Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlyn Childress,

and I'm a life and parenting coach. And today, I wanna talk about the three

stages of motherhood. This is a concept that I've come up with

over the course of my experience as being a mom and just sort of all

the coaching I've done with other moms. And I think this will help normalize

a little bit for all of you, just like what it's like in

different periods of time as a mom. And some of you are

listening to this, and you might only be in the first stage. And you're gonna

be like, oh my god. Yes. And you're gonna feel so seen

and so heard. And then some of you might be in the second one, and

you'll feel, like, relieved a little bit, but also kind of understanding

why you feel the way you feel. And then when you're in the

3rd stage, I feel like I'm doing a teaser because I'm, like, not telling you

what they are. But anyway, if you're when you're in the 3rd stage, you're gonna

have a lot of compassion for the moms in the first stage and the second

stage and then a lot for yourself. So let me get

into the 3 stages of motherhood. This is how I think about

it. The first 6 years, you're in the body stage.

The next 6 years, you're in the mind stage.

And then the next 6 years, you're in the heart

stage. So let me explain what I mean by that. When you have a little

kid like 0 to 6, most of your

parenting is very, very physical. You are

really using your body a lot, and it's

so exhausting physically, but you might not

find that it's very rewarding

mentally. Like it might feel really boring at times

because it's not that stimulating And it's you

know, I remember being in this stage, the 0 to 6, the body

stage of parenting and having, of course, kids all over my

body, like, wanting to holding them. They're holding my

hand. They're rather, like, just on me. I felt like when Lincoln was little,

like, if he could crawl into my body, he would want to. Like, it just

was so much on my physical body all the time. I

remember thinking that the most exciting,

like, mental thing that I did was figure out

how to cook a frozen meatball in the microwave. I was like,

this is who I've become. Like, this is what motherhood is all about. Just

like mastering how to make

a protein smoothie or whatever it is that you're doing. I found

it a little bit I mean, to be honest, I found it boring at times.

I mean, I I would play trains with Lincoln and

cars with him, and I would create the most elaborate

type of train track. And my goal would be to make there be no

dead ends in the Thomas the train track plan. And we

had it sprawl all around, like, from the living room to the dining room to

the kitchen. I mean, it was insane. And I kept buying train track and, like,

oh, I need this kind of switcher and this kind of t track and all

this stuff. And it was just because my brain was bored. But I was

also so tired, so physically

tired. I had an early riser, and I had a night owl.

So between the 2 of them, I was just very drained, never

feeling like I could rest, never feeling like I could be by myself. And it

felt so overwhelmed, and it was just a really hard

stage physically. That is the body stage of motherhood.

And if you are in that stage, I want you

to know that it's not always gonna be this physical.

Will it be this hard? Yep. Motherhood is a

challenge. It is a challenging stage of your life.

The period of time that you are raising children is intense,

and it's a lot, but it won't always be this physically

challenging. Now for some of you, you have gaps. Right? So you

might be in the physical stage and also in the mind

stage. And that's really hard. Like,

I'm I'm sad. I'm sad for you, but I want you to know that

the overwhelm that you feel, the physical overwhelm and the mental labor

overwhelm that you feel is also normal. It's just what

it is until you get your kids a little bit older. If you're in

the body stage, I want you to really think about

taking excellent care of your body. Not like, oh,

get fit. I don't mean that. I don't need you to be thinking

about the size of your body or the strength of

your body. What I want you to be thinking about is how to rest your

body and how to really take care of

it in a way that feels really good to you. If that

means resting every afternoon, not judging that,

just allowing it, saying, of course, I have to lay down. I've been up all

night with this baby or with this toddler or with an earache or with croup

or the kid with pink eye or whatever. So I want you to be really

gracious with yourself noticing that, of course, you're tired. Of

course, you need rest. And doing

things with your body that feel really restful, if that's

taking a long shower or taking a bath, getting a massage,

whatever it is that it feels really good for your body.

When I was a mom of this stage, I would

spend like that nap time, that hour and a half of nap time was really

the only physical break I would have the whole day. And so

trying to, like, do a lot of stuff during that physical

break was not for me because I was really tired. And

so I would kind of spend the first 45 minutes of that break

sort of prepping dinner. To be honest, I would kind of, like, make sure that

I had food out and stuff like that. And then the next 45 minutes, I'd

lay down and read my book or I would watch TV. No

joke. And that is one of the reasons why I was

able to get through that intense physical period of time. The

other strategy I had, and this is because some extra money at that

time that I was able to get a babysitter every

Wednesday from, like, 1 to

5, I think it was. And it just gave me an afternoon

off. I could go get my, like, go to a doctor's appointment or get my

haircut. I would go to the movies by myself a lot.

Also, I would honestly like park around the corner from my house

and just lay it down in my car and read my book.

That's how drained I was at that time. I just really wanted to

be a place where I could lay down and be not have

anybody touching my body or picking kids up or moving them

around or any of that. So I want you to think about how to find

strategies for you that would help you rest your

actual body. Okay. Stage 2

is the mind stage. So it's

body, mind, heart. It's really the most

mental stage of parenting where you

have, like, a jigsaw puzzle of scheduling. A lot of

times, you're trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table, get

homework done, get your kids to the practices that they need to get to.

