Welcome to Midlife with Brooke. I am your host, Brooke Oniki. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, a wife, a mother, a grandma, and a certified life coach. On this podcast, we talk about all things, relationships, health and emotional wellbeing. I share tools and real life examples from my life and from the lives of my clients to help you navigate. This season of in life with more peace and more clarity. I have a little treat for you today. If you go to the show notes, you can click on the PDF that I have there for you that talks about five steps that you can go through when this happens to you. All right, so let's talk about it. You send a text and then you wait. You check your phone. Maybe you can even see they've read it and still nothing. Maybe it's been a few hours, maybe it's been a few days. And what starts as something simple can start to feel very personal. Because we don't just notice that they didn't respond. We start interpreting it and Our brain fills in the gaps. If they're ignoring me, they don't care. I must have said something wrong. I'm losing connection with them. Now, we're not just waiting for a text. We're feeling hurt, rejected, or maybe anxious. But here's something really important to understand. The pain isn't coming from the unanswered text. It's coming from the meaning that you are attaching to it, because the truth is, there are so many possible reasons that they haven't responded. Think about your own experience. Do you always immediately respond to a text when your children don't respond? They could have seen it at a time when they couldn't respond and then they forgot. They're busy. They don't have the emotional bandwidth today to have a conversation about something. They need to talk to somebody else before they can make a decision. They thought that they had responded and realized later they hadn't. Sometimes our kids just aren't really great at texting, and most of these reasons have nothing to do with how much they love you. When we don't hear back, it feels like disconnection and your nervous system reads disconnection as unsafe. So it makes sense, right? If I'm feeling unsafe, I'm gonna try to fix it. So I might have an urge to text again, like, did you not get the last text? Did you not see that? Are you gonna respond? I texted you an hour ago, right? We can get into this hounding mode, or you might feel fearful, and so you have this urge to explain. So you send another text explaining why it's important that they respond, or I'm sorry if you thought I was overbearing or. Whatever explanation you wanna go into, or we might have the urge to pull back, If I believe, oh, I'm bothering them, they don't like me, they don't like to talk to me, right? Then I'm gonna have the urge to pull back myself. And this is where the work is. Before you respond to them, come back to yourself. You can practice this. Ask yourself things like, what am I making this mean? Separate the facts from the story. The fact is they haven't responded. It could be they haven't responded for two hours or they haven't responded for two days. That's the fact. But I'm telling myself a story that they don't care about me, that I'm not important to them, that they're being disrespectful. But I can choose something more grounded than that. I could choose something like, I don't know why they haven't responded. or there are a lot of possible reasons, or our relationship is bigger than one text. I wanna share something that I've noticed in my own life. There are times when I send texts to my kids from a very grounded space. I just feel love and so I wanna connect, right? I might wake up in the morning thinking of one of my children and just send them a text telling them, I hope you have a good day. I love you. I've been thinking about you. Or something that I'm appreciative of, So I send the text out and then I move on. I'm not watching my phone, I'm not waiting for anything back. It feels like I'm just sending love out into the world and they get to receive it however they want, and sometimes. When they do text back, I've forgotten that I even texted them in the first place because I sent it with such a no strings attached attitude. And then there are other times when I send a text and I can feel it that I'm checking my phone, I'm waiting, I'm needing something. And that's when I know this wasn't just about connection. This was about reassurance. And there's no judgment in that, but it does give us information. What am I needing right now? So rather than sending a text when I'm feeling anxious, I can think, what am I needing right now? Can I give that to myself instead of needing them to give it to me? Now, sometimes it does matter. You might have a time sensitive text. Let's say you need to know, are you guys coming to dinner with us? Or how many people are you bringing when you come on Sunday? Or are you gonna be playing pickleball with us, or are you going to the movie? We're getting tickets, and there's some urgency that comes in with that. And in those moments, there are two things happening, the logistical need and then your emotional experience. And when we get those mixed together, it gets harder. So you need an answer. And now it also means if they don't answer, like they don't respect me, or Why is this so hard? I see them on their phone all the time, so I feel like they're looking at their phone and just choosing to not answer me. Instead of getting anxious and worried and disrespectful back to them, I can handle the logistics more cleanly. I can say something like, Hey, I need to know by three so that I can plan for dinner. Or if I don't hear back from you, I'll just plan that you're not coming. Right. So you're not chasing and you're not adding pressure. You're just being clear. I remember last Christmas we were gonna go to a play with my siblings and my parents, and we needed to get tickets. And so my sister was asking me, how many does your family want? And nobody responded. And so I just said, I guess just two for Tom and for me. And then days later After I had told her, then my kids were like, Hey, we