E056 -The Incredible Mindset Change That Will Help You Break Free From Narcissistic Relationship Cycles with Cheryl Brockie
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[00:00:00] By the end of today's episode, you are going to know the incredible mindset hack that will help you break free from narcissistic cycles for good.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Hello, welcome to today's episode. I am talking today with Cheryl Brockie about how to stop dating narcissists after narcissist and the mindset change that you need to get out of the cycle.
This episode will give you that number one game changer that you need to shift out of toxic relationships. It will allow you to hear. These unbelievable dating stories that led Cheryl to break free of her negative cycle of narcissistic relationships in her forties. And it will give you a [00:01:00] better understanding of how to heal the lingering self-worth issues. That stem from childhood that can really affect who we choose as a partner. Cheryl is a coach and a speaker who helps women date for success.
I know you are going to love her, her stories, her wisdom, and everything that she shares with us. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode, where I pull an Oracle card that will offer you a specific message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast, Cheryl. I'm so excited to have you here. Yes, I am. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for asking me to come on. Absolutely excited. Yeah. You are here to soothe all of the fears of all of the women who are like, there are no good men out there I know you have so much wisdom and advice and tips and all the things to give the [00:02:00] women who are out there dating just one disaster after another. So thank you. Thank you for being willing to share your very colorful story.
Speaker 3: You are so, you're so welcome. And it is very true. I have survived some horrendous dating disasters, not just your average ones.
And I learned a lot along the way. And so it's been a very interesting journey and any way I can help women that are, going through similar journeys in some way, shape or form, who are feeling like basically there's no hope, , I would just really like to instill a little hope there that it actually can happen for them because it really can.
Yes.
Speaker 2: I love it so much. Let's give the listeners, the thousand foot view of the timeline and what you've been in. And if you want to dive into any of those specific examples, of just what it has looked [00:03:00] like, I'm gonna just open the floor for you.
Speaker 3: Okay. To give a bit of an overview, well, first I was born in England. I was raised half in England, half in South Africa. And but the time I got to South Africa when I was a young teenager, I was already well entrenched in a lot of self doubt and self invalidation, insecurities, had no idea who I was.
And it just all got worse as I continued my teenage years, right? And this did not set me out very well for launching into the dating world. My first sort of pattern that started was essentially anyone who paid me any attention. And I was Oh, great. Okay.
Somebody likes me. Somebody wants to talk to me. And I would just, go straight into that dive in headfirst and and then [00:04:00] invariably wind up, in a bad situation. , and that continued and I never got out of that for a few decades where it actually was never looking at all at anything that I needed or wanted in a relationship, never even really establishing who I was as a person.
To even know what I might need and want.
Speaker 5: Yep. Didn't even,
Speaker 3: didn't even look at that. I spent all my time just diving in one, , dating scenario after another. It was like I was running from myself the entire time and trying to, throw myself into other people's lives.
There are some very hectic. Scenarios I got into the most epic one, I would say, it started. very, epic in, in how it even started. I had just been dumped, first of all, from a previous guy. And so I was, I was [00:05:00] feeling a little worse for wear and I ended up at a girlfriend's birthday party dressed as Scarlett O'Hara.
And so of course I'm, I'm looking quite fabulous and I happened to be standing on the top. Of a porch, there were stairs going down and while I was standing there, this car pulls up very dramatically and a very handsome man hops out the car, he jumps the fence, doesn't even bother to use the gates, he Just hops over this fence and swaggers across the lawn and stops at the bottom of the stairs, looks up at me and it's that moment that, we all have dreamed of, we've all seen in movies over and over again.
It's the eyes lock and it's intense, immediate attraction and He walks slowly up the stairs and my girlfriend is standing next to me watching this happening and he [00:06:00] gets to the top and he knows my friend. I didn't know him at all, but he knew her. And he said I don't know who your friend is, Ka, but I'm going to marry her.
Speaker 4: Oh.
Speaker 3: And that was the opening line. And I was done. I was hook, line, and sinker. He was that attractive. He was that dynamic. And then of course he'd said, he said something that of course, was like, you know, out of a romance novel. Of course. So this began a journey with this person. My girlfriend immediately was warning me about him.
She knew him. She was immediately saying, you do not want to go down this road. Of course, I did not listen because we often don't listen to those who know better who or who know have more information to think with.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: I knew nothing. I was just looking at this exterior per [00:07:00] the exterior of this person who looked fabulous and he was saying all the right things.
