This is a Global Player original podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Vogue and Amber, the bonus episode.

Hey, Amber's just jizzing all over her microphone, so.

Excuse her.

She's new to Mike.

She's trying to swallow the thing.

I need.

I need a Britney mic.

She has to get the.

Amber, that's.

Can you hear how bad that sounds for the poor listeners at home?

No.

Well, we are away.

We're skiing.

We're having a lovely time, aren't we, Ambie?

We've done a great day skiing today.

Even Neil Wilson would agree.

He'd say, good girls out from 9.

Home at 5, 8, 50 on the slopes.

I've had a few spills.

My body is aching all over.

All over.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Well, we talk about how lucky we are to be skiing instead of how sore your body is unless you're getting transport it down the slope.

She dro.

So there's.

There's these things.

If.

If anyone has never been skiing, you.

You must know what a chairlift is.

It's like if a chairlift that brings you up the slopes, Amber.

There's always somebody, right?

And you're like, God.

It's because it has to stop every so often because people, like, fall over, particularly in the afternoon when people have been operating skiing.

Amber went flat on her face.

Ski and everything off.

And your mom was.

What just happens there?

Like, how did that happen?

I don't even know how it happened.

I was like, I'm so sorry, guys.

I don't know what happened there.

Just.

I got mixed up between my right and my left, and just, like, next thing, boom.

Oh, God.

We actually.

We met a man on the way down the slope today.

Well, we didn't meet him.

Like, he was sprawled out on the side of the slope when I was like.

We met a man.

He didn't even speak a word of bloody English.

I was like, are you okay?

I mean, everybody knows things.

Thank you.

We didn't hear an U of thank you.

Anyway, drag him up to the ditch he'd found himself in and then realized he couldn't ski.

We didn't have.

He should not.

He was a liability on the slopes.

And he was on his own.

No helmet.

I mean, he was absolutely stinking of that Louis Vuitton perfume.

So he just.

And then he kept trying to follow us.

And I was like, okay.

And I was like, amber, I.

I.

Was like, we got to lose this.

We got to lose.

No, I couldn't.

So I'm there.

Snow plowing.

I'm like, follow my line, snow plow.

The guy who can't speak a word of English.

Follow my line, snow plow.

The louder you say it.

Snow.

No, he was bad.

And I was like, okay, just lean forward.

I was giving him some good advice too, and I thought he had it.

But then off he went up there into the straight.

Continued screaming at him in English.

No, Derek.

We called him Derek.

We had to call him somebody.

He just kept trying to.

I know he kept trying to, like, follow us.

But we were like.

We're like.

We were going into the ski park and we're like, dude, you can't go again.

You can't even put your skis on.

Let alone you're not going into.

Yeah, he couldn't.

I had to take my skis off, pull them up, and then I'm teaching him how to get off from falling.

I'm like, dude, have you had one?

Has anyone ever told you anything about ski before?

But did this about.

He was on his own as well.

Like, that's.

And I went up to.

I went up to.

His ski outfit was about four grand.

Surely he could afford to join a ski group.

He was around Moncler.

I'm like, excuse me.

All the gear and no idea.

Oh, my God.

I've just noticed one of my nails has gone.

Oh, Jesus.

I can't like girls.

I can't.

First world problems.

I can't keep recording a whole th has come off.

I have to go.

Sorry.

Kim.

There are people dying.

Well, I hope their nails are nice.

Don't let me paint their nails if they're dying.

What?

I wouldn't.

I can't believe.

I cannot believe Aunt Naomi made you executor of the will.

And she knows how you paint your nails.

She's going to have you.

I'm in disbelief myself.

I'm in disbelief myself.

Naomi will just be going down with just fingertips and everything.

Just painted.

I was a write off yesterday.

Had to come home at 5pm into the bed at 5pm because I thought I was gonna like projectile vomit everywhere.

Definitely ate.

Ate a lot of snow yesterday.

Face planted.

It actually ran straight into some woman as well.

You'll have a Gwyneth Paltrow court case.

I was trying to remember that court case.

What happened?

Like, did.

Did a man.

She.

A man.

Like, anyway, she ended up winning it and she was really gracious in how she won it.

But he was dragging her to court because as soon saw it was Gwyneth Paltrow, he was like.

But he was a doctor as well.

So, like he wasn't sure.

So th.

Bob himself.

But that's what.

Look at Amber.

Look at her drink.

Oh, God.

Bad news for us later.

That's her second vodka since she's got home.

It's not actually.

It's my first.

Don't worry, girls.

I'm locked and loaded, baby.

She's got herself a champagne as well.

She's.

I'm not going to have any problems sleeping tonight like I did last night.

