It sucks walking around. Not feeling powerful sucks. Walking around

having your wife be chronically upset with you. You can fix these things and

live a very different life. Life is short.

Don't sit around and just think about reading another book. Welcome to the

King Within, a podcast for men who seem to have it all, yet feel

like they're losing what matters most. I'm Mike Salemi and I've been there.

Successful on paper, but disconnected on the inside. This isn't about

grinding harder. It's about mastering your emotions, leading

with calm strength, and rebuilding trust at home. Each week we

dive into real stories and tools for becoming the man your family runs

towards, not away from. Because you didn't build this life to lose yourself

in it. This is the King within. Let's do the work. If you've ever

felt dialed at work, but off center at home, this conversation

is for you. Today's guest is G.S. youngblood,

author of the Masculine in Relationship and and a former Silicon Valley

Exec who spent 17 years in tech before dedicating his

life to men's relational leadership. We unpacked the patterns that

quietly kill connection, especially defensiveness and

how to create safety so trust and intimacy can return. You'll

hear his three part masculine respond instead of

react. Provide structure and create safety.

Plus a deceptively simple embodiment cue. Remember your

feet. That can change how you handle conflict in real time.

This matters now because too many good men are winning in business and losing

their center at home. If this episode lands for you, remember to

follow the show and send it to a brother who needs it. Let's dive in.

I actually wrote a business book like a while, like 16,

17 years ago. Wow. Because that was your background

primarily. Right. Because I mean, I just learned you live in the Bay Area. Yeah,

yeah. I was in Silicon valley for like 17 plus years

doing hardcore tech jobs and

over time started to realize that it was not my passion anymore.

And at the end, at the end, I hated it so much. And I

didn't hate it, but I was so disinterested that I woke up one day

and I said, you know, I'm, I'm. I'm pretty much on the edge of being

non professional at this point. And that's when I knew I had to quit.

Thankfully, the book had, had, you know, had been.

Was on the verge of taking off. And so it was a good

time for a couple of reasons, but I definitely fell out of love with the

tech industry. And then what was that transition like? Did

you know what you wanted to do? Clearly after that, or what was that journey

like? Yeah, I got introduced to men's work in.

Gosh, what year was that? It's a long ass time ago

through David Data. And my therapist gave me his book because my marriage was on,

was about to smash into the rocks at that point. So I would see the

therapist or a counselor. She gave me the book and it was just

like, whoa, this explains a lot. And

it was what woke me up to men's work. What was. If you could

share what was maybe one, two or three themes in that

that called you out personally the most at that time, like the version view,

then you mean. I think what you're asking me is

what were the, what were the biggest gaps that David's work showed me? Sure, yeah,

sure. Definitely leadership. I was married to a very strong,

very capable woman and I was off in a very alpha environment

at that time and working for an intense company. So,

you know, we were making good money at that time through, through equity. And so

I just, I felt like, okay, well that's my job is I'm going to provide

and I come home and she's capable, she can take all this stuff.

She's only working part time and only come to

realize later how corrosive that was. She did

not feel my leadership in the relationship. Not in really almost in

any domain other than just making money for us. But

that's one of the big lessons I learned is that's so not enough for the

feminine. They need to feel joined in these challenges of life that you're tackling

together as a married couple, as a family with kids. She didn't

feel that for me. And so I think, I think that was one of the

biggest ones. Probably the next was just emotional

safety. I had no idea what that meant

and I didn't know how to receive her pain. And she wasn't shy about it.

I mean, like I said, she was a very strong, outspoken woman. So if, if

she was upset about something, she didn't hold back. And I had no capacity to

handle that intensity. Even though that's what drew her to me initially.

I really didn't have the tools to deal with the strong woman that I was

attracted to. A little ironic and, and, and

it was challenging at the time. So I think that's one and two.

If I had to throw in a third, it's. I was so not in touch

with my insecurities and I tried like hell to hide them. And it

took me some years after my, my, you know, awakening,

which was when I was about 36 years old. It took me a while to

finally come into a relationship with my insecurities and. And just,

you know, begin to get okay with them. Like, yeah, that's me. I don't have

X, Y or Z, or do X, Y or Z or whatever it is. So

that's 1, 2, and 3 of some of the awakenings

that I had. That's really helpful for context. And that second

one, what were some of your patterns?

Classic. Like, how would you. Would you get reactive? Would you shut down? Would you

withdraw? What did life look like when you went down?

Let's just say a path of decline. Let's say

it's the one that all of us guys do and all of our women are

driven nuts by. It's. It's defensiveness and not being able

to just to relax back and know, okay, well, I don't know, maybe I screwed

something up, maybe I didn't. It's not the end of the world. I'm still a

good human being. I didn't have that capacity. It was like, oh, my God, the

little boy in me is getting in trouble from dad or mom, like I was

back as a kid. And so that little boy in me has gotta fight like

hell to make sure I don't get in trouble now. And it

just. It took me years to realize, no, I'm a fully grown

adult. I don't have to operate out of my. The. The child

GS in me, which is what I did and what a lot of

guys do until they learn to grow that part of them and have their

adult come to the table. Their adult who's capable, who's safe,

who can receive feedback and course correct as necessary,

had to develop that. Yeah, I can really appreciate

that. For I have a very strong wife, very powerful. So,

you know, a lot of the conversation, for sure, I'm keeping the brothers

and the men who are listening in mind. And also there is plenty that

I'm excited personally to dive in with you and uncover. And

I think one of the next piece of that that was coming through was,

did you have kids with. Do you. I know you, before we hopped on.

You have a child who's just graduate from college or going to college, something like

that. Was that from that marriage? Yeah, yeah. I have three kids from that

marriage. How did your patterns of reactivity

or defensiveness, how did that show up as a parent for you? What was

your relationship like at that time with your kids? It didn't show up.

That's the thing. That's the crazy thing. And I'll. I'll explain what I mean by

that. No, I was a great dad. I feel very. I

mean, if there's one thing I'm proud of most in my life, it's how is

what a dad I was. The relationship I have with my kids now is a

reflection of that. And the reason I'm saying it like that,

all the stuff I talked to you about earlier and even more that I haven't

even mentioned yet, all of my dysfunction comes in the

intimate relationship with my wife, because that's where it feels dangerous. Wasn't it

work? Work? I was bringing it in my. In my parenting life. I was bringing

it because those weren't. Those didn't touch a primal ret.

