This is a global Player original podcast.

Be warned, it's Luanna.

And this podcast contains honest upfront opinions, rants, bants, and general explicit content.

But you know you love it.

Good.

And targgan.

Guten tag.

And I was gonna sing a little song.

What's a little Christmas song we could sing today?

Big bad Barry is back on my top.

His Big bad Barry balls are flapping in the wind.

I mean, it's not the best.

Not the most Christmassy of songs.

I'm wearing.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Images say that it's.

We have already had Luana in December, right?

Yes.

This is the eighth.

Yeah, absolutely.

But we are.

We are.

Barry's come out, imo.

How are you, my angel?

Good.

Are you feeling in the festive spirit?

So festive.

Yeah.

Trees gone up as all the trees are up.

It's.

Do you know what?

The tree.

The tree shopping was actually really painless this year, by the way.

Hi, everyone.

It's still one of the podcasts.

All that guff.

We're very much into Advent.

We went to the Christmas tree farm, which is a little family tradition, and we.

I don't like real trees.

Oh, my God.

How are we friends?

You.

The sensory overload of the pine trees and the.

The little guff that comes with the trees.

I mean, for me, it's the sensory.

I've come.

I've come to realize I'm a very kinesthetic person.

I need the.

The smells and the.

And the feels and everything else.

Can I just say something?

You can.

Talking about that.

Yes.

Because it's a podcast just going off.

So our reco seco and emo record All Her Fault, which is on.

What is it on sky or now.

Oh, yeah.

So anyway, it was amazing.

I binge watched it in two days.

Very good.

But do you know what I realized?

So part of it is about how they, like, like, can taste colors and can, like.

Like hair colors and stuff.

All right.

Synesthesia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I just realized that I think I've got that and that nobody else does that.

And that's not normal.

Well, like, I've never realized that before.

What, you taste colors and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not.

I don't think that's weird.

I think that's.

I think I just thought everybody did that.

And then so I was like, that's weird.

Not everybody does that.

So I started googling it.

Yeah.

And quite a lot of people have it.

Quite a lot of things.

Singers and, like, famous people.

Have it.

So I. I love that.

I don't know if I taste colors or anything like that, but I'm really into the feet.

Like, for me, the.

The senses.

It just.

It gives everything to me and I absolutely love it.

And hence the Christmas tree farm.

It's like.

For me, it's the ceremony.

That's why I love the Christmas.

You know me, I'm a stickler for tradition and ceremony.

Oh, I love it, Lou.

Oh, I love being a nana.

I've entered my official nana phase, honestly.

But I love it.

I'm sitting around.

Jumper.

I like that jumper.

That's really nice.

Thank you both.

But we, We.

We.

We ended up.

No, no family argument, though.

We literally got to the Christmas tree.

The kids are older.

Exactly.

Big Al was in the.

He takes the second car.

Because I don't want to have that in my car.

Yeah, two cars.

Very, very fun.

Let Rachel read.

I was gonna say, someone's gonna be clobbering me for that one extra 2%.

Is it Rachel from accounts?

Oh, topical.

Let's stop.

Let's not bring the vibe down on the pod today.

But we got there and the kids.

And I'd got in first, bowled on in.

And you know what?

I love my kids.

Obviously, I love my kids, but I love my kids because I think there's a little bit of you and me in those kids, you know, like.

No, about the kids saw the tree.

We were going to get an absolute Bobby Dazzler.

Eight footer.

Absolute belter.

It was symmetrical.

How fat your tree?

I saw it on the gram.

I thought, that's a fat tree.

Quite fat.

It's quite fat.

But the kids saw it.

I saw it.

We all saw it at the same time.

And the kids went, that's the trail.

When.

That's the goddamn tree.

So we stood by the tree.

Yeah.

Because the.

Chris, you.

Do you ever do Christmas tree?

I've never bought a real Christmas tree.

So are they all out and fluffy and then you choose your one and then they put it in its little net.

Yeah, exactly.

So it's a little smorgasbord of festive trees.

Right.

And it's actually my friend that runs the Christmas tree farm there.

I'd like to think I get preferential treatment.

I. I don't.

But anyway, we got there.

Kiss.

Stood there.

It's like a bum fight, Lou, because someone else.

There's a lot of good trees.

So then two other families came past our tree.

And you could see.

And I was busy talking to the man going, could you get A man please to come and take it off.

You're gonna lose my.

You're gonna lose your tree, my boy.

Stand by it.

Elbows out, fully out.

And he went, but I always teach him to be polite.

I went, excuse me, actually, but this is the tree that we would like to have.

Oh, I know.

So the other family went, oh, okay, we'll find another tree.

He went, yes, please.

And he stood there and he had his little brolly out, and he held the brolly out as well.

And he's like, mummy, I'm guarding the tree.

So then Alex rocks up and went, don't you even dare think about walking around this Christmas tree farm to go find another tree.

We're getting the goddamn tree anyway.

It was quick.

Quick, painless.

Quick, painless takeaway.

Hot, chocky, done in the car.

Bosh.

Well, my decks are up, but obviously we're spending Christmas in Dubai.

Yes.

Probably should address this because most of you would have seen.

I am leaving to go to Dubai.

But she's being jet set.

Luanna will continue.

And it will continue in person.

Yes.

Because basically we've got a contract.

Lou is being, oh, yeah, I will be back.

You know how she loves her dudes and her sunshine.

So it makes sense for you to be able to sun yourself today.

Basically.

Snow lie that I hate the fucking cold.

So that is it.

I'm taking the plunge.

And.

And I am.

I will be in Dubai for the majority of my time.

However, I will be jet setting back to England to.

To see my baby Anna.

To record Liu Anna.

To keep everybody happy.

Exactly.

So, yeah, I'll be living this two, two star lifestyle.

Be two two, wasn't it?

Politician two jags.

Who's that?

Who was that?

Was that John Prescott?

I can't remember now.

I don't know what you're talking about.

But anyway, basically, best of both worlds.

So if you're a Lufanian indoor business as usual, babes.

Can you let me know?

I might need some friends.

But, yeah, exactly.

A few people message about that going, oh, my God, just shit myself.

Like, don't worry about it.

Business as usual.

It will be.

There'll be no.

She's gonna have a really good tan.

I'm gonna be looking so healthy when I'm back.

When we're all grey and sallow recording.

These podcasts and flying in and flying back out again.

Exactly.

Because I'm limited to being able to work only a certain amount of days in England.

So we're flogging her to death.

So, yeah, I'll be Looking healthy and fresh.

So don't worry if you saw my little leaving party that Anna threw me.

Lubai, queen of the desert.

You know what?

It was just a little.

A little lunch at the pub.

We thought.

Do you know what?

She's so good.

I mean, it's no massive surprise because you spend half your time in Dubai anyway.

I actually do.

You actually do.

I probably spend about six months out of England anyway.

You love to travel, so now it'll be about nine or ten.

But you know what?

What?

This is the beauty of the world, I think now because, I mean, I think we all know and have got many friends and family.

People travel a lot more.

And I think this is the good thing about the advent of tech, and just people are a bit more fluid.

Well, my besties Lucy and Nicole are there.

I'm just working on getting Anna there, which is never gonna happen.

I mean, you know me, guys.

She likes seasons.

I love.

I'm team uk.

I mean, there's a lot, obviously, very, very annoying about at the moment.

But you know what?

Not the country.

As the country.

I love the seasons.

You like the greenery?

Yeah, I love all of it.

You like village life?

I love my village life.

I love my Christmas tree farm.

Well, I.

There's.

You know what?

There is also Christmas tree farms in Dubai.

Are there?

And you can get real Christmas trees in Dubai.

Do they not frazzle in like five minutes?

