1 00:00:00,096 --> 00:00:03,878 My consistent concern is that she's 2 00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:07,323 gonna fall, and she's gonna fall and hurt herself, which has happened 3 00:00:07,323 --> 00:00:10,704 before, and I'm not gonna know, or nobody's gonna 4 00:00:10,704 --> 00:00:14,470 know. We were literally just calling because I needed somebody to help 5 00:00:14,518 --> 00:00:17,787 me lift her up off the floor, but they sent 8 people. 6 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:21,809 And they're all very nice. They all have different roles. They're all responsible for different 7 00:00:21,809 --> 00:00:24,742 things. I get that. And I guess they just want to be prepared, 8 00:00:25,271 --> 00:00:28,959 but It is so many people. And also, don't 9 00:00:28,975 --> 00:00:32,505 let old people run out of their artificial sweetener. They will get upset 10 00:00:32,763 --> 00:00:34,921 and they will riot, and that gets dangerous. 11 00:00:36,242 --> 00:00:39,721 Boop. Hi everybody, I'm Lauren Howard. 12 00:00:39,785 --> 00:00:43,162 Welcome to Different Not Broken, which is our 13 00:00:43,162 --> 00:00:46,794 podcast on exactly that, that there are a lot of people in this world walking 14 00:00:46,794 --> 00:00:50,571 around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different and that's fine. 15 00:00:52,399 --> 00:00:55,548 I broke the sacred Pact of 16 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,905 Daughters of My Mother. Accidentally. She was back in the 17 00:00:59,937 --> 00:01:02,987 hospital last week, and I let her run out of Equal. 18 00:01:03,715 --> 00:01:07,354 And I didn't have any Equal at my house, so I 19 00:01:07,354 --> 00:01:11,187 couldn't bring her any. So I had to go to the store to buy Equal, 20 00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:15,324 which felt incorrect. Equal feels like the kind of thing that you 21 00:01:15,324 --> 00:01:18,934 should never pay for. You should always get it free because you stole a 22 00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:22,217 bunch from the coffee shop. Like, it doesn't feel like a thing you should ever 23 00:01:22,217 --> 00:01:25,907 pay for. But I bought a box of Equal. Did you know that a 24 00:01:25,907 --> 00:01:29,324 box of Equal costs $6 for carcinogens? 25 00:01:29,853 --> 00:01:33,703 $6. So anyway, I went and bought a box of 26 00:01:33,703 --> 00:01:37,537 Equal, and I checked out, and I brought it to her. And she 27 00:01:37,537 --> 00:01:40,906 was like, why did you go shopping? I had some at my house. And I 28 00:01:40,906 --> 00:01:44,692 was like, the store seemed less complicated than going to your house, even though 29 00:01:44,692 --> 00:01:47,965 she lives 2 blocks from me and I have a key. And I know where 30 00:01:47,965 --> 00:01:51,784 everything is. It just seemed like a lot. It seemed 31 00:01:51,961 --> 00:01:55,732 a much more direct option to just go to the 32 00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:59,423 sugar aisle, and it was pretty fast. Also, I've 33 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,697 apparently become that person who's like, in my day this was— 34 00:02:03,371 --> 00:02:06,774 which is ironic. But also, as I was checking out at the store, 35 00:02:07,624 --> 00:02:11,043 I looked up and I saw someone who 36 00:02:11,235 --> 00:02:15,084 very much looked like a guy I went And so 37 00:02:16,350 --> 00:02:19,539 while I was trying to figure out who he looked like, I 38 00:02:19,635 --> 00:02:23,417 realized and then went, oh, that can't be him. That guy looks 39 00:02:23,417 --> 00:02:27,070 like a 40-year-old man. And I thought about it and I realized 40 00:02:27,182 --> 00:02:31,028 that is correct. That would be exactly— yeah, no, that's it. Yeah, 41 00:02:31,509 --> 00:02:34,922 like, I'm almost 40. He didn't stay 18. That's not how it 42 00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:38,720 works. And then I just was like, oh, beans. It's 43 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:42,472 like, what do you do with that? The people around you age while you do. 44 00:02:42,889 --> 00:02:46,739 That seems incorrect. I don't know if that's what I signed up for. And so 45 00:02:46,739 --> 00:02:50,059 that was just like a cosmic letdown. So I'm headed to the hospital 46 00:02:50,829 --> 00:02:54,582 to see my mother who was in the hospital again, and 47 00:02:54,678 --> 00:02:58,111 again faced with my own mortality while heading to the 48 00:02:58,127 --> 00:03:01,158 hospital. And I was like, all of this feels very cruel. 49 00:03:02,201 --> 00:03:05,698 I don't think I did anything to deserve any of this. So I got 50 00:03:05,746 --> 00:03:09,512 myself a mango drink and I drank my sorrows. It didn't have alcohol in it, 51 00:03:09,593 --> 00:03:13,412 it just had sugar. That's how I drink my sorrows. It's just through copious amounts 52 00:03:13,412 --> 00:03:17,117 of sugar and syrup drinks. But yeah, I don't know if you know this, but 53 00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:20,879 we're old. Somebody let us get old. And I don't know 54 00:03:20,943 --> 00:03:24,401 when it happened because I am so sure, like super, 55 00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:28,146 super sure that I was in college 56 00:03:28,211 --> 00:03:31,828 like yesterday. I was even in high school 57 00:03:31,828 --> 00:03:35,665 like yesterday. I still can't believe that they let me graduate high school. 