hazel: [00:00:00] Hi there, I'm Hazel Showell. I'm here to guide you through the toughest transitions in life, business, even love. I'm a business psychologist who coaches, execs and founders to navigate the messy stuff of life. That ranges from selling a business, the loss of something or someone important, to repairing relationships or restoring confidence.

And I've been doing it for 30 years. Welcome to Endings.

Richard: It's that realisation that things end for you, but they also end for people around you.

hazel: In this episode, I'm speaking to Richard Mclean. Richard's story is one of painstaking recovery after a stroke. He had to learn to walk and talk again. When you hear Richard talk, you'll hear how he learnt to appreciate every moment.

That's something I've also had to do, recovering from brain surgery myself. By the end of this episode, I'll guide you [00:01:00] through techniques to help you appreciate every moment too. We'll come back to that later, but first let's go back to the beginning. Around 2000, the same year I was diagnosed with a brain tumour, Richard was in his early 40s, with a great career, married to Rebecca, with two lovely little girls, and he thought of himself as fit and well.

Richard: I guess I've always been quite fortunate in being naturally sporty. School, I'd play hockey six times a week. So then into my 30s, I would do 10k, 5k races.

hazel: On top of that, Richard works as Chief of Staff for a global data and analytics company called Elsevier, with offices in 46 countries around the world.

So he was working across time zones and leading a substantial team.

Richard: That can include a day trip to Amsterdam, up at 4.30 in the morning, back at 10.30 at night. [00:02:00] But energizing, I loved it. I would go and do workshops with teams, do onboarding sessions for new teams, and the rest of the time working at home.

I'm super connected.

hazel: And that continued even when he was working at home.

Richard: So I've got my phone, I've got Teams, I've got Zoom, I've got Slack, email, WhatsApp, and yeah that's, that's kind of the deal is that I'll be there.

hazel: He’s the kind of person who would absorb himself in his work.

Richard: There's always another message, there's always another bit of thing that you can do.

And in that mentality of trying to be present, why would I go for a walk?

hazel: Out of the blue, Richard experienced a TIA. Which is the mini stroke. But by the time he was scanned in hospital, there was nothing to see. And he was diagnosed with migraines. So he was taken off aspirin, which is usually given to [00:03:00] people who are at risk for stroke.

With devastating results just one week later.

Richard: Gosh, yes, I've got goose pimples as I'm hearing you tell the story there. Um, so what happens next from that point is we go on holiday, because I'm told I can drive again. So we drive off and, um, go down to the Wye Valley and have a, an amazing family holiday there.

Um, it's kind of idyllic really. And, um, then we come back and, um, go to bed and wake up and it's like it's all happened again. I can't, um, I basically, I've had a stroke overnight. And so wake up and, um, go to the bathroom, but I've lost my balance. So bang into things, Rebecca immediately can hear this stuff.

Well, um, can't move my arm.

hazel: That sounds terrifying.

Richard: Um, [00:04:00] but I go back to bed because I've been told I've got these weird migraines. So it's like, okay, it's happened again. It passed last time. In fact, last time it was super quick. It took two hours, um, for me to get my movement back in my left arm. And so I go back to bed and think, well, I just, I need to wait.

I need to rest. It's a dark room. That's meant to be good for a migraine. And I've never had a migraine before in my life, so I have no real idea what a migraine is. But yeah, it doesn't get better this time. So work goes out the window, um, lots of things go out the window that hadn't even thought about before.

Walking by myself. Walking to the toilet, taking a shower by myself, um, cutting up my own food,[00:05:00] um, reading a book, um, and that would be both reading a book by myself, can't do it, reading a book to my daughters out loud in the evening. Actually, that then became part of my recovery to practice with my speech that way. But at first, yeah, it's just rest.

hazel: Yeah, I know we talk about the importance of recognizing plasticity, that the brain will help itself, but it needs time and it needs rest and patience. And in the meanwhile, life's very different when you can't do things that people take for granted. I know you told me the story of Looking back at that holiday in Wales, [00:06:00] that beautiful place and something that really struck you.

Richard: Yes, I mean, I'd had the scare of the TIA and, um, was enjoying the fact that it had gone. So we would enjoy lovely countryside walks together. And when I was in hospital after the stroke, I was in my mind revisiting one morning where I'd got up and done some qigong outside and had this beautiful view over the valley.