Space in me like intimate relationship does.

That's the thing that. That's the thing a lot of guys say to me. And

a lot of my clients, they're like, why am I so powerful at work? And

I go home and I'm such a limp rag. And I. And I give

them that same example. I'm like, because it doesn't touch you in the same primal

place, you know? And generally work is not a threat. Now, if you're going to

lose your job, then that's. That's different, but just the normal course of

work. So for me, I was very calm with my kids. I

had infinite space for them. I led them beautifully

because I didn't regress the way I did with my ex wife.

And that's the key difference that I. That I'm trying to make for the listeners

here is just like, you're gonna. This is the one place you're gonna feel the

most regressed. I don't know. You tell me, is it. Does it feel like that

way for you too? Oh, my goodness.

Spot on. And especially with the challenges at work, they may be

challenging, but nothing throws me off my center

like challenges in relationship. And it's as if

the challenges there affect every aspect

of my life. But if it's a challenge at work or a challenge with, you

know, fitness or my body, it feels much more compartmentalized.

Yeah. Like I can keep it where it is. I know how to manage it

and deal with it. But when it's a matter of my wife and I in

a challenge or I'm in a pattern of just shutting down, getting

passive aggressive, because my tendency

historically, and it's something I'm still working through, is whether there's an

argument or a conflict, I don't want to go there.

And she does, and she does. And so My pattern

would be we'd be laying in bed and I could have a

beyond, and I would cover my eyes, and I would close my arms and just

do this. And. And I've used sleep as an escape. And

I didn't realize that until, I don't know, until she really brought it to my

attention, like she does. And she's

would say, I can't even. How could you go to sleep? How could you.

The world's on fire here. Come on. And she would just be waking

up so angry. So to your, to your question. Yeah, that

is the area that has been the most challenging, the most confronting,

and also, like, the most nourishing. Like, there's nothing

like. I mean, I do love winning in business. Like, I do love my

calling, and I also want my wife to be along my side with

that. Yeah, it's, it's.

It's confounding for a lot of guys. And this is why I,

this is why I have the flavor of my work that I do and why

I wrote the book that I did. Because, you know, with.

With men's work, there's a lot of like, okay, I'm going to find my purpose,

I'm going to find my sovereignty, I'm going to find my spine and all these

things. Those, those are, those are absolutely critical. But it can't stop there.

If you're in relationship, you gotta go this step further and build the relational

skills. And that's what the book is about, is the relational skills

and how to be a strong, grounded man upright in my spine

and relational with my feminine partner. And that's the,

that's the unique combination that I'm going for in trying to teach guys is

how to be both of those at the same time. It's tricky, tricky dance, as

we all know. GS could you do me and us a

favor, you know, sharing with you before the podcast? Most of my listeners are men.

They've definitely heard me talk about, you know, masculine and feminine. But

just to set the tone, especially if this is someone's first episode and coming

in context with your philosophy, your view, worldview,

and what's really at the foundation of your teachings, can you just set

the frame of what is masculine, what is feminine? You know, I

have your book, the Masculine in Relationship, which is where we're going today. So can

you set some, some groundwork for where we're going to go?

Yeah, I want to. I want to give you the simplest answer possible. I

think that'll resonate the most with guys. Like, and again,

these Are energies. We should all know that these are energies. And even women

have masculine in them. It's just. It's the ratio that you have.

The masculine is directive and the feminine is

responsive. The masculine is.

Is leadership and directionality and protection and all those

things. And the feminine is. Is light and energy and life

force and. And all those things. I mean, think about it. If your wife went

away for five weeks doing whatever, you.

You'd probably sit around and work the whole time. 100%. I'd sit and

meditate and I'd work. Yeah, exactly. Do your work. Whether it's your work

work or your personal work. Yes. And you get up and you fucking pound

it out. And then at the end of three weeks, you're like, my life is

so boring, I want to kill myself. You know, because that's where

purpose built. And so they bring the life force and the energy and the

movement to us that we wouldn't necessarily tend

towards left on our own. And that's the beautiful combination. And for them, we

have the groundedness and the stillness and the directionality. And

that's a beautiful combination when you put those two together. And that's why we. That's

why we tend towards relationships. So, yeah, I just say

directionality and responsiveness. Now, having

said that, let me give you a different kind of answer. The reason

I wrote the book is because, well, one, there weren't any

great books other than, like, David's stuff at that time.

Although Robert Glover's book was out then too, and that's a masterpiece. So aside from

those books, there wasn't a lot out there. So I wrote the book that I

wanted to find, which was, how could I be more in my masculine? I

obviously effed up a relationship with a very strong, powerful woman. We

had kids together, and we still couldn't make it work. Work. I didn't feel like

in my. My full manlihood in that one, because I

wasn't. I wasn't bringing the. The leadership and the other qualities.

So what I wanted to create was a template that any guy could follow.

And this is, you know, masculinity shouldn't be the domain of the guys who are

just tall and smart and rich and clever and all, you know, the gifted ones.

How about for the rest of us? You know, like, everybody. Everybody,

every man should have this, no matter what their physical

makeup or their financial makeup or just anything else.

So I wanted a template that any guy could follow or embody,

and if he did, he would be living more in his masculine. And that's what's

in the book is the, is what I call the masculine blueprint. And it's a

three part framework. I always try to break things down into threes because I

think guys sort of get that. It's like PowerPoint slides, you know, three

bullets make sense to the human brain. So it can be very

actionable for guys. And here's what I came up with. If I distilled down

like if I observed masculinity in the world and what I observed that felt like

powerful and masculine. I boiled it down into

three principles. And one is respond versus react. Two

is provide structure. Three is create safety. So

respond versus react is. It's the groundedness, it's

the stillness, it's the choicefulness. When you observe a guy

that's got this quality, you can feel it, the way he talks, the way he

moves through space, the way he gestures. And so

this is first and foremost, the foundational element is you just got to have your

nervous system grounded. If your nervous system is not grounded, just doesn't matter what you

do, it doesn't matter what cool thing you read about or saw in a video

or saw David Data's workshop. It's going to fly out your

mind when you need it the most, these cognitive things. So you've got to get

your nervous system right. And so I talk ad

nauseam about embodiment work and guys have to have a daily embodiment

practice. It sounds like you, you do, or at least a meditation practice. So that's

great, you've got a daily practice and I absolutely recommend that

to, to all men. So that's the first part of the

blueprint. Respond versus react or get grounded is the easy way

to say it. The second one is provide structure. This is about leadership.