58 00:03:36,543 --> 00:03:40,073 I still have dreams almost every night that I 59 00:03:40,073 --> 00:03:43,779 forgot to graduate high school or that I didn't take a class that I 60 00:03:43,779 --> 00:03:47,340 needed to graduate college. Literally every night, the same 61 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:51,222 dream that I forgot to do whatever I needed to do to 62 00:03:51,222 --> 00:03:54,591 graduate, and somebody's gonna find out 63 00:03:54,591 --> 00:03:58,281 despite the fact that it has been a lot more years than I 64 00:03:58,361 --> 00:04:01,922 care to admit. So there is a world where 65 00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:06,251 That guy you know looks like a 40-year-old man because he's a 40-year-old man, 66 00:04:07,085 --> 00:04:10,900 and that seems unfair to me. I do not appreciate that. 67 00:04:11,573 --> 00:04:15,421 And also, don't let old people run out of their artificial sweetener. They will get 68 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:19,092 upset and they will riot, and that gets dangerous. So I'm in this 69 00:04:19,204 --> 00:04:22,875 weird kind of suspended place. I don't even know— I 70 00:04:22,875 --> 00:04:26,145 don't even know how to describe it. It's just a place, and it is 71 00:04:26,738 --> 00:04:29,648 not a physical place. It's like a Mental, emotional 72 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:34,301 place that if you've been listening at 73 00:04:34,301 --> 00:04:38,075 all, you know that I have been caretaking for my mom a lot, which 74 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:42,092 was never supposed to be my lot in life. I said it was 75 00:04:42,188 --> 00:04:44,935 never going to be my lot in life. Not supposed to be, but I said 76 00:04:44,935 --> 00:04:47,727 I was never going to do it. And then here I am doing it, which 77 00:04:47,776 --> 00:04:51,020 is shocking to no one except me, by the way. 78 00:04:51,393 --> 00:04:55,194 Shocking to exactly no one. But for the most 79 00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:58,627 part, it's kind of her and I against the world, and that has all 80 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:02,529 sorts of implications. My husband is very instrumental and super helpful and takes 81 00:05:02,529 --> 00:05:05,820 care of a bunch of stuff for us. And I do have a brother who's 82 00:05:05,917 --> 00:05:08,999 nearby who will help out when he can, but he's not the 83 00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:12,790 decision-making type. He is not the critical thinking type. He is the be at 84 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:16,112 this place at this time and do this thing type. And so I still have 85 00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:19,370 to kind of run the show even when he's involved, which I again swore I 86 00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:22,128 would never do. And yet here we are. Yay, 87 00:05:22,899 --> 00:05:26,672 eldest daughter. I was one of the full-time caretakers for my dad. There were 88 00:05:26,672 --> 00:05:30,509 4 of us, and we were basically at his 89 00:05:30,557 --> 00:05:33,848 house taking care of him all the time except to sleep. And one of my 90 00:05:33,848 --> 00:05:37,396 siblings lived there, so he was there all the time. And then I 91 00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:40,559 came and went. I had literally just had a baby, so I would bring the 92 00:05:40,559 --> 00:05:44,268 baby back and forth, and she was literally a couple of weeks 93 00:05:44,268 --> 00:05:47,238 old. We're not talking about infant stage, like she was still a newborn, and I 94 00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:50,802 was bringing her back and forth. The anxiety was constant 95 00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:54,512 then. It was about his eventual 96 00:05:54,705 --> 00:05:58,446 demise. It was not about his day-to-day wellbeing. I was 97 00:05:58,462 --> 00:06:01,256 not concerned that while I was gone, 98 00:06:02,348 --> 00:06:06,186 something was going to happen to him other than 99 00:06:06,186 --> 00:06:09,302 the worst possible thing. Like, I was concerned that was gonna happen. That wasn't my 100 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:12,674 anxiety. My anxiety was this stage of life, the fact that he was so sick. 101 00:06:13,477 --> 00:06:16,175 But there were things that, as much as I worried all the time and it 102 00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:19,770 was stressful all the time, I didn't have to worry about. Because there were other 103 00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:22,722 humans there. And that is just not the case this time. 104 00:06:23,604 --> 00:06:27,294 It is so wildly different. And so my 105 00:06:27,294 --> 00:06:31,111 stress level about her general wellbeing is not nearly as high as 106 00:06:31,159 --> 00:06:34,239 it was when we were caretaking for my dad, because she is 107 00:06:34,897 --> 00:06:38,506 not as sick as he was by any means. But my stress 108 00:06:38,506 --> 00:06:41,714 level about her needs is 10 times higher 109 00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:45,259 because it's just me. Again, my husband does help out and I do have a 110 00:06:45,259 --> 00:06:48,854 brother who can help out, but nobody's jumping in and doing 111 00:06:48,887 --> 00:06:52,600 things unless I ask them to. Unless I'm directing traffic, nothing's 112 00:06:52,616 --> 00:06:56,407 getting done. She does do some things for herself. And so, went out of 113 00:06:56,407 --> 00:07:00,186 town 2 weeks ago, and I didn't leave anybody instructions 114 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,582 on what to do with my kid, but I left instructions on what to do 115 00:07:02,582 --> 00:07:06,185 with my mother. And like, here's the key to her house, and this is how 116 00:07:06,201 --> 00:07:08,897 you get in, and if you need to do things, and you need to text 117 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,818 her this, and ask her to do this, and make sure she does— like, I 118 00:07:12,012 --> 00:07:15,107 literally left instructions. On how to take care of my mother. 119 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:19,507 But my kids, I was like, they'll be fine. They can scrounge for Pop-Tarts. 