Heather Shannon (00:01.528)

This is an episode for anyone who is not feeling sexually desired by their partner. You can have a partner who loves you, who tells you that you're good looking, who appreciates the efforts that you make, and somehow you still don't actually feel desired. There's something about sexual attraction and feeling wanted that fills our fuel tank and boosts our self-esteem and puts just a little pep in our step in a different way

than compliments or gestures do. But it can feel elusive and out of our control to make that happen.

Heather Shannon (00:42.985)

Ahem.

As a certified sex therapist and intimacy coach, I see this all the time with my clients. Both partners show up to our calls and they love each other and they prioritize each other. But a lot of times one or both of them just aren't as interested in sex per se. And that leaves their partner feeling unwanted and sometimes even believing they're not loved. And it's how people interpret and receive desire and the source of that desire that caused the problem.

So in this episode, you'll understand why feeling desired can be surprisingly complicated and what shifts internally so that your partner's attraction actually lands instead of kind of bouncing off of you. I'm going to walk you through three psychological patterns that block people from feeling desired and how to change your relationship with desire so that it starts landing again and feeling exciting. So.

I'm going to explain the reasoning for this episode. Then I'll take you through those three reasons that I mentioned. And the last one especially is going to help you see how this plays out in a practical way in your relationship. So most of the clients I work with have a strong idea of what desire should look like in practice. So slow seduction, flirting, touching, passionately claiming each other's bodies. But when that isn't happening,

as often as they'd like, they can wind up feeling rejected, unloved, alone, demotivated, and sometimes withdrawn. So this isn't only a sex issue, it's actually a perception problem. So your partner does appreciate you and probably thinks you're pretty cute, but you might not actually be receiving the love and the admiration and the appreciation that they're sending your way.

Heather Shannon (02:41.196)

So the first thing I want to discuss with this is the idea of an internal versus an external locus of control, to use some psychology terms. So if you're dependent on someone else following your sort of invisible behavioral manual of how a partner should behave in a romantic relationship in order for you to feel wanted, you're setting yourself up for frustration,

and disappointment and anxiety and all sorts of other things that don't feel as good. Now, at the same time, we all do it, right? So I think we have to be really honest with ourselves, right? I certainly have preferences for how people should behave. I think I've started letting go of expectations and just seeing how people show up and accepting them where they're at, but that takes practice. So...

Thinking that our well-being depends on something or someone outside of ourselves means that we've basically given up control. So we have an external locus of control. We think that people and things outside of ourselves are going to dictate how we feel. And when we have that external locus of control, that tends to put us in a victim mentality, which is honestly pretty unsexy and certainly does not contribute to us feeling wanted.

So if you're in victim mode, how are you showing up? You're probably acting needy, you're acting insecure. You might share your feelings and try to be constructive about it. But then you're often kind of putting it on your partner to make you feel better with because again, external locus of control. You might be a little whiny or pouty.

Um, you might just directly ask for what you want, but that can also, there's a version of that where we're almost like begging for what you want. Like, please just make me feel desired. Um, you might also withdraw and kind of go into your turtle shells, I like to say. So when you're doing those things, the things that are within your control, are you creating, um, a higher likelihood of being desired or are you showing up in a way that's

Heather Shannon (04:56.76)

probably less desirable for your partner or for most people. And it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to be needy once in a while or share, of course, share your feelings. But if you look at, am I showing up as my best self? And I think the more important question, am I desiring myself? Do I like how I feel when I'm showing up this way? Do I think I'm showing up in a way that feels attractive to me?

