Karen Kenney: Hey you guys, welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper excited to be with you here on this it's a super sunny day, but it's freezing outside. Oh my
God, when is it going to end? The good news is is I think daylight saving time is coming up this weekend. So we'll get a little more light. Thank you, baby Jesus, we'll get a
little more light. The days will be a little longer with some sunlight, with some daylight. Oh, my God, I can't wait. So welcome to the show. It is extra kooky out
there. So now more than ever. You guys, we need each other, and I think of this podcast is a really great anchor and a really great touchstone for us to kind of get together,
and at the very least for me to help, maybe spread a little more love in the world. Share what's on my heart and mind. Share some helpful tools. Do a little
storytelling, a little spiritual mentoring. So today, today, I don't know, I might just keep it simple and call this suck a toxic positivity. Now to be to be clear, I'm not a
huge fan of the word toxic. I think it gets thrown around a lot like, oh my god, you're so toxic. He's so toxic, and they're so toxic. So I don't really like when things
become a little too popular in the in the universal vernacular, but it is what it is. And it's easy though. It's easy to just say this, because people will be like, Oh, yeah.
Or some people might be curious and say, What is toxic pox positivity. So we're going to talk about today what it is. I'm going to give you some examples. I might even tell
you a little personal story. We'll talk just a smidge about, like, emotional intelligence and how that kind of plays into this. We'll talk about why it's harmful, why it's not
that great, why it's not helpful, and how not to inflict that shit on yourself and others. So Bucha for safety. Hopefully this is going to be a helpful episode. So first
of all, I'm a person who, and I'll talk a little bit more about this, I kind of call myself an optimistic or an idealistic, real realist. So I'm really optimistic. I think I
want to say, by nature, I think as a little kid, I was wicked optimistic. And then I think life kind of like beat it out of me a little bit. And I think there was a little
phase. There's a little phase where people who knew me and loved me and had to live with me, and where my teachers and stuff might have said I went through a phase where
I was like, negative, I had a bit of an attitude problem, and I as as Miss Lefebvre, as Kayla Feb often would say about me back in the day, you hated everything. I'd just
be like, I hate that. That's stupid. I hate that. Oh, my God. But now, I mean, I do think that I'm a wicked positive person and and I try not to dip into toxic positivity.
I'm not going to say I've never done it. I can certainly look back on my life and say, Oh yeah, there might have been times when I did not have the capacity to do thing
anything other than just hold on for dear life and try to be toxically positive. Okay, but let's, let's start this off with with kind of defining what it is. And I'm going
to give you a couple of different ones. I always like to see what the interwebs or the dictionary has to say about what it means, but so here's like three different ones.
Number one, toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is. That's one definition. Here's
another. Toxic positivity is the practice of forcing an optimistic outlook in the face of negative emotions or experiences. Now this, this part is important. It can involve
invalidating or minimizing others feelings. I would say it could also invalidate or minimize your own feelings. What is toxic positivity? It is the pressure to only
display positive emotions, suppressing any negative emotions, feelings, reactions or experiences. It invalidates human experience and can lead to trauma, isolation and
unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now I think between the three of these, they've all done a fantastic job of kind of laying it out, and what I find fascinating is the words
that they chose to use, like in the first definition, the word should right, that people should. Should maintain. And the second definition, the word forcing. And in
the third definition, it says the pressure, right? So what all this tells me is, as soon as we start to should on ourselves or anybody else, there's judgment, there's
attack, there's not that's not going to end well, that is not going to end well, my friends, oh my god, anytime we're trying to force anything, anytime we're trying to put
pressure on anything, it means we're trying to kind of go against what might feel intuitive or instinctual or natural, right? We're trying to force something else. And
look, I believe that there is power, right? There's something really wonderful. I do think that there are benefits to being optimistic, having a positive outlook. But
what happens is, is when we go into toxic positivity, it like denies us our own in a human experience, it denies others their own human experience, because it's kind of like
when people are like, we've called it like being Polly Anna ish, like, just, oh my god, everything's okay, right? People who are falsely positive, like all the time, they
put on like a facade, or they act like everything's fine, or they never want to talk about anything difficult. They always just want to keep everything surfacey and
light and like we don't talk about these things like we're not. You're basically being told that you need to abandon certain parts of yourself and leave them outside the
door, leave them outside this household, leave them outside this relationship. Leave them outside this conversation. And while having, like, having a positive outlook and
being optimistic and being able to find the silver lining, like I get it those, I think those are fantastic to have. But if you insist that people are always only positive
it is not really that fantastic for people's well being and their mental health, because you're basically asking people to deny that it's hard sometimes you're asking people to
pretend to perform right and and act as if that things aren't sometimes tough or things aren't sometimes bothering them. You know, they're not allowed to be the full
Kaleidoscope experience of themselves, as I often talk about it, like, I say, the Skittle rainbow. Like taste the whole Skittle rainbow of your human experience. We
all have painful emotions. We all have things that we are going to go through. We are all going to have tough experiences and times in our life when things are not rosy
and things are not cheery, and things are getting really real. Like, and I mean, like, capital, real realistic. Like here in this world of what we would call in spiritual
traditions, whether we call it the Maya, the illusion, or this idea of separation from self, source and spirit. You know, it can be really hard sometimes to be human, and I'm
all for and you guys know, because I'm a fan of people like David Goggins, and we'll actually talk about him in a little bit, who are all about like, let's go pick yourself
up. You can do it like, I love that, and I love that, and and it's the and that I kind of want to talk about, because when we force people or put pressure on them, or we're
