Why is it that love, something meant to feel so good, is often the thing that hurts us most? Whether you're in a relationship that feels like it's constantly on edge or you're still carrying the emotional weight of a toxic relationship from your past, you're not alone. Most people are repeating trauma loops, mistaking friction for failure, or blaming their partner when it's actually an echo from within. And in this episode, I'm going to show you what's really going on beneath the arguments, the distance and the confusion, and why men and women are reacting from ancient emotional codes passed down through generations, and how your relationship might actually be the portal to your healing if you learn how to stop throwing the hot potato and start setting it down. And this isn't about fixing your partner. It's about freeing yourself. And when you do that, your love life, your past, and your future relationships will never be the same again. Welcome to a Changed Mind. A journey into the topics that matter to you most. From the neuroscience and spirituality of mindset and personal growth, to groundbreaking strategies for health, wealth and relationships, to open and honest conversations about pressing global issues such as the environment, censorship, corporate capture, and democracy. Each and every episode reminds us of the certainty of the goodness of the future and provides the teachings, tools, and timeless wisdom inspiring you to create real, lasting change in your life and in the world. If you've been desiring A sanctuary for your spirit. A place to go to tune out the distraction, negativity and doom and gloom spirit so that you can tap into the deep power, the vibrancy, and the potential you have inside. You're in the right place. Welcome to a Changed Mind. Hey, it's David. Welcome to a Changed Mind. A sanctuary for your spirit. A place where each and every episode I remind you of the certainty of the goodness of the future. I am your friend, your host, your guide, David Bayer. Why do relationships feel so hard? You know, I absolutely love my wife. I've been with Carol for 13 years now. We got married back in 2019, and one of the challenging things in our relationship was the consistent arguing. Arguing about really meaningless things. She would comment that I'm not putting things in the right place or doing things the right way, or that I'm not helping out enough. I would get upset because she's always upset or angry. I'd feel like she was always criticizing me and frankly, doing the same things that she's accusing me of. Why, when you love someone so much, is there so much friction? In fact, if you look at the numbers, it's really alarming. 50% of first marriages in the US end in divorce. 60% of second marriages end in divorce. 70% of third marriages end in divorce. So everywhere we go, there we are. It doesn't matter how many repeats or reruns you get, we seem to produce the same outcome. What's also interesting is that 70% of divorces are filed by women. That's two and a half times the rate filed by men. What ends up happening in a relationship over time is there's a relationship momentum that builds up. It's really like a neurological momentum, a habit of reacting to each other in the same toxic and negative way that starts to build up steam. We blame each other. It's the other's fault. The other needs to change. And so in this episode, I want to unpack what's really happening, because I believe that if you're in a relationship that has two things, shared values and shared vision, it doesn't have to be identical, but you and your partner basically value the same things, and you have a similar vision of how your lives will come together. Every relationship can work out. And so if that's the case for you, right now, you're in the right relationship. And what's actually happening is what I would call a soul contract. So when you come into this life, when you incarnate, there are certain things that you've learned in past lives that have motivated you to want to become something very specific in this one. And in order to become that specific thing, the expansion of who you've been in the past to become something and someone more, you're actually dropped into an environment where you experience the opposite of the thing that you want to become. You might say, well, that doesn't make any sense. Why would I drop be dropped into an environment that. Where I don't trust people, or where my trust is betrayed, or where I grew up in financial scarcity or insecurity, or where I'm taught that I don't matter or I'm not good enough. And the answer is, because it's by being dropped into this environment that we begin the resistance training. We're dropped into the shadow side of who we're meant to become. And it's by working through the shadow that we actually become the expression of the light side or the expanded side or the higher vibrational side of the thing. So many of us spend many, many years, and sometimes our entire lives blaming our parents, for example, for what they did to us. But we actually asked, no matter how abusive it may seem to be, Exposed to that type of environment so that we could be pre programmed with the seeds of our greatness, with the seeds of our full expression. And so the seed itself is the trauma, is the abuse, are the limiting beliefs or the programs. And it gets