120 00:07:19,603 --> 00:07:23,216 It's fine. They're fine. Also, like, my husband is a competent 121 00:07:23,216 --> 00:07:26,636 adult who parents and doesn't babysit, so he didn't need 122 00:07:26,829 --> 00:07:29,944 instructions from me on how to take care of our children. He's fully capable of 123 00:07:29,944 --> 00:07:33,749 doing that as a grown-ass man. I don't have that 124 00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:37,346 for my mother because that guy died, which is rude. 125 00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:41,725 So Like trying to figure out what the right level of 126 00:07:41,821 --> 00:07:45,171 anything is for her because she is 127 00:07:45,347 --> 00:07:48,377 ambulatory, she is able to get around, but she also falls 128 00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:51,968 and she's had a couple of nasty falls. She's also had a couple of just 129 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,462 like innocuous falls. Like she was fine, she just needed help getting up. 130 00:07:56,248 --> 00:08:00,063 She lives alone. There's nobody in her house with her. We considered having 131 00:08:00,111 --> 00:08:03,638 somebody move in there, but we haven't been able to figure out what the right 132 00:08:03,638 --> 00:08:07,245 balance is there. Like how much freedom does she need? I'm not letting her drive 133 00:08:07,245 --> 00:08:09,473 right now. So anytime she has to go to a doctor, I have to take 134 00:08:09,473 --> 00:08:13,020 her. Sometimes I can arrange with my I'd rather have him take her, but certainly 135 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,635 not letting her drive right now. And so it's just like 136 00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:21,117 every day is, first off, like, are we doing any of this right? Are there 137 00:08:21,117 --> 00:08:24,716 resources we should be using that I don't know about? Like, I wasn't paying 138 00:08:24,748 --> 00:08:28,363 attention to her home health company and she's supposed to be getting PT 139 00:08:28,363 --> 00:08:32,074 multiple times a week and they didn't show up for 10 days. And she 140 00:08:32,074 --> 00:08:34,869 forgot to tell me that they hadn't been there and that they had canceled a 141 00:08:34,869 --> 00:08:38,580 couple of times. And the home health company certainly didn't tell me. And I'm like, 142 00:08:38,708 --> 00:08:41,617 my goal is to get this woman back up and functioning and you guys don't 143 00:08:41,617 --> 00:08:45,441 show up for 10 days? Why do I have to manage the home health 144 00:08:45,473 --> 00:08:49,313 company to make sure that they send somebody? Who is supposed to be 145 00:08:49,313 --> 00:08:52,639 taking care of this? And so it's just stuff like that all the time. 146 00:08:52,945 --> 00:08:56,062 But my biggest fear is that she's going to fall and she's gonna fall while 147 00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:59,741 she's alone. There's little things that you just don't think about that in the 148 00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:03,550 way we live currently become this like cascading issue. 149 00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:07,801 So when she was in the hospital, she kept saying, this weird thing keeps 150 00:09:07,850 --> 00:09:10,855 coming up on my phone about my voice services not being available. 151 00:09:11,878 --> 00:09:15,194 And I reset something and the prompt went away and I figured I fixed it. 152 00:09:15,757 --> 00:09:18,977 But she said, like she had said multiple times before that, and I had been 153 00:09:18,977 --> 00:09:21,587 there when she had tried to use Siri to like unlock the front door or 154 00:09:21,619 --> 00:09:25,016 turn off lights and it, it just hadn't worked and she just wasn't 155 00:09:25,113 --> 00:09:28,800 responding. And so I went in and tried to reset Hey Siri and do all 156 00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:31,861 the things, but like as soon as that's not an immediate problem in front of 157 00:09:31,861 --> 00:09:35,438 you, you don't stop. think about the fact that your mom's voice activation is not 158 00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:38,757 working. Like, there's 10,000 other really important things to be thinking about. 159 00:09:39,206 --> 00:09:42,061 That's not the one you're thinking about. And so 160 00:09:43,039 --> 00:09:46,359 I had known there was a problem. I didn't realize it was still a problem. 161 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,854 I didn't know we needed to test for it still, but I did know that 162 00:09:50,191 --> 00:09:53,799 there was a problem or there had been a problem in the past. 163 00:09:54,665 --> 00:09:58,354 And my consistent concern is that 164 00:09:58,354 --> 00:10:01,941 she's gonna fall. And she's gonna fall and hurt herself, which has happened 165 00:10:01,957 --> 00:10:05,579 before, and I'm not gonna know, or nobody's gonna know. 166 00:10:05,837 --> 00:10:09,071 And so we're doing some things to take care of her and to take care 167 00:10:09,071 --> 00:10:11,272 of that. I check in on her all the time because it's the right thing 168 00:10:11,272 --> 00:10:14,720 to do, and I want to make sure she's okay. But like, mostly I want 169 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,378 to make sure that she's upright and that she hasn't slipped on something or whatever. 170 00:10:21,036 --> 00:10:24,698 So 2 things happened over the weekend. One of them is funny, one of them 171 00:10:24,698 --> 00:10:28,302 is less so. Saturday I wanted to make sure she had food because she had 172 00:10:28,318 --> 00:10:30,962 just come home from the hospital the day before. And so I knew she didn't 173 00:10:30,962 --> 00:10:34,199 have groceries in the house. We got her something she likes to drink, but I 174 00:10:34,199 --> 00:10:36,907 didn't think she had food. And so I texted her. I said, do you need 175 00:10:36,907 --> 00:10:40,513 lunch or groceries? And she didn't answer me. And I was like, 176 00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:45,064 okay. And so I text again. I said, hello? No answer. Sometimes she misses the 177 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,884 first one. She usually responds to the second one. So I did something I never 178 00:10:47,884 --> 00:10:51,650 do. I called her and she 179 00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:55,422 sent me to voicemail. And I was like, excuse? 