trying to deny their very real human experience. It's basically like you're trying to you're trying to deny them their their right to feel what they feel, and
you're trying to kind of force them to only be a particular way. And it's usually a way that you feel comfortable with, and we'll get into that in a minute. So that's what
positive, toxic positivity is. It can look like. I'll give you some examples of it in a moment too. So I'll give you some examples, and then I'll tell you a little story. So
here's some examples of it. It takes. It takes. Obviously, there's a lot of ways that it shows up. It's a wide variety of forms, right? You might, you
might have experienced some of these in your own life. You can double Amen hands me, if you have, in fact, I've done podcasts in the past where I talked about, like, the things
that people say, right? There's just stupid shit that people say because they don't know what else to say, right? We're clumsy, we're human, right? I always say there's a reason
why, in the Catholic tradition the Lord's Prayer, there's that line like, you know, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass and. And stuff, because
it's built right in there. Jesus knew, like they're going to screw it up like, dear God bless them, they don't know what they do. There's going to be some screwing up,
because we're human and we're fallible, and we we are often hijacked by our own fear and our own ego and stuff like that. Okay, but here's some examples, maybe, and I jotted
these down, right? Okay, something unexpected happens, something bad happens. Something is going down in your life. Maybe you are going through a breakup or lost a
job, or, like, I don't know, like you didn't get the job, like, whatever the thing is, and people will say shit to you, like, oh, just stay positive. Just you know, look on
the bright side, right? They're like, immediately, kind of bypassing any kind of sympathy. And it's really like, basically what you're telling the other person is, I
hear that you're telling me that you're struggling or you're sad or you're disappointed or you're upset, but it's like putting a big but, and that word but kind of
negates anything that comes before. It's like, yeah, that's terrible, but just look on the bright side, and the other person can end up feeling like they've been shut down,
like they're not allowed to express this to you. Let's say that you're experiencing, you know, a divorce or there's been a death or a loss, right? There's some grief, there's an
experience, a trauma, a tragedy, that's creating some some grief. And people will say to you, like, well, everything happens for a reason. And they make these
statements. I mean, they make these statements because they're trying to be comforting. They don't know how to be comforting, but it's also another way of
kind of like hopping over somebody else's pain, like just kind of ignoring it, or pushing it to the side or into the corner of the room. And a lot of this speaks to not
the person who's going through the tough time, these behaviors and patterns and ways of speaking to others and stuff like that. It's really pointing to the person who's
doing the toxic positivity their own lack. And we'll talk about that in a moment. Let's say you're trying to express what I call an uncomfy feeling. Maybe it's like anger or
rage, or you're sobbing like you get, you know, the snots running down, it's getting a little messy, and when you express your sadness, you try to express your sadness or
show your tears, or, you know, be really vulnerable and open about being disappointed, or whatever, somebody else will say something to you. Well, happiness
is a choice now. Now I know for a fact I have said this, and there is a part of me though I'm about to be annoying. I'm about to be annoying. There is a part of me that
believes that in some circumstances. Now, I'm not talking about people who are clinically depressed and, you know, blah, blah, blah, I'm not going there hashtag, not
a therapist, but I'm just saying there are a lot of times when we do make ourselves miserable about things, by the way, that we insist on replaying events in our minds,
obsessing about things, choosing like, sometimes we like to sit in the shitty diaper. But I'm going to put that over to the side. If you're watching this right now,
you see me putting this thing over there. I'm making it that I'm putting that over there for a moment. Okay? Because if somebody comes to you and they're really sad
and they're really upset, and maybe this is like, the first time that they're saying this to you, because I understand, people end up getting compassion fatigue, and they
start to run out of patience when somebody just constantly, like bitches and moans and never takes any action to try to help themselves. I'm not talking about that. I'm
talking about when somebody comes to you with something real and something live and something fresh and something is happening, and they're trying to express how they feel,
and you just try to give them that fucking toxic positivity thing, like happiness is a choice, because it basically is telling them that if, if they have, if they're expressing
like these negative emotions, that it's their own fault, that we have this expectation on people who may, may or may not have the kinds of tools to do this work,
because what you're suggesting to them is they just flip the script, that they find the silver lining, that they're able. I always say, like, I always say, like, I can
flip a script like a motherfucker, right? Like, I know how to do that. And we can't just skip over the pot where they're suffering. We don't just pretend like it's
not happening. That is not helpful, which is going to lead me to like and if you can relate to any of these, just like little double Amen hands write to me, let me know.
It's kind of like people cock block your full range of emotions, like you're only allowed to be a certain way with grand. Uh, or with your father or with your siblings or
with your friends or whatever. They're just like, Yeah, the whole, the whole of you, is not allowed here. And if this happens to us when we're little kids, we end up abandoning
those more complex because we are complex creatures. We are complicated creatures. We do have a lot of feelings. We do have, like, a biochemical wash of hormones that happens
in our brain and in our body when we're feeling certain things, right? Just like, if you've ever cried like wicked had afterwards, you have sometimes, like, a
sense of lightness, right? You had like that nice chemical wash, like, move through your body. But what these people are doing when they're being toxically positive and they're
like good vibes. Only, don't get me started on that, but when they're I might get started on that in a little bit. But what's happening on that is they're basically
saying, Nope, those aspects of you, those pots of you, which are really normal and and natural, by the way, they're not allowed here. And we're going to get into why
they're not allowed here, that that lack, that lack in others that I was talking about in a moment. Okay, let me give an example. So I know a lot of people who do a lot of
