Welcome to make more Love Season 2. In this show,

we share real strategies that help high

performing business leaders build passionate,

intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives.

I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. I'm both a

relationship coach and a business coach, so I

know how to handle all the crap that comes up

when you're working to be the best at everything.

If you're new to the show, be sure to follow or

subscribe right now so you never miss an episode.

If you're serious about transforming your

relationship and your life staying connected,

here is your first step. This is the first

episode of season two, and I'm starting off with

an attitude because recently I have fallen down

the rabbit hole of Internet relationship advice.

And we need to talk. You know how the algorithms

work, right? The more you engage with a certain

type of content, the more of it you get. And

before you know it, your entire feed is full of

it. And that is what has happened to me. As you

can imagine, I see a lot of relationship content

and sure, some of it's solid, but a lot of it,

it's vague, it's dumb, or it's just straight up

cringe worthy. So I'm kicking off a series on bad

relationship advice and how not to fall for it.

I've broken it down into three types of bad

advice. The first one is vague. It's stuff you

technically can't argue with, but tells you

absolutely nothing. The second category is dumb.

It's shallow, simplistic advice that would just

never work in real life. And the third one is

wrong. That's the kind that's truly harmful to

your relationship. It may sound like truth, but

if you buy into it, you're going to end up making

bad decisions that might be hard to come back

from. But before we get into all that, I got to

say something. Most people don't need more

advice. They need to figure out what the hell is

actually going wrong in the first place. That's

diagnosis. That's the real issue. Most of us are

working off assumptions and half truths, and odds

are if your partner knew what you thought they

wanted, they probably laugh in your face when

things aren't going well. Even if it feels

obvious, most of us don't really know what the

root issue is or how urgent it is to fix. It's

like that damn check engine light. It lights up

and you can see that it's lit, but it tells you

nothing. For that, you've got to take it to the

mechanic and then they use a computer diagnostic

system to figure out what the problem is and then

they can recommend how to fix it. It would be

cool if you could take your relationship into the

shop and run a diagnostic. So I decided to do

exactly that. I made a system just for you. It's

called the Make More Love Relationship Dynamics

quiz. It pinpoints the underlying cause of

relationship challenges based on your answers to

15 multiple choice questions. Then it shows you

specifically where the breakdown is occurring so

so you can focus on the part that needs your

attention first. The quiz is completely private.

I'm the only one who could see your answers and I

won't look unless you ask me to. It's also free,

at least for now. You could take it right now.

Well, right after you finish listening to this

episode anyway, just head over to MakeMoreLove

show quiz and then click the button and go. I

hate when you do those online quizzes and they

wait till the end to tell you that you have to

give them your personal information to get the

report. You'll see your results as soon as you're

done, and if that gives you what you need, I'm

happy for you. But if you want help unpacking it

and building a step by step strategy, you can

book in for a conversation with me where we'll

walk through the results and and talk about

what's really going on and get you started on a

better path. I hope you'll head over there and

take the quiz because like I said, you probably

don't need more advice. You likely need a plan

and you definitely need results. All right, let's

get into it. Starting with the vague stuff that's

the topic for this week. This kind of advice

reminds me of those articles you read where

researchers do a 10 year study and spend a

gazillion dollars. And the wahoo News headline is

in relationships, communication is key. Oh, good

to know. It's. Wait, is that it? Just communicate

more. That's the advice? Communicate what? How?

With what tone, toward what goal? It's

aggravating because the advice produces nothing

you didn't know already and nothing you can

really use. And it completely ignores the fact

that most people don't know how to communicate

very well anyway. And especially when they're

angry, stressed, tired and overwhelmed.

Communication can mean a hundred different

things. Sharing schedules and logistics, talking

about feelings, giving a lecture. How about

PowerPoint slides? What about body language?

These are all communication. But communication

has to be in context. And if you and your partner

don't agree on what counts as communication and

what's just background noise, the communication

is key. Advice isn't going to help you at all.

Oh, and there's another important point. There's

a big difference between explaining and

communicating, especially in relationships.

That's a distinction that gets missed a lot. I

see it in my business coaching all the time.

Business owners tend to default to whatever

communication style they're comfortable with.

Usually it's technical, tactical, and process

driven. One of my clients once spent 20 minutes

walking me through how to build a staircase with

sketches before we finally got to the real issue,

which was that his estimator had been using an

outdated pricing formula for years and every job

that included a staircase was bleeding money. And

the same kind of thing happens at home. Folks can

get carried away on the details of a situation.

They share stuff that they're comfortable talking

about, but not what their partner needs to hear

in order to feel completely read in. The wife of

one of my clients told me about the detailed

explanations her husband shared with her about

the consequences of fabrication delays and their

impact on his company's profitability. He shared

every detail of this problem he was facing,

except he failed to tell her about the solution

he came up with, which was to buy a fabrication

plant in another state where he would have to

travel every other week for at least six months

or maybe longer. He thought he was communicating.

She did not agree, and to her the real issue

wasn't even the travel and it was the fact that

she wasn't part of the decision that was going to

affect her life, his life, the family's life.

