This podcast is for you, the Modern Man. I'm Dr Anne

Truong, your host. I'm an intimate health medical doctor

and best selling author of the book, Erectile Dysfunction Fix.

I'll do a deep dive into sexual health and performance and how

it affects men of all ages and backgrounds. So let's get

started, and be sure to visit my website at

sexualhealthformenpodcast.com for more information and

resources from the show. See you on the inside.

Hello there, Modern Man. Do you flirt? Do you really want to

know how to flirt confidently? Well, I have Kimmy Seltzer. She

is the confidence therapist, authentic dating strategist and

image expert who helps singles transform their life from the

outside in. Don't worry, we'll talk what that is. But she's

also a TEDx speaker, she's been on national matchmaking

conferences and on eHarmony and Neutrogena. So this woman knows

what she's talking about. She's also a coach, but she's also a

dating strategist. I'm excited to have Kimmy on our podcast

today to share her wisdom. So welcome, Kimmy.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm super

excited about this conversation.

Oh, definitely. Let's dive into this. So what

does it mean by outside in? Give us the definition.

Well, it's funny because, I mean, when you hear

it, it sounds "Oh, it's so superficial. Aren't we supposed

to work from the inside out?" And look, I'm a therapist. I'm a

trained therapist. So I did for many, many years, until I got

into the coaching space. And the truth of the matter is, up until

my own hot mess story, which I'll share just a little bit

about too. Because while I have this great professional

background, the reason why I'm so passionate about doing what I

do is because of my own story, my own transformation, I think a

lot of people will relate to it. I used to work from the inside

out, like I believe that you had to do the work and really break

patterns and look at your childhood and all that in order

to move forward in your life. And I still believe that. So

hear me out. But I think there comes a time and a place,

especially in the dating world, where the outside is often

overlooked, so you can do the inside job to the cows come

home, and you could rock in a rocking chair and listen to

podcasts and read all these books. But are you flirting?

What are you wearing? How are you marketing yourself to

attract love? So it's not changing who you are, it's

marketing yourself so that somebody gets to know who you

are. So quick story on me and where that came from is I was

this kind of good girl from Chicago. Any Midwest people out

there will understand the story and that I lived a very

traditional life. I practiced as a therapist for over 10 years. I

was married. I had the picket fence. I had two kids, the dog,

the husband. I still have the kids, by the way, but you see

where the story is going. And so there, there I was, and we just

all picked up, and we moved across the country, and we plop

ourselves down into this place called Los Angeles, La La Land.

And that's where I am now. And it was almost as if, as soon as

we got here, that's where the record stopped. I joke we, we

did what all the other people did, we end up getting a

divorce. I like to blame LA, you see, but I, I would have been

here anyway, 100% it just sped up the process being in a new

land, and there I was all alone, not knowing what to do with my

new life, my new career, I'm a mom with young kids with no

resources or support system. And I was like, Oh my God. Like,

talk about that rock bottom moment. And then I'm a therapist

on top of it. How horrible like I I was like, wait, I should

know how to help myself. And also, I almost slipped into this

thing called analysis paralysis, because this is where the

outside in thing all happened because I did what I taught and

I preached, I did the work like I went to therapy, I sought out

my friends for support, and it was all really super helpful.