Leadership in day to day life, Leadership in your financial matters, leadership

in the sexual domain, leadership in the emotional

domain of your life together. Those are the three areas that I talk about a

lot with guys. Like the day to day logistical, the emotional and then the

sexual. How can you lead in all of those areas? And so that's the

second element of the blueprint. And then the third element is create

safety. And this is about having your woman feel

safe. Emotionally safe, financially safe. Yeah. Physically

safe. Yeah. In the book I focus most on what

guys understand the least, which is emotional safety. And so

if you can make her feel safe, it's going to open up all kinds of

things. And you know, if you've got the same complaint that a lot of guys

have, they're like, oh, Man, I'm not having enough, enough sex.

It's probably because she's not trusting you and feeling safe with

you. And that could be for a lot of reasons, but that's usually the

prime, the prime cause of, of a lack of sexuality in a

relationship. So I'll just wrap that up.

That three part blueprint was, was what turned into my offering to the world

of like, hey, I think this is, to me, this is what

masculinity is all about. Embody these three qualities and you will be,

you will be living from your masculine core.

Thank you. And when I read the book or started reading, I

think I'm almost three quarters of the way through just in the last week.

What really spoke to me is because I've done a fair bit of men's work,

I lead men's work. It's an ongoing process. For sure. I'm super big on

everything you said, the daily practice, nervous system regulation,

grounding, etc. And yet I've

found even in my life, and for sure, a lot of guys that I coach,

it's not the same as being in a relationship. Like, I could

do all the work by myself in my. Which

it's fundamental, it's foundational. Like, I could do all the ego

eradicator and I could do the QI generator for whatever

long. But it's really different when I'm

faced with my wife, who's got a strong personality, and it

brings up so much stuff from my

parents and how I was raised and wasn't, you know, what I had, what I

didn't have. And so there's something that you said in the book, and I'll

do my best to quote it because it was one of the most.

I think it's one of the biggest pieces of your book, or at least one

of the biggest pieces that like, really took me back

in my seat. And it was something to the effect of, you may not

have been the problem, but you are the solution. Yeah, something like

that. And so I want to unpack that with you because.

I'll just speak for myself and the men that I've worked with. We do want

to lead in our relationships lovingly and powerfully. And from that place

and distinguishing, I think there's been a challenge or

resistance to what's her work, what's my work, what's our work?

And so can you explain that concept of I may

not have been the problem, but I am the solution? And I really want to

go deep with you on that. Yeah,

yeah. Then what you said is one of the biggest things is like, is it

her fault or is it my fault that we're having this fight right now? And

I did some videos in my companion course. So anybody that wants to see those

videos, go check it out. But the quote that you're talking about is you

may or may not be the problem, but you are the solution.

And that's the mindset. I want guys to get in. There's too much time

spent, like, whose fault is this? Who caused this? Well, I wouldn't have

done that if you hadn't done that. And, you know, everybody's trying to show that

the other person was upstream and causing the current problem, the current

conflict. What I encourage men to do is forget about

that. Stop trying to get out of trouble. You're not a little boy

anymore. You're an adult man. You don't get into trouble.

Just let that sink in. You're an adult man unless you broke the law.

You don't get into trouble unless you allow yourself.

And so get past the whose fault is this? And like, then

it's going to sound like, I mean, it can sound like a lot of things,

but it's like, you know, baby, let's just pause for a second. Both of

us are getting spun up and we're trying to blame each other. And let's just

remember that we're allies in this. I want us to take just a 20 minute

break and then let's come back and let's talk about this.

So he's noticing, his awareness is wide enough

that he notices that they're just doing this going down the drain. Both

nervous systems are jacked up. So instead of having his

fixation of like, oh shit, oh shit, I got to win this fight. He's got

the wider awareness that he can notice they're going down the drain

and then have the wherewithal and the strength of

will, I guess, to say we need to pause for a

second because we're, we're not getting anywhere. I don't know how we got here,

but, you know, this is what he says inside. I don't know how we got

here, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna lead us to, into a better place. And then

he puts the pattern interrupt into the fight and just

pauses. And so that's, that's leadership. That's emotional leadership right

there. And if you're going to get to that place of leadership, you got to

let go of like, is this my fault or hers? And that bickering that back

and forth and say, no, I don't I don't care whose fucking fault this was.

I'm going to lead us to a better place. He says that to himself. He

didn't say that to her. So that's the,

that's the background behind that quote. So one I'm

hearing, it takes awareness. It's the first step that you guys are.

Both two are spinning into their repetitive pattern.

You know, it takes a willingness to do things differently and do the pattern break.

And what else does it take for a man to lead that moment?

Because one of the things, like, we got a two and a half year old.

Yeah. And like, I'll do my best to bring

more of my practice all throughout my day. So it's not just a meditative practice

where I'm sitting on the cushion and she's sick

right now. My son's sick, I'm working, I'm stepping up,

sleep deprived. So who. A man who may not be at

his best. I'd love for you to speak. What else does it take to

lead that moment? Especially with the chaos or the challenges or

the responsibilities of the day? Yeah. Well, two things. One

is the grounded nervous system that I talked about before. You know, to even have

that wider awareness, your nervous system have to have a certain level of

groundedness. The other is.

I'm glad you asked this, because this is something I've thought about. I'm not sure

I've talked about it before, but how do I put

it? You got to have stamina.

You got to have capacity to show up. Just like in,

in any sports environment, you know, fourth quarter,

baby, step up. You know, like, and got, you know, guys doing

this on the sideline. Like, we all know, fourth quarter, you're tired,

you're beat, who's going to step up? Who's going to power through

the fatigue? And that's a little bit of, you know, having been there myself

with, with kids, it's like sometimes you got to step up and not

whine because, you know, we hit our point of fatigue and then we just started

to go into blame mode. Like, this is, you know, it's because she's not doing

X, Y and Z that I'm so tired. And that's, that's a way to try

to relieve our fatigue is like somehow if we think it's somebody else's fault and

they're not carrying their weight, that somehow that'll make our fatigue feel better. That's

not really helping the situation, at least not relationally.

So sometimes when you're tired, you gotta, you just have to step up

past your own fatigue. And there's another quote in the book. I don't know if

you've hit it yet, but it is.

