Dr. Brittany Wade (00:00)

I think I come back to this fact that it's not a luxury. It's not something that needs to be earned. It's not something that's just an escape from our everyday realities. But I think of self-care as being something that really helps us to regulate our nervous systems.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (00:21)

Welcome back to Kids These Days. Today we are tackling a word that I think has been hijacked. We hear the term self-care everywhere, usually accompanied by images of three-hour spa days or solo vacations. But for those of us in the messy middle of parenting, those things don't just feel rare, they feel impossible. And when we can't achieve that Instagram version of self-care, we end up feeling two things, guilt and pressure. Guilt for wanting time away and pressure to make that time productive.

Today, I am joined by a wonderful colleague who understands this tension from both sides of the couch, Dr. Brittany Wade. Dr. Brittany is a licensed psychologist and the founder of Thrive Child Psychology, a group practice serving families across Illinois and Florida. But beyond the PhD and the clinical expertise, Brittany is a mom of two young children. That role informs everything she does.

She knows that a clinical strategy is only as good as its ability to survive a chaotic Tuesday morning. In this conversation, we are stripping away the luxury label and reframing self-care as what it actually is, nervous system regulation. We're diving into the self-care grief process and how to move from an equal split of chores to an equitable split of rest with your partner. Let's jump into the conversation with Dr. Brittany Wade.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (01:45)

Hi Dr. Brittany, how are you?

Dr. Brittany Wade (01:47)

Hi, I am doing so well. I'm very excited to be here with you today. And thank you so much for having me.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (01:53)

Yeah, of course. For people who can't see us, I'm wearing a very thick vest because it's snowing here. And Dr. Brittany is in Florida wearing a nice sleeveless tank top because it's hot.

Dr. Brittany Wade (02:07)

Yes, it's 80

degrees, which is like in some ways delightful because I am not in the cold anymore. But in other ways kind of sad because there's not really a change of season. We joke it's like hot and hotter. So, you know, today's hotter compared to how it's been. But in some ways the year round sunshine is pretty nice. So.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (02:26)

I know,

I know. I do remember living in Florida. The sunshine was nice, but I hated that there were no seasons. And I have curly hair, and it's just really not good for curly hair at all. No, no, no. When I lived in Miami, I just wore my hair in a ponytail every day. It's not even worth trying, because it's too much.

Dr. Brittany Wade (02:33)

Okay.

Yeah, the humidity is not a friend to curls, that's for sure.

Well, and then

it's like up off your neck too, which is also really nice. So ideal for the hot conditions.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (02:49)

Right. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Right.

Well, I'm so excited about our topic today and talking about self-care. I feel like there's a lot of awareness around self-care, but also can be taken in all sorts of different directions. And then you add having kids into the mix. And that also brings up its own set of issues with it. So can we start with talking about what self-care is?

not the things that maybe we see online and we have these expectations of what it should look like. And yeah, those don't really ever work out.

Dr. Brittany Wade (03:29)

Yeah, I think that's so helpful. ⁓ I think for me, I'm still coming into my own realization of what self-care is not as a working parent. And I think I come back to this fact that it's not a luxury. It's not something that needs to be earned. It's not something that's just an escape from our everyday realities. But I think of self-care as being something that really helps us to regulate our nervous systems. And so it's easy to...

get caught up with like this culture of self-care and treat yourself and having the like three hours at the you know spa but for most of us that's not an everyday reality so coming back to what are the practical tools we can use to get to that state of regulation I think is is really critical so if we just start by this idea of like it's not a luxury or something to be earned I think that's a really helpful consideration.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (04:19)

Mm-hmm.

Right,

I'm always curious. wonder where, I don't know, like, yeah, this idea that self-care needs to be earned or that we should just always be putting our kids first and all of that kind of stuff and not taking care of ourselves. I don't even know where that came from. Maybe it was past generations.