And so, and then we're also, there's a lot of layers to this one, we're also creating that anxiety because we're attaching to an outcome. So we have a certain way that we think things should be. We have a set of behaviors we think our partner should do to make us feel a certain way. And the crazy thing is, nobody can make us feel a certain way, right? If your partner says, oh yeah, I like that outfit.

to 100 different people, they're gonna all have kind of a slightly different variation of an internal reaction. Some people might be like, thank you, I've been upgrading my style and you noticed, I feel noticed and seen. Other people might be like, what, does that mean you didn't like the other ones I was wearing this week? This is the only one you said anything about, and know, and get defensive. It's like, you didn't say anything before. Or they might think, you're just giving me compliments because I told you I wanted more compliments and it's not authentic. So.

the thoughts that you have, the way you receive whatever your partner is bringing to you are going to impact how you feel. And that's not to say that people should be jerks and you should feel wonderful. Again, go back to how do you want to show up? What does your best self look like? And best selves typically have some boundaries. So I want to be clear about that.

Again, we're creating a pattern of feeling less wanted and desired when we're showing up this way. And if we contrast that with an internal locus of control, that's where you are taking radical responsibility. That's where you are looking at, okay, I can't control my partner, I can't control other people. But I can work on the things I'm saying to myself, I can think back to times where I felt sexy, where I felt wanted, where I felt like

Heather Shannon (07:16.27)

I've still got it or I'm a hot commodity, however you like to think of yourself and what makes you feel confident is what we're going for here. And to think, oh, what did I think in that moment? And so this is something I've done. And I thought about a past relationship in which I just felt like the sexiest woman alive. I was just like, oh my God, I'm so amazing. And what was interesting was I think I had credited

that ex boyfriend with how great I was feeling. Did he nurture that? Sure, of course. But what I realized was that it was my thoughts that actually made me feel sexy. Because his thoughts can't just magically go into my brain. Do they influence my brain? Do they influence my thoughts? Sure, but it was still my thoughts. I was the one that was like, yeah, I'm so sexually creative. I look great in this outfit.

I, whatever it is, it's just like, okay, I'm very in touch with my sexual energy. And so was those thoughts that made me feel great. So that's important to realize that whether it's kind of stuff that feels good or stuff that doesn't feel as good coming to us from our partner, it's still our thoughts at the end of the day that are connecting us to different emotional states.

So the reframe here is if you don't expect other people to meet your needs and instead focus on meeting your own, know, like be the partner you want to have to yourself, you'll ironically probably get more from other people, more of them pouring into you, more of your romantic partner desiring you. And you could probably think back to times in your life where you've experienced that, times where you were like, you know, I'm going to start going to the gym more.

and then your confidence boosted.

Heather Shannon (09:11.655)

Okay, cut that out

BLEH

Heather Shannon (09:29.454)

And then because you're feeling more confident maybe than you are putting your best foot forward with the way you're doing your hair or your outfits or your competence in approaching people. And so it can have this really great ripple effect. And then when you're showing up in the world with that confidence, people sense that and want to be around it and want to interact with you. OK.

So think about your thoughts, get curious about them, write them down and start taking ownership of them. That's wrap up on point one. So now on to point two, you're missing all the ways your partner is communicating that they choose you. This one I see a lot. I'm gonna use an imaginary couple to illustrate this point. So let's say we have Ray and Katie.

So Ray has like a high-ish sex drive and Katie has almost no sex drive. Ray is feeling unwanted and honestly kind of deflated. And meanwhile, Katie is showing up to our coaching sessions. She's doing the emotional work to understand parts of herself that put the brakes on sex and understanding why they're doing that. She's appreciating Ray's patience in the process.

She totally thinks that Ray is good looking, by the way. And when she notices other men who are good looking out in public, she realizes they often actually look like Ray. So she appreciates what a good dad Ray is, and that he earns a great living, and that he's really great about handling household stuff. She absolutely sees herself with Ray forever. And plus she loves that, you know, they do take little weekend trips here and there, and have a good time together.

So she is absolutely choosing Ray in so many ways, but the unfortunate part is he's not receiving most of it. So let's talk about why that might be the case. And again, I think this is often the case for people. So Ray has a story about not being good enough. And he may or may not be fully consciously aware of this story, but it's in there somewhere in the background.