But then time went on and, like, six months to eight months

later, people were like, Kimmy, maybe you should just, like, get

out there and just maybe start talking to men. And I said, No,

not ready. I'm doing the work. Okay, fine. A year later, Kimmy,

okay, I think it's time to get out there. I'm like, No, I'm

still doing the work. Well, what was I doing? Literally, I was

just in this, like, cerebral space, right? Like, trying to

understand dating and all that. But I wasn't taking action. And

so one day, and this is where it all happened, I literally woke

up. I don't know what possessed me to just I took a hard look in

the mirror, and I was just horrified at what I saw. I mean,

I I did not look like this. I was not wearing red. I was

always wearing black, oversized clothes, and my confidence was

shocked. And I look in the mirror, and I just, I looked

horrible. I was still wearing my nursing bras. I wasn't even

nursing any longer. I was like, Oh my God. Like, I am stuck. I

am completely stuck. So the first thing I did to get me out

of this funk, I caught my dark period, my black period, because

that's all I wore, was black. I went shopping, shopping therapy,

and I go to the store, and I think I'm up leveling myself,

but I'm putting all these black clothes in my cart, and I'm

doing the same darn thing that I always do. I'm like, collecting

black and this personal shopper, she comes up to me and she says,

Ma'am, I've been watching you, and I really think you should

try this on. And she holds up this red dress that looks like

three times too small because I lost all this weight too. I was

totally stressed out. And she said, Try this on. I said,

That's really sweet of you, but that's not my size, and that's

really not my color. She says, Honey, that is your size. That

is your color. Try it on. Boom, like that. She hit me over the

head with that red dress. I'm like, wow, she's right. Like,

all this internal stuff isn't working. I need to, like, do

something. So I grabbed the dress, I slip into it, I twirl

around, like Cinderella, and I look in the mirror, and I was

like, oh my god, I'm a princess. Like, it was that Disney moment.

And I like, Wow, I feel different. I'm seeing myself

different. It was this like visceral response in my body.

And so I go out into the world and I wear this dress, and I

just practice being in this dress. This is where the whole

thing started. And I realized, oh my gosh, this whole time, I

was wearing the black clothes as a cloak to keep me invisible

from men, because I was scared of being seen. This is where it

all started, like I need to market myself. So I just had to

get used to being seen, knowing that I was sexy, knowing that I

was worthy. I had to learn how to flirt all over again. I mean,

the last time I flirted was in college. I didn't know how to

talk to the alien men. So that's where everything shifted. And I

realized that there was a symbiotic relationship between

the outside and the inside when it comes to confidence, that

it's not a superficial thing to think about how we carry

ourselves. Our energy is just as important as the inside. So

that's where my business was born. And then I started doing

styling on other people and using the coaching with my

therapy, and now I have this holistic approach and helping

people

Well, that's awesome. I love that personal

journey, and I think a lot of men and women will identify with

that, right, because it's almost like reinvention of your life.

And I think that from a man's perspective, and oftentimes, a

lot of my men are divorced or a widower, they're like, they

haven't been on the dating scene for decades, and now find

themselves "Okay, well, I need to do that." And let's talk

about the number one mistake that men make when they flirt,

and what should they be doing? So give us a little 101 Course.

These men who hasn't dated in 20 years, maybe even more. What

they need to start paying attention, what's the mistake

they make and what they should be doing.

Wait, I can only say one. There's Okay, no, I

will. Well, first of all, I do flirt workshops, and happy to

share that with your audience as well, because I have one coming

up, and I do dating retreats, and they're always co Ed. And

the funniest thing about flirting is that I ask all the

time, like, what's your definition of flirting? Like,

that's the first thing, first mistake, is that people have a

very interesting definition of what flirting is all about. But

what I share with people is like, when you look in the

dictionary and you see how it's defined, it says to behave as

though you are attracted to someone without the serious

intention of an outcome. Now that last part attached to the

outcome is what trips everyone up, and I would say is the

number one mistake. So everyone has these like, fears and

excuses about what's next. Like, oh, I don't know what to say,

or, Oh, I don't want to come across as creepy. They get in

their head about it, oh, what's a line? Oh, I haven't dated in X

amount of years. Like, there's all this like monkey chatter

happening on how they're coming across. And so guys really worry

about the approach, and so then what happens is that they

hesitate. And I know you and I talked about that on our podcast

too, but this is how I see it in application the real world with

flirting. And here's the oxymoron of it all, is that in

efforts to not wanting to be creepy, they end up being creepy

because they're hesitating right like no woman wants a guy just

staring at them without any kind of just fluid type of, like just

response. And I tell people, guys, just jump, just go at it

doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be. Like sexy or witty or

funny or clever, it could just be high. I use the metaphor a

lot with children like you see children on a playground, like,

four or five years old. They don't have filters yet. They

haven't had trauma happen or hurt happen. And this is, as a

therapist I see is part of why people are in their heads. They

just go up to people like, Hey, you want to play. They don't

say, Oh, I shouldn't go up to that person. They look really

busy. Or they don't want to talk to me, right? They just say, Hi.