Sometimes the masculine burden is the suffer in silence.

Now, I'm a big believer in boundaries. You got to have boundaries. So let's just.

That's established. So, boom, now we take a step beyond that. And sometimes

you just got to suck it up and suffer in silence. Yeah, I get. You're

tired, and your family doesn't need

your fatigue and your grouchiness right now, so you've got to

step up. And yeah, she's sick. The

kid's sick. You're. You're busting your ass, and

it sounds like your time to suffer in silence and get her done.

So I. I think that those are the two pieces of advice that I would

give to any man in that kind of situation. Yeah, I

appreciate that. That lands. Having had enough of these interviews,

I know that there's guys out there, whoa. But there is an

imbalance. I'm doing way more work. You know, what about her is what the guys

say? And what I say is, yeah, offline,

if there's a, you know, if she's just sitting around eating bon bons offline,

then there is a. You. You're going to have to have that conversation with her

and start to set expectations and division of labor and.

And all those things. But in the moment, that's not the time

to just bitch and moan about how. How you

know how much more you're doing. So I just want to draw that distinction. Sometimes

you have to step up. But then if there is more of a chronic imbalance,

that's the kind of thing you handle offline. Does that make sense?

Sure. What. What would you suggest then of any

thoughts or advice on how to bring that. If it does feel

like an unequal distribution of work, like both parties

aren't either valuing each other's work as much or it doesn't feel

fair. How would you bring that conversation? How would you lead that

discussion? Because I imagine there's a lot of emotions tied to that.

Definitely. And the tendency would be to come in hot like, what the.

Right. That's not going to get you anywhere. Because right out of the gate, she's

going to be defensive. When you come in hot like that, but you come in

with. It's funny. I just gave this advice on my group coaching call about an

hour ago to a guy, and you just come in and be like, baby, I

notice I'm feeling a bunch of Resentment right now because I feel like

I'm carrying more than my share of the load, but

maybe you feel the same. I'm not sure. How are you feeling about our

division of labor around here? So you come in first with self

disclosure rather than hiding your cards and kind of just leaking it out the side.

And then you get curious, like, how do you see it? Because it's not just

about you coming in and giving your point of view and that's it.

And then it's like, okay, let's talk about this. Maybe there's something we

can do. So you get it on the table, but you do it first by

owning your frustration rather than having it back here where she can smell it,

even though you're trying to hide it. And then curiosity.

Those are the two. Those are two of the techniques you use to have a

hard conversation like that. Okay. And if she were to voice

that, let's just say the man says, I feel like I'm doing 70% of

the work here and you're doing 30% or your contribution. And

she's doesn't see it that way. She's like, no, you have no idea how much

it takes to raise kids or whatever she's doing in

that situation. If what you're saying or what you're presenting is

not being heard or not feeling fair on both sides. Yeah.

What would be your next thought? I'd go

constructive. So I think it's part of the masculine

Persona to not just bitch about things, but to come up with constructive solutions at

times. And so a guy in that situation, I would. One of the

first things I'd recommend is he just say, okay, I get that we see

it differently. I think that we need to bring more resources to bear. And

this is where, like, if it's parents who like, let's get a mother's helper,

let's get her a nanny, where you start to bring extra

resources to bear. So, all right, well, let's brainstorm how we can leverage ourselves even

more. And, you know, I'm willing to pay the money because I'm at the end

of my rope. I'm so tired. It's not discounting her

position, her view and how she feels. It's constructively creating

a solution. Is that fair to say? I think there's just probably a certain

percentage of situations where a guy will need to call bullshit because she is sitting

around eating bon bons. So let's just know there's some percentage of that where you're

just going to. She's full of. But let's put those aside.

Let's say that she's genuinely like. You really don't

understand what it's like to sit or sit home with the kids all day and

how much work it actually is. That's probably more of the 70, 80%

of the categories, if not more so. Yeah. You know,

unless there's some obvious ways to call bullshit, then you gotta trust, you know, you

gotta trust her, otherwise she's gonna feel very invalidated by you if

you're like, no, no, no, this is easy. You're just whining,

you know, that's going to really be very corrosive in the relationship. So you believe

her. Yeah. In most cases, unless. Unless you're calling bullshit for a good reason,

you. You believe her and then get constructed from there. Okay. With that as

our basis of, of common ground, what more

resources can we bring to bear? That would be how I would handle it.

Yeah. Yeah. That lands. Good. Okay. And this is connected to this

as well. But this is something we talked about or you mentioned earlier when

you're talking about. Or the vision that I was having when you were talking about.

Your ex wife is very strong. I'm feeling into my wife. Very strong and

powerful. And there's plenty of times, I

think in the book you use the word testing. So testing,

complaints. What in your perspective

is oftentimes the testing or the complaints of a woman showing

a man.

Let's see, testing and complaints are. I'd put them

in different categories. Cool. You know, I mean,

complaints. This is, this is like the issue. Right. For all

guys. We feel like our women complain at us and tell us what we're doing

wrong. Way too much. I mean, raise your hand if you're in this room and

feel like that like you and I are going to both put our hands up.

Yeah. We feel like women complain too much.

And I always, I always say just, you know, there's

going to be a certain. There's a certain segment of women that are just

complainers and they make shit up. But that's

this really small percentage. Most of them are expressing some kind of genuine

pain of the, of the, you know. Right. Women I've talked

to in, in my work, I talk to a lot of spouses

of my clients because it helps me see the other side of things. You

know, rarely do I find somebody that's. That's, I

don't know, just a crotchety old bitch. Like when she does making stuff up to

make your life miserable, like, it's really rare. Usually I

find They've got, they're very earnest and they have, they have genuine

complaints. Now here's the problem with complaints.

Like, we're guys, we do, I mean, we do so much good in the world.

We also do stupid in, in the relational space. It's just, okay, so

let's just acknowledge that. So we do something

non relational. That's usually what it is. And then she

gets a little tweaked, but then it reminds her subconscious of that

bad thing that happened in her childhood and with her last boyfriend and then her

father and all her childhood wounding,

which is somewhat similar to the little thing that you did,

injects a shitload of energy into how she feels about what just happened

with you. You said we do something non relational. Can you just clarify

that for a moment? Yeah. It's like, we're guys,

we're islands. We make decisions for ourselves and we kind

of consider ourselves mostly in many of our decisions.

