Improve Your People Skills:

How to Connect With Anyone,

Communicate Effectively,

Develop Deep Relationships,

and Become a People Person By Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.

When we think about people skills,

what typically comes to mind are how to charm people or solve conflicts.

But we can’t effectively arrive at that stage without first changing the way

that we view others.

The thoughts and feelings we hold toward others dictate how we act toward them.

This sounds obvious,

but as with many aspects of people skills,

it’s something that we never bother to investigate or become more aware of.

Whatever we feel and think tends to become our reality,

whether it’s just a biased perspective or we act in ways to make those

thoughts come true.

For instance,

take the story of Clever Hans.

Clever Hans was a horse that many believed could perform intellectual tasks

such as telling time and doing basic math,

for example.

During the early 1900s,

the horse’s owner,

Wilhelm von Osten,

made Hans somewhat of a celebrity by carting him around Germany and showcasing

his “talents” to the public.

The performance would go something like this .- Osten would ask the horse to

calculate the sum of five plus three,

and Clever Hans would tap his hoof eight times.

Of course,

the crowd would go wild,

and Osten would praise the horse for his superior intellect.

Not everyone believed Clever Hans was so smart,

though.

After testing Hans under many different conditions,

they discovered that he answered correctly only when he could see his prompter

and only when the prompter knew the answer to the question being asked.

In other words,

Hans couldn’t add two plus two,

but when asked by someone who could,

he would tap four times,

provided he could see the questioner.

The researchers further surmised that the questioners would change their body

language and posture as the horse was tapping out the answer.

This altered stance occurred in unconscious anticipation of Hans arriving at

the correct answer.

The questioner would change their stance again upon the arrival of the final

tap,

providing a visual cue for Hans to stop.

The questioners hoped Hans would answer correctly,

which caused them to behave as if he would,

and so he did.

Then we also have what is known as the Pygmalion effect,

named for the mythical Greek figure who fell in love with his own sculpture.

It states that if you have an expectation and image in your head of who that

person will be,

that is exactly who they will become to you.

The implication is that however you view someone,

you will treat them in a way that brings that behavior out of them.

Good expectations will lead to good outcomes;

low expectations will similarly decrease performance.

If you think someone is incredibly annoying,

you will be standoffish toward them and generally act in a manner that is

actually annoying in and of itself,

motivating them to behave annoyingly.

If you think well of someone,

you will act toward them in a manner that encourages them to be better and you

will give them more chances.

If you think poorly of someone,

you will act toward them in a manner that will make them do worse and you

won’t give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you are apathetic toward people,

you will act in a way that makes them apathetic toward you,

all the while calling each other boring.

Our implicit/explicit beliefs influence our actions,

which then influence others’ beliefs about us,

which then influence their actions toward us.

And so on.

We create the world we reside in through our expectations.

If you were told someone was charming and fascinating,

you would dig deeper into their background and discover what might be

interesting about them.

They would become that person to you because you gave them the opportunity and

goodwill.

You expected greatness,

so you went out and found it.

And of course,

this entire process makes you more likable as well.

Conversely,

if you were told that same person was a boring dud,

you may not even bother engaging them.

Our assumptions and expectations dictate our actions and create self-fulfilling

prophecies.

Before you even open your mouth,

we have to banish the negativity we feel toward others and create positive

expectations of people so they can rise up to meet them.

This is easily the largest source of self-sabotage when it comes to people

skills.

At the very least,

we will focus on giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming the

worst.

Hanlon’S Razor And Assumptions.

One of the first aspects of giving people the benefit of the doubt may seem

silly,

but it is more powerful than you think.

Hanlon’s Razor originated in 1774 by Robert Hanlon as “Never attribute to

malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect."

The most modern and widespread version is “Never ascribe to malice that which

is adequately explained by incompetence” and is often attributed to Napoleon

Bonaparte,

though author Robert Heinlein also has a strong claim to it.

Making assumptions about someone’s intentions and motivations based on their

actions is,

well,

a rather large assumption that is wrong most of the time.

The most likely cause for malice,

or any other negative intention,

is neglect or incompetence.