I don't really understand.

I think they ship them in because I saw it on my local community group.

I've got neighbors now.

No, do us a favor.

Can we.

I think we should.

Anyway, some Facebook.

Like, there's some, like, Facebook, you know, chat.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, no, when you guys.

It all goes off in my community.

Great.

Well, tell us about that because you.

Care for what I say.

I'm scared in case I get deported.

Well, yeah, that's golden.

Visa won't be so golden if I.

If I say something wrong.

That's why my ass is staying here, guys.

Because we all know I got anxiety.

Anyway.

No, my decks are up.

Lovely Abdul.

He is so cute.

Right?

I found this guy called Abdul.

Obviously, I love him.

Yeah, because.

Because he's done a brilliant job with my Christmas deckies.

Here's my door.

That's very sweet.

We are now seeing a very nicely decorated.

He's done my decks in Dubai, basically.

And I really like Abdul.

Like, he's so cute.

Lovely.

My tree.

Very nice.

No, it doesn't look big, but it's 4 meters tall.

I mean, I'LL be honest.

Look at that.

I'd have thought that was like a two foot tree.

Yeah.

But that's not.

But it's a house is like really.

It's got this really tall bit in there.

Really nice tree.

I bought a lot of nutcrackers.

Yep.

Oh no.

That's a picture of me looking like a condom.

So yeah, that, that, that is that.

So if you saw on Instagram, fear not, Luana is still going ahead.

I will just be looking healthy, tanned.

People are saying about.

Yeah, and very jet lagged when we do these.

No, I think it'll work.

It's all good.

It's only four hours and I'll just be in bed by like babes.

Listen, do you know how many.

How many people I know that like that everybody lives everywhere nowadays.

I don't think it's a thing.

I don't think it's.

It's true.

BO style.

I've got a question for you, Anna.

Go on.

I want to know how the paper advent calendar went down.

Honest answer.

Like a sack of.

Like a sack of.

Although actually I.

What I would like to say is I think the kids got the gist of the message I was trying to portray.

There's no way.

Which was Enzo went.

I know he's wy.

My boy.

I tell you that boy.

He's wh.

Five and nine.

Nearly six.

Nearly six.

Yeah.

And he was like, I know.

I said, let's just say I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make us feel grateful for everything that we do.

And he got it, got the message.

And I was like.

He said.

And he said.

And I am grateful but.

But he knows cuz I love.

I love him.

He's my favorite spectacle.

My little geeky bottle.

Bottle eyes.

He's the little.

He is.

He's a little milky bar kid.

He's a little milky.

We love him so babe.

He's so sweet with his little tooth.

He lost his nose.

Oh, and he's got tooth.

His little tooth fell out.

He honestly.

He's just.

Honestly my boy.

Anyway, so I was like that is right.

Indy are very similar children.

So similar.

It's like one is.

Well, one is a boy and one is a girl.

But they are the same kids.

They're the same kids.

When in Indy's mannerism.

Can we talk about what she does?

Oh God, the fish.

Oh my God.

Right, so let me like.

So basically because like Lou has basically stitched me right up, sent me this video which was.

I've got A gift for Enzo.

Brilliant.

Indy's fish, she needs her fish looking after.

Obviously we can't take the fish to Dubai and Indy is really.

So I got these fish in the summer.

I don't know why I got them, because I knew that we've been moving to Dubai for ages now.

I mean, yeah.

I had a weak.

Moment in the summer holidays and I thought, oh, it.

I'll get the fish then.

Yeah.

Because Indy spent days researching what type of fish to get what size tank she needs for.

And I was like, you know what?

She's done so much.

And we went to a nice little independent fish shop and the guy in there was like, oh, my God, I'm so impressed.

We've never.

We never have young children coming in.

And he was like, I'm so impressed with her.

She had her little list and she really cares about these fish.

Clemmie didn't care so much, but obviously wanted a fish tank because Indy had one.

So Clemmies have gone to our mate Laura, and we.

And Indy's fish are nicer than the ones Laura got.

Are they?

Oh, yeah, they're bigger.

Because your mate Laura there messaged me going, you do know we've been stitched up with breeding guppies.

And I was like, yeah, I know.

And I just said, you know what?

I'm sort of.

I'm going to have to become friends with you now, aren't I, Laura?

Because we're going to have to figure out.

These bloody fish ones are nice.

Oh, that's good.

Well, basically.

So then I pitched it.

So no, then indie pitched it in a video to the kids, which was very beautifully presented video with like, here are my fish.

Like.

So then showed it to the kids.

Oh, no, I vocalize it.

I said, guys, how do you feel about like a fish tank, Indies fish tank?

And they were.

They weren't that bothered initially.

They were a bit.

And then I.

Then I showed them.

They're quite visual.

And then I showed him Indy's video of demonstrating the fish.

Like she was on qvc.

Like, literally, that kid can make it as a QVC presenter.

And here's the fish and here's.

You can change all the little accessories that go in the fish tank.

Well, that was it.

Bingo.

My two.

We want the fish.

We want the fish.

So we have the sodding fish tank arriving.

The kids are very excited now.

Now they're fighting over who gets the fish tank in whose room.

Well, in.

Cindy now is like hesitating on when to give the fish.

I was like, we can go to animals and get.

Oh no, it's, it's too far between.

When we meet she wants to basically give them on the day we move.

And I was like no, it's not going to be practical.

So I said we can make that work.

I'll talk to you today about it.

She wants to drop them off.

Oh, she wants to drop them off.

Well we can make it work because she needs.

She wants to basically like show how to clean it.

She's really into the.

But I'll be honest, it will come better from her to my two because I did say to them one whiff of you not looking after your fish and then it goes to the school.

Like that's what my mum did.

I got three warnings of cleaning out my guinea pigs and then they went.

And then one day I came home, no guinea pigs.

My mother is a strong ass mother.

I'm telling you.

Exactly.

It was my own fault.

Well thank you for the fish.

My kids are thrilled about it.

I'm less so but we'll go with the flow.

Oh oh, also sorry just to say had quite a lot of message about the horses.

Of course I'm taking the horses with me.

They fly on an airplane.

People would like messaging about that.

Yeah, they just, they just go on a cargo plane.

I'll Instagram it when they fly in a few days time and they do that.

Amazing, amazing.

Back to Blighty and the Nativity.

Yes.

The star costume.

We've got the Nativity is next week.

We've got the star costume.

We have a slight issue.

My child is Mariah Carey and it's not good enough for her.

I've got another 17.99 I spent on that.

Okay.

It's not good enough idea.

Can you show me a picture of it?

Yeah, I'll find it in a minute.

I think what we need to do is get those strip LED lights.

If you give me the costume.

Yes.

I'm gonna go bring the costume round actually bring it round because I've.

Got ideas for this costume.

Can you.

Would you.

Because it's to make her a shining star.

Because I don't have this sort of nativity at my school.

Well I went to her so my kids primary school and he doesn't have one.

No, they don't have Clemmie's economy's I miss because I was working but terrible mother.

Well you know life happens but my kids primary school is literally like the primary school in nativity.

You know the musical video like which we watch the other day is literally like that.

And the kid's teacher, she did actually say to me, can you show me.

A picture of it?

It's a bit.

No, no, I'm good.

But she did say to me because we got the email about, you know, suggested outfits.

Yeah.

Does she listen to the pod?

Do you think?

She.

I don't know.

I didn't want to.

She's a newer teacher, actually, so she's really good, by the way.

Which one?

Oh, I've got.

Okay, it's this one.

Okay, let me have a look.

Hang on, I.

If you get me that.

Okay.

It's that.

Oh, right.

I will pimp this up.

Well, she does what we need to do.

It's basically, guys, I've been given the.