Sometimes we don't think how it's going to impact her. So if

you're throwing a, I don't know, I'm going to make something up here, you're throwing

a dinner party and you're like, I'll get some food on the way home that,

you know, that we can put out some finger foods. And you go and get,

I don't know, pigs in a blanket or something. And you know that she

takes pride in kind of presenting a good

feast, you know, and you get pigs in a blanket. She's going to be like,

what the fuck are you thinking? Like, and now it's

touching a nerve in her because she gets super embarrassed when, when everything's not right

when she hosts. That's you not thinking through the

impact of your actions. You're focused. You're like, I got to get this and get

home. You know, you're like this, grab the pigs in the blanket. You're not

thinking about the impact of your actions on her. That's what's, that's part of what

non being, non relational means. You're not, you're not

considering the impact on others in particular and in particular her.

So we do non relational stuff because we're guys and we just tend to get

our blinders on and we're task oriented, which is great in so many areas, but

in the relational space it can be challenging. So she complained,

you do this non relational thing. She has a feeling this big,

touches a nerve, injects energy. Suddenly how she feels about it goes

to this. And so you did this. But her reaction

feels like you did this, and then she throws that back at you and

expects you to swallow the whole stack of intensity.

Because women are not very good at separating out what happened in their childhood with

what happened now. Guys aren't good at it either, but because women feel

twice as much as we do, it's harder

for them to separate that out. And so she comes at you with a ferocity

that seems way out of proportion to what you did. And

that's where it's like, fuck, she's always complaining and bitching

at me. Guys get that complaint fatigue.

What I work with guys on is, yes, she's

given you a fireball that's this big. But really scrutinize

what your part is. What part of that is, where is she right? Where is

she speaking truth? If you can

discern that as a guy and quickly own just that

piece, you'll find the whole fireball kind of goes away.

You don't have to swallow the whole stack of her intensity

because a lot of that came from her past. You don't have to tell her

that. You just have to own the piece. And you're right. You're baby. Oh, my

God, you are so right. I. I should know that you don't like pigs in

a blanket. That. That would embarrass you. And I should have picked up the, you

know, the spanakopita or something, because I know that you like that. You did that

at her last dinner party and it went well. And you're right, I was. I

was rushing through that. Whereas her complaints are

like, you always do this and you don't care about me. Like,

she's throwing all kinds of bigger complaints at you. Own that

piece really powerfully, and you'll find that the. The whole rest

of that goes away. So that's one of the ways that I, that I teach

guys how to think about the, you know, the phenomena known as complaint,

feminine complaint. And would you say GS as well?

Like you just said, if you own your part in it, you'll see the intensity

of it likely go down. Would you also. Have you also seen

that the frequency of complaints going down as

well? Like, not just in that moment, but also if you're getting hit, like, by

a machine gun during the day of. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Absolutely. Yeah. She starts to trust you. She starts because right now

she doesn't feel like you're going to be responsive because for the last five years,

you've been defensive every time she complained about something. So she's got to get

louder and louder and character assassinate you even more to kind

of justify the intensity of her own feelings.

Yeah, it'll start to go down as she trusts you to be

receptive. That's emotional safety right there, by the way. She feels like she

can put something out there and you'll, you won't just dismiss it or

gaslight her or tell her she's wrong or silly to feel that way. She feels

like it doesn't mean you have to agree with her story. Let's just be clear,

like the story that she has about you. You don't have to agree with that.

You agree with that. That it would be very hard

for you to come home with pigs in a blanket when

you know that she likes to put on a little bit more of a sophisticated

show showing when she hosts. So

anyway, that's, that's kind of how I think about feminine complaint.

Cool. That makes sense. What about, you know, you have a, I

think in the book, a section around leadership versus managing.

Like guys who are trying to manage a relationship around holding

back something that needs to be said or biting your tongue or being the nice

guy as opposed to stepping up into a leadership role.

Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty straightforward, not easy to do,

but pretty straightforward of trying to manage her experience

by what you do or don't disclose or what you do or don't bring to

the table. Like, you know that's going to piss your woman off real well. I

didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be upset. You know, that's not

going to work for most, most strong women, which is kind of the.

My audience is guys who are like you. You're with strong woman.

So yeah, you don't need to manage your woman's experience. You need to

self disclose your experience and be truthful

and heartful and genuine and candid and loving

and curious and let her own experience

kind of be what it is. But that this, it requires you to do be

all those things that I just described. And

that's, that's, that's the advice I would give to guys in a situation like that.

You know, you talked about conflict. What's some of the most common advice that you

keep reiterating over and over? Like the same thing

that keeps showing up in your coaching work. Guys

trying to work out with her when one or more nervous

systems is jacked, it's like they just keep going at it

and nothing ever gets solved. When, when the nervous systems are jacked, one

or both. I just want to let that

sink in. Nothing's Gonna solve doesn't matter how many workshops you go to,

how many books you read and how many cool like ways of

David Data told me to handle it this way. All that just

goes out the window when things are all fired up. And so

tend to the nervous systems first. That's the thing I think guys

forget the most. If there was a number two, it would be around

defensiveness and that really showing them and

the corrosive effect of their defensiveness and how it has their woman feel

just oh just like chronically unheard and

unseen and unfelt and unless unhonored new

word. I think guys don't realize that they're like

she has her facts wrong. And of course that's not the point.

So giving guys alternatives to being defensive is probably number

two. Okay, okay. With the first piece

of training the nervous system. If someone was listening to this and they wanted to

practice, like get right into practice, what's one

or two that you can suggest a guy listen to the show right now? Hey,

if you're having difficulty, you feel like your nervous system is nowhere near

the level to support a strong woman or what you really want to do as

a, as a self led man and a leader for the family. What could you

offer in terms of, you know, strengthening that?

Well, I would, I would add a physical compound. I'm going to pick this because

you said you were a meditator. I would add a physical component to meditation.

So I would. With meditation there's lots

of different schools of thought and different techniques. But basically it's like close your

eyes, breathe naturally, notice the thoughts

that start to arise and don't identify with them. Just let it like, like

a bowl, just let them pass on by and then

sit and then another thought will come up and you practice and you say to

yourself, thinking, thinking, right. That's a common, common technique. And

meditationists that say thinking, thinking and you let it back.

