like, oh, change the music real quick because it sounds like him.

And, yeah, it's tough.

Do you still change the music?

Sometimes I do.

Or I just skip it.

I'm like, ah, not today.

Not today.

But sometimes.

Do you listen?

No, no, no.

I tried to one time to be brave.

Maybe like, two months ago around my birthday.

Yeah, around my birthday time.

Because every birthday, they never failed to call me.

It was like they were all playing a game, See, who called me first?

It was always my grandpa.

My grandpa was always the first one to call me.

And I tried to listen to the music, but it's.

I just can't.

That's okay.

Yeah.

And he loved wolves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I actually have a tattoo of a wolf on my forearm.

I love that.

Yeah.

I think my whole family got the same one, but mine has a little bit more detail to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't even know that.

And the same girl who tattooed me tattooed all of them.

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty funny.

That is funny.

Yeah.

Well, it sounds like they were pretty special people.

Yeah.

Really sucks.

I had my wedding last year, and it didn't go as planned.

I was like, my grandpa's gonna walk me down the aisle.

My uncle's gonna be the DJ at my party.

It didn't work out like that, but I knew they were there.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But it's hard in those things, you know?

Like.

Right.

We can.

Some of us can know that people are with us spiritually, but it can also still suck at the same time that they're not there physically, you know, because there's times where, like, I know when Ken's with me, but I might be like, you know, I feel like sometimes if I don't say specifically, like, I wish you were here physically with me, then somebody will be like, they're with you.

And I'm like, can you just not, like, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know.

And I get Kind of frustrated sometimes when I'm like, I don't really feel like I need to specify that every single time I say that I miss him.

Like, I miss him physically.

Like, do you want me to say, like, I miss him spiritually?

Do you want.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't, I don't know, but

I know the day that I felt my uncle's presence the strongest was the day I passed my motorcycle skills test, because that was something him and I were supposed to do.

He was going to teach me how to ride a motorcycle.

That was recently, right?

Yeah, it was a couple years ago.

And I didn't trust anybody to teach me.

Right.

But my husband, he's actually a really good driver.

So he, he taught me and we went to, you know, do those motorcycle courses and I passed them.

And I remember that feeling that I got.

It was like a very sweet.

Like, I cried, but it wasn't like, sad.

I was like, happy because I felt he was there.

Like, he was proud of me because he knew that the person who taught me did well.

And I tell my husband all the time.

I was like, you and my uncle would get along so well because they have so much in common.

And it's, it's, it's.

I don't know, it makes me sad sometimes because I'm like, ah, you guys could have done this, or I know he'd be so happy, are proud of me right now.

Like, just so many things, you know, so many things that we look forward to that he, he always believed in me, you know, Like I said not to talk bad about my mom, but she wasn't always the best person in my life.

And her brother, my uncle, tried to adopt me and he always looked out for me since I was a little girl.

Like, there's pictures when I was like a little 2, 3 year old and I was always there.

Even when he had his kids, he always, never treated me different.

Like, he always made me feel special, you know, and seen and understood.

Like, no matter what, even when I was a teenager, my mom would always be like, oh, you don't know her.

She's doing this, this and that.

He's like, no, that's not who she is.

This is not.

I don't believe you.

Like, he always, he saw me for who I was, you know, and he understood me.

So we would always talk about my future.

And even though I started a little late because I was a mom for a long time, I know that he'd be really proud of me.

Yeah.

Including like public Speaking and stuff.

Because I'm not like them.

I'm more shy and they're very outspoken people.

Like, they were always like the center of the tension and I was always in the background just trying to hide.

Yeah.

They're probably like, see, we always knew you had it in you.

It's in your blood.

Because I was always hanging around with them, but I was always an introvert, you know?

Yeah.

But they would always be like, come on, come on.

Like they always.

I would only act like that around them, but they.

Yeah, but maybe that's a little bit of them living through you.

Like living through you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do miss them though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like one of my boys looks like my cousin Tony and then like my.

My six year old daughter looks like Angelica a little bit.

Yeah.

Our genes are pretty strong, so.

Yeah.

Catch little glimpses of them.

Yeah.

My older brother looks like my uncle a lot.

Especially now that he's getting older.

He's starting to look like my uncle did the age that he passed.

So it's a little scary too.

I get a little emotional whenever I see my brother.

Like my wedding, I was like, okay, my uncle might not be here, but it kind of feels like he is because you just look kind of like him, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that was pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

Is there anything else you want to share about what you have going on now or different things with grief and how that plays a part in your life?

Well, no, I think I handle it differently.

Like I said, I'm sober now.

I am in a better head space.

I don't drink, I don't do drugs.

I go to church.

I have a relationship with God.

I pray a lot.

You know, I started journaling.

Whatever thoughts or things I want to my loved ones to hear, I just write it down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those are all great tools.

I wish I would journal more.

It's so helpful.

It is.

I.

My hand gets tired sometimes.

I'll just put it on my phone.

On them Samsung notes.

Yeah.

It's a lot easier just talk to.

Just talk into it.

Yeah.

But I swear there's something therapeutic about putting pen to paper, man.

Yeah, there really is.

And every time I get myself to go do it, I'm always like so grateful that I did it and I'm like, yeah, so I should do it more.

Feels a lot better.

Yeah.

And obviously knowing that you don't go through it alone.

A lot of people are going through something, you know, and sometimes you sharing or you listening can help someone you know, like.

Like I shared earlier, you know, I have family members who are still grieving.

Yeah.

And it's been a long time, you know.

Well, I don't think there's.

I don't think grief ends.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess it all depends on situations, but I believe it is one of those things that can go on for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

Now, I try to get a tattoo every year to remember that.

That's my way of dealing with grief.

No, really, though, you know, run out of space.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing.

Thanks for having me.

It was really great to hear your story and get to know pieces of you and your family, and thank you.

All of that.

So I'm glad I didn't break down like I normally do.

That means I'm healed a little bit.

That's it.

It comes in waves.

Right.

I'm probably gonna go home and cry.

You're like, I'm not breaking down right now, but maybe.

Maybe later.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

And if you guys, you know, felt like her story resonated with you, Nani is going to be joining us again next week.

We are going to do some grief deck polls.

We're going to be featuring Dr. Karen's grief deck on our segment next week.

So hopefully we will see you guys next week for that as well.

And again, Nanis, thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

Absolutely.

We'll see you guys next week.

Bye.