[00:00:00] Server: Okay. Okay, so we have, uh, chicken tikka, garlic naan, vegetable korma, and two saag paneer one normal, and one no spicy for you American p*****

[00:00:11] Henry: Uh, I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

[00:00:13] Server: Uh, two saag paneer, one normal, and one, uh, no spicy.

[00:00:16] Sanjay: Thank you so much. It looks amazing.

[00:00:18] Kevin: Did anyone hear what that guy called us?

[00:00:20] Sanjay: Finally, someone just called us Americans. No preceding adjectives.

[00:00:24] Angela: Oh, um, do you need to get that?

[00:00:26] Lisa: Oh, no, no, no. It's just my mom. Yeah, we just got our phi phi Island photos back. She's so cute.

[00:00:31] Henry: Damn, Mrs. Vu really knows how to bust a pose.

[00:00:35] Lisa: Okay. Where do you think I'd get it from?

[00:00:36] Angela: Every other photo is either y'all looking snatched on a beach or y'all in front of a massive plate of shrimp.

[00:00:42] Lisa: I know, right? The two most important things to spend money on, travel food.

[00:00:46] Kevin: Amen.

[00:00:47] Angela: By the looks of it, that cost a fortune.

[00:00:50] Lisa: Yeah. Keeping your mama fed and fierce is truly the fountain of youth. And yeah, it's pretty pricey, but she looks forward to it every year. Mostly for the photos.

[00:00:58] Henry: Her eHarmony must be like, blowing up.

[00:01:00] Lisa: Oh yeah. She has a rotation right now. I swear to God, if I hear this woman will wake me up in the middle of the night screaming, daddy, I'm gonna throw up.

[00:01:07] Brian: Maybe my mom would like it if I took her someplace nice.

[00:01:10] Henry: Brian, when are you gonna give it up? Asian moms can't actually be friends with their kids.

[00:01:14] Brian: Oh, I don't expect us to become friends. I just want her to stop asking me if I'm part of the KP.

[00:01:19] Angela: At least you have a chance to prove yourself, Brian. My mom and I are just no longer on speaking terms.

[00:01:25] Lisa: Oh my God. You told her about your trip?

[00:01:26] Angela: No, she saw the EZ pass receipts and put two and two together. Fricken Holland Tunnel.

[00:01:31] Kevin: My mom, uh, she's been okay since I moved out. I think she misses me. She'll snap me photos of little things I left at the house, like my winter coat and my Xbox and be like, Hey, I'm, i'm throwing this out.

[00:01:43] Sanjay: Well, at least your mom isn't trying to get you to f***.

[00:01:47] Henry: Your mom is trying to f*** you, dude?

[00:01:49] Angela: What does that, what does that mean, your mom wants you to f***?

[00:01:52] Sanjay: Well, I mean, I think it has something to do with wanting me to succeed.

[00:01:55] Henry: Dude, is that what she called say last week? Beta. You laying the pipe?

[00:01:59] Sanjay: Okay. Henry, don't be a rascal. Don't be crass, henry. Geeta is more dignified than that. My mom called and she said she needed to talk right away.

[00:02:10] Geeta: Beta. Get home this instantly.

[00:02:12] Geeta: We need to talk!

[00:02:14] Sanjay: And my license is still suspended for the whole Tesla surfing thing, which I think makes no sense because I wasn't the one driving, so I totally obliterated my Bludstones racing back to catch the last train to Central Jersey.

[00:02:30] Sanjay: I love going home. I don't have to pay for laundry. Geeta makes a fire, chicken curry dish. She keeps my room exactly the way I left it with crispy folded sheets I got in hella late, so the next morning I was laying in bed watching fresh off the boat on ABC and suddenly my mom appears in the room with a plate of cutup. Like beta. How you doing? Like direct eye contact? Like that never happens.

[00:02:54] Henry: Dude, I hate this sneak attack. It happens to me all the time. With the fruits always right? With the mangoes. With the mangoes. You b****, right? They I

[00:03:02] Sanjay: custard apples, dude. Dude.

[00:03:04] Angela: Ugh. A 'how are you doing' with eye contact is dire?

[00:03:08] Sanjay: Well, I've been getting a lot of calls to the house about my disability leave.

[00:03:11] Kevin: You mean the Tesla surfing accident. You can get disability when it's your own fault?

