SFX: News Intro Music

NEWS READER JESS: (at mic)

Good morning to the Front Range, and thanks as always for tuning in to XTTY: Independent Internet News and Music for Fort Collins, Loveland, and Longmont. As always, I’m Jess, here for your morning commute or walk of shame. It is 7:59, skies are partly cloudy, and today’s high should be right around 71°

The situation at Denver International Airport continues to be…ah…let’s go ahead and call it “weird as an electric kazoo.” Multiple strange events happened over night.

Let’s start with the trains. Late afternoon passengers riding the trains between the DIA concourses reported seeing strange glimpses down the side tunnels of:

A heavenly glow

A middle aged woman (or possibly a demon)

And a chihuahua (or possibly a giant squid)

None of which explains what they reported hearing, which includes:

Divine music

Truly disgusting profanity

And a terrible roar, which one passenger on the way to Pittsburgh described as, “gnarly shit, dude.”

More fascinating still, late night staff swears they saw a woman with a bright pink baseball bat beating the hell out of a glitchy, reverberating shape in the east field by the fire station before seizing it in her talons and tearing it in two.

But there is a cherry on the sundae of strange. Listeners may recall from previous reports that alcohol and cannabis began to disappear from in and around the airport, with clear liquors being replaced with water, brown liquors with unsweetened iced tea, and cannabis with ordinary oregano. Today, however, all the bars and dispensaries near DIA appear to be back to normal, with alcohol and cannabis supplies back in place, fixing supply issues but leaving a mystery behind.

Whoever you are, strange woman with the claws, the stoners, chefs, and bourbon enthusiasts of the front range salute you. Personally, I hope this means that bottle of pinot noir I opened yesterday is no longer grape juice when I get home.

As an editorial aside, it isn’t uncommon for us here at XTTY to report on stories other outlets decline to cover. As an independent internet radio station, we’ve long endured the scoffing of more mainstream institutions and journalists. Reporting on cryptids, secret societies, and other such topics up and down the front range has earned us some unkind nicknames. The Tinfoil Frequency. ConspiraCast. Even Mothman Megahurtz (which is actually pretty great). But this? This story made prime time. We here in the studio expect a few apologetic phone calls from our colleagues. Looking at you, Denver7.

As always, we’ll keep you updated should any new developments occur. But for now, let’s kick start your commute with the new single from Tai & Nikki, “Shut up, Todd.”

SFX: Good Morning Evildoers theme music fades in then out.

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, still out here at the Denver lair as Coelacanth continues to recover.

I want to thank all of you for the notes and emails checking in on him. His broken leg is healing up a treat, his teeth are regrowing, and now all of his tentacles are in phase again. He’s a very good boy, and I read him your well wishes every night.

So it turns out, the delay out here in Denver was caused by a quasi-angelic being with a real attitude problem. Fortunately, like most paternalistic assholes, it had a weakness.

In this case it was terribly allergic to Louisville Sluggers. And being torn in half. I think that might’ve been a factor.

Now obviously, as we continue to research this little setback, we’ll keep you in the loop. For now, I suspect it might have something to do with our … ah … “friends” in Atlantis. It said something about being imprisoned long ago beneath the waves.

Hopefully, this will all be easily resolved once we gather up all the shredded pieces, toss them in a rocket, and fire them into the sun. One can’t be too careful!

But let’s talk about what’s going on at HQ. We have a few announcements to catch up on.

First, it looks like the supply closet on Level 23 is trying to turn into a dimensional rift again. So if you’re in the area, stop by and give it some encouragement. After all, self-determination is a core value here at Global Synergy Amalgamated, and we support the rights of both beings and infrastructure to define themselves.

Speaking of respecting our coworkers, certain morally flexible staffers have started capturing the escaped homunculi and are selling them as pets. Legal has issued a strongly worded memo, of course, but I personally am very disappointed. Trading in sentient beings is unacceptable. We’re evil, not tacky.

And please remember that the mirror maze is not a short cut for new employees. We’re still missing three newbies from last week and I’m worried they’ll have to resort to cannibalism in there. Can you imagine? With no seasonings at all? Uff-da. Makes the blood run cold.

All rightie. One more note before I let you get back to it. The crystal ball and scrying network will be down for maintenance tonight between 10:30 and 11:45 PM Greenwich Mean Time (since the comms team is headquartered over there in England). You can still use your phone as a hotspot for personal divination, but please don’t attempt any official work during that time.

Well, that’s everything for now. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!