Yep. And um, My third date with this person, I broke my back on a horse. And it that is a whole story in and of itself of how that happened. But it was with him and in the mountains. Miles from anywhere and I was paralyzed for the first 24 hours and then I was unable to walk for nearly four months
Speaker 5: and
Speaker 3: He took care of me.
It was only our third date.
Speaker 5: Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I ended up living with him He did everything for me. He took care of me So, of course, now I have this huge loyalty to this person. Well, it turns out that he was mixed up in some, all sorts of funny business. And he told me he was an ex cop.[00:08:00]
And so, and he was working undercover. Then I started getting these delightful people show up at the house who were part of a big fraud ring in South Africa.
I ended up with all sorts of crazy scenarios with those people where I ultimately got held by a drug lord in Amsterdam, who this boyfriend was working for, and I got held against my will there. Basically, I was held hostage, but it was where it was more of a sort of a somewhat friendly hofster situation I would put it like that I mean I was under lock and key I wasn't allowed to leave I was you know had a person guarding me at all times and so but it was a you know I wasn't sitting in a basement somewhere.
Yeah. So still scary.
Speaker 2: And the journey,
Speaker 3: And the story continues and [00:09:00] continues with this person. And it all boils down to the fact, one, I literally just was, I was not reading any signs at all. I was completely taken in by somebody who could just say what you needed to hear.
And I wasn't observing the actions. I wasn't confronting things that weren't adding up and going, Oh, this doesn't actually add up. He's saying this, but he's doing this and this is, and this doesn't add up because all I wanted was this dream romance
Speaker 4: that it
Speaker 3: started off being. And and it ultimately, I mean, I mean, my life got put in danger multiple times in that scenario, being shot at and being, having to do all sorts of things to get out of it.
So,
Speaker 4: and even
Speaker 3: though it was more dramatic than most, I was still making the same mistakes [00:10:00] as I made with. Other guys that just, had regular jobs and yeah, he's lived regular lives. It was still the same mistakes. It was just that one was pretty epic because he'd really honed in on the romance level.
And that's what happens to a lot of people. Women, nowadays, I mean, they call it, what do they call it nowadays? Love Bombing. Love Bombing. Right? That's the term now, which is so funny. But yeah, some of these guys, the Love Bombing is all, is an, all a smokescreen.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning of you, you just wanted someone to choose you, right?
You just wanted, like, whoever was interested in you, then that was it. And I can relate to that. That was how I approached dating. And sometimes it was the men who I had to, To chase, to then convince, to choose me. And that was part of my dysfunction. But the choosing when we go into dating with the sole [00:11:00] goal of just being chosen, instead of to your point, knowing who we are, what we want, what our non negotiables are, what our values are.
We don't really care about any of that because the bigger driver is just to be chosen. If we're entering dating and relationships like that, they will end in disaster because we're not choosing people based on substantial. Things that can create a foundation. We're just taking whatever is choosing us at that moment.
And that to your point and your like movie of your life, it gets you into some very hairy situations. Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 3: I mean, in and it really essentially boils down to one's own feelings of self worth.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Right? Because that, that being chosen thing, that is what fuels us in that moment. Like we feel validated.
We feel seen, we feel heard, we feel like we have some value,
[00:12:00] And we have, because we haven't established that on our own for ourselves. So if you are, in that sort of. Position in your life, which unfortunately does happen with a lot of women. And it's very easy to get into that.
Oh, he, oh, he likes me. He's picked me. Oh,
Speaker 5: yay,
Speaker 3: And you just get sucked into, whatever their, their thing is. So, That's, one thing that I, Even start out with, in my online course that I developed was the very first thing you start out with is actually really examining you.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Like what do I have to offer? What is great about me? What are my superpowers? And they can be the smallest thing from I make a brilliant cup of coffee to things that are, much more significant, right? But until you [00:13:00] really start identifying all of those plus points that you have as a, as an individual, right?
That you have to offer You have to offer a group, you, things that you do for your company, for your family, for all of those things. And when you don't really identify them, then you certainly can't nurture them.
You certainly can't validate yourself and go, damn, that's, I'm pretty, that's pretty cool.
And I'm really good at that. And you know what? I'm going to pat myself on the back because. That is a plus point that I have that maybe some other people don't have. So I know I can offer that to you, right? In a relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So that
Speaker 2: helps us build that self respect when we know how amazing we are and what we actually bring to all of these different tables that we're at, how that could have gone differently.
I'm just want to replay this scenario. So you're standing on the [00:14:00] porch, he jumps over and he's like, telling your friend, I don't know who you are, but I'm going to marry this woman. If you, in that moment had a real sense of self, of all of the components that make you who you are, you may have turned to him and be like, you don't know me, like, How can you say that?
