Welcome to the BIGG Success Show today. Seven steps to complain effectively and gain 10 hours a month.

BIGG success with The Professor and Mary-Lynn.

We're going to talk today about the two ways to complain, one which costs you time, and the other one which frees up to 10 hours of your time every single month.

Wow, that's incredible. That we complain that much.

Exactly.

And this podcast episode is inspired by a Harvard Business Review article by Peter Bregman. Hello, everybody. I'm Mary-Lynn.

And I'm George Krueger, sometimes called The Professor.

So it's hard to believe, Professor,

Yes.

That we complain 10 hours a month. That's just - I can't really fathom that.

Yeah. Studies show that we complain 10 hours a month just about our bosses and / or senior management. So not even counting the time we complain other people, really, but just about bosses and senior management, on average, we spend 10 hours a month. And I gotta tell you, Mary-Lynn, I mean, you and I were going for a walk yesterday, and I was complaining. I didn't realize I was complaining, but I was. And you finally said, what do you want me to do about it? And it's like. Because you were gonna help me with the situation, right? And at that moment, as I was thinking about this podcast, I realized, okay, I'm falling into the type of complaining that we don't want to do.

Exactly. You even owned up to it. You said, oh, well. Nope, I'm just. I'm actually. I'm just complaining because it's easy.

Yes. So you'll see what we're talking about with the easy complaining. But it's easy to fall into this trap of complaining the easy way.

So it's important to talk about this and help us break free from complaining and wasting so much time doing it. So why do we complain? Peter Bregman goes into some detail about this in the article. Can you summarize that for us, George?

Well, there's a number of ways, but you can probably imagine, I mean, one is just we want to vent. Right. We just need to vent. I think of it this way. This is a little bit like our digestive system, right? So, you know, if we bring this negative in, which is what complaining ultimately is, the output of negative thoughts. We bring it in, we digest it, and it works its way through, and then it's time to let it go. Well, it stinks. Sorry. It stinks. And so we have to realize that no good is going to come out of complaining if we do it the wrong way.

Okay.

But one reason we do it is to vent. A second one is to just get people on our side. We want to tell somebody so that we can get kind of affirmation that our thoughts are correct. And so that's another reason we do it. But the problem is that we do all of these things and we end up basically accomplishing nothing and we end up in a never ending cycle that's just completely destructive. And he does a great job of explaining this in the article.

We do it because we're uncomfortable about something. So to ease that discomfort, we complain to get affirmation from somebody else. Hey, am I right to feel this way.

Yep.

And then you turn around and you, you end up feeling more frustration because you're complaining out loud. Right. And so you. So, so that anger and frustration kind of, it's like this never ending cycle.

Yes. And then you end up getting billed as a negative Ned or a negative Nelly.

Yes, exactly.

You end up being a negative influence in the eyes of the positive people.

Right. So what are the two ways to complain?

Okay, we're going to talk about the easy way. And the second one is effective complaining, which, which is really putting you in the, in the role of resolver. We're actually going to get something done instead of just complain. And when you look at these two, easy is destructive, whereas effective is constructive. Easy tears down, effective lifts up, easy flows from negative energy, effective flows from positive energy. As you might imagine, easy is ineffective and effective complaining is effective. It works.

Effective is effective. Yes, that's, that makes sense. And so the first way, the easy way to complain, you're going to feel good short term.

Absolutely.

You could just get that out and just say, that person sucks.

Yep. You did that mind person.

The other person says, yeah, that person sucks. You're right.

Yeah.

And then so short term you feel really good about that.

Absolutely. The problem is in the long term, that just flies away. That, that positive feeling flies away just as quickly as it came. And so with the second way, you actually, according to the studies, you can free up to 10 hours of your time and be happier and more successful in the long run. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

So simply by cutting out complaining, by cutting out the easy kind of complaining, on average, we're going to free up 10 hours of time per week, or, I'm sorry, a month.

That would be a month, yes. It's not stopping complaining, it's just addressing complaints differently. That's the primary difference between these two.

So it's not doing the easy complaining, it's doing the effective.

Correct complaining. Yes. Saves us time.

In the long run, there's seven steps to complain effectively that The Professor's put together. And we're going to go through these one by one here so that you won't be a complainer, you'll actually be what you call a resolver.

Resolver.

Okay. So number one is to address the right person.

Yeah. So I just simply described this. It's pretty self explanatory. Find the fixer who can actually take care whatever the problem is. You're complaining about the issue, who can fix it, that's who you want to talk to. It doesn't help to talk to your co workers if they can't do anything about it. All you do is get them in the same state you're in. But if you can find the fixer, that's the person we need to address. So that's step one.

Okay, well what if it's your boss?

Fine, we're gonna talk to our boss.

You gotta go confront the boss.

Yes.

Figure out a way to do that.

Yes. But it's interesting you say that.

All right, because step two is plan on a conversation, not a confrontation, which is what I just said.

You did. And, and that's the whole point is we are not confronting, we are conversing. We are we to move forward. We are trying to solve a problem. We are bringing this to the attention of our boss and the example you gave so that we may do something about it because something needs to be done about it. And we're going to explain all that with these other steps.

Number three is seek first to understand.

Stephen Covey, straight out of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, right? If the person we're complaining to is the person the complaint is about, then the first thing we need to understand is why did they do what they did? Okay, so first we need to understand before we start presenting anything that we feel like we need to talk about.

So you're gonna actually start the conversation with questions. Hey, when this happened, why did you do that?

Why was this right the other day this happened. You know, we're getting into some of this, how to talk about it here with these other steps. But, but absolutely, number four on how.

To complain effectively, step four is address it with the right tone.

