Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the upside to grief.

My name is Story, and I am your host.

And today we are going to be talking with Roseanne.

Hello.

We are on chapter four.

Chapter four.

Yep.

Chapter four.

And I am super excited to have you on the podcast.

Thanks for having me.

Of course.

We've known each other for a little over two years, and I've always known about your grief journey, but I haven't spoke with you in depth.

No, a lot about it.

Yeah.

And I think we both lost.

You lost Ken, and I lost my dad that same year, actually a couple months away from each other, so it.

Almost kind of felt like this.

I don't know, it's just like this thing that was always there between us.

But I'm excited I use that word strangely.

Got it.

I'm looking forward to sharing space with you.

So thank you for coming on to.

Share your time, for allowing me to be here.

Of course.

So do you want to share who we're talking about today?

So we're talking about my dad.

I am a huge daddy's girl, actually.

I'm the middle of three girls.

Well, four girls.

He passed away in 2003.

So 2023.

So April 19, 2023.

Two years ago.

This from this year.

He was a diabetic.

He was diabetic.

He had a lot of health problems.

He also served in the Navy for 27 years as a corpsman.

So he actually got to a point where he felt like he didn't need his medication.

He felt like he didn't need to go to the doctor, and he didn't.

He knew how to take care of himself.

He knew his body.

He knew what he had to do.

And then it came down to him not knowing how to stay alive.

He ended up in the hospital a couple times, the emergency room visits prior to that.

And he just continued on this road of not wanting to take care of himself and not taking his medication and not going to his doctor appointments.

And then finally, he had hit the emergency room in early April, and he was there for a few weeks.

I was there.

I was able to be there the whole time.

We were, you know, my mom, my sisters, and I, we were able to be in the hospital room the whole time that he was going through his last few weeks of his life.

I felt like that whole time it went by so fast.

It.

From the time he hit the emergency room until the time he took his last breath, I felt like it just happened in a matter of, like.

Seconds.

You know, I remember him being very angry for being in there and wanting to go home.

There was a point a couple days before he had passed, maybe even a day before he had passed where he was.

The doctors had told us that, you know, his option is to go home and be on hospice, but there he's not going to.

That's as far as it's going to go.

Like, he'll go home, and he'll probably die at home, you know, and.

Or he could stay here.

We'll do the morphine, this and that.

And I remember we had asked him, what.

What do you want to do?

And he wanted to go home.

We're like, you do understand what this means?

You understand that if you go home, you will stay in bed.

Like, you will not get up.

You won't.

You won't be able to do the things that you're doing now.

You won't.

You'll literally be bedridden, you know, and that's not how you want to live.

He's like, no, I want to go home.

So then that's when my mom and my sisters and I had to, like, regroup because we didn't think he was going to pick wanting to go home, and we just had to do what was best.

And we just.

We kept him in the hospital.

And the night he had passed, my sisters and I were in there, and they took him off the morphine.

They moved him upstairs, and, you know, we knew that he was taking his last couple breaths.

My mom came in there, and we listened to his favorite music, and.

Yeah, and then he died with all of us in there.

He passed away with all of us in there listening to his favorite songs.

And that was the very first time Anybody that close to me.

I don't think I've even ever dealt with death, actually.

You know, like, I've had people pass away who I've known.

I've had in my addiction.

I've known a few people who have overdosed.

But obviously, this was different, right?

Because it was my dad.

It was somebody who I've known my entire life.

So how do you continue to live your life the rest of your life without someone who brought you into life, without someone who you known your entire life?

You know, like, he was someone I always reached up to, someone I was.

Went to, someone who I felt 100% always supported.

Supported by.

So how am I supposed to live the rest of my life like this, without him, without him here?

So it was the first time I've ever had to deal with death.

And I didn't.

I didn't know how to navigate that.

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to feel.

I didn't know what was right and what was wrong, you know?

So my first.

My first.

The first times I've dealt with grief was because people were like, oh, it's because you're grieving.

Oh, it's because you're grieving.

Oh, that's grief, you know?

And I didn't.

I didn't know what that was.

When my dad was in.

When I was in.

In the hospital room with my dad by myself, by himself.

And I knew that he was obviously gonna die probably in a couple hours.

That's when I took the time to really let him know that I loved him, you know?

To let him know that I loved him and how proud I was of him.

And I knew that he was proud of me.

And I thanked him for the way he raised me.

I apologize for everything I've ever done because I didn't want him to leave this world and me stuck with the feelings of, I wish he knew this.

I wish I would have told him how much I loved him.

Or I wish he knew how proud I was of him, or I wish he knew that I loved.

That he loved me, you know?

So I told him.

And I actually have a video of him of me telling him, you know that I love you, and you know that I'm so happy that you're my dad.

You know that I know that you're proud of me.

