Hey there, I got a direct message from Alice about family and

safety cues I'm going to dig into.

My name is Justin Sunseri.

I'm a therapist, a coach, and the creator of the Polyvagal Trauma Relief System.

Welcome to Stuck Not Broken.

This is where I teach you how to live with more calm, confidence, and connection

without psychobabble or woo woo.

Alright, so Alice sent me this DM on Instagram a while back, I don't check

Instagram very often at all, it's like the worst way to communicate with me

email is probably the best, I'll have a link in the description for my email.

She says, The problem I'm having is that my safety cues, and then she puts

in parentheses, in my normal state.

The problem I'm having is my safety cues in my normal state would be family or

close friends, like I call mom, etc.

but it's like they feel so closed off and I don't feel a sense of

relief or safe as I normally would.

So that's confusing to me.

Alice, thank you for the question.

What could be happening in general?

And Alice, I don't know you.

I'm not talking about you.

I'm just when I say you, I'm talking in general here.

When we're in a safety state, and actually I think that's

what you mean by normal state,

and first off, all of our states are normal.

The safety state is normal.

Flight fight is normal.

Shutdown is normal.

Even freeze is normal.

All these things evolved within us over millennia or

whatever for a very long time.

They all evolved within us to increase the chances of survival or to

optimize our resources based on what's happening in any given situation.

So they're all normal.

Safety state might feel better, but it's no more normal than the other states.

Just at least as a way to like normalize.

As a way to think about things a little bit differently with less judgment.

So that's just me nitpicking maybe, but I gotta put that out there.

So Alice says, the typical safety cues, those interpersonal ones,

With other people don't feel like safety cues when she's dysregulated.

So there's two things I want to address here.

The first one is that, and I don't think Alice is saying this, but

the first thing is that some people are flat out not safety cues.

Some people might give you danger cues.

They might be aggressive, they might be super anxious, they might

be very withdrawn and shut down.

All of these serve to Take us away from our, or they can take

us away from our own safety state.

So all of these can be mildly to overtly dysregulating.

So if people in your life that you think should be safety cues, like a spouse

significant other, children, parents, these might be people that you would

want to go to, to feel safe, but the reality is they might not be that person.

So that, that's one aspect of this is if, if you're hoping that, and

again, I'm saying you in general, if you're hoping or expecting that

someone should be a safety cue and they're not, that's just the way it is.

But I don't think that's what Alice is saying here.

The other side of this is that the other, the people in her life are safety cues.

are unable to receive it.

That's the other end of this.

And what happens is- when you're in your safety state, you can receive that.

That's probably not hard to, to be close to someone, to hug, to smile,

to make eye contact with them.

But when you're not in your safety state, when you're in more of

a dysregulated defensive state, flight, fight, shutdown, freeze.

When you're in more of a dysregulated defensive state, it's really

hard to accept safety cues.

It's not like something you choose.

This is all unconscious.

This is all done through neuroception.

If you don't know what that is or what the polyvagal theory is, go to my polyvagal

101 nine episodes series on my podcast.

There'll be a link in the description for you.

So if you're not in your safety state and you're in more of a

defensive state, it's hard to detect safety even when it's there.

So that might be kind of what she's expressing here.

The way that it might be helpful to think about this is that

whatever state you're in, that becomes your filter for the world.

So if you're in a safety state, the world sends its cues at you.

They pass through the filter and they get to you.

You're probably going to handle things more calmly.

More confidently, you're probably going to feel more connected.

That's what the safety state does.

Especially if you have a strong anchoring in your safety state, you'll

be able to maintain those experiences.

Even with people who are challenging your safety state, you're more likely

to stay anchored in your safety state.

But still, the world's going to send cues at you.

And it's going to get filtered through your state.

So when someone sends you a cue of slight defensive activation, your safety state

will filter that and you'll have empathy.

You may be able to relate.

You might be able to help them problem solve.

That's different than the, you know, than filtering the world

through a defensive state.

If you're in flight fight and the world sends its cues at you

you're going to filter them.

Through a lens or a filter of danger, you're going to already be anxious

and aggressive or and or aggressive.

So, you know, no matter what the world sends at you, even the people

that you care about, when they say something or even smile, it's going to

pass through or hug you or whatever.

It's going to pass through that filter of flight fight or of shutdown or a freeze.

So even though they haven't changed.

On their end, the signals they're sending are coming through that

defensive state filter that changes your reception of those cues, your state

and your state's filter changes how you receive the cues from the world.

But we're talking about other people, those interpersonal cues will change.

You'll experience them differently, even though the other person.

Didn't say it differently, didn't intend it differently.

On your end, you're receiving it differently.

So these other people in your life can still be safety cues, but on your end,

it's kind of up to you to first practice being a safety, practice anchoring safety,

build the strength of your safety state.

As you do that, when you're in a defensive state, it'll be more tolerable.

Your safety state will help to keep the intensity of your dysregulation or

of your defensive state at a minimum.

It's going to help soften the intensity of it.

And so if that's true, then you'll be able to anchor in safety and then allow a

little bit of that defensive activation.

And listen to what you need.

And maybe you need to go get a hug from someone and you'll be able to

say, Hey, I'm really stressed out.

I need a hug.

Maybe you'll, you know, realize that you need to be alone.

And you'll tell the people in your life, I care about you.

I'm not able to receive it right now.

Just give me some time to be alone and quiet.

And I'll come to you when I'm ready to.

But that requires that you You have some level of self regulation first.

And if you have enough self regulation, then you can listen to what you need.

And, and speak confidently about what you need with other people.

Not, not demanding it, but just telling them, you know, where you're

at and creating that healthy boundary.

And also letting them know, you know, where you're at

and what to expect from you.

And I guess that's, that's the ideal.

It's something that we, you could work towards.

It's not overnight building the strength of your safety state does take a while,

but it's super important in all this self development and trauma recovery stuff.

So, ideally, you have people in your life or pets that you're

receiving safety cues from.

Fantastic.

But if you're in a state where you're too dysregulated and you can't receive the

interpersonal safety cues, then you might rely instead on a couple other avenues.

One of those being the environmental safety cues.

So maybe being with people is not working out for you.

And instead you have to receive safety from the environment.

I really encourage you, and this is something I work on with my students

in building safety anchors, is identifying a safety spot in your home.

A place you can go to where you feel grounded, or more

grounded, more connected.

You feel more anchored in your safety state.

So if you can't get it from people, then turn to the environment.

If you can't get it from the environment, then turn to movements,

music thoughts in your brain.

There's, there's a bunch of different ways you can anchor in safety.

And I teach all those in my course.

I can't go into it here.

Thank you Alice for the question, and thank you viewer

for hanging out and watching.

If you're interested in joining me and my private community, and

in my trauma recovery courses, Follow the link in the description.

It's justinlmft.

com slash total access.

Again, justinlmft.

com slash total access.

You'll get access, total access to my trauma recovery courses, three of them.

You get access to my private community as well.

It's a really great little group of people who are supportive and

encouraging and help each other out with really healthy boundaries, but

also with pictures of their plants and their pets every now and again.

Hope to see you there.

Bye.

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