Dr. Brittany Wade (04:42)

Maybe, you know, and just, yeah, we live in a culture that very much values productivity. And so any time away from like doing something productive, whether it's, you know, carrying, focusing on our job or caring for our kids, like oftentimes we ourselves as parents.

our last priority, but it makes everything else very difficult if you're trying to pour from an empty cup or you're not prioritizing yourself and your own needs. So trying to be focused back on, know, what do I need in this state to feel more regulated, to be the best parent, partner, like all those things that matter to us, I think is really helpful.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (05:21)

Yeah, and I love that you tied it to productivity, because a lot of parents that I work with and even myself, right, even if I'm doing something, I don't know, going to a yoga class, this is going to help regulate my nervous system. I am also, at the same time, thinking of all the things that I need to be doing and what I need to do right when I leave. And so it is really hard to separate those things, like productivity and thinking about the things that we could be doing while we're trying to take care.

of ourself. It's hard.

Dr. Brittany Wade (05:53)

It is really hard. Yeah, and I think for a lot of people it can bring up like when we think about self-care, like I think about there's like two ⁓ negative emotions that I kind of like correlate with that, which is like guilt and pressure. Guilt in the sense of if I am prioritizing myself, what am I taking away from? And then pressure in the sense of, this is one more thing that I'm not doing, right? one more task. And if that's your approach to it, it's kind of defeating the purpose, right? It's not actually filling your cup. It's not actually getting you to regulate better.

feeling like another stressor which defeats the purpose,

Dr. Courtney Lynn (06:27)

Right, yeah,

for a lot of people. think those emotions are very much tied to self-care and taking care of ourself, which I like the reframe of nervous system regulation. How do we keep our nervous system regulated? But the guilt and feeling like you should be doing something else, that just keeps the spiral going and keeps our nervous system even more dysregulated.

Dr. Brittany Wade (06:51)

Totally, I completely agree. So trying to work through that, right? Work on that reframe and like, no, this is vital. this isn't a luxury or something, this is something that is vital to my wellbeing and helps me support, the other goals of being, again, a great parent or partner or other things that are important to you.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (07:10)

Right,

was just laughing and thinking because last night my partner went to an Avs hockey game with his friend. And so I was home with the boys, which means there's like no adult around. For some reason, I just turned into a teenager. So we stayed up really late. But they do this thing where they'll say, we're not going to live here forever. You should stay up with us.

And for me, if I stay up past 10 o'clock, I just turn into a nightmare the next day. So it is this constant battle. I don't know. They're verbalizing. They want me to stay up and hang out with them and watch this movie. And also, I know that's not going to make for a great day tomorrow because I'm going to be tired, which makes me cranky. And it's just this constant push and pull of taking care of ourselves, being present for our family. It's ongoing.

shame spiral.

Dr. Brittany Wade (08:07)

Right. Yeah. And figuring out how, do you balance that time and what is the give and take? And if you're prioritizing this, what is it taking away from? And I think we get as parents like caught in that loop just constantly. So being able to kind of set our intention of like, how am I showing up for myself today? And what does that look like? But I think, you know, oftentimes like we can, I kind of distinguish self-care from like leisure, right? And I think we get caught in thinking that self-care is more about leisure. Like again, like the spa day or, you know, maybe for my husband, that looks like going and playing a round of golf with friends and he's gone for four hours.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (08:16)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Brittany Wade (08:37)

to me, while he would probably call that self-care, I would call that more like leisure because that's like an all-day activity, right?

And so self care can be in those, everyday moments where you're just again, regulating your nervous system and stopping and taking a few deep breaths or protecting time in the morning to drink your coffee solo, uninterrupted from kids. For me, I've, you know, again, is trying to get into my own habit of self care, tried to protect 30 minutes to work out twice a week. And no, that's not like a super extensive workout. I'm never going to be in the best shape ever from that, but it's sacred time to me. And it's something that does help me regulate. I know it's like,

I'm actually in a better mood on the days that I get my workout in. So, you know, it's figuring out.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (09:15)

Right.

Dr. Brittany Wade (09:18)

What are ways that are functional to regulate, you know, your own self according to the things that are helpful to you. But being open to building, I think what's helpful is being open to building it into some of your everyday habits already. So if you are, I don't know, taking your kids to school in the morning, once you get into the driver's seat of the car, like relaxing your shoulders, taking three deep breaths, that can look like self care because you're taking that moment to pause, reflect and restore.