So it's coming from that place of curiosity and openness. Is

the first thing that I really try to help men with, because

they always want a line from me. They're like, Kimmy, give me a

line. I'm like, I have no line. I teach them a social engagement

formula on how to get out of the head and into something that's

more playful and storytelling in nature.

Okay, so what does that mean? How to get out of the

head?

Well meaning that they're trying to think of a

line and what's next, rather than being just playful in their

body and coming from a place of curiosity, because at the end of

the day, it's how you make a woman feel. It's not about what

or the clever line. And if a woman detects that it's a line

or something that's pre fabricated, or you're

hesitating, it feels inauthentic, it feels

disconnected, and that's when women feel the creepy factor, to

be honest. So it's like closing the gap and just playing like,

when I do my dating retreats, it's so fun. Like, I have people

go on scavenger hunts, and they have like, different prompts and

directives where they have to do goofy things in the field. Like

they'll go to bars and restaurants, and I'll have them

just do playful interactions, and we do role playing, and I do

improv with them, just to get them warmed up, because it's

really it's about that like playfulness, we all kind of go

back to when we were in kindergarten, when the boys

chased the girls on the playground. You like that as

women.

So is this still it had things changed now in 2026

versus like 20 years ago, as in dating?

Yes, let's change. Yeah, because I focus on

later daters, anybody over 40. Listening to this, it's

something that I'm very passionate about, because it

used to be where, first of all, we didn't have social media, we

didn't have dating apps, we didn't have technology. So

people were actually forced, oh my god, dare I say, to meet

people in real life, in the wild, right? Like, and people

only had a couple people to select from, like, maybe it was

Susie across the way or Betty next door, and then you struck

up a conversation, and you cultivated that as somebody who

maybe could be your potential partner and build a life with

Well, now it's not like that anymore, and in good ways and

some challenging ways, right? Like we now have so many

possibilities, we have way more choice, which is beautiful,

because now we could maybe find a partner that's more right for

us in this age that we're at, because what we wanted in our

20s might be different, and it usually is different than when

we're in our 50s, 60s, 70s. So it's really like a lot of

people. That's another mistake I see with dating is that people

are going out there dating as a relationship person rather than

a dater.

What does that mean? What does that mean? What

you just said.

Because they're going out looking for their next

girlfriend, but they've never even just dated for the sake of

dating to get to know themselves and what they're wanting in the

stage of their life, and so they might get just locked in with

somebody else, but they're not really figuring out who they are

separate from a partner, yet.

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So it's a really crucial like and beautiful

bridge and transformation and reinvention when you are

discovering yourself by just meeting lots of women, just not

it's not even necessarily having sex with women. It's just

meeting lots of women, like, if you've been a kid in the candy

store that's only had a Hershey bar. How do you don't want a

Gobstopper or a lollipop, or you, like you who haven't tasted

the world and your goals are different now you maybe you just

want a travel partner. Maybe you you want a situation ship, I

don't know, like you can have anything you want in this modern

day world. Old, and at the age you're at, it's a beautiful

thing, but sometimes that can be challenging just understanding

all the nuances of that. The other thing with modern dating,

obviously, are the apps, right? And so a lot of men go out there

and they don't know how to navigate the apps, and they'll

use like the DM exchanges, as if they were, like, writing an

email or something. Like, they don't know how to flirt online,

and that's a really crucial skill to learn as they're

getting out there and dating, I'll tell a story of this guy I

dated. It was like he was a widower and he was getting back

out there and he had no clue what he was doing. Like, I think

maybe he was 70 at the time that I met him, and he's like, Kimmy,

I just need help. Like, I don't know how to flirt. Been a long

time. I don't know. How do you we do these dating apps? And I

did a whole thing. Like, I'm kind of like, hitch meets, what

not to wear for those references. Like, I took him

shopping first because his clothes were very nerdy. I'm not

going to a lot of them are, like, too big on like, those

clothes were big on him. He didn't have edge, he did not

have sex appeal in his clothes, and he didn't even know what

that was, right? So I first, this is the outside in approach.