difficult things, right? They can push their bodies, they can push their minds. They can like, do like feats of like, wow, that's like, amazing. Okay, so they can do a lot of
difficult physical things, but asking them to do difficult emotional things, not so much. And part of how they're able to push through and do very difficult things is they
just abandon those parts of themselves that might not be super positive or super like goal oriented. They just kind of like shove that part of themselves over there. So in
internal family systems, work, or ifs work, or pots work, some of those pots, especially those younger pots. Of them, the exiles, they kind of get abandoned, right? It's
like, sorry, you guys aren't welcome here. Okay, so there, this has happened to me in different ways, but I'm going to kind of bring together, like, I'm going to pull from
different things to make one story, just so, you know, but it's a true story. So,
you know, when you're an entrepreneur, there, there, when you work for yourself, when you are self employed, you're you are a solopreneur, and you're trying to figure
things out. Sometimes, you know, there are times when you're making really good money. And then there might be times when things get slow, and things can get a little scary,
and you're like, What am I doing? And I like, you ask my sweetie, ask Katie, ask my best friend, ask a few of my entrepreneurial friends. There have been times when I've
been like, head in my hands crying, like, Oh my God. Like, what am I doing? Does anybody even want what I'm offering? Does the world even want what I'm offering. And, you know,
it just, it can be really stressful. And there have been times when I've been just like crying my eyes out, okay? There have been other times when maybe I'm not like
sobbing or crying or like rubbing my face, like, Oh my God. But there's something weighing heavy on my hat or heavy on my mind, and I'm trying to figure out, like,
what my next right step is, and what should I do? And blah, blah, blah. And there have been times when I've talked to people, and this is why I think, you know, oh, God
bless, quote, unquote, coaches. You know, I'm a coach myself. I'm a life coach myself. I'm a change worker, right? I get it. I do this stuff for a living, but there are some
coaches that kind of force toxic positivity on you, because they actually don't know how to help you. They don't know how to help you shift out of an activated state. They don't
know how to help you actually do nervous system regulation. They don't know how to help you right to feel your feelings, to process them into then transform and to move
on to anything. They don't know how to do the somatic work. They don't know how to do the subconscious reprogramming. All they know how to do is to just try to cheer lead
you. And look, I love to cheer lead people, but giving people like a ra, ra, ra, sis, boom. Ba, but you don't actually give them any tools to help themselves is not very
helpful. So a lot of times, what people do is they just go to toxic positivity, and they basically just disregard what you're feeling. Here's an example. I remember
talking to a friend one time about one of those times when I was struggling with my business and I was trying to figure out what my next move was and what I wanted to do,
and if I was going to keep doing this or stop doing that, or go do this, or whatever. But I was really struggling, and I was nervous about money, and I had some fear,
and I was like, trying to, like, hash it out, you know? And they were asking me, like, how are you doing? And I was trying to explain to them, and I don't really like to
give too much air time to when I'm, like, stressing out and stuff like that or struggling. It's not that, it's not welcome, but I just don't like to spread it around
too much. You know what I mean? I don't like to, obviously, I don't like to inflict my stuff on other people, but this was somebody I'd known for a really long time, and I
thought, all right, I'm gonna just be vulnerable, and I'm gonna share with them how I'm feeling. And I just started trying to explain to them, like what was going on,
like kind of what I was thinking, what I was feeling. Where I was struggling, and when I tell you that I was immediately met with like a wall of toxic positivity, so there
was no I'm so sorry that you're going through this. That must be really hard. I can see why this is a big decision for you. I'm so sorry that that you're struggling in
this way. There was no Tell me more. Know what? There certainly wasn't. There was no How can I help? What can I do? Do you just want me to listen? Or do you want some you
know, do you want support, or do you want maybe some solutions? Like, none of that was offered. It was just, you'll figure it out. I don't worry about you. You got your
together. You're tough, you're smart, you'll figure it out. You got this. You got this. At that time, the last thing I felt like. I call it standing in the hallway. We all have
these times in our life when I say we're in a hallway, it's a long, skinny hallway. It's docket. Think about, like, severance. Any severance fans out there? Oh my god. I'm
obsessed with this show. If you're not watching severance, I don't even know. All I can say is stat watching it. It is so good. Love this show. It's probably one of the
best things I have ever seen on TV in my entire life. And I stand by that, okay, but if you're there's an elevator, there's this hallway that leads to this elevator. In this
whole hallway, all it is is just like Doc in black. But a lot of times I describe the hallway that I can emotionally get in and mentally get in is that it's like a long
hallway. There's a bunch of doors, but everything's painted the same color. There's no numbers on the door. There's no signs on the door. I don't know where to go or what
to do. I don't know which one to open. I don't know if I should sit down and cry or stand up and just start opening doors and wasting time, like when I'm in the hallway,
quote, unquote, in the hallway. I might have even done a podcast on this called being in the hallway, but when I'm in the hallway, it's like, I just feel totally like lost.
When I'm in the hallway, that is when I should probably just like, float. Have you ever been? Have you ever been when you were like a kid learning to swim, and you'd start
to panic, and you'd be trying to dog paddle, and your instructor would just be like, just go on your back and float. But we didn't believe that we were buoyant enough. We
didn't believe that we could do it. We were so afraid of sinking and drowning, right? So sometimes, when we're in the hallway, we should float, but a lot of times when we're
in the hallway, we're seeking answers. We want somebody to help us. We want somebody to guide us, and this is when having a DSP is really helpful, a daily spiritual
practice going within yourself and looking for the different guides we all have. Maybe I'll do a note to self. I'm going to write this down note to self, three inner guides.
Okay, I want to talk about that later, but it's a great time to kind of go within and listen for the internal instructions, the internal teacher, the divine intelligence.