180 00:10:56,129 --> 00:10:59,728 And I might have had the little Nancy Guthrie moment where I was like, did 181 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,022 somebody kidnap my mother because she just sent me to voicemail? But 182 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:07,231 went down that rabbit hole. Not that, like, if somebody kidnapped my mother, 183 00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:10,171 they would bring her back in 2 seconds. I would not worry about them keeping 184 00:11:10,187 --> 00:11:13,963 her out for long. So then she called me back probably like 5 185 00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:17,112 minutes later because I sent her a text that said, IS EVERYTHING OK? In all 186 00:11:17,112 --> 00:11:20,307 caps because she was not responding to me. And I needed to make sure that 187 00:11:20,307 --> 00:11:24,091 she was not dead on her kitchen floor. And 188 00:11:24,155 --> 00:11:27,617 I was grabbing my keys to her house. She lives close enough away that I 189 00:11:27,617 --> 00:11:31,176 can walk there in about 3 minutes. So I was 190 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,414 grabbing my keys and literally just gonna walk over there and make sure that she 191 00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:37,957 was not dead on the floor somewhere. And then she calls me back 192 00:11:38,662 --> 00:11:42,093 and I was like, are you alive? And she goes, 193 00:11:42,926 --> 00:11:46,700 yeah, I'm alive. Kind of hedged. And I was like, 194 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:51,054 are you sure? And she goes, I didn't want 195 00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:53,932 you to get mad at me, but I went out with my friend. And I 196 00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:57,313 was like, my, how the tables have turned. 197 00:11:58,182 --> 00:12:01,949 How many times did I get yelled at for the completely 198 00:12:02,046 --> 00:12:05,687 innocuous trips I took out with my friends, probably to do things similar 199 00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:09,392 to what she did with her friend on Saturday? 200 00:12:09,714 --> 00:12:13,563 That is the kind of trouble I got into as a teenager. And the number 201 00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:16,127 of times I got yelled at for going out with friends. And I was like, 202 00:12:16,271 --> 00:12:19,251 oh, oh, you went out with a friend and you didn't tell me? You didn't 203 00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:22,152 think to check in before you left? You didn't send me a text or a 204 00:12:22,152 --> 00:12:25,821 note? And she was like, well, I didn't want you to get upset. And I 205 00:12:25,821 --> 00:12:28,801 was like, well, you know, here I am thinking that you're dead on the side 206 00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:32,551 of the road. And she finally goes, I'm fine, Mom. And I was like, 207 00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:35,900 mm-hmm, mm-hmm. See what that's like? 208 00:12:36,252 --> 00:12:38,880 So anyway, she texted me a couple hours later and said she was home and 209 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,556 staying in for the night. It was like 5:30. It was not late. So she 210 00:12:42,556 --> 00:12:45,963 was in for the night. I made sure she didn't need anything. I went to 211 00:12:45,963 --> 00:12:49,626 bed kind of early, I think, feeling like, oh good, I was glad 212 00:12:49,707 --> 00:12:53,065 she got out. She was out, she was walking around, she went to 213 00:12:53,081 --> 00:12:55,893 HomeGoods and terrorized people with a shopping cart. Good for her, 214 00:12:56,793 --> 00:13:00,071 good for her. I went to bed not thinking much about it, 215 00:13:00,794 --> 00:13:04,634 and okay, we survived day 1 of whatever this 216 00:13:04,682 --> 00:13:07,620 setup is, and I'm like Constantly thinking about, all right, we need to go to 217 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,005 the gastroenterologist. She needs— I need to find her a neurologist. We need to make 218 00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:14,855 sure that the cardiologist has an appointment set up. She's not waiting for November 219 00:13:14,855 --> 00:13:18,304 to see the cardiologist. We need to find a different cardiologist. Like, this is constantly 220 00:13:18,304 --> 00:13:21,015 running through my brain. Do we need a caretaker? Do we need somebody to move 221 00:13:21,015 --> 00:13:24,560 in with her? Does she need somebody who's physically there? It's nonstop. 222 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,084 I'm asleep, and if my phone rings at night, I 223 00:13:29,196 --> 00:13:32,517 wake up. I leave my ringer on now, so like I would wake up. 224 00:13:33,463 --> 00:13:37,041 But all of a sudden my husband is standing there and he goes, 225 00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:41,292 your mom just called me. She fell in her bathroom 226 00:13:41,949 --> 00:13:45,174 and she's on the floor and she can't get up. I look at the clock, 227 00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:48,045 it's like 4 o'clock in the morning, and I'm like, what? What do you mean 228 00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:50,291 she's on the floor? 'Cause the way he was saying it, he wasn't saying she 229 00:13:50,291 --> 00:13:54,125 was hurt. He wasn't saying there was an emergency. He was 230 00:13:54,157 --> 00:13:57,959 just saying she's on the bathroom floor. And I'm like, okay, but what 231 00:13:57,959 --> 00:14:01,775 does that mean? What am I walking into? And he really didn't know. And I 232 00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:04,435 was like, why did she call you? I looked at my phone like, oh my 233 00:14:04,435 --> 00:14:07,880 God, I must have missed 7 calls from her. Nope. Nothing. 