Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Wedding Lounge podcast.
Now this week we're going to talk about something that I think is quite important,
but is really important. All right, it is very important, but very often overlooked,
and that is preparing yourself for marriage. It's not just about the wedding day,
it's about everything else that follows afterwards, like you're spending the rest of your life
at this person. The whole episode is about how important the marriage is. The dash is going to
think it's been overlooked. I didn't mean about the episode. I meant like in general,
like it, you're preparing for a marriage is the wedding is the wedding start of the marriage.
Exactly, like it's your opening. You're not getting wedding, you're having a party.
No, you're having the wedding is to celebrate your marriage, and I think you know,
I for one definitely ever looked out when I was reading that. As soon as you get that ring on your
finger, you're focused on the day, aren't you? Yeah, necessarily. And I think that's just something
in life. I remember when I did in CT when we had Savannah, and the lady was like, so you know,
what are you looking forward to? And everyone was saying about having the baby those first few
weeks and stuff, and I said, well, that's small bit. Yeah, I said, I'm actually looking forward to
bringing up my children with Jamie and taking them on holidays and doing things.
Yeah, like throughout life. And I think that's similar. So, you know, when you find it pregnant,
or you're getting married, you focus on like birth, the baby, the child and bringing it to an
up and with them, we're getting you focused on the wedding, not the actual marriage.
Well, I think it can all get really lost as well. Like something can change if you let it get
overwhelming in the process of planning your wedding. Yeah. It can get overwhelming and you can
forget what your conversation really are and what you're there for, you know, you could have been
together for 10 years, then decide to get married and within the space of that year, everything's
topsy-turvy, you're arguing more, you're fighting more, you're not actually communicating with each other
anymore. All for this one singular day. Yeah. What about the past 10 years and how you've been as
a couple leader after that? And what about the next 50 years it's going to follow? That's what this
is just in the grand scheme of things, the day of the wedding is like the pincest percentage of
your relationship and your life is one day. It's one day. It's one day. It's one day, celebrate,
do not get me wrong, but you need to think about everything else that comes around it. And I think
they're quite important conversations to have when you're in debt. Yeah. And I think when we had
Helen Nobelon, the celebration, really, I think struck a chord of both of us when she was talking
about this, about, you know, she likes to talk to her couples about the marriage, you know, it's not
just a wedding, like great she wants to hear about their love story and make sure that's, you know,
portrayed in a beautiful way to their guests on the day, but it's about the couple preparing for
marriage. Now, we both got marriage in churches and quite often the church will hold some kind of
marriage prep. I don't know about you, but we had Jamie and I actually had just drinks at the
Vickers house one evening and I mean, we knew the Vickers sort of through my mum and it was very
low key and he was sort of giving us marriage advice and love me wishes now, like when you're stuck
in marriage with young children, but I sort of either had a bit more formal marriage, like um
counselling, but like just guidance. Yeah. All that I remembered what he said to her kids. Yeah.
He gets very large gin and tonics. And I remember the Vickers saying about like three C's
and marriage, I compromised communication and I still can't remember the third one, but
it's just having someone, you know, because how many people sit down with their parents and talk
about it? They don't and I think the sad reality is there's lots of our generation where it's been
devolved. Yes, yeah. I think we are a lot come from a lot of broken homes. And hopefully that's not
going to happen to all of us as well. Like I like to think about my best friend. Yeah, and we've
grown together and our relationship has changed so much past 12 years, but we are a team, we are a unit
and we do things together. Yes, we argue. Don't do me wrong, but you know, at the end of the day we've
always got each other's back. Yeah. And I think that is a huge part of what marriage is. And it's
you're right, it's a conversation you need to sit down and even if your parents are separated, maybe
they will still look back on the time they had together fondly and what went wrong. Yeah, I
see my parents separated when I was 11 and they don't say much, they were very amicable to be
fair and they still are, to this day, but sort of growing up, I've just picked up on things,
you know, they are very good at not like flagging each other up and things, but you know, and I've had
conversations with them about it like openly. And so I've sort of seen what went wrong for them
and then I'm trying to make sure that that doesn't go wrong for Jamie and I like and it comes down to
communicating, it came down to communicate to my parents and I think that is so key. I think I'm
then like gone slightly the other way and I'm like, you're over, sure. I'm like, communicate Jamie,
communicating my stuff. I'm like, you know, trying to get me out of the day and I'm like, we're not
going to leave things up to the rug like I've got to have things up and feeling. Yeah. We were given
some advice to never go to bed in an argument. I would love to say that Jamie agrees with that,
I strongly agree with that and it really bothers me because he can just fall asleep. I'm tired
and then that's like red flag for a bull. I'm like, well, I'm just like, this isn't important.