But sometimes we just want somebody outside of ourselves, who we consider a friend or a sweetie or a loved one or something, somebody a coach, somebody who we quote in
that moment feel like could give us some external direction, and sometimes people are just not available to you. They skip over your pain, they skip over your confusion,
they skip over your suffering, and they go right into that positivity bullshit when it's not helpful. Okay, so I wrote a note to myself, and I said, a lot of times this
happens because they do not have their own emotional intelligence, and they also don't have a willingness to be uncomfortable. They don't know how to sit with you. I said, in
some cases, people don't know what else to say. They actually don't know how to be empathetic. And I think one of our greatest gifts as human beings that we can give to
one another is to learn how to put ourselves in other people's shoes. Now here's the reality. I won't ever know what it's like in this lifetime to to be male, to be to be
gay, to be black, to be trans, to be like, to be wicked, rich, right? There's a lot of things. To be a professional athlete, to be a mom, like of human children. I'm not going
to know those things specifically and exactly, but I'm human enough, and I understand that that emotions are universal, that I can do my best to try and put myself
in somebody else's shoes, and to be able to reflect back to them like, Yeah, that must be really hard, even if it's not actually had for you, put yourself in their shoes,
where they're at with the tools they have what's available to them. And can you empathize? Can. You be empathetic to their plight, to their position, right to the
situation that they currently find themselves in. Can you meet them there? I also said, if somebody doesn't know how to be with their own feelings, meaning, a lot
of times, people will start to feel a particular way, and they shut it down. They're like, nope, not doing that, they have shame about how they feel. They feel
guilty for not feeling more grateful, or whatever it is for not being happy and positive, right? And they just shut it down. And if people don't know how to sit with
their own feelings, if they don't know how to be with their own feelings, or even if they're not willing to feel their stuff, then it's highly unlikely that they're going
to be able to hold that kind of space for you, that compassionate space that kind of allows the wholeness of you, right? Meaning, like, I don't want to say the wholeness,
because I mean that in a different way, the fullness of your spectrum, right? Like the full spectrum of rainbow Skittle emotions, because if they can't even hold space for
their own feelings, they certainly cannot do it for you. And a lot of times that's a them problem. However, because you're the one that is feeling a lack in that moment,
you're feeling insecure or unsure, or you don't know what your next step is, and you're confused, and you're looking for advice, and you've kind of done this power
dynamic where now you've shifted the wisdom and the knowledge and the solution and the source of the ending of your suffering onto them, and they just say to you, Be positive,
be happy. You'll figure it out. Like whatever you you end up feeling like it's a you problem
when somebody else does not extend, right? Some support. And it doesn't have to be that we fix people's problems for them, but if we're not willing to sit with them, and it
doesn't mean that you don't hold a vision in your mind, right? And let me say it like this. So as a spiritual mentor, when somebody is suffering, when somebody is
bumping up against something, and I don't And when somebody is going through something, one of the best things that I can do for them is, in my mind, hold them as I
believe they really are, hold them at their highest potential, in who they really I as one of God's kids, as the light of the world is part of the universe as an intelligent,
right, intuitive being, right? So I hold them in my mind as happy, healthy, healed, whole and holy. I try to see them there, because the best that you can see somebody
in your own mind. So this is very A Course in Miracles principle. I've heard other people like John overdurf say this as well, via Melissa Tia's right? Is that the best
that you can see somebody or perceive somebody in your mind is the best that they can actually be in your presence. So you try to hold them in your mind in that way. But
it doesn't mean that you don't get on the floor and you don't get down in the dirt with them, and it doesn't mean that you energetically, quote, unquote,
energetically, or mentally or whatever, right? Because when somebody is drowning, you drowning with them is not helpful. You want to stay buoyant enough that you can
pull them up, that you can try to help them, right? But you've gotta also be able to be empathetic enough and sympathetic enough that you can say to them, I can understand
how hard this must be, and even though I can't know exactly what it feels like to be you know that I'm here for you. I'm here with you. You're not alone, right? You don't
have to walk through this alone, because there's a difference between optimism and holding a positive vision and just being totally toxic. Being optimistic is like
there's a solution to this, and I don't know what it is, but we'll figure it out together. Or I'm here, if you need to talk, you don't have to go through this alone,
right? I believe that there will be an outcome to this. We might not understand what it is right now, whatever, there's a difference between having, like, leaning
towards happiness and optimism and positive outcomes, versus just forcing it on somebody way too soon, because that's when it becomes harmful. Let's talk about that. Okay, so why
is it? Why is toxic positivity not so soothing to be on the receiving end of whether we're inflicting it on ourselves or others, because it can harm people. It's
harmful because it can be harmful. It's harming to people when they're going through something really difficult or something really stressful, when somebody is trying to
share in a vulnerable moment a genuine a genuine human emotion, when they're looking for support, and they are basically like, sorry. They're spiritually bypass, or
they're dismissed, or they get ignored, or they get told outright that this isn't true. That's not how it is. Don't worry about it when they when they end up walking away
feeling invalidated. Here's the thing that happens you. Especially if you are a person who is not good at asking for help. If you are somebody who has learned to be through
your own because of your own experiences as a child or whatever, are coming up to be hyper, hyper independent, right? Right? Like you are wicked, independent. I don't need
help. I don't need I don't I can do it all myself. I'll figure it out. Right? Hello, I was one of those kids, right? So when you're somebody who's like that, and then you
basically start to feel enough nervous system safety where you're like, okay, this person is my friend. This person says they love me. I'm going to risk this and be
vulnerable and ask for some help and share how I'm really feeling, and they take a big old toxic positivity dump on you. That person might never ask for help again,
because if they start to feel shamed right from the outside. If they start to feel ashamed, or they start to feel ashamed like internally, there is a really good chance
that that they will not they won't tell another person again, because they'll going to be taught in that, that that in that moment, that what they're feeling is not
allowed. Sometimes, when you feel like it's just not attractive, like, why are you being so dramatic? Oh, my God, you're too much. Like you are too much it's gonna be. They're
basically being told who you are and what you feel is unacceptable. They need to know humans just basically need to know that what they're feeling, that their emotions are
valid, and that when they come to you, whether you are a friend, whether you are a family member, whether you're a sweetie, somebody you're dating, whether it's your
support group, your AA meeting, your the NASS, right, when you're in that kind of a group, a community, they're looking for some sort of support, community, connection,
relief. They're wanting to feel loved, just as they are, even with their big, messy, confusing emotions. And if we just try to pour that pink paint all over them, as they
often say, just pour Oh, it's all gonna be okay. There's nothing wrong here, like, Don't look behind the curtain, right? It can create it's shaming. It's shaming. It's not,
it's not, it's not soothing at all. It also makes people form what I would call survival mechanisms, what other people will call avoidance mechanisms, meaning that they'll
basically learn that those emotions aren't allowed, and that when I am in my full self expressing these things, it makes other people uncomfortable. So instead of talking
about them, I'm just going to do what I the term I have coined. I wrote, it's in my memoir, actually. And I called this survival strategy, sucking it up and stuffing it
down. And that's what they'll start to do. They'll start to realize that they're going to turn they're going to turn those things in on themselves. And this is how a lot of
us end up, right with this is what they say that women more, I don't, I don't know the exact number, so I don't even want to use it, but just say women, just say women way
more than men, because we believe we're supposed to be able to do it all and figure it all out and multitask and do all the shit for everybody else all the time, right? When
we find that we're not actually capable of that, and we feel guilt and shame for not having it all together all the time and knowing everything right? Not you know it's
like learning that it's okay to not be okay, right? But we think we, quote, unquote, should be able to do it all. And if we find out we don't, it's why women, more than men,
at a shocking rate, have more autoimmune disorders. And learning to say no, PS is a little PSA on the side, learning to say no and really letting your no be a no and
letting your yes be a yes, is healing in and of itself. Self love is healing in and of itself. So because if we learn that these feelings are not welcome out there with
people who, quote, unquote, supposedly love us, then what will happen is we'll start to deny them within ourselves. We'll deny them. I love D word. I love alliteration. If you
haven't noticed, we'll deny them. We'll discount them. We'll what's the other word? Pretend that they're not happening. Put on a fake Happy, happy face all the time. And you
might know a person like this, I often talk about the kind of people who are, quote, unquote, always performing, that they're happy, that underneath that, there is a rage
that you cannot imagine, when people mired themselves and they just do. Everything for everybody all the time. They just act like everything's fine underneath that. When I
tell you there is a rage, there is a rage that is not allowed to be expressed, so they just dismiss it. They just, they just suck it up and stuff it down in themselves.