to a point in our life where as a result of our desire to become something more and our boredom, frustration or fatigue of experience the opposite of it, that we begin the journey of personal or spiritual growth and we learn the tools to actually transform, to transform the dark into the light. Now our relationships are the maximum expression of that, of the frequency of what we're becoming. In other words, when you attract your partner, you are attracting someone who is going to trigger within you that dark side. And you're also going to be in love with this person at the same time. And this is a really interesting combination that life has provided because it's the container of love or the passion and desire that you have that motivates you to actually work through what can feel like the challenges, the difficulty and the pain of transforming the dark into light. In other words, love is what motivates you to actually change and make it work. And many people don't actually change or become the greater expression of who they came here to become as a result of working through the relationship dynamics because they don't understand the game. They don't understand that they are powerful creators who create their own reality. In fact, if you're listening to this show, 100% you believe that thoughts are things and you're creating your own reality. But it's very easy for us to make exceptions to the rule. I'm creating my own reality, but I didn't create this from my partner. But the truth is you did. Because that trauma, which is also the gift, is a frequency inside of you. And so if you came in to learn self independence and trust in a higher power, you'll be born into an environment where you feel like your trust has been betrayed and where you're incapable of taking care of yourself. It's by being born into that environment that you build the muscle of personal independence and freedom and faith and trust. Does that make sense? And so your partner is going to show up in your relationship. And initially we show up with a completely different identity or mask on. We don't show up, of course, most of the time with our traumas or our limiting beliefs or our baggage. But as we relax into the comfort of a relationship, those things start to show up and there's going to be a perfect match, a yin and a yang between you and your partner, because the frequency inside of you has attracted that person. And the love that you have for them becomes the container for you to become willing to do the work. And this just makes sense. So the person that you've selected as your partner is reflecting back to you the things that actually need to heal. Now, oftentimes, because we don't understand the game, we want our partner to change, but you can't change the other. The only thing you can actually change is your reaction to the other person, which, interestingly enough, then gives the other person the opportunity to change. Now, there are some core wounds or misunderstandings that each of us bring to the table, men and women. And so I want to walk you through these are very important to understand, because when you understand them, you're no longer battling against these invisible forces that you don't understand, reacting in ways that don't make sense, and experiencing confusion in your relationship. When you understand the historical and generational trauma that women bring to the table and men bring to the table, the friction in the relationship makes absolute sense. So for women, women have a deep seated fear of not being heard, of not feeling safe, and of not being enough. And this comes from millennia of betrayal, abandonment, rape, misogyny, abuse, and being silenced. And it still plays out today. We're in the process of transforming this abusive dynamic between men and women. But statistics on emotional, physical and sexual abuse today are really extraordinary. One out of three women, reportedly, so we know the numbers are even more, report some form of physical, sexual or emotional abuse in their life. That betrayal was perpetrated by men. Dad, a relative, an unknown abuser, someone in the workplace, but some experience of betrayal or relationship infidelity and betrayal of trust. And what ends up happening is that women, and in particular mothers, project betrayal on men. And dad, so I want you to understand this. Women feel unsafe in relationships. And so because of that, they project this feeling of unsafety on the men in their life. And so we can think about that as their male partners, their husbands, or their children. And so this starts to become generationally modeled. And what ends up happening is that women believe that they have to do everything on their own. They can't rely on men. It's not safe to rely on men. And therefore they don't get enough help from men. So there's an I'll do it on my own type of mentality that develops. Now, this is a general rule, it's not specific for every single woman out there. And we see this cross cultures. I'm married to a Colombian woman. And so in particular in Latin culture, there's a dynamic. And so my wife, her mom, my wife's grandmother, they all express this pattern of, I don't need a man, I'll do it on my own. All of them were betrayed by men. All of them have been divorced. And so what happens is a development of an attitude of mistrust. As a result of