wanna come. And then someone else said, yeah, we wanna come. And so then I had to decide like, do I make them get their own tickets? Do I make them do the research to figure out if there are more tickets available? Do I call my sister and see? Then you have to make those decisions. If you're like, oh, sorry, the deadline was this day. Right. I can hold my boundary there if I want to, or I can decide whether or not to accommodate them. But we just get to be clear about what our expectations are. sometimes when there's been waiting, we can get a little passive aggressive. So they don't respond. They don't respond, and then they finally do, and you're like, oh, so nice of you to respond four days later. Right? And you might think you're being funny, but there can be an edge to that. And it usually comes from feeling hurt. But when we are passive aggressive, it doesn't create connection. When people feel criticized, they tend to pull back, not come closer. I talked to some young adults while I was preparing for this podcast, and one of them said one thing that's hard for her is that her mom has the Find My Friends app. And so she seems to know where this daughter is on a regular basis. And so her mom comments about things like, oh, I saw you were in the neighborhood today, and you didn't stop by. The young mom was saying, that's kind of hard for me. I know when she was 27, her mom didn't know exactly where she was all of the time, and so I think that's an interesting thing for us to consider that just because we have more access or knowledge and information about our kids doesn't mean that we should be Pushing our way into their lives all of the time. Or making passive aggressive comments about how much they come by or how long they stay. Or if we're a priority. I know people do this 'cause we, they feel hurt and they wanna be a part of their kids' lives, but your kids don't wanna spend time with you when they feel criticized and judged all of the time. So just notice, am I. Trying to control, am I trying to manipulate the behavior of my kids because if I am, it will not cause them to feel more loving towards me. If anything, it will make the situation worse. Sometimes one of the reasons they don't respond is because they already feel some level of disapproval If they're expecting correction or pressure or disappointment from you, avoiding the interaction makes a lot of sense. I noticed this week we have a tax bill and I was not excited to go meet with the accountant and hear how much we owed. So I found myself putting that off and even like the appointment was coming and I just was dragging myself to get there because I didn't really wanna know. What the amount was, and it ended up being actually a lot better than I thought. But it's interesting how if we feel like, uh, this is gonna be a bad interaction, We're not usually very anxious to talk to that person. So if your interactions with your kids by text are often like, have you applied for that job? Did you get into that class? Did you go talk to your professor? Have you reached out to so and so? If we're always trying to navigate their lives for them or check in on them or motivate them or whatever purpose, we think those. Those encouraging nudges hold, that could also be a reason that your kids aren't as interested in texting back because it's hard to wanna talk to someone that we feel like we get a lot of correction from or pressure from, or that we feel this disappointment coming from. So just notice when you have the urge to reach out in a correctional tone. I had another young adult say to me, her mom doesn't seem that interested in our life. She just calls and says, how are you? And I say, fine. And then she says, here's what we're doing and here's what your siblings are doing. And. This young adult said, I just feel sort of like my life and what I'm doing, it doesn't really matter that much to her. So that's an interesting thing to think about. Do I ask about their day and their friends? And what are you doing for fun and what are you looking forward to? And are there ways that I can make connection with them that don't have to do with that parental role of me always instructing and guiding. And trying to encourage them in a direction that I think would be good for them. If I have an urge to correct or pressure or express disappointment, I can ask myself, is this how I want to show up? You can be honest without being sharp. Something like, Hey, when I don't hear back from you, it makes it hard for me to plan. That's clear. It's direct, it's kind. Hey, we're gonna get the tickets. We're gonna get 'em by three o'clock this afternoon. if people don't respond, we just won't get you any tickets. I don't have to be mad or angry. I can just be clear and kind and direct. sometimes our brains go to a bigger explanation. I hear parents say, I think they don't like us because of our political views. They don't wanna talk to us because of the church. They're pulling away from us. And those things can even be true, right? You may not agree politically or they may have different views about the church than you have, But what happens inside of us? Is what matters because when we feed those thoughts of they don't like the church or they don't like our political views, and we start to feel defensive and hurt and guarded, then we hold back. We show up differently and We end up creating the distance we are afraid of. Instead of being defensive and creating distance, we can shift into curiosity. I could try thinking something like, I don't actually know what they're thinking. or I wonder what their experience is. We can stay open. We can stay connected. Even when there are differences, You can have different beliefs and still have a close relationship. Connection comes from being safe to be with. I'm gonna say that once more connection comes from being safe to be with. So if I can Stay warm, don't withdraw. Let them have their own experience, lead with interest. Things like, tell me more about how you see that. When they tell me something and I'm not sure what to say, I can ask, tell me