Because they're taught that. We're taught that as little kids, right? When you were the easy one, when you were the one that nobody had to worry about. And I've said
this before. I've had people say to me like, You're tough. You'll get through this. You, I don't worry about you. You got the tools. You got the you. I don't worry about you.
And I'll sometimes be like, You should worry about me a little bit. Check on your strong friends. Check on your tough friends. Check on your friends that look like to the
outside world, that they make it look so easy, and they got it all figured out. Okay? Check on them once in a while. Worry about us a little tiny bit. Check in with us once
in a while. Okay. The other thing that why toxic positivity can be harmful to people is that it doesn't allow people to actually know that they can have difficult feelings
and come out on the other side of them. There's no room for emotional intelligence growth. There's no room for people to learn that they can survive difficult times
when we just try to skip over the hard paths. That's not loving when we just try to skip over and spiritually bypass I see it right now in the spiritual community. Right
what's going on with Trump and mosque and the government and all the bullshit and all the horror and all the thing? It's like a daily assault on people's nervous system.
And there are people who say, like, I think it's fascinating. I think it's fascinating. You know, I think Americans in general, there's certain things they don't like to
talk about. They don't like to talk about money, right? That meaning, like, they don't like to tell you, like, about their finances. So, money, food, sex, religion,
politics is these things they like. If you ever grew up in a family, it's like, oh, we don't talk about that. We don't talk about that. I'm like, this is a shit that we
really should be talking about. And there are a lot of people who think that politics is not spiritual. It's not spiritual to talk about politics. I'm like, Look, politics is
in everything who you get to marry, right? What the air you breathe that's political, the water, the environment, the food that's available, political, political, political,
right? It's, it's politics. Is life. Now I understand. I'm not going to go down a huge rabbit hole. I understand separation of church and state that makes sense, but to
the people who the people who have spiritual practices, the people who are doing critical thinking, the people who are paying attention and becoming more aware and want
to be part of the solution, The helpers, the spiritual people, the quote, unquote miracle workers. And I'm not saying like the people who learn to shift their mind out of fear to
love, right? These are the people you want involved in politics. So to just bypass it and say, Man, we don't talk about that. It's not very spiritually evolved. I'm sorry.
It's just the truth. Here's the other thing you see online a lot where people are like, Oh my god. Everybody's just posting negative stuff on Facebook. Everybody's just put it's
not negative, it's what's going down. And they are reflecting on it. They are talking about it. They are reporting. They are basically saying, Hey, you might want to
fact check this. I think it's so fascinating that people nowadays equate human reactions, humans emotions, human experiences. Talking about politics is negative. Oh, there's so
much negativity out there. Well, if you don't think it's negative, that you can't handle emotions and you can't process them, so you just try to pretend like we're just
gonna rah, rah, rah. Sis, boom. Ba, which is a great time to talk about like Goggins. So those of you who know that I love David Goggins, if you don't know who David Goggins
is, you can look him up. He has a really interesting he, first of all, he's a really interesting guy, uh, former former Navy SEAL, like 1000 other things really well
known for doing, like, really unbelievable things with this body, ultra marathons, ultra distances. The guy, like, hops out of planes to put out fires. He's, like, been
like, you know, the the the forest, firemen, people, it's been an EMT. He's like, he's like, I call him one of the kick ass, one of the ass kickers on my spiritual team. He's
the one who's like, who's going to carry the boats, right? So Goggins really doesn't allow for a lot of weakness within himself. Mm. And I think a lot of people paint a
picture of him in a particular way, which is Goggins. Would say, Go Goggins would say, do the thing, God. I mean, this is a guy who runs when all of his toenails have fallen
off his body, and he's shitting down his own legs and he's bleeding, right? I mean, he's hardcore tough and and if you follow Him enough and you really look at what he's
saying, He's not telling other people to put themselves in harm's way all the time. The reason why he is the way that he is is because he's battling himself. But he'll
also talk about those vulnerable moments when he says, I get up in the morning and I sit there for a half an hour staring at my sneakers, like I just stare at those shoes,
and I'm like, I do not want to put those on right. And then he gets up and he does it, but he allows enough of his own humanity to be seen that he's not just a robot. You
understand that the way that he is now is because he is responding to, some might say, reacting to, but both maybe about who and how he used to be, and he's like, I need to
stay on top of myself so I don't slip. Because I know if I give that mother an inch that old, me an inch, we are going backwards, and it's not going to end well,
right? But I don't see him as a positive vibes only any but when I see people wearing those shirts that say positive vibes only, or I see a bump a stick inside of me, I just
think to myself, run, run as fast as you can in the other direction, because that is for people who do not know how to sit with other people's full spectrum of who they really
are. When you say good vibes only, no, I'm sorry. I'm not going to say that when the world's on fire and people are being denied the right to marry who they love, and
they're pulling, you know, teaching about slavery and the truth of who we have been as white people in America when they're like, we're not teaching that anymore. We're not
going to teach it because it's stressful for the kids. No, if we do not do this, we are going to end up in a shitload of trouble if you just want to walk around being like good
vibes, only white people only. We're in big fucking trouble. Oh my God. Now I'm not saying I should make right now. I'm going to make the correction so people don't come
from me. I don't need the internet people coming for me. I'm not saying that positive vibes only is just a white people thing, and white people are bad. And I'm not saying all
that. I'm just saying you tend to see that stuff in the new age or the wellness or the spiritual I'm doing all these air quotes communities right? So when people are when
people are dealing with things like an illness or a diagnosis or a disappointment or a job loss or they're having money trouble or whatever, that is, not the time
when they need to be told, hey, just pick yourself up by the Bootstrap. Oh yeah, good vibes only No, because that's mean. That's mean. That is borderline cruel. It is not
helpful. That's you inflicting your inability to sit with your own stuff, right? I remember one time. I remember one time being at the funeral of one of my uncles.