And I'm like, you know these things.

Right.

And he nodded his head, so I know that there are so many things that.

Well, there's not so many things, but I know that him passing.

I was able to tell him everything that I would have regretted not saying to him if I hadn't said what I said.

So it allows me to deal with him not being here a lot easier, I feel like, because there's nothing left unsaid, you know?

Yeah.

Feeling like you have, in a sense, a sense of closure in that capacity.

Right, right, right.

Because, I mean, there are a lot of things right now that he's not here, obviously, for that I wish he was here for.

But those are the things that, like, I write down, you know, in my Letters to Dad book.

So James in New York and Jordan's playing volleyball and.

Yeah.

So, yes, I've never.

I've never known how to deal with death.

I was never around.

It.

I was.

I just.

I have this way of just shutting stuff down, you know, just, like, not gonna deal with it.

But I knew That I wanted to, and I had to deal with the death of my dad.

So.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, that's.

I think we have to deal with it, you know?

Can we backtrack a little bit?

Sure.

Just because.

I know, right.

You talk about growing up with your dad and how close you guys were and stuff like that, and so I guess I would like to hear a little bit, like, about your dad, like, when he was alive and his life and things that you shared.

Oh, he's amazing.

I mean, I see, like, all the stuff you post about him and all of that, and you really, like, you keep him alive in that sense.

But I would, like, there's love to hear about him if you want to share some stuff.

He was great.

He served 27 years in the Navy.

He was very athletic.

He had three girls, you know, that he raised.

And so he taught us all how to play tennis.

He was very.

He never got mad.

He wasn't really an angry person.

He, um.

If he was mad, that means you really messed up.

And I think the only time he ever really got mad was at me.

So I think that's the only time we've really seen him get angry.

And he wasn't the type, you know, to punish, like, physically.

It was always, sit down, talk, you know, let me tell you what you did or why did you do this and this and this and that.

And then when I hit my addiction, he was very.

I want to say.

I don't want to really want to say enabling, because it was my mom who is more.

Not really enabling, but it was my mom who is more like, bring her back in.

This is gonna be fine.

My dad was kind of like.

He got.

I think he got to a point where he was just like, you need to grow up.

Like, this is.

You know, we're not gonna do this with you anymore.

But he wasn't angry about it.

You know, he was just like a really.

He was just such a.

He was just such a sweet dude.

He was just the coolest guy.

Like, he.

I don't know.

He was so fun to talk to, and he was hilarious, and he loved his grandkids and my mom and all of us.

I ever.

If I ever need, like, I didn't even have to ask.

He would just automatically, you know, what do you need?

Or do you need this?

And.

Or just give it to me.

And I'm like, how do you know?

Just, like, you know, like, now it's like, things happen.

I'm like, oh, my God.

Why did that happen?

Oh.

Cause my dad because he probably just knew because that's how he was when he was alive.

He just.

Just knew when I needed something.

He just.

Yeah, he was a good dude.

And your parents were together for a really long time, right?

Yep.

They would have celebrated 48 years this year.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

So he was.

He was cool, but at the same time, you know, like, he.

And I remember being angry when he ended up in the hospital because I'm like, this is weird what you freaking.

This is what happens.

This is what freaking happens when you don't take care of yourself.

You know, like, you end up here and da, da, da.

And my sisters and I made a pact if anything ever happens when we get older and I don't.

I'm not going to the hospital.

Like, dad, like, please remind me of this moment, you know, so.

Yeah, but it.

It.

The.

Just the relief.

I don't want to say relief, because it's not really a relief, but it's just the.

Him not having to suffer, I guess, because, I mean, I don't really want to know if it's suffering because he kind of enjoyed not, you know, just doing whatever he wanted.

It wasn't.

I didn't really ever see him suffer.

When he was, like.

When he was going through it.

Yeah.

So, like, how long was he going through it before he actually ended up in the hospital?

Like, what was that timeline like?

Oh, okay.

So he actually, like, he started to kind of hallucinate a little bit.

Okay.

Like a month before, I want to say, he ended up in the emergency room.

So prior to that, there was, like, no idea that anything was going on.

No.

I mean, he would end up in the hospital because his.

For whatever reason, whether.

I mean, he would get sick and he'd end up in the hospital, you.

Know, but he'd always come out and they weren't like, there's anything serious.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

And then there's.

I have a video voice recording of one night when my mom called and was like, your dad's hallucinating.

You need to come over here.

And so I recorded.

I voice recorded the entire situation, and he was.

He was like hallucinating and thinking that the remote control was a video camera.

Just like weird things like that.

We ended up having to call the ambulance and they picked him up and then they released him.

So I don't know, it was.

It was a little bit a slow decline of his health, and then all of a sudden it just.

Yeah.

And then when he went in the month before, the.

