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Welcome to Just Breathe, the podcast focused on transforming the LGBTQ conversation and supporting you on your journey with your LGBTQ loved one.

You are not alone.

Welcome to Just Breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen.

My name is Heather Hester, and I am so happy that you are here.

Parenting is one of those words that really encompasses a million meanings, right?

Some of life's greatest joys and most powerful heartaches come with parenting.

Love, frustration, understanding, exhaustion, support, awe, just to name a few emotions or meanings.

Some of the emotions and meanings change within the same minute.

Wherever you are right now, you are okay here.

I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.

So today we're going to start talking about the coming out process.

If you remember from the first episode, this is a process both for your teen and for you and every other member of your family.

However, today I'm just going to focus on the process for your teen.

There is a lot to process, there's a lot to think about, and I don't want to overwhelm you.

And don't worry, I'll come back to this many, many times.

First, I found this article recently and it explained the meaning of coming out or coming out of the closet, and I thought it was really, really interesting.

It was an article by Akira Okrent and Mental Floss, and what they said is, the closet has long been a metaphor for privacy or secrecy.

Its use with reference to homosexuality, however, is relatively recent.

Interesting.

According to George Chauncey's comprehensive history of modern gay culture, Gay New York, the closet metaphor was not used by gay people until the 1960s.

Coming out, however, has long been used in the gay community, but at first meant something different than it does now.

A gay man's coming out originally referred to his being formally presented to gay society.

The phrase coming out did not refer to coming out of hiding, but to joining into a society of peers.

This phrase was borrowed from the world of debutante balls, where young women came out and being officially introduced to society.

So coming out of the closet was born as a mixture of two metaphors.

A debutante proudly stepping into the arms of a community and a shocking secret being kept in hiding.

Now that the community is a wider community, the secret is no longer shocking and coming out is a useful phrase, but it need not imply a closet.

So I thought that was really, really interesting and really gave a lot of meaning and background to this process as a whole.

I've.

I've long been curious, so that was kind of fun to come across that, the model that I'm going to share with you today, there are several schools of thought, so to speak, on the process of coming out, what a teen, what a young person, what a person goes through in the coming out process.

But this one I particularly like.

It's called the Cast Identity Model.

And it was developed and 1979 by Vivian Cass.

And she was really the first to recognize and treat gay and lesbian identity development as normal developmental stages as opposed to a mental health problem.

And I think that is also really important to, you know, just to think about and to recognize the power and what she created and the movement that she.

She helped.

So the first step, the first stage in this identity model is identity confusion.

So it makes a lot of sense that this would be the stage where there is shock, there's amazement, there's fear.

They are beginning to realize that they are having gay or lesbian or bisexual thoughts, feelings, attractions, and they're really not sure what to do with this.

So they can sit in this stage for quite some time as they really think about and contemplate how they're feeling.

And they go through a couple of different stages as they go through this.

Who am I?

They go through a rejection of the thought because for many it really brings up a lot of fear.

They go through denial, just pretending that it does not exist.

And then finally they'll go through acceptance.

This stage is very much of an internal process for your teen, for your child, and it's one where they are really wrestling with so many different thoughts and emotions.

And if you are not recognizing it during the stage, as you look back, it's something that you might say, oh my goodness, that's why their behavior changed, or that's why they became more quiet or more isolated because they are dealing with so much internally and really wrestling with this.

And another thing that might happen during this stage for them, again internally, but as they're really trying to come to terms with this is that some may keep emotional involvement separate from sexual activity or.

And I mean that in a very general term, so just keeping the two very, very separate.

And others may choose to have very deep emotional relationships that, that are not at all sexual or physical or have to do with attraction in that way.

In our case and in Connor's case, as I mentioned very briefly before, he told us that he began to realize in seventh grade that he was different, that he was having these feelings of attractions, thoughts, and.

And it was really frightening for him.

And he didn't know who to talk to.

And it was very Much of an internal process.

And as he went through seventh, eighth, ninth grade, he did attempt to like girls.

And there were many stories that he would come and tell me.

And of course, at the time, we just thought this was kind of normal teenage development.