And this was this, this uncle. I think he was my godfather, but this uncle was no longer married to my auntie. They had been not together for a lot of years. My
grandmother did not allow for any sort of weakness. This has kind of been a theme in my life with different people in my life, which is really common, though, for blue
collar kids growing up in a mill, Mill City, right, growing up in Lawrence, mass, for mass, whole kids. None of this is unfamiliar, but my grandmother was tough,
and she so we're I'll never forget we're standing graveside. We're standing graveside, and it's like my two cousins whose dad had died, my my aunt, my
grandmother's next to her. I'm right behind them. Then it's my sister and like whoever else right and my aunt, who used to be married to this man, is sobbing. She's
crying. And she's crying, of course, because this is somebody she used to love and be married to. I mean, she's been remarried for a gazillion years, but that's not the point.
And she's also crying for her sons, who are upset, who are losing their father. I'll never forget my grandmother leaning over grabbing, like grabbing. I'm making a little
claw with my hand, and I'm making my mouth very tight. She grabbed, I'm gritting my teeth. She grabbed my aunt by the arm, and she said, you stop that crying, right now.
You need to be strong for those boys. You stop it. And I thought, oh, for fuck sake. This explains so much. This explains so much about my family and. It right, not allowed
your feelings, not okay, not allowed. And in some cases, that kind of behavior is not only not soothing, not helpful, it's not only causes more harm, as we were talking
about, that shit can be downright abusive when you try to there's this video, there's this video, oh my god, that I saw online one time. And I know it's meant to be funny, and
I know in one light, you could kind of chuckle at it, and it's like,
but when you really break down, kind of what seems to be happening. There's this little girl in this video, and I don't know if she was told no or whatever the thing is, but
like, she's crying, and she's like, really crying, and she's feeling her feelings. But then something happens. I don't know if the parent says something, but as she's crying,
she's like, No, I'm really happy, like that. I'm really happy. And everybody thinks it's really funny, and I'm thinking, oh my god, oh my God. Now look, I'm not judging that
parent. I don't really know what was going on, but my hat just kind of got, like, squeezed. It was like, oh. Because even though this, like, or you see things where
parents are trying to, like, talk their kids out of what they're actually feeling, it's like, here's the thing, an emotion, you know, the science says, the science says
that emotion only takes about 90 seconds. And let's be generous and say two minutes, right? Takes about two minutes, 90 seconds to two minutes to literally chemically wash
through you. Okay? But if this, and I'm just like, Okay, let it wash through you. Now I can. I can only speak for myself. A lot of the reasons why when I cry, if I'm crying
about something I'm really upset about, because when I get angry, I cry. Obviously, when I'm sad I cry, and also when I'm happy, I cry. But let's say I'm crying for
something that's not soothing, right? There's a reason. Now, a lot of times, if I cry and just let myself really go full out for like a minute or two, right? Just really
cry. I'll eventually go like, and I'll take a big breath and I'll I'll breathe it out twice as long, and my nervous system will start to calm down and regulate. I usually
will start crying again when I start rep, picturing in my mind the thing that upset me, or rehearing in my mind, I'm basically re triggering myself. Now, to be clear,
there's caveats to this, right, of course, of course. If somebody just died, there's awful news. Grief is going to take as long as it takes. I'm not saying we should rush
this process and time ourselves and be like, Oh, it's been 90 seconds. Get over it. However, just realize that a lot of times, the reason why right in these situational
things, in these little situational things, reason why we keep crying is, I jokingly say I keep triggering myself. Okay, but let's say somebody is starting to cry and you
immediately, like my grandmother, grab an arm or tell them no or you're not available. You are not open for business if you if they do not feel safe, because you try to toxic
positivity them right out of the room, if you just spiritually bypass right over there suffering. It's not helpful you guys. And it sometimes can be, like, sometimes it's done
in a really aggro way, like it's really aggressive, but sometimes it's really subtle and very passive aggressive, like, they're basically just hot potatoing it right back
to you. They're just like, yeah, no, I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm not helping you. So they just brush things off. They just brush things off rather than facing
them. We do this to ourselves too, right? We do this to ourselves. Sometimes it is a learned behavior where we learn to just suck it up and stuff it down. We brush off how
we're feeling rather than facing how we're feeling rather than dealing with it. We also learn to hide our true feelings because we've learned that they're not welcome. So
you see a lot of this online, right, especially on Instagram, where there's a lot of, like, pictures and memes about things, where it's just like, oh yeah, good vibes
only, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's like, oh my god. So what we don't want to do is we don't want to minimize our own feelings or other people's feelings. If you
start to get uncomfortable with other people's emotions, right? I'm not saying not everybody hashtag, not a therapist, right? Not everybody is trained, or anything like
that, to do that. And there might be times when you'll be like, I am so sorry. Like, I'm not equipped to do this. I don't know how to handle this. You know, whatever you
know. Sometimes it is better for somebody to maybe talk to a therapist about particular things or whatever, but usually, oftentimes, people just want to be heard and they want
to be seen, and they want to know that their feelings are valid and their feelings matter, and we don't want to shame people and force a positive attitude on them,
because it's timing right time. Is so important, and if somebody does that to you, if you're like on the receiving end of that kind of toxic positivity, I hope that you
can start to recognize it for what it is. You know, I'm a fan of stoic philosophy, but being a stoic doesn't mean that you don't feel anything. In fact, people be used to it
philosophy, because they do feel so bigly, as I would like to, they're bigly feelings. And when we're in our bigly feelings, having some tools to help us regulate our nervous
system, to help us get back in our right mind can be really powerful. But we also don't want to be spouting things off to people like in the moment when they first
come to us and they're sad, or they're trying to figure something out, and they come to us for help, all right? It can be used as a coping mechanism. And look, I try
not to do extremes. There are times when you are going to have to suck it up and stuff it down for that time, right? There have been times when I've been on, you know, a way to
teach something, or speak somewhere, or do something, and I get some news and I just have to, like, voom and just like, pull it together. There have been times when I've
gotten bad news and I've gone to a yoga class and I come in the door and I just start crying. I allow myself to be human and to be vulnerable and stuff like that. But
there are just times when it's like, those people are not paying for your tias, right? They are paying for you to show up and do your thing and do what you do. So sometimes
it's okay to, like, maybe delay for a tiny bit of time, right? Like, okay, I just gotta get through this talk, or I gotta get through this phone call, this zoom call, or
whatever the thing is, and then I'm going to allow myself to feel my feelings, but we do not want to inflict it on others. You know, there's that saying, right? Remember, it's
okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel our feelings. And one of the other things too, is learning how to manage our emotions. And this is like, you know, in part of the work.