What the One he went in the month before he passed.

That's when it was kind of like.

Yeah, it's not gonna get any better.

Got it.

I mean, that seems kind of, like, quick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But.

And.

And again, like, I didn't.

We didn't ever see him.

Like, he still, like, walked around and did things and was joking and was laughing.

I was like, in my.

Afterwards, I'm like, was he, like, silently suffering?

Like, was he in pain and not just not showing us, you know?

Because, yeah, it did happen and happened fast.

Yeah, it sounds like it happened quick.

I mean, he would fall asleep outside because he just wanted to, like, soak up the sun.

But I don't know.

Like, I don't know if he just didn't want to show us that he was suffering and ended up in the hospital just when it became too much, you know?

Yeah.

But I mean, I feel like you guys as a family are pretty close.

You know what I mean?

Like, you guys can see, like, in your face, like, you know, I feel like you guys would have noticed it.

Do you know what I mean?

But also, I think my mom did.

I think my mom did notice that.

I think my mom might have noticed it.

We have talked about it before, and I think she might have noticed when it was, like, near the end of, you know, him pushing and trying.

But yeah, now that I think about it, it did happen really fast.

But I remember him still walking around and just chilling, like, living his life and wanting.

He wanted to go everywhere with my mom, you know, like, he never wanted to stay at home, but he wasn't eating and he wasn't going pee and he wasn't going poop.

And, like, is this normal?

So is this normal?

Is this what happens with old age?

Yeah, this is.

Right.

So, yeah.

And he was a strong.

He was a strong dude.

So maybe he was hiding it.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Maybe we'll never know.

Never know.

We'll never know now, you know?

But maybe not on this timeline.

No.

So.

Yeah.

So that's when.

I mean, I guess.

Yeah, I didn't.

I didn't.

I guess I didn't really know how to deal with the death of my dad.

And.

And I. I think that's the case with most people.

Right.

Right.

Like, who's like, let me go seek out grief and how you deal with it, like, before it happens to you, Like, I don't know.

And it's gonna be different for every single person.

I think that you.

That you lose the grief.

I know it's gonna be different when.

If, God forbid, or when I lose my mom, it's gonna be different from the time I lost my dad, you know, and.

Yeah, it's not gonna be the same.

No, it's all different.

But it's.

It's definitely.

It shows the love you have for that person 100%, you know, because it does.

It does suck.

Do I wish that he was still here or do I wish for another day where I could just hold him and see him again?

Not if I knew that I was gonna have to say goodbye again.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I mean, we.

Everybody dies, and it's just something that we deal with.

And it does suck that he's not here.

And it makes me sad that he's missing out on a few things and a lot of things, but he wasn't healthy, you know?

And.

Yeah.

Earlier, you know, you had mentioned you do letters for your dad.

Do you want to share about that?

Like, just kind of like, I guess, what things that.

Things that you do now to incorporate him into your life?

Yeah.

So I got it for my.

For Christmas one year for my little sister.

It was Letters to Dad from Roseanne.

So whenever I go to visit his grave site, I ride in there and I think I've.

What I've done is I've kind of shifted my.

What would normally be, like, prayers.

Okay.

To letters to my dad.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, my fate, my faith obviously has played a huge role in my grief because I feel like I wouldn't be able.

I wouldn't have been able to let go and accept his death without knowing or.

Yeah.

Without knowing that I'm not going through it alone.

Does that make sense?

Like, it just.

I don't know how to explain it, really.

My.

Okay, so.

Yeah, so the letters kind of.

My prayers kind of switched to the letters because it.

I sit there when I go to visit his gravesite and I just.

I write and I write about, like, the stuff that's happening and.

And even the times where I.

Where I've seen him, where he were, the moments of knowing, you know, I'm like, oh, thank me or thank you for showing.

Thank me.

Thank you for showing for me here.

Thank you.

You know, what were you going to say?

But you're saying you switched from, like, prayers to that.

Like, what do you.

What do you mean?

I know.

Is that what you were trying to explain?

Yeah.

Because when.

What does that mean for you?

So when I lost him because I didn't know how to deal with it.

That's One of my prayers, you know?

Like, how do I do this?

Like, am I ever going to see him again?

How.

How am I going to get through this grief?

Like, I.

It would come to a point where I'm trying to fall asleep at night, and I can't sleep because in my head, I spiral down this, like, rabb of like, I will never see my dad again.

I will never hug him.

I will never hear his voice.

I will never, like, you know, just be around his presence.

And it keeps me.

It would keep me up at night.

Cause I'm like, how do I do this?

Like, how do I get through this?

How do I push through this, knowing I won't ever.

And then who knows?

I'm never gonna see my mom again?

You know, like, then I start.

Then you just go, yes.

Like, what happens?