You don't , you may think I look beautiful. Thank you. And nothing about me. And it wouldn't have been this swoon moment. It would have been like uh, that's cheesy as hell. And I don't believe you. I don't feel safe with people who tell me those things that quickly. Yeah. But that type of like radar, I guess on people's behavior doesn't come unless we've really done that work to, to anchor in that sense of self and not just anchor it, but be like, Oh, now I need to protect this.
Because I'm not just going to give this away to anybody.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, I hadn't established any boundaries for myself at all. It was, so I didn't, I had [00:15:00] no parameters to work with at all. It was just, you like me, you have interest in me. Okay, I'm going to go with that. Right. And I mean, I did it over and over again, and, ended up living with people super quickly because for whatever reason, they would always want to live with me really quickly.
I didn't cook. I didn't do, I didn't do that kind of stuff. I've never been a cook. My, my husband had to learn the hard way. So it wasn't even like that. I was. very domesticatedly talented. But I would just, they'd, no you need to live with me.
And then I'd give up my whole sort of life that I was living and I'd be living with them and following them around like a puppy, I hadn't even established likes and dislikes. Right? I didn't even know what hobbies I really liked, what things, that I just, I don't know.
I was living a very strange, [00:16:00] insular life. It was a very traumatic upbringing. So I um, I didn't get to experience a lot. And so Whatever this person's life was, I went, Oh, I like that. So I'm that must be what I'm into. So I'm going to do that. So I would have this whole life that was literally built around them.
And then of course, when everything blew up in my face, at some point, I lost everything.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Because
Speaker 3: I, I'd attached everything to that person's life. And so, it'd even be even more devastating.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 3: Of a loss.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 3: And so of course, as soon as somebody else came to fill the vacuum, to fill the void.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 3: Off we go again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you're not just losing the person, you're losing your entire sense of self that was dependent on that person. On them. Yes. So every time that you're moving from [00:17:00] relationship to relationship, it's like having to start from ground, zero. And that's exhausting and painful and scary, right?
So of course, jumping from one relationship to the next. took that, took the edge off because if I can just find someone else to tell me who I am, or that I can chameleon into and feel chosen and validated by, then I don't actually have to sit here in the void and try to figure out who I am outside of anybody else.
Because that's the work, that is the
Speaker 3: work that we are avoiding. The painful confront and boy I did everything I could to avoid it.
So, so it's, but you can only run so long or you can run your entire life and you just won't get anywhere, because the, As we all know, if you keep doing the same thing, the same pattern, making the same choices in the same way, [00:18:00] the same decisions, you are always
Speaker 2: going to get the same
Speaker 3: outcome.
Speaker 2: Yes, which on some level feels comforting, even because it's predictable, right? There's a part of our brain that goes towards the familiar for that reason. Where it's like, at least I know how to do this dysfunction. That other whole like healing side of things feels scary. Cause I don't know what's going to be in that.
And I want to, we're saying this with a lot of love towards the listeners of going from relationship to avoid the pain, often that's a very unconscious. That's a very unconscious drive that we have. It's just like, well, I need someone else. I'm going to get on the apps.
I'm going to, whatever I'm going to do. And it's not, we're not consciously always being like, I'm going to avoid looking at myself and who I am. And so I'm going to do this, right? It's just sort of that reflex. And when you grow up in dysfunction or trauma or chaos, it, we have to put our attention on the external,
we get really hypervigilant. We get [00:19:00] really good at tending to other people at fitting in to get our needs met. So of course, we're going to do that in relationships. If we aren't taking the time to challenge that or to work on that was in a safe way, we're going to keep doing to your point, what we know What we've practiced, what's become that, that subconscious program that we're just running off of on repeat and it's painful either way.
It's painful to stay in the same cycle. It's painful to keep finding these men that keep, blowing themselves up and then letting themselves or letting you down, and it's painful to pause and do the work. So it's like. One pain's familiar and one pain is not. That's kind of like how we decipher which pain we're gonna choose.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I certainly was never conscious, as you say. I was not aware of what I was doing.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Like, no awareness. I was just trying to fill a [00:20:00] void. Avoid pain as well as I could. And and so I just went with the paths that sort of seemed to, to be the one of least resistance and had, the least amount of pain.
But then of course it would ultimately lead to more, so, it took me a very long time until my early forties where I had, I'd already been doing some work on myself. I was starting to get my feet wet and starting to confront some things and I'd had a I was engaged.