It's part of the work that I do as a spiritual mentor, is helping people with different tools to learn how to self regulate, but not bypassing. We don't skip
over the hard paths, right? We talk about it first, and then when we feel like, okay, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have now created a habit or a pattern of being
this way, and I'm ready, like, it's their decision, not because they've been shamed, not because whatever, it's because they're like, Yeah, I've spent enough time here,
like I'm ready now to maybe try something different, right? To first go into the intelligence of what you're feeling, because there's a lot of wisdom. There can be a lot
of wisdom in the body I'm tapping my chest. It can be a lot of wisdom in your gut and in your hat, and in your brain, the body, right, holds it has its own intelligence,
and we often will cut off a lot of access to that intelligence because we've deemed it right. We've deemed it not whatever. And you can just see it. I mean, you can just see it
acting out on a larger world stage. And I always think it's a hysterical PS, that men say that women are too emotional to lead, because if you've been paying attention,
you're seeing some leaders who are losing their shit, and men, whatever, whatever, it's all a racket. It's all a racket. Okay? And we're back. Sorry. I just had to say
that, and we're back. So here are the things that we want to learn to do, get become a better listener. Focus on learning how to listen to others if they come to you, learn
how to listen for yourself. Listen to what's going on inside of you. Let's not just should ourselves. Let's not pressure ourselves going right back to where we
started, right all those words, what did I say? There was a should? There was a putting press. There was forcing. We don't want to do that. Okay. If you're somebody who
doesn't have a human like a person that you can talk to, you can always do a DSP. If you're somebody who believes in God or a higher power or the universe, or a spiritual
team, or your angels or your ancestors, you can talk. You can just talk. This is what I think prayer is. I say this all the time. For me, prayer is just you having a personal
conversation with the divine, with source, with your Creator, whatever you might happen to call it the God of your own understanding, right? And for some of you,
that might be Mother Nature, right? It might be the trees, it might be the ocean, it might be the birds, like Saint Francis would go out and like, talk to the animals, right?
For sure, I talked to the I talked to the critters outside all the time. But prayers, to me, is just a way of being your fullest self, your most honest and authentic self,
and sometime My prayers are man like, what the is going on, like, Please help me. Please help me to see myself, this situation, this person differently, you
know. Send help. Yes and help, you know.
But also, if you don't have a person that you can talk to, you can write it down. You can journal. That's another way to express your emotions. If you're not able to have a
human being that has the. Capacity to listen, right? There is a wise advocate. There is an inner teacher that lives inside of you. There is, there are, I like to
think, kind of like angels all around you, a spiritual team that is listening. And so write your feelings down, put them into words, and just really give yourself
permission to, first of all, feel what you're feeling, because your feelings are real and they do matter, and they are important and they are valid, even if
somebody else has made you feel the opposite of that, or somebody else has said things to you to make you think the opposite of that, but your emotions hold a lot of information
and a lot of intelligence and a lot of wisdom, if we pay attention to them, the other thing so, but we got to stop before we know what we're feeling. We gotta notice how
we feel. So we gotta slow down a little bit, take some deep breaths, just learn to be with what is happening, and learning to kind of deeply listen to what's going on. And
then one of the things that I have always found helpful, and my friend David Kessler, who is a grief expert, he's one of the leading grief experts in I don't know the
country, the world, I don't know whatever. He's written a bunch of books. Used to do some work with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, written some books with her, but he has a
book called finding meaning, all about grief. And it's like the sixth stage of grief is finding meaning. And so when we look for meaning in what's going on, what
we're going through, what's happening when we don't just assume like, oh my god, the world is happening to me and this is shit, and it's all bad, when we can look for
meaning. I call it sometimes like getting under the under, we try to search for the meaning behind difficult situations. And I wrote this note to myself. I once heard it
called tragic optimism, right where, which is like the opposite of toxic positivity. It's like tragic optimism. It's like really searching for the meaning. I often call it,
like the lesson or the blessing or what. And I will say this, it's not always immediately apparent, but I can look back on some times in my life when things were really
challenging and really had and the takeaways later on is like, Oh, I think I know what that was about. Or this is the meaning that I'm choosing to assign to this. And here's
the other thing, too, be kind to yourself and others, because we've all probably, we have all probably inflicted toxic positivity on ourselves or others at some point in our
life. And if we can start to notice it, if we find ourselves starting to do it, just stop yourself and then just get better at listening. Really. Just listen without
waiting just to your turn to talk like really, listen as if you care. Imagine that you know, don't pretend like try to show up and listen like you would want to be
listened to, right? And listen with love, listen with compassion, with open ears, open hearts, open minds. You know what I mean? Okay, um, I shared something on, I shared
something with on social media the other day. I'm just going to read it to you, really. Read it to you really quick, and if you if you need any more before I read that
if you need any more examples, because I was just saying, like, Hey, be on the lookout for your own toxic positivity. It's like, what might that look like? And I mentioned a
few, right? Like, happiness is a choice. Things happen for a reason, good vibes only. You've probably heard somebody say something like, well, it could be worse, or just, just
stay positive. Those are toxic statements, right? Not in and of themselves, but when somebody is suffering. But here's some other things you could say, Okay, I'm listening.
