Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the Upside to Grief.

My name is Story and I'm your host.

And my name is Erica and I am your co host.

And this week we are back with Luis, also known as the Fentanyl guy, and we are doing a segment on grief in the wild.

Yes.

I'm so excited for this one because we're kind of already talking about it a little bit, but it is, yeah, it's one we haven't done yet.

So this will be our first time doing grief in the wild.

And.

Yeah.

Do you want to tell us a little bit about what grief in the wild is before he kind of tells us all his experiences?

Yes.

So grief in the wild, it's just kind of like that stuff that stops you in your tracks when you're like, out trying to live your life and you're maybe buying fruit or groceries and then you're just crying for no reason in the grocery store and you're like, okay, cool, we're going to do this now.

So.

Yeah, because that's, that's life, that's grief.

Yeah.

Just shows up in unexpected time.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

So when you read the title, like, why did you choose Grief in the Wild?

You know, I, I, I like relate a lot to the word wild.

Right.

Grief is wild too.

Yeah, it is, it is, it is.

But, yeah, you know, but when you gave me the description, it actually resonates a lot with me.

I lost my best friend to a drug overdose in 2022.

No, sorry, 2021.

It was December.

It was like the end of 21.

And it was the last instance that popped in my head.

Just like how you were saying.

I was like, at, I was in Coronado and it's not even a place I even like, had any connection with my best friend.

We're from Chula Vista, you know, So I was doing a job in Coronado, and I think it was like the week coming into the anniversary of his passing.

So it wasn't even the exact date, but it was kind of just like in the forefront of my mind, you know, like it was coming, it's coming and I'm in Coronado.

I think I was like getting like breakfast or at, because it was like I was doing a job.

I was doing a construction job and I was trying to get something to eat.

And it was a, There's a Burger King right there.

It's like the only thing I could afford in Coronado.

And I, I, so I was like on my way to get food and like when I just was like, you know, park found a parking spot and stuff.

I just like immediately start crying.

Immediately just like, like breaking down.

And it, it was so crazy.

It's never happened to me, like to that degree where I, I just, I just was in tears and I was like, what the is going on with me?

And, and I was like, well, the day is, I guess, that the anniversary is coming up.

And I just, all these feelings and emotions were just rushing through me and it was so, so wild.

And mind you that, you know, I'm trying to do a job, you know.

Yeah.

Construction.

Had to go to work in a sec.

Right.

You know, blue collar shit too, you know, it's not exactly the, the right place, You know.

And when he passed away, I was doing a construction job too.

And it was a massive project.

We were doing a big remodel and thankfully, like, I don't know if it was like, you know, God or whatever, man, the universe that lined up that day.

Like, I, I was pretty much by myself doing the job because we had so many jobs going on.

I was pretty much doing this massive remodel by myself, just trying to do some demolition.

So I had plenty of time to, you know, cry.

Let me handle this real quick.

It was nice.

That way I didn't have to deal with people.

I think I was working part time at the time too and I think like I, I took time off from that part time job and I remember like going my first day going back into there and oh God, it was brutal.

Like, I just, I just, I wanted to walk.

That was like one of the, you know, I've had times where I wanted to leave and stuff like that at that particular place.

But I, I, when it was like that early stage of grief, like I, I was like this like, you know, and I told my boss what was going on, but, but yeah, you know, grief, grief like could hit, hit me, man.

Like what I least expect it.

Like I am trying to, trying to remember like if it was like that with.

When my dad passed away because that was when I was 10 and I was a lot, I, I think I tried a lot more to cover it up when I was 10 because I didn't want to look weak and you know, so it's so hard for me to really recall if I ever had done that.

Like try to recognize and pinpoint those specific instances at that age, you know.

Yeah, you know, it was just like those little reminders, I guess, of not having a father will come up, you know, Father's Day or like any holiday you're just kind of like, oh, fuck, whatever.

Yeah.

You see other people posting a happy Father's Day, and you're like, my dad is dead.

Yeah, my dad's dead.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'm not doing nothing for that day.

But, you know, there's a.

You know, there was another one too, where I was thinking of, you know, having a grief in the wild type moment.

It was.

My uncle passed away, and my uncle was.

It's kind of complicated.

Like, and my dad were, like, kind of enemies.

My.

My dad.

Were they brothers or.

No.

No.

Okay, gotcha.

Different.

So dad makes it even more weird.

Uncle on your mom's side?

Yeah, my mom's side is my.

Her.

Her brother.

Gotcha.

And my dad got along with my mom's family pretty well, but.

Except for my uncle because he was on.

On meth.

And my dad had the ism of alcoholism for sure, but he was not like, into any sort of hard drug use at all.

And he was a law.

He was a cop.

So it was like, you know, a cop and a tweaker.

It's like their enemies, you know, it's like cat, cat and mouse.

So like.

So it was always kind of weird growing up with that drama going on.

And then I actually relate a lot more to my.

My uncle than my dad in the aspect of addiction, the aspect of, like, how I grew up.