234 00:14:08,441 --> 00:14:11,630 I'm like, why did she call you? What? That doesn't even make sense. And he's 235 00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:14,738 like, I don't know. But she called me. She's like, I will go over there. 236 00:14:14,818 --> 00:14:17,366 He said, I will go over there with you. If she's in her bathroom, I 237 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,251 don't want to walk in first because I don't know what I'm going to find. 238 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,494 And I was like, that's fair, but I have no idea what the hell is 239 00:14:22,526 --> 00:14:25,859 going on. So we go over to her house and 240 00:14:26,693 --> 00:14:30,142 She's in the bathroom and she's laying flat on the bathroom floor. 241 00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:34,281 It was terrifying. There was nothing wrong, but it was just the way she was 242 00:14:34,313 --> 00:14:36,960 laying. She was laying like basically like starfished on the bathroom floor. 243 00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:41,531 And I didn't turn on the light before I got 244 00:14:41,531 --> 00:14:45,365 to her. So I went over 245 00:14:45,365 --> 00:14:48,974 to her and I guess she had put like a shirt behind her 246 00:14:48,974 --> 00:14:52,584 head because she couldn't sit up and she didn't wanna have her head on the 247 00:14:52,584 --> 00:14:55,887 hard floor. But the way it looked with the 248 00:14:55,887 --> 00:14:59,640 shadows, it looked like there was a pool of blood behind her head. And so 249 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,569 I freaked the fuck out and then turned on the light and realized it was 250 00:15:03,585 --> 00:15:07,048 like a navy blue t-shirt. And I was like, oh dear fucking God. 251 00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:11,346 Oh my God. I think I got her sitting up. I don't 252 00:15:11,346 --> 00:15:15,179 remember. I know that I texted her and she didn't open the front door, which 253 00:15:15,211 --> 00:15:17,600 she can do from her phone, which told me she didn't have her phone with 254 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,449 her. So I had no idea how she called my husband. And so 255 00:15:21,449 --> 00:15:25,251 then he brought me the key, 'cause I didn't even think to grab it, and 256 00:15:25,379 --> 00:15:28,155 I let myself in, and that's when I found her on the bathroom floor. She 257 00:15:28,187 --> 00:15:31,732 wasn't hurt, but she had slipped and she couldn't get back up, and then 258 00:15:31,732 --> 00:15:35,245 eventually she got so exhausted from trying to get up that she just 259 00:15:35,245 --> 00:15:38,437 basically laid down on the bathroom floor. And she said she'd been down there for 260 00:15:38,453 --> 00:15:41,838 a really long time. Nobody knows how long a long time is. I have no 261 00:15:41,838 --> 00:15:45,383 idea. So both my husband and I tried to get her up, and we were 262 00:15:45,383 --> 00:15:49,136 not able to. We could have Literally lifted her, but she's 263 00:15:49,136 --> 00:15:52,503 just in such a weird kind of body habitus that everything hurts her. 264 00:15:53,129 --> 00:15:56,304 And she like screamed when we tried to get her up cuz it was hurting 265 00:15:56,336 --> 00:15:59,318 her shoulder and whatever. And we finally got to the point where we're like, we 266 00:15:59,318 --> 00:16:03,054 have to call somebody to help. So 4 o'clock, 4:30 in the morning 267 00:16:03,471 --> 00:16:06,822 on a Sunday morning, I had to call 911 268 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,024 and they got there very quickly. And I don't, maybe this is just an Orlando 269 00:16:11,024 --> 00:16:14,696 thing. I said this to someone today who insisted that this must just be a 270 00:16:14,856 --> 00:16:17,876 Either an Orlando or a Florida thing. But when we call 271 00:16:19,048 --> 00:16:22,806 for medical support via 911, 272 00:16:22,822 --> 00:16:26,516 so anything that affects like EMT 273 00:16:26,596 --> 00:16:29,969 paramedics, they send both the truck, 274 00:16:30,371 --> 00:16:34,113 the fire truck, and the ambulance, and they're 275 00:16:34,145 --> 00:16:37,726 both full. So anytime, like we were literally 276 00:16:37,758 --> 00:16:40,922 just calling cuz I needed somebody to help me lift her up off the floor. 277 00:16:41,613 --> 00:16:45,449 But they sent 8 people and they're all very nice. They all have different 278 00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:48,821 roles. They're all responsible for different things. I get that. And I guess they just 279 00:16:48,821 --> 00:16:52,176 wanna be prepared, but it is so many people. 280 00:16:53,315 --> 00:16:56,911 And so these guys come in, they were able to very 281 00:16:56,927 --> 00:17:00,716 quickly get her back up. They gave her some time. They checked her blood pressure 282 00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:03,397 to make sure that her blood pressure was high, but her blood pressure's always high. 283 00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:07,105 Also, she had just been lifted off the floor by several burly men, so that 284 00:17:07,201 --> 00:17:10,046 could make your blood pressure a little high. The people who came were great. 285 00:17:10,858 --> 00:17:14,689 She was fine. Anytime this happens, because 286 00:17:14,705 --> 00:17:18,423 she's geriatric, they do what's called a mental status 287 00:17:18,423 --> 00:17:21,754 exam where they ask certain questions that you have to answer 288 00:17:22,222 --> 00:17:26,066 so that they can make sure that you're oriented to all 4 planes. 