[00:03:16] Sanjay: Well, we'll see. Geeta helped me put the casework together. It's a lot of paperwork and evidence, and I told her to pull the video of my accident from Twitch.

[00:03:25] Henry: This is why you're not getting laid. Dude. Indian girls hate this, like mama's boy. sh**.

[00:03:29] Angela: Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. You live streamed your own accident?

[00:03:32] Sanjay: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's covered on a drone and a helmet cam, doesn't perform as well as I would've liked, like hot tubs and beaches content, but still, I've gotten a few sponsor requests.

[00:03:41] Lisa: Okay. Okay. I mean, how does this tie into the cut freak thing?

[00:03:44] Henry: The eavesdropping undies?

[00:03:46] Sanjay: Yes, dude, guys, aunties are everywhere.

[00:03:51] Geeta: I booked you and see my Auntie's daughter, two tickets to see the new Top Gun led by the great American hero, Tom Cruise. He surfs on Teslas just like you. Please, bro, take the tickets.

[00:04:04] Sanjay: I heard he does all his own stunts. Wait, wait, but why?

[00:04:09] Geeta: Just trust your mother. You need this

[00:04:12] Sanjay: mom. Okay, I can see that you want to talk about it, and you look like this ZTV mother-in-law who really has--

[00:04:18] Geeta: ...Beta. i don't want to alarm you, but I heard you went to prison with your friend Henry. I didn't know my son went so hard like this.

[00:04:29] Sanjay: It was just jail. Mom, can you get out? I have something to do.

[00:04:34] Geeta: See, my auntie said her Gunjan was spectating a highly anticipated GeoGuessr when a handle popped up on the sidebar. Chai Chandler 95.

[00:04:44] Sanjay: Uh, not familiar.

[00:04:45] Geeta: Enough lies Beta. I know you've been to the friends experience in Manhattan and Gunjan recognized your Tesla.

[00:04:54] Geeta: But he said the video had 20. 5K streams and that the policeman fist bumped you.

[00:05:00] Sanjay: Look, mom, I've already apologized. Can't I just eat this mango and we can stop harping on it?

[00:05:06] Geeta: Beta. Beta. Then your boss called yesterday and asked how you are doing. I told him about your surfing accident, that you were in jail, and he said, wow.

[00:05:19] Geeta: I was prepared to take on this white man, but his entire tone change and he kept talking to me asking what kind of drone you had.

[00:05:29] Sanjay: He, he saw the video.

[00:05:31] Geeta: Honestly, I had an epiphany about your arrest.

[00:05:34] Sanjay: Okay, so you're not mad

[00:05:37] Geeta: Beta. I'm proud.

[00:05:40] Sanjay: You are proud?

[00:05:41] Sanjay: you are finally on the right track. I realized, oh, perfect timing.

[00:05:49] Sanjay: Hi, Selena.

[00:05:51] Selena: Hi Auntie. My mom told me she ran into you at an ASS-A meetup and she wanted me to give you a call when I get the chance. It sounded urgent.

[00:05:58] Sanjay: Oh, yes. We need a lot of help here.

[00:06:02] Selena: Sure, auntie!

[00:06:03] Sanjay: Can you do me a favor and meet me over in the Corporal Plaza strip mall at 7:00 PM, you know, the, the one with the new Boba Place and Regal Cinemas.

[00:06:14] Selena: Um, I mean, yes, I guess I don't have any plans tonight, but what is this about?

[00:06:19] Sanjay: Great, by the way, Selena, uncle and I are getting a divorce. It's a very tough time for me right now.

[00:06:27] Selena: Oh no. I'll see you there.

[00:06:28] Geeta: Dress nicely. We have something very important to do.

[00:06:31] Selena: I'm so sorry to hear that. Whatever I can do to help.

[00:06:34] Geeta: It's okay, Selena. Uncle and I will remain friends. With no benefits. You kids are lucky. You have as a back in my day, it was wham bam. Thank you, madam. You're married now. Please enjoy your manchild husband.

[00:06:53] Selena: Yes, you're right. We do have it a lot better, but it's not stellar either.

[00:06:59] Sanjay: Wait, you and dad are getting a divorce?

[00:07:02] Geeta: Trial separation.

[00:07:04] Geeta: It's like a free trial period for the divorce. Anyway, my point is, it hit me. Your dad and I did everything by the book. Got educated, secondary educated, kids early and often, and provided a completely stable life for them.

[00:07:21] Sanjay: I don't know about a completely stable. Emotionally, I'd say actually unstable.