We had, like, very similar, like, kind of upbringings, and, you know, I was kind of compared growing up to being like, more like my uncle because I wasn't good at school, and I was kind of more focused on.

On drugs and alcohol than.

Than trying to have a future and stuff like that.

So I had developed a big bond with my uncle, you know, years after my dad has already been dead, and my uncle actually took me in.

In my addiction, you know, so it was.

It was rough when he passed away, you know, it was.

It was so like, I had, like, little reminders here and there with my uncle.

And I'm trying to think of one exact moment.

I would say, like, it would probably be the.

I think maybe the.

The anniversary, like around the anniversary of his passing.

Like, not again, not an exact day, but maybe, like, approach leading up to it.

Yeah, those days get me same way worse.

It's.

Yeah.

Grief.

Yeah.

Right.

So it was like.

It was that.

That build up was going in, and I.

And I. I felt like the irritability in my.

In my soul, just like this day and everything.

And then.

And also my dad and my uncle, they're so.

Their anniversary dates are like, really close together, too.

They're just different years.

My dad was in 2000, August 18th, and my uncle is 2023, August 22nd.

Okay, so it's like, kind of like that week.

Yeah.

It's almost a whole month.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't get started, man.

It sucks.

But, yeah, the grief, I.

For sure, it's.

It's so.

It's such a weird thing for me.

And, like, I. I guess I. I always spent, like, I was just explaining earlier, most of my life trying to avoid that pain and avoid the healing.

I just kind of wanted to, like, just shove it in a nice little bottle and lock it in and don't look at it.

Don't, you know, like, it's never.

Like, it never happened, and it never really works out that way.

No.

You know, you can try.

You can try, but it's waiting for you.

I have a question about your moment in the parking lot.

I want to go back to that really quick, just because it was.

I feel like that's such a big moment, and we just kind of, like, I don't know, almost kind of did it right there where you were like, yeah, this happened.

Okay.

And then.

But, like, when you.

When you were, like, in that.

In the moment, did you, like, what was that like?

Like, after you, like, let yourself just cry it out in your car.

Yeah.

Let you just go in and order a sandwich.

You know, like.

Or do you remember, like, where your head was?

A little prayer, like, right after that, like a micro prayer, not like, anything, like, official from a religion or even AA or NA or any of that.

It was just, like.

Just like a prayer for him, just from myself to him.

And I, I.

And I.

Like, when the moment I found out my best friend had died, I. I literally was like, at least his suffering is over.

He was living a really terrible life this last few months of his life.

So it was so as much as, like, you know, I give a little curse every once in a while.

It's like, God damn it, dude.

Really?

But, you know, I.

In the end of the day, I, I, I'm.

I'm content that, you know, like, I. I had to spend time with him.

I had, you know, nothing but, you know, great memories of him.

Yeah.

You know, we had some, you know, falling outs, of course, with addiction, you know, you know how that goes.

But, yeah, I said a little prayer after that and then tried to carry on with my day.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

But I think that that's kind of, like, the biggest thing about, like, grief in the wild, because like, it just, like, randomly happens like that.

Like, you're not really expecting it, and then you're like, oh, shit.

I just have to keep going on throughout my day now.

Everything has to be normal again.

Yeah.

It just, like, gets you and then.

No, absolutely.

Yeah.

It's a strange feeling, for sure.

Yeah.

And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either.

Like, just like the.

Keep going.

Well.

Yeah.

Like the little explosion.

Oh.

Yeah.

I mean.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

Yeah.

I love that you said a prayer, though, because.

Yeah.

That's like honoring the moment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That you just had.

Yeah.

You know, instead of just pushing it to the side.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Like, I, like, I, you know, I had so much, like, stuff going on, like, in his.

Before, you know, he passed away, and I would always, like, think about my friend and stuff like that.

And I.

And I think there was a lot of guilt, like, left over.

Definitely.

And it just.

I think it just built up and then.

Yeah, I'll have little, you know, crash outs, you know, like that, you know.

Yeah.

I had another one.

Relatable.

Relatable.

Another one.

Yeah.

Well.

But this one was more.

Made more sense.

I, I, I.

The first time I. I went by our high school that we met, I cried.

Little trigger elements.

Yeah.

You know, because I hadn't even, like, I live right near where I went to high school, like, maybe just like a couple miles away.

And then I had the first, like, my first glance at the school, and it's, like, all new.

When we went there, it was a ghetto piece of, like, the.

One of the oldest schools in San Diego.

But, but, you know, seeing.

But just seeing it, though, even like, the new version of it, I broke and broke down.

I was like, damn, dude.

Yeah.

You know, it was like getting triggered.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

Triggered by emotions and feelings.

Yeah.

I have those all the time.

Yeah, for sure.

Literally all the time.

Yeah.

And.

Yeah.

And.

And with my dad, you know, it was like I said, I, I have reminders, so it wouldn't.

I can't really think of a moment where it's completely random, where it's like, oh, gosh, you know, just.