There are simply fewer moving pieces,

and thus,

it is easier for such a situation to occur.

Approaching others in this way will create a gentler and more understanding

presence when you stop taking things as personal offenses.

In truth,

it’s far easier for a person to do something negative out of neglect or

incompetence;

to do something out of malice requires a whole lot more planning,

intention,

and motivation.

We will never know people’s true intentions,

but if you presume that people aren’t always trying to undermine you,

it has the power to massively improve your relationships.

Suppose that you want a particular brand of cereal at the grocery store,

yet someone two feet in front of you grabs the last box.

You are certain they saw you,

and yet they ignored your hand gestures and the fact that you were obviously

zeroing in on the same box.

They never even acknowledge you,

turn around,

and walk out of the aisle.

Later,

you discover while stalking them in the checkout lane that they are actually

borderline blind and couldn’t possibly have seen you or your gestures.

Cue feeling like a fool.

You’ve just created anxiety and rage in a situation where it didn’t need to

exist.

You could have kept your cool and let things roll off your back,

but you didn’t.

Hanlon’s Razor forces you to take your offended ego out of a situation and

analyze it with everyone’s best intentions in mind.

It forces you to ask,

“What are the innocent explanations for this harmful action?"

People are oblivious and thoughtless at times,

including you,

but it usually doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Most importantly,

if you assume people don’t hold any malice toward you,

you are bound to view them in a more positive light.

All it takes is to explore alternative possibilities to your assumptions and

give people the benefit of the doubt in questioning your assumptions.

One of the biggest reasons people skills suffer is the absence of this process.

People will make split-second judgments and assumptions about others from tiny

actions and never think twice about how incorrect the basis for their

conclusions might be.

Just remember that the majority of people possess a degree of reasonableness.

Reasonableness is the opposite of intentional spite or the sentiment that

people are acting irrationally with no sane thoughts to guide them.

There’s always a reason people are behaving in a certain way;

it’s almost never related to you.

If reasonableness is your starting point,

you’ll have far fewer arguments.

If you assume that people base their arguments and form their opinions based on

some sort of logic,

then it follows that they must be relying on facts and information you are not

aware of.

Suppose you ask a friend to help wash your dishes and they refuse emphatically.

This appears to be incredibly rude and inconsiderate,

but suppose your friend told you earlier that they have a large open wound on

their hand that is prone to infection.

Suddenly,

what appears to be malicious is actually done from a point of logic and hygiene.

There are a few assumptions that are particularly harmful when left unchecked

and can have a profoundly negative impact on your social interactions.

Faulty Assumption #1 .- All Parties Understand What Is Being Talked About Are

you even talking about the same thing?

Or is there a fundamental disconnect that explains why there are such

differences of opinion?

Is there unnecessary confusion that has led to tension or conflict?

Don’t be afraid to stop completely and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Too often people are so focused on speaking at each other that they don’t

come to a mutual understanding.

Faulty Assumption #2 .- We Already Know the Other Person’s View and Opinions

of the Situation Often,

we think we know where someone is coming from and why they think that way.

We are essentially filling in the blanks on how someone came to a particular

conclusion or action.

But how can you ever hope to be accurate?

Unless you explicitly ask,

there’s no way to know for certain how someone feels about something and the

reasoning that led them there.

We lack the ability to read other people’s minds,

yet we can sometimes be so convinced about why someone is trying to insult or

damage us.

Ask for other people’s views and opinions and don’t interrupt them.

Faulty Assumption #3 .- We Are Right and They Are Wrong When you come to a

situation with this assumption,

there’s no way it’s going to end well or peacefully.

This position on your part is the very opposite of giving someone the benefit

of the doubt.

You are completely invalidating their position and line of reasoning right off

the bat and assuming moral and mental superiority.

You go on the offensive and give them no choice but to assume the defensive.

Of course,

it’s a faulty assumption that you are correct in a certain circumstance.

But if you know deep down that you are,

or can prove it directly with evidence,

at the very least,

you don’t have to be obnoxious and tactless about it.

A better assumption to replace this is that you have your merits,

but so do others.