That's how most people are taught to meditate and that's how most people,

no matter what they've been taught, end up practicing. Most beginners, it's not much more

sophisticated than that. The problem is they, they,

there's nothing physical about it. And so it's, it's kind of my mind

governing my mind. It's like my mind having an

intention to not think about things. But it's,

wait a minute. But the mind is the thing that's doing the thinking. So how

do I govern myself? And, and, and then what?

Basically the net effect of that is guys who try to meditate and start A

practice just keep drifting off into thought. And at some point they're like, screw this,

man. This doesn't work. I can't. I can't stay focused. I

happen to think there's. Because they're not practicing with enough of a physical

component. Not that some schools of meditation don't have, like,

body scans and things like that, like some of them do. It's just that people

don't practice that way. That's what I'm talking about. The average guy doesn't really do

that very well. So what I would say to any

meditator is bring in a sensation into your

meditation practice. So the one I always say is just let's use gravity.

So even as you look at me, can you drop

50% of your attention down to your butt and this chair you're sitting in? I

think you're sitting, not standing. Yeah. Yep. And feel.

Just feel your weight pressing down into the chair. Actually

close your eyes first and give it all your attention. Just kind of find that

sensation of weight and just feel it. Just like if I was playing

music and I was telling you to listen to it. You just continuously listen. But

here you're just continuously feeling that sensation of weight. And now you're

going to open your eyes back up and look at me. But keep

50% of your awareness there and then 50% with me in this relational

space between the two of us. And then.

When actually close your eyes again because. Cause I probably should have taken you here

first. But when a thought comes up, don't say

thinking. Thinking. And try to not think it. Don't do that.

Just turn your awareness away from that thought towards this

sensation of weight. And then feel your

weight. And then another. Another thought will come up. It

happens. That's okay. Okay, there it is. Now I'm just gonna choose to turn my.

My attention back to my feeling of weight and just feel.

So what you're doing is not. You're not. Not doing something.

That's the problem with this. A lot of meditation as it's practiced by

beginners, it's asking you to do a

negative. You can. You can come out of that. Now it's asking you to do

a negative. Don't think about the thoughts that arise within your mind and your awareness.

I find it very hard to do a negative. I would rather do something. I

would rather. Instead of not putting my awareness on something, I'd rather put it on

something. So I don't care about the thought. I just noticed the thought and I

just turned my attention back to the feeling of weight. I have found

that my meditation skyrocketed after I did. After I started that

one technique. There's other techniques, but that one technique. So

it's a, it's, you know, an embodiment principle is to use physicality

to, to help train your awareness. And so that's what we did. We just added

that little element of physicality to, to how most

people do their meditation, which is very

mind based. I think it's a problem I have with, with

a lot of the practices I've seen out there is. It's very, very. It's all

very mental and you can't. It can't be mental. You don't want to be

mental. We do a good job of being mental with all our intellectualizing

as guys anyway, so that's one,

that's one technique that I like to use. Yeah, I love

that. Another. I'll just say it real quick. Another. And I won't go into it

as much, but another one is, is I. I have these standing practices that

root you into the ground even more. Again, we're using gravity. I like to use

gravity a lot. But I have some practices that I do that kind of root

in your. And, and why those are powerful is because now

let's pretend like I'm your girlfriend or I'm. I'm you and you're

your girlfriend, you know, like. And we're having this fight and

unfortunately our mind goes into like, oh, oh, I got to get out of trouble

mode. And then we become very non relational.

What I want to do is give these guys a technique they can use in

the moment. So with all these what I call ground connection techniques,

you can be there with your woman and you can feel the heat coming up.

And you just remember, you remember your feet. That's the thing I say to say

to yourself. Remember my feet. Okay. And you feel your weight. So I'm going to.

I'll challenge you, Mike. It's the next time you guys are having a. Having a

bit of a throwdown. Just remember the weight, the feeling of weight on

your. You can't see me. I'm pointing. Just remember your feet. And I'm telling

you, this works for me like magic. And I don't think I'm any different than

any other guy here. I just. If I'm going back and forth and

I remember this. Okay, remember my weight.

My anxiety comes down by about 50% instantly.

It really is like magic. And few things are in this space are like magic.

This is one of them. It really so if you can just feel that

sensation of weight, it's going to anchor you back into kind of the present moment

rather than to the oh, oh realm that your awareness has gone

into. So that's another one that I, that I work with guys a lot.

Challenge accepted. Yeah, I'll definitely

hear. I'll you. You got it. Just feeling into

that exercise. I mean, I could just feel and sense just

my energy from in the head. Like right now we're having a very

thought driven conversation. So I'm more up here. And

immediately I just felt more settled, more grounded, more rooted, more

calm. And in that, you know, it goes

back to, I think the first pillar in your work are the first step,

which is respond versus react. It's going to be damn near not

impossible. But if, like you said, she spun up, I'm split

up. I'm going into anxiety, not even realizing I'm bringing stuff from mom

or dad, how I was raised. There's all those patterns. So

to get into the feet and feel the feet,

grounding, centering, and then from that place, see

what emerges. It also reminds me. So one of the best pieces of advice

our mutual friend Ted Rider gave me. So I've

gotten. He's been such a. Yeah, just a solid teacher. And

usually before, when I lead retreats, we'll usually get together, I'll share if

there's a new exercise or new something that I want to bring. He'll give me

feedback. And this was maybe two years ago, maybe

less. And I shared with him, he's like, this is great. And he goes, where's

the embodiment piece of it? And I was like, wait, that this, like, this

could be embodied? Like, we can bring that. He's like, mike,

everything can be embodied. And the way that he said it and the

delivery of it, I was like,

okay. And it's been such a, such

a powerful and profound impact in my

work, with myself, in relationship, in the men's work that I lead. Like,

what if everything could be embodied? And so I appreciate you

bringing that to the meditative practice as well. Yeah. One of the

most rewarding things for me is to the guys in my boot camp, which is

kind of my primary program, you know, about

six weeks in, they're like, this embodiment shit's really working. I'm

like, crap with my wife. This is awesome. And I'm like, hell yeah,

man. Hell yeah. Because, you know, a lot of guys say it and it happens

pretty much every time we do the program. Yeah, it makes a big difference.

It really changes, changes things without even all the cool techniques that come

after that. Even if you just got that one thing down, you know, it would

really help a guy in his relationship with that. What

is either surprised you most personally of taking

this masculine, you know, leading more powerfully,

more loving in relationship, or from some of the guys that you worked with, like,

what's been one of the greatest surprises and how has that looked for

him? A couple of them of like.