And we got to the.

We.

We went tea, wanted water.

This morning he skis with us because he's so good and he was skiing with us and he's like, I want water.

First of all, I went in to get him a bottle of water and I was like, grand.

And they were like a bottle.

A 500 mil bottle of water.

8 Euro.

I nearly sent him outside to start eating snow.

I was like, this is too expensive.

And then.

And then he only drank half it.

I was like, God, I don't even had to.

I was like, I'm not leav.

That's four.

I'm not leaving that behind.

And then In Walter Zamber, 10am Bailey's Coffee.

I was like, pardon.

10 to 10.

Actually, the bill went up from 8 to 22 Euros.

Yeah, that was lovely for me, wasn't it?

I went in for a bottle of water and I left €22 short.

I mean, to drink water.

I didn't want.

€22 lighter.

Okay, faking it, Amber, you know the score.

Three headlines, two are am I American?

You know the score.

Sorry, everybody.

Excuse me.

Three headlines, two are fake, one is real.

Can Ambi and Voguey and the listeners and not umo.

Actually, I forget that, you know, spot the real for the fake and faking it.

Okay.

Woman who sells sperm pearl necklaces says business is booming.

I used to love a pearl necklace, but not that kind.

But I remember I had an ex boyfriend and he bought me and I still have them somewhere, but I ripped them.

Obviously I broke them because I break everything.

And he bought me and I still haven't got them fixed.

It just reminds me I must pop into the pearl shop.

Anyway.

Is there a pearl shop?

Is that a thing?

I don't know.

Okay, wrong.

Wrong people.

Okay, next one.

Man, he spent over 11,000 pounds to become a dog.

To open vets for others to become dogs too.

I always think about that, like whatever you feel like doing, whatever you're into.

If he's going around with his dog friends, like, that's fine.

And he's creating his own dog world with the vets and stuff.

That's great.

I think he.

No, I think there should be certain, like.

But that shows how bad we are.

Like, if you create something like kennels for humans who think they're dogs and stuff like that, just ship him off to that.

I mean, as far as kinks go, I don't think being a dog is.

Is, like, that bad.

I'm assuming it's.

It's kind of a kink.

Is it?

No, he actually just thinks he's a dog.

Yeah, but, you know those people who, like, dress up as babies and stuff as kinks for themselves or people who get, like, shat on, like, that's worse.

That would be my worst nightmare.

Like, honestly, they apparently.

No, apparently they do it over a glass table.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, apparently Armor.

Armor knows the inside scoop.

That's what I've heard.

Oh, my God.

Okay, last one.

11 injured at hen party during fight for karaoke microphone.

I believe that karaoke.

Amber.

I.

Hello?

Is it me you're looking for?

Okay, I'm going.

The last one.

The woman who sells sperm.

Pearl necklaces.

Yeah.

Businesses booming.

I could.

I could.

Yeah.

Well, not really, because everyone wants sperm.

Everyone's looking to get preggers, and I.

Think I'm gonna go with that one, to be honest with you.

And then your man, who's 11 grand to become a dog, opening a vet for others to become dogs, too.

I'd well believe that, but I'm going.

I'm going with the one that just strikes a chord at me, and that's 11 injured at a head party during a fight for the karaoke microphone.

Well, I'm gonna go for the one that strikes a chord at me.

So I'm going for the woman who smells pearl necklaces.

Oh, Abby, you're right.

11.

11 injured.

But I want to know what the song.

Veterans of karaoke related violence say.

An incident which occurred in Kilkenny last weekend may have been the most bloody ever witnessed, with 11 people requiring medical tweets, treatment, and at least five arrest.

Okay, five arrests and 11 people requiring.

And it was a Dublin woman called Sophie Quinlevin.

Descended into chaos.

In the minutes after the party became aware that there was.

In the minutes after the party became aware that there was only time for three more songs before the bar was due to close.

Sorry, you got to do the quote from the guy.

This is.

Okay, so the owner of the karaoke by the Horse Horse, John Hanley, said it was the perfect storm.

A lot of women who thought they were nailed on as bridesmaids But Ashton got the gig, copious amounts of alcohol consumed, and Adele's hello queued up as the next song.

Disaster was inevitable.

Oh, my God.

Wait, wait.

Keep going, keep going.

Yeah.

He has added there was enough clumps of loose hair to make a wig for a giraffe's neck.

I've never seen anything like it.

And I ran an underground dog fight.

Ring in Thailand in my backpacking days.

Pardon?

That's desperate.

Now I don't like him.

Anyway, there was CCT TV footage, and the flashpoint occurred when two Alpha karaoke veterans began vying for the microphones and argued over who would get to sing Kelly Clarkson's since you've been gone.