Again, and that's the other piece, right? you want it to be something that's restorative in nature,

Dr. Courtney Lynn (09:52)

Right, not just another like to do or something that we check off. Yeah. Can you tell me, so that's like kind of cycle that we were talking about, like, I should do self care, feel guilty that I'm leaving my family for self care, go and do some self care and then feel shame that I'm not being more productive. Two things. One, how do you see like either in parents that you work with or yourself, how do you see that that plays out like long term?

Dr. Brittany Wade (09:55)

Totally.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (10:21)

And then also how does that impact the rest of the family?

Dr. Brittany Wade (10:25)

I think those are great questions. in terms of how that plays out long-term, I mean, I think everyone's need for self-care can vary over time. And I think I can build in a discussion about family dynamics as well because...

Dr. Courtney Lynn (10:33)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Brittany Wade (10:41)

I think having a partner can certainly be helpful in terms of supporting the goals of self-care, but also, sometimes there's tricky dynamics about like whose time is more valuable or who is more burnt out or, you know, and that can create resentment, that can create more guilt and shame. I think trying to...

sort of come up with a schedule for like what you see fit. also again, with keeping in mind that self care and leisure are distinct and both I would say are important. I would say self care is probably more critical than leisure, but ideally both partners would have time for both and having discussions upfront of like, hey, you know, maybe we're going to set aside a time to plan out the week and I'm looking at, hey, I have these commitments and I'd really like to build in again my workout twice a week. what are your thoughts for the week? But having those discussions, protecting that time to

I think to avoid getting into that cycle of shame and guilt because it's like, nope, it's predetermined. It's not like, I'm having to give up this for that. I'm just, being intentional with how I'm spending my time. And again, whether that is focused more on self care and kind of daily habits or, you know, a leisure activity, trying to build it in and be upfront with these are my needs and also relying on our partners to tap in for us, right? Like that's the beautiful thing about having a partner. Like if I'm having a really stressful day, ⁓

sometimes I'll have to tell my partner like, you know what, you're on bedtime duty. I just ignore it for myself because I'm so overstimulated and overwhelmed and you know, I need to go take a nice hot shower and just totally like decompress for my day. And again, that's me like restoring myself. That's physiological in nature. And then I leave the shower feeling more calm.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (11:57)

Right, right.

Right,

right. Well, and I think you're bringing up a good point that in the long term, right, if we, you know, aren't taking care of ourselves, aren't taking care of our nervous system, aren't communicating our needs with our partner, then it does lead to resentment. Whereas if we can take that pause for ourselves, whatever that looks like, we often can come back feeling more invigorated and more present, ready to, you know, do bedtime or whatever it is.

Dr. Brittany Wade (12:38)

Right, I totally agree. I also think it's great modeling for our kids. I don't want the only version of myself that my children need to interact with is the one that's super burnt out and tired and overstimulated and overwhelmed. That does not serve them well. I should be working myself to the bone constantly without any break for myself. I don't think that's healthy messaging for kids. so teaching them, well, one, even just verbalizing, like, mommy had a stressful day. I'm going to take some deep breaths because that helps me put my body at ease.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (12:41)

Yes.

Dr. Brittany Wade (13:07)

that's great modeling for kids to see that. talking about our emotional state, talking about the ways that we regulate for our kids, but also modeling that that's a healthy process I think is really valuable.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (13:09)

Yes.

Yeah,

I love the modeling aspect of it. One, because you're giving them a variety of different things that help you regulate, whether that's taking a hot shower, like you said, or taking some deep breaths, whatever it is. You're showing them that you have a toolbox. And I do think kids can sense, right? They can sense, even if we don't verbalize it, I'm going to go take a hot shower, they know, mom came home from work and she took

hot shower and like she's different right like having that transition time i feel like they can feel that in their nervous system too just that little break

Dr. Brittany Wade (13:48)

Great.

Yes, I think so as well. I think they definitely pick up on it and they pick up on our energy and like my son can tell if I'm, you know, a little grumpier than usual. And again, I just normalize and I try not to, you know, take the frustrations out on the kids, especially if it's completely unrelated to them. But you're right, they totally pick up on it. So when we are able to pause and have that self-awareness and demonstrate the regulation, I think that's a very powerful tool.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (14:17)

Can you tell me, like families that you work with or for yourself, what are, yeah, some good examples of self-care?