To a man and about three, two, three months before the wedding, he broke it off. And that was the final straw because I, I'd sort of done, I'd done a bit of work and I thought I'd done better this time. Like I thought I'd made some more conscious choices and taken [00:21:00] a bit more time to pick, I thought.
But then when I looked back, I realized, oh no you did the same things. You just kind of put a little more time into doing it. And so I didn't recognize that it was the same sort of pattern until later. But that was the point where I really was like, that is it.
I really have to make some changes now. And because it was when you're in your early 40s, you're really starting to kind of evaluate your life, you're kind of going, wow, okay, so still don't have children still have not been able to have a successful relationship. Is this going to be my lot in life?
Am I going to be, the cat lady? And I, I did have a cat. And I, and I was, and I, I did spend a lot of time with my cat. But I'm like, okay, is that [00:22:00] going to be it? Am I going to manage to really dig in here? And so that was definitely a pivotal moment.
And and I did again with that person, it was literally a one of these immediate physical attractions. 'cause those were always the troublesome ones for me was like, there's this immediate physical aspect and then everything else gets ignored.
Speaker 5: Yep.
Speaker 3: And so even though it sort of, I didn't jump in right away.
It was it was still blinding me. I was still not really looking at qualities of this person, the qualities of myself, how can we align ourselves? To create a future together and that's, that all goes out the window and it goes out the window with a lot of people where you just date somebody because they're cute and fun and there's this, this initial Physical [00:23:00] stuff.
And it's, and it actually does not have to be that way. If you're picking the right person, you can actually continue to create a spark and to create an exciting life when you have the right person.
Speaker 4: Yes,
Speaker 3: who you are aligned on, a lot of your core values and the way you want to live your life and what you want to create together as a couple and what you're creating individually as well. And, you know, so this is why some people get very jaded because they jump in. to these physical relationships and oh and it's fireworks and fabulous and yeah and then it's problem after problem that they're not able to really fix.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 3: Because they're so mismatched.
Speaker 2: Yeah. The whole love bombing phase, it feels very much like a sugar rush is the metaphor that I can like hold on to, where it's like you're getting this [00:24:00] delicious, I think it's just so much more real than just a meal. The sweet sugar that you've been craving, right?
And it's just making you feel good and you're energized and you're like on cloud nine. And it's amazing for a short period of time, but a meal of sugar is not going to sustain you. So a healthy relationship feels like the balanced meal that also has the Right? It's like we get all of it.
We get to have the deep conversations. We get to see that we're aligned in our values. We get to share really vulnerable moments. And we get to have hot sex. And we get to have the passionate part. And that's the thing that, that keeps the relationship sustained long term.
Speaker 4: But
Speaker 2: the sugar rush is only fun until you start to get the headache and the stomach ache.
Right? It's only fun for a short period of time. And what happens is when we've started a relationship like that, and then things start to go South, we're like, but I know that it could be like that. And we think we can get back to that. And so we chase that. And so all of the other behavior that's [00:25:00] happening, we're like, well, that's not really him, or he has had a hard day at work, or I did something wrong.
It's a lot of self blame that starts. And we just get into this, The cycle that we're chasing that high again. And we're justifying the pain away. We're justifying our reality away to get back to the fairy tale to get back to that sugar rush place.
Speaker 3: Yeah it's so true. And you can't get back there.
, I mean, I think so many women just spend years, in these relationships thinking they can fix it, thinking they can, make it go right. Most of us are pretty Good in that respect in that we always want to try and fix it. We, it's like, well, no, let's make it work.
Cause any relationship, even if you are very aligned and very kind of, on the same track, you still, it still takes work , you have two individuals that have been raised [00:26:00] in different families, Potentially in different parts of the world in very different ways. And you're sticking them in one household.
Yeah. And each person has their own drive and goals and dreams and, history and as does the other, and you're sticking them in the same spot going Right. Play nicely now in the sandpit and, and then, and people change and grow as you, as the years go through and career changes and want to study different things and, and want to live in different places, you know, all these things come up as you go through life.
And so navigating those. Takes a little bit of work to do it successfully, so that the whole thing doesn't fall apart. And compromise, give and take, that, that's another thing that, that I like to get women to really look at. And that is something that I had to do for myself [00:27:00] was, we all have areas that we are willing to be negotiable on,
Speaker 4: right?
Speaker 3: We have our sort of core values that are kind of like our non negotiables. It's like, no this particular thing, no, that's like a deal breaker. Right. But then you have areas that you have a willingness to negotiate, but you have to know how far.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Right? And you have to know how far before you get in to a relationship so that you have a very clear idea in your mind that is not affected by some cute little adorable man who's, whatever.