Free reign, by the way, by the teacher to go for it.

She was like, I don't want you to think.

Think.

You have to go extra.

I was like, babes.

And then she went.

I went, but would you mind if I did?

And she went, no, babes.

I mean, she is the star.

So I think exactly that.

It's basically just a gold star with the.

Like a tabard.

Yeah, like a T. Yeah.

So what I think we could do is we can get some LED strip lights.

We'll run that around there.

Yeah.

And we'll light her up with the little battery pack on the top.

Well, she's having a breakdown over the top bit, so she wants that bit cut off.

And I've now bought a star headband.

What?

You can't cut that off.

Well, maybe you need to have a word with her then.

Well, no, we could close that in and just bring it lower.

She had like a sensory overload on it.

She was like, it's.

I can't move my head.

I can't move my head.

But do you know what else we've got, though, which is really exciting?

She.

Oh, hang on, sorry, landscapers.

She.

She's got a solo.

Did I tell you this?

That shows what's singing solo.

So she's.

Well, she has the thing.

It's going well, girls.

It's going well.

Yeah.

She's utterly bribed me.

A bit like your indie when she had operation.

Yeah.

It was like, I'll do it by myself and not have a year two helping me if.

Oh, yeah, I do you buy me a massive plush toy that she wants from bloody Smiths.

Obviously I bought the plush toy because I'm like, you need to do this.

Talking about solos.

Right.

So my kids do lambda.

Right?

We'll move on from our kids and.

Realize we never talk about our kids.

Because this is actually really cute.

Okay.

But basically Indy and Dixie D Lambda.

Clemmie doesn't.

And.

They had this Lambda presentation evening.

They got their exams this week.

They do do the presentation so the parents can see what they're doing.

And I really have no idea what my kids do day to day.

Anyway, so we'll get to the evening and I've got Clemmie with me and Indy's gonna do her little thing.

Anyway, she comes out on the stage, she's got these little tap shoes on.

No idea where she's got the tap shoes from.

She's obviously happened for a while.

I just never noticed.

Amazing.

And suddenly she bursts into dance and song on her own in front of all of the other parents, singing.

And I was born to entertain.

She looks like a little Shirley Temple.

She's got bright red hair.

Yeah.

She's got these little taps she's on.

She's giving it all these movements.

She's going from the tip of my nose to the top of my feet.

And then she does a little solo tap.

Well, I couldn't believe it.

I was laughing because I was so shocked.

And the other mums are like, she's really good.

And I was like, yeah, she is actually really good.

It was.

I was blown away.

So this is definitely an improvement since the hockey.

Oh, the hockey.

Actually, you know, we've all got.

We've all got our vice advices.

Isn't indie strongest thing, but let me tell you, that kid should be on a stage.

You know what, it's funny you say that.

Don't know what to buy kids, though.

We don't talk about kids, but everyone's bored now.

They are tuning.

But speaking of which, I had a moment of surprise as well the other day because, you know, did I tell you that Enzo started drums lessons?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the last time I took him to drums, which was, I'll be honest, quite a few weeks ago, Alex takes him to drums.

I tend to do something else with.

L hadn't seen him for a while when he first started.

For Christmas.

No, I am not.

You can get the.

I add the electric ones for Dixie with the headphones.

Well, maybe, but you can practice and you can't.

I went in, I took him on Saturday and then literally, hang on.

Give us a rendition.

Hang on.

But, like.

So he was like, right in, so warm up, literally.

And I was like, hang on.

Into the mic, please.

Straight away.

Just literally kicked in.

He's really good.

Literally.

They literally went all right and say warm up.

And he went.

And I was like, all right, boss.

Good.

He's not bad.

And also, while we're talking about our musical children, Dixie and I, the harmonica and singing to piano man.

She only got the harmonica that day.

I mean, she's.

She is actually quite.

We are the Von Traps.

There we go.

There we go.

Enough of our gut.

Enough of our show.

Also this weekend, go on the grotto.

You're coming up.

Yeah, the Santa Grotto.

My kids decided to do a grotto.

Do you want to hear something hilarious?

They've only invited my.

What I would call celebrity friends.

Okay.

So they wanted friends with younger children so they can boss the kids around.

They've turned their tree house into a grotto.

They found all my decorations.

They've done it by themselves.

They've been printing out about 100 pages of coloring in and writing to Santa.

They've got my Santa post box out.

They've gone all in.

You know, Elle is like, all in for this.

So basically, they've invited Anna and her kids, Carrie and her kids, Stacy Solomon and her kids.

I'm like, are we inviting anyone who's not a celebrity?

Couple.

Couple.

But not many, because I didn't want loads because I've now gone extra, haven't I?

So I've got a chef doing afternoon tea.

Well, I thought, oh, that.

I'm not actually.

Lou did message me going, I've got to do something.

I can't just have my dad dressing up as father.

And I tried to get a really good Santa.

Did you.

Do you remember the really good Santa from my party?

They said it's the busiest Sunday of the year, so we're just gonna have to have my dad.

But at least we've got nice food.

Well, the food is afternoon tea for adults.

Really nice, fancy, like Brie and.

Oh, you don't want, like, a cheese board.

Yeah, this is the kids I've got.

Yeah.

So we're doing that well.

So we're keeping it festive.

Oh, another quick update as well.

Renault.

Lots of people have been saying to me, what's with the Renault?

I'll keep it brief.

We're finally watertight, guys.

It's only taken us eight months to get a roof and windows and doors on.

We are very happy.

We are very happy.

We are very pleased.

We are motoring through.

We should be in by spring.

We'll see.

But you know what?

For the Renault that ended up becoming a massive Renault, we're really happy.

So thank you to all our builders and enjoy the view.

Glazing that's not an ad.

Not spawn.

We've paid them good money, but they are very good because.

Remember my window?

Oh, yes.

That was hell.

No.

These guys worked overtime over the weekend to get away from the weather.

And I'm like, that is amazing.

A company that works over the weekends as well.

Yeah, I know.

And they.

They were amazing.

So thank you to everyone who has really helped get our.

Our house.

Right, imo.

How are you?

Yeah.

Oh, wait, no, wait.

Jingle.

Have we got a jingle this week?

We've got two more options for.

Oh, the jingle.

Right.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

First comes in from Charlie.

Yeah, Here we go.

It's Charlie and Darby.

We've got a potential jingle for you.

For the reco seco.

Don't know what to watch don't know what to do don't know where to.

Go We've got the answers for you.

In the rare cosecco.

It's the rare cosecco, yeah.

Oh, pretty good.

Yeah.

At the end, I liked the Quite like that.

Not sure how catchy it is.

I still like the milking one.

I just like the penmanship.

It was very nice penmanship.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you, Charlie.

Thank you.

This comes in from.

She wanted to be anonymous and she wanted to call herself Felicity Flaps.

Great.

Excellent.

Good morning, Liu Animo.

I have a little jingle for you.

Hopefully you like it.

Average and adhd.

So even if you don't use it, this is what I'll sing.

But here it goes.

It's a red coat.

I mean, you could get totally carried away with that, Lou.

Seems like your vibe.

Anyway, give me a wicked porn star name of Felicity Flaps.

I quite like this.

It's a red co.

It's a red co.

It's a red corset.

Above and beyond It's a red coat.

The red cosecco oluana.

So come along.

Anything to the final countdown gets my vote.

Quite honestly, I actually really like that.

Yeah, that's the one for today.

Imogen, what do you think?

I like it.

I like it a lot.

And I think you can sing it well.

What was the one we had last week?

Oh, yeah.

If anyone would like to actually try and put that to the final countdown with the lyrics, we will then play that.

Not allowed, though, are we?

Are we not?

No, not allowed.

Change.