that mistrust, there's control. And as that control sets in and women, I just want you to hear me, and men, I know you're listening and nodding your heads, that control sets in. And as a woman begins to control her environment as a result of safety, there's a projection of husband. You're not doing it right. I joke about this at my legendary life event when we teach on relationships. I said, women, like most of us did survive up until the time we met you. Like, we did do our laundry, we did sort of wash the dishes. We were able to cook for ourselves. We were able to organize a trip. And as we met you, you started saying, oh, honey, let me do this for you. And it was really sweet at first. But now what's happened is we've become responsibility neutered. And you have a very specific way that you want things done. And if we start to contribute again, we're not doing it right. There's a smack on the back of our hand. And so that starts to pattern the man to actually not help. And now a woman feels like she can't get it all done, and no one is helping me. And then that results in anger and a feeling of, I don't matter. And then there's this internal cry out for help, help me. I'm all alone. And this, of course, isn't the case for every woman. There are certainly men who contribute massively in their relationship or who play more of a patriarchal or dominant role. Sometimes that's toxic as well. But women are living in an existential threat of being harmed or abandoned by men. And that's playing out in the relationship and the dynamics that I just expressed. Now, men were taught that they weren't enough. And so what's interesting is that as mom and dad are playing out this dynamic, if you have children, and I'll just speak about your sons for a moment, but your daughters are receiving the same impression. Son is watching that dad's not enough and he's not doing it right. Daughter is observing that mom has to do it all on her own and that she's angry and controlling. And so these become learned behaviors that Become passed down. And in the midst of this, sort of like the spinal cord running through it is, as daughter becomes older, she will be emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by a man that she either knows or she doesn't. And son will experience what dad is experiencing, which is not being enough. And so dad and other men felt like when they were younger, they weren't enough. And that's being projected onto them now through the dynamic of the relationship. Most boys watched mom assert that dad wasn't enough or doing enough or experienced an absence of a father and the unresolved trauma of not being enough and not providing enough and not being as far along as a man should be. Because that's what men live in, women, an existential threat that they aren't enough. Literally a hum all day long, the same lack of safety that you feel. Men feel that they are not enough. And this drives men to alcoholism, to addiction, to sexual and emotional infidelity, to the pursuit of success or money as a primary motivator of self worth. And so a man is constantly feeling like, I'm not doing enough. Other men are better than me. It's never enough. I must do more, I must provide more. And then I can't provide more. And then there's this feeling of I'm exhausted. Both men and women are exhausted. Men are exhausted. I can't keep up. I can't. I can't handle this. I'm checked out. It's never enough. I'll never be enough. And then this fear that if I can't be more, which I can't be, because that's what life has proven to me, I'm going to lose everything that I love. So men live in an existential threat of not being enough or being able to provide enough and then losing the one thing they love, which is the woman, the relationship, and the family, which actually becomes the reality. And this is so painful for men. And we see that expressed amongst the suicide rates, right? Suicide rates are extraordinary. 1.7% of deaths among men are suicide. Almost 2% of all deaths among men are men taking their own lives in 2022. And these are just US statistics. 1.6 million men attempted suicide. If that doesn't give you the chills, you're not paying attention. What's interesting is that the suicide rates among men versus women are 70% men, 30% women. Exactly the opposite of the marriage filings. 70% of women file for divorce. 30% of men file for divorce. One of the things that gets thrown around a lot in the relationship Is this dynamic is spinning up. And we're going to talk about what to do about this dynamic here in a second. Is women threatening to leave the men? And so now the. The man is asked to change under the duress of losing everything that he actually loves. And one of the things that I've been sharing with our community recently is if you want the relationship to transform into what it can be, and you want to transform into what you can be, you have to shut the door on the divorce threat and put a brick wall in front of it. There is no back door. There is no way, women, that your man can actually heal this trauma of feeling like he's not enough or not as far along as he should be, or to stand powerfully in the midst of you exerting control out of a fear that you can't trust your environment or the man that you're with. There is no way a man can hold that container if simultaneously you're putting the