And now, of course, looking back, realizing that this was his, you know, he was kind of internally bargaining with himself and in denial and.

And it was really quite scared of what it meant for him to be a gay young person and how to handle those feelings, how to process that, how to go forward.

So just be aware that that's really kind of the first.

First stage that your child has dealt with or is dealing with.

The second stage that they get to is called identity comparison.

And this is where they really start to wrap their head around the possibility of being gay or lesbian or bisexual and really feeling different, but owning that difference.

In this stage, again, these feelings of isolation and alienation are common because they are recognizing that they are different than a lot of their peers.

And a lot of cases, kids that they've been friends with since they were really little.

And so to handle that, they isolate themselves.

So, again, as you are, if you are in this process right now, that is something for you to be on the lookout for.

If you are looking back again, you can say, oh, my goodness, I saw that.

Now I see why that happened and why, you know, they did either isolate themselves or they were isolated.

In some cases, kids notice that something is going on.

Other kids notice that things are going on.

And, you know, seventh, eighth, ninth, high school kids are not kind, and it's scary for them to recognize a change and to embrace that.

There, of course, are many out there who do, and I think it's becoming more and more common.

I do see more and more kindness and kids who are just accepting.

In our case, looking back now, we know exactly when this happened for Connor, and he spent the majority of his eighth grade year alone.

His friends, whom he had been friends with since kindergarten and first grade, all turned their backs on him.

And he had no idea.

We had no idea.

But our guess is that he was definitely going through, realizing what was going on and had started to pull away, was really internalizing.

And these kids realized something was going on with him, and they pulled away.

And that was a really, really hard time for him.

It was a hard time for us because we had no idea what to do.

We had no idea how to help him.

And really, at the time, looked at it as it was severe depression.

He would come home and just do his homework during the week on the weekends, he would literally crawl into bed and be in the dark.

And I remember numerous times just going in there and sitting with him, and he was very, very much alone.

And really, now we know what he was struggling with at the time.

But at the time, it was so scary for Steve and I, and we just really felt so completely helpless and didn't know what to do for him.

So just for you to learn from our experience, these are things to look out for, things to be aware of and questions to ask.

You know, now we know it's okay to ask all of these questions.

They will wonder if it's a phase.

They will think that perhaps it's just part adolescence or part of the hormones or part of, you know, just growing up.

And so they, again, internally test this theory out, is maybe this is just a phase.

I'm not gonna talk about it to anybody.

I'm not gonna act on it.

I'm not gonna do anything, because maybe phase.

And once they kind of get through that, and maybe while they are going through that, they will look for different explanations.

And again, this is something that's really, really important, that if you are going through this with your child, this is where you can be so very helpful, because this is where it got really scary for Connor.

In some ways.

They will want to learn about their sexual identity.

They want to understand why.

They want to understand what is out there.

And it is really important to be able to guide them to resources that are safe and resources that give them the correct information.

They are not likely to be super open with being able to ask you these questions.

And especially thinking, in a lot of cases, my parents are straight.

How can they possibly know how to answer these questions?

But being armed with information, understanding that this is the phase that they're in, the stage that they're in, you will be better able to guide them and find them resources and professionals who can also guide them.

And it's really important here to encourage them to talk about the loss.

There's.

There is a loss of, kind of the expectation they had of a heterosexual life and allow them to grieve that change in their movie reel and at the same time, let them know that they have a big, beautiful life ahead of them.

It's just going to look a little different.

But allow them to go through that stage of really grieving that loss.

And it is just so important, because being able to work through this, talk about it in whatever way that your child processes best, working through all of this now will allow them to really move forward without Coming back without a lot of, you know, back steps, of course, this process as a whole, I'm sure you know, but it's.

It is worth saying that you will have many steps forward and a few steps back, and many steps forward and a few steps back.

That is just the way life works in general.

And this is no different.

So don't be discouraged if you start to see back steps in any of these stages and along this entire journey, because really, this is where they are right now in their own process.

And this is the most important.

Their process is the most important.

But as they move forward into high school, college or job or work, whatever they end up doing as an adult, into their adult life, they will have to go through this process in some ways over and over again as they meet new people and are put into new situations.