Yeah, change a couple of notes, we'll be fine.

Right, well, speaking of reference.

Okay.

Right, go on then.

Over to you, Lou.

Over to you, Ems.

Okay, what is it this week from.

About Rachel from accounts.

Mine is a TV show called Colin from Accounts.

Oh, okay.

It's an Australian comedy.

Right?

Right.

And it's very good.

I love it so much.

What?

Chanel?

I think it's on the Beeb.

I think that's where.

Okay.

And it might be on Netflix.

But Colin from Accounts.

Basically, there's a man and the premise, the beginning, the premise.

There's a man, he's driving somewhere and he.

And a woman walks past and flashes her tit at him and he gets distracted and hits a dog.

So they both take the dog to the vets.

The dog lives.

They call the dog Colin.

Good.

And it's about that basically and what becomes of them and the dog.

And it's just great.

Heartwarming.

It's heartwarming.

It's funny.

They're like short episodes because it's like comedy vibes.

So it's very digestible.

If you're looking for something to watch over the festive period, maybe try that.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

Anna.

Well, mine, Mine.

No, not at all.

The Rocco Seco can be anything, obviously.

Little recommendation of the week.

And I was sort of toying between should it be a skin care thing this week because I have got a few of those.

Like, what do I wanna.

But I'm gonna just keep it real because I've just had a delivery from itsu.

Right.

So my record of the week, right.

Is Bex will know this when she comes around and does my tick tock filming.

My record Sec of the week is we're in Christmas season, which means if you're anything like me, you're eating like an elephant all the time.

And we haven't even got to the big day yet.

We're still a few weeks off.

So for me, you know, picking is my downfall.

However, these little Itzu, like posh pot noodle type.

Oh, I love.

I've been eating these for years.

Oh, I know, I know.

Same, love, same.

But I. I reminded myself of day.

I thought they are brilliant if you're trying to just be a little bit good.

In inverted comments, they're only 200 calories.

They're really.

Exactly.

But I find them filling and satisfying because you can drink the broth at the end.

So my reco Seco is if you're anything like me and you're just trying to save the fact that you don't want to be eating 8, 000 calories a day just yet, have your little itu pot.

And I have that as my little Scooby snack.

And it keeps me going to the.

Actual can I add to you to that.

That's mine.

So.

But also it's a. I mean, we're waxing about and we are not paid.

We' cream pay.

This is a genuine.

But they also do like the goyos and the bow buns and they just like defrost in the microwave in about 45 seconds.

But I do the broth.

I take it out of the plastic pots.

I like to be bougie.

I put it in a proper bowl and then I put some goyoza in there.

Like three or four goyos are floating in there too, which I like.

And then on the side I'll have two bow buns with a bit of sweet chili.

It's like being in the actual restaurant.

Yeah, And I like that.

So there you go.

So there you go.

So he's yours.

It's so as well.

No, no.

Oh, fine.

Okay.

Well, that was mine then, right?

Mine is.

If you're thinking about Christmas presents for kids and maybe people do this and I know, like we have all those Christmas Eve boxes and all that.

I don't do any of that.

But basically, on Christmas Day, my kids love getting I call like a Christmas tooth hamper box.

Yeah, you were saying about this last week.

Have I already done this then?

Well, you said they like a hamper.

Well, you haven't said what's in it.

Farted.

My reco is you get a little box and in it something to play.

Oh, no, this is good.

Something to read, something to watch, something soft and something creative.

All right, so I'll put like a toy in there.

Like maybe like a little fidget.

You know, they like the squishies and all that stuff.

A good book to read.

Then I'll put like a little pamper things.

Minor girls, obviously.

So I put like a little face mask in or some skincare that they like.

And then I'll do like sometimes pajamas or cozy socks.

And I just put a load of little too.

I want something to eat as well, so I put like a little chocky in there.

Yeah.

And I put all nice chalky orange, all nice, like straw paper in there.

Whatever.

That's nice.

And they love that little Christmas Christmas little tooth hamper.

So that's quite good.

I try and streamline Christmas.

Love that.

Yeah, I I me fast, fast.

A streamlined Christmas.

Love it.

But a little hamper box.

Loads of great deals on my Amazon, guys.

There you go.

So if you Infectious laughing so if you would, if you've got any reco secos, let us know, guys, we'd like to know what you know if you've got anything you want to throw into the mix.

Right, the Christmas cash call.

This is exciting, guys.

Are you ready for this?

You could win this.

We are not just saying this.

This is an absolute whopper.

£350,000.

So how do you fancy winning 350, 000 pounds?

I mean, who wouldn't?

That's a house.

This must be like.

That's like two houses.

Like some places.

Exactly.

This must be like one of the biggest giveaways.

Like it's huge.

Definitely the we've done.

We've only gone and added another 100 grand.

Peeps.

The countdown to Christmas has of course begun.

We love you and you could be celebrating early with Christmas cash calls.

So on Friday 12th December.

That is literally a squeak's time.

Yeah.

A celebrity could be calling you with a present that you're never going to Forget.

It's a huge 350000 pounds in your bank account straight away.

Bish bash Buff.

That really is a mezza Chrissa.

So here's how you get your number in the drawer for your chance to win that massive prize pot.

Just text the word Luana to eight double two double zero.

That's L U A N N A to eight double two double zero.

Text cost 250 plus your standard network rate.

Or you can enter online via Global player.

Lines close at 5pm on Friday 12th December.

That's when you'll need to be by your phone in case it rings.

You've got to be 18 or over.

Get the rules online and free entry details for this global network competition@globalplayer.com forward/win.

Right, massages.

Let's.

Let's muff on tin, shall we, Peeps?

Message from Anonymous.

So, Fanny Slammer.

Oh, funny.

Slammer.

Hi, Luana and Emo.

Awesome name by the way.

Imogen is also my daughter's name.

There it is, there it is.

Look how love.

Look how happy IMO is.

I love listening to the pod.

And I have a life story I've been dying to share, but wondered when the best time to email him would be.

I mean, it's always now.

Well, the opportunity came, became clear after hearing you discuss the story about the woman who faked her pregnancy and baby last week.

Oh, that was wild.

So bad.

You asked how other people do this and how did other people not notice?

Both very valid questions which had me thinking about something that happened to me and had me asking the very same questions.

I would love to hear Your take on this all, please keep anonymous with a fabulous porn star name.

Although anyone who knows me well will recognize the story.

I'll try and keep this as brief as I can, but there is a lot to fit in.

In 2006, I interviewed for a job in a bar in Birmingham and I was happily successful.

Three months later, the manager, let's call him Dick Brilliant, who hired me and I started hired me and I started dating.

He was a little odd.

Shab.

I mean she's straight in Lou straight well in Joe Pen eye.

Off we go.

He was a little odd, shall we say.

But I was, if I'm honest, so very lonely.

Oh, and had so very little self confidence.

I was just flattered he was interested.

Bless you, babe.

I overlooked his oddities as a child and we swear, I mean, there is rose tinted glasses, isn't there?

Bless us.

And we swiftly moved in together.

And six years later, we were marri been together a while.

When we met, he was studying for a degree as well as working part time.

And just like me, as I was in my third year of a music degree, all seemed well.

After finishing his degree, he left the bar to pursue a job in finance.

I'm looking for a man in finance.

My brother, he did a music degree and then he went into work in finance.

Really?

This is my brother.

This wasn't easy.

He worked from home for a while doing online trading before getting a great new job with an accountant for.

Is this my brother before get your job with an accountancy firm.

That started just after we were married.

My brother's never been married.

It's not him.

We were viewing houses to buy and life seemed great.

I should add that during this time, his dad, sadly and unexpectedly.

I don't know what's happened, passed away.