pressure on his back that you're going to leave him. It's impossible. And so if you want to heal your relationship and allow it to become what it's meant to become. I don't even know the heal the relationship is the right language. If you want to allow the relationship to grow and to evolve into what it's destined to become, you have to close the back door. We had a bunch of friends over from the mainland, we live in Puerto Rico. And some of Carol's good friends came over, a couple of really good friends of ours, John and Monica, and good faith based people. And there were three couples. And we were having a conversation and something came up which is like, how much do you guys argue? Do you guys argue a lot too? And they said, no, we haven't argued in like 10 years. And Carol and I and the other couple were like, what? They're like, yeah, we haven't had an argument in 10 years. They're like, we used to argue all the time. And one of the things they said is they shut the door on the possibility of divorce. They said, well, number one, based on our faith, it's until death do us part. We take our vows seriously. We. We take our matrimony as holy. And we weren't treating it that way. And we started treating it that way. And you know what happened? We found a resource that didn't exist as long as that back door was open. They said, as long as that back door is open, there's always a plan B. But if you eliminate plan B, all of your energy and attention goes into plan A, which is the evolution of the relationship. But if you leave that back door open, energy gets lost to that back door and you don't have the capacity, the resourcefulness, the willingness to do the things and become the things that you must do in order to allow the relationship to evolve. If there's an opt out, you have to shut that door and build a brick wall in front of it. Because what we're working with is really, really powerful. It's an ancient survival imprint that is embedded within men and with in women. And that dynamic, that ancient survival imprint in that battle is going to show up in the relationship. And it's important to understand you aren't arguing with your partner. You're arguing with thousands of years of fear and history. So what do we do? Well, we're already starting to talk about what we do. Number one, we understand that this is what's happening. Number two, we shut the door on the threats. It's till death do you part. If you're with someone where it's shared values and shared vision, you can, and I would say you must, work through the trauma as it's coming up in the relationship in the form of relationship friction. Number three, you have to start learning to take radical responsibility for your reaction and work with the information as it's coming up. You have to get to a place where every time you get into an argument, even though you might catch it later, or anytime you start to accuse externally, you turn that finger around and you go, oh, wow, that's me, that's me. And just think about it for a moment. It is you, your reaction is your reaction. Because some other man or some other woman in the relationship, there could be some other woman in the relationship where no matter how many times the man doesn't do things the way that was requested, that still responds with loving kindness. True or not, there's someone out there who could still respond with loving kindness. And the irony is, is if that person responded with loving kindness, do you think that would more compel your partner to operate in collaboration in alignment with perhaps the way that you wanted things to be done or not? Yes, of course. More likely. Now, simultaneously, women, we have to take a look at why you need things done a particular way. And also men, can't you imagine another version of you or another man in the world who might react differently to when your wife is in her trigger or her trauma? That wouldn't take it on as, I'm not good enough. That wouldn't take it on as, oh, here she Goes again, same old story. This is never going to change. But who had the capacity to go, wow, like, my wife's in fear, she's under duress right now. I may not even need to do anything, but I'm not going to react and throw the trigger back at her. So if it's true that someone else might have the capacity to do this, then you can build the capacity to do this. And you are the most likely person to build the capacity to do this because you're the one who loves your partner. So we get into these trauma and trigger loops. It's two nervous systems that are reacting to pain, not to truth. You're not actually reacting to your partner. You're reacting to your soul agreement. You're reacting to that pattern, that deep seated generational pattern that's coming up that you can't trust people, that you have to do it all on your own, that nobody listens to you, that you don't matter, that you're not as far along as you should be, that you're not enough. And that's what wants to be worked out. Your partner is just mirroring it back to you. And what happens is when one partner reacts, when one partner gets triggered, they react in a way that will trigger the other partner's trigger. And so we get into this trigger loop. I call it the hot potato metaphor. Most couples will throw their pain back and forth. One person will get triggered, pick up the hot potato, hurl