Doggone it (inaudible)

You've shocked us all.

Well, that's the wrong tone.

Yeah, the right tone, but I mean the wrong tone. The wrong tone is the, is the easy way, right? When, when, when you're talking with your co worker and you're saying, wow, my boss sucks.

Yeah.

That's the wrong tone.

Yes. Yeah. And you can't.

You can't go to your boss and say, hey, you suck.

Right.

So basically, the way that you talk about somebody behind their back is the way that generally you don't talk about them into their face.

Right.

So that's what you should. You should think about that. How would I talk to them to their face? And maybe I should make sure that when they're not in front of me, I should be talking about them in that tone as well. And that can help you cut down on the easy complaining if you don't allow yourself to go the easy route.

Yes, you're absolutely right, Mary-Lynn. That's a great point. And perhaps just an addendum to that. If you're angry, don't do this when you're angry. Right. I mean, sometimes you want to respond immediately, but if you can't do it without removing emotion, your tone's gonna. Your tone's gonna come across wrong. So what you want to make sure you're doing is to give it some time, if that's the case, until, you know, you can present it in a calm, orderly manner.

Number five, discuss how it makes you feel.

Yeah. And you were kind of hitting at this earlier. So here's. Here's something. This is one of the best things I learned. And actually, this was a high school or a college English class. This very point. Talk about how it makes you feel. I can't argue with how it made you feel. I can argue with what happened and how I perceive it versus how you perceive it. What I can't argue with is how it made you feel. So by presenting what you feel, it may get me as the person who you're complaining to or, you know, basically bringing this issue up to. It may get me on your side now, because I'm starting to see now how what I said or did affected your feelings. And now go ahead.

Yeah. Oh, I don't mean to interrupt.

No, that's good. Go ahead.

Well, I was going to say, just going back to, you know, the other steps here. You know, plan on a conversation, not a confrontation. Seek first to understand and now discuss how it makes you feel. So if... If the problem is with your boss, you're having a conversation, you maybe say, hey, you know, in our meeting, when you reacted to what I said, why was your reaction what it was?

Yes.

Then that's. Again, now I can understand. And then I can say, well, that made me feel like you didn't like my response.

Yes. But it's very important to follow this quickly with step number six.

Use your passive voice, which I'm doing.

Well, but actually not quite really. You're talking and you're doing it the way we, 99.9% of us would do it 99.9% of the time. But what we want to do here is, if possible, we want to remove the "You" the "Yours" from the conversation and talk about it more third person. So when this happened in our meeting, when I was... I can't remember what you said.

When I spoke up during the meeting.

Yes.

The reaction. Don't say your reaction.

I felt the reaction was - was negative. I felt the reaction was sparring.

But I need to first understand. But I'm still. But I need to find out why he or she reacted in that way.

Yes.

So my first. I'm first trying to seek. I'm seeking to understand.

Yes.

So I need to use you, don't I?

It's possible in some cases. And when you're seeking to understand, first of all, if you think about it, when you're talking to someone and it's obvious that you're trying to understand what they were thinking or feeling, you may use the "You" view. Okay. But the point is, when we start trying to describe the problem itself or even your feelings, you don't want to say "you". If you can avoid it, you don't want to put them on the defensive. Because, see, that's what you does. When "you" did this, it made me feel. You want to say, when this was done, I felt "blank".

Okay.

Okay. And so it's important to understand sometimes you can't do it, but to the extent that you can, this really helps advance conversations forward, keeps it from becoming a confrontation, because it's obvious you're not putting them on the defensive, so they don't feel defensive.

And so that leads us to our seventh step on how to complain effectively offer a solution to the problem.

Once again, this is, if possible, not necessarily all bosses. So you got to know your boss. But the point is, if you can offer a solution with the problem or with the complaint, that makes you golden. Because it's obvious you're not just looking at the negative side of things and dumping something on your boss's desk. You're actually trying to find a solution to find an answer.

So you could say to them, to my boss, so in the future, should I respond differently?

Yes. Or should I respond this way or something like that.

So that way I'm offering up a solution.

Yes.

And then maybe the boss will say, you know what? No, no, no. I'll just keep that in mind next time.

Yeah, and that's the point. You're moving this towards a resolution. That's why you're the resolver. You're moving this towards a resolution by getting the boss kind of on your side, working on the complaint, the issue together.

Okay?

And we do have one bonus step.

A one bonus, One bonus step.

And that is simply this. You take all of these. One of the best ways you can do this is if you want to prepare for this conversation. Remember, conversation, not a confrontation. If you want to prepare for this role play with somebody, actually practice going through the conversation you're going to have and have them respond and practice it a little bit so that when you get into the actual environment, nothing's. Nothing's new. You've already covered it all. You've already done it.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

A lot easier.

That's a great idea.

Especially when you're just getting started trying to do this.

All right, so you're going to want to follow these seven steps, plus that bonus one, to resolve issues so you can be more productive and gain, what, 10 hours? 10 hours.

That's right. 10 hours a month. It leads to BIGG success.

And here's today's BIGG takeaway.

Complaining is the easiest way to accomplish nothing.

That's true. All right. And complaining repels abundance.

It does.

We've got an abundance toolkit, a free abundance toolkit that we've created just for you. The BIGG Success Abundant Living System. Five steps to Living Abundantly. We've got audios. We've got an ebook. We've got visuals. We got it. It's a wonderful little kit that we think you'll really enjoy. Will help you really feel the abundance that's around you. You'll find the sign up with the show notes for this episode and find that link in the info tab of your podcast app.

And we thank you so much for listening today. Until next time, here's to your BIGG Success.

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