And it had a huge effect on him and our relationship.

Well, it would, babe.

Yeah, but I held him up.

We worked through it.

And I was so understanding when he cried the whole way through our wedding ceremony with grief that his dad wasn't there.

Oh, that's really so sad.

Well, and this is where the questions mentioned in the beginning start coming in 18 months after the wedding, I could tell something wasn't quite adding up.

I couldn't put my finger on exactly what, but my gut was screaming at me that all was not well.

One day I dropped him off at the train station only to see him in my rear view mirror walk away from the station and back towards home.

Oh, odd, I thought.

This niggled at me for a few hours until I eventually gave in and called his work to speak to him.

Hi, can I speak to Dick, please?

I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm afraid no one by that name works here.

Oh, have they ever?

No.

I've worked here for years and I've never heard of that name.

What?

I can't describe the sheer panic that was starting to build inside me as I'm sat at my desk in a shared office at a new job.

So I decided to call Dick directly.

Hi, where are you?

I'm at work.

Why?

Oh, my God.

Well, that's funny, because I just called there and they say you don't and you have never worked there.

What the hell?

Silence.

And then I think you need to come home.

This is like a movie, babes.

I'm so invested right now.

My mind racing.

I told my manager through blinding tears that I needed to leave.

I went home and I prepared for the worst.

I sat him down on the sofa, told him he could say yes and no, and essentially interrogated my husband for what felt like hours.

Oh, my God.

In short, he had been lying to me for the entirety of our relationship.

Oh, my God.

Heaven.

Listen to this.

He had been kicked out of uni.

He gave himself a first, I'd like to add, knob.

So didn't have a degree.

He hadn't earned a penny the whole time that he'd been online trading.

And when his job at the accountancy firm started, he would go to town for the day and just hang out in the library before coming home.

He had essentially been unemployed for three years and I had no clue.

No idea.

We had separate bank accounts.

We had separate bank accounts.

He'd be.

And he.

Oh, and he'd been spending his savings.

Where did he get the savings?

I don't know.

So the house deposit was gone.

He'd borrowed money from his family and he'd asked them not to tell me he hadn't paid his half of the rent in a year, but the landlady didn't tell me either.

Oh, these people keeping you in the dark as well.

He had CCJs pending debt collectors at the door and I was oblivious.

As for everybody else, no one knew his family, friends, no one.

I mean, they were giving him money, though.

I was working my ass off to build a deposit, but that had gone to.

Oh, you poor thing.

But that had gone too, because he asked me to pay for a few things whilst the bank were dealing with some fraud on his account.

I didn't question it.

He was my husband.

I had no reason to suspect he was a lying deceitful man I didn't know at all.

So bad.

This is like, it's not the Tinder swindler, do you know what I mean?

And all those tears at the wedding, panic that he was lying to everyone in the room, including the effing registrar.

I was devastated.

My friends rallied, supported me, My family refrained from causing him bodily harm.

And in time, I calmed down.

But this is where I question my own sanity.

I was 29 at the time, and in my world, we were planning a family together.

I didn't want to start again.

I doubted anyone else would want me anymore.

Honey poo.

I. I told myself that he hadn't physically hurt me.

He cheated on, hadn't cheated on me.

He'd just been stupid.

Got himself in a situation he didn't know how to get out of.

So I said, look, I get it.

People do this, this.

He got old job as a waiter, quickly became a restaurant manager, and eventually a hotel manager.

Okay, well, hang on.

This is turning out.

Yeah.

We had two kids in the next three years and for a while seemed like a happy little family.

But raising children essentially alone, which is what you do when your partner works in hospitality, takes its toll.

I started my own business, working around pickups and drop offs and building a happy life for myself.

Sure, he lived at home and contributed to the household income, but I was essentially a married single mother.

So many women are married single mother of 100.

I'm responsible for everything.

Because he wasn't allowed access to the household cash after his behavior of she's.

Got like a child.

It's difficult.

Yeah.

And essentially living a life where he wasn't needed.

The story, however, does have a happy ending.

Okay, I didn't know this was coming.

I come from a family with divorced parents and vowed never to do that to my kids.

But last September, I was nearing 40, my business was successful, I earned more than him, and I decided enough was enough.

I was dumb.

I had checked out from my marriage a long time ago.

It sounds it, babes.

Sometime near.

When I asked him to have a vasectomy so I could come off the pill, I was told, and I quote, but if you die, I can't have any more children.

Oh, wow.

Like he looked after the ones he had so well.

Ouch.

I was finished.

So I called it.

I graciously allowed him some time to adjust, but he eventually agreed.

And this September, after a year of cohabiting, I really don't recommend that he moved out.

We are divorced and my new passport in my maiden name has Just been delivered.

I have never been so proud of doing something for me to make a decision for myself and for my own happiness to add to the party.

I met someone new last November and we are celebrating knowing each other a year this week.

He has seen the very best and worst of me this year and not once flinched when I have sobbed uncontrollably or vented my feelings.

He makes me laugh harder than anyone I know and I fancy the absolute pants.

He makes me feel loved and seen something I hadn't experienced before.

Turns out I do like sex after all.

Just not with my Lucious prick of an ex husband.

We are now amicable co parents.

Well, this.

That's good.

I always recommend that who can have a civil conversation regarding the children.

And I wish him all the best.

Well done for getting to that point by the way.

And the real cherry on the cake, my youngest, my boy who is eight, curled up in my lap last night and said, oh, this is what is so lovely.

Guys.

Mummy, you look happy.

I don't remember you laughing a lot when daddy lived here, but you laugh all the time.

They do notice.

Oh, they notice everything.

And people stay in unhappy relationships.

Oh, because the kids, you can't do it to the kids.

Kids.

The best thing you can do to the kids to give them two happy parents.

It is always as.

As someone that deals with that from a therapy point of view.

It is.

Yeah, it is.

Sorry, she says that was a long one.

Would you believe I edited a lot out?

I hope you made.

I hope made it to the pub.

Keep making us laugh.

You felt more than you know.

Of course we will keep making you laugh.

And thank you for that lovely story.

It just goes to show that, you know what, when you think of when you actually have good self esteem and you work your way through that, amazing things happen.

We got another message now.

Message from Anon.

So.

Dicks on my right.

Dicks on my ass.

Dick's in my ass.

Dick's on my ass.

In my ass.

Did you do that on him?

No.

Oh, you know she did it because she's not laughing uncontrollably.

I like it though.

Hi, loanamo.

Please keep me anonymous as this is a very awkward subject.

I'm failing you.

To the party.

And it's been such a source of comfort and laughter while my husband and I renovate our first home.

Sorry about the long message, but I want to Hear your opinion.

18 months ago, I took a job at a local salon.

It was a step down from my career in London, but I wanted A calmer life closer to home, as I knew I'd be spending my nights renovating my new home.

Really, I should have seen the red flags at the job interview.

The owners, who are husband and wife, asked if I had children or planned to have them, which actually is illegal.

You can't do that.

Yeah.

I found the question intrusive, but I brushed it off because it didn't affect me at the time and I really wanted the job.

The role has been great for my mental health.

I work on reception, have lovely relationships with the clients and it's been such a relief from the chaos from my previous work.

I'd got fairly close to the wife, who absolutely wears the trousers in the relationship.

Unfortunately, she reacts terribly whenever the subject of children or pregnancy come up.

If kids come into the salon.

Salon.

She mutters cruel comments.

She pulls faces behind people's backs and talks about pregnant women as if they're useless.

She's actually gone as far to say all pregnant women are thick and lose theirselves when they have children.

Babe.

She's got some emotions.

Do you know what?

People like this always end up pregnant and it's because they can't have children or something's going on.