Faulty Assumption #4 .- Everyone Has the Same Set of Facts This is similar to

Faulty Assumption #1,

except it assumes that if everyone were to have all the facts,

the same conclusion would be drawn by all.

It’s an assumption that everyone has the same logic and makes the same mental

leaps you do.

Perhaps,

yes,

if everyone had access to the same set of information or background as you do,

they would come to the same conclusion.

Others just might be missing the key factors that make your argument your

argument.

But information and learning are not equal,

and it’s rare that you overlap exactly with someone else’s knowledge.

This is naturally going to lead to misunderstandings and conflict.

A final damaging assumption,

similar to Hanlon’s Razor,

is the assumption that any or all matters are personal.

Just because something negative was said or proposed doesn’t mean that it’s

a slight against you or that there is a negative judgment about you.

You can be a smart person and do something witless.

It doesn’t make you any less smart.

If you hold any of these assumptions,

you yourself are not being reasonable and make it so people are either stupid,

unreasonable,

or backward.

Learn to quell damaging assumptions and your people skills will increase

dramatically because you’ll realize that most other people are just like you.

The better approach is to focus more on being curious and interested in what

the other person knows and what facts have led them to their conclusion.

This way,

the conversation is not reduced to a simple matter of black and white.

Instead,

you open yourself up to learning new facts that might change your opinion or

strengthen your opinion of the other person.

Clearly,

you can see how this might contribute to your people skills.

The Curiosity Factor.

Aside from uncovering people’s assumptions,

curiosity plays a huge role in the way we receive others and thus how they

receive us.

You can be the most charming,

funniest person in the room,

but if you aren’t interested and curious about the person across from you,

there simply won’t be a connection.

It turns out that we care if the person across from us is engaged or scanning

the room behind us and looking for someone better to talk to.

Staying curious is a difficult proposition because,

at first glance,

most people might seem uninteresting or unworthy of paying attention to.

This is undoubtedly the biggest hurdle for most of us—even if you don’t

consciously think it,

you subconsciously believe that someone is not worth being curious about.

You think that even if you dig deeper you won’t find anything worth your

time,

so why bother in the first place?

It’s true that,

at first glance,

very few of us are compelling.

You included.

But acting on this impulse will limit your communication and keep you right

where you are.

We are cutting off people’s ability to be interesting and compelling because

we don’t give them a chance,

just like the Pygmalion effect dictates.

In the end,

it doesn’t particularly matter what you believe.

Just start to build the habit of curiosity,

and eventually it won’t matter if you think people are worthy or not (they

are).

You’ll be able to find the interesting aspects in just about anyone.

To do so,

I’ve found that the absolute best mindset to emulate is that of a talk show

host—Jimmy Fallon,

Jimmy Kimmel,

Conan O’Brien,

whoever your favorite is,

they all do the same thing.

Just ask yourself what they would do if you’re struggling for what curiosity

looks like and how you can wield it.

Conan O’Brien happens to my favorite,

so let’s think about the traits he embodies in a conversation with a guest on

his show.

Visualize his studio.

He’s got a big open space,

and he is seated at a desk.

His guest is seated at a chair adjacent to the desk,

and it’s literally like they exist in a world of their own.

When Conan has a guest on his show,

that guest is the center of his world for the next 10 minutes.

They are the most interesting person he has ever come across,

everything they say is spellbinding,

he is insatiably curious about their stories,

and he reacts to anything they say with an uproarious laugh and an otherwise

exaggerated reaction that they were seeking.

He is charmingly positive and can always find a humorous spin on a negative

aspect of a story.

His sole purpose is to make his guest comfortable on the show,

encourage them to talk about themselves,

and ultimately make them feel good and look good.

In turn,

this makes them share revealing things they might not otherwise share and

create a connection and chemistry with him that is so important for a talk show.

The viewers at home are desperate to learn about this celebrity guest,

so Conan acts as a proxy for their curiosity.

Also,

the viewers can tell in an instant if either party is mailing it in or faking

it,

so Conan’s job literally depends on his ability to use his curiosity to

connect on a deeper level.