[00:07:25] Geeta: Focus, Beta!

[00:07:26] Geeta: My point is we did everything the Indian way. Raise smart kids. Yeah. So what's the problem? I took a look on the Twitch thingy. Half naked girls and boys making more than your cousin Prakash, who's one of the best prostate checkers in Manhattan for the last five years. That, my friend, is the problem.

[00:07:49] Sanjay: Mom, are you gonna keep calling me your friend?

[00:07:52] Geeta: Friend-o, 50 grand for a sponsored post by Bud Light sipping Bud in a bikini or checking the bougie bungholes of Manhattans. Which would you rather do?

[00:08:06] Sanjay: Mom? It is not that simple. Okay. You are like totally oversimplifying everything.

[00:08:10] Geeta: No, no, no, no. Call me Geeta. We're now friends. Besides, since we're doing this trial separation, we can go out together to the clubs as, as you can say, clubberz

[00:08:21] Sanjay: Mom. Oh my, oh my--

[00:08:23] Geeta: GEETA. Look, I'm trying to say keep screwing things up. Actually, just follow Henry's lead. The guy just goes off fam and it's gonna pay off. I'm saying, I'm saying we messed up. Look at what our careful planning got you. You're a good little goodie two shoes boy. Who now is going to to be someone else's sidekick for the next 20 years?

[00:08:49] Geeta: Brew it up. When is the last time you got laid bestie? Be honest,

[00:08:54] Sanjay: I, I don't feel comfortable discussing that with you. Okay. But it's been some time for sure. Like, like months.

[00:09:00] Geeta: More lies. More lies. And get used to discussing it. buck-o, because you have to look hot for your date tonight. Successful American men need to be hot, like Tom Hiddleston, but also need to read Bell Hooks to understand the complex emotional factors that lead to the patriarchy, which --

[00:09:24] Sanjay: Okay, okay, okay. Okay. I get it. I'll read it. Wait, wait, wait. But what, what date?

[00:09:29] Geeta: I set up a date for you through Auntie Set-Up Sweethearts of America, ASS-A, it's basically us aunties working together to help you anxiety prone moon calves find actual love instead of just telling each other emotional triggers after a night of intense ass eating and calling that love.

[00:09:53] Kevin: Is everyone eating ass now? Should I be eating ass?

[00:09:57] Angela: Is that why there's a norovirus outbreak?

[00:09:59] Lisa: Wow, your mom. My mom should totally go for brunch. Also, you know, ass eating is a delicacy. If they're not into it, its a pass from me,

[00:10:06] Henry: I'm into it!

[00:10:07] Angela: I see her point though, I mean, our generation might seem woke on the surface, but our foundation is a bunch of under examined, boomer based anxieties.

[00:10:16] Sanjay: I mean, she didn't just mention it. She totally trashed all the elements of my sex appeal starting with everything I'm wearing.

[00:10:23] Geeta: This repulsive sweater. Even your dad doesn't own something so hideous. How have you ever gotten any?

[00:10:30] Sanjay: Any, any what? Oh my god, mom. It's not always about sex. I'm not even talking about just sex. I'm talking about passion, emotional connection, mutual understanding, and emotional connection. What are you talking about?

[00:10:47] Geeta: Oh my God, these socks are so ugly.

[00:10:50] Sanjay: I mean, I got that from Banana Republic. Haven't you always said, 'the best girls have efficient taste?'

[00:10:56] Geeta: The best girls, oh my God. Do you hear yourself? What have I done? Please tell me you don't talk like that on a date.

[00:11:07] Sanjay: There is nothing wrong with the way I speak. Okay? You're being dramatic. Mom, whatever. Also, stop putting those clothes in a garbage bag. They're all very, very sophisticated outfits.

[00:11:15] Geeta: Sanjay, you have a date in less than two hours. Your success depends on you getting some ass tonight.

[00:11:23] Geeta: Where this black tee? I have a gold chain you can wear. Actually, I think we have time to go to a thrift store like Macklemore.

[00:11:30] Sanjay: What the F are you talking about?

[00:11:32] Geeta: Not F. f***, f***, f***, f***. But what I'm saying is. Be a 2.0. Sanjay, admit your flaws and be sexy as hell, but be a giver as well.

[00:11:45] Kevin: So after years of training you to be a total square, your mom just decides to take a hard left?