That you're highly attracted to. You don't need that clowning your judgment. You need to know before, how far am I willing to negotiate on certain things, right? And you need to really establish your window so that when you're dating a guy and you're going through [00:28:00] The relationship and certain things come up you might discover like, whoa, like keep hitting this thing.
I'm getting pushed beyond where I want to get pushed and that's not going to work. It will continue to be a problem, if it's going over your boundary. And so, so you can prevent a lot of heartache by just really having things really identified for yourself. So when you get in all the lovey dovey, cushy, sugar, yumminess of it all, you can just be able to tell yourself, okay, this is really super nice and yummy.
And I'll do it for five more minutes, but then we're going to go, right? We're going to, we're going to get out of there. And if you don't, because these times where I've said to myself, where some red flag has come up I had this one guy dated. He was a professional [00:29:00] wrestler, and. I had gone out to visit him and red flags galore, like smacking me in the face. ones that even I at that time was going, Oh, that's not good.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: But I remember lying there on his bed before I was going to fly back to where I was living.
And I remember going to myself, it's the worst that can happen. It's fine. It's fine. I'll fix that. It was a very specific moment, a very conscious decision to go, screw it, I'm going to do it anyway. Well, that person ended up basically they did credit card fraud on my cards for over 75, 000.
They forged checks. to my bank account [00:30:00] and stole thousands out of my bank account. I had signed a vehicle in his name. Also another moment of what's the worst that can happen, right? He destroyed my credit, destroyed the vehicle, basically. And not only did I have the heartbreak of the sort of end of this whole relationship that I thought was something that it wasn't,
Speaker 4: I
Speaker 3: now was in so much debt, had no money, had, things getting repossessed, the whole thing, and it was all from that one moment on the bed where I said, Screw it.
I'm gonna do it anyway,
Speaker 2: yeah. And what was, what do you think the justification was for you when you were like, screw it? In that moment? Where I made that decision? Yeah.
Speaker 3: It was a combination of I, one, I'd had a really [00:31:00] bad breakup. that with somebody that I, really cared about and I was still reeling from that a little bit, it was lurking under there. And I didn't want to be alone. And so, and I wanted to get out of, like, I just wanted a new life. I wanted to create a new life, right? I was trying to run from the one that I'd created with the other person.
Hadn't dealt with it fully. Hadn't given myself the time to really, Just get over that person and just wanted to get busy creating a new life in a new city. and with a new person who is nice enough It's pretty much that, so
Speaker 2: that's the running.
It's like the irony. The irony is that we think if we stop and are single for a period of time that we're wasting [00:32:00] time, especially in our child rearing years, right? We're like, yeah, I can't pause dating right now because I need a year to get to know someone, a year to get pregnant, a year, it's like we, we go down the timeline.
But the irony is if we don't take that time, then we're getting into relationships where we're wasting years of time trying to force a square peg in a round hole. Right. And we think we can, and it's a very, it's a very like, intoxicating lie that we tell ourselves that if I'm moving and if I'm trying that means that's the right choice versus taking a pause and being still.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Because in both of our cases, in many women's cases, that pause is the game changer. That is the time where we can create a sense of self, create that self confidence, understand our boundaries, and then have a different filter in which we're looking at men through. It's no longer, okay, you're [00:33:00] choosing me, so I'm going to go with you.
It's like, all right, you want me, but can you give me what I need? .
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And it becomes a conversation instead of you just kind of being like dragged amongst to whoever wants you at that moment. And it was, yeah.
Speaker 3: It was always being swept along in one direction or another and Yeah. Yeah.
I never really took the time to create my life. Like, what do I want my life to be? How do I want to build it? Like, you have this life. It's yours. It's yours. To make beautiful and special
and I never, it never even occurred to me. Yeah. Like my parents, my parents were they were the blue collar. You just you, you you get up and you go to work and you come home and you. Put on the TV and you sit there and you eat your meal on the tray and then you go to bed and you go to work again and it literally, that's [00:34:00] what it was.
Speaker 4: And
Speaker 3: so I never really, I mean my mother did try a little bit because she was a little more life in her than my dad. But it was never really shown this. Concept of yeah, you can create your life. You can make it anything you want. Right. And when you do that, when you're really doing that for yourself, it's, it really prevents a lot of bad decisions.
Speaker 4: Yeah. It
Speaker 3: really does because you have your life, you're confident in your life, what's going to fit in it and what isn't. And you're, I mean, I'm not saying that you're never going to make a mistake, but you're definitely less likely to get pulled into a lot of situations that you would be.
