Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and I wanted to start by congratulating all the newly promoted evildoers across the organization! Let’s take a look at some of this year’s stats after last week’s Promotion Competition.

Let’s see here. All right. Oh! There’s my spreadsheet. So, interesting numbers across the board here.

Successful assassinations were down 3%

Successful assassination counterstrikes were up 5%

Bio poisons down 8% and nanobot attacks up 7% — which I suspect is part of the overall shift to technological solutions across the evil sector…

And only three people got caught!

Our condolences to their loved ones. If one of these folks was your partner or relative, we’ll be sure to let you know where you can retrieve their belongings.

Just their belongings, of course. There are no bodies to claim. The Higher Ups took care of that. And my little pup was there to help, weren’t you baby? Aw. That’s my little man!

[OMINOUS GROWLING]

Now, we not only have folks in new positions, we have new recruits in employee housing to replace the folks who have permanently shuffled off this mortal coil. And you know what that means:

It’s time for Training and Enrollment!

But if you’re like me, these sorts of boring-but-important tasks mean I want a distraction — and my favorite distraction is a little snack. So let’s take a moment here to remind everyone that the break rooms, housing dining rooms, and on-campus grab and go options are all open 24 hours a day and completely free to all employees. We’re evil, not cheap.

So make sure you have a cup of water, coffee, or eldrich ichor of your choice and we’ll settle in for a training and enrollment overview.

Y’know, speaking of snacks, why don’t we hear from our friends over at Donner Party Planning, mm?

Well now I’m peckish. I’ve had that heart dish with the pickled shallots, y’know. Very good. I don’t know if they’re still doing the fried capers with it, but they’re delightful. They almost pop like popcorn! Who knew?

Now, to return to the topic at hand, let’s talk training. I know you’ve all watched training videos, but at Global Synergy Amalgamated, we just beam the knowledge directly into your brains! It saves so much time and overhead. But it also removes plausible deniability. I know for a fact that you know better than to click on suspicious email links because I’ve already invaded your synaptic pathways.

Which brings me to our zero tolerance policy. Many of our employees are old school. By which I mean, some of you have been with us since the 12th century. My friend Janet down in the chem labs probably remembers cornering some Templars under a tree in England. I think it was 1312? There’s a whole cave complex there now. Worth visiting.

And I love that for us. I love our shared history. What I don’t love is primitive attitudes toward women, minorities, or members of the LGBT community. I know! We joke that sexual harassment training is about how to be better at harassing sexually. But keep one thing in mind.

If you sexually harass anyone, anywhere, any time, I will find out. And I will take of it.

Personally.

With that out of the way, let’s talk enrollment. Now, all evildoers receive our full benefits package and have access to our onsite clinics. Medical, optical, dental — although “evil dentist” is a bit redundant — with full prescription coverage. Just remember that by accepting, you have agreed to let us use your blood and DNA samples as we see fit! Don’t worry, we never assign clones to the same facility. It’s just too confusing. And we don’t want a repeat of the Great Doppleganer Debacle of 1938. We had to crash the global economy to cover that mess up!

But I wanted to remind you about some of our other benefits that you may not have used.

There’s the more obvious things. The onsite gyms and nutritionists, discounted cell phone plans, and of course fully vetted babysitters at the child care centers. However, we also have full-service crime scene cleaners if things go a bit awry, forged passports to offer diplomatic immunity, and a very exciting partnership with Miskatonic University that allows all employees the opportunity to study and improve their professional and personal skills.

But I have to admit, one of my favorite perks is the onsite salons at all locations. I can’t trust these talons to just any manicurist! Largely because they have a tendency to run screaming.

And of course, should you decide to fake your death or die in the course of your duties, we have full financial planning available so you can pass your assets on to your new identity or your grieving descendants. They do a lovely job with the makeup for an open casket service, probably because several of them are dead themselves.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye!