1 00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:03,939 Welcome to NewView Advice with Amanda Durocher. 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,519 Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome to New View Advice. My name is Amanda 3 00:00:09,519 --> 00:00:13,200 Durocher. And if you're new here, this is a healing centered advice podcast where I 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,364 offer guidance for the healing journey. I I don't believe I have all the answers 5 00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:19,405 you seek. I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a new 6 00:00:19,405 --> 00:00:22,285 view and a little help along the way. Thank you so much for joining me 7 00:00:22,285 --> 00:00:25,904 for today's episode. Today, I'm answering a question from a listener who asks, 8 00:00:25,965 --> 00:00:29,460 why am I so scared of love? So many of us fear love and 9 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:33,300 simultaneously are looking for love and desire love and search 10 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:37,140 for love while we are terrified of it. And I think this 11 00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:40,500 is such a great question for us to answer today because I think that so 12 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:44,055 many people can relate to this feeling of looking for love and also being 13 00:00:44,055 --> 00:00:47,815 terrified of love. Because as I pondered this question, I really thought to myself, 14 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:51,335 what is more terrifying than love? I think love 15 00:00:51,335 --> 00:00:54,714 triggers our greatest fears and our greatest insecurities 16 00:00:55,094 --> 00:00:58,800 and also our greatest potential and our greatest hope and our 17 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,100 greatest joy. And what's more terrifying than that? 18 00:01:02,239 --> 00:01:05,920 Love is the journey of life. And I think this 19 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,695 is such a relatable question while also being question 20 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:13,295 that we'll all have a different answer to at the end of the day of 21 00:01:13,295 --> 00:01:17,135 why we are truly terrified of love. And my hope with this episode is 22 00:01:17,135 --> 00:01:20,975 to help you to connect deeper to your why. Why are you so afraid of 23 00:01:20,975 --> 00:01:24,250 love? And what can we do to help you to alleviate that fear and to 24 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:28,009 move forward and closer to love rather than continuing to lean away 25 00:01:28,009 --> 00:01:31,770 from that love out of fear? So I'm excited to dive into this question. And 26 00:01:31,770 --> 00:01:34,890 before we do, I always like to mention that if you haven't already, I invite 27 00:01:34,890 --> 00:01:38,345 you to check out my website. I've got poems. I've got a new series called 28 00:01:38,345 --> 00:01:42,105 Reflections where I share stories from my healing journey, journal prompts, meditations, and 29 00:01:42,105 --> 00:01:45,625 more. And the episode show notes for this episode will be at 30 00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:48,985 newviewadvice.com/120, and you can check that out after the 31 00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:52,710 episode. So with that, let's jump on into talking about why are we so scared 32 00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:53,369 of love. 33 00:01:59,030 --> 00:02:02,805 Hi, Amanda. Why am I so scared of love? Why do I 34 00:02:02,805 --> 00:02:06,405 hold myself back from truly giving myself over to it, from just 35 00:02:06,405 --> 00:02:10,084 leaning in and being vulnerable? I met someone recently, and I really 36 00:02:10,084 --> 00:02:13,845 like them. I can see myself loving them if I let myself, but 37 00:02:13,845 --> 00:02:17,620 there's this deep fear that holds me back. I catch myself coming up with 38 00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:20,900 reasons why it won't work out. But if I'm honest with myself, I think it's 39 00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:24,500 just the fear of love itself. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with how 40 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:27,939 terrified I feel of love. I was wondering if you might have any insights into 41 00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,675 why this fear exists or how I can start to let go of it. Thank 42 00:02:30,675 --> 00:02:33,875 you for everything you do. Your podcast has been so helpful for me, and I 43 00:02:33,875 --> 00:02:37,635 really appreciate everything you do and all that you share. Keep up the amazing 44 00:02:37,635 --> 00:02:41,315 work. Thank you so much for asking this question and for your kind 45 00:02:41,315 --> 00:02:44,750 words about the podcast. I am so grateful that you found it helpful along your 46 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:48,590 own journey. It truly warms my heart every time somebody shares with me how 47 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:52,030 the podcast has impacted them. So thank you so much. And now I wanna talk 48 00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:55,230 about why are you so afraid of love? Why are we all so afraid of 49 00:02:55,230 --> 00:02:58,910 love? So I'm going to be using we throughout this question because I 50 00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:02,644 also fear love. I think love is the most beautiful 51 00:03:02,644 --> 00:03:06,405 thing in the world, and I also think love is absolutely terrifying. I 52 00:03:06,405 --> 00:03:10,165 don't think you're wrong with calling out yourself on fearing 53 00:03:10,165 --> 00:03:13,860 love. I think that it's actually super honest, and I think a lot of people 54 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,700 would deny the fact that they fear love. But we can always love 55 00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:21,300 ourselves, each other, and life more. We can always 56 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,600 feel deeper love and deeper intimacy and deeper vulnerability, 57 00:03:25,225 --> 00:03:28,825 and that's terrifying. Because every time we hit our edge of 58 00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:32,585 vulnerability or the edge of how far we've allowed ourself to fall 59 00:03:32,585 --> 00:03:36,025 in love, we can always fall deeper. I talk to Evan about it all the 60 00:03:36,025 --> 00:03:39,400 time that we've been together almost 14 years, and I'm 61 00:03:39,459 --> 00:03:43,220 shocked that every year, I love him more. Every year, I 62 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:47,060 fall deeper in love with him. And that's for 63 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,440 many reasons, mostly because I fall deeper in love with myself, 64 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:54,555 and that allows me to fall deeper in love with somebody else. But it's 65 00:03:54,555 --> 00:03:58,155 terrifying. And I see each year the different 66 00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:01,834 blocks I hit and where I'm still blocking myself from receiving and from 67 00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:05,135 giving love. And I think that's because, as I mentioned in the intro, 68 00:04:05,570 --> 00:04:09,330 love so often triggers our deepest insecurities. Am I 69 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:13,010 good enough for this person? Am I worthy enough? Am I 70 00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:16,610 truly worthy of this much love? Am I truly worthy of this 71 00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:20,175 much happiness? Do I deserve this? Am I 72 00:04:20,175 --> 00:04:23,615 lovable? What if I love this person more than they love 73 00:04:23,615 --> 00:04:27,135 me? What would that mean? Those are some of our 74 00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:30,575 deepest fears. They're actually fears that we spend our whole 75 00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:34,260 life running from. And when we fall in love with someone and 76 00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:38,100 we meet somebody who we want to go to those 77 00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:41,240 deep places with, it's absolutely terrifying 78 00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:45,400 because so often we've built up walls and defense mechanisms 79 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:49,115 to keep us from hitting against those fears. And so I think it's 80 00:04:49,115 --> 00:04:52,795 very common to fear love and to fear deep, true love and 81 00:04:52,795 --> 00:04:56,555 allowing ourselves to fully let go. Because what's more vulnerable than allowing 82 00:04:56,555 --> 00:05:00,155 yourself to truly fall in love? Because when we truly allow ourselves to fall in 83 00:05:00,155 --> 00:05:03,990 love, we show somebody who we truly are. And so many 84 00:05:03,990 --> 00:05:07,550 of us run around the world with a persona. Right? We let somebody 85 00:05:07,550 --> 00:05:11,390 see a version of us. And many of us have different personas. Right? You go 86 00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:14,690 to work, you might be one version. You're at home, you might be one version. 87 00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:18,450 You go home to your immediate family, like your family from childhood, 88 00:05:18,865 --> 00:05:22,465 and you might be a different version of yourself. When you're with your childhood friends, 89 00:05:22,465 --> 00:05:25,525 you might be one version. When you're with your new friends, you might be another. 90 00:05:25,664 --> 00:05:29,504 Some people are themselves everywhere they go, but many times, we at least change 91 00:05:29,504 --> 00:05:33,220 a little bit here or there. We don't show up fully as ourselves 92 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,479 everywhere we go, and I actually think that's a good practice. I know for me, 93 00:05:36,479 --> 00:05:40,160 I don't show up as this version of myself. I give advice for a 94 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,695 living, and I don't believe in unsolicited advice. So I don't walk 95 00:05:43,695 --> 00:05:47,455 around giving unsolicited advice. I answer questions. I answer questions 96 00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:51,055 that people ask me. And I only share that because in most 97 00:05:51,055 --> 00:05:54,655 situations, we show up as a version of ourselves, and that's not right or 98 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:58,250 wrong. But when we look for and search for a romantic partner, 99 00:05:58,389 --> 00:06:02,169 we're looking for someone who we can be everything with. 100 00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:05,909 The beautiful, the sexy, the funny, and also the 101 00:06:05,909 --> 00:06:09,415 ugly, the messy, and the scared. When we fall in 102 00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:13,095 love, we want to know somebody's gonna be there for us when we 103 00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:16,695 aren't our best self, and that's terrifying. It's terrifying to 104 00:06:16,695 --> 00:06:20,215 show somebody your vulnerability because it's so 105 00:06:20,215 --> 00:06:23,675 vulnerable to romantically be into somebody. 106 00:06:24,479 --> 00:06:28,240 It's different than other loves. It's different than familial love. 107 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:32,080 It's different than friend love. Romantic love is different. It has 108 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,860 a different heartbeat is how I feel. It's intimate in a different 109 00:06:35,919 --> 00:06:39,384 way. I'm having trouble even right now articulating it. I'm 110 00:06:39,384 --> 00:06:42,764 thinking about it in my head, and it's just that 111 00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:46,664 romantic love, like, opens us like a rose, and 112 00:06:46,664 --> 00:06:50,345 it's an incredibly beautiful thing. It's why so many people 113 00:06:50,345 --> 00:06:53,409 search for it. I wanna say everybody searches for it, but I know there are 114 00:06:53,409 --> 00:06:57,110 people not looking for relationships, not into it. I know people are asexual. 115 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,770 I understand that. But most of us do desire that 116 00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:04,370 romantic connection. And Evan and I actually talk about it, like, all the 117 00:07:04,370 --> 00:07:08,104 time, this fascination I have with the fact that most people 118 00:07:08,104 --> 00:07:11,945 do desire somebody to spend their life with. They desire 119 00:07:11,945 --> 00:07:15,705 that person to have romance with. And true romantic 120 00:07:15,705 --> 00:07:19,470 partnerships aren't just romance. It's being with somebody through thick and thin 121 00:07:19,630 --> 00:07:23,070 and committing to somebody through the good, bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the 122 00:07:23,070 --> 00:07:26,830 messy with life. And to me, that's true love is being with 123 00:07:26,830 --> 00:07:30,270 somebody through it all. It's seeing somebody and allowing somebody to be their true 124 00:07:30,270 --> 00:07:34,005 selves and allowing you to be your true self, And that is incredibly 125 00:07:34,005 --> 00:07:37,305 terrifying, especially new love. When you just meet somebody, 126 00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:41,205 it's like being on rocky territory. You don't know where this person 127 00:07:41,205 --> 00:07:44,965 stands until you put yourself out there. And to your question of why are 128 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,349 you so afraid to fall in love, there could be a million reasons. As I 129 00:07:48,349 --> 00:07:52,110 mentioned at the beginning, it triggers our greatest fears. Maybe one of those 130 00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:54,870 fears is triggered right now. Maybe you don't feel good enough for this person. Maybe 131 00:07:54,870 --> 00:07:58,669 you don't feel like you deserve this. Maybe you don't feel worthy of this. But 132 00:07:58,669 --> 00:08:02,135 love also triggers our greatest potential, our 133 00:08:02,135 --> 00:08:05,975 greatest hope, our greatest dreams. Love is what 134 00:08:05,975 --> 00:08:09,815 we desire most. It's what we're made to do with one another. We're made to 135 00:08:09,815 --> 00:08:13,575 love each other. Humans have gotten so far away from our true 136 00:08:13,575 --> 00:08:17,120 purpose, which is, I believe, to love one another. I know that sounds 137 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,960 super hippie, but, truly, what's the purpose of living if we don't love 138 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,400 one another? You don't have to like everybody, but the truth is that's what we're 139 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,020 here to do. We're here to find communities that we can love, we can nourish, 140 00:08:28,294 --> 00:08:32,054 we can nurture, we can grow in. And love is 141 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:35,815 so beautiful because when you find someone or a group, 142 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:39,575 a community, a family, a person, you don't have to 143 00:08:39,575 --> 00:08:43,095 go at it alone anymore. And that to me opens up 144 00:08:43,095 --> 00:08:46,730 potential, and it softens us. I think so many of 145 00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:50,170 us, because so many of us have been through such horrible things, have 146 00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:53,950 hardened to the world. I know that's me. I'm always telling myself, 147 00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:57,610 Amanda, you can soften here. And I say that because your fear of 148 00:08:57,610 --> 00:09:01,385 love to me sounds like a hard wall you're hitting. And you have 149 00:09:01,385 --> 00:09:04,985 to decide if you're gonna break down that wall and jump off the 150 00:09:04,985 --> 00:09:08,825 ledge and see where you fall. Do you fall flat on your 151 00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:12,360 face, or do you fall into the arms of another person? Do you 152 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,500 fly, or do you fall a little bit and stumble? 153 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,200 And the truth is with love is you don't really know until 154 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,880 you do it. There have been relationships in my life where I 155 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,645 have tried to run from them. I have tried not to lean in. And 156 00:09:27,645 --> 00:09:31,085 what I love about matters of the heart is that there's something a little 157 00:09:31,085 --> 00:09:34,845 illogical about them. We can dissect it and understand that 158 00:09:34,845 --> 00:09:38,385 sometimes we pair up with people based off childhood patterns, childhood wounds, 159 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,939 but sometimes it's just fully illogical why we love 160 00:09:41,939 --> 00:09:45,079 somebody. And I love that. 161 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:49,379 I love that our heart is like that person. And our mind can 162 00:09:49,379 --> 00:09:52,899 be like, why? Like, tell me why. And the heart's just 163 00:09:52,899 --> 00:09:56,615 like, that person. And the mind's like, this isn't gonna work 164 00:09:56,615 --> 00:10:00,455 and comes out with a 1000000 reasons. And the heart still pulls and tugs and 165 00:10:00,455 --> 00:10:03,895 says, that person. Because that's the 166 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:07,595 invitation to growth, that's the invitation to love, and that's the invitation 167 00:10:07,735 --> 00:10:11,460 into the unknown. I'm thinking of that Frozen song right now. 168 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,360 Into the unknown. And 169 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,200 that's love. And that's why we're so afraid of it because on the other side 170 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,779 of this fear you have is the unknown. 171 00:10:22,925 --> 00:10:26,444 You're like, oh, I could love this person. That's 172 00:10:26,444 --> 00:10:30,204 terrifying because it's unknown territory for you. You're 173 00:10:30,204 --> 00:10:33,884 like, ah, what does that mean? Who am I gonna be 174 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:37,649 if I allow myself to fall? Because that's the other thing about love. Love 175 00:10:37,649 --> 00:10:41,089 changes us. Love breaks us down and then 176 00:10:41,089 --> 00:10:44,769 rebuilds us into this better version of ourselves. I'm even viewing it as a 177 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,889 sexy version of ourselves, and not even, like, in the sex way, but just as 178 00:10:47,889 --> 00:10:51,595 in this more confident version of ourselves. Because when we're in 179 00:10:51,595 --> 00:10:55,435 love with someone, we're really in love with ourselves. Because 180 00:10:55,435 --> 00:10:58,875 when we allow ourselves to love somebody else, we have allowed 181 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:02,394 ourselves to love ourselves, is what I truly believe. Because I believe you 182 00:11:02,394 --> 00:11:05,910 cannot love somebody more than you love yourself. And so the invitation 183 00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:09,830 to love someone else is the invitation to love yourself deeper. 184 00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:14,050 And that is, in my opinion, what life is all about, you 185 00:11:14,050 --> 00:11:17,730 learning to love you. You are with you every second of your 186 00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:21,115 life. It is important that you learn to love yourself now. 187 00:11:21,415 --> 00:11:24,615 That has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but it has been the 188 00:11:24,615 --> 00:11:27,675 best lesson. It's really been the only lesson that's been important. 189 00:11:28,135 --> 00:11:31,815 Money comes and goes. Friends come and go. Family can even come and 190 00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:35,490 go. Jobs come and go. Status comes and goes. 191 00:11:35,550 --> 00:11:39,390 Power comes and goes. You are with you forever, from 192 00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:42,930 the second you're born to the second you die. It's a much more enjoyable 193 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,605 journey if you learn to love yourself. And so 194 00:11:46,745 --> 00:11:50,585 I think sometimes we hold ourselves back from falling in love out 195 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:54,185 of fear of not being enough and those fears I mentioned, but 196 00:11:54,185 --> 00:11:57,865 also out of the fear of, is it too good to be 197 00:11:57,865 --> 00:12:01,690 true? People who have been traumatized, especially, we 198 00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:05,450 live with fears of things being too good. We always 199 00:12:05,450 --> 00:12:09,130 stay on alert. We're always like, when's the next shoe gonna 200 00:12:09,130 --> 00:12:12,970 drop? When is this thing gonna blow up in my face? Because that's what the 201 00:12:12,970 --> 00:12:16,805 past has shown me. And it's important to see 202 00:12:16,805 --> 00:12:20,005 that in yourself if that's you. As I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, 203 00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:23,365 the answer to why you fear love is gonna be different for everybody, and it's 204 00:12:23,365 --> 00:12:26,965 changed for me throughout my life. There were a million reasons why I fear love, 205 00:12:26,965 --> 00:12:30,600 and I still can fear love. I have some new people in my life 206 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,360 who I adore, like some new friendships, and I find myself being 207 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,660 terrified of messing them up. It's triggering my deepest 208 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,365 insecurities that I'm not good enough for these people, and it's also 209 00:12:41,365 --> 00:12:45,145 triggering my deepest desires of these 210 00:12:45,205 --> 00:12:48,265 relationships feel like family, and that's what I desire, 211 00:12:48,725 --> 00:12:52,325 family. And that terrifies me because what if I 212 00:12:52,325 --> 00:12:56,020 then lose that family? And my pastor showed me what it's like to lose 213 00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:59,620 family members. I've lost family members in death situations. I've 214 00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:03,380 also just become estranged with family members and no longer speak to 215 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:07,000 them. And all those experiences have been so incredibly painful. 216 00:13:07,215 --> 00:13:11,055 So have friend breakups. When people leave my life, it's the most painful 217 00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:14,175 thing. I was thinking about it today when I was pondering this question that I 218 00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:17,715 broke my wrist in the spring, and it was probably one of the most painful 219 00:13:17,855 --> 00:13:21,535 physical injuries I've been through because I just haven't been injured physically very 220 00:13:21,535 --> 00:13:25,280 much. But, god, matters of the heart hurt so much more. I 221 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,880 hate to compare, but I'm, like, breaking my wrist. I knew that would get 222 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,320 better. I put it in a brace. I took care of it. That, I had 223 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,865 steps for. When it comes to the heart, it's like the 224 00:13:35,865 --> 00:13:39,065 wild, wild west. I have to go on this long journey that only I know 225 00:13:39,065 --> 00:13:41,945 the road to, but I don't know it until I know it, if you know 226 00:13:41,945 --> 00:13:45,645 what I'm saying. Like, you gotta go through it to learn the steps. 227 00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:49,699 Oh, my gosh. So terrifying. So painful. But 228 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:53,779 with that, I truly believe that that which terrifies 229 00:13:53,839 --> 00:13:57,439 us the most teaches us the most. We grow the 230 00:13:57,439 --> 00:14:01,120 most through our deepest fears. And so your fear of love and leaning 231 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,695 into this relationship that you mentioned, leaning into this person you mentioned, 232 00:14:05,575 --> 00:14:09,255 oh, I see such good potential for you. I see growth for you. 233 00:14:09,255 --> 00:14:13,015 I see you loving yourself more at the end of this, and I really, 234 00:14:13,015 --> 00:14:16,615 really hope it works out. I hope this person likes you as much as you 235 00:14:16,615 --> 00:14:20,300 like them, and I hope it's a storybook ending because we could use some 236 00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:23,900 more of those. I really believe that. But the truth is we don't know where 237 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:27,340 relationships will go. We don't know if somebody's in our life for a reason, a 238 00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:31,020 season, or a lifetime. And that is something my therapist tells me all the time, 239 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:34,545 so I'm not taking credit for that saying. But I find it really helpful because 240 00:14:34,545 --> 00:14:37,345 the truth is people can be in our life for a season, a reason, or 241 00:14:37,345 --> 00:14:40,485 a lifetime, and all of those people are still important. 242 00:14:41,185 --> 00:14:44,705 We don't have to judge it based off of, is this person gonna be here 243 00:14:44,705 --> 00:14:48,199 forever? Is this gonna work out forever? When we go to that 244 00:14:48,199 --> 00:14:52,040 mindset, that is the the mind creating a fear because the mind 245 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:55,819 is already fearing the person leaving and fearing the relationship ending. 246 00:14:55,959 --> 00:14:59,800 So it's trying to predict the end before the beginning to keep you from 247 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,335 pain. But as you've noticed while writing this question is, thank you, 248 00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:07,175 mind, for doing that, but it actually creates pain doing that because you're in 249 00:15:07,175 --> 00:15:11,015 this thought cycle that is not enjoyable. You're not enjoying yourself as you're 250 00:15:11,015 --> 00:15:14,775 in that. So I invite you to say, thank you, mind, for showing 251 00:15:14,775 --> 00:15:18,370 me all the ways this could go wrong. I think it could go right, 252 00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:22,130 though. Because as I said, the heart points us towards what we want. 253 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,730 It's so often illogical. That's why I talk about following your heart 254 00:15:25,730 --> 00:15:29,190 because I find it to be the most fascinating journey because it's illogical. 255 00:15:29,865 --> 00:15:33,545 Every desire I've ever had doesn't make sense on 256 00:15:33,545 --> 00:15:36,985 paper, but it's always led me to my greatest potential, my 257 00:15:36,985 --> 00:15:40,825 greatest healing, my greatest growth, and the greatest love. It's 258 00:15:40,825 --> 00:15:44,279 amazing. It's incredible. It's illogical. And that's 259 00:15:44,279 --> 00:15:48,040 why I wanna tell you that your fear here, it sounds like you're 260 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:51,800 trying to logically figure it out. And the truth is, you may 261 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,560 finish this episode and not really still understand why you fear 262 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,285 love. But if you still feel that way, I invite you to at least tell 263 00:15:59,285 --> 00:16:02,965 yourself that the fear is normal. There's nothing wrong with you. It's 264 00:16:02,965 --> 00:16:06,565 actually quite normal to fear love. And also that maybe you'll 265 00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:09,925 only know the answers to these questions by taking the next step 266 00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:13,730 forward. Because I find with so many of these fears we have, they're 267 00:16:13,730 --> 00:16:16,710 keeping us stuck in a thought pattern of fear, 268 00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:20,850 and for you to stop fearing love, you're gonna have to let love 269 00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:24,070 in. Gary, I know. I know. 270 00:16:24,945 --> 00:16:28,385 And it sounds like you're ready. From your question, it sounds like you are ready 271 00:16:28,385 --> 00:16:31,745 and like you've met somebody. Sometimes when those fears come up, we can 272 00:16:31,745 --> 00:16:35,505 become immobilized in terror and the freeze response and fear, 273 00:16:35,505 --> 00:16:38,625 because you have mentioned terror. And sometimes when that happens, we have to spend a 274 00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:42,130 little time with ourselves first. I wanna mention that for anybody here who's listening to 275 00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:45,970 this, is that sometimes when we get terrified, we do need 276 00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:49,670 to just spend some time with ourself first creating inner safety. 277 00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:53,845 Because for so many of us, especially people listening to this podcast, you may 278 00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:57,525 fear love because of childhood wounding and childhood 279 00:16:57,525 --> 00:17:00,905 trauma. Many of us grew up in households that did not have 280 00:17:01,045 --> 00:17:04,825 unconditional love. And when you don't grow up with unconditional love, 281 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:08,920 you don't know what unconditional love feels like. So you have to learn how 282 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,520 to feel it for yourself. And then to let somebody else in after 283 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,360 being so wounded is incredibly terrifying. And I 284 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:20,040 found throughout my journey, by not growing up with unconditional love, my 285 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,875 brain didn't understand what unconditional love was. As a child, 286 00:17:23,875 --> 00:17:27,714 I just assumed what I experienced was unconditional love, but it was not because 287 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:31,174 love is not conditioned. There are no conditions to love. 288 00:17:31,715 --> 00:17:35,315 Love is love. Love is undefinable. But 289 00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:39,000 love would teach us that we're always enough. Love teaches us that we're always 290 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,840 worthy. Love teaches us that we make mistakes, but that's part of being 291 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,680 human. There's nothing wrong with you if you make mistakes. Love teaches us 292 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,520 that failure moves us forward, not that failure means anything wrong 293 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,335 about us. But many of us grew up with messages from childhood 294 00:17:54,795 --> 00:17:58,635 that taught us otherwise, that we had to earn love, that 295 00:17:58,635 --> 00:18:02,475 we had to do things to gain that love, that there was reasons and 296 00:18:02,475 --> 00:18:06,255 ways that love could be taken away, that love could be unpredictable. 297 00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:10,290 True love is actually the safest place you can be, and that's why we have 298 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:13,970 to learn to love ourselves first so we can create that inner safety. But 299 00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:17,810 I mention all that because my biggest piece of advice to you 300 00:18:17,810 --> 00:18:21,510 is to go for it. Fall in love. Just allow yourself to fall. 301 00:18:21,605 --> 00:18:25,365 But if you struggle with that, I invite you to really be maybe 302 00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:29,205 with some of those childhood wounds. And if anybody has any questions about that part, 303 00:18:29,205 --> 00:18:32,725 write in a question, and we can keep this conversation going. And to 304 00:18:32,725 --> 00:18:36,500 anybody out there who had childhood trauma, who did not 305 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:40,100 feel they had unconditional love growing up, who felt a lack of love within their 306 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:43,539 life, I want you to know that, one, I am so 307 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:47,240 sorry. I think child abuse and cruelty to children 308 00:18:47,299 --> 00:18:51,000 and neglect of children is an epidemic on this planet. 309 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:54,105 I don't think we talk about it enough. I think a lot of problems would 310 00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:57,945 be solved if we were kinder to children, if we took better care 311 00:18:57,945 --> 00:19:01,645 of children, and if adults learned how to love themselves 312 00:19:01,865 --> 00:19:05,500 so that they could love children. But we're not quite there yet, and that's 313 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:09,340 okay. That's why I do this podcast. I really believe that we're healing 314 00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:12,700 our inner children every time we show up to this podcast. What I mean by 315 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:16,300 that is though you may have not had that love then, you deserve that love 316 00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:20,115 now, and you can be the parent you always deserved. And 317 00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:23,875 so when I get overwhelmed by fear, terror, and 318 00:19:23,875 --> 00:19:27,715 all the heart emotions, I show up as the parent I needed and the 319 00:19:27,715 --> 00:19:31,395 parent I still need. And I sit myself down, and I sit with the 320 00:19:31,395 --> 00:19:35,200 painful feeling, and I sit with the fear, and I talk myself through it. I 321 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,040 reassure myself that it's just fear. And that's 322 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,180 what it is because when you fear love, it's just fear. 323 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:46,560 Because you do deserve love. You can have that love anytime you want 324 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,794 by giving it to yourself. The more you give it to yourself, the more you 325 00:19:49,794 --> 00:19:53,015 will step out and look for that love and be less afraid 326 00:19:53,394 --> 00:19:57,015 because you'll know that if somebody doesn't match your level of love, 327 00:19:57,075 --> 00:20:00,674 doesn't love you the same way you love them, yes, it will still be 328 00:20:00,674 --> 00:20:04,520 painful, because it always is, when we feel rejected or 329 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,040 abandoned or not loved to the same level. It is always 330 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,500 painful. Matters of the heart are painful. It's why we avoid so many of them. 331 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,205 But it will be easier because you will love you, and you will know 332 00:20:15,205 --> 00:20:18,965 that even though that person doesn't love you the same, it doesn't 333 00:20:18,965 --> 00:20:22,565 mean anything about you. It doesn't mean you're not lovable. It 334 00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:26,245 doesn't mean you don't deserve love. It doesn't mean you won't find your 335 00:20:26,245 --> 00:20:29,850 person. It just means your heart led you into a situation 336 00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:33,830 that has a lesson for you. That's what I truly believe. The older I get, 337 00:20:33,830 --> 00:20:37,590 every situation can teach me something, if I allow it to. The fun 338 00:20:37,590 --> 00:20:41,115 ones, the joyful ones, and the painful ones. It's always just 339 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:44,955 leading us into growing deeper into who we are. And there's 340 00:20:44,955 --> 00:20:48,795 nothing wrong with that. So why does this fear exist for you? 341 00:20:48,795 --> 00:20:52,635 I hope you might have some insight after all my ponderings on 342 00:20:52,635 --> 00:20:56,000 love that I have shared. But it's going to be individual for every 343 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,440 person. Why do you fear love so much? And as I record this 344 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,960 episode, I find myself wondering what is my deepest fear when it comes to 345 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,640 love? And as I think about it, I would say mine would 346 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,345 do with betrayal and that the people who truly can 347 00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:13,945 betray us are the people we trust. And the more I 348 00:21:13,945 --> 00:21:17,785 allow myself to love people in my life, the more I fear they 349 00:21:17,785 --> 00:21:21,305 will betray me because betrayal has been one of the most painful 350 00:21:21,305 --> 00:21:25,120 experiences of my personal life. And it's really 351 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,880 only those we allow in that we allow to be 352 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:32,640 able to stab us in the heart. As I mentioned earlier, we build 353 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,365 up walls to the world and defenses so that we can't get hurt. So we 354 00:21:36,365 --> 00:21:40,125 don't walk around in every room being the most loving being in the whole world 355 00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:43,885 and showing everybody our true selves. We don't do that and there's nothing wrong with 356 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:47,645 that. You know? Different people get different layers of us. And when we 357 00:21:47,645 --> 00:21:51,325 allow somebody truly in to see who we truly are and we lay ourselves 358 00:21:51,325 --> 00:21:55,070 bare, and I feel like naked, honestly, in a romantic partnership, you will end 359 00:21:55,070 --> 00:21:58,910 up naked, it's more terrifying. There's more cards on the table, 360 00:21:58,910 --> 00:22:02,610 and that's where our hearts can truly get hurt. Because 361 00:22:02,670 --> 00:22:06,345 when we allow ourselves to truly fall in love, we take all those guards down, 362 00:22:06,424 --> 00:22:09,784 we lay there vulnerable and naked, and we say, this is 363 00:22:09,784 --> 00:22:13,485 me. Do you love me as I am? And, 364 00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:17,385 yeah, that is terrifying. I do find that 365 00:22:17,385 --> 00:22:20,365 terrifying. I'm thinking about it in my own life right now, and I'm like, dang. 366 00:22:20,825 --> 00:22:24,530 That's scary. But what I've also found throughout 367 00:22:24,530 --> 00:22:28,370 my life is that that deep connection, that deep intimacy, and that deep love is 368 00:22:28,370 --> 00:22:31,970 what we're all craving. And it's only by allowing ourselves to open 369 00:22:31,970 --> 00:22:35,730 up to others that we feel that love and that connection, and we really feel 370 00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:39,174 what it's truly like to be alive. Because I find that I truly feel 371 00:22:39,174 --> 00:22:43,015 alive when I connect with others. It's always gonna be scary to 372 00:22:43,015 --> 00:22:46,615 fall in love. It's always gonna be scary to put yourself out there, 373 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:50,455 vulnerably. But that's where trust is built. That's where love is built. 374 00:22:50,455 --> 00:22:54,190 That's where true intimacy is built is all through allowing yourself 375 00:22:54,190 --> 00:22:58,030 to let go and to let go of fear and to allow love 376 00:22:58,030 --> 00:23:01,810 in. So how do we move forward from here? How do we do that? 377 00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:05,390 One step at a time. I wish I had a better answer for you, but 378 00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:09,105 truly be kind to yourself. Reassure yourself that what you 379 00:23:09,105 --> 00:23:12,945 are doing is courageous and brave because it is. To allow ourselves to 380 00:23:12,945 --> 00:23:16,785 love one another and to allow love in is a courageous act. I think the 381 00:23:16,785 --> 00:23:20,085 world would be a better place if more people lived in a place of love 382 00:23:20,380 --> 00:23:23,740 rather than a place of fear. But I think a lot of people have been 383 00:23:23,740 --> 00:23:27,419 abused, have been traumatized, have been hurt, and they build up walls, and they don't 384 00:23:27,419 --> 00:23:30,799 wanna let love in again because as you have stated, it is terrifying 385 00:23:30,860 --> 00:23:34,695 sometimes to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And the human mind, the human 386 00:23:34,695 --> 00:23:38,295 psyche, the human body does not wanna be in pain. So it builds up all 387 00:23:38,295 --> 00:23:41,975 these defense mechanisms to not be in pain. And I think that when 388 00:23:41,975 --> 00:23:45,735 we recognize that, we're able to, 1, start to take down 389 00:23:45,735 --> 00:23:49,260 those defenses. We're able to see why. We're able to bring conscious 390 00:23:49,260 --> 00:23:52,940 awareness to why we are the way we are, which is then how we can 391 00:23:52,940 --> 00:23:56,780 begin to unravel those defenses and reassure ourselves that we are safe. 392 00:23:56,780 --> 00:24:00,059 We're not being abused in this moment. We're not being traumatized in this moment. We 393 00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:03,455 are able to make new choices by being aware, but also 394 00:24:03,755 --> 00:24:07,435 through being kind to ourselves and taking one step at a time, allowing 395 00:24:07,435 --> 00:24:11,115 yourself to show who you are to this person one step at a time and 396 00:24:11,115 --> 00:24:14,395 allowing yourself to lean in. And that's what I truly invite all of you to 397 00:24:14,395 --> 00:24:17,500 do today, and I'm gonna do that today. I'm gonna lean in a little bit 398 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,860 more. I'm gonna allow a little bit more love into my life. I think we 399 00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:24,140 can always continue to allow more love into our life. So that's the last thing 400 00:24:24,140 --> 00:24:27,900 I'll leave you with is that we can always love ourselves deeper. We can always 401 00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:31,695 love others deeper. We can always just love deeper. So be kind to 402 00:24:31,695 --> 00:24:35,215 yourself. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to jump in and propose to this 403 00:24:35,215 --> 00:24:38,735 person. Right? It's just one layer at a time, just showing this person a little 404 00:24:38,735 --> 00:24:42,255 bit more of a vulnerable you. That's how trust is built. We don't have to 405 00:24:42,255 --> 00:24:45,615 give somebody all of us at one time. Trust is built through small 406 00:24:45,615 --> 00:24:49,170 actions over time. So if you find yourself being terrified, take it 407 00:24:49,170 --> 00:24:52,470 slow. There is no rush, but do move forward. 408 00:24:52,930 --> 00:24:56,710 Do have those vulnerable conversations. Do allow yourself to 409 00:24:56,850 --> 00:25:00,370 lean into love. And when you feel that fear coming up and that terror coming 410 00:25:00,370 --> 00:25:04,144 up, be kind to yourself, comfort yourself, and maybe ask this person 411 00:25:04,144 --> 00:25:07,105 to be there for you through some of those times. Maybe open up to them 412 00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:10,544 that you're terrified. That's how intimacy is built. Saying, hey. I'm not 413 00:25:10,544 --> 00:25:14,360 perfect. I'm actually terrified. I'm terrified of you. Isn't 414 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:18,040 that crazy? I think that the person may be surprised to hear 415 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,800 that. I think so many of us put on a tough exterior, and 416 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,480 it's really helpful when people are honest and transparent with one 417 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,245 another about how nobody's perfect. So don't think you have to be 418 00:25:29,245 --> 00:25:32,865 perfect. Don't think you have to have the answers to all your questions. Just 419 00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:36,525 lean into love. I hope something in this answer was helpful. It ended up just 420 00:25:36,525 --> 00:25:39,965 being more of a conversation about love. So I hope something in this answer was 421 00:25:39,965 --> 00:25:42,720 helpful for you. I know it was a helpful episode for me, so thank you 422 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,620 so much for asking this question. I am sending you so much love. 423 00:25:51,279 --> 00:25:54,595 Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of newbie advice. As always, 424 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:57,955 I'm so grateful to have these conversations each week. If you have a question you'd 425 00:25:57,955 --> 00:26:00,835 like to hear answered on the podcast, I'd love to invite you to submit a 426 00:26:00,835 --> 00:26:04,514 question at newbie advice.com/question, or you can send me an email 427 00:26:04,514 --> 00:26:08,289 at contact at newbie advice.com. Thank you again for joining me for another episode 428 00:26:08,289 --> 00:26:11,009 of newview advice. As always, I hope I was able to offer you a new 429 00:26:11,009 --> 00:26:13,889 view on whatever you may be going through. Sending you all my love. See you 430 00:26:13,889 --> 00:26:14,629 next time.