Heather Shannon (11:46.914)

He was made fun of as a kid and he had a parent who was pretty hard on him about school and his athletic performance. And he also has a story about what it would look like, what it should look like if he was really special to Katie. And that revolves around sex and feeling sexually wanted. And so he's been taking Katie's lack of libido personally.

when it's actually about her hormones, postpartum, her stress level, and some health issues that she's having. So this is like an amalgamation of common issues I see with people I've worked with. But when we decide how someone else would behave if they felt a certain way, we're just going to be wrong, just most of the time, right?

And so I've seen just like lovely, intelligent, wonderful clients just decide like, well, if he really loved me or if she really loved me, he would behave differently. She would show up differently. They would pursue me. They would be more reliable. would, whatever it is. And it's usually not the case.

because we're, and what's happening, we're then missing all the other ways in which our partner is showing up, all the other ways in which our partner is choosing us. So what if instead of seeing what's not working in this example couple, focuses on what is working? What if he lets himself take in Katie's appreciative comments and the cuddles they have every evening and the fun moments they have together?

And I think part of this here is that Ray's feeling vulnerable in this situation. And I do think there's an element of trust in him believing that Katie isn't just paying lip service. It's like, she's not just saying that. Because in his mind, if she's not doing the sexy things, she's probably just saying that to try and be nice. She's just saying that to try to make me feel better. But from my perspective, so when I'm working with couples,

Heather Shannon (14:05.024)

I often have a much more neutral perspective on it because I'm not, you know, emotionally invested in either of them feeling a certain way. And so I feel like I'm often able to see the actual pattern that's happening and, and hopefully help them see it as well. Ray's taking something personal that is not personal. And the way we can try to help ourselves not do that is to realize that nothing

which sounds extreme. Nothing is actually personal. Okay, cut this out too.

Heather Shannon (14:49.882)

so nothing is actually personal. Okay, redo that one. So nothing is actually personal. Everything that someone else says or doesn't say, does or doesn't do is because of their genetics, their level of consciousness, their personal history and trauma and what's been healed or not healed. And that's it. Right?

So we can't control how somebody else takes what we say or do, just like we can't know their real intention when they say or do something to us. It's all going on inside someone's mind. And so our relationship with our lovely, handsome, whatever, romantic partner is really based on our thoughts about them. So if our thoughts are, well, they wouldn't show up this way.

They wouldn't ignore me. They wouldn't abandon me sexually. They wouldn't be unreliable. They wouldn't betray me, whatever it is, if they really loved me. And you just kind of can't know. They might love you a ton. That might be the best they can do. It might be pretty bad in your mind, but that might be the best they can do. They might wish they could do better and not know how to. Right? They might be...

making great progress on recovering their libido and just not there yet. But whether or not they make that progress often is not going to have a ton to do with you. Where it might have something to do with you is if there's some relationship issues that are unaddressed, maybe some lingering resentment, things that have never been kind of healed and rebuilt. And that is something that I can help with with clients as well. But

I think at the end of the day, like 95 % is probably not about you. savor the good moments is kind of the takeaway here. So come in, take a few deep breaths when something good happens and just let yourself feel that feeling. So often I think what happens is like we just take our partner partners for granted. And if our partner usually thinks us or kind of says the same thing,

Heather Shannon (17:16.182)

each time they thank us, it's just kind of in one ear and out the other. And we might think, they're just being polite. But take it in and then affirm yourself too. You know, if your partner says you look nice, it's probably because they think you look nice. So maybe look in the mirror and be like, you know what, I do look nice. And so that's one way that we can start to feel more appreciated, more wanted.