289 00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:31,071 Time, place, person. I'm forgetting one anyway, 290 00:17:31,492 --> 00:17:34,449 but alert and oriented times 4 is what they're looking for. So. So they ask 291 00:17:34,449 --> 00:17:38,155 you where you are, they ask you what your name is, they ask a 292 00:17:38,203 --> 00:17:41,684 couple of other things. And then the last one they always ask, or the second 293 00:17:41,732 --> 00:17:45,278 to last one, is the one that they always give up on because every time 294 00:17:45,326 --> 00:17:49,016 they ask her who the president is, she says something along the lines of, that 295 00:17:49,016 --> 00:17:52,802 guy can go to hell. And then they go, okay, she's fine. She 296 00:17:52,802 --> 00:17:56,621 knows. And so I was giving all of her information to one of 297 00:17:56,653 --> 00:18:00,391 the paramedics and I hear them start doing the mental status exam. And 298 00:18:00,568 --> 00:18:03,683 I was like, he asked me something about her medications and I went, 299 00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:08,372 her medications are, hold on, she's about to yell. And then like clockwork, I 300 00:18:08,436 --> 00:18:11,102 hear her go, that guy can go to hell. And I was like, yeah, that's 301 00:18:11,102 --> 00:18:14,152 what I expected. And the guy goes, did they just ask her who the president 302 00:18:14,152 --> 00:18:17,043 is? And I said, yep. And he goes, yeah, we get that a lot. So 303 00:18:17,043 --> 00:18:20,639 anyway, they left her there because she's fine. They said, will you sign this form 304 00:18:20,639 --> 00:18:23,995 to say that you did not wanna be taken to the hospital? She said, 305 00:18:24,011 --> 00:18:27,769 absolutely. She got in bed. She promised me she would not get out of bed 306 00:18:27,785 --> 00:18:31,478 without notifying me so that I could come over if she needed help. And then 307 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:35,155 she was able to get up and around on her own that day. And then 308 00:18:35,171 --> 00:18:38,928 the next night I said, I'm probably gonna come sleep at your house tonight because 309 00:18:40,068 --> 00:18:43,055 I don't want you getting up in the middle of the night by yourself. To 310 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:46,716 which, this is so unlike my mother. My mother is usually like, you want to 311 00:18:46,732 --> 00:18:50,296 come spend time with me and dote over me and whatever? 312 00:18:50,585 --> 00:18:54,069 Absolutely. And she was like, no, you absolutely will not. You are going to sleep 313 00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:56,702 in your own bed. You do not need to come sleep here. I will be 314 00:18:56,702 --> 00:19:00,003 fine. And I was like, that might be a sign of some neurologic 315 00:19:00,292 --> 00:19:04,009 problem. Are you okay? Are you sure you're— this is the, this is what 316 00:19:04,298 --> 00:19:07,887 other parents do. This is not what you do. What is happening here? But I 317 00:19:07,903 --> 00:19:11,221 said, okay, then do not go to bed without your watch. 'Cause that was part 318 00:19:11,221 --> 00:19:14,410 of the thing. So when she fell, and this is part of like 319 00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:18,977 all of the things you just don't think about, when she fell, she 320 00:19:18,977 --> 00:19:21,444 didn't have her watch on. She hadn't been wearing it because she'd been in the 321 00:19:21,444 --> 00:19:25,198 hospital. And she has an Apple Watch that has done an excellent 322 00:19:25,215 --> 00:19:28,905 job of notifying us when there are problems before, but also her 323 00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:32,677 Hey Siri was not working. So the reason she ended up calling my husband 324 00:19:32,677 --> 00:19:36,383 instead of me is because she just kept screaming for Siri to 325 00:19:36,464 --> 00:19:40,123 call somebody. It finally listened when 326 00:19:40,155 --> 00:19:43,011 she said Kyle's name the 10th or 12th time. 327 00:19:44,086 --> 00:19:47,922 So it just wasn't being reliable, and that's 328 00:19:47,922 --> 00:19:51,504 the one that it happened to catch. So it's like these little things, like who 329 00:19:51,504 --> 00:19:55,335 would ever think to be concerned that Siri isn't working on your 330 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:59,360 septuagenarian mom's phone? And then it's like 331 00:19:59,425 --> 00:20:03,184 the one time it's not working, we have an actual problem. And so 332 00:20:03,781 --> 00:20:07,380 there's stuff we just have to consider all the time that I never would've even 333 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,403 thought to care about before. But she did do okay the next day. 334 00:20:12,082 --> 00:20:15,913 She did okay the next night. She made all the appointments she's supposed to make. 335 00:20:15,978 --> 00:20:19,586 She did all the things that she's supposed to do. She's not. Having issues cognitively. 336 00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:23,489 It's all physical. But it's this weird suspended place to 337 00:20:23,505 --> 00:20:27,135 be of, oh, that thing you were scared about that you 338 00:20:27,135 --> 00:20:30,636 told yourself over and over you were probably overreacting about? Oh, that happened. 339 00:20:31,327 --> 00:20:34,459 So now what do you do? I don't have space in my house to move 340 00:20:34,507 --> 00:20:37,864 her in here. I don't. We are bursting at the seams. 341 00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:42,201 I could move in with her, but I have kids. 342 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:46,891 My kids deserve as much of me as my mom does, probably more. 343 00:20:47,237 --> 00:20:50,939 Actually, lots more. I do have this guy I'm married to who 344 00:20:50,955 --> 00:20:54,625 I want to see like occasionally, not that often. He'd be obnoxious. But 345 00:20:54,673 --> 00:20:58,479 like for the most part, I do enjoy having him around. And so just 346 00:20:58,479 --> 00:21:02,277 like moving out isn't an option. Moving out to take care of my mom is 347 00:21:02,455 --> 00:21:06,243 really not an option. But like the thing happened. The thing 348 00:21:06,502 --> 00:21:09,733 that I have been telling myself over and over is not going to happen and 349 00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:13,352 this is fine, it happened. And what do we do now? I'm 350 00:21:13,528 --> 00:21:17,347 genuinely not sure what we do now. Are there old people night nurses? I 351 00:21:17,347 --> 00:21:20,764 don't know. I think there actually are. But also, like, 352 00:21:21,486 --> 00:21:24,839 hiring somebody to be in your house all the time kind of sucks. 