Hello and welcome to the Choosing Happy Podcast.

I'm Heather Masters, and this week is a little bit different.

In the podcast, I'm talking about the why of things, and much more than that is.

You know, I was considering quitting my own podcast, and I want to share what that taught me when I was thinking I about the why.

So stay tuned for this week's Choosing Happy Podcast.

Hello and welcome to the Choosing Happy Podcast.

It's a bit of a mix.

This week I am going to be talking about my theme of why.

And beginning with why I'm considering quitting the podcast.

I've been thinking about it over the last few weeks.

I put a lot of effort into it.

It's three years since I started the podcast.

Over three years.

And sometimes it just feels like I'm kind of whistling into the void.

There's nothing coming back.

You know, it's crickets.

But then I realized that that's probably what a lot of people are feeling at the moment around the world, you know, things are shifting and we aren't getting the results that we used to because.

Because change is happening as well.

So I wanted to explore that a little bit.

And, you know, in your businesses, if you.

If you're getting clients that you used to get, if you're not attracting the same people, it's about looking at that change, but it's not necessarily about looking at why, other than looking at what's working right now and maybe revisiting your client base, revisiting what makes you light up, revisiting what helps your clients, how you can best serve.

Maybe that's changed, I think, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think the layers are being peeled back and we're being.

There's a demand to be more authentic about who you are.

And that's really what I want to talk about, what to do when you want to quit the thing you created, and also how not to get stuck in the why of it all.

You know, I was chatting with a mate last week over zoom and a cuppa, a nice coffee, and she was really spiraling, really spiraling down about her teenage daughter.

And she'd been down every rabbit hole you can imagine around, you know, the hormones, the temper tantrums, and she's just felt like she was losing control a little bit and she started blaming herself and trying to look at why.

Was it because she'd worked too much?

Her daughter was younger?

Was it because she'd gone through a divorce?

And I can relate.

I've been through these similar things myself.

And it's easy to get stuck in that why.

But that why can lead you to a downward spiral of negativity.

In neuro linguistic programming, we rarely ask why, because why implies some blame.

It implies something outside of ourselves, where often you don't really need to know the why.

The only time you need to know the why is when you're thinking about values and why something important to you.

That's the perfect time to ask why.

And yes, there's, you know, knowing your why, knowing your higher purpose.

And yet, even with that, we can get stuck in procrastination because we think we don't know our purpose or we don't know our why.

And I'd like to bring it back right to the moment, right to the day, right to the choice.

And every second that we have a choice to motivate ourselves, what are we doing something for in the moment?

What's the choice right now?

What do we want to do?

What's going to work?

You know, there are some better questions to be asking rather than going on a great why hunt.

Because here's the thing about us humans.

We're absolutely obsessed with the why.

And I think culturally, you know, why did that happen?

Why did you do that?

And that's kind of accusatory.

And as I say, it's not always helpful.

And we're like forensic investigators of our own lives, especially in personal development, examining every emotional crime scene with a magnifying glass, you know, convinced that if we can just crack the case, we'll somehow be free and transformed.

But what if I told you that this relentless pursuit of the why is actually what's keeping you stuck?

What if your need to understand everything puts you into analysis?

Paralysis.

And it prevents you from the transformation, from actually changing it.

And I know that sounds counterintuitive because we have been conditioned to believe that understanding equals healing, that insight equals transformation.

But here's what I've learned after years of working with brilliant humans and training with the best and watching people, especially in tech, tie themselves into intellectual knots.

Sometimes the why is just a very sophisticated form of procrastination.

It's our unconscious mind, our ego, if you like, giving us something to worry about and keep ourselves stuck, rather than facing the fear and doing it anyway.

So let me paint you a picture.

Imagine you're standing in your kitchen, and there's a fire on the hob.

Now, you could spend precious minutes analyzing why the fire started.

Was it the oil temperature?

Was it the brand of pan?

Was it your great grandmother's cooking?

Karma.

Or you could simply turn off the hob and deal with what's actually happening in the moment, in the now.

The fire doesn't care about your analysis, it just needs you to respond.

And it's the response that's important.

It's one of these conversations I had with my son recently that life isn't fair.

And once you accept that, and it took me a long time to accept it, but life isn't fair.

But it's how you deal with life, how you respond, that gives you the power.

And I think we've become emotional archaeologists, haven't we?

And that's kind of a side effect of personal development.

We dig through the sediment of the past looking for the artifact, the very clue that will explain everything.

Ah yes, there it is.

The moment when I was five and my mum said I was too sensitive.

That's why I people please.

And it's not so much knowing about why.

And don't get me wrong, there's absolute value in understanding your patterns and understanding the core events, sometimes in terms of really creating a transformation.

But here's where it gets wonky.

We often use understanding as a substitute for moving forward, for action.

Because we know the insight, we think that that's the reason we can't do something rather than yes, I know the insight, so what am I going to do now?

What's the next action for me?

How do I make this work?