And if the sexual piece isn't there yet, because it's a work in progress, appreciate and look for and notice the ways you're already being chosen. OK, so this is landing so far. The next point is where we get to that practical application of the psychological concepts. OK, so point number three is that you're missing each other's And there are a lot of different ways that this can happen. And so I'm going to just read some specific ones.

to help you guys with recognizing yourself and some of these patterns. So one example is that your partner just doesn't express their desire explicitly. I have seen this with so many people, a lot of women in particular, where they'll have this actual thought and then they just don't say it out loud. So you never know. You never know that they're having it. And so this could be something to ask your partner too. If you're noticing that they're not expressing it, you could say, okay,

Do you just not really have the sexual thoughts or do you have them but you're not saying them? So maybe there's minimal to no flirting or initiating sex, not verbalizing attraction. Some people are also just not words people as much. They're more action people. They might assume their partner just knows and it's not something that has to be verbalized. So if you're somebody who just really loves having things verbalized, know, I'm one of those too.

I think actions are super important, but I'm like, I like the words. I like the clarity of the words. I like that it's like confirmed. And both is certainly a nice option as well. So in that case, the love is there with the energy of pursuit might be missing. Now, another one is that desire only appears in sexual moments. And you might be thinking, yeah, that's when it's supposed to appear. Yes, I hear you.

Heather Shannon (19:41.378)

But if the only time somebody is expressing desire is right before sex or during sex, it can feel, and I think that again, this is especially to women, it can feel transactional. So there's a lot of people who feel more desired when attraction shows up outside of just initiating sex. So whether it's compliments or lingering eye contact, playful flirtation.

physical affection, where you're not trying to have sex per se, that can go a long way. And so this is something I think people just tend not to get into these nuances and the nitty gritty if they're not working with a sex therapist. But these are great things to discuss with your partner just to kind of get to know them better in terms of what lands. And I remember a long time ago, probably like 10 plus years ago,

When I was in private practice and I was working with some male clients individually and they would talk about things with their wives or girlfriends, I just remember thinking, they're trying so hard and I just know that most of it isn't landing. And so this is about aligning your efforts so that 90 or 100 % of your effort lands instead of 40 or 50%. So with the same effort, you can make a much deeper, stronger connection.

Now, another reason someone might not be feeling desired would be body image or self-consciousness. So if somebody is feeling just uncomfortable in their body, it might be really hard for them to believe that anyone finds them attractive, including their partner. So this can happen just from being a human in the world. We're marketed to in so many ways about hair and skin and aging and

fitness level and style and yeah, just functioning of our body, athleticism. And so it can happen just by being a human. It can also happen with changes in life. So obviously all of us are aging, know, pregnancy, menopause, decrease in testosterone, loss of muscle mass, surgery, cancer, disability, permanent or temporary disability, weight change.

Heather Shannon (22:09.804)

So all of those can exacerbate, I think, some of the body image issues that people have often from just being human. So your partner might really be into you, but you might not be able to receive it again. And in this case, I do think a lot of the work is internal. Again, that internal locus of control where you might have to start challenging that. I also think you can utilize

your partner's attraction to you. And just allowing that as a way to practice, at least humoring, like entertaining the idea that somebody is sexually attracted to you. Right. And I think it can also help to consider that sexual attraction is holistic. Sexual attraction is not just based on what you look like. It is based on your personality. It's based on your energy and your aura.

It's based on your confidence. It's based on your talents and your skills. It's based on your genetic compatibility. There's so many factors that go into it. And I think sometimes we just really tend to narrow it down. But especially in a long-term relationship, it's about so much more than just physical appearance. And so my goal with people when I'm working with them on body image

is just to at least get to a point of body neutrality where you can allow yourself to receive pleasure and to feel attractive or feel wanted by your partner. Even if you don't think you're great looking or whatever, you can at least allow it without negativity towards your body detracting from your ability to connect sexually. All right. So internal beliefs can also block feeling.

wanted. So some people struggle to receive desire because of internal narratives like, you know, I'm not attractive enough. People only want sex, not me. I'm just a warm body. If they really knew me, they wouldn't want me. So even when the partner expresses desire, doesn't fully register. So this is kind of a parallel to the body one. So this one is sort of, OK, maybe it's not body based only. Maybe it's just like, I just am not that great. Or like, why would anyone want to be with me?