I first had to get him marketing himself like a sexy man, because

even if I taught him the skills wearing those nerdy clothes was

not going to do it for him. So I had to get him a little bit

updated there. So we did that, and then we started just doing

cold approaches with women. We started teaching him how to

flirt, but then we worked on his profile, and like he didn't even

know how to send me his pictures. He got new pictures

done and everything, and he brought in a manila folder all

of his pictures, and we spread them out on the table, and we

picked out the right ones for him. And then we worked on like,

how to text a woman, how going right. Like, and I know you work

with sexual dysfunction and almost like Ed and flirting,

right? Like, if you don't know how to keep things going, you

will lose the woman. Like, in this modern day world, everyone

is so busy we're doing a zillion things. And in this age group,

we have grandchildren to deal with. We have children, we have

jobs. If you don't know how to keep that sexual tension going

in between your dates, it dies. So there's a lot of little

nuances with all this stuff, and I know there's so much to talk

about, but just to give you an idea, this is the kind of thing.

I treat dating as a skill. Never done it. How are you supposed to

know it? You got to practice it. You gotta learn it. You gotta

start in kindergarten.

When you were talking, I wrote down this

question, is floating online different than flirting in

person?

It's the same in that it's how you make somebody

feel. And so sometimes I'll look into profile, because I go into

like, bumble or match and these dating profiles, and I'll look

at like the exchange that's happening, and often it looks

like a LinkedIn exchange. I'm like, oh my god, this is so

boring. I'm like, this so having just I call it transactional

DMs, it just looks like a business transaction. There's

nothing fun, there's nothing flirty about it, like it won't

make a woman move the needle with you, and that's why a lot

of guys sadly fall into the friend zone. So I teach them how

to be in the flirt zone with their DMs. Same thing with

offline. It's how you make a woman feel, not about just the

tactics that you use. So it's a lot of it is unspoken words.

It's the way you touch a woman, it's the nonverbals. It's the

way that you look at her, it's the way that you emote with your

feelings and tap into the emotional triggers that creates

the attraction. So it's really, really interesting, because a

lot of guys, because they get in their heads that they worry more

about the tactics than the actual feeling of the

interaction, and that goes for both online and offline. So

instead of just firing questions at a woman, that's where I see

like the Q and A in the interview happen, and like when

they're on dates, that's where things die, and then women will

come back and say, I didn't feel the chemistry. You didn't play.

It was a transaction. It was just like, oh, so how many kids

do you have? How long have you lived here for? You've been to,

oh, my God, that's so boring, so boring. It's more like,

sometimes the most nonsensical interactions and conversations

are the best one.

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How does a man convey sexual, sexy confidence?

It's everything that we're talking about. So

what the charisma quotient does. It's the name of my podcast.

It's what you are on, actually. And definitely check out Dr

Anne's episode. By the way. It was an amazing so I'll put that

out too. It's the formula that I teach people to do, and it is

the outside in approach. And the reason why I love the word

charisma is because it's something that is taught and

learned, not something that people are born with. This is

what research says. So I have taught an 85 year old woman to

go to a bar and pick up a man, right? Like the age does not

discriminate with this stuff. But what I do with people is I

look at three different pillars in the charisma quotient. The

first pillar is what I call style intelligence, and this is

the outside, inner part. So I start there, and I assess that.

And this relates to Sexy Confidence, right? It's your

style, it's your like energy, it's your body language, it's

your first impressions. Like, how do you come across in that

first hit? It only takes seven seconds to make a first

impression. That's all you got. Now, seven seconds. That's what

research says. Like, only a couple of years ago was 30

seconds. So now it's like with technology too. It's happening

so fast.