What happens?

You know, it's not like they're.

It's not like he's deployed like he was when we were kids, you know, it's not like he's on vacation and he's going to come home.

Like, he will never come home, you know?

And I struggled with that for so long.

And so my prayers always was about, am I going to see him?

Like, what am I going to do?

How do I get through this?

Like, help me, you know, pull me through this, Walk me through this, anything, you know, Just like, give me the strength.

Give me.

Give me the courage.

Like, what?

Over and over and over again.

And then I ended up switching all that, like, all the questions to.

To my letters.

And that's when I started to write them out.

To my dad.

Shifting.

Right.

The energy.

Right.

Because I didn't want.

Right, exactly.

Because I didn't want to sit there and, like, continue to hang on to that.

Like, I will never.

I will never.

I will never know.

It's exhausting, defeating.

And like, yeah, it is.

It's very tiring.

So now it's, you know, and I just.

I don't know, switch them to writing him instead.

Like, whenever I feel.

Whenever I feel like I'm just like, God, I will never see this guy again, that's when I switch to the letters and I just.

I write them.

So, I mean, I'm almost done.

I should probably add more pages in there.

Add more pages?

Yeah.

Think I'm running out.

You get another, I guess, Volume two.

Volume two, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So my faith has.

Has played a huge role in this because I. I feel like, yeah, everyone is going to die.

We don't.

We're not created to live forever, you know?

And Just hanging on to the fact that, who knows?

Maybe I'll see him again, maybe I won't.

Do we know if heaven's real?

We don't know, you know?

But me hanging on to the fact that, like, he's.

He's somewhere better and I will see him again makes going through it so much easier.

Like, I don't know, if I didn't have anything to believe in, like, how I would do it, because.

Yeah, it literally keeps me up at night sometimes when I let myself get deep into those thoughts.

Like, oh, my God, like, he was with me my entire life, and in a matter of seconds, you know, now he's not.

And all I have are these pictures and the memories.

Like, it's crazy, you know, it's insane to think about, but I can't let myself think like that, you know?

And I can't focus on those thoughts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a lot.

That's a lot.

But that's good that you found something that, you know, helps walk you through this.

Not through that.

I don't like the word through because it implies that there's an end.

I mean, there.

There is technically an end.

That's a good one to life.

But.

But I'm saying, like, I don't.

I don't like the term through because it's like, you know, it never ends.

It.

It never ends.

Right.

What did I say?

There was, like, something else I started saying.

I forget what it was.

But then I think the last thing I settled on was, like, that I live with grief.

Yeah.

Like, it just becomes a part of your life.

It just is like a part of who I am.

And I was thinking about earlier today or the day before.

It was like.

Like the primary factor in my life.

I don't know how else to explain it.

Like, you know, like, when you think about some people, how, like, their primary factor is recovery or their kids or their.

And, I mean, you can have more than one.

But I was, like, thinking about that in that aspect, and I'm like.

I mean, mine is grief.

Like, I feel like that's what it is.

Which, I don't know, sometimes can be, like, a lot to think about.

I'm like, is there.

Is there gonna be more than this?

Yeah.

I mean, I hope so, but, you know, I don't.

I don't know.

Yeah.

So now that you're, like.

Now that you've experienced, like, a close loss.

Right.

Did it change your perception of life?

Like, morals, values?

Like, did you feel a big shift in yourself as a person?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Maybe.

Maybe because I didn't lose my dad, maybe because I. I was able to, like, be there for him, you know, during his last moments.

I feel like if it was a different way, like if I had never.

If I wasn't able to say the things that I was able to say to him, or if I wasn't there for his last breath, or if I didn't have that closure.

Yeah.

I think 100%.

I mean, either way.

Yeah.

Don't take people for granted, you know, like, tell people you love them.

Like, hold your family close.

Don't, you know, just live like you're not going to see tomorrow.

Yeah.

And I think if I would have lost him without the chance to say something to him, like, it would have hit.

It would hit me harder.

Not hit me harder, but I would look at it maybe differently.

Yeah.

Kind of like with your situation with Ken, like, I couldn't even imagine.

I can't even imagine with you being in a recovery home and then having that.

Having hear that news, trying to stay sober, trying to stay clean.

You know what I mean?

Like, man, like, when I.

Even just thinking about it sometimes that what you had to deal with, it's just like, it would have broken my heart, you know, like, if I knew you during that time, like, I wouldn't even know how to deal with that for you.

I met you right after that.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, if we were talking, like, during that time, it was happening.

Oh, yeah.

And I think I met.

I think I met you.

Like, it was like two or three weeks after that was.

That's insane.

And you were out here just doing your thing.

I was a crazy person at FIT camp.

You remember when I used to work, when I used to work out.

Oh, you mean when I called you Britney and you were like, it's a story.