some more, or take one part of it and go, oh, what does that actually mean? Like, explain that part a little bit more to me. Right. The more questions we can ask. Not in like, Ugh, I can't believe you believe that, but Oh, that's so fascinating. Tell me more about that. Right. Real genuine interest. I also like to remind myself, sometimes I don't text back. Sometimes I thought I did and then I go back to my phone later and I see I didn't send it. Sometimes I don't have an answer yet. Like, I need to talk to my husband first before I can answer back, and then I forget, right? And so when I remember that, that also softens my heart. It's like when someone cuts me off on the freeway, Instead of thinking what's wrong with them, I always remember like, I've done that before, and suddenly there's just a lot more compassion Another thing that happens is our brains like to go to, they're so un ungrateful or they're so entitled, and in that situation, I like to zoom out and think about all the things that God has done for me every single day that I rarely acknowledge. Lately I've been noticing something really simple. When I'm tying my shoes in the morning, I just notice how my hands so effortlessly can tie those laces at just the right tension to make it tight on my foot, but not hurt, and my body can bend over my legs so easily. There's no pain. the dexterity in my fingers. So amazing. It's just a miracle that we can peel things and cut things, and tie things and wash things. There's just so many amazing things that our fingers and hands can do and how I use them all day long every day. And I rarely stop to thank God for that huge blessing, that huge gift. And so when my kids don't say thank you, I can just remember, oh, I actually have a little bit of a hard time with that too. So I try to make room for that. Recently I was at a retreat and there was a beautiful woman there who told us that when she's trying to cultivate gratitude, she told us when something small happens. The example she used was like coming out of the grocery store and it's been raining really hard and when she gets to the edge of the store and she's looking out at her car and the rain starts to slow down, she said, I just look up at heaven and I say. Did you do that just for me? And so I've thought about it this week since I heard her say that like all the little things, the sunshine on your face or the light not changing when you're in a hurry, like I can just think, oh, did you do that just for me? When we cultivate gratitude, we become less focused on what's missing, less tight, less reactive, more open. So I really think this isn't about texting. It's about how to handle uncertainty and how to interpret behavior and how to take care of yourself. Sometimes they'll text back and sometimes they won't. but you can become someone who feels steady either way. And when you do, you create more peace for yourself and more connection in your relationships. If you want more help with this, I've added a PDF to the show notes that has a five step process to go through when they don't text back, and you can just click the link there and. It'll come to you in your email. So I hope that you'll think about this a little bit more. That I get to decide the story that I tell when my kids don't text me back. If it's a time sensitive thing, I can be more clear and precise about what I need from them, and I can also set boundaries That feel aligned, I need to hear from you by five o'clock, and if I don't, we'll just go ahead with our plans. I don't have to be mad, I don't have to be angry. I can just go forward as I planned. I can love my kids whether they text me or not. I'm gonna close with one last story I've told this story before, but I think it's useful. A few years ago on Valentine's Day, I sent a text out to each one of my kids and I spent a lot of time sharing things that they had done that had really blessed my life. Ways that I. Have grown and learned and been blessed by their example, and it was a very spiritual experience for me to reflect on how my relationship with them had changed my life and I cried and I. Felt my heart just filled with gratitude about my love for each one of my kids. And then I sent those texts off, and I think they all responded, but they were like, oh mom, thanks. And I don't know, maybe they cried too, but I realized that I was the one who benefited from sending that love out to them. That they had an experience of their own, but the beautiful experience that I had was because of the time I spent reflecting and feeling love and appreciation for them, and I got to feel it. I get to feel the emotions created from my thoughts. So when my kids don't text me back, I get to decide how I wanna think about it. And if I start feeling anxious, I know that my nervous system is dysregulated, so I wanna calm myself down. That could be taking a few deep breaths. It could be walking around the block. It could be just. Patting myself on the shoulder, whatever I need to do, maybe having something nutritious to eat or going out and standing in the sunshine, something that can bring myself back to calm. And then I get to decide from that rational prefrontal cortex way of thinking how I want to think and feel about this. Thinking that they hate me, that they don't like me, that they're mad at me, that they're mad at the church, that they're mad about my political views will only cause me to be more negative. But if I can keep love in my heart for them, if I can make room for whatever time it takes for them to answer back, then I can just keep my own peace and calm. It really is powerful.

Thank you for joining me today on Midlife with Brooke. If this episode sparked something in you, an aha moment, a little peace, or even a little discomfort, lean in. That is where change begins. And remember, your worth is always intact. The inner work is about accepting your worth today and intentionally growing into who God is calling you to be. If this episode spoke to you, share it with a friend or drop me a message. I would love to hear what you're working on. Talk to you soon.