It was a sunny day in Wales, if you can believe that, and, uh, the feeling of the sunshine on my body and the warmth of that. And then just the sort of, the sadness that came, I might not be able to do that again. And then, a sort of, um, accompanying regret that I hadn't really appreciated it. It had been lovely, but actually, I really appreciated what it [00:07:00] was to feel the sun on my body.

And to be able to stretch and move and thinking, well that's, yeah, am I going to do that again?

hazel: I think it's such a, um, yeah, when something devastating happens to look back and think, what would I have done it differently if I'd have known it was my last time? Potentially. But yeah, it's a huge thing to confront.

It wasn't just you had the stroke, that experienced the stroke, that it was also your family.

Richard: Its that realisation that things end for you, but they also end for people around you. So, if I had some expectation of, I mean, not literally, but living forever, sort of, and slightly untouchable, and that this wake up call that actually, no, you really are going to die.

Could happen in any night that you go to bed, you might not wake up next morning. I did wake up the next morning. I just had a [00:08:00] stroke, but if that blood clots have been slightly millimetres different, the impact could have been very different as well. So there's just that sort of not taking things for granted in the same way.

And so that was certainly me, but then just seeing Rebecca and my daughters. Have similar sort of understandings. I was and I mean, I might not be there.

hazel: hmm It's navigating that isn't it the power and the challenge of holding the pain of the people you love when you are Dealing with your own experiences

Richard: and that's that's exactly the same for them, too Because they've got that ending, they've got that loss, sadness.

But I think, you know, it was great when they were able to see that in themselves, for themselves, as well as [00:09:00] it being something for me because otherwise you push those things away and don't allow them and accept them and it's going to be hard to heal.

hazel: Well, yeah, and I think there's such a British culture, isn't there, sometimes of, uh, push down that emotion, bury it under a rug or something, put a brick on it, rather than, actually, if we can find a space for it, hold a space for it, then actually we can process it a little more gently.

But that takes courage to confront it and not just go, I don't even want to look at that, just hide it away, pretend everything's okay. It's painful. Yeah, of course.

Richard: So why, why I accept that. I have to allow that. Why look into that? Much easier to push it away in many ways.

hazel: Well, especially when you're already dealing with physical pain, you know, adding to an emotional pain can feel like one more thing I do not need or do not want, rather than actually Go [00:10:00] through it now, pull off that blast, get, get into it.

I would see it as a bit of a knot and it kind of, you just pull a couple of strings and suddenly it can unravel and is a lot gentler, but you know, it's not something you get through or get past. It's something you've got to integrate.

Richard: I like that analogy of the knot, whether it's a. ball of string, sort of knot and you pull it too quickly and it gets tighter, um, or you think of a knot in a muscle in your back and if you, if you tighten around it and hold that knot in, in the muscle it contracts further, it actually gets tighter.

The, the thing that I find works is actually if you can sit with it and allow it, it actually, it actually then does expand and release which is one of the reasons why massage works, it helps release it.

hazel: Yeah. I think psychologically, there's so many techniques that are about acceptance and that sitting with something, uh, sitting with not knowing an answer, but be able to just give [00:11:00] it some space and, and often things do resolve with, with time.

You know, we're, we're very action orientated and there's culture of wanting to get in there and like I say, pull, pull the string, rather than maybe this is the kind of knot that just needs. space, and I've just got to let it be, or find the person, it's like, find the masseur, find the person who can help me to relax this, rather than, I don't have to do a thing on my own.

Richard: You don't have to do it alone, and that was, I think, I don't, I don't think I'm particularly good at asking for help. Probably still now, but I generally overestimate my own ability to control or influence and problem solve. So again, letting go of some of that and finding actually other people are much better at it or step in and it happens.

And as you say, time.

hazel: Well, it's allowing time to be one of the things that you reach out for, but yeah, there's some amazing experts. [00:12:00] You, you work really hard on recovery, but Uh, had took a slightly different tack in terms of how you recovered. So I'm really interested to hear a bit more about that and also what drove you to keep going because you and I both know how hard the rehab process is.

Richard: No two strokes are the same. And I extend that and go, no two recoveries are the same either. So I, in my own sort of mental memory of my recovery, it's sort of got two elements to it. There's the real kind of physical rehab. And there's um, a much more explorative. How do I get well again? And so one's much more, sort of, externally driven by the supportive team from the hospital.