Even with grumpy or more quiet guests,

he is able to elevate their energy levels and attitudes simply by being

intensely interested in them (at an energy level slightly above theirs)

and encouraging them by giving them the great reactions that they seek.

It’s almost as if he plays the game “How little can I say to get the most

out of people?"

Of course,

in your life,

this equates to those people you come across that are like pulling teeth to

talk to.

A little bit of friendly encouragement and affirmation can make even the

meekest clam open up.

Numerous questions,

directing the conversation toward them,

and the feeling that you actually care are also integral.

Imagine the relief you can create at dreaded networking events.

People like those who like them,

so when you react the way they want,

it encourages them to be more outgoing and open with you.

Other talk show hosts would later go on the record lamenting how often they

disliked his guests and how boring he found the actors and actresses that he

would be forced to speak to.

But that’s a testament to how highly trained his habit of curiosity was.

He started by making a conscious decision to be curious,

built the habit,

and engaged his guests easily;

do you think his guests could tell if he was interested or not?

Never.

Curiosity allows people to feel comfortable enough to speak freely beyond a

superficial level—because you are demonstrating that you care and that you

will listen when they open up.

People won’t be inclined to reveal their secret thoughts if they think it

will be met with apathy,

after all.

So whether you have to fake it till you make it,

Conan O’Brien is who your mindset and attitude should feel like.

It’s a banal and often-used quote,

but for good reason.

Dale Carnegie said it best - “You can make more friends in two months by

becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying

to get other people interested in you."

In case Conan O’Brien’s curiosity still isn’t coming naturally to you,

here are some more specific patterns of thought you can use to improve your

people skills.

I wonder what they are like?

When you start to wonder about the other person,

it changes your perspective on them completely.

This is an inkling of curiosity.

You start to care about them—not only about their shallow traits,

such as their occupation or how their day is going,

but what motivates them and what makes them act in the way they do.

Having a sense of wonder about someone is one of the most powerful mindsets you

can have because it makes you want to scratch your itch.

Scratching the itch of curiosity will become secondary to everything else

because you simply want to know about the other person.

Suppose you had a sense of wonder about computers as a child.

You were probably irritating with how many questions you asked anyone that

seemed to have knowledge about computers.

What kind of attention span are you going to devote to computers,

and what kind of questions are you going to ask?

You are going to skip the small talk interview questions and get right down to

the details because it’s what you care and wonder about.

Keeping the mindset of wonderment will completely change the way you interact

with people because you will suddenly care,

and much of the time,

we don’t notice that we don’t care about the person we are talking to.

You’ll dig deeper and deeper until you can put together a picture of what you

are wondering about.

What can they teach me?

Don’t read this from the perspective of attempting to gain what you can from

someone.

Read it from the perspective of seeing others as being people worthy of your

attention.

Everyone has valuable knowledge,

whether it applies to your life or not.

Everyone is great at something,

and everyone is a domain expert in something that you are not,

no matter how small or obscure.

The main point is to ignite an interest in the other person as opposed to an

apathetic approach.

Imagine if you were a huge skiing junkie and you met someone that used to be a

professional skier.

They may have even reached the Olympics in their prime.

What will follow?

You’ll be thrilled by what you can potentially learn and gain from the other

person,

and that will guide the entire interaction.

Again,

there will be a level of interest and engagement if you view others as worthy

of talking to.

But you’d never know unless you dug.

Whether we like to admit it or not,

sometimes we feel some people are not worth our time.

It’s a bad habit,

and this line of thinking is one of the first steps toward breaking it.

Everyone is worth our time,

but you won’t be able to discover it if you don’t put in the work.

What do we have in common?

This is an investigation into the life experiences you share with someone.

It instantly makes them more engaging and interesting—because we feel that

they are more similar to us!

It may sound a bit egotistical,

but we are undoubtedly more captivated by people that share the same views and

interests as us.

It may even elevate people,

especially if we are surrounded by people different from us.

For instance,

if you discovered that a new stranger was born in the same hospital as you

were,

despite being in a different country,

you would instantly feel more open to them.

This person must share similar worldviews,

values,

and humor.