Dr. Brittany Wade (14:26)

You know, for me, self-care is successful when I can build it into my already existing schedule and I get caught in not practicing self-care when it feels like an extra thing or when I get stuck in like this ⁓ loop of thinking that self-care has to be leisure. And again, I think those two things are different. So I think exercise is a fantastic way to practice self-care and get something that definitely is restorative in nature and resets that nervous system. So for me, that looks like protecting, you

know, time to work out with a trainer twice a week for 30 minutes. There's a family that I work with and the parents try and set aside time to run like the distance of a 5k over the weekends. And they'll even like get childcare to protect that time to do it together, which I think is fantastic. Again, for my family, something that's functional is taking an after dinner walk. So, you know, the whole family will be a part of that. We'll put my baby in the stroller and my three year old is often on

his little bike and we go for a family walk which is really nice. So I think building it into your schedule is really functional whether it's through exercise or things like setting aside one you know morning a week that you're gonna enjoy your coffee in silence and not jump right into the duties of parenthood.

Other things that you can do, again, just mindfulness, taking deep breaths. I know you mentioned yoga. That's a fantastic way to practice self-care. of self-care?

Dr. Courtney Lynn (15:50)

Yeah, well actually the one

I love that you brought up having your coffee alone in the morning, I know for me, I have to wake up before everyone. There have been times where I'm like, okay, I'm, you know, again, the spiral, like I'm going to bed late, I need to get more sleep tomorrow or else I'm gonna be really cranky. But if I am not awake before everyone, something about like waking up in chaos or what feels like chaos and like.

Breakfast is already being made, and the day is already started. I feel so disorganized. My brain is firing immediately. so I do, I ebb and flow with this for sure, but I try to get up before everyone. Something about the house being silent I think is so helpful, even if it's for 15 minutes of laying in bed awake, but everyone else is sleeping.

Something about that really sets the day off on a much better foot than waking up after everyone and hearing everyone banging dishes downstairs making breakfast.

Dr. Brittany Wade (16:55)

Yes, and I would say that is one of the really nice things about having older children, whereas...

Dr. Courtney Lynn (16:59)

Right, yeah exactly, they're not waking me up,

yeah yeah. You're like looking at me like, that sounds great. Right. Yes,

Dr. Brittany Wade (17:06)

That's amazing and also is not a reality for my current situation with very young children. But I can aspire to that someday.

That exists for me in the future with teenagers. So that's excellent. yeah, think, you know.

Protecting that time that's like I really come back to that like self-care should be time that's protected and again That's something you build into your schedule You set the intention of waking up early to have that time and that can totally set the tone for the rest of your day So and again, I also think you know I mentioned like the hot shower But that is something that does help me like regulate my nervous system at the end of the day like it just is very calming to me and You know, there's also like researches suggest like red light therapy and like these other things you really healing to the body even just

Dr. Courtney Lynn (17:48)

Yeah.

Dr. Brittany Wade (17:50)

getting outside, even if it's not exercise, just sitting outside and embracing the sun. those are things that can be really healing. So figuring out what feels good to you and what's functional for you and what you can build into already existing habits, I think is helpful.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (18:04)

Right, right.

I'm curious because you were saying, I loved the example of the going for a walk after dinner too. And that kind of like, I don't know, kills two birds with one stone, so to speak. Like it's time altogether as a family, but you're also regulating your nervous system. You're getting outside. You're signaling to your body like, we're home now. This is, you know, we're starting to get ready gearing up toward bed. So I'm curious your thoughts on just the fact that self-care

maybe doesn't have to be by yourself all of the time if we're thinking about it in terms of like keeping our nervous system regulated.

Dr. Brittany Wade (18:43)

Yes, and especially as a parent, feel like trying to separate this idea from like self-care has to be just self-serving and only on my own time and without anyone present is so helpful because the reality is there's not much opportunity where, again, for me with two very small children, there's very few minutes during the day that I am just totally by myself and I'm not with other people, whether it's professionally or again, my family, because they just require a lot of my time, particularly having a baby that I'm doing everything for.