And most of it is not verbal.

That's why I start with the style

intelligence. Because, like I said, you can do all this work

on yourself, but if you're not focusing on your first

impression, nonverbal stuff and style intelligence, it doesn't

matter, because then opportunities start passing you

by, and then the second pillar is emotional intelligence.

Obviously, as a therapist, is a big part of what I work on in

attraction and relationships, is that how we express ourselves,

how we emote, how we're vulnerable, how authentic we are

in our interactions, is also going to make or break the way

that we relate to each other, and how somebody feels so with

Sexy Confidence, like if, if you, let's say, are not

confident in the way you express yourself, you're a little

guarded, maybe There's been things that have hurt you, like

in relationships, you might come across as stiff or very logical

or very almost friend zoning because you're not allowing a

woman to really feel you. I'll give you an example of what that

looks like. Because men are you're probably are like, Well,

what does that mean? Because men, let's, let's face it, women

have a bigger space in their brain of emotional language than

men do, so like we're wired differently. But I always tell

men, if you can tap into that part of our brain, you got us.

Okay, listen man, listen to this. Okay, yeah. How

do you tap into that woman brain?

Well, to give an example, and it relates to the

social engagement formula that I teach people when I work with

and we don't have time to go over all of that. But there was

a man who did it to me, and I was working out at my health

club, and we came out and we were standing at the elevator.

Now, if people even talk to each other anymore, maybe a good

thing would be to say, oh, did you have a good workout? And not

that there's anything wrong with that, that that's a nice

gesture, and to ask, but it's probably just a safe kind of

interaction, oh, it was good, and yours, yeah, it was good,

and then it just dies, right? There's nothing that happens. He

did a great thing with me that I try to teach everybody. He

started with an emotion and a story. He looks at me, he shakes

his head, and he says, I'm exhausted. It was awesome. What

a great entry. I'm like, oh my god, me too. He's like, Yeah, I

couldn't get through my workout. I said, Oh my gosh, me either. I

don't know what was going on. So we're joining in emotion, not

being like, oh, did you have a good work? I mean, that's

boring. He became human. He became real. It wasn't a tactic.

It wasn't something that was safe. He went under the radar

and came at it at a very human type of trigger for me. And so I

had a better conversation in that elevator for, I don't know,

was like maybe two minutes, then a 15 minute conversation that

was boring and played it safe. So my point in telling you that

it's amazing how you can use the vulnerability and emotion and

attraction in that first hit. Now the third pillar is what I

call social intelligence. And obviously. Like people, they

know that word. They know emotional intelligence, but I

teach it in relation to dating, how comfortable you are socially

I work. I'd say 90% of my clients are introverts, and

they're also high achievers. So they get in their head that that

social battery gets drained. The thought of making conversation

is exhausting for them. So yeah, flirting is hard in that first

hit, so really helping people get over that hump and closing

the gaps to get more comfortable with themselves, and then that

makes other people look at them as more sexy and confident.

Well, that kind of leads me to the thing is that a

lot of the people we work with are haven't dated in a while,

and if you haven't used that skill, you need a refresher. You

really need a refresher. And I know that you have a special

deal for our listeners for your workshop, so please share that.

But to me, it's like, I'm a tennis player. I haven't played

tennis in a while, like 10 years. I'm gonna need to take

some lessons. I'm gonna have to take some group stuff to hone in

my skill. It's the same thing with flirting because you said

flirting, you're not born with charisma. You're not born with

it. You hone in the skill and what works, and working with a

coach that can really show you the roadmap to get there,

because I believe that all of us can hone in that skill. Now,

there are some that a little bit more natural than others,

depending on your introvert or extrovert, but everyone can

flirt and as long like what you just said, all these things that

you have said that I'm aware, but I couldn't articulate it, or

even visually see that. So tell us about your workshop.

