Our babysitter came by with her

friend's puppy. It was like a 10 week old

pug puppy. And it was perhaps the

cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. And I didn't

care. I think we probably don't talk enough about how you

don't have to be in full crisis to ask for help, and you don't have

to be in full crisis to need help. The world does not have to be

on fire for you to need support. You can need support

just by nature of needing support. All right, here we go.

I'm going to pretend I'm pushing Record, because that feels right. Okay, I'm pressing Record.

Boop. Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren Howard. I

go by L2. Yes, you can call me L2. Everybody does.

It's a long story. It's actually not that long a story, but we'll save it

for another time. Welcome to Different, Not Broken, which

is our podcast on exactly that. That there are a lot of people in

this world walking around feeling broken. And the reality is you're different,

and that's fine.

I take one pill a day. I take one

pill every single day. I call it my allergy

medicine. It treats my allergy to

other people and occasionally my husband.

And it turns the light on when

the world starts to turn gray, which is

something that I have found in meeting some

of my extended family and obviously my immediate family is like a thing

that happens to us. It's like in all of us,

one day we all wake up, we don't realize it, and

the world has no color in it and the sun doesn't shine very

bright and everything seems kind of miserable.

But we don't realize because it's different than

what you think of when you think of, I

think, quote unquote, mental illness or

depression. So if I say depression, you think

crying all the time, unable to get out of bed, no motivation to do anything,

missing work, giving up on things, feeling hopeless.

And that's not ever what it was.

There have been a few acute times in response to

very specific situations where I have felt worse than that.

I never miss work. I never

called out. I didn't cry,

I didn't feel sad. I just,

like, would respond really harshly when people would talk to

me and just feel really, like low key angry all the

time. Like, I felt like I was getting, like I was just mad all the

time. I would catch myself sometimes and go, like, why did that

make me so mad? That was so benign. But I'm

so mad. I think it was probably like,

a solid 10 years of not realizing that that was not

normal. It was just like there was nothing exciting. There was nothing to

get excited about. I didn't look forward to anything. Everything

felt like it was going to be a disappointment, and

I did not go seek

assistance for it because I realized the world

was gray. I did it because we

were about probably six months or a year into the pandemic,

and I was having nightmares. Like, to me, very scary nightmares

every night that I basically forgot my mask and

infected everybody around me. And it was like every single

night I would have the same nightmare that I forgot my mask. And, like, we

were pretty well quarantined at that point. And we quarantined for a long time.

And so it wasn't like I woke up and it was in any way

resembling the life we were living. Just the stress of the pandemic and

not knowing what was gonna happen and the way that I was working and being

in a job that was not great for my soul at the time, and et

cetera. I finally was like, these nightmares really are

bad. And so I went and talked to a psychiatrist

who asked me really rude questions, like,

how many hours do you work a week? And

do you think about work when you're not working? And I was like,

I don't understand how either of those things are your business.

Rude. She didn't like my answers to either

of those questions, by the way. She's not pleased. But she did say,

yeah, this sounds like you have an anxiety disorder. She said, that is pretty disruptive.

You know, I basically said, my entire family is on Prozac, so can I

just take Prozac? And she was like, sure. And that

is true. We all, like. Even the dogs are on Prozac. That's not a

joke. Well, actually, the dog that was on Prozac has since died. But, like,

we had a very anxious dog, and the vet was like, prozac. And I was

like, that's the family medication, so that's fine. That'll work. And it. It did help

his anxiety, too. That dog would get anxious and literally

unlock doors. Like, we

found him running the neighborhood because he figured out how to work the

deadbolt on the front door of the house.

That's how anxious he was. Also, I get similarly

anxious, so I get it. I could figure out how to work a deadbolt

if I thought it would free me from my anxiety. A complicated deadbolt.

As a human, at baseline, I can usually operate a deadbolt.

Usually I'm kind of smart enough for that. But like, you could

put like a complicated puzzle in front of me and be like, solve this and

your anxiety will go away. And I'd be like, here you go. Thank you.