I had a friend like this and she was so horrible about children, horrible when any of us were pregnant.

And then she then went on to have two kids and now loves kids.

And it was all.

It's all.

It's all emotional hanger.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Anyway, she said I usually laugh, laugh awkwardly or roll my eyes to avoid conflict, but I never agreed with her.

Please note, they do not have children and they're in their late 50s.

Interesting.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon, yet terrified to tell my boss.

Two other girls at work were pregnant and she constantly complained about them.

I even tried to hide my doctor's appointments, including when I was having pain and the doctors were worried about another ectopic pregnancy.

Eventually I told her.

She cried, asked if I was was keeping the baby.

What the.

And made me feel guilty for being pregnant.

Dreadful.

Weeks later, I missed curry.

So sorry.

It was the worst heartbreak I'd ever experienced.

I took only two days off, pulled myself together and went back to work.

Since then, she's been oddly nice, but she still makes comments like, please don't get pregnant.

I can only assume something in her past has made her like this, but she's never opened up and I try to maintain a level of professionalism even when she doesn't.

My husband and I want to Start trying again.

But the thought of telling her fills me with dread.

I could leave, but most jobs require a year of employment before maternity pay and we want to build our family.

Now, I'm 35 and I've already had losses.

I feel completely stuck between wanting a peaceful pregnancy and needing financial stability.

As this is a small, family run business, there is no such thing as hr.

Friends have told me to record her and take her to court.

But why would I want to spend what should be a joyful pregnancy dealing with legal battles?

Other girls at work feel the same way, but no one is willing to come forward together.

I might talk to acas, but there's part of me that feels they'll push me into a legal fight.

More than anything, I'm tired of feeling afraid to start the family we dreamed of.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

What should I do?

Well, can I just tell you something now?

Plan your family and you do what's right for you.

Because in a year, two years, three years, five years, you will not know this woman.

You will not work for this woman and she will be a distant memory.

So do not let this woman affect the decisions for you and your family.

You're 35, you're not getting any younger.

You want to start a family and that's exactly what you should do.

And you should record her and you should.

You know, you say there's no such thing as HR for a small business.

My business is small.

We employ well now because we're moving.

We've only got nine people compared to the 15 that we had.

But there is still such a thing as hr.

You still have to have hr.

You can't just.

Yeah.

You can't run Russia.

Yeah.

Go free range just because there's not a lot of employees.

Exactly.

So there might not be hr, but if you came to them with a problem, they would have to pay for HR consultant.

Which is what I've had to do in my business on occasion.

You have to get independent HR advice.

And every business, however big or however small.

It's very annoying when you run a small business is that you have to have a code of conduct and practices in place.

You should be.

You should have proper contracts, you should have proper health risks.

You know, when, when nanny Lauren got pregnant, we had to do a risk assessment for her because she was pregnant at work.

And if they're not following that, then they're not being correct.

And I get that when you've got a small business, it's annoying and it's extra expense and it's hard for small businesses to do those things, but they are things that you have to adhere to.

And I would re, I would record what, what she says to you and I would write things down because you might not be feeling strong enough at the moment to tackle these things when they come up.

But, but you may well need that if you're dismissed, you know.

Yes.

For being pregnant and obviously illegal.

Yeah.

That from both ends of the spectrum.

I get it.

It's annoying when you run a small business and people get pregnant and, and it's annoying when you run a small business and people are off sick and stuff.

But.

But it's also life.

But it's also life.

And, and also if, you know, if we weren't having babies, I mean, then we wouldn't have any, you know, the next generation coming up underneath us.

I mean, what.

I, I think Lou's given some really good advice there and I think it sounds like.

And I get it as well.

It's really hard when it is a boss and you're all, including you and your colleagues are feeling nervous about it, you know, but at the same time, you know, this is your job.

It is discriminatory.

You cannot be discriminated against because you want to have a baby, you want to have a family.

My.

I mean, I don't know if you feel strong enough doing this, you know, you might even want to have a bit little play around with it.

But I would as lucid.

You, you cannot apologize.

And neither should you ever apologize for, you know, having a life.

You, you work to live, not the other way around.

But this woman is clearly.

It's her business.

She's really invested in her business, but she is projecting her views and her ideals onto her workforce.

And actually it's bullying and it's definitely passive aggressive.

It's not even passive, it's just aggressive.

You know, the way she's speaking about other people.

It is by design to make everybody feel fearful around having a baby because you will know.

Know.

Yes, possibly.

It is steeped in.

She will absolutely have a reason for this.

Yeah.

Which she's probably, she's probably will never bring to the table.

And that's her personal business.

But what is also your personal business is you're allowed to have a baby.

Personally, if I, if I were you, but this is easy for me to say because I'm not in your position.

I.

You don't want to be treading on eggshells.

If you like your job and you want to stay in your job, worrying about having a Baby because you're just going to end up going stark gravy mad.

It's going to play into your mental health, it's going to play into yourself self esteem.

I would actually even just make it quite over and just say call it out for what it is.

Let's call her Jane.

Jane, I've really noticed over the past X amount of times you have some really strong feelings around people getting pregnant within the business and people in the company.

To be really clear with you, having a baby is on my agenda.

I will keep you in the loop as much as I am obliged to.

But that is.

Exactly.

But that is part.

But that is part of my plan and I.

And I would actually call her out and it.

Not aggressively not but, but name often I think when people are bullies, name it for what it is.

Jane, I hear you've got an issue with people being pregnant.

However, that is something I'm planning to do and just so she is aware and just.

Yeah, suck it up, Buttercup.

Really is what I would say.

It's hard.

Look from a small business perspective and especially in a salon environment where you are employing.

Predominantly women of a childbearing age who are life planning.

It is, it is hard.

And you do think, oh hell, not another one.

You know, I've.

And I can come at this as both sides with like the, the young women I employ for nannies and you know, I think it's impossible to be a nanny well for me anyway and have kids.

Well, I think really hard, it's a really hard.

Many make it work.

But yeah, it's, it's, it's hard if you, you know, if you're then going on holiday with a family for three weeks like my girls do, it doesn't work for you.

But can you have to wrap around exactly their kids.

But that is just part and parcel of employing that demographic of people.

And you, you've got to understand that.

And you know, I will say in jest sometimes to like now, oh, please don't have a baby and leave me but I would be thrilled for her when she gets married and has a baby and you know, I'll bloody look after it for her because she hasn't got a mum.

But also we need to be supporting working moms.

Being a working mom is the hardest thing in the world and I do believe just because we, we can in inverted commas.

I think it's nigh on impossible emotionally and mentally.

So anyone that has been a.

We're working mums.

It's hard.

You feel Emotionally torn all the time.

But we're trying to work, we're trying to earn money, we're trying to, you know, raise our children at the same time.

So anybody that is throwing shade in that direction when we have a declining birth rate anyway, which isn't going to help any of us as we get into our golden ears, he's gonna wipe off talk.

But it's awful.

I think it's so disgusting to be so discriminatory over women.

This.

This woman's got a issue because of her own thing and she's projecting it on you.

Stand up, ladies.

This is your rights.

You're allowed to have a baby, you're allowed to work.

There is legislation in place to help support you on that.

And you need to just own that girl.

Don't let it you be brown as well.

You are well within your rights.

I know that Anna says tackle it head on.

If you don't feel brave enough, which.

You might not, you are well within.

Your rights, guys, not to tell your employer that you're pregnant.

I think until it's something like maybe you're 20 weeks.

I think you're right.

20.

Often you don't show until you're 20.

You know, people like to think they do and they stick their tummy out and bloody caress it.

There's no bump there, you know, normal.

I will just say, though, caveat to that because.

Just because in, in it depends what industry you're in.

Because, like, if there's an industry that has risk assessment and stuff, because.