What has to happen for things to change?

Now I have this information and we collect insights like trophies, thinking that if we can just gather enough of them, we'll magically trans.

But the insight without the action is just expensive self entertainment.

And I should know, I've been very, very good at this in my own life.

And I had a client, one, let's call him Carl, who could, you could give a PhD level dissertation on exactly why he procrastinated.

He knew about his perfectionism, his fear of failure, his childhood patterns, his attachment style, his astrolog influences, and probably his past lives as a stressed out Roman senator.

And I know, I relate because if you've been in personal development as a transformational practitioner for any time, you know you're probably one of the worst clients to have.

And this man had more self awareness than a mindfulness retreat.

And as I say, I can really, really relate.

But he still wasn't getting the work done, he still wasn't moving forward.

Because knowing why you're stuck doesn't unstick you, it just makes you a well informed stuck person.

So here's the uncomfortable truth about Comfortable patterns.

It's something that might make you squirm a bit, but sometimes we stay stuck because staying stuck is familiar.

The devil you know.

Being comfortable in your discomfort and all of that stuff.

Even our suffering can become oddly comforting because at least we understand it.

The why, hunting.

It's often just another way of staying in our comfort zone of avoidance, of not embracing the fear and doing it anyway.

We get to feel like we're doing something productive whilst never actually having to change anything.

And we can spend years in therap, in workshops, reading self help books, becoming experts on our own dysfunction, doing all of the courses, all of the training, while never actually functioning differently.

As I say, I can relate.

I've been on so many courses and it's, you know, it's easy to get stuck and think there's just the one thing, just the one next thing to keep trying to keep looking for the why rather than looking at things like compensating strategies and just notice noticing and having that awareness.

Because it's the awareness that gives you choice.

You get to choose something different when you notice the behavior.

And I say all of this with enormous compassion because as I say, I have been there.

I've been the person who could explain exactly why I had commitment issues.

I chose bad relationships, I self sabotaged everything good that came my way.

I was rubbish with money, I had my psychological CV down to a fine art, but I was still choosing unavailable partners.

I was still choosing and sabotaging good things.

So what is the alternative?

It's the power of the present moment.

It starts with a radical shift from why is this happening?

To what is this asking of me right now?

What's the gift here?

Instead of why do I always feel anxious before big meetings?

Try what does this anxiety need from me in this moment?

Can I welcome this anxiety?

Can I allow it to flow through me?

What's the gift and the anxiety?

Is it actually excitement?

Instead of why do I keep attracting the same type of partner?

Try what am I choosing right now and what could I choose differently?

This isn't about bypassing your emotions.

It's actually about welcoming them.

It's about embracing them.

It's not about pretending everything's fine when it's not.

Again, you're.

It's about meeting what's actually here with curiosity and welcome rather than interrogation.

And it means letting go of the judgment as well and giving yourself some grace.

I want you to imagine for a moment that your emotions are like weather patterns.

And when a storm rolls in, you don't Stand there demanding to know why it's raining.

You grab an umbrella or a brolly and find shelter.

You respond to actually what's happening, so you get real about what's happening and then you take appropriate guided action.

Your anxiety isn't a problem to be solved, it's weather to be acknowledged.

It's kind of to be welcomed so that you can let it flow and you can choose something different.

Your sadness isn't a mystery to be cracked, it's a visitor that needs to be welcomed, even if you don't particularly want it around for tea.

Actually welcoming it allows it to pass more quickly.

Now this is where the magic of somatic work comes in.

Your body is having the experience right now, not five years ago when the pattern started.

Your nervous system is responding to what's happening in this moment, not to the historical why.

So when you feel that familiar anxiety, that clench in your chest, it's not your five year old self needing analysis.

This is your present moment self needing attention.

So try this with me right now.

Notice what's happening in your body as you sit and listen to this.

Are your shoulders tense?

I know mine are a little.

Is your jaw clenched?

And are you holding your breath?

How are you breathing?

Don't ask why, just notice.

And then if you fancy it, see if you can soften whatever it is you're holding.

Just allow your shoulders to relax, maybe take a breath in and let go.

Not because you understand it, but you're choosing to respond to what's actually there.

You're choosing to notice how your body's feeling, allowing it and then just releasing it.

And that's the power of the present moment.

It's the only place where change can actually happen.

I've done a whole series of podcasts on interrupting patterns.

And that's where it gets really interesting.

Because once you start noticing what's happening in real time, in the present moment, you suddenly have the power to interrupt patterns as they are happening.

You become aware of them.

So let's say you recognize that familiar spiral starting, the one where you convince yourself you're not good enough.

Where you start to doubt yourself, where you're starting to pull away from people, where you begin that well worn path of self sabotage.

Instead of diving into the archaeological dig of why this pattern exists, you can simply say, ah, hello friend, I see you, I've been here before, I know who you are, but I'm going to choose something different right now.

It's like being a gentle bouncer at the door of your own consciousness.

You don't have to be aggressive about it, but you can be polite.