So, being able to reframe that of like, you know, the self-care is really about me setting my intention of like, this is time I'm protecting for myself or an activity I'm doing for myself. And of course, like the whole family can benefit, but I'm getting something out of this and I'm recognizing that this is restorative in nature for me. I think that's really the key component, regardless of other people being present or not. mean, self-care can also look like, you know, rather than letting my three-year-old dictate what we're going to listen to in the car on the way to school, like, mommy's going to pick the music.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (19:30)

right.

Right.

Dr. Brittany Wade (19:42)

right? Because

this is that I enjoy listening to and this is music that helps me regulate because if I'm listening to you know Blippi like that's not particularly you know healing to me so you know it's just kind of figuring out where to work things into your already existing schedule and that's what is what's going to set you up for success.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (19:59)

Right.

Oh, those are, I'm just, yeah, thinking about just real life. It is really hard, you know, being in the car. don't know. Your toddler wants to listen to something. It's driving you insane. I'm not saying that you said it's driving you insane, but I can imagine like, Oh my gosh, do I have to listen to the song? We're getting more dysregulated, but we like, you know, need to act happy to go to preschool so we don't ruin the morning. It's just really difficult to do all of it.

Dr. Brittany Wade (20:27)

it is. Finding that balance can be tricky. But I think our default as parents is to prioritize everyone else around us. And so that's where being intentional with prioritizing ourselves can be really critical. I also think it's helpful not to get to the point of burnout before we start to implement some of these things. And I think ⁓

that's the temptation to like wait until we get to that point that we're just so overspent that it's like I've got to do something different but making it part of your daily practice so that you don't get to that point so that you can be present for everything else that you want to be present for.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (21:01)

Right.

Dr. Brittany Wade (21:04)

So I just, think that's another key aspect is not waiting to the point of burnout. And again, if that means you need to rely on other resources in terms of delegating tasks or protecting time, like use those resources. That's what your partner's there for.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (21:17)

Right. OK, can we

talk about something else that happens that I see often is, all right, well, yes, I'm going to go for a walk after dinner. I want to do that by myself. Or I'm going to go upstairs in my room and take a bath. I'm going to do that by myself. But I'm going to come downstairs, and the dishes are still going to be in the sink. And the toys are still going to be all over the floor. Like, those things are not going to get done. So now I'm torn between.

taking care of myself or getting this stuff done because I'm going to have to do it anyways. I don't know. Does that make sense? What would you say to that?

Dr. Brittany Wade (21:55)

I would say that like practicing self care does not remove any of your pre-existing responsibilities. That's just it. And here's the thing. I think, again, back to this like culture of productivity, for many of us, we're like conditioned to think that like getting our to-do list done is some version of self care, which is kind of messed up. I think.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (22:15)

Right. Yeah.

Dr. Brittany Wade (22:17)

Why do we equate that with self-care? ⁓ I clean the baseboards and if I do all of the dishes in the sink, that's not self-care. That's just taking care of your to-do list, right?

Dr. Courtney Lynn (22:27)

Yeah.

Dr. Brittany Wade (22:30)

Like, yes, if we practice self care by putting something on pause and going in, you know, taking that hot bath and then returning to it, like, it's not going to remove the responsibilities, but it will potentially make them a little more tolerable where that additional time doesn't feel quite as stressful. And that's something that like, at least I find, you know, when I am able to pause and engage in self care and then re-engage in my everyday responsibilities, things feel less stressful. I don't feel as like emotionally activated. I feel more present.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (22:44)

Yes.

Dr. Brittany Wade (23:00)

I feel more calm. I feel better equipped to manage my everyday responsibilities. So it doesn't remove those responsibilities, but I do think it makes them a little more tolerable.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (23:11)

I love

that reframe because I'm thinking, right, there's like two parts. The one part that's like, my gosh, we need a break. I need to like calm down. And then the other part that's no, we need to get these things done and then you can take a break. And I feel like being able to listen to the part of you that really does need a break, like you said, will then maybe make the dishes at least just feel a little bit more calm or like feel like we can handle.

things rather than just that frantic energy of like go, go. We need to get all these things done and then we can relax.