But you wouldn’t have discovered that if you didn’t make an attempt at

digging.

You are going to be on a hunt,

and you will ask the important questions that get you where you want to be.

You might jump from topic to topic,

or you might dive in and ask directly.

Perhaps it’s just because you will have something to fixate on besides

talking for talking’s sake,

but these attitudes will drastically change how you approach people.

Curiosity can still be hard,

which is why my final suggestion for creating curiosity is to make a game of it.

Your goal is to learn as much about the other person as possible.

Alternatively,

assume there is something extremely thrilling and exciting about the other

person and make it your quest to find it.

Eventually,

you’ll find what you’re looking for.

The next time you go out to a café or store,

put these attitudes to the test with the captive audience of the baristas or

cashiers you come across—the lucky few who are paid to be nice to you.

Do you perceive these workers to be below you,

or do you treat them differently than you would treat a good friend?

Do you have a sense of wonderment and curiosity about them?

What do you think they can teach you,

and what do you have in common with them?

Do you tend to ask the baristas or cashiers about their day and actually care

about their answer?

If not,

do you think you’ll be able to simply “turn it on” when you’re around

people you care about?

Practice your mindsets about the people around you.

It’s the easiest practice you’ll have because you don’t have to lift a

finger,

but it drastically transforms the quality of relationships you’ll create.

Walk A Mile For Empathy.

The final piece of how to reposition your approach to others is all about

empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people and how they

might translate into actions and behaviors.

When you can relate to someone,

you can understand their motivations and behavior,

which will dramatically change how you approach and interact with them.

It’s the ability to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to withhold

judgment,

understand better,

and communicate like you’re reading their minds.

Most people have empathy,

but it only comes in spurts or it doesn’t go very deep into feeling what

other people feel.

We might be impacted for a split second when we see a homeless person,

but as soon as we walk past them,

we tend to immediately forget about them.

Out of sight,

out of mind.

It’s not to say that you should put all your obligations to the side and

fully commiserate with the plights of the world à la Mother Teresa,

but there is certainly room for greater empathy in the pursuit of better

communication.

A key to empathy concerns judgment;

when it comes first in the form of a snapshot,

without considering wider context and intentions,

empathy is doomed to fail.

I would suggest a five-step thinking process that comes courtesy of The Avatar

Journal,

an online publication focused on compassion and empathy.

Remember,

the purpose is to not take people at face value and to try to understand their

latent emotions.

For instance,

if someone lashes out at you,

it is an unpleasant experience.

But what has caused them such distress to do so?

Step 1 - “Just like me,

this person is seeking happiness in his/her life."

Step 2 - “Just like me,

this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life."

Step 3 - “Just like me,

this person has known sadness,

loneliness,

and despair."

Step 4 - “Just like me,

this person is seeking to fill his/her needs."

Step 5 - “Just like me,

this person is learning about life."

Take the example of the homeless person you see on the streets.

How might going through this five-step thought process put them in a new light

about their struggles and daily realities?

How might you view them differently and understand their lives a bit more?

We are always choosing our interpretations of people,

whether consciously or subconsciously.

When you engage in empathy,

you make the choice to interpret them with psychological closeness—as if they

were an extension of you.

You begin to take on their views and thoughts without really trying,

and that’s quite an efficient means of reading between the lines to improve

your communication.

Being a people person is about innately understanding as many perspectives as

possible.

The end result of having a highly tuned sense of empathy is that people will

ask you in a rhetorical sense,

“Do you know what I mean?” and you’ll be able to put words and sentiments

into their mouths.

I can’t emphasize how powerful this is in building a connection that goes

deep.

Let’s take Patricia Moore,

for example.

She is a prime example of taking the extra step to understand others and thus

be able to speak for them.

Moore was an American designer who conducted an experiment in the 1970s that

fundamentally changed people’s notions about empathy.

What began as a social experiment quickly turned into something more.

She,

at the age of 26,

dressed up as an 85-year-old woman to investigate what life was like for an

elderly person—specifically,

what were the challenges they faced as a result of old age,

and how could those challenges be conquered?