So I get it. I do understand the dog. But also it got better with

Prozac, which I also understand. The

reason I talk about that specifically is because

first off, she prescribed medication. I started taking it

despite the fact that I'm a person who says all the time to

people, if a doctor prescribes medication for you

and you're supposed to be taking it, please take it. I'm not great at taking

my own medication. And that has been an issue recently. And

we're working on a system for that. That isn't my husband coming into my office

every day going, did you take it? Because, yeah,

that's been a thing. But I thought it was just taking it for anxiety

really, because I was anxious and I was having these

nightmares and I didn't want the nightmares to keep happening. But then I looked around

and I realized, like, there's like this big

star thing in the sky, like during the day and

like, it makes the world like colorful.

There's nothing beside the nighttime

nightmares. That was the other catalyst to

going, there's something wrong. Our babysitter

came by with her friend's puppy.

It was like a 10 week old pug puppy

and it was perhaps the cutest thing I have ever

seen in my life. And I didn't care.

Like, I will run into the road in full on

coming traffic to save a dog on the regular.

And there was an exceptionally cute animal that

I should have wanted to eat in front of me. And I was

like, okay. And she was like,

you don't want to play with the puppy. Because I like, I am a very

reasonable person who has excellent

impulse control and I would have 45 dogs if my husband

let me. Like every time I walked past a puppy, I would be like, yes,

bring it home. Yes. The fact that we only have two,

and I say two, two individually

160 pound dogs is like having 45 dogs. But

also the fact that we only

have two of them is a victory every day. Or a

failure, depending on your take on the matter. I vacillate.

But this puppy should have been like, I should have been like laying on the

floor and just letting this dog climb all over me and chew on my face,

giggling uncontrollably. Because that is the type of thing that I do when I am

presented with a puppy. And I was just like,

eh. That's when I realized I Was like,

something's wrong. This is not normal. It was like everything

inside was dull. It was like I knew that I should feel

excitement. I just wasn't capable of it. So I started taking

the medicine. And I did it because I thought I just had anxiety,

which is fine. And there's been no question that I have anxiety.

I've always had anxiety. Typically, my anxiety is what makes me good at

things. Cause I can always, like, see down the road and see around the corner

and predict things and make good decisions because of it. And

occasionally it gets overwhelming. But for the

most part, like, being an anxious person serves me very well, but

this was not serving me well. But as a byproduct

of that situation of trying to handle my

anxiety, the world had color again. And

I started laughing at things and I started

making jokes that were funny and not just funny because

they were uncomfortable. And I started looking forward

to doing things with my kids again. And it has

not made me eager to leave the house. Don't think, like, it's an

antidepressant. It's not a miracle worker. Like, I still don't leave the house.

But that's just like, my baseline personality. I knew it was working

really well because we had planned our

first vacation in a very long time. We were gonna drive up.

This was like mid pandemic, so we didn't wanna get on a plane. And we

were gonna drive up from Florida to Vermont, where we

had rented a house, and we were gonna go play in the snow for two

weeks. We were super excited about it. And my

husband being my husband, we had planned to leave at X time.

X time came and went. Then it was an hour later. Then it was another

hour later. Then he's still putting things together. Then he decides at

the last minute that he needs to wash the car. Because apparently you can't drive

a dirty car. That's news to me. I did not know this.

And then he had to check the windshield washer fluid, which

made sense. But, like, don't you do that, like, in the days before

you leave? Not. Anyway, so it was like a whole

thing. And he was doing all

of the things that he kind of very normally does, like that I can anticipate

he's going to do that. Drive me fucking batshit. And I was

just like, okay. And normally I would be, like, really

annoyed and kicking and screaming and yelling at him

to hurry up and talking about how we're three hours late

and feeling so anxious about being late, because being late makes me so

anxious. And I will say that the punctual

spouse, who is married to the time blind spouse understands how

people end up on Dateline. No question about that. But

anyway, he was doing his thing, and I was just like,

okay. And I didn't get angry, and I just kind

of waded through it, and I was like, this is not the end of the

world. This does not feel like this

guy is falling down on me. And so I've had a couple of

adjustments over the years, but it's still basically one pill a day. I didn't know

there was anything wrong. It wasn't interfering with

my life so much that anybody else would notice

there was something wrong. But the world also had no color in it.