Understand?

I'd have.

I'd have no interest in karaoke.

I just love it a lot.

I remember when I was, like, about 12 or 13.

No, maybe that's not just, like.

Okay, I remember when I was about 15 or 16 and we were.

That's also a lie.

I remember I was an age where I should have known better.

I was probably about 18 or 19, and myself and my friend.

Actually, I'm not even gonna say.

It doesn't matter.

Just.

Just let it go.

Okay?

I remember that I saw my son carry out.

Hi.

Come over here.

Little sweetie.

Can I talk?

Yeah, say something.

Mommy, I'm making my own tea on.

Fire, and it's my logo.

Oh, cool.

Five minutes.

Get out of here, you poo bum.

Don't turn that off.

I need that light.

I need that light.

Look at how terrible I look.

Don't do me dirty.

Get out.

Get out.

He has started saying, okay, fine.

I'm like, oh, my.

Oh, I've got another one in here now.

Gigi's here.

Oh, God, she wants a hug.

Does she?

Look, T, look.

Come here.

Come here.

Look.

Look who's in Mama's room.

Look.

Hello, T.

My cherub.

Look, you'll see Titi now in a second.

Look, this is technology, Gigi.

Mommy doesn't understand it.

Say hi to Emo.

Hi, Gigi.

Hi, Ammo.

And hi, Amber.

Forget about me then.

That's fine.

That's our holiday.

By the way.

There's no.

There is no.

I was in the toilet on my own earlier today.

I was like, God, this is lovely.

Alone.

Is that why you went to the wood in the main hallway?

I didn't use that.

I was thinking you were in there dropping a few other kids off at the pool.

No, I wouldn't be.

So.

Do you think I'd be so rude as to use that like that?

Would be spenny all over.

He wouldn't care about the rest of the home.

He would be happy to just drop his kids off wherever he wants to go.

Okay, we'll do Am I the.

Or, as I like to say.

For.

Banning my sister from my baby's christening.

Love the I love the podcast.

Your honesty and chaos give me life.

So I need you to weigh in on this one.

So my baby's christening is coming up, and I told my sister she wasn't invited.

Here's why.

My sister has a history of making everything about herself.

She thrives on drama, and at every big family event, she either shows up late in some kind of dramatic fashion, picks a fight with someone, or stirs the pot just for attention.

Since I've had my baby, she's been by my side most days.

Great for support and childcare when I need sleep.

And I'm so grateful for that.

But we have a difficult relationship, and I found it draining being with her all the time.

And my husband found it hard, too.

She's one of those who I have to beg to give my baby back.

So she's my baby's favorite, and she inserts herself into every scenario, as always.

She even rang around all my family, my best friends, to tell them I had the baby before I got to have that special moment myself.

Oh, my God.

I just want my baby's christening to be nice, peaceful day, no drama, no attention seeking.

Just a lovely time with close family and friends.

So I told her I didn't want her there if she couldn't promise not to behave.

Of course, she lost it.

Said I was being unfair, accused me of using her and taking advantage of her.

Even in one of.

Even during one of the vicious arguments, she said, why should you have a say who comes?

I spend more time with her.

I act more like her mom than you.

So we're currently not talking.

She's been taking the ear off the whole family, blaming me.

And now mom says I should just let her come to keep the peace.

So I'm the asshole for not wanting to risk the baby's big day turning into another episode of the sister show.

Can't wait to hear what you think.

Love you both.

And I mean, with Amber.

What?

I was waiting for it.

We're like the two ugly sisters at the moment.

By the way, you look rotten.

And so do I.

Like those witches from the movie.

The witches.

Great movie.

Okay, Amber, what would you do?

I think you can't exclude her.

You've been relying on her to Mind your child.

Like, it's not cool.

I think you just need to have a little side chat with her and just like she's obviously very, very excited for you and doesn't realize that she's overstepping.

So you just gotta ask her to pull in the reins.

I think that you can't.

Yeah, I.

I think that you can't not invite her because she's obviously really excited and like the help will be great.

And I'm telling you, when they get a little bit older, the help will be even more appreciated.

Why do you think Amber?

I'm never on holidays without Amber.

I think you just need to have a side chat.

Yeah, a little side chat.

And try and do it in a really nice way.

Because she's obviously really upset and she just wants to go and she wants to feel like she's involved sometimes.

A little gentle but firm chat doesn't go astray.

Yeah, bro, it's actually as we know ourselves.

Yeah.

I just gonna say, if you'll just.

I'd love to chat you outside.

No.

If you wouldn't mind.

Okay.

Okay.