it at the other. The other person will catch the hot potato, it'll activate their trigger, they'll throw the hot potato back. It's just passing a hot potato back and forth and back and forth. You ever get to that point where you're like, I don't even know why we're arguing or what we're arguing about. That's because you just become so habituated to throwing hot potatoes that you don't even know what the topic is anymore. And so healing happens when you can create a container of loving presence and actually allow your partner to be the trauma that they've been without reacting to it. You understand that this is the game and you've developed the emotional capacity because you've taken responsibility for your own reactions and you've gotten to know them. You've looked at the information, you've questioned the information. Wait a minute, is it really true that I can't trust this person? Wait a minute, is it really true that I'm not good enough? Or wait a minute, is it really true that I'm not as Far along as I should be. Wait a minute. Is it really true that he or she shouldn't be reacting that way? No, of course they should be reacting that way. Why? Because they don't know how to manage their trauma. You know the game. You've looked at the information. You started to downregulate your own nervous system by using transformational tools like all the different kinds that we talk about on this show. And now you've built the capacity to be a loving presence, a container for the person you actually love. So when their trigger gets activated and they throw the hot potato at you, you catch it and you gently set it down. That's what real love is. That's what real power is. It's the ability to not react when our partner is reacting. And you know what? This isn't a thing that changes overnight, but it's a capacity that you build over time. This isn't a thing you're going to do perfectly. You think that Carol and I still don't argue? Of course we still argue that. We had a small argument this morning before the episode. I don't remember what it was. Something around. She put cinnamon in my oatmeal. And I'm like, you know, I'm on a non spice diet. And she's. Then it moved into a thing. She got defensive. Well, you're always on some sort of thing, taking care of your body. I don't pay attention to what people eat because I can eat whatever I want. But you have such a sensitive nervous system. I had to just catch the potato. Look, I started it maybe, and put the potato down. But really what I'm saying is I love myself. I don't need to justify myself to her. And I love her and I know she's doing the best that she can. And nobody's perfect. So this whole process can start with a conversation, a new awareness, a new dialogue. Listen to this episode with your partner and it at least gives you a terrain within which to play a loving relationship. And you know what? Maybe you have a partner that won't listen to this. You're like, Dave, you don't understand my partner. They're not into personal growth. They won't listen to these things. They're not ready for it. Oh, this is a bunch of mumbo jumbo. That's okay, too. Quietly build the practice. Build the practice of understanding that it's not your partner, it's trauma. It's not your reaction, it's trauma. Understand the game and start taking radical responsibility for your reaction. Do the work for you because you can't change them. But you know what's so interesting is you quietly build the practice. And there's a beautiful book called Radical Responsibility by Colin Tipping. This was actually a book that Carol and I read together years ago that talks about these concepts. As you quietly do the work and you start to become less reactive because you're aware of the game that you're playing and what's unfolding in the midst of your relationship dynamic. Your change will change them because you're no longer going to be the same person, and their hooks are going to try to hook into you. And if you don't let them hook into you, it gives them the space to see, like, oh, wow, I'm throwing hot potatoes. That's the really interesting thing. Like, if your partner throws their trigger or hot potato at you and you catch it and throw it back, there's no space for them to actually see that they're throwing hot potatoes because that space is being filled with them catching yours. But if you create a loving presence and don't react, it gives them the space to see what they're doing, which is throwing their trauma at you. And you know what, a good person seeing that enough times, will be inspired to do some work and to change. So your change has the opportunity to facilitate change for them. It creates space for them. Or you will rise in frequency above your soul contract and above your trauma. And if they choose to continue to stay in theirs, they'll have to eject from your orbit. And that may be temporarily painful for you, but someone at your level will be attracted in. And again, you may say, dave, you don't know my partner. And I'm saying, it's not about your partner, it's about you. So the opportunity is for us to learn to create internal safety, regardless of external control. And we can do this through practices. You can develop a practice of feeling safe. I just had an episode like two episodes ago where I shared my meditation practice where, yeah, a lot of this work