That's fun.

I was.

That was.

I needed something to do.

I needed something to do.

I was.

No, you were like.

All I was doing was working out.

You're like, are we running at this?

Yep, sure are.

Yeah.

First.

First one in every.

First person in everything.

Yeah.

Do you had that laser focus?

And then I heard and I found out about your story and I found out what happened.

I'm just like, man, I can't even.

Did I tell you?

Imagine you did.

Okay.

Like, I was.

There was such a fog for me during that time.

Yeah.

There's a lot of stuff I don't remember.

Yeah, you did.

And I couldn't even imagine.

Just Your heart being ripped out of your chest.

You know what I mean?

And it's like you chose that person and that person chose you.

I didn't have a choice on who my dad was.

I love that he's my dad and I love that God chose him to be my dad because I wouldn't be who I am without him.

But like, the fact that, like, you know, the person you chose out of all these people ripped out of your life.

Yeah.

With no way of any closure.

You know what I mean?

Like, I can't even imagine.

It's shit.

Yeah, I bet.

I absolutely bet.

Because the fact that I was able to have the closure with my dad that I had was still shit.

But it was still shit.

Yeah.

It all sounds, you know.

Yeah.

And it never ends.

It never ends.

It never ends.

You know, I will.

I had.

Can I side quest?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, of course.

So I will say, like, another one of the segments we're gonna do on the podcast, which we haven't done yet, is called Grief in the Wild.

And that was something that I feel like, for me happened pretty frequently at the beginning, but then it became less because I just became less.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, it decided that it was going to happen again the other day.

Okay.

Like, I'm talking about it like it's an entity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That damn grief, it is a whole ass entity for real.

Right.

And I was at a mind of.

Its own, I feel like.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like it's an entity.

What's another word for.

I don't know what else to call it.

Right.

It is.

It's like, oh, hey, haven't seen you in a while.

Thanks for stopping by.

Right around my period, too.

Of course.

And so I had got off of work and I was on my way home and I was like, I need frozen fruit for my smoothies.

I don't want to have to get up and do it in the morning.

I'll just go now.

Because I had worked my day job and my night job, so I was tired.

And so I went to Vaughn's like a couple blocks away.

And as I'm on the freeway, my brain just decides that we're going to be sad and not just like, I'm just not feeling it today.

Like, I was like thinking about Ken and more or less thinking about, like, wow, this is my life.

Like, he's dead.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, lately it's been really.

My brain's been really mean to me lately.

And I don't know why.

I don't know.

But so I'm crying and I get to bonds and I'm like.

I take a deep breath and I like, park my Jeep and I'm sitting there and I'm like, okay, I'm just going to cry it out real quick.

And then I'm going to go in there and I get my fruit.

Buy my damn fruit, and I'm going to be fine.

Yeah.

And so I'm like, okay, like, take a couple breaths.

And I'm in the grocery store.

I'm just like, trying to pick out peaches.

And then I'm just like.

And I'm like, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Like, you know, at the point where I'm, like, getting upset with myself, where I'm like, like, you just get it.

You just had 10 minutes in the Jeep to do this.

Yeah.

You know, and it just.

It.

It brought me back to how I felt or in the earlier stages of it just being like, exactly.

Whenever, wherever.

Or what about when the date starts coming closer and then the smell of the air or like the weather and you're like, dang.

It's always the.

I feel like the.

The day is co. Coming up to date is worse than the actual day for me.

100 so far.

This.

This is what I know so far.

I don't know.

I still feel like a baby when it comes to grief.

Like, I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're both in year three.

Yeah.

And it feels like forever.

Year three sucks.

Yeah.

Agreed, man.

I haven't even driven down the road that passes Tri City on the way that I used to always drive by to go to that hospital.

Like, there's another way.

I haven't.

I have yet.

It's been three years.

Three years.

Four.

Two years.

We're in three.

We're in year.

Right, Right, Right.

Three.

Yeah.

And I have two years completed going into the third.

I have yet to drive past that hospital on that side.

And you know what I was thinking about?

Why that's the same way it was when I had gotten clean.

Like, it was like grieving.

I.

It.

It's so crazy now that I'm thinking about it.

Grieving your past self.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

Like, because how long we.

We would use for.

And then you got to say goodbye to that person.

And I mean, don't get me wrong.

We've had fun times.

She needed to go.

It was fun.

Right?

It was fun.

The places we've been, whatever the things we've done.

And it was a good time.

And it lasted for so long.

Mine was 16 years.

From 16 to 32 so, yeah, you say goodbye to that person.

It's kind of like grieving that whole life, right?

What a freaking epiphany I just had on your show.

Dude, that is so dope.

Yeah.

Grief of the self.

Yeah.

That's insane.

But there's an upside to all of this.