So I got an early discharge from the hospital. There was a team with whom I would have speech therapy, psychotherapy, and physiotherapy. And so they, in a sense, give you a program of activities and exercises that you work through. [00:13:00] Physiotherapy can be very Precise and very targeted. This muscle here, this finger here, can you move that finger in that direction?

Whereas actually, our movement in daily life isn't normally like that. We don't normally isolate an individual muscle. We move without generally thinking about it, and it's a very integrated movement to pick up this glass of water involves all sorts of different muscles and movements that I don't think about, and so it was trying to sort of almost If that's how the brain normally works, how can I help it?

Do that sort of thing again, it's the unconscious parts of movement as well. And so that took me down a journey of exploration of all sorts of things that I never, never imagined trying some of which I'd explicitly heard of and rejected some of which I'd never heard of before, but it was a mindset [00:14:00] of, well, why not?

I'll give it a try. If it's going to help me then yeah, I'll, I'll take some mushroom supplements, lion's mane mushroom. Why not? Always worth a try. And so on the physical side, one of the best things actually for me personally was dancing. And finding that sort of more natural flowing movement when you're expressing yourself with music.

hazel: There was a really poignant moment, wasn't there, when you were dancing with your wife, Rebecca.

Richard: Yeah, and I actually realised, oh, I'm disabled. I'd never really looked at it that way. And of course the mirror, your, your image is just there. It's like, Oh, this is what I look like when I dance. This arm's not doing what you might expect it to do what it used to do.

Other sorts of, um, more classical therapeutic approaches by which I mean with somebody else, rather than just your own movement, Feldenkrais, rolfing. And we're going to share some links or [00:15:00] something to help people understand what these things are. There's some strange names.

hazel: We will definitely, yeah, we'll put some links in the show.

Richard: So that's a physical body work that particularly it's approaches through the fascia, which is the connective tissue around the muscles and is integrated through the body. And it's an integrated body approach rather than isolating individual elements of your body. Wotsu, which is one in water, you have a practitioner helping you and holding you and moving you through the water.

Which is incredibly relaxing and also I had a blood pressure issue after the stroke and my blood pressure after WOTSU was so much lower, it was so relaxing, it was incredible.

hazel: So you could see it working, that's really powerful.

Richard: Somatic Experiencing, which is a body based approach to helping people recover from the impacts of trauma.

Meditation. Yeah, the list kind of goes on.

hazel: But what I'm hearing is that I say the preparedness to try something, even if on the [00:16:00] surface it seems unfamiliar or unusual, but to try it and see what has utility, what works for you. It's always interesting the, yeah, the routes that you end up going down that you would have never predicted before.

Yeah. That suddenly you can Being a place where you think the principles of being open, trusting, support, it all makes sense then. And how long was it to get to the point where you could actually go back to work?

Richard: So work was super supportive in terms of my return to work and in terms of my initial Just stopping work and just sort of no questions asked, just told me take the time that you need, so I'll be forever grateful for that.

When I first returned to work, I would do nine hours per week, and then 12 hours the next week, and then gradually build it back up. It was eight [00:17:00] months from the TIA to being back at work full time. One complication in that is that I'd just started a new job. I was actually returning to a different job than I'd left eight months previously.

So all that time was part of the sort of onboarding into a new role. It was a similar role, but in a different part of the organization.

hazel: You could end up claiming the prize for longest induction into a role. It's like, I'm doing it at three hour increments a week and that's it. That's what I'm going to do.

Fantastic. And so, you know, if we're kind of doing the day in the life of, what's the day in the life now then?

Richard: Um, so there are lots of similarities and, and differences as well. So I'm just sort of more boundaried with myself, I think. I would never commit to that expectation of always being able to contact me.

I don't do back to back to back to back to back to back meetings in the same way. So for meetings that I [00:18:00] schedule, it's always 25 minutes instead of half an hour. It's 45 minutes or 50 minutes instead of an hour. In order to have a break between meetings. Might sound stupid, but I always make sure I go outside every day.

Hazel: No, it's really good for your health.

Richard: But I didn't when I was home based before.

hazel: That's the thing about brain injury, isn't it? That the pause that for some people might be ten minutes between meetings, for you it became stand up and pause. Move, pause. It's a good discipline, just frustrating. I do know the frustration of that one

Richard: Yes, it feels like another world now, looking back on it. It's just over three years since the stroke. I still find things are improving. They just do.

hazel: They do. They do. And looking back, I know that since the focus of this series is all endings, then what actually ended for you?