Yes, I see you.

Familiar anxiety pattern.

I understand you think you're helping, but I'm not available for this particular dance today.

Now, here's where some people get their knickers in the twist.

They think that accepting what is means being passive, giving up or settling for less than they deserve.

But acceptance isn't passive.

It's the most radical act of power you can engage in.

Because you can't change what you can't acknowledge.

And you can't acknowledge what you're busy trying to explain away, what you're trying to put outside of you.

I remember working with a woman who was absolutely furious about her divorce.

She'd spent months trying to understand why her husband had left, what she'd done wrong, what she could have done differently.

She was like a detective who never closed the case.

And then one day, she just stopped.

She stopped asking why and started asking what.

What was actually true right now.

What did she need?

What was her next right step?

And within weeks, her whole life began to shift.

Not because she found the answers, but because she'd stopped needing them.

And I know that for me, personally, I found this after both my parents had died and I found myself on my own.

It's like, why?

Why am I here at this stage in my life in these circumstances which I would never, ever have forecast?

But it isn't about the why.

The why doesn't really help.

It's the acknowledgement, this is where I am.

What's next?

What's the next right step?

Here's something our culture doesn't prepare us for.

The absolute beauty of not knowing.

It's so powerful to get comfortable with uncertainty.

We live in a world that worships certainty, that demands explanations, that's uncomfortable with mystery.

But some of the most profound transformations happen in that space of not knowing, happen in the void, in the willingness to be with what is without needing to file it under the correct category or examine it or commit an autopsy on it.

Your depression might not have a tidy origin story.

Your anxiety might not trace back to a specific event.

Your relationship patterns might not fit neatly into your attachment style box.

And that's okay.

In fact, it's actually more than okay.

It's human.

And as I said earlier, I think it's becoming a habit.

I know it was for me.

I was almost addicted to trying to find the next reason why I wasn't getting where I was wanting to go without looking at actually.

What's the next step towards where I Want to go.

And rather than trying to control everything, getting into flow and alignment and moving forward intuitively and guided.

So let's get practical.

Because this isn't just a philosophical rambling.

It's about real tools for life.

It's the stop technique.

So when you catch yourself in why hunting mode, when you're looking for that core reason and you know you've done it over and over again, simply stop.

Stop what you're doing.

T, take a breath.

Oh, Observe what's actually happening right now.

And then p, proceed with a conscious choice.

And there's also the three, three, three grounding.

So you can notice three things you can see, three things you can hear, and three things that you can feel.

And that drops you right into the present moment where your actual power lives.

And as I said, we've mentioned, pattern interrupts before.

And when you notice the familiar pattern, when you increase that awareness so you can actually see it starting, do something, anything different to interrupt that pattern.

If you usually catastrophize, try humming.

If you usually withdraw, try reaching out to someone.

And if you usually analyze, try moving your body and doing something physical instead.

And here's what happens when you start living from the present moment rather than from the story of your past.

Everything changes.

Your relationships become more authentic because you're responding to who people actually are right now in this moment in front of you, not who they remind you of or who you're assuming they're showing up as.

In the moment, your work becomes more creative because you're not filtering every decision through the lens of past failures.

You're actually focusing on what you're doing and what's present.

And what's the the enjoyable part?

What's the next thing you can do to add huge value?

Your self talk becomes kinder because you're not constantly prosecuting yourself for crimes you allegedly committed years ago.

And you're not looking to blame other people for circumstances that just are.

So here's my invitation to you lovely humans.

What if, just for today, you stopped asking why and started welcoming what is started welcoming the moment, the emotions, the gift.

What if you treated your emotions like weather, Acknowledging them, responding to them, allowing them to flow through, but not needing to understand their entire meteorological history?

And what if you trusted that your power lies not in your ability to explain your past, but in your capacity to choose your next moment?

I'm not saying throw away your therapy or stop your coaching or your self reflection.

I'm saying balance it.

Balance it with presence, with awareness.

Season your insight with action.

And pair your understanding with acceptance.

Because at the end of the day, you're not living in the why, you're living in the what is present moment.

And the what is is where all the magic happens right then.

Gorgeous souls.

That's all I've got for you today.

And remember, you don't need to have it all figured out to move forward.

I am not figuring out my podcast or second guessing.

I am looking at it in terms of strategy and content moving forward and I'm being present with what's actually here for me.

So if this episode has stirred something up for you, and I hope it has, I hope it's got you thinking, come and find me on social media.

I'm Heather V. Masters Everywhere and I'd love to hear how you're practicing the art of welcoming your emotions, welcoming what is being present.

And until next time, keep Choosing Happy.

Not because you understand why you're sad, but because you're choosing differently right now.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this week's episode.

If you enjoyed it or think it would be valuable to others, please do share.

And if you really enjoyed it, please leave me a review.

It really helps the podcast, all of the links are in the show notes and I look forward to seeing you next week on the Choosing Happy podcast.

Sam.