Yeah. If you just really were kind of floating in the wind, like I was for so long,
Speaker 2: I remember either being on a date or even [00:35:00] just meeting a new person, where they're like, well, what do you like to do? And I hated that question so much.
Cause I'm like, what do you like to do? And I just spin it right back on them. Cause I'm like, I don't know what I like, but what do you like? I'll like what you like. And so I take my clients through an exercise similar to what you're saying to identify the values, the non negotiables, the needs. And when I was doing this for myself, after I got out of my toxic relationship, when I was like, I don't know who I am, period, I had a list in my phone.
And anytime that I did something that felt good, I wrote it down. I ate a piece of dark chocolate. I like dark chocolate, a cup of coffee. I like coffee. And it had to be that like that kindergarten level of just what do you like to do? Because I had never consciously thought about it to be able to then articulate it.
to someone else or to be able to be like, Oh wait, that's not going to work for me.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Right.
Speaker 2: The coffee is a small example, but that turned [00:36:00] into Oh, I actually need somebody who can communicate in a relationship, yeah. , so those small steps, no matter how trivial or silly they seem, are really helpful in helping you get on your own team.
This is who I am. This is what I value. This is what I need, what I want. This is all of the facets of me. And that doesn't mean that it's better or worse than someone else. It just means that we are aligned or we're not.
Speaker 3: And it's interesting that women, so many women I feel are in this boat that they, Do you get to sort of later in life and kind of actually realize Wow, don't actually know much about myself.
I don't actually don't actually know what I've been doing the last couple of decades. It's all sort of a bit of a blur. And yeah, who am I even, to even figure out who is this man in front of me. It's like, who am I, first of all. So,
Speaker 2: I have several [00:37:00] clients in their 60s who are, who have hit, similar to you, right before, when he left for the marriage, where it's that rock bottom moment where they're like, I can't keep fucking doing this.
Like, what, A, what am I doing? And help me stop, because I've been doing this for the past 30 years of my life, and I can't continue the next 30 years doing this. And working with women in that moment is such a beautiful space because even though it's painful, and even though you don't know where you're going, the unpredictable, future space of healing, it's the pain of staying where you are is too big.
Like, you can't justify it away. You can't run from it anymore. It's just like, well, fuck, this is the moment. Like, I guess, I guess we're choosing the other route because I keep doing the same
Speaker 3: thing. And sometimes you got to hit real bottom, you got to hit real low, before you finally decide to make a change.
It's, yes, there is the, Pain. We've [00:38:00] all, we've all sort of been taught that, we have to have a person we're supposed to be in a partnership with somebody and that's the only way to live your life.
And, so we are constantly striving for that because yes, you do want a terminal to, to be able to share ideas and dreams and thoughts and goals and adventures with. But there's, there's beauty in discovering Your own journey first and just actually really establishing all the things that you can do and be for yourself.
And really taking some joy in that. And then that other partner, then you can really go after the right partner.
There's there's four billion men on this planet, right?
And I mean, in the US, we have over 160 million men,
There's a lot of men. And so the idea that there's no men, there's no [00:39:00] men out there, right? There actually are. And there's a lot of good men. There's a lot of good men who really, are willing to try, they don't want to just, be swiping left, right, or whichever way you swipe. So you just have to really be able to hone in, in your way of thinking, once you have really identified who you are and then you can identify what your boundaries are, what your negotiables are, what your non negotiables are, what all the little yummy bits are that you'd kind of like when you really can identify that.
And if you're going to talk about it specifically, then you have a very clear sort of thought, energy that you're putting out, right? Because the, you will attract that. You will start attracting that. Those types of men will start crossing your path.
But if you're all vague and you're all over the place and you're all like, Oh, any man, I'll take him. [00:40:00]
Speaker 2: Then you're going to get any man. Yeah. You are,
Speaker 4: you absolutely are.
Speaker 2: Which very much is the answer to, like I could almost hear the listeners. I could hear their eye roll and be like, well, there are no good men.
I haven't found any good men yet. And. What you're saying and what I'm saying is that we promise that when you change the lens at which you're looking at the future partner through, then you see different future partners. Yes! And the toxic behavior or the dysfunctional behavior or the emotionally unavailable behavior whatever you're used to with men right now, starts to become an immediate deterrent.
To my point about him coming to like, you're going to be my future wife. And you'd be like, what the fuck? Like you don't even know my name. , exactly. So your whole energy changes because you have that self respect and you're searching for people who can meet you at that baseline level of respect.