This one's from.

It's from Lucifer.

Lucy.

This one's from Lucy.

Hi, Amber.

Juicy with an L.

There's a missing an eye.

Amber didn't do too well.

English hi.

Am Vogue.

Love you on the pod.

Your Sandra stories and impressions are my favorite.

Oh God.

We better ring her.

Oh, yeah, I'm from Aberdeen.

Give it up.

We used to call it Amber Dean.

Yeah, because we couldn't get her out of there.

Amber just wanted to be the eternal student and not have to pay for life.

And by the way, Amber, I was going to say to you, like, we got a job together in weather spoons and that was our job.

And then Amber was like, actually this.

I'd rather live on nothing than have a job to get anything else for myself.

So she just stopped working and only did two hours.

Again.

Again.

Vogue.

Here we go.

Where did you move to?

Recollections of our life.

Where did you move to?

What job did you then take?

I was busy.

I had six hours of classes a week and lots of private study time to attend to.

So I was.

What I said wrong because it's not tr.

I never.

I never left the job.

Oh, you got fired?

No, I didn't get fired.

Folk, it was weather spoons.

Come on.

Like, honestly.

Okay, you can take that torch.

You stayed working there for longer than me.

Oh my God.

That's.

That.

That.

That is your badge of honor.

Amber, I moved.

I got.

Excuse me.

I got a job in a high end restaurant.

I got a job in a high end restaurant and.

High end restaurant.

I've never.

I'm out, honestly.

Where's the book?

I'm gonna be sick.

The tips were so miserable, I can't even tell you.

Like, some people would leave.

I remember this One family of four left me like 22 cent on the table.

22.

That wasn't there.

That's when you were.

No, that's when you worked in the bloody Stream.

And I remember.

I remember I heard about this because someone said, you hear about what your sister did and basically you were left.

Essentially, like coppers or something like that as a tip.

And apparently you threw it back at them.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

I'm from Aberdeen and love the airtime the city gets when you both mention it, considering a lot of people don't know where it is.

Did you enjoy your time in Aberdeen?

Any favorite stories or memories?

Thanks for the laughs, Lucy.

Well, as you can see, we did enjoy ourselves.

Amber a bit too much because we couldn't dislodge her from the city.

I came out in Aberdeen.

It was my safe haven.

But do you know what?

I was actually thinking about a funny story when I was in Aberdeen and I remember I got a call and it was just like.

It was like, I don't know, your mom's like, oh, it's Sergeant Detective.

I didn't know Lucy.

We'll say Lucy, because this girl's name is Lucy.

Lucy McHugh from Aberdeenshire, blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, oh, my God, why the police call me?

She's like, we've had a report of a Ford Focus being driven.

Basically, the driver smoking a cigarette on the phone with the hazards on.

It's like, it wasn't me.

I didn't know how you got this number, but you need to lose it immediately.

All right?

Sergeant Lucy McGill.

Do you remember?

Do you remember I used to get you.

Because I'm around a car and I don't have a car.

I'd get Amber to drive me to the cinema so I could pick a mix.

That's.

No, but that was an outing for us all.

What we do tonight?

Oh, let's go to the cinema to get Vogue jellies.

There's nothing to do in the place.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

We're shitting all over Lucy's hometown.

There's loads of stuff to do in Aberdeen.

We used to love going to Snafu.

We used to love going out Now.

I used to love the SAR grade student A what?

Sarbini.

What's a sarbini?

I.

I just.

It was the most delicious thing.

And then also on what you want.

To tell us what is.

What it is?

Well, it's like it was in, like.

A kebab shop, and I don't know, they put this tomato stuff on it, and you get your.

Your.

Your pepperoni on it, then you have everything on it, and they roll it up and it is just unbelievable.

It's a bloody.

It's not a pizza.

I would.

I'm gonna look it up for you later.

And then there was another thing on another one of the streets that I used to get a.

And it was a burger, but the burger.

So there was cheese, then there was burger meat around it, and then there was like.

The burger had, like, batter as well.

And then it was in a bone.

I know.

No wonder you've got such tummy problems on this trip, because you.

Absolutely.

Sorry.

That's because of the fondue burger yesterday in the.

Oh, my God.

We got a fond.

A burger.

Right?

And on the side was dipping cheese.

So you're, like, dunked the burger in this cheese.

Yeah.

We'll be rolling home.

We will.

Well, everyone, thank you so much for listening.

You know, as always, good luck with that edit.

Thank you so much.

I hope you enjoy.

Thank you.

We love you.

We love it.

We love that for you.

Bye, everybody.

Thank you for listening.

Bye.

This is a Global Player original podcast.