I don't know if I should say this, but I would say for guys, especially

guys who are single. Do you have, I mean, you think a lot of your

audience is single single guys? I would say more in the

realm of fathers and in relationship, we definitely got some single, but

more, more parents and. Okay, well, I'll try to lump all this together.

If you're, if you're a single guy, you're going to start punching above your weight

class. And if you're a married guy,

you're going to be amazed at how different things could be because the,

the woman you see now, she's, she's just chronically cranky and

doesn't want to have sex with you and blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and

you're like, oh my God, who has she become? You'll be shocked at how much

you can turn things around. When you start really honoring these principles

of masculine feminine dynamics and in bringing more of this, this

blueprint, you will be surprised. You'll be like, who is this

new person I just got, you know, married to? Because I thought,

you know, I thought I was going to, you know, not be able to survive

the woman that she had become. And so you're going to be amazed at how

you can turn things around. I would say that's probably the

biggest surprise I can say right now. When I

started doing the work, I've been with my woman for about 12 years. So when

I started the work almost 20 years ago, I think

the woman I'm with now would have chewed me up. It spit me out.

And what I mean is not that she would be

abusive. That's not what I'm talking about. It's like I wouldn't be able to

handle her big emotions and her power and

her big emotions are the flip side of what's completely,

absolutely, mind blowingly amazing about her. So you can't separate those

two things. So I'm not sure I would have been able to ride that wave

without this kind of work. It's really big grounded

foundation of this work. And so that's cool because

you know, 10 years ago, she was a lot harder than she is

now. But guess what? She didn't change at all. I mean, she has.

She's grown. But what I'm referring to is I think my capacity

to ride that wave of a powerful woman really grew so much

through the men's work of the last 20 years that I've done. So I think

that's what's possible for all guys. It'll get easier, and it

won't actually be her changings at first. It'll be you changing at first.

And then what happens is you evoke something different in her. So she goes from

being a monster to your little kitten. And

all that's possible for you with this work. That's why it's just so powerful. And

I know that's what drew you to it. And probably we. Most of the guys

listening, because they have. They have a sense of what's possible. And I'm here to

tell you damn right it is possible. I love hearing that

because. And this is 100% honest,

what I've realized is, like, all the menswear, like, it's been such a

great foundation. Like, it really, like, without that, without the nervous system

regulation, without the daily practice and the

integrity inventory and all that stuff, the relational world

is a different animal. And so to develop,

to be really artful and skillful with that is I really

feel the next path or the next piece of my journey as a

man. So that's when I found your book. I was like. And

then we have dialed alignment in terms of how a lot of

the fundamental stuff that you believe and you teach. I was like, wow, this is

the first book. And I finally feel like I'm ready for it.

So I'm grateful about that. And, you know, one of the things that

you shared about it earlier, but I was hoping you could dive a bit deeper.

You know, that piece of creating safety in a relationship.

There's still a part of me, and I would imagine in men

too, in terms of. I'll do the best that I can to

articulate this, but I think there's partially a thought

of, like, safety is created internally. Like, I create

safety within myself, and she creates safety within herself.

And then what we're talking about is the safety that we can create in her

just by how we're leading and showing up. Can you unpack

that a bit more? Especially from the viewpoint of. Because it doesn't sound like she's

responsible 100 for her safety. I'm with mine. And then is that

I'm doing my best to articulate that. If you can pick that up.

Part of what it seems like you're asking is, is like,

is she. What's her role in this? I don't know. Tell me. Sure. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, that in. Go with that. Why do you GS. Why do you keep talking

about, like, all you. The guy has to do, like, what the hell is she

doing? And that. That's a huge. I get so many Instagram comments

when I do a post, and the guys are like, what about her?

And here's what I say, guys, at first,

don't worry about her, because what that's doing is taking your awareness

off what you need to handle. It's like water finds

the lowest point. Like, give it a. If you give it a lower point, it's

going to go there. So if you. If you're like, what is she doing? You're

all your awareness is going to go there and you're going to. You're going to

pass right by, like, oh, actually, I'm an empowered man. I actually have

the power to change this. I don't need to sit around and hope and pray

that she changes. So at first I say, guys,

don't. Don't worry about her. You bring

something different. Because a key difference between the masculine, feminine is

our way of being is often. Is kind of unto ourselves. Their way of

being is often a response to us. It's usually what we're

bringing into the space, and then they're having some kind of reaction to it. Now,

that doesn't mean that everything bad that happens is our fault. It just means

they tend to be more responsive, whereas we tend to be more directive.

So I say, guys, worry about you first, Worry about your

nervous system first and foremost, and then after that, worry about how you interact with

her relationally. I guarantee, except

when there's extenuating circumstances. I guarantee when you're more

relational from a grounded place, she will become

softer, less critical, more

interested in sexuality with you again, barring other factors,

without you demanding that she change, without you hoping that she change,

without you sitting around bitching until she does change. She will change

when you do. And you could see that in one of two ways.

One is, oh, why do I have to do everything? Which is the, you know,

the thing that I hear from a lot of guys. Or you could see it

in a different way. And that different way is,

wow, I'm so powerful in this world. I can actually

evoke and change her without even having to ask her

by just bringing something different. You will evoke. When you're more relational, you'll

evoke different behavior in her. So I say guys, do that for

six months. Live the blueprint. I say this to guys, especially ones that are thinking

about leaving their relationship. I say live the blueprint for six months.

Don't throw stones. Be different. Bring

something different. See what happens first. More than likely

she's going to start changing. If she doesn't, then,

you know, you left it all in the field. Really, truly. Live the

blueprint for three months, six months, you know, and

that's, that's the point where you have to start deciding as a, as a sovereign,

choiceful man, this is the relationship I want to be

in. And I, I tell

guys in relation to that, like, you gotta be unafraid to lose her. You

gotta be unafraid to move on or hold your ground

when things aren't right, when she's breaking a boundary.

And if you've lived the blueprint for six months and

nothing's changed, then, you know, you have a knowing inside of you like,

this may not actually be my best fit. I may not be able to really

flourish fully as a man in this relationship. And then you had.