Richard: [00:19:00] I think it's this, um, taking for granted.

This just sort of expectation that I've been very fortunate. I'd never had a night in hospital before in my life. Things sort of, it seemed I could just carefree continue through life and really didn't need to pay too much attention to them in that sense. And so that carefreeness. It's that taking for grantedness and making it worth it.

hazel: I'm all right with that.

Richard: They're things that I think ended for me.

hazel: I get it. Because that's the thing, isn't it, that when it's easy for people to throw back, oh, you know, but you're here, like your life didn't end. Actually, so many things do and things change and things recover and they get better. It's the.

the fact that it will now take a bit of thought, a bit of attention or some planning and it's not quite the, let's say, [00:20:00] standing on a hill in Wales, throwing out your arms to embrace a beautiful sunny morning, saying actually it can all be possible again, just a little differently.

Richard: Yes, and you know, I sort of turn that question on its head in the sense of how much started for me.

hazel: Fantastic. What would you say started?

Richard: And that's, you know, endings being beginnings is a cliche. It's kind of true. It was very true in my case. So the start, I mean, just even in that story there is actually just trying to really feel that sun on your face. What does that feel like? Are you aware of that, let alone appreciating that?

Can you slow down in order to do, cause for me, slowing down is otherwise, if you don't slow down, that moment is going to run past you. And so, I don't think I was slow, and I have a long way to go [00:21:00] still, in wanting to embrace slowleness, which I think is a lovely word, and being embodied in that, so it's not some sort of abstract thought.

It comes with a lived bodily experience of what it feels like inside your arm. What is that feeling to have an arm?

hazel: That is not something most people have to think about.

Richard: No And I never did. And I think, um, my mental model of my body was much more most of detachable parts. I don't know if you can picture an action man. I used to play with action man when I was a boy. You could take his arms off, and they would sort of plug back in again. And for a time, that's almost what it felt like, my arm had just been unplugged.

But it sort of gradually got plugged back in again, and then I actually started to realise it's not a separate thing. [00:22:00] It's all part of me.

hazel: This is making me think about post traumatic growth. What's your experience of that?

Richard: Yeah, which was a phrase I'd never heard of before. Yeah. I'd always, you know, encountered PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.

hazel: It's always about a stressful, yeah.

Richard: But actually, there is this other concept as well, which is kind of the flip side of, um, because what often happens in PTSD, the stress disorder. After trauma is that the trauma remains trapped inside the body and you relive experiences time and time again. But instead of that being trapped in that moment, that story, that bodily experience, there is the possibility of moving on to other things and growing and developing in different ways.

But yes, I mean, it was certainly the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but at the same time, I wouldn't take it away now. And I actually [00:23:00] think my life's better now than it was before. It's given me a huge amount.

hazel: And yeah, I suspect if we'd have rolled back to 1999 and someone said, you know, you know, could you see the benefit in having a major stroke?

Yeah. I'm not sure you'd have quite seen it that way. No, no, of course not. So what do you think you have learned then from having a stroke?

Richard: The value of life. Okay, that's huge. It's pretty random though, right? I mean, whatever your sort of belief system is, it's an extraordinary thing that we're here. On Monday night, I was taking my daughter to her yoga class. I was sat outside, uh, just waiting to pick her up afterwards in the car and a piece of music came on, which was one of my favorite pieces of music was on, I played it at our wedding party and I was just listening to it and trying to listen to it.

And I heard [00:24:00] things in that piece of music that I'd never heard before. I don't know how many times I've listened to that tune, but I was able to just hear things in it that I was like, I've never heard that before. That's crazy. How many times have I listened to this? So it's a different version of sort of running past something.

hazel: Yeah, we think what have we, what are we missing in this rush to do things quickly or to fill the day and not leave the spaces to breathe, to pause, to appreciate. And I think it's very easy to let gratitude sound trite of rather than it can also be a really profound experience to listen to something almost for the first time.

To experience things for the first time and to really appreciate we have an amazing body and a brain that can, with a bit of time, heal itself, and that, it's all extraordinary, isn't it?

Richard: It really is.[00:25:00]

So, if you're needing to be able to be in the moment and appreciate, I thought a mindful guide from patient people might be useful. And the best practice I know is called stilling because it's actually really simple. I learned it from a wonderful teacher called Lynn Stoney, who specializes in family systems.