353 00:21:25,336 --> 00:21:29,091 It's terrifying. Like, she's given her passwords to 354 00:21:29,107 --> 00:21:32,877 Russian hackers before. I don't know. So there are so 355 00:21:32,877 --> 00:21:36,487 many things, so many decisions we have to make now that I did not anticipate 356 00:21:36,487 --> 00:21:39,556 having to make at this point in my life. That I did not think I 357 00:21:39,556 --> 00:21:43,262 would end up responsible for. And 3 or 358 00:21:43,262 --> 00:21:46,379 4 days ago, I was worried about a thing that I had no proof was 359 00:21:46,427 --> 00:21:50,222 going to happen. And now I am worried about a thing that actually very 360 00:21:50,222 --> 00:21:53,934 much did happen. And that is so much 361 00:21:54,047 --> 00:21:57,428 worse. It's so much worse. And so 362 00:21:58,458 --> 00:22:01,115 am I just gonna have to bite the bullet and move in with her for 363 00:22:01,115 --> 00:22:04,730 a little while? So while we figure this out, I don't know. Are we gonna 364 00:22:04,730 --> 00:22:07,847 have to find a full-time person to live there? Can we find like a nursing 365 00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:11,414 student who needs a place to live who might 366 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,479 wanna get paid to live there and help her out? Maybe. I don't know. 367 00:22:16,475 --> 00:22:20,315 But like, there are ways to solve these problems and 368 00:22:20,652 --> 00:22:24,348 none of them are good. Like my husband and I have talked for a 369 00:22:24,412 --> 00:22:27,561 long time about the fact that eventually we are going to have to get a 370 00:22:27,561 --> 00:22:30,965 house big enough for both my mom and his mom. We've known that 371 00:22:31,190 --> 00:22:35,006 since we got married. It's a conversation we have every couple 372 00:22:35,006 --> 00:22:38,132 of months. Are we getting to that point? And we started taking it seriously a 373 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:41,756 year or two ago, but it's not like something we can do. We can't 374 00:22:41,756 --> 00:22:44,914 just build onto our house and end up with a house big enough. 375 00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,714 It's not gonna happen. We're either gonna have to buy a new house or build 376 00:22:48,714 --> 00:22:52,258 a new house that has a private space for one of them, a private space 377 00:22:52,258 --> 00:22:55,865 for the other one. And then we've always assumed that it would be 378 00:22:55,865 --> 00:22:59,634 like a separate unit where they would each have a separate space that's 379 00:22:59,634 --> 00:23:03,198 disconnected from the house, but that's not 380 00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:07,084 better than her living 2 blocks away. It's a 30-second commute 381 00:23:07,084 --> 00:23:10,825 rather than a 3-minute commute, but it's the same thing. Like, she's still not in 382 00:23:10,857 --> 00:23:13,282 the house. She's still by herself. 383 00:23:14,550 --> 00:23:18,260 Anyway, so yeah, that's where we are, and that's what we're 384 00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:21,920 doing and what we're trying to survive through. But it is a weird 385 00:23:21,953 --> 00:23:25,580 suspended place to be in where Sandwiched 386 00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:29,382 between our parents and our children, trying to do the best by 387 00:23:29,398 --> 00:23:32,991 everybody. And I just wanna go on the record to say raising 388 00:23:33,104 --> 00:23:36,793 parents is 1,000 times harder than raising children. 389 00:23:37,435 --> 00:23:41,092 If my kids get extra mouthy, I can literally just pick them up and move 390 00:23:41,124 --> 00:23:44,525 them. They are both very thin and very small 391 00:23:44,717 --> 00:23:48,471 comparatively. One of them's tall and thin, the other one is just 392 00:23:48,487 --> 00:23:51,760 thin. She has no tall in her body, but if she gets 393 00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:55,744 Completely off the rails or something bad happens, I can literally just 394 00:23:55,792 --> 00:23:59,439 pick them up regardless what the ramifications are to me 395 00:23:59,503 --> 00:24:03,246 and my body and move them. And at the end of 396 00:24:03,278 --> 00:24:06,812 the day, they are scared to do most things without me. These 397 00:24:06,812 --> 00:24:10,540 adults, these, these old people think that they are 398 00:24:10,572 --> 00:24:13,817 allowed to make decisions for themselves and that they have this like 399 00:24:14,845 --> 00:24:18,460 misguided perception that they are fully functional 400 00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:21,992 adults. Who can give their passwords away to strangers on the internet. 401 00:24:22,699 --> 00:24:26,263 And that is a different experience. So anybody who tells you 402 00:24:26,472 --> 00:24:29,764 that raising kids is the hardest thing you'll ever do has clearly not been a 403 00:24:29,764 --> 00:24:33,521 full-time caretaker for their sassy, irreverent parents who have 404 00:24:33,858 --> 00:24:37,487 all of these thoughts in their brains about what they 405 00:24:37,487 --> 00:24:40,971 should and shouldn't do with their lives and like what they should be 406 00:24:41,019 --> 00:24:44,680 allowed to do with their time and money and whatever. These 407 00:24:44,712 --> 00:24:47,795 kids don't have money. They can't do anything without me. 408 00:24:48,903 --> 00:24:52,227 These old people have money and they make bad decisions with it. 409 00:24:53,528 --> 00:24:57,333 Anyway, so that's where we are. And if you have been a caretaker, 410 00:24:57,815 --> 00:25:00,657 if you are a caretaker, if you've experienced any of this, I would love to 411 