But like, if I see, like, the ocean, I think about him because we used to ride boats and we.

And he was cremated and they spread his ashes in the ocean.

Stuff like that.

That would kind of like, you know, like.

I wouldn't say trigger in that aspect, but maybe just, like, just like, little reminders, you know.

Yeah.

Like gentle reminders.

Gentle reminders.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm Picturing waves always water with me.

Yeah.

Like, I'm just feeling like.

Just comes in a little bit, Drags back, back out, Comes in a little bit.

When you think of those things, especially the ocean.

Yeah.

But yes, yes, it's a.

It's.

It's crazy.

Like, I'm just thinking about, like, you know, like, I, I.

When I think triggered.

I always would my.

Because I, you know, I'm also recovering addict.

I would think, like, you know, like, in the aspect of, like, wanting to get higher, you know, use or escape.

But sometimes, you know, it's just when you're dealing with, like, grief and stuff like that, it's just, you know, it could.

It could be just a wave of just different feelings of emotions, whether it's sadness, anger, you know, so.

Yeah, but yeah.

Yeah, it's.

It's pretty.

It's.

It could be a lot, you know, not knowing what's really, like, stored inside you, you know, like, just building up, like.

Yeah.

You're completely, like, you're just living your life, you know, like, you're like, everything's all good.

And then.

And then, like, like you have the worst depression just hit you.

Yep.

Yeah.

You know, Absolutely.

A little storm come in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, but.

Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah.

I chose the topic of grief in the wild because I just, like, I was like, oh, you know, I definitely lived a wild life.

So it's just, you know, like, when.

When, When I was, like, out there, you know, doing my thing, I, I.

It's just like I couldn't.

I couldn't stand just nothing happening, you know?

And then, so when it's like, I.

It's like almost like I need to feel something to get me out.

You get me out of thinking.

You know what I mean?

And that's why when it comes to, like, pain of, like, losing people, I feel like it.

It can, like, push you to, you know, doing impulsive things.

And, and when it comes to, like, like, even just getting, like, reminders can also just, like, it's.

It can also just, you know, like, internally, like, like take you down too.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

Because I know a lot of people that they'll get moments like this, you know, or even in the early stages of green bean and, you know, they.

What do they do?

They go out and get high?

They want to escape.

Yeah.

Or, you know, like, even some people take their own lives.

Yeah.

Because they just can't deal with that pain.

I think it's very normalized in our society for people drink through grief a lot because, you know, I mean, that's a huge.

And it's not.

It's not even like second looked at.

Yeah.

You know, it is the normal thing, like, and normal society, like.

Yeah, you just.

And it's.

And it's just cool, you know, it's not cool, but.

But it's acceptable.

It's acceptable.

And it's what's become normal in our society.

No, absolutely.

Yeah.

I.

You don't even process it when you're drinking like that.

It.

I couldn't even imagine doing that.

Like, even if I was normal and like, could drink alcohol, I. I just.

Yeah, I had no thought of doing that.

I just wanted to, like, feel everything.

I wanted to feel everything.

Yeah.

I wanted to partly just because I was like, can I do this?

You know, like, will I be able to withstand like those moments in a parking lot?

And the answer is yes.

Like, yeah, we can get through them.

Yeah.

I felt that way with Ken.

I quit taking all my actual like anxiety meds, everything, like three weeks after he passed, I was like, I don't want anything.

None of this is gonna help me and I just need to feel it.

And I don't want to be robbed of my grief.

Like, it was strange, but.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did the same thing.

But when I was like 21, I had one of my close friends at that time committed suicide and I drank through that.

Like.

Yeah, there's just so two different griefs.

All griefs are different.

Yeah.

But then when it was like, this is my life partner, I was like, I don't want anything.

Like, I need to do this.

Yeah, but you're also not that I need to do this.

I didn't have a fucking choice.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, oh, yeah.

I mean, I guess you always have a choice, but the not so good choices were like, not in my brain.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, I don't want to do any of that.

It's not going to help me.

It's kind of cool, though.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And you walked into the Burger King, got breakfast.

And you walked into the Burger King, got breakfast.

Yeah, I got.

I got my breakfast.

I'm trying to think what sandwich I ordered.

I can't think of it right now.

That would be really funny if you remembered though.

You know, it's just like ingrained in your head.

I ordered.

I like the first toast sticks.

Oh, my God, they're so good.

Damn.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your stories about grief in the wild.

I feel like, absolutely.

Yeah, they.

They're definitely very interesting, and I think it'll be a fun little segment.

If anybody else decides, you're the first one who chose it.

So it's pretty.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, so you want to end us or kick us out of here?

Next week, you will be speaking with me and Erica, and we're gonna just be talking about death.

All things grief.

Yep.

All things grief.

All things grief.

So thank you so much for tuning in.

Don't forget to, like, follow, subscribe.

And thank Louise for being with us for this segment.

That was really fun.

Absolutely.

Thank you for having me.

I appreciate this.

Yeah, absolutely.

And we'll see you guys next week.

All right.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.