I remember at one point, I had 2 kids. Well, both had to be at

soccer practice at the exact same time. You couldn't drop off early and you

couldn't pick up late. And the both practice were the same. I was like, I

don't know how to do this. And there was just a lot of, like,

mental gymnastics that I would have to go through in order to

solve these problems. A lot of calendaring issues. I was,

involved in the school, and so there was a lot of, like,

coordinating stuff, you know, getting projects, school projects

done, and participating and fundraising. And

there's just kind of a lot of, like, work, you know, mental work. And

I had I was a stay at home mom, so I had most, you know,

most mornings to myself and afternoons. I was still, like,

really busy meal planning and coordinating doctor's appointments

and trying to get everybody where they needed to be and responding to

emails. It just was like a very taxing mental

period of my life. And that was, like, from 6 to 12. You're making decisions

about then, you know, which activities they need to be signed up for, and you're

keeping track of dates, and you're coordinating play dates, and you're trying to plan

trips. And it's just a lot of, like, work

in with your brain. And you have a little bit of break. Your kids

are more independent. They're not so physically needy, which is

awesome, but there's a lot. And then also

with your actual children, there's a lot to talk to them

about and teach them. And they wanna talk at night, and they wanna problem solve,

and they wanna complain. And they would ask you a lot a lot of questions

about, like, your rules. And there's just a lot going on

in parenting at that point from, like, 6 to 12, 7 to

13 ish, you know, whatever kind of right around that developmental stage.

And so your mind is going to be taxed.

Maybe you're feeling that way right now. You know, school's getting back into the

groove. You have so much, like, homework, like, school homework,

you know, that you're getting all of the registration forms and all of

the paperwork and then the new teachers and back to school night

and maybe your kids have your 2 kids and back to school nights 1

night, 3 kids and you're trying to figure out where to be. You see what

I'm saying? There's so much mental work at this

stage. For you, you need to figure out where you

take mental breaks. Where do you have just

fun? What is a mental project that you like to

do and creating some little projects for yourself or maybe taking

mental breaks? This is a good time to start spending more time with

moms, you know, planning fun things that you do together, getting in a book

club or whatever it is that you find

either mentally relaxing. Maybe you want to get into some creativity,

get into some art, getting into some projects, maybe you want to take a

class that's really fun and stimulating for you in a different way, maybe you

want to just mindlessly watch Love Island for hours and

hours. I don't want you to judge that.

At this stage, when I was a parent, the way it looked for me

is that I would have my, you know, drop them off and

then take care of my body, and then I would kind of get home,

plan dinner. I I really would do that. Kind of, like, think about what I

was gonna make for dinner, go to the grocery store, you know, maybe do some

computer work, run a couple errands. And then I noticed

that, like, right around 1 30, 2 o'clock, I would

be mentally zapped. Like,

like, I could not have any I didn't

have any brainpower left. I just was like like a zombie. So I

started at that point. I mean, obviously, you can tell I love reading. I

started at that point just to be, like, that's my silent reading

time. And I would lay down for about an hour or

40 minutes only on days that I could. I mean, obviously, it was busy busy

busy, but just allowing myself

to rest my brain and read

for pleasure. And that is a huge escape for me.

Sometimes, I would actually watch TV. My friends were like, I can't believe you watch

TV during the day. And I was like, yeah. I have to

check out because I wanted to be on because the children,

once they pick them up, oh my god. So intense.

Right? Solving their problems, sibling squabbles, getting kids to get

wash your hands, get snack, do your chores, pick up. Okay.

Now we gotta go here. We gotta go there. We gotta come back. Maybe make

dinner. Okay. Now get ready for bed. Bedtime. Read

books. I mean, it's so much effort and so

much problem solving in your mind. So I would

take my break in the day, and

I didn't feel that bad about it, to be honest. And I don't want you

to feel bad about it. I just want you to really see that. Yeah.

No, dude. My brain's wiped and let yourself

reset. So that is the

mind stage of parenting. So we got the body stage for the 1st 6 years,

and then we got the mind stage, the mental stage for 6 years.

And then you get into the heart

stage. And this is really the period of time

through middle school and high school where

your heart is so concerned

all the time for your children. It feels

existential. It feels scary. It feels like you

don't have as much power or control. They're making decisions. They're creating

new friendships. They're away from you a lot more

often in longer periods of time. And you

just are, like, soothing your own

heart a lot through this last kind of

period of time. And then from my experience, I don't know what the next stage

is yet because I'm just entering it. But it feels like this is going

to be the way it is from now on. I

have very little physical drain on me

because of being a mom. Right? My kids are grown up.

They drive. They are able to go to the grocery

store and make their own food and, you know, they manage

themselves. So physically, I'm not that taxed.

Mentally, I'm not that taxed because I'm not really in charge of their

calendars anymore. I'm not really in charge of their school anymore. I'm

not planning events for them. I'm not figuring things out. I still

am a little bit, you know, with them being in college. We've gotta figure out

money and we've gotta figure out registering for their classes.