00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:04,382 hear your stories too, because I know this is far more common than I think 412 00:25:04,382 --> 00:25:07,882 we talk about. And yeah, the sandwich generation is 413 00:25:07,930 --> 00:25:11,608 not for the faint of heart. This is the wildest 414 00:25:11,608 --> 00:25:15,061 timeline yet, and I've had some pretty wild timelines. And now 415 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:18,322 we'll go to Allison, who has 416 00:25:18,916 --> 00:25:22,450 this week's Small Talk. We have a question from Nada. 417 00:25:23,076 --> 00:25:26,883 I raised my rates up 40% last month and every single client said 418 00:25:26,931 --> 00:25:30,561 yes without blinking. Now I'm angry instead of 419 00:25:30,561 --> 00:25:34,063 excited. What do I do with that? You're angry 420 00:25:34,159 --> 00:25:37,386 instead of excited? I'm just trying to process 421 00:25:37,386 --> 00:25:41,027 through why that would be the case. Is it 422 00:25:41,059 --> 00:25:44,557 because you felt like you were undercharging before and you didn't realize it, and now 423 00:25:45,407 --> 00:25:48,936 you could have been making that the whole time? I guess that's a 424 00:25:48,936 --> 00:25:52,610 valid thing to feel, but if you didn't know that you could 425 00:25:52,610 --> 00:25:56,460 charge more, or you weren't in a situation where you had to 426 00:25:56,460 --> 00:26:00,005 charge more— everybody's financial situation has changed a ton in the 427 00:26:00,005 --> 00:26:03,470 last year, especially the last 6 months, but Definitely the last year. 428 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,752 And so there's a world where the kind of 429 00:26:07,849 --> 00:26:11,666 intense need to raise your rates has become a thing more 430 00:26:11,794 --> 00:26:15,210 so in the last couple of months. Or maybe you 431 00:26:15,387 --> 00:26:19,236 changed your services. Maybe you added things that are of higher value that 432 00:26:19,236 --> 00:26:22,989 people need to pay more money for. I don't know, but you didn't do anything 433 00:26:23,101 --> 00:26:26,870 wrong and your clients certainly didn't do anything wrong if they 434 00:26:27,111 --> 00:26:30,944 paid what you charged them. And also, how awesome is it if every client 435 00:26:30,944 --> 00:26:34,755 you have was just on board for you 436 00:26:35,608 --> 00:26:38,393 charging a ton more for what you do. That means you're really good at what 437 00:26:38,425 --> 00:26:41,661 you do and you have people who think you're worth it. It sounds like maybe 438 00:26:41,661 --> 00:26:45,332 you're a little bit mad at your former self, and I understand 439 00:26:45,364 --> 00:26:48,713 that, but I don't think you need to be. You make the best decisions that 440 00:26:48,729 --> 00:26:52,531 you have available at the time, and sometimes those don't look 441 00:26:52,531 --> 00:26:55,435 like the decisions that you would have made later. And sometimes you find out that 442 00:26:55,435 --> 00:26:58,419 maybe that wasn't the best thing, but you didn't have the information to make a 443 00:26:58,419 --> 00:27:02,071 different one. That's fine. There is somebody who I really 444 00:27:02,071 --> 00:27:05,614 admire, Arlan Hamilton, and I was talking to her. She is the founder of a 445 00:27:05,614 --> 00:27:09,301 VC fund and she runs a, a bunch of entrepreneur groups that I've really enjoyed 446 00:27:09,301 --> 00:27:12,427 being part of. And I was talking to her a couple months ago 'cause I 447 00:27:12,427 --> 00:27:15,473 was in this place where I just like had to figure out, I had to 448 00:27:15,473 --> 00:27:18,791 figure out what to do next. I had to figure out where, what the right 449 00:27:18,903 --> 00:27:22,606 move for business was. I was getting more heavily into consulting. It was 450 00:27:22,670 --> 00:27:26,373 right around when we were selling the company. I wasn't getting the same kind of 451 00:27:26,373 --> 00:27:29,675 consulting work that I got before, and it wasn't the same magnitude. And I just 452 00:27:29,675 --> 00:27:31,986 kept saying, the last time I did consulting, I did this with 2023 and it 453 00:27:31,986 --> 00:27:34,973 was such a different world. It didn't work like this. This is different and I 454 00:27:34,973 --> 00:27:38,780 don't know if it's right. And finally, after like maybe the third time 455 00:27:38,828 --> 00:27:41,960 I said that, she said, why does 2023 matter? That was 3 years ago. 456 00:27:42,426 --> 00:27:46,265 Drop it. Stop worrying about 2023. What's in front of you in 2026? 457 00:27:46,441 --> 00:27:49,846 That's what matters. You can use that as a roadmap or as a guideline, but 458 00:27:50,135 --> 00:27:53,589 we can't make 2023 decisions in 2026. That's not gonna happen. 459 00:27:54,231 --> 00:27:58,038 Stop worrying about 2023. And that sounds like the same thing. If you were 460 00:27:59,194 --> 00:28:02,791 undercharging before because you didn't fully realize your worth, now you have, 461 00:28:03,225 --> 00:28:05,778 and I'm proud of you for that. And you did an amazing thing, and I'm 462 00:28:06,035 --> 00:28:09,744 so proud of you that all of your clients decided that they wanted to 463 00:28:09,744 --> 00:28:13,470 stick with you despite the fact that their bill is going to change substantially. 464 00:28:14,048 --> 00:28:17,838 Good work. Good work for doing good work. Good work for 465 00:28:17,918 --> 00:28:21,740 figuring out how much you should be charging. Good work for doing the hard thing 466 00:28:21,789 --> 00:28:25,536 and having the hard conversations about your rates changing. Good for you. You 467 00:28:25,699 --> 00:28:29,434 did all the things. You have nothing to be mad about. I'm proud of you. 468 00:28:33,470 --> 00:28:36,861 Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. Me— like, 469 00:28:37,214 --> 00:28:40,734 I literally have to put cameras in my 470 00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:44,544 mom's house to check for feet. Like, that's right. 471 00:28:44,609 --> 00:28:47,835 Like, that's— this is bizarre. This is a weird timeline.