So the better they can work through some of these things at the very beginning, the more thoroughly the better it will be for them in the long run.

So moving on, the third stage is called identity tolerance.

And this is where this is really actually a very cool one.

This is where they realize that they aren't the only one, that there are other people out there who are gay and lesbian and bisexual and transgender and people who understand where they are and who they are and what they're going through.

And in this stage, they really start to seek community or social groups as a means of support.

So this is great because this is another wonderful, wonderful, positive resource where they can discuss how they're feeling, they can share.

Share thoughts of what they're going through, and they can get correct information, positive information, positive feedback.

Some may come to terms with just parts of being gay, but not fully embrace it.

And what happens here is this.

This leads to them living a double life.

And what I mean by that is that they're kind of in this tug of war between being gay and being straight.

And because in many cases, they are still not out to anybody or maybe only to a couple of people.

They just are having.

They're really struggling with how to communicate, how to behave.

So in this stage, it is really, really important to realize that self loathing and shame are very, very common.

This is when they really start to pop up as they start to see differences and either responses they're getting from the outside, the internal struggle, they're still dealing with tons of self loathing.

If you are going through this with your child or your teen right now, this is a time to be super supportive and just to be aware and gently encourage.

For Connor, this has been a Huge, huge struggle from the very beginning up until.

Up until right now, really.

The best way that I can describe this is, like I said, a tug of war, because there's a part of them that really wants to embrace who their authentic self is, and there's a part of them that's really afraid of that, and that leads to this self loathing, this shame.

And it takes time to really work through that.

And Connor has really struggled with seeking out communities and finding communities where he feels like he fits.

And that's something just to be aware of, too.

Not every kid, not every teen is going to want to be a part of their high school group or a community LGBTQ support group.

That's not for everyone.

That is something to really be aware of as far as finding potentially other means of support.

And just a quick aside, I know I keep mentioning support and outside support and resources.

I will link tons of resources to this episode in the show notes that you will find below and on my website.

So please take some time to go through those and really use those.

They have been, over time, extremely helpful for us and definitely resources that I wish that we would have had from the very, very beginning.

When kids are in this space, this is obviously internal judgment and internal struggle.

And that internal struggle, the way that they see it, the way that it comes out many times, is as other people judging, they take it as they kind of.

It's projected.

So it's a projected instead of facing the fact that it's much easier to put it on somebody else than it is on themselves and to really take a look at what's going on inside of themselves, to kind of pull it apart, analyze it, and work through it.

So this stage does take a lot of work.

And it's hard, but it can be done.

And even though Connor does still struggle with this from time to time, he is in a far better place now than he was three years ago.

So take heart, be patient, and be aware.

The next stage is identity acceptance.

And this is where they really begin to accept who they are and, and just beat that self.

Love begins to bloom, and it's there.

Rather than just tolerating their sexual identity, they're accepting it.

They're wrapping their arms around this.

They begin to form friendships with other LGBTQ kids, teens, adults in the community, and they realize that they can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life, that they will be okay.

And this is where many, many kids and teens begin to come out to those close to them and become comfortable with really sharing this part of them.

Because up to this point, this has felt so big that instead of being just a part of who they are, it has been the full definition of who they are.

So at this point, they're able to really see this is just a piece of me.

I. I'm still all these other pieces.

I am an athlete, I love science.

I am great at debate.

I'm funny, I'm a great friend.

I.

All these other things, all.

They begin to let all of that back in and it.

And it begins to all work together.

So this is a really, really beautiful stage for them to be in and allow them again, as.

As you, if you are working through this with your child and not learning about this after the fact, just really allow them to kind of soak this stage in and enjoy it because it is beautiful and it's a beautiful part of their experience and it will really give them so much strength for going forward.

It will build their.

Their confidence and, and really.

And it helps them kind of move into the next stage, a sense of pride.

And this next stage is identity pride.

And that is where they feel this incredible sense of pride about who they are, about their sexual orientation.

And they really want to.

To let people know who they are.

They want to express their viewpoints, they want to, you know, start exploring other viewpoints.