And I do like the fact that it's just every day, you can do it while you're having a cup of tea. And the idea is to simply Notice, to tune in, to breathe and to appreciate how extraordinary it is that while we're so busy rushing around our brain keeps going and then we just keep breathing. By noticing those extraordinary, ordinary things, you just tune in for a moment and that's it.

You can do it whenever you want, practice as much as you want, but you can build on it if you like with any [00:26:00] mindfulness practice. Personally, I like meditation. But that does take practice. I also like everything from colouring. Usually that's books with lots of detail or rude words. Cause I find it funny.

But if you have time, one of the things you can do is to build yourself an airlock and the way you do that, which is creating yourself a little bit of peace in the middle of the chaos is to imagine the parts of your life you need to keep separate. Good boundary management is vital. So. If, for example, you've got something going on at home that you think, Oh, I worry about it all day.

So I get distracted from my job and that's causing problems. Before you leave home, you write down the things that are worrying you in your head and you find something heavy in the house and you stick it on the note and you mentally leave it there and then you go to work and you promise yourself that you will deal with it.

You will think about it, just not now. [00:27:00] So you schedule the worry time and you can also do the same when you're at work if there's some things at work that keep playing over your mind so you can't be present for your partner or for your kids and you realize you're just, you're still at work mentally.

Well then write down the things that are bothering at work, find something heavy on your desk and leave it there. So you practice creating that airlock of a little bit of time for you. Before lockdown, we all used to, or many people used to use the commute to work for this. It used to be the time to sing, to listen to music, to listen to podcasts or audio books.

Anything just to have that bit of peace that's just for you. In between what can sometimes feel like chaos at work and chaos at home. But if you can do that, just try it. Because the idea is to Not worry about the past because that's gone and to not worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet.

What [00:28:00] you're able to do is to create that bit of space and imagine the peace of no demands, no alerts, no emails, just a little silence and some peace in your head. And all you have is now, really. That's enough. And you are enough. You have enough. If unhelpful thoughts just pop up, then notice them. As if you're seeing them from a distance.

Like they're nothing more than a leaf on a breeze. And watch it float away. And anyone listening to this, recovering from life altering illness, will probably have heard about the three P's. Planning, Pacing, Prioritization. I have to say, I was rubbish at all three. But, they are a great mantra for anybody with a busy life or career too.

To remember that you need your energy to do what you do, and to be who you need to be for other people. Richard called it the art of slowness. Not worrying about how quickly you can [00:29:00] do something, but how well. By slowing down, we give ourselves a chance to do things consciously. And if you are recovering mobility, it's also safer.

I remember being terrified of falling quite a while after a nasty fall in the shower. Because I was rushing. It was too soon. Now I'm okay. But my world needs a little adaptation. My flower beds are raised. My shower is a walk in. But I can do almost everything I used to. Just a little slower. And what I can't do, yes, sometimes it frustrates me, but I breathe.

I watch the need to do those things just drift away like leaves. My final thought for you is about Richard's growth mindset. I also explored this in the first series of this podcast in episode 2, Charlotte's Story, who's also recovering from life changing injury. Because the ability to learn from failure, not to judge yourself, just pick yourself up and try again.[00:30:00]

I know it's frustrating, but when you can get that magic breakthrough, it's amazing. And you can say, as Richard did, well, if that, well, what else can I do? And you keep going. There is a Japanese proverb I learned from Philip Dyer, who you'll hear from in this series, and it says, fall down six times, get up seven.

It's all we can do. It's all we can ask of ourselves. Thank you so much to Richard for sharing his story. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Endings. And if you'd like to share your thoughts, I would love to hear them. So you can reach me at HazelCS on LinkedIn or Twitter. And if you'd like to extend your mindfulness practice, then I do have something for you.

I've recorded a few free guided meditations, which you can access on my website. Which is just hazel.co.uk try them out. I also promised Richard that we'd share a link for some of the integrative [00:31:00] recovery resources that he valued. If you're interested, you might want to explore if they could be right for you.

Click on the link in the show notes for a few ideas from Richard and from me. I wish you a good recovery. And be kind to yourself. Finally, if you know somebody who might benefit from hearing about dealing with life altering illnesses, then do share this episode with them. I'm Hazel Showell, and I hope you'll join me again for another episode of Endings.

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