Yeah, I agree. You shouldn't go sleep on an argument. There's quite a lot of things to come back to
something and say, like, I don't want to fall out of you. We'll come back to this another day. Yeah,
exactly. Just go to bed on an argument, definitely. I think as well, there's a lot of conversations that
people maybe don't have until you're too far down the line. Children. Yeah. Huge one.
How you want to raise those children as well. Rose kind of things are quite important because
you need to be on the same team and on the same page schools. Yes. You know, life where you see yourself
spending your life, how you want to spend your money, where you want to share your money or keep
it separate. Yeah. There's so many conversations like that that I think they're all good ones to have.
Yeah. You need to make sure you're on the same page of these things. And that's
fun. And then realistically, as you said, they should be dealt with before you even at the marriage.
Yeah, hundred. Yeah. You know, before you even get to the wedding, I remember one of the things I
liked about Jamie was that we've sort of been dating two months. And he was sort of asked whether I
wanted to have children. And I was like, well, yeah, I do. And he did. And he said, because if I
didn't, he would probably like ship send. You know, and that was enough for me that I knew he
wanted to, you know, we had that constantly been in things that we did to really, really early on.
And I mean, when Chris and I met, I was 19. Yeah. And we were having those conversations then,
because there was, because there's an eight year age gap between us. That was quite important.
And he said exactly the same thing. He's just like, if you weren't in a position where you wanted
to settle down. Yeah. Quickly and have a family soon. Yeah. It wouldn't have ever worked. Yeah.
Which is honest. Yeah. And there's been conversations that Jamie and I have had over the years where,
you know, before we got engaged and said, if that's what you want to do, then I said, like,
that's not what I want out of my life. So it may be with, you know, not misaligned, but, you know,
isn't going to match up. Yeah. Um, you know, just about, maybe one of them or not.
But if he wants to do that, that's, if he wanted to do that, that's fine. But I said, that's not what I've
You know, I don't know how farmers were. I thought, you know, the countryside, but I don't want to be tied
down to the animals and timing that, you know, I think I'd never kind of people have the
conversations farmers because if you are brought up in a farming farm, which Jamie was and you are
the next generation. Yeah. Like we've got to marry someone who's willing to commit to that. And
that's a conversation you need to have. You can't expect them to go into it. And it's like
thrown in at the deep edge. You're not going to see your partner for six months.
Yeah. Well, Jamie kind of threw in one day sort of about taking over his mum's farm and
like with his brother and then I said, no, that's not what I want. And he's telling me this was
before you got. Oh, yes. He's been years and years and years. It's compromised as far. I'm like,
yeah, he's obviously put the question out there. He's willing to not do it because he wants to
be with you instead. Yeah. And we didn't want to run a farm. I think, you know, in hindsight,
I was definitely on the money back then. Yeah. I think when things start to get tough in your
wedding planning, they're the kind of things and preparing yourself for what comes afterwards.
Bring yourself back to that. Yeah. Because those things and talking about how exciting
your life is going to be after the wedding and going into the future and, yeah, you know,
huge Georgian's names. Yeah. It's like that. Like, oh, I want to have a boy and a girl. I want to have
a garden like this and XYZ. Yeah. Those aspirations, those dreams that you want to share with this person.