And, you know, this might be a little bit unsettling for you, depending where you stand socially, politically, spiritually.

And it will be uncomfortable because they really start to take on a.

As they have this sense of pride, they want to go out there and just let everybody know how they feel.

And you know, like we've both said with Connor growing up in our house, that is, you know, I've been always said we, we are.

Our political viewpoints are very libertarian.

And if you're not familiar with that term, libertarian broken down most simply is we are conservative on domestic and we are more progressive on social issues.

So this is something that we've kind of always talked about those types of things.

But certainly, you know, Connor has.

Has expressed many viewpoints that we've had to say, okay, you know what?

This is okay for them to explore.

This is okay for them to learn about, because if they are not allowed to learn about these things now and to explore and see what really fits best with them, they won't be able to complete this process or feel complete in this process.

So allow them to really explore this and try not to take it personally and just sit through being uncomfortable because you will be or you may not be.

They may also, in this stage, become angry and angry because of how people have responded to them, angry because of greater social and political situations.

And so it'll be become very important for them to develop coping skills for reactions to them personally and coping skills for just dealing with the greater world and what they.

You know, the.

The ultimate goal for them is to resist being defensive, but to be able to defend, if that makes sense.

They want to learn the skills to be able to be who they are, say who they are, educate those around them, but when someone comes at them to learn when to just walk away.

And so this takes lots of practice.

And I definitely recommend therapeutic support for them if they're really struggling with this stage outside of out of yourself, because in many ways, you will be dealing with this as well.

And so, you know, allow them to be in situations, resist your mama or papa bear temptation to jump in and rescue.

Allow them to really experience so they can learn how to respond and they can learn how to build these skills of being proud of who they are, saying who they are, what they believe in, and not taking on anything negative or ugly that may come back at them.

So, again, this does take lots of practice and lots of support.

And again, I will list a ton of resources for you to be able to tap into to help with this as well.

And then the final stage is called identity synthesis, and it really kind of wraps itself into the identity pride.

And that this is where they really do integrate their sexual identity with all of the other aspects of their self.

Like I said before, just realizing that being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender is just one part of them.

It is not their entire identity.

Just like I am not defined as being straight, that is just a part of who I am.

They are not defined as being lgbtq.

And they will really be able to, in this particular stage, begin to move very fluidly through their life without defining spaces as gay or straight.

And that's really the most important piece.

There is the fluidity of being able to move and to be able to function and to live and to thrive and to find joy in all of these different spaces.

Coming out does not just happen once.

It is a lifelong process of discovering themselves, of accepting themselves, and of sharing their sexual orientation or their gender identity with others and working through these steps, these six steps, even if it is back and forth multiple times, which it will be, and that is okay.

It will build emotional strength, physical strength, believe it or not, and it will really build their spiritual health.

And these are all three such important things for them to be able to move forward, to move into life as strong, confident kids.

Today I'd like to give you two tools to use.

The first one is from last week because I think that it is really important that this is always a tip will be to just breathe.

To take that breath.

Remember, not the shallow breath, but to stop yourself, to pause and to take that deep belly breath in and hold it and out.

When you are able to do that, you are able to see things more clearly.

And I want you to know that there is no one right way to go through this process.

Every one of our kids is unique and they will have their own experiences and their own feelings along the way.

You may be uncomfortable with allowing this to be their process, but it is very important that you do allow it to be their process that you take that breath when you want to jump in and do it for them.

When you want to jump in and take away pain or frustration, take your breath.

Let them know that you are there for them.

Allow this to be their process.

Embrace the discomfort.

Love and accept your child where they are at this moment in time.

And I want to say that again because that's really, really important.

Love and accept your child, your teenager, where they are at this moment in time, in the present.

That is what they most want and most need from us.

Love, acceptance and to be seen.

So this is where I'm going to leave you for today.

Thank you so much for joining me.

Please please check out the show notes on my website and below for the links that I mentioned.

There will be a lot for today.

And please subscribe to Just Breathe and join the private Facebook page and share it.

Anyone who needs to know they are not alone.

Until next time, thanks.