On and off for three full years,

Moore donned full makeup,

walked with a limp to simulate arthritis,

and wrapped herself in bandages to fake ailments and illnesses.

To complete her transformation into an elderly person,

she wore thick glasses that she couldn’t see well out of.

In this guise,

she visited many cities and acted as an elderly woman might.

She rode public transportation,

navigated stores,

and generally tried her hand at everyday life,

essentially handicapped by her advanced age and various ailments.

Based on her experiences,

she walked away with a profoundly new perspective on product design.

It turned out that designs in America are focused predominantly on people who

are younger and more able.

Can openers,

doors,

and other modern amenities were bundled up with all sorts of assumptions

regarding physical ability.

These products were designed for those who are in the prime of their lives.

They are not very friendly to children and they were definitely outright

hostile to the physical limitations of elderly Americans.

They were not very accommodating or convenient for those with simple ailments

such as weak hands or poor eyesight.

Based on these experiences and her difficulties,

she came up with new product designs that can be used by elderly people.

She also invented new kitchen products that can easily be used by people

suffering from arthritis.

Based on her three-year experience,

she became one of the most outspoken and prominent elderly rights advocates in

the United States.

Thanks in large part to her own personal efforts at understanding modern life

from the perspective of an older American,

the Americans with Disabilities Act (A. D. A. )

was passed.

By simply choosing to walk a mile in another person’s shoes,

we begin to see the world in a very different way.

Her experience is a powerful testimony to how well we can improve ourselves and

the world around us by simply choosing to be open-minded and actively seeking

to look at the world through the eyes of people we,

at least on the surface,

don’t have much in common with.

It evokes the quote by Brad Meltzer - “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle

you know nothing about.

Be kind.

Always."

When we focus on the universal fact that we are all trying to overcome

something,

suddenly we can release some of our tension toward others.

For example,

what are the struggles that your friends or coworkers are going through?

Suppose one of them is going through a divorce.

It’s worth visualizing the struggles in that and even doing some research so

you understand them better.

But go beyond that starting point.

What do their daily triumphs and struggles look like?

There are certain triggers and anxieties associated with divorce,

not to mention created by it,

and you would relate to them exponentially better if you just engaged in this

thought exercise from time to time.

By choosing to be more selfless and curious (a repeated theme)

about others’ perspectives,

you can begin to understand people better.

Inherent in empathy,

curiosity,

and Hanlon’s Razor (and the illogic of our assumptions)

is that we must fundamentally change how we treat and think of others.

Before we ever open our mouths,

we had better make sure that we are setting ourselves up for success;

think how you might want to ensure that there is clean water in your water

stores before opening the water faucet.

Takeaways -

•People skills start far before you ever engage with anyone.

They start from the thoughts we have about people and the general way in which

we approach them.

Our thoughts become our reality in one way or another (so say Clever Hans and

Pygmalion),

so we must curate them.

•This starts with Hanlon’s Razor and,

at worst,

assuming negligence or obliviousness instead of malice and ill intent.

Most people are well-meaning most of the time,

and it only damages potential relationships to think anything else.

We have far too many assumptions about people that all culminate in a hostile,

offensive,

and guarded way of regarding others.

Most of these assumptions end up being spectacularly wrong.

•Curiosity is the ultimate people skills lubricant,

but it can be difficult to summon because we often have a subconscious (or very

conscious)

feeling that some people are not worth our time.

This,

of course,

is a fallacy that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

At the very least,

we should think about what people are like,

what we have in common with others,

and what they have to teach us.

Even better,

we can utilize the mindset of the talk show host,

which is to make the other person the star of the moment and dig into their

life to make them as interesting as possible.

•The final piece of our mindset and approach toward others comes in the form

of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of other people.

Empathy is the ability to accurately put yourself in someone else’s shoes and

experience what they are feeling.

This is particularly powerful when we regard them as similar to us with all

associated hopes,

dreams,

and expectations and when we think about the struggles they are overcoming in

the current moment—there always is a struggle.

This has been

Improve Your People Skills:

How to Connect With Anyone,

Communicate Effectively,

Develop Deep Relationships,

and Become a People Person By Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.