Is there?

There has to be.

There has to be, right?

There's no way that we deal with grief and just the negative parts of it for the rest of our lives.

Like, there has to be an upside.

I mean, right?

Please tell me that's what this is about.

This is why I'm here.

Give me the answer.

You said there was.

It's literally in the title.

No, but for real, like, there is.

There is.

There is.

There's a different connection.

What is there, people?

What is.

What is your upside to grief?

Oh, I guess I didn't really prepare for that, even though I should have, because.

That's a good question.

What is my upside to grief?

Like, when you think about the last two years going into third, you know what?

I think it's.

I've never cried as much as I have in these last three years, to be honest.

Or two years, like, out of your whole life until now.

Right.

Okay.

And another thing.

I took myself off my medication when he hit the ER.

Like, I've been on antidepressants, bipolar medication since 2012, and so I took myself off in.

Which was probably not smart, but two years, I'm still not on them, so we're doing pretty good.

When Ken died, I stopped taking all.

My meds because I wanted to feel every single emotion I didn't want.

And the medication makes me feel nothing.

Not really nothing, but I wasn't happy.

I wasn't sad.

You know, I was just like, whatever.

You already felt everything and nothing.

For me, it was.

I feel everything, and I feel nothing.

And the meds are doing nothing because I feel nothing.

So I'm not gonna take them.

I just have to do it.

Yep.

So took myself off of him when he hit the er, Made the decision, okay, I'm just gonna take myself off because I don't want to not feel.

You don't want to rob yourself of this.

And I think that's what the upside was, you know?

And then also during that time, I think I already told you this story, but during that time, a really good friend.

Friend of mine, when I was planning my dad's funeral, wanted me to get high, if you want.

I don't know if you've told me this, really.

I don't think so, okay, so that's another thing.

Why I don't talk to this friend anymore.

Or maybe no names mentioned.

Okay, I think I know who you're talking about, but I don't think I know about this, like, direct thing.

Yeah.

So I was planning my dad's funeral, and not one, not two, but three times this person asked me to get high.

If you want to just take a road trip, we'll do it together.

You don't even told my guy Matthew, during that time, told him, don't worry.

If she's going to relapse, she'll relapse with me.

What the.

Exactly.

And I was upset.

I was upset because I was like.

And then I even told her that after the third time that she asked me, I remember I was outside doing a smog, and she comes out there and she was like, offer sociens.

We want to get high.

We can go take a road trip.

I don't know if she was joking, but either way, when someone's going through the loss of a parent and you have so many years sober off meth, you don't come up to me and that be your reason or that be your antidote for my.

For my grief.

That's wild.

So I told her, I'm like, what?

Like, why would I do that?

And she was like, yeah, you're right.

Why would you do that?

I'm like, no, seriously, like, you know how upset my dad would be if he was alive and I'm using drugs to, like, cope.

Like, no, like, that's not.

And so the upside to my grief.

Yeah.

I'm like, wait a minute.

How do we get here?

Yeah.

The upside to my grief is that I wanted to be able to feel those feelings, you know?

And I, like, I have loved being able to feel the feeling of losing someone I love and being able to, like, bring up memories that I probably would have never brought up.

Being able to see these pictures and remembering when these pictures were taken.

Yeah, it makes me sad, but it allows me to tap into a part of myself that I feel like I wouldn't have.

I wouldn't tap into on a normal basis.

You know, Like, I'm not going through these pictures, and I see me and my sisters, and I'm like, oh, that's.

You know, that's during this time or during this time.

So I feel like it allows me to be like, oh, my God, like, that was when my dad did this.

Or that's so cool, because da, da, da.

You know, it allows me to tap into a certain part of me that I've never been able to tap into or chose not to or medicated to, you know.

Yeah, that's my.

What, what's your upside to grief?

What's my upside to grief?

My whole.

It changed my whole life, you know, Grief reshaped who I am as a human.

Something that has been really present or like on my mind.

Heavy is actually in the previous chapter.

Two chapters ago, when we talked with Erica about her dad, she said something very profound, or at least that's how I took it.

And I was like.

Like it just stuck with me.

And it was that what her dad gave her was a gift.

And she said that and I got the goosebumps.

Yeah.

And I was like.

Cuz it's true.

Yeah.

You know, and so then I'm thinking about it and my perspective, you know.

And then I'm like, fuck, like Ken gave me as a gift, you know?

And I'm like, like it's, you know, it's more than just a hard pill to swallow.

Like that would be the phrase you would use.

Right.

But I'm like, it is.

And so I think I'm still trying to like process it.

Yeah.

Like I know it's the truth, right.

I know it's the true.

I know it to be true.

I don't know why I'm not.

It just feels weird to accept it.

Even though what you do is accept gifts.

Right.