Yes, oh, my God. Well, and to button up even the

last question about confidence, it relates to the workshop, is

that I believe, like the way I define confidence in general, is

experience. That's it. I don't believe there's one person out

there listening that's not confident. It's just that there

may be an area that you haven't had enough practice in positive

exposure to or maybe it's just something you never, never

learned and never knew. So how do you get it? You got to

practice. But not only practice, you got to have someone hold you

accountable, and you got to do it in repetition. It's just like

what you do with your clients. I mean, it's never a good idea to

just tell one of your clients, Oh, just be more confident. Get

out of your head. You'll be fine. No, what do I need to do?

Well, you gotta do the exercises. You gotta do the

shake that you have, like all the things. So I like to break

it down into almost like, those measurable mini tangible things

that you can do that add up to the confidence. And one of the

things that I encourage everyone to do is to take my workshop,

because it's co ed, and there's men and women in there, and for

three hours, we get things done. Like you'll learn through a

PowerPoint of my tips. And I do a dating skill each month I

happen to have one coming up in February, February 25. It's a

flirt workshop. But then every month I do a different dating

skill, so you can just practice that, and then we go into

breakout in the VIP rooms. I'm happy to gift all your listeners

a free upgrade to the VIP room, because I want your listeners to

put themselves into practice. It's not enough to listen and

chat in the chat. I want them interacting. Then that'll build

your confidence, and from there, like, who knows where you'll go.

So, yeah, I love it. And also, if you go to

stophatingdating.com that's where you can register, and I'll

give everyone a code for your listener, so they'll get that

free upgrade. There's another thing that they could do. This

is for free, you could go to flirtoverforty.com and take a

Flirt Quiz to see what kind of flirt you are, and that way, it

can give you a baseline of some of the things that are tripping

you off where you can go from there, you'll get some video

series from me along the way, not a reminder to come to the

workshop.

Okay, so the Flirt Quiz is, what's the URL for the

Flirt Quiz?

Again, flirtoverforty.com that's

flirtoverforty.com

So flirtoverforty.com and take the

quiz, then sign up for her workshop, and she gifting the

listener what she's gonna give us, the code. I'll put it in the

description. So check the description down below, so that

way you can get VIP upgrades, that's when you get to interact

with Kimmy and interact with other people that sign up for.

Who knows who you will meet, and you get to practice as well. So

this is awesome. What is that URL to sign up for the workshop?

Yeah, it's stophatingdating.com

Okay, stophatingdating.com she has one

every month, right? So if you can't make it next, next month

and March and April. And I would tell you, it's they think of it

like flirting, like a skill that you haven't used in a long time.

And like I mentioned earlier, I'm a tennis player, but I

haven't picked up a tennis in like, 10 years, and you're gonna

need some lessons. You're gonna need a refresher. And so guys,

if you're getting to the dating scene again. Go to Kimmy's

workshop and get honed in the skill, you never know. You never

know who you're gonna meet in there, and just start

practicing, because when your confidence on the inside, you'll

also feel confident as well on the outside. But then it works

together, right? And I can't tell you how important this is.

So Kimmy, thank you so much being on our podcast and sharing

your wisdom. And I can't wait for our listeners to really join

in on your workshop. You tell us in the comment, how did it go

for you all as well. So check out for the discount code as

well, too. So having said that, Modern Man, remember that when

you get dating, you have strategies, and you have

somebody to learn from, that's Kimmy. And just know that you

are not alone. There are alternatives and we're here to

help you. So we'll see you in the next episode.

Okay, Modern Man. If you're struggling with weak erection,

low energy, the food you eat could be the big part of the

problem. One of the best research pathways to boost

circulation, support healthy testosterone and improve sexual

performance is the Mediterranean diet. It's packed with food that

open up your blood vessel, lower inflammation, and fuel your

hormone, naturally. I've seen men notice real improvement in

both energy and erection within weeks when they shift to this

style of eating. So check out the Mediterranean diet link

right here below, and get that as soon as you can. Stronger

testosterone and better erection.

Thanks for listening to the Sexual Health for Men Podcast.

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