Heather Shannon (24:30.348)

And I guess I would almost encourage you to, well, why would anyone want to be with anyone? Everyone's got flaws. It's not about being perfect, right? If we're about being perfect, we'd all be out of the running. and I think it's kind of about allowing the other person to have a different lens on you, a different perspective about you than you have on yourself. And over time, trying to see their perspective.

and also moving away from TV shows and social media especially and websites that encourage you to question yourself and doubt yourself and compare yourself in a negative way. That goes a long way. The desire feels more like pressure instead of appreciation. So again, these are all ways that you can get mixed signals.

where you or your partner is sending a signal, but it's not being received as intended. So desire might feel like pressure. So if somebody's got a higher sex drive, and they want to have sex with you, instead of it being like, oh, I feel so great. I feel so wanted. This is so lovely. I love this person. And they also are into me. Instead of that, it might feel like, know, there could be pressure, there could be dread, there can be anxiety.

especially if you're feeling responsible for meeting their sexual needs. And then that's where it becomes the like, this is a chore, this is an obligation, this is something to check off my to do list. This is they want something from me. And so it can kind of block that experience. But what if they actually think you're really sexy? And what if they actually think you're really good at sex and great to connect with and

fun to explore with. Tossing it out there. Let's let's entertain the possibility. Another one where you can make signals is the desire feels too predictable. So sometimes attraction stops feeling alive because the pattern of your sex life especially is just getting to routine. So initiation might always happen in the same way. It might be similar timing.

Heather Shannon (26:48.95)

and it might be the same cues that you're starting to get in the mood. And none of that's bad. The only time it's bad is if it's not working for you. And it's not bad, it's just not working, right? And then you address it. But if it's working for you, no need to change it. But if it's getting to the point where it's like, it just doesn't feel as genuine, it just feels kind of like this memorized script we go through sexually.

that's time to address it. I would be like, Okay, let's hit the pause button. I noticed this is our pattern. What do you think about shaking it up? You know, sometimes people want sex to feel a little bit more spontaneous. I think that can depend a lot on what life stage you're in. So if you're both working full time and busy and have kids and hobbies and family and all that other stuff to attend to. I think it can be a little bit unrealistic to

randomly spontaneously have sex, but that could be something where you take a weekend trip or vacation and then you can be a little more spontaneous. But I do think there has to be a bit more intention into carving out the time for the two of you.

All right, so what's actually happening in all these examples with the mixed signals is you're just speaking two different languages, right? Someone's okay with routine. Someone feels kind of ignored like it doesn't count. Somebody is really into having sex with you. The other person receives that as pressure and not authentic desire. Somebody thinks their partner is super sexy. Their partner feels terrible in their own skin.

Right? And so there's just all these ways where the messages are not being received. And the reframe here is like realizing that. It's like, how wonderful if we can realize we're speaking different languages here when it comes to feeling wanted and desired. And just by naming what's going on there, you can get on the same page and resolve it. So the bottom line here.

Heather Shannon (28:57.612)

with all the points I brought up is that not feeling wanted does not have to be the case. If your partner says that they love you, choose you, think you're a hottie, they probably do. It might just not look like what you thought it should look like. So if this episode gave you some comfort, hopefully some ideas and some reframes, okay, cut that part.

If this episode gave you some comfort, hopefully, and some ideas, that is what we do here on Sex for Couples. I help people understand the deeper psychological and emotional layers that get in the way of the sex life that they want. So they can build inner security, self-trust, and freedom to explore their sexuality. So if you want help applying these types of concepts to your unique situation, that's what I do in my Pathway to Passion one-on-one coaching program.

You can visit my website heathershannon.co to learn more about that and request a free consultation. Thank you everybody for listening and we will catch you next week on another episode of Sex for Couples.