is about working with the limiting beliefs and using tools to transform the limiting beliefs and heal our trauma. But the other side of that is to start building and embedding within your nervous system. Safety, feeling like you matter, openness, connectedness, presence, letting go of resistance. And there are great meditative practices to start building this, to start embedding that into our nervous system. It's important for men to understand that leadership and being a man isn't hustle, it's not grind, it's not money, it's presence. And so you lead by calming your nervous system, not by proving your worth. And then you can be, in a conscious partnership, two people committed to presence over performance. And I want to leave you with one more thing. What's actually happening at a really high level. And I talk about this in other episodes. Whenever we experience pain or a problem or contrast or trauma, what we're creating in the field is exactly the opposite. So when we experience financial insecurity, we immediately create financial abundance in the field. When we experience betrayal, we immediately create trusted relationships in the field. When we experience feeling like we're not enough or we don't matter, we immediately create self love and self esteem in the field. And the opportunity is for us to align with what we've created in the field, because it's trying to make its way to us. And it is only our own resistance to it, the maintaining of our own resistance, and the repetition of the old stories that prevents us from receiving and experiencing what we've created. And so if that's true, which it is, what that means, women, is that you've been experiencing thousands of years of not feeling safe, thousands of years of feeling helpless and powerlessness, and you've created a tremendous amount of power in the field. This is why I actually believe that women are the catalyst for changing the world. There's so much maternal, feminine power in the field right now. And if you would learn through the process of your relationship to let go of the old stories and to get into a practice of feeling safe and holding a loving presence for the transformation of your man, you would become so powerful in a real way, not in a controlling way. And men, you have accumulated so much peace and serenity in the field as a result of thousands of years of pressure. And if you would just let go of the old story that you're not good enough, that you're not doing enough, that she shouldn't be angry at you, that she's never going to change, if you could develop loving presence and work with that information and heal yourself and start building a practice of safety and serenity and worthiness right now, man, you can create so much with such little effort and have joy and peace in your life at the same time. So if we align with what we've accumulated instead of what we've lost, we heal. And when the pattern heals in one relationship, it ripples outward to your family, to your children, and ultimately to the world. And so I want you to think about what would change in your relationship if you stopped reacting to your partner's pain and started building the capacity to respond with loving presence. So the relationship you're in, we're afraid to be in. If you're not in one might be the very thing that frees you. And there's an opportunity for us to practice presence and to choose love over self defense and to set the hot potato down. And that's how you turn love into a healing force for both of you. So I hope you love this episode. Let me know what you think. If you're joining on YouTube, leave me a comment. I'm always curious to see what you think. This is just what I've learned in my own experience and it's such a an honor to be able to share it with you. If you haven't yet, subscribe and hit that bell icon so you get some notifications. If you love this episode, share it with your partner, share it with your girlfriends, share it with your boyfriends, and if you're listening on the audio platform, do the same thing. Do me a favor, subscribe, leave me a rating and review. I really love sharing this episode with you. I love you so much. I hope this moves you forward a little bit, even in understanding, because understanding is powerful. You can start to play the game differently in the context of your own relationship. And again, this is a one day at a time type of practice. It's not a thing that changes overnight, but at least you've got a new perspective now and there are tons of tools on the show to support you in building a loving presence and transforming the relationship that you're in. I love you very much and I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's David. One more thing. If you want to go even deeper on everything we've talked about on today today's episode, don't forget to jump over to www.DavidBear.com. you can find the link in the show notes and subscribe to our newsletter. A couple of times a week I'm going to be sending you the latest episodes that we've released along with additional free trainings. You'll get immediate access to my free Mind Hack ebook and go even deeper into all the tools, the technologies, the frameworks that have helped tens of thousands of people established a changed mind. Don't forget forget to jump on over to the site and I will see you in the next episode.