You're supposed to do.

Right?

Yeah.

Like, no thanks, I'm good.

Take it back.

Not this time.

Not this time.

So I mean, I've been thinking about that and it really.

It is true.

It is, it is a gift.

Like death is gift.

Because it just.

It changed who I was completely as a person.

Like the way I think about everything.

Like time, why I do the things that I do, who I spend my time with.

Like everything.

There's a reason and there's a purpose.

Yeah.

Behind everything that I do.

Like I'm very intentional with everything.

And I think it also just allows us to like hang on to.

To them, you know what I mean?

Like, and not keep them far from our memory.

You know what I'm saying?

Like I think it, when it pops in, it's like.

Oh.

It kind of allows you to remember, you know, like hang on and not forget.

Yeah.

And I was so.

I was thinking about this this morning actually when I was drinking my coffee.

All I do is think about grief.

And talk about it.

So yeah, I was thinking about this, but in the reverse situation and the sense of like, like.

Right.

Like death is a gift that was given to me from my husband.

Right.

Grief.

The grief that came from that death.

And I think because of the, like, way that it's profoundly changed my life, I'm like, this is a weird and fucked up thing to say.

Like, I hope that when I die that it changes somebody's life.

Yeah.

So much that they then come to the realization that they're like, holy fuck, this is a gift.

Yeah.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

It's a weird thing to think about though, right?

Yeah, no, not at all.

I mean, no.

Besides, like, you know, leaving, like, right.

Your kids or your family or siblings, like, good things or good memories or.

You know what I mean?

Or having them set up and all those things.

But, like.

Because some people don't have good relationships, right.

And they die and, you know, okay, that person is just probably angry or.

You know what I mean?

There's so many variables that could happen that it's like, if I can have that effect on somebody, that can.

Had on me, I feel like I'm sure that would be a positive.

Right.

Like, I think it's the way that it's supposed to go.

100, I think, like full circle.

Yeah.

Because it's just a cycle.

Yeah.

Of course that, like, we all go through, like, Right.

We all live, we all die, we all grieve.

But nobody talks about it.

Nobody talks about it.

But that's why we're doing this.

That's why we're here, to talk about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think about to now I'm just talking about random shit, but did you ever have like a goldfish die as a kid?

Or like, you know how that's like a common thing that you see?

Right.

And then you're like rabbits?

Like, did you learn about death when.

You were a kid?

Or was it like, no, there's just a new rabbit in the cage?

Yeah, no, we didn't.

It wasn't.

Like I said, like, we've never really dealt with death.

You know, when my mom's grandparents died or my mom's parents died, so my grandparents, yeah, we were close to them, but they died in the Philippines.

And I think in my head, I've always just been like, oh, okay, well, you know, life goes on.

Because, I mean, it does.

And even when my dad passed, life goes on.

You know, it.

It does make it very sad that they're not here.

But, I mean, I'm.

I don't know.

And I hate sounding so, like, emotionless, I guess you would say I guess about it, but it's like, there's nothing we can do about it, you know?

There's nothing we can do other than live on to.

I don't know, just continue to live on.

And I. I feel like we go through, like, flows, right?

Because there's times where it'll come up, and I'll, you know, be like, oh, he died.

And people are like.

I'm like, it's okay.

It's fine.

You know what I mean?

Right, right, right, right.

Don't have a breakdown.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Exactly.

You know, I'm doing all right.

You know?

And then there's other times where it's like.

Like, you didn't.

I don't want to.

You know?

I feel like it's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just a part of the human experience.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So.

And the longer we stay alive, the more people will have to see die.

Mm.

Right.

So it's not gonna end, you know?

Yeah, no, it'll keep.

It'll keep happening.

Yeah, it's.

Yeah, it is, but that's.

And then that's when my faith comes in, because I'm like, hang on to that faith that you're gonna see him again and you're not doing this alone.

Like, even when I feel like I want to be alone, even when I feel like I don't physically want someone there to be with me, because there are days, right, where you're just like, no, just leave me alone.

Like, I don't.

I don't want someone to hug me.

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

I don't want someone to tell me he's in a better place.

I don't.

I just want to be alone.

I just want to sit in my feelings, and I just want to deal, you know?

And I feel like that's where my faith.

That's where my faith comes in heavily.

Because it's like, yeah, when I don't want any.

When I don't want the world there with me, trying to comfort me in a worldly way.

I do it through God, you know?

And I. I look more up than I do out.

Right?

Like, yeah.

Just.

I don't know.

And it's.

It's crazy because it allows me to.

To deal with it in a better way.

It allows me to walk through it.

Through it allows me to walk alongside it in an easier way, I guess.

Can I ask you a question about your faith?

Sure.

So.

Because I just had.

I saw you posted Something.

There's Jaden's birthday.