And that [00:41:00] really changes your dating pool because you're, When you're not in the self respect place those healthy men are intimidating, they're not, they are, they're boring. We We've cut out a whole entire group of people that we say we want.
Speaker 3: You
Speaker 2: don't even see them.
Yeah. We say we want it, but we don't really want it because what we want is someone to validate how I feel about myself. I don't really respect myself or think that I deserve very much. So I need someone to reflect that back to me. Again, unconsciously, but that's what feels familiar. So when you start to change the internal belief That's when your external starts to shift.
And that process often takes a coach like yourself or myself to help guide you through because we can't learn what we don't know. And it's like, we need someone to be there to help us. make sense of these pieces and make sense of the childhood stuff that put us in the place to have these beliefs in the first place.
Yeah, exactly. But it's all [00:42:00] possible. It's all, you and I are two of the many walking examples that have taken really dysfunctional childhood and beliefs and dysfunctional dating situations and turned them into healthy Partnerships and marriages.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So my husband and I have been married now for 13 years and uh, and we continue to grow and expand and change and shift and that because there's such a foundation at the bottom of it, we can navigate all these different things that come up.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So you got to put the roots in, you got to put the roots in so that whatever weather you get and your tree, your together tree, We can sustain it, right? Or else you're just going to blow over and tumble down the road. Exactly. Yeah,
Speaker 3: no, it is. It is so true.
When you do work with somebody who has an exterior viewpoint and has been through so many of the trials and tribulations that women have, you can really spot. [00:43:00] The out points, the things that are like right away, it's like, Oh, okay. So tell me this thing again. Okay. So let me show you, let me show you how that's kind of affecting
Speaker 4: the
Speaker 3: way you're going about your dating scene, because it is your viewpoints.
What, whatever you tell yourself. is what you're going to get.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. So
Speaker 3: It's, you create your thoughts, whatever you validate, you create. So, if you're constantly telling yourself, Oh, I can't, I can't do this. And they're never going to do that.
And, oh, and I'll never get this da. It's all you're gonna get.
Speaker 5: So
Speaker 3: you got to figure out the way To change that thinking, and it does take a little bit of crafting and a little bit of work and to actually get that mindset to shift and be able to look at things.
Speaker 2: Well, you think about how long you've been practicing the one thought process or the one [00:44:00] viewpoint, right? So when we start to shift, we have, A lot of impatience with ourselves of like, okay, I thought a new thought. It should be grooved and ready to go. It's like, no. We have to practice the thought.
We have to practice. We have to create that new neural pathway, it's, it takes a minute or several to have a really committed. Energy going in the new direction. So if you've started the process, keep going because you are doing it. Every little brick that you lay is the foundation, and so you just don't want to give up when it starts to feel hard because you're still moving in the right direction.
If it's feeling challenging because it's something totally new, that's usually a good sign.
Speaker 3: No, absolutely. Cause it's, when you're putting order in some, into some area of your life, whatever it is, there's always, confusion and stuff that's going to blow up while you're putting in the order.
So you have to just [00:45:00] keep putting it in. And finally, all that dissipates and then you get your new normal, that comes out of it, but you got to last, you got to persevere through the kind of all the stuff that blows up initially, because it can be very uncomfortable,
Speaker 2: Sometimes the messy middle lasts a little bit of time because there's a big mess that we have to clean
Speaker 3: up. Yes, I know. That's why it's important to have some, to have some good people.
around you, your friends, your support system,
Speaker 5: yeah. That
Speaker 3: are rooting for you and support you in what you're trying to do. And on the days when you do kind of slightly crash and burn, they're there to go, No, you got this.
You could know, and then, you don't want the naysayers who are going to just fuel the, your old habits. You're going to feed that negative energy into your old habits and be like, why are you even bothering dude? Men suck. [00:46:00] You're not going to You know, they're all the same. They all cheat.
They all do this. They all do that. Right. So you cannot have those people around you. They will just drag you down and drag you back into misery.
Speaker 2: And we are the sum of the people that we spend the most time with, right?
Like as people we adopt their energy. We adopt their beliefs. We start to say the same things as them. Like we, we mirror, we mimic, we imitate, and that's just part of human nature. So we want to be very careful of who we're putting In this new tender space with us for that very reason,
Speaker 3: Because those people, at the end of the day, the reason they are like that, and if they are trying to kind of pull you down, it's because they've given up on themselves.