[00:11:50] Henry: Yo, gives me something to hope for. Holy sh**.

[00:11:52] Angela: I mean, and not really like this whole thing is still all about this. Right, like this deficiency of success that immigrants all have when they come to this country and they just get hung up on Tiger Mom regimen as a solution to their woes, but it just never ends.

[00:12:09] Henry: Okay. Look, I don't give a f*** whatever you learned at Bard, Angela. All I know is I'm all for it if my mom embraces my comedy career.

[00:12:15] Lisa: All right guys, I just wanna point out to have a great relationship with my mom and I'm tired of all this immigrant parents slander. My mom and I are actually BFF.

[00:12:24] Geeta: Beta. Your dad and I came to this country in 1984. You know, it was a very tough road.

[00:12:30] Geeta: But I'm very happy because we were able to give you a good life. But there is one thing I think you know we messed up on, and we must fix it tonight.

[00:12:39] Sanjay: Thanks mom. But I guess I have a date or something soon. I need to get going.

[00:12:42] Geeta: Here lies the great American problem, Puritan culture, sexual shame. Shame. You know your dad and I feel very bad that he told you only to study, study, study.

[00:12:53] Geeta: Get into a good college. Good job. But there is so much more out there in life, like love. making!

[00:13:00] Sanjay: What are you talking about? Oh my God. Jesus Krishna Ma, you waited 24 and a half years to have the sex talk with me.

[00:13:07] Geeta: No, no, no. Not sex talk. Pleasure talk. I'm sorry I waited so long, but it's better late than ever.

[00:13:13] Sanjay: I can't do this with you. Okay. You know what my friends would say if I told them, my mom gave me the sex talk.

[00:13:18] Geeta: Now they'll say, you have an unhealthy relationship with your mom, and feed into the stereotype that Indian madam have unhealthy relationship with their mothers. They would say.

[00:13:28] Sanjay: Yes, yes, that's exactly what they would say.

[00:13:30] Geeta: It doesn't matter what they say. It's important to keep growing and changing no matter how late of a bloomer you are, or Beta, and please, please, please be generous about oral s*x.

[00:13:42] Sanjay: La la, la, la.

[00:13:44] Geeta: Your daddy never liked to do it and if I'm being honest, it was a contributing factor in the divorce. Wait, I thought you said it was a trial period.

[00:13:52] Sanjay: What, is this a real divorce?

[00:13:55] Henry: I mean, I do see your points, don't we all? You don't exactly. Look at Sanjay and go like, please inside me, please. Now. But guys, it's more than that. I feel like something isn't adding up. Brown girls are barely into bell hooks. You think an immigrant mom will be reading that? Negatorio.

[00:14:11] Henry: Also random sex talk at 25? I don't know.

[00:14:15] Lisa: Uh, Henry calma. I've seen moms be like this before. My mom and I were in Mexico for Cinco de Mayo, and let me tell you, I saw some sides of her I never thought I would see trauma and she was sober.

[00:14:26] Henry: Come on. Come on. We see it. Okay. Who the f*** wears Banana Republic? Ew.

[00:14:33] Henry: Auntie should have fixed them earlier if the story's even true, that is !

[00:14:36] Angela: All right. That's a little harsh, but um, I'm a little confused. There's an association setting Indian kids up like this is for real. ASS-A, are they kidding? Who did she set you up with?

[00:14:45] Brian: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, you're all missing the most groundbreaking aspect of this entire thing.

[00:14:51] Brian: Sanjay is living out a total anthropological anomaly of American life. His mom is on his case for not being cool and in the same breath is calling him a total incel. This is exactly Bengali Tiger Mom 2.0. That's the pitch. Does anyone have a contact at The New Yorker?

[00:15:09] Sanjay: She must have been really concerned about that incel part.

[00:15:13] Geeta: I got you a gift, Beta. It's a family heirloom. This is Pocket Rocket 2000. It was my mother's and I want you to have it. Guys and girls both can use, huh? I just want your wife to be happy or f*** around first and then make your wife happy. Honestly, experience is key.

[00:15:32] Sanjay: Is this used?

[00:15:33] Geeta: Your grandmother got it at the market.

[00:15:35] Geeta: Only 350 rupees and the battery still work!

[00:15:38] Sanjay: Oh my God. Wow. This is honestly so disturbing. Mom, forget what I said about talking, okay? I'd rather take the toxic route and bury this somewhere deep down my psyche.

[00:15:49] Geeta: Beta. I need to correct myself for years of making you into a non-sexual being. I didn't realize America was built on sex appeal.

[00:16:00] Geeta: Making you a non-sexual being was a misstep, if not a huge life ruining mistake. I was turning you inc*l.

[00:16:08] Sanjay: I'm not a virgin.

[00:16:09] Geeta: Beta. Do this one thing for me. If I don't find an empty box of Trojans, you are not my son. Please, just hit it and pass and smash it and quit it. Just do something respectfully.

[00:16:23] Sanjay: Dad is in on this now too?

[00:16:25] Sanjay: Mom. This is too much. I, I don't think I can go through with this.

[00:16:28] Geeta: Okay, you're gonna be late for your date. Here are the tickets.

Marker

---

[00:16:32] Sanjay: Historically, I've never had much luck with Indian girls or any girls really. So I didn't expect too much. I thought I'd just tell my mom I tried to catch the movie solo. But anyway, when I saw Selena, I immediately thought, wow, she's such a fit, nice girl. I could see our three car garage, suburban home in Connecticut, three golden retrievers. It was all starting to make sense until she said...

[00:16:57] Selena: I heard you were in jail.

[00:16:58] Sanjay: Oh my God, no. I'm a good person, I swear. Okay. Okay. I don't mean to defend my behavior because I'm cool.

[00:17:03] Selena: I think it's f***ing cool. Crime is a social construct.

[00:17:06] Sanjay: Sometimes, I guess, but maybe I deserved it.

[00:17:09] Selena: Can I just say I would generally rather cut my own tongue out than go on another ASS-A arranged blind date, but when my mom said you were in the system. I had a change of heart.

[00:17:21] Sanjay: So, uh, what do you do on the weekends?

[00:17:22] Selena: Come on. Do you really wanna hear about how I love pasta and good coffee shops in Williamsburg.

[00:17:27] Sanjay: Ooh. I love a big bowl of fettuccine. Okay. Okay. You wanna know what takes it to the next effing level? Chili flakes.

[00:17:34] Selena: Ask me a real question, a deep one. I'm an open book. Nothing is off limits.

[00:17:40] Sanjay: Mm-hmm. Okay. Mm. When did you have the sex talk with your parents?

[00:17:45] Selena: When I was 17. My mom refused to say the word vulva to me. Like, if she said it out loud, she would summon a p**** demon or something. So I just kept asking her why she was afraid to say it, and then she just snapped, started screaming vulva until she tried to throw herself out a window. What about you ?

[00:18:01] Sanjay: This afternoon actually, yeah. My mom gifted me my grandma's pocket rocket.

[00:18:08] Selena: You are hilarious. Hmm. Wanna hit?

[00:18:12] Sanjay: Oh, uh, no, I don't do that. Nicotine isn't my thing, but you go ahead.

[00:18:16] Selena: Oh, it's, it's not Nic. It's like a super low potency sativa. It makes food taste lit.

[00:18:22] Sanjay: Okay. I am already feeling lit off this, uh, sparkling water. Okay. But you enjoy.

[00:18:27] Selena: Wow. You're like cute in a weird way. You know, I would admit all the brown dudes from ASS-A, they're all mama's boys who want me to look after them and baby them, and they see me and they see someone's potential wife.

[00:18:39] Selena: But you are very. I don't know. Your gold chain, your ambivalence towards hallucinogens, your rambling consciousness, not sure where it's all heading.

[00:18:51] Sanjay: I try.

[00:18:51] Selena: Definitely cuter when you don't speak. No offense.

[00:18:54] Sanjay: Ho, ho, ho. That's a little offensive.

[00:18:56] Henry: Actually. I can't believe this. Tiger Mama wrestled up a little tiger baby for you.

[00:19:02] Lisa: Yeah, his game is trash. Geeta had a point. I can't believe you disappointed her twice.

[00:19:07] Henry: Yeah. I think this is beyond the scope of any therapist.

[00:19:11] Sanjay: Look, I was a little thrown off guard. Selena was right. I had never approached a date with a brown girl with this new Geeta approved strategy, it was throwin' me off my game. I was tempted to dip. The whole situation was too soon, too radical for my newly minted Tiger Mom 2.0 brain. My first reaction was to run and hide. But I knew I had to see it through for my mom, and I knew I had to see Tom Cruise hanging off the side of that plane.

[00:19:37] Selena: Can we just have fun tonight? I can't remember the last time I felt like a whole person on one of these dates. Let's get baked and have all you can eat sushi at the sushi palace. Hmm.

[00:19:46] Sanjay: I could be so down for that. But my mom really wanted us to see the Tom Cruise movie in action. He single-handedly bailed out the whole film industry.

[00:19:55] Selena: Okay. There you go again with that tiger mom stuff. Oh, okay. Maybe I was wrong about you, Sanjay.

[00:20:01] Sanjay: No, no, no, no. I was kidding. Um. Give, gimme, hit her your pen.

[00:20:09] Sanjay: Okay. Totally lied about my mom putting us up for this movie. I just wanna get super high and watch some explosions, and I hear Miles Teller really holds his own against Tom Cruise.

[00:20:19] Selena: Okay, but you're buying me popcorn.

[00:20:21] Sanjay: I'll buy you so much popcorn.

[00:20:23] Selena: Ah@

[00:20:25] Angela: Jesus Christ, Sanjay, how could you be this oblivious?

[00:20:29] Lisa: It's probably all the layers of Banana Republic clogging up his perception.

[00:20:32] Sanjay: Do you even smoke? Not at all. But sometimes you have to prove you're down in order to reach success, and in this case, to get those maverick seats. It's, I tried to play it cool, but my tolerance is trash and I was feeling real out of it. Before long, an opportunity for success presented itself between the weed and the tiger Mom mind games.

[00:20:53] Sanjay: I wasn't sure if I was able to grab hold.

[00:20:57] Sanjay: That's insane that Top Gun has been showing at this movie theater. I think I'm tripping Balls. The usher I was talking to said the owner has a personal vendetta against Tom Cruise stemming from 1970 when Tom made out with his sister.

[00:21:10] Selena: Yeah, it's a bummer, but I love the notebook.

[00:21:13] Selena: It is so romantic.

[00:21:15] Sanjay: These, these, these throwback movies are so white. Okay. Everyone is so white in every single movie. Are you seeing this?

[00:21:23] Selena: Mm-hmm. It's so insane. Yeah. Ugh. I literally love The Notebook. It always gets me. So, wow, this is the best part. It's so romantic. I love when

[00:21:39] Sanjay: Uh babe. Um, is that a, is that a--

[00:21:42] Selena: Tell me i'm worthless.

[00:21:45] Angela: I hate to say this, but only the most American girl would try to touch your d*** in a movie theater watching the Notebook. Geeta kind of hooked it up.

[00:21:53] Henry: Damn, she's crazy. Also, y'all are broken up, right?

[00:21:57] Kevin: Henry, you can't call a girl crazy these days, but if she asks you to choke her and call her worthless you, you gotta be a feminist in those moments.

[00:22:04] Lisa: Sanjay, I'm like kind of slow clapping for you over here.

[00:22:07] Kevin: I'm hard.

[00:22:08] Sanjay: Oh, god, do I, do I have to, um, can you move your hand a little bit out? I was like, ah. It's like right on my thigh. Oh, it's that. Oh, it's just a little, um, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, f you're getting too close to my, uh,

[00:22:23] Geeta: Beta. Let her do her thing.

[00:22:25] Sanjay: Mom. Is that really you? What was in that pen?

[00:22:29] Geeta: The seat next to you was empty. Plus, how could I pass up The Notebook? These two hotties have such chemistry. You want me to give you some privacy? I don't want to, as your kids say, c*ck block you.

[00:22:41] Selena: Oh, auntie. Um, yeah, that would be great!

[00:22:45] Heckler: Lady. Come on, sit down and shut up.

[00:22:47] Sanjay: Sanjay. I'm so proud of you, my baby boy.

[00:22:50] Heckler: Go back to your country.

[00:22:51] Geeta: Hey, this is my country. You piece of sh**,

[00:22:55] Sanjay: mom. No. Stop. You too, Selena. Not now.

[00:22:59] Geeta: I'm so freaking proud of you. My little baby boy. Love you!

[00:23:05]

[00:23:05] Angela: Okay, so San-jay-jay, that obviously did not happen.

[00:23:10] Kevin: Yeah. What kind of strain makes you trip like that and like, where does one get this?

[00:23:14] Sanjay: No, it happened. It happened. I swear.

[00:23:17] Angela: Your mom announced that she's proud of her son for getting a handy at the cinema.

[00:23:22] Kevin: I don't believe it. Brian, are you okay? Brian?