That's what all this is for. Yeah. It was about having the same sort of end goals. And I know you said,
you know, take a wrong week. That I argue with Jamie. It's all you argue with Chris. You know,
it's a great on things. We're not the same person. We don't share the exact same thoughts. But I think
having those fundamental things that you were talking about, like, what is important
having children, what is important for you to spend your money on. You know, I differ greatly
from a lot of my friends on my financial priorities. Like, I would rather spend money on certain things.
And I've got friends that prioritize other experiences in my life, which just isn't important to me.
But, you know, that's them. But Jamie and I in line on what is important, you know, a nice home and
holidays and sort of experiences of things that we value. And, you know, we both wanted to have
children. We both knew that we weren't going to be like living in city chasing top-end sort of
grid in the city. Yeah. We both knew that that wasn't a priority. We wanted to live as
rural as we could afford and things like that. And just, you know, things do change. Obviously,
people row job opportunities happen. But it's just having that basic, you're on the same
case. I think back to, oh boy friends, it's not, and oh my gosh, if I was still with the person I was
with when I left school and went to uni, I was like, don't know what he does. I was like, I can imagine
he lived in like, Leicestershire or something. I'm working the suit job, like, yeah. And I'm just like,
that's just not me. Like, I wouldn't have the bug or wouldn't have land Rover, you know, like, things
like that. And it's just like, you, you do change, but it's finding that person that you grow with.
Yes, exactly. And I think those, those conversations are so important.
Yeah, I have. Because it's not, it's not a short-term thing, is it? Like, you know, you can,
do your life in prison for murder for less? Oh, I see if you are.
Did you increase, have the conversation about, I mean, obviously you both met in Kent.
Family, Christmas family, we know, you know, people listen to the podcast before. No,
Christmas family Yorkshire. Your client. Did you ever have conversations about where you might
settle and have children? Ah, yes. And those conversations still still change, like,
so that's custom and things like that now. But essentially, he was willing to stay down here.
He had, he had the job. He had the career here. Yeah. And he had a good base of friends.
So he'd already in his head made the move. Yeah. And was based down here. So it wasn't everybody.
And I think he'd been down here. So he'd been down here six years before we'd met. Yeah. So he's very
established. He had like a real solid foundation. I mean, we still talk about it now. We still talk
about, you know, would we ever move up to Yorkshire and things like that? Like, we do still have that
conversation. But it's more of a case of if the time was right. Yeah. And rather than, but,
and there was a moment where we could have moved. And we had those discussions. And he was very
much like, no, I'm not. I don't want to move. Yeah. So we have them. We talk about it. Yeah.
Yeah. Thing with what that kind of, yeah, that, that kind of wasn't like for him. It was really a
question of taking me back up to Yorkshire. Yeah. Um, I have got, I mean, we've got friends who they met.
They met at Henley Regatta. And he's from Peterborough. So South. He called Peterborough South.
Wow. It's Midlands. He's now crying. Anything above the M4 is North for me. Yeah. All right. Yeah.
She's from Peterborough. Um, she was at Union, Canterbury. He was from the Scottish borders. Yeah.
Farmer. So it's kind of like, you know, that from the off, they kind of have those discussions.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, she now lives up there like that very, very happy about that. Yeah. That
would always be. Yeah. I mean, I think that's something that you kind of need to know about
quite early on. Yeah, definitely. And I think certain, you like to hope the people have had
these conversations before they get engaged. Well, yeah, this is, this is the point. We're talking about
marriage prep for couples who are engaged. But yeah, these sorts of things should have been
on the radar from the very beginning. And if they're not on the radar, then maybe they're the
conversations you should be having just now before you pay deposits. Exactly. Check you are alive.
Yeah. And also to bring it back to what this is really about at the end of the day. Like, you
know, you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. You love them dearly. Yeah.
You're going to love them for forever. Yeah. Yeah. And I think having those key things aligned,
and you know, we keep saying people change, people grow. Yeah. But it's making sure you're aligned.