But for the most part, that very little of that is happening. They even

make their own doctor's appointments, haircut appointments. All that kind

of calendaring is really outside of my

my scope now as a parent. But my heart

is so tender, and I just

feel for for them as they go through all these hard stages of

life. I feel for myself. I get

scared sometimes. I get overwhelmed. I get angry. I get worried.

I have a lot of emotion. And I know

you have that all along. But in this circumstance, it's sort

of the only thing you have left really is your

heart connection with your kids. And

it is beautiful. But it's also

can be heartbreaking. This period of time can

be hard on your heart. Just like it was hard

on your body when they were little. It was hard on your mind.

Now it's hard on your heart. So this is the

period of time where it's really important to practice

positive parenting vision. That's one of the strategies I teach. I've done

it. I've taught it on the podcast before. Really thinking about the

future and making it not your worst case scenario, but

your best case scenario and holding a vision for your

children that they're going to grow and overcome

and become whoever they're meant to be, and that you're

gonna be along for the ride and watching. I used to

say that I had, like, 1st row seat for my

kids' lives. And then it was like now I don't

even know if I'm in the gymnasium. Like, I'm just hearing the

highlights after the game is over

in their life. Not like the actual sports. I'm just

meaning in their life, I felt like I was like such a privilege to be

on the front row and watching them and experiencing it. And

it was beautiful. And now I have less and less access

to the front row. Sometimes, like I'm saying, I'm not

even in the building. I'm not at the game anymore

of their life. They're away at school. They have big lives. They have relationships.

They have jobs. They have whole identities that I don't get to

see that I don't know about. And I get the highlights

real after the game is over when they come back and they tell me

the stories. And that's hard on my heart. That

is challenging. So if I start to worry, if I

start to feel scared, if I felt overwhelmed, go to that positive parenting

vision, imagining them 5 years from now. If they're making

mistakes right now, I imagine them overcoming these mistakes, learning from

these mistakes. If they're struggling with something

socially or emotionally, academically, I imagine them getting the

resources they need and overcoming, becoming that

next version of themselves. And that helps soothe my heart a little

bit. I also rely on my friends a lot more. I

create hobbies and interests and

goals that are outside of motherhood, that are outside of parenting,

that bring me a lot of satisfaction and joy so that

I don't feel like I've empty. Right? It's

like empty nest thing. I wanna be filling up

my heart as it's breaking a little bit.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so tender about it because it's all just happening right

now as I record this podcast episode. Getting ready for both

boys to head back to Santa Barbara for college. 1 for the

first time, one for the second time. So it's all

tender. The heart part the heart part

of this stage is really where it's hard on your

heart, and that is important to take care and tend to

it. Talk about it. Get support. Talk to other moms

who are going through it, other parents, and finding new

interests, new hobbies so that you aren't so brokenhearted.

Yeah. So I've always wanted to talk about this on the podcast

because I do think it's helpful for me to realize that

I'm in a stage. Like, if I'm so physically drained

and I'm like, oh, my gosh. This is gonna be my new reality. I love

when I get perspective, like, oh, this is temporary. This isn't gonna

be like this forever. And that's

true of the body stage. Right? The physical stage. And

then the, oh, my God. It's so overwhelming. I have no time to myself. I

all I wanna do is have, like, a mental break or I'm gonna have a

mental breakdown. Right? Oh, this is a stage. Oh, this won't

always be this hard. I'll get my brain back. It won't be this

mentally challenging. And then when you get into that heart

stage realizing, yes, this is hard. My heart is breaking.

My heart is, you know, it's hard for my heart. And it

won't always be this hard because my kids are gonna grow up. They're gonna become

and we're gonna have our relationship and it's gonna be awesome. And my heart

will be full of joy for them as they

become the next version of themselves. That's extremely

cool. But this part, my heart is definitely

tender. So whatever stage you're in, I wanna normalize it. I

wanna give you perspective. I wanna give you hope. And I also wanna

give you support if you want to get

some help. If you're like, I need help with these

stages, I highly recommend you reach out to me. You can always

book a complimentary consultation with me. We can talk about

where you're at, help you with some strategies, and I can tell you how to

work with me. If you wanna work 1 on 1 or you wanna join the

call mama club, tell you how about those programs work, how much they cost, all

the details, and also just to get to know each other. I love

having conversations with people who send to the podcast. It makes me super,

super happy. Okay.

Yeah. The body stage, the mind stage, the

heart stage. These are the 3 stages of

motherhood. And they are all

What did they say? Brutiful. Right? Beautiful and

brutal. They're hard and they're great.

And what any mom, like of a 17 year old, wouldn't give

to have a chance to cuddle and snuggle her 4 year old

again, you know, was an empty nester thinking about those busy

busy times running everybody to soccer and trying to get dinner on the table

and the family life feeling really full. We all kinda wish we could

go back there. So as much as it's challenging,

I encourage you to savor it and recognize

it's temporary. It won't always be this hard, but it also

won't always be this beautiful. Alright, mamas.

I will talk to you next time.