Yeah, but in a salon on reception, you will not be, you will not have to tell your employer about that pregnancy until you're 20 weeks and you don't need all that stress and the risk of miscarrying again.

Are you going to fact check me there?

Am I?

It is.

You must tell your employer you're pregnant no later than the 15th week before your baby's due.

So that is really late.

Yeah.

So like 30 weeks.

35 weeks.

No, 25 weeks.

25 weeks.

Yeah.

But the thing is, you know, don't have the stress of potentially telling her whilst you're still in that risk stage prior to 12 weeks where you could miscarry.

Because what's happened now is you've obviously had a really awful loss and I'm really sorry about that, but you actually didn't need all that stress and that you didn't have to tell her.

If you feel a bit sick, you feel sick, call him bloody sick.

Yeah, call in sick.

Exercise.

You're right.

And if you Just get statutory sick pay, will you?

Just get statutory.

I'm sick, I'm sick of miscarriage, baby loss, pregnancy being minimized.

I really am like just because it happens obviously all the time but also it is a huge deal for the person that's going through it.

It's huge.

But you have to remember we, we do find out now that we're pregnant, like the Internet, we're bloody pregnant.

Which isn't, wasn't regular or normal in past times.

You find out about that because of science and all this and good, really good first response.

We're all paying on a stick within a day.

Yeah.

But actually a lot of pregnancies do end in miscarriage because that, for whatever reason that, that, that cellular structure is not compatible with life.

And so you.

It's very common.

Mr.

It's so common.

I don't know the rates but it's, it's.

What are the miscarriages?

There are, there's like one in, it's.

Quite high one in five or something but you know, so stop telling people the instant you get pregnant as well.

Wait till you're at that 12 week stage because there's so much risk prior to that.

So listen, you don't apologize having a baby.

It's your family, your thing, have that baby.

Did you look at the miscarriage rates there we were just talking about.

Yes, I did.

It says.

Half, 50% of adults in the UK said that they or someone they know have experienced pregnancy or baby loss.

It's estimated that early miscarriages happen to ten to twenty in a hundred of pregnancies.

Yeah, it's a lot isn't 10 to 20%.

And it's estimated that second trimester loss or late miscarriage happens to 3 to 4% of pregnancies.

That's quite, that's higher than I thought.

And I think that's.

I'm, I'm so protective of women.

I'm sick of and tired of people just being.

So you go forth have your baby unapologetically you do you honey.

You're not going to know that women in a few years.

So stop her off.

Right, we've got another message from anon.

So flick my bean.

I thought I'd write in a T about my daughter's nativity play from last year.

Oh, here we go.

Please keep me anon purely for the funny name.

Now we struck gold last year.

My little angel was going to be Mary.

Big moment, Huge massive honor.

We took the day off work, charged the phone, told every relative who've ever Showed mild interest in her existence.

You are my person, babes.

We're all packed in the school hall, sweating in our coats.

The lights go down, the angels.

Mints on.

Oh, the angels on.

Joseph is wearing the classic tea towel, all very cute.

Then it's my big girl's big moment.

She walks on with her little blue robe, carrying the baby Jesus doll.

I'm already tearing up, I'm thinking this is it.

This is the motherly pride they talk about.

I've been there, I'm with you.

And then my darling daughter stops center stage, lifts up the baby like in the Lion King and announces in her loudest possible voice, this is baby Jesus, good on track.

He was born in a stable.

Daddy told me he's not real, but I think he is.

I borned him.

She's only gone off book.

Send help.

I shot daggers at my husband.

She proceeds to turn to Joseph, sweet little five year old Liam, and shouts, oh, you aren't my baby Jesus, daddy.

God is.

And she fell to the floor doing that praise bow thing.

When you're on your knees waving your arms up and down like salaam salam.

It was full EastEnders drama.

The teachers in the wings were scrabbling and gesturing for her to shut up and the audience was in hysterics.

I couldn't stop staring, mouth open at her.

Where the hell had she got this from?

Yeah, you know it.

She then stood, stood, loudly shushed the.

Loudly shushed the entire hall and started singing the Virgin Mary had a baby boy in her loudest, most practiced voice.

I don't think this was meant to happen.

From the looks from the start, babes, this kid is my kind of girl.

But the rest of the school joined in.

At this point, I've slid so far down my chair, I'm basically under the chair.

Other parents are crying with laughter.

The teacher finally moved things along.

But as Mary sits down in the stable, her robe gets caught hearted at the back and she accidentally.

Mooned the whole front row.

This kid needs a bafta, guys.

Full ass, no pants, no pants.

I shot a second dagger at my husband who'd got her dress that morning and I hid for the rest of the performance that dad is getting it in the ass.

I have never packed up my belongings and left the room faster than I did that day.

My daughter has never been prouder of herself.

We've brought her up with such an ignorant confidence and it's a win, isn't it?

It is, yeah.

I'm thinking drama school might be for her.

Love you girls.

I Hope I've given you a festive giggle.

Oh, you have.

Can't wait to hear all the other Lufanians Christmas stories.

It's my favorite time of year.

Love that.

I can only pray that Elle does this next week.

Well, listen, please get your Nativity stories and all your other guff into us.

You can email us Luanna at.

You can also drop us a WhatsApp on 07452 double six 947.

And whilst we're here doing memos, please, if you're looking for Christmas gifts, don't forget there are very few sprinkling of tickets left for our Luana the party.

It's next year, but it's near enough sold out.

But there's still a few left.

So if you're looking for Christmas presents for a fellow Lufanian, do check tickets out.

They are@everythingluana.com.

Right, newsy bits.

Now this is an interesting one and I have seen this lady, Georgina Cox, crying her eyes out, bless her heart, on Tick Tock.

Sweaty Betty, we all know Sweaty Betty, the fitness brand, I think I'm wearing their leggings right now, has offered four grand.

You might be boycotting after this.

Maybe four.

£4,000 for slogan.

What was the thing, Lucary?

She had a slogan.

Slogan for slogan use and science.

So a personal trainer who has a good couple of hundred thousand thousand followers has revealed that the active wear brand Sweaty Betty has offered her a settlement of £4,000 over a slogan dispute if she agreed to not challenge it any further for the firm to be able to use it and indeed if she was to agree to keep the deal confidential.

So this lady is called Georgina Cox.

Some of you may follow her.

And she basically coined the phrase where the damn shoulder shorts.

Well, did she?

Because I'm not being funny, it's a bit like of a general phrase.

It's like where the d. You know, people have been saying that for years.

I would not say.

I would not credit her with coining this phrase.

Now, I think that's a really good point to tear up because I'm with you.

However, what else do we say?

Wear the damn.

Eat the damn cake.

Yeah, wear the damn dress.

Or like.

It's a very common thing.

She can't blanket this phrase.

So, so, so I'm with you, but let's go on with this because you should be like, well, no, but with you.

However, though Sweaty Betty had approached her a couple of years ago when it first came out, because it did go viral.

It went on it.

It was Quite synonymous with her, because all the new, you know, loose women.

And it was a very big, viral moment for her.

Wear the damn shorts.

But Sweaty Betty then approached her and said, we love your slogan.

Do we have your permission to use it in our advertising campaign?

Right.

So.

So essentially she did so.

So she was like, thank you very much.

Yes, you can use my.

My slogan.

That's fine.

We'll pay you a little fee to say thank you for using their thing.

They've gone on to do it for a few years in a row.

Yeah.

And then essentially, she's.

They've gone to do it again this year, and then they.

They haven't paid her.

So this is where she's taken umbrage with it.

And she's gone, well, hang on a minute.

Why are you now not paying me to use my.

So in 2020, she came up with the phrase 2023.