If you're not aligned to start with, you're hardly likely to suddenly change, grow and
no, align. But like, if you're growing, growing together. I think for a lot of couples that get married,
that growing necessarily get married in a church. I'm not sure about other religious buildings,
another religious ceremonies, but we're registry office. They just check your free and willing. Yes.
Like, there's no, no support, no, nothing around it. And actually, maybe it's something that needs to
be there for more couples when they're going through this journey. Like, they're going to get some
counseling and marriage. And oh, no, don't. What are you going to say? I had an email from like,
not a boss lawyer or someone. It was someone like that. And I think they emailed a few other
planets because it came up on one of our Facebook groups about some of approaching people saying
about offering marriage counseling before. And it got quite a negative review from response. Sorry.
Actually, I think why not have the tools in your toolkit to sort out any problems before the
problems come? Yeah. You know, why not have those conversations with the professional work out how,
you know, because we're all different. We all have different love languages, different ways
of communicating. Yeah. My services do not a lot. No, we don't either. We don't either. And I just think
having someone externally just give you some tips on me how to sort of just Jamie,
Jamie's up to just me. So that we're and how to focus things. Yeah. Real, real concerns in your life.
Yeah. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, you've got to work out how to work.
It's good work. And you've got to put work. It doesn't just happen like it's not, it's not an easy ride.
It's a bloody roller coaster. Like, no, you have problems, but you've got to work through them.
Yeah. And I think people give up too quickly sometimes. Yeah. I think people just throw the
talent because they've got one small hard part where it's actually you can work through it together
and grow from that experience. Yeah. And definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone was all the other
planners with all that's negative. But I think it's realistic. I'm very much a realist. And I think
that actually, I think in hindsight, it would be nice to have because once you're in the marriage,
you're in the thick of it. Young children. Yeah. But I think, you know, just to have a little bit more
sort of in your tool kit to work together through things. Yes. Why not do it? So if you, you know,
think therapy and counselling is becoming like less to do. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Increasingly popular.
And why not, you know, spend some of your wedding budget just so that you're aligned and working
together as a team through this. And especially if you're finding the planning journey. Yeah.
Cool. Like you want to be aligned with it. Yeah. So we kind of come round and full circle. Yeah.
And I think it's one of those things you just, it's, well, it's like we say with everything,
you just need to communicate. Yeah. Don't you? And have these discussions. But what would you say,
Evie, is your top tip surrounding marriage preparation? My top tip would be to remember why you're
actually having the wedding. It's because you're getting married, not because you're just
during party. Yeah. My auntie, actually, she's, well, may say a bit of a cynic. She had a messy divorce,
but she says every bit gender stereotypical, but every girl should have a wedding the day where she
has her humongous party address. But she's like, not actually get married. Oh wow. Yeah. She's like,
because then you don't make the mistake of like getting into the marriage. What? As well as that's,
you know, a bit cynical. You've got to think, isn't just about the wedding. It is about the
marriage. And that is the most important thing. Like you were choosing to marry this person to have
a marriage, a life with them, not just have a wedding day with them. Exactly. Your wedding day
should be your like, hi guys, this is who we are. Yeah. Welcome. Celebrate with us. This is what
our wedding is going to be like. The people that are there at your wedding are the ones that you
want to support you through your marriage. Yes. Exactly. That's what you need to remember about
the whole thing. Definitely. I hope it doesn't seem a bit doom and gloom this week. I think
it's okay. Important. But it's very important, yeah, to make sure I said I think it's
important. Yeah. It's actually still any thinks it's important. You don't just go ahead and have
the wedding. Just a matter of you. No. No, it is super important. And we wouldn't be
right wedding planners if we didn't bring up everyone is in some time. Thanks. So hopefully we'll
have something more fun to discuss next week. Yes. We've got that. Fantastic guest. So make sure
you're following subscribing, downloading, and we will see you next week. See you then. Bye.