Oh, yeah, Right.

And it was like a little snippet about you.

She had.

You said something to her and her reply, like, you weren't.

You didn't have faith at that point.

Which one?

You were saying, like something about.

You were talking to her.

Oh, when she was a little girl.

Yeah, that.

Yeah.

Can you share?

Yeah, she was.

Because you weren't like no.

Religious at the time, right?

No, not.

I haven't been.

Okay.

So I was 2000, 2014 when the Roseanne Reformation happened.

After my two years of being clean and then reformation.

When that happened, I.

That's when I got really into my faith and I got baptized and I got, you know, really dug into my spirituality and my relationship with God.

So before that, when I was, like, still using, obviously, I always just had this feeling that there was a God, but I was afraid.

Afraid to really put my feet into the water because I was afraid he was going to test my.

My faith to him.

So anyways, Jaden, on the other hand, she's my oldest.

Just turned 21 this month.

She was.

Gosh, I don't remember how old she was.

She must have been like four or five.

Never took that girl to church.

She knew nothing about God.

I never talked about God.

And out of nowhere, we had just finished scoring dope.

I took her with me, her and my son in Escondido.

We're on the freeway and.

Is this the story you're talking about?

She's in the back seat and she asked me, how do I know if God's real?

Yes.

Yeah.

So she's in the backseat, you know, I'm jamming out to whatever.

Eminem maybe, probably.

And she's like, mom.

And I'm like, yeah.

And then she was like, how do you know if God's real?

I don't know, Jayden.

You know, like, I don't know.

And who the hell is teaching you about God?

Like, I'm never taking this kid to church.

How do you know who that is?

Yeah, exactly.

And then I was like, I don't know, Jordan.

You just.

Jayden, you just know.

And I'm like, why?

And then she was like, because I think I feel him in my heart.

I'm like, what the hell?

You feel him in your heart?

Like, what does that even.

What does that even feel like?

You don't even know who he is.

You even know that?

What?

Like, I was trippin.

I'm like, there's no way.

How so?

I don't even know where that came from, you know, and so it was during that time where I felt like, okay, maybe I should start taking the kids at church.

Maybe I should, you know, this and that.

But, yeah, so my relationship with God was a little bit sketchy during that time up until 2014.

And that's when I really decided to dig into my faith and find out, what's this guy about?

You know?

Who is this guy?

I don't know who he is.

I've never seen him.

Yeah.

And I can only.

I don't know very much about the Bible.

I don't.

I don't go around preaching it.

I don't do any of that.

What I know is I know what he has pulled me out of, and I know what he has been with me through, you know, and there are times and there are days where things have happened, and I know it wasn't on my own strength that it was 100% God.

And I know that as long as I continue to be obedient and follow him, then I know I will never be alone.

And there's.

I've always had this.

You know, everyone always asks, well, if there's a God, then how come people die?

How come we deal with this?

How come all this stuff happens?

God never said that you won't deal with these things.

God never said, you're not going to have people who don't die, because obviously people are going to die.

God never said you're not going to deal with bad days and bad things and things aren't going to go crappy for you.

But he did promise to always be the one with you through it all, you know, And I think that has 100% helped me with a lot of things, especially with the death of my dad.

Right.

Like, I know he's there.

I can't even imagine dealing with losing my dad without having that faith to hang on to.

I guess, you know, because, yeah, it sucks.

It's hard.

But I know that.

I mean, it happens, and I know that it's gonna continue to happen.

And that's just the way that we were created, and we aren't here forever, you know, so it gives it.

We're here on a timeline, and in that timeline, what are you doing with that timeline?

How are you living your life?

Who are you influencing?

What are you doing?

You know?

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

That story with Jaden, I know, that story was crazy.

I was like, what?

I don't know, Jane.

I don't know how I know God's real.

How do you know?

I feel him in my heart.

Okay.

That's funny.

My mom told me that when I was like, 2 or 3, and she was like, never brought you to church.

You didn't know who Jesus was?

None of that.

And we were going through my closet, and she was trying to get rid of my baby clothes, and I was like, no, you can't get rid of that.

And my mom was like, why?

And I said, because it's for when I come back as a baby.

And it's like, okay.

She's like, so I just put them in a box.

We put them back in your closet.

Like reincarnation.

Oh, that's like, I have no idea.

Where you got that from.

No idea where you got that from.

That's crazy.

Never been to church.

See?

Insane.

Mm.

It's the stuff kids say makes you think, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

All right, well.

Is there any last things you want to share?

No.

That was good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And if you guys feel like this resonated with you, next week we're going to do a segment with roseanne, and we're going to talk about moments of knowing.

Go a little bit more into that.

So come back next week and check it out.

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

And thank you guys for your support.

Bye.

And we will see you next week.

Bye.