Dr. Brittany Wade (23:46)

Which is also contributing to that idea of the break is earned, Like, prioritizing yourself is something that you have to earn and I think reinforces this idea that it's not a necessity versus making it a priority and saying, no, this is actually gonna help me again show up for all these other duties, responsibilities, people, you know, I think is helpful.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (23:49)

Okay.

Yeah.

For partners, are there things that you would recommend in terms of almost like getting on the same page? Because I know you alluded to this earlier. It can look different for each partner, right? What they need in terms of self-care and what they do find helpful for regulating. mean, even a hot shower is different than going for a four mile run. Time wise, it's different. You're still in the house in case.

something happens that really needs your attention. what are ways that you find helpful to communicate those things to each other and to make sure that it feels equitable, even though if the time amount is different or something along those lines.

Dr. Brittany Wade (24:51)

Yeah, I think that's...

Such a helpful question because I think there's a difference between like the time being equal and things being equitable, right? So equitable looks like, you know, I've had a really stressful day. I need to prioritize self care a little bit more than my husband. Equal would be we get the same exact amount regardless of like how depleted we each are feeling. So I think aiming for equitable is excellent. And just how do we achieve that? think through consistent communication and you can have like a great plan. It's like, ⁓ this is what we're doing for the week.

and here's my time and here's your time, but those things can get derailed, right? And then it's like my needs have shifted or you know what, actually today I had two cancellations of my schedule and I had time to work in a workout. So I don't need that time and like let's focus on doing something different, but that's where the consistent communication I think is helpful. Also again, just having the discussion of like the differences between self-care and leisure activities and trying to prioritize both for both partners I think can help.

I think it's just an ongoing process of navigating, like how those things can vary over time the routine communication can help, you know, make sure that people are on the same page.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (26:02)

Right. I like the,

what you just said about checking in with each other in terms of how depleted each person feels because different things can deplete different people. Right. Like, you know, even if you're cuddling for a long time, that can still feel exhausting to some parents because you're, just don't want to be touched all of the time by your kids. Whereas for another person that can feel really restorative to co-regulate and you know, to cuddle. So it can feel what burns each parent out can just be so.

different.

Dr. Brittany Wade (26:33)

Yes, totally agree. And you can't anticipate that without having those conversations because I might assume my gosh, this is so draining to my husband and it's not and I think, you know, it's easy if I think about interactions that we have with our kids, he loves to like sit and tinker with Legos. And for me, that's something again, that like requires a little bit more of my energy. It's not natural to my interest, but I will do it. And I enjoy my time with my son. But for my husband, like that probably is a more restorative activity because he just, he loves Legos himself.

so much. So checking in, like how can I support you? Do you need to tap in, tap out? Like that's so healthy.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (27:06)

Yeah,

I like what you said too about being in line with each of your interests and what feels restorative and easy for one parent. Playing might be really easy for one parent and not easy for another parent at all. So yeah, it's important to communicate about those things.

Okay. I'm thinking something that just came up as you were sharing all of this. I feel like there's a grief process because before kids, our self care might look very different. We might be able to go on a trip with friends or go, you know, to the gym for an hour and walk there, whatever it is. And there's almost this grief process, which I feel like

can make self care even harder because it looks so different. It's almost like we have to get rid of the idea of what self care looked like before kids and recognize that it looks different now and it's not going to look the same.

Dr. Brittany Wade (28:06)

Yes, I think that's so helpful to think about and I agree wholeheartedly. It almost feels like self-care is impossible, ⁓ you know, when you have kids, if you're comparing it to what you were doing beforehand. So being, I think, realistic about expectations. And again, this is where I come back to the difference between self-care and leisure. And, you know, maybe some of the things that you were considering self-care previously were more leisure activities and there's still time for that, but maybe it looks different and maybe it looks like going on a family vacation.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (28:17)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Brittany Wade (28:36)

than going on a vacation with your friends, but how can you kind of build those things that you were doing previously into...

your new family dynamic. And maybe there's ways to still prioritize some of the aspects of what you were doing before now that you do have a family. So, you know, for my husband and I, maybe it looks like on a family vacation, like arranging for childcare to go out just the two of us for an evening to have a date night, ⁓ you know, whatever it might be. But I do think just like you said, that grieving process is kind of critical to accept that self-care looks different. And how can I build self-care?