[00:23:30] Kevin: What's going on?

[00:23:32] Angela: Is he crying?

[00:23:34] Brian: Oh, honestly, it's just nice to hear that your mom is proud of you.

[00:23:38] Henry: Okay. Okay, wait a second. You're telling me your mom set you up on a date? Played the role of your stylist, your matchmaker wing man, and hype man. All because you're a weak game son of a b****. I don't buy it, guys.

[00:23:53] Sanjay: No, it's all true. It's just as hard for me to believe. Okay. Geeta has given me a wake up call. All of a sudden, I feel like I have to catch up in all these areas of my life I was even forbidden to think about. I don't even know how to be chill for a second. I'm a scrubola!

[00:24:08] Brian: Hey, hey, you're not a scrubola. It's probably a huge mind f*** to have your parents tell you the exact opposite of what they've been telling you your whole life.

[00:24:17] Brian: My parents were strict as f***, and they'll jump off a cliff before admitting they give any bad advice. But you know, guilt admission is not exactly an immigrant thing to do. You can't blame yourself.

[00:24:30] Henry: Hold up. You said Regal Cinemas, right? Okay. I'm on the website, the North Jersey Regal Cinema Stadiums 4, 5, and 10 don't play the notebook and haven't played it since it was released in 2008.

[00:24:46] Sanjay: I didn't lie.

[00:24:47] Henry: Mm. Bet. Call Geeta right now. You won't.

[00:24:51] Lisa: Yeah. Actually, I wanna hear this.

[00:24:53] Henry: Ooh, if your mom really is the tiger mom, 2.0 of the f***ing century, then I will pay for this entire Indian feast, which by the way, has been absolutely fire.

[00:25:01] Henry: Thank you. But all the evidencia point-tito in another direction-ito.

[00:25:07] Sanjay: F*** it. What do you want me to say?

[00:25:12] Angela: Um, uh, Henry. Henry, you talked to her.

[00:25:14] Geeta: Hello, Sanjay.

[00:25:16] Sanjay: Hi mom. Uh, my friends have a question for you.

[00:25:19] Henry: Hi, auntie.

[00:25:20] Geeta: Oh, hi Henry. I just saw your mom at Patel brothers. By the way, if you take tumeric with coconut oil and rub it on your groin, that will help you, your jock itch.

[00:25:31] Henry: Yeah. Thanks auntie. Yeah. Look auntie. So, uh, Sanjay claims you're like a tiger mom 2.0

[00:25:38] Geeta: and it's okay if it's herpes, huh? Ah, it's not a big deal. So common doctors...

[00:25:43] Henry: ...yes. So anyway, like I was saying, Sanjay claims you were the most proud of him. The most proud of him you've ever been. Not when he got his black belt in karate. Not when he got into Princeton, not when he got his job in investment banking, but when he got a hand job at the movies.

[00:26:09] Henry: Auntie, auntie, you there? Did she die?

[00:26:13] Lisa: Oh my God. Maybe she's crying.

[00:26:16] Angela: Oh, it's the f***ing call failed. Oh.

[00:26:18] Sanjay: Oh my God. Um, look at the time guys. I gotta go.

[00:26:21] Henry: Wait, I'm not paying for this.

[00:26:25] Lisa: Where did he just go?

[00:26:26] Kevin: He really just dined and dash on us.

[00:26:28] Lisa: Wait, what's that sound?

[00:26:29] Brian: That's the sound. Me just processing what just happened.

[00:26:33] Henry: Wait, guys, is that,

[00:26:34] Angela: I don't know, but I'm guessing you have to pay for this meal because fact or fiction, that was the craziest story I've ever heard.

[00:26:40] Kevin: Wait, wait. Hey, wait, wait. I'm pretty sure he told the truth. Oh, sh**. I, I have to go. Monica wants me to, uh, pick her up from the airport.

[00:26:47] Brian: I have a date to get to and yeah.

[00:26:48] Lisa: My mom's calling. BRB. I gotta ask my mom if she's, I'm proud of me and why she never passed down her vibrator.

[00:26:54] Angela: Yeah, I've gotta hop on duolingo before I lose my streak.

[00:26:57] Henry: Guys. Guys. Wait. What the heck is that? Huh, well, I'll be damned. A Pocket Rocket 2000 Tiger Mom 2.0 is real. Yo. Waiter, check please. Gotta rocket!