That's the ultimate freedom. That's the ultimate freedom. So I, I try

to put this out there as freedom rather than burden in terms

of the responsibility to me, okay, I talked a lot, so I'll throw it back

to you. But that's what comes up for me. I really appreciate.

Like, it feels more empowering. It feels like immediately, like,

it feels more empowering. It feels like I do have some control over my piece

in that. There's also a commitment and a discipline around it.

Right. There's a, There's a discipline to

myself, my own growth to the relationship, to putting

in the work that I can put in. And I love to stick to it

for six months. And then you'll know, like, you'll have greater

clarity on what this stuff can do for you. But that's the difference.

Even what you said earlier around, it's a difference between reading this stuff in a

book or just reading it and then letting it sit there as opposed to reading

it and then actually employing it, embodying it, living it out.

And so, you know, with that, as we, as we bring this to a wrap,

I would love to hear from you. Is there anything that we haven't

gone through or. I know there's a lot that we haven't gone through, but is

there anything that you would really want to anchor in for anybody?

Listen, based off the conversation we have had. If they want to step up

as a stronger, more loving relational leader in their,

in their life. Well, we didn't cover sexual leadership.

Can you share briefly on that? You got a few minutes to share? Just.

Yeah. Sexual leadership is. It's like instead

of bitching about how much, how little sex you're getting, it's like, what are

you doing about it? How are you leading her to her

arousal? Not just, you know, creeping her, I'm being figurative

when I say this. But not just creeping around, waiting for her to feel horny

and then pouncing. Like, how are you actually leading her

to her, to her arousal? And

this is something we have a whole module in the, in the boot camp program

that I do a few times a year. And it's, it's, it's like,

what can you do well before the bedroom to kind of

create the conditions and, and the biggest one is connection. If she's not

emotionally connected to you, she probably isn't wanting to really that interested in having

a lot of sex with you. And that's sort of, there's sort of a continuum,

a spectrum of how true that is for any given woman.

But at some point women are like, I just don't touch me because I don't

feel connected to you. And so I'd say, you know, guys who

aren't having as much sex in their otherwise healthy relationship

check in on how. On the level of trust and safety on her part and

the level of connection between the two of you, that's probably the culprit, at least

the first one that you want to check. So that's a big one.

And then there's, there's sort of in the bedroom and

bringing sexual leadership. And how do you, you know, how do you lead her to

be open to sexuality and through the initiation,

also expanding your repertoire, you know, like this part

of leadership is expanding your repertoire. And like I can remember

many years ago, my, my woman wasn't. She didn't really like vibrators,

but I found one called the wand. And it's a big ass vibrator that

it's, it goes on the outside, not the inside. And that ended up being

a really good sex toy. But I initiated that

because. Well, it doesn't matter what, but I initiated that. That was a, that was

a moment of sexual leadership on my part in the bedroom.

And how I take her, you know, like if we're on the couch and

kissing, and if I just stand up and throw her over my shoulder and carry

her back into the bedroom. Like that's sexual leadership. That's

you initiating being very potent in terms of initiation.

And then in the bedroom and you know, how do you control the action? And

I go through. We go. In my workshops, we do this

more. So we do a little bit in the boot camp. But I talk about

how do you control her body physically, how do you stimulate her

body? How do you control her? Not control, but how do you

stimulate her mentally? And we go through. I really try to

break down sexual leadership into different ways in the bedroom that you can lead. And

then we practice those. And so, I mean, there's just so much to learn

about sexual leadership that it's just very much the opposite

of sitting around bitching about how little sex you're getting.

So it's. It's fun. I. I did a. I did a cool workshop back in

October of last year around dark

sexual energy. And it was amazing. We brought in five female coaches

who were awesome. And it was. It was a great. Too bad, Too bad we

didn't know each other then. I know. Come down. We did a dam in Santa

Cruz. Oh, my wife lived in Santa Cruz for 10 years. Are

most of these workshops that you're leading in the bay and then when's the next

boot camp start? Yeah. So workshops. Let's just

be clear. This is live in person when we use the word workshop. So the

next one's in February in sayulita, Mexico, which is where I pretty much

do. I don't actually love doing workshops.

I like doing them. It's just the amount of work that we put in. And

so I do one a year. I guess that's what I'm saying is we do

one a year in sayulita, Mexico. And then the next boot camp,

which is an online program. It's a three month online program that starts

in January. And we filled up

nine in a row. So they. They typically always fill up. And that's only men

is for the. Boot camp, the workshop we're doing. Actually last year we did

our first couples workshop. So.

And so we're doing another couples one this year. Do you have the theme for

that one? Like you just said, the last one was dark sexual energy. Is there

a theme for this one or. I mean, the theme is how to be more

in your masculine, your feminine. So the women go with Lee, who's my partner.

Okay. For two days. And the men are with me for two days. We're going

to get grounded as hell. We're going to learn to learn how to speak our

Truth. We're going to learn how to initiate sexually and how to throw over our

shoulder and give her a little strength and take her to the bedroom. You know,

we're gonna, we're gonna play in those energies. Okay. And then on the third day,

well the, the in parallel, the women go with Lee and they, they get

into their bodies, into their feminine. It's very powerful. Then we come

together on the third day and we do some really great polarity work with each

other. And all my stuff is I

try to make it extremely practical. I don't, I'm not real big on the divine

this and the sacred that because I don't think regular guys really know what to

do with that. This is, this is about the kind of challenges you

actually come up against. And so I, I

try to make them very practical, very, very applicable to, to

their actual life and the challenges that guys see. So anyway, that's

the, that's the boot camp and the workshop. Beautiful. We'll make sure we'll put all

those links in the show notes and GS this has been so much fun, brother.

I'm so happy now I know you live. It was surprising. Almost as surprising

as Ted being in the Bay Area. And so I'm looking forward to staying

connected. And is there anything that you want to leave the listeners with

via and then you want to hit home or where to find. You know, we'll

put it all the links there. But any last things that you want. To leave

men, just, just get diligent. Quit getting so busy

with your kids and your in your work. Do this work.

Spend the time, spend the money. Whoever you do it with, just, just

spend it. Do the work. It will change your life.

It sucks walking around not feeling powerful. Sucks walking around

having your wife, you chronically upset with you. You can fix these things and

live a very different life. Life is short.

Don't sit around and just think about reading another book. That's

what I'd leave guys with. Amen. GS thank you so

much. I'm looking forward to staying in touch. And you have a beautiful day.

Yes.