And I didn't realize that. And I didn't look forward

to anything. And everything was a chore,

and everything felt like it could lead to the end of the

world. That's being dramatic about being dramatic. But, like, that was

the, you know, everything could merit that response.

And I think we

probably don't talk enough about how you don't have to be in full

crisis to ask for help, and you don't have to be in full crisis

to need help. I think we all

spend a lot of time in crisis and dealing with

dumpster fires and putting out one

catastrophic thing after another that it feels

like if things are just, like, not okay.

That's not enough of a reason to ask for help. It's enough

of a reason. It's more than enough of a reason.

I could have lived probably a long time having nightmares

and walking around in a world that was

shades of gray, but not the good ones, because I didn't

realize how. I didn't realize that wasn't normal

because, like, I was still feeding my kids. I

was still shown up to work every day,

was still trusted with lots of important things, and I

still needed somebody to intervene. And

I think my brain's way of getting the help that it needed

was to give me something I could not ignore, which was

nightmares that were terrifying the shit out of me so that I finally went and

did something about it. But the world does not have to be on

fire for you to need support. You can need support just

by nature of needing support. And if you are

surrounded by people who make you feel like that's not

a good enough reason, let's go find you some new people.

You deserve support even when things are great. And I'm sure you give

the support to other people, regardless how

quote, unquote qualified it is. The world does not have to be on

fire. For there to be a problem. And you don't have to be in

full crisis to need things to be better.

For this week's small talk again, remember, this is something we do every week. I

don't know if I've been clear about this before, but fuck. J.K. rowling,

I like to call her. Just Kidding Rowling. Because she's gotta be

kidding fucking serious. It

sucks because my kids love those books. Like, love them. And

I loved them. I was only a little bit older than my oldest

when they came out. So we have a rule that they can, like,

consume the stories, but we don't pay for

anything directly. So, like, they can have the stuff. As long

as she gets none of our money. That's our rule.

And my kids, we were at

Universal not that long ago, and they obviously have tons of

Harry Potter stuff everywhere. And my oldest comes

up to me and goes, ma, if we were to buy this here,

does that count as giving her money? And I said, yes. And she

goes, ugh, I just really want a Gryffindor shirt.

And I was like, we will buy a knockoff Gryffindor shirt on

Etsy. Nobody's paying those licenses on Etsy. She was like,

so I'm not allowed to have this wand? I'm like, nope, sorry.

Like, she needs more stuff, right? Like, she doesn't have. She came up to me

one day and was like, mom, there's a book I have not read, and I

need a copy of it. I'm like, which one?

She was like, it's Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

And I was like, oh, sweetheart, no, that's the same book. I'm not buying you

another one. She's nine. She's read

six out of seven of the books in the last three weeks.

I can't imagine what it's like to have a brain with this much space in

it. She's so smart. But she comes up to me and she's like,

mom, what color are Harry's eyes? And I'm like, sweetheart, I don't even know

what color your dad's eyes are. Like, I have no idea. She

was like, okay, you remember in book four when. And

I'm like, I remember this big plot point over

seven books. To be clear, I'm not talking about, like, I could tell you in

what book this happened. I know that you meet Sirius in

book three. I know that he dies in book five. But other than that, it's

all like, so. She was like, okay, so in the middle of book

four, when he walks into the blah, blah, blah, blah, and does the blah, blah,

blah, blah. Do you remember if. And I'm like, no,

no. I read them when I

was a literal teenager. That was a long

time ago. Now I have, like, it was enough

time that I could create my own humans

who can read the books that I read. Like, if you

show me, like, a symbol from it, I can, like, usually clock

it. I've never been here for details.

Like, literally, like, I'm pretty sure my husband's eyes are brown. Thanks for being here,

guys. Have a good day. Love you mean it.