Dr. Courtney Lynn (29:06)

you

Dr. Brittany Wade (29:09)

care into my new family dynamics but also account for some of those leisure activities like we discussed.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (29:14)

Yeah,

right. It's just so different. there is, while having a child is this wonderful, beautiful thing, and creating a family, it's really wonderful. It is different, and acknowledging that it is a new chapter. The chapter previous has closed, and it is a new chapter. And there's going to be parts of it that maybe we don't really like, and that we might miss things from the other chapter. That doesn't mean that we don't love.

our kids and love having a family and love our life. It's just very different. And I think being able to acknowledge that can also relieve some of the pressure and guilt a little bit.

Dr. Brittany Wade (29:52)

I totally agree. Yeah. I think it's helpful to acknowledge that and to process those feelings and, you know, being able to like let go of your idea of how things should be for the sake of embracing how they are and being okay with that and not beating yourself up if you can't, you know, even if the trip with friends is aspirational and you can't make that happen. Well, maybe there is a point at which that happens for you again in the future. It's just not at this moment and there's still ways to achieve that same like fun, excitement adventure within your family potentially. So,

Yeah, I think recognizing the major shift is helpful.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (30:26)

Yeah, right, it

is a big shift.

is one thing you want parents to know? Parents who are listening who are like, OK, yes, self-care, I can reframe that as nervous system regulation. I can think about doing small things. If I take time for myself, I can be more present for my family. All of that sounds great. Yeah, what is one thing that you want parents to know who are maybe still struggling to be able to either find the time or recognize the importance?

Dr. Brittany Wade (30:58)

I think the most helpful thing to consider with self-care is that it's achievable and...

we can find ways to integrate it that are already compatible with our busy lives. I think for me, like accepting that is what allowed me to implement it versus feeling like it's one more thing. It's one extra. It's like, no, like there's ways to build it into what I'm doing already and recognizing that it is vital. And that helps me show up for all these other areas of my life that are really important. Like it's so easy for me to prioritize my kids or my husband or even work above like my

own needs but I'm a better parent, I'm a better mom, and I'm a better clinician as a result of making that time for myself. So really buying into that and I think over time like the more I've practiced it the more reinforced I am because I see the benefits.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (31:51)

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much. This was wonderful and very helpful. There's so many little snippets in there that I know parents will be able to use. So I really appreciate you coming on the show.

Dr. Brittany Wade (31:53)

Yes.

Thank you so much for having me and I had a really fun time chatting with you so I appreciate it as well.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (32:12)

Yes, all right.

Dr. Courtney Lynn (32:15)

I hope that conversation with Dr. Brittany helped lower the bar for what you consider self care today. My biggest takeaway from today was the reminder that self care is restorative in nature, not just another task on the list. As Dr. Brittany mentioned, getting your to-do list done is productivity, not regulation. Whether it's a 30 minute workout or just three deep breaths in the car before school drop off.

These moments are vital signs for your health. I love how Dr. Brittany uses her experience as a mom to keep her clinical advice practical. It's a great reminder that our kids don't need us to be perfect. They need to see us modeling what it looks like to take care of ourselves so we can be more present for them. Here are your next steps from today's episode. The equitable check-in. This week, have a conversation with your partner. Don't just look for an equal split of time. Look at who is the most depleted and how you can tap in for each other.

Identify your micro regulation. What is one five minute habit you can build into your existing schedule? Is it the coffee and silence, the hot shower at the end of the day, name it and protect it. Also follow Dr. Brittany and her practice. If you're in Illinois or Florida and looking for specialized support, check out her team at thrive child psychology. And lastly, if you're struggling to communicate these needs to your partner, download my free co-parenting U-turn workbook. using the link in the show notes. Until then, remember, you don't have to be perfect to be a great parent. We are all learning about how to raise kids these days.