Good communication in a relationship isn't just

about talking more, it's about sharing what

matters in a way your partner can actually take

in and respond to. That's what I have to say

about that. Let's move on to vague advice. Number

two, your partner always comes first. Who could

argue with that? At least on the surface it

sounds airtight, like something that any loving,

committed partner should absolutely live by. But

in real life, especially if you're running a

business, managing a team, carrying all the

weight of financial decisions, and being

responsible for the profitability of your

company, trying to execute on that promise is

likely to fail one way or the other. Advice like

this doesn't give you a way to reconcile it with

your real life obligations. Our relationship

models, if we have any at all, are not designed

for people like us who must accommodate multiple

competing top priorities. Which is why I put a

laser focus on that when I designed my Make More

Love methodology. The work you do is what gives

you the resources, the time, money, security and

access to make sure your partner is your top

priority in the big picture. But sometimes that

means making work the priority in the moment. And

social media, as usual, is part of the problem.

There are endless memes promoting an unrealistic

approach to relationships. I see a lot from that

show Yellowstone. It's a show I've never watched,

but somehow I've managed to see 30 seconds at a

time. There's one scene between the romantic

leads where Beth calls Rip and says, I need you

to come home now. And Rip immediately jumps on

his horse, leaves the cattle behind, and gallops

off into the sun to be by her side. Like

everything else on this show, it's not even a

little bit realistic, but it is romantic. And if

your partner has absorbed enough of that kind of

messaging, they might think that that's what love

is supposed to look like. So if you don't drop

everything, it can feel to them like they're not

important. And if that's your partner, you're

going to need a plan for how you can deliver

enough romantic energy so that they get their fix

without putting your reputation and your business

in jeopardy. So how do you put your partner first

when it really matters? Start by defining what

putting your partner first even looks like with

your partner. Here are three questions to ask

when you're facing a situation. One, is it truly

urgent or an emergency? Two, what does my partner

need right now? To feel connected and supported?

And three, can I meet that need in a way that

still respects my other responsibilities? Most of

all? You've got to talk about all of this with

your partner before it becomes an argument. Now,

even if you talk about it, you still may need to

remind each other of your agreements in the

moment, but there will be a lot less anxiety

around it because you'll have already talked

through it when you weren't in a highly emotional

state. What I've learned over decades is in

relationships, you are always playing the long

game. You don't win by reacting emotionally to

every single moment. You win by aligning your

values, your goals and your expectations with

your partner and making choices together that

reflect that shared vision. Now we get to vague

advice number three. Just be supportive. That is

pretty useless supportive. How does it mean

you're supposed to drop everything and give your

partner a hug? Does it mean you're supposed to be

a cheerleader? Or does it mean taking on more

responsibility with the family or the home? This

advice really doesn't give you a clue. And it

gets even trickier. You've probably heard this

one. When a woman talks about a problem, she

doesn't want a solution. She just wants you to

listen. I'm sure you've heard that a thousand

times, and I get what people are trying to say.

But here's the problem. If you're a business

leader and someone who lives in problem solving

mode, that kind of advice is just frustrating.

You're not wired to just nod and say, oh yeah,

that sucks. You're wired to fix things. So then

what happens? You offer a fix and they get mad.

You feel unappreciated, they feel you don't care.

And now you're both frustrated. Not because you

didn't want to be supportive, but because no one

actually knew what kind of support was needed at

the time. This is something I've struggled with

in my own relationship. I'm the one who tends to

jump in and try to solve the problem when my

husband is just sharing what's on his mind. Over

time, I've learned to ask him a few questions

like this. Are you looking for a sounding board

or do you just need to vent? Would you like some

suggestions or do you need a devil's advocate? I

don't always remember to ask, but when I do, we

usually end up having a much more connected and

interesting conversation as we wrap up. Here's

the key message I hope you take away from this

the problem with vague advice is is that it

leaves you guessing. And in relationships,

guessing rarely gets you where you want to go.

You end up overthinking everything, second

guessing yourself, or getting trapped in a trial

and error cycle that creates even more

disconnection. You both end up feeling

misunderstood, unappreciated, and maybe even less

loved. And that is the opposite of the make or

love approach. So try some of these suggestions

and let me know how it goes. You can post your

thoughts on my social media feed DM me, or send

me an email at ellenassionatepartnersproject.com

I read every message and I reply personally and I

love hearing from you. Next week I'm calling out

the dumb advice, the kind that makes you wonder

if the person giving it has actually ever been in

any kind of a relationship. I'll break down a few

of my favorites and I'll show you what to do

instead. All right, I hope today's episode got

you thinking, but you know we can only do so much

in an open forum like this. If you want to look

at your specific situation book in a free

relationship reset call, we'll figure out the

next best move and set you on a path to a better

relationship for both you and your partner. You

can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com

and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate

Partners Insider community on Facebook. There's

exclusive content and resources there. Or visit

our website or our social channels to learn more

about our programs, workshops and private

coaching options. All the links to everything I

mentioned plus my personal email are in the show

notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now,

I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate

your help spreading the word about Make More

Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit

follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It

helps more people find the show and it also keeps

you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would

mean the world. It helps us grow our community

and reach more people. And finally, if you know

someone who is struggling in their relationship,

then she share the show with them. You might just

change their life. Thank you so much for

spreading the word. I believe you had good

reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is

to help you reconnect with those reasons and

discover new ways to make more love in your life

and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's

what I've got for you today.