I'm here. You're not alone. You know, I know this. This seems really bad. How can I help sometimes, you know, failure, you know happens. It's a part of life, and we'll
figure it out together. I'm here for you no matter what, whatever. That's the opposite. That's the opposite of of toxic positivity, right? These are things that are actually
helpful, okay? And if you, if you find that somebody is doing that to you, you know, you can speak up and you can say, hey, what I don't need right now is to be, you know,
blasted with like solutions, or, you know, these, you know, affirmations of like, oh, it's all gonna be okay, goodbye. I don't need that. That's not helpful to me. Okay?
And this is what I wrote the other day. That kind of was the inspiration for this whole I'll read it fast, but this is the inspiration for this whole podcast. This is
what I wrote on on the other day. I said I lean had in the direction of happy. I'm a glass half full and annoyingly positive kind of person. I can shift my perspective and
slip and and flip a script like a motherfucker. So when I speak up about stuff that's happening in the world, or I do a podcast highlighting some bullshit, or I
make a post about my feelings about something political, that's not me being. Quote, unquote negative. That's me allowing myself to be fully human. That's me
connecting with my shared humanity. Beware the people that want you to be positive and good vibes only all the time. That's not real, and it's not realistic because we
don't want to just skip over or downplay or ignore the painful. Had dark, tough, tragic or traumatic things that go down in this human experience, because there's nothing
enlightened about spiritually bypassing awful stuff. I'm not saying we should fixate on it, hyper focus on it, or build altars to worship our suffering. I'm not suggesting
either that we throw a public tantrum or have a conniption fit or get ourselves in a tizzy, either. And I'm also no longer interested in doing what so many of us mass
whole kids were taught to do as children. I've coined that survival strategy as, quote, sucking it up and stuffing it down. End, quote, those days are over. My friends,
people who are uncomfortable with feeling the full Skittle rainbow of their own inherent emotions will often label people who do communicate their broad range of
emotions as, quote, unquote, not being positive, they either don't know how to or haven't learned that. We can feel things deeply, talk about them and still kick ass.
We can cry for a bit and then bounce back like a champ. My sensitivity is one of my superpowers. It's what inspires me to take action about things that matter to me and to
speak up about injustices I may see. Caring about people, animals, the environment and what's happening in other countries doesn't make you weak, it makes you human, and there
is so much strength in your vulnerability. So these days, I let myself feel all of my feelings, even the ones that the positivity bros might try to shame us about, and then I
use the tools that I have to help myself get back to the business of love.
And that's the gig, people. That's the assignment, right? The assignment is alignment. The assignment is aligning with love. And so we gotta be asking myself, is
what I'm saying to this other person loving? Is it compassionate? Is it helpful, or is it me coming from a fear space of I don't really know how to fix this or help this, so
I'm just going to blast them with positivity at a time when that might not be the most helpful thing to do. And you know, right now, the world needs more love than ever. I
shouldn't even say than ever. There have been really scary times in the history of the world, but right now, what we all really need is a little more compassion and a
little more kindness. But we also right, need to be real about what's happening and what we're feeling. And there's a lot of people out there who are not feeling so
great about what's going on, whether it's in their personal life or their professional life, or what's happening in the world, and if they happen to bring it up, because
here's the thing, what a lot of people forget, they think, oh, people are just talking about something to whine or to complain or to bitch and to moan and to
groan and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but no, that is oftentimes the first step in change, in transformation, in taking action. I always say, let me feel my feelings first.
Let me process them for a bit, because I'm going to get back to kicking ass in the afternoon, right? But, like, give me a few beats. Give me a few moments to process what
I'm feeling. So I don't just stuff it somewhere in my body and make myself sick or make myself feeling crazy. You know, it's like no part of expressing yourself and
feeling your feelings in a healthy way. That's part of the healing process. That's what allows us to be stronger and wiser and have more wisdom and have more like a more
meaningful life. Is we didn't just walk around with a mask on, pretending like everything's fine, like some freaking Stepford wife robot weirdo thing. You know
what? I mean? It's like, No, you know. And again, I'm not saying we just sit around in this shitty diaper, whining and complaining, because that's not helpful either. But
there's a balance to this. And I just want you to know like all paths of you are welcome, and I hope you find places and people in communities where the fullness,
the full rainbow, skill emotion of you is welcome, and we certainly have that in the nest, my spiritual mentoring group and community, and I would love to invite you
into that. If that's something that ever piques your curiosity, man, if you ever like, Hmm, you can always come and try it for a month, right? Nobody holds you hostage
like you can come and you can check it out. No. Now more than ever, we need to find those little pockets, those safe places, those communities where we can be ourselves
and we can talk about hard things, and we can learn tools to navigate. And that's one of the great things that I think, that you know, I'm able to do as a teacher, is I try
to take principles and concepts and tools and to make them I always say, I try to make them easier to understand and to make them learnable and to make them more applicable.
That's what a good teacher does, right? It's like, I kind of curate resources and curate things and then share them with you. So it's like, you know, I can kind of try to do my
best, and a lot of these tools and a lot of these books and a lot of these things that I've learned right, whether it's yoga and hypnosis and all these different things, is
for me first, I went first and gathered all the things that I have found helpful, and now I do my best to share them with others. So if you're interested in that, just go to
Karen kenney.com/nest, N, E, S, T. Can also just get on my mailing list to find out what's going on and what's happening. I have online Tuesday night yoga classes. You can
just go to Karen kenney.com/yoga or just go to Karen kenney.com/sign up one word to get on my mailing list. Okay. Thank you so much for listening. I hope nobody spiritually
bypasses you or tries to toxic positivity dump on you, but hopefully this episode has been helpful in some way, and I appreciate you for spending some time with me, and I
love you guys and wherever you go, may you leave yourself and the people and the animals in the environment and the place better than how you found it. Wherever you
go, may you and your presence and your energy and your love and your compassionate positivity, right, be a blessing. Bye. Bye.