They've given up on whatever their dream was, whatever their goal was, they've just given up. So now they have to make sure that others Don't get it, and that's the crab,
Speaker 2: the crab that pulls you back into [00:47:00] the bucket. That's right. Oh my God, Cheryl, we could talk forever. Yeah, we probably could.
This is a
Speaker 3: big subject, so.
Speaker 2: Yes, we'll have to have you back on so we could dive into another specific part of your journey. Yeah,
Speaker 3: yeah, because yes. There's lots more. So, but it's been lovely chatting to you and really glad you had me on and I'm really appreciative of that.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Thank you. At the end of these episodes, I always pull an Oracle card. Are you familiar with that?
Speaker 3: Not too familiar, but I have heard of them. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Okay. So it's essentially a deck that has different say different like titles on each card. So I'll shuffle the deck. I'm going to have you help me pull a card on behalf of the listeners, and then I'll read the message from the book.
Speaker 4: Okay. Okay.
Speaker 2: Okay. So go ahead and close your eyes for me. Okay. And we'll just start by taking a couple of deep breaths in. We're just going to tune our energy to the deck. [00:48:00] And asking the energies around us, asking the deck, what is the message that the listeners need to hear today? Whenever you feel like the message is there, just tell me when to stop shuffling.
Stop. Okay. So we got 30, 000 feet, which if you're not watching the video, it looks like a, like an aerial view of a town. Yeah. So I'm going to find it in the book here and I'll read you what. What the heck it means. Yes. 30, 000 feet reminds you that you are stuck in the weeds. Don your cape and shoot up to the stars for another look.
From up here you can see the bigger picture and find where you fit. Don't get mired in the muck. Rise above and see the situation from a fresh perspective. 30, 000 feet is a vantage point that frees you from getting stuck in the details that block creativity, innovation, and [00:49:00] solutions. As you imagine floating high in the sky, what do you notice from here as you expand your view?
Seeing the bigger picture will help create and solidify your vision, mission, and purpose. So exactly what
Speaker 3: we talked about!
Speaker 2: I
Speaker 3: love it! Yes exactly what we talked about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's very
Speaker 3: cool.
Speaker 2: I love those cards. It helps you really anchor in the message from the episode.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's awesome.
Cheryl,
Speaker 2: where can people find you?
Speaker 3: Well, they can either find me I mean, if they want more information about my online course, they can go to getdatingsuccess. com. They can also find me on Instagram at Cheryl K. Brachy. And and then I have a free download, if anyone's interested, that is the Essential Guide to Healthy Relationships.
And so, and that's at getdatingsuccess.
com slash free. [00:50:00] And so they can, go on that and it'll download. Download the the guide. So,
Speaker 2: yeah. So good. So good. Thank you for being another woman in this work. That's vocal about her experience, vocal about how she's shifted and therefore is now helping other women shift.
Speaker 3: Because I really, I don't want women to go through the amount of years that I went through. And if I can save, a few women from having to go through that trauma, then I really, really want to do that. And as do you. So it's it's awesome that you're also using your experiences to, to do this work.
So thank you.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. It's, we go through it for some reason, and this was part of both of our reason, which is a pretty cool, right?
Speaker 3: Yeah. We're using our past trauma for good, so. Exactly. Exactly. Which I think is a lovely way to come full circle on it, so Sure
Speaker 2: is.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: Thank [00:51:00] you so much Cheryl. Thank you for your time. Thank you. And your wisdom. So appreciated you. Yes. And you take care. You too. Bye.
You guys know that I always love a good recap because we talk about so much amazing stuff. I want to make sure you're really absorbing these nuggets of wisdom. So in this episode, you learned how taking a pause in between relationships to find yourself and to build your confidence. Is really that number one game changer that will shift you out of this toxic relationship cycle that you're in. You learned how Cheryl went through some incredibly wild, the dating stories. And how those stories all led her to break her negative cycle of narcissistic relationships. And why all of them let her back to knowing that we can't hustle for worthiness and that we have to start looking within to cultivate our own. Worthiness to cultivate our own confidence that we are lovable. [00:52:00] And you learned how to heal that lingering self-worth issue that can stem from childhood. And really affect who you choose as a partner. As a partner. And it's so, so, so important.
We can't drill this home enough. How important it is to know yourself inside and out. To build that confidence before you bring someone else into the picture. So that you are not looking to them to feel validated, chosen, worthy, or loved. And if you liked this episode, I'm going to point you towards episode 42.
It's called why we don't walk away from red flags and continue cycles of heartbreak in narcissistic relationships. That dives just a little, little nother layer, deeper into this topic. As always, this podcast is for you. And you are not alone. Until next time.