She was approached by Sweaty Bitty Marketing, who said they were planning a campaign with similar messaging as you'll wear the damn shorts post a few years ago.

Yeah.

She said that they paid her three and a half grand to promote it and use it.

Sweaty Betty contacted her again the following year, which is 2024, before its new campaign contacted her again.

And then she says, the third year, which will be this year.

They just admitted me, didn't know it was happening.

I was hurt.

They didn't reach out to me.

They're meant to care about women, support them.

She sent them a legal letter that.

And basically.

So she sent them a cease to this letter.

And then.

And then it's all gone quiet now, I think, to your point, Luke, because first of all, I was thinking, oh, come on, you know, how can anyone kind of, you know, take ownership over these things?

But I feel that actually, and I don't know, this is just my opinion, but if Sweaty Betty.

If that was the case, why would Sweaty Betty have made an active point of saying, initially, we love your slogan.

May we use it?

Yes, you may.

Well get.

Give you some money.

Lovely.

Next year.

We love your slogan again, please can we pay to use it?

Yes, you can.

And then the next you just go, it.

We're just going to use it anyway.

So for me, I feel that the company has almost admitted that it wasn't their slogan, because why would you have paid her in the first place if you felt, do you know what we all say?

Eat the damn cake, wear the damn shorts.

You'd go, it.

It's not yours.

I'm just going to use it.

So I think that for Me is where this feels a bit acknowledged.

Exactly.

So I think, for me, that is the rub here of did they acknowledge.

Initially it was hers or she is a fitness influencer and they are sweaty better.

And did they want to just affiliate?

So did they just want to affiliate with her?

And, you know, so she says, oh, they asked me to use.

It could have just been like, we're acknowledging.

You're doing this body positivity with this message.

We're aligned with that, too.

Can we collaborate together?

I think there's a difference of a collaboration together.

Yeah.

Versus ownership.

That them saying you coined this phrase.

We now want to use it.

Please.

I think there's a difference.

And it might be that two years in a row, she fitted with their marketing, and on the third year, she didn't, and they wanted to go in a different direction.

She's a bit dramatic.

She's saying she can't sleep, her hair's falling out.

I don't buy all that, to be honest.

Anyway.

I've offered her four grand as a final settlement.

But I would say, though, I mean, I. I'm with you.

It does sound quite dramatic.

But then what I would say is if you have.

Have really, you know, because I was watching her tick tocks as well on it.

And.

And this really did catapult a lot of her brand, you know, forwards when she had this.

Yeah.

So when you are so emotionally invested in your own growth, your own business.

And I do get it, and you and I will know if you were.

She should have copyrighted that phrase.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I get she's just.

Oh, this little single influencer.

But everybody started off somewhere as a single person.

Jeff Bezos started Amazon in his garage.

So anyone with any business nuance, not even that regular people on the street, know that copyright exists and trademark exists.

We've done it with Luana.

So, you know, it's a bit like if she was so protective of that phrase when she coined it and it went viral in 2020, she should have trademarked that.

She should have copyrighted it to her.

Then she wouldn't have had all these problems.

Yeah.

And I just think that.

And, you know, Sweaty Betty said it absolutely right.

Well, none of us has exclusive legal rights to this phrase.

We've always aimed to respect Mrs. Cox's association with it, which is basically them nodding that she was a fitness influencer.

She was using this.

That.

That.

That aligns with.

Really.

Really what?

This is what I meant to do.

Have her on the way for 10 years.

Well, I was gonna say what, 15 years, what this has come down to off Georgina.

But what does it come down to?

Has, has been.

It's been in good faith all the way along.

It's been in good faith and, and.

And she's taken it and now it's, oh, I own it.

Well, and that.

But to your point, if this was more than just in good faith, that should have had a more concrete street outline with it and saying we need some more formal, you know, ring fence.

I mean, you and I will know, as you say, there's a lot we've, we've copyrighted and locked down a lot of Luana stuff because when we first started, people were starting to nick our name and use our name and it is basically our actual names, Louisa and Anna in our title.

So, so obviously we don't want people using our names because we don't want to be aligned with some things that we might not agree with, you know, so that's protecting our business.

But equally, there's a lot that we do do that.

I mean, no one's reinventing the wheel here.

There's a lot we do on our instas, a lot we do in our content.

Content which you'll see many other people doing, because everybody crosses over.

Everybody is kind of.

It's even what I do in my, you know, with all of my, you know, life coaching, so.

Life coaching stuff, you know, the same.

They just present it differently.

Exactly.

But, you know.

But you're right, Mel Robbins, Tony Robbins, you know, all of these big thought leaders, they all come from fundamental principles of nlp, of psychology, of psychotherapy.

Everyone just packages it differently and has their new take on it.

So I think, I think, I feel for the girl, but I think they should have had this a lot more formally outlined.

Well, the problem is going to be.

An issue, I imagine they can't formally outline it because if they could have got that phrase copyrighted trademark, you can bet your bottom dollar, Sweaty Betty would have done it.

And they haven't been able to do it either.

And exactly that when they say, well, none of us has exclusive legal rights to this phrase because it's a term of words that you cannot.

I can bet.

I don't know.

I haven't looked into this.

It's.

They will not be able to copyright or trademar words together because it's too.

Commonly, too commonly used.

So, you know, Georgina needs to get over it now.

Right?

We've talked for a while, so let's move on to.

It's the widow of the week.

Right.

First up Anonymous.

So we'll fill you up.

We'll fill up.

Highly.

Love the pod.

I'm nominating my partner for weird of the week after catching him doing something weird.

He wipes his butt after taking a shy.

Right.

Puts the shitty tissue.

Oh, mate, this is Ming.

Only a man would do this, I'm assuming.

Yeah.

Puts us to his nostrils and smells the on the tissue before putting it down the toilet and flushing it.

Why?

Why?

I think we're all asking that question.

Hope it makes the pot of weirdo.

That is right.

It's disgusting.

That Lottie.

Who's next?

Cannot be weirder than that.

I mean, that's disgusting.

Says hi lo Animo.

I only started to listen to the pot a few months ago.

Currently working my way through the back catalog whilst listening to the weekly Monday and Thursday episodes.

Safe to say I'm loving it, but wanted to write in with an is it weird?

So I get quite a few thick black hairs that grow around my nipples and I like to save them up until maybe There are about 10 and I pluck them all out, line them up on a piece of paper to see what one is the winner for being the longest.

I'd quite enjoy this.

It's my own secret game and I love it.

It.

Sometimes I'll find.

Sometimes I'll find ad.

Well, sometimes I'll find an add in.

Oh, sometimes I find an add in from some of the long hairs from my snail trail below my belly button.

They sometimes win as they grow fast.

Am I the only one who does this?

Yeah.

Coming to the big party in London next year.

I don't do this.

I don't.

I'm.

I'm very fair.

I'm very blonde and don't have a lot of.

You don't get hairy nipples?

The old hairy nipples.

Well, I wonder if it's because when I had a uplift, you know, they take your nipple off, don't they?

And then they lift your boobs and then they put your nipple back on.

And I'm wondering if I don't have hairy nipples because of that.

But if you did, could you relate?

You don't get hairy nipples.

Do you know what?

I. I can't relate to the hair, but I do like to squeeze a little bit of colostrum out of my right tit, which I can still do.

Still got it, babies.

I used to be able to do that.

Still got it, right?

You're weird.

That is really gross, right?

It's really gross, Lou.

It is that time of the week.

When have you got A rant for us.

Well, I've got a short run and I sent this in to you both actually.

Go on about rubbernecking.

All right, lovely.

So basically I was on my way to the dentist last week and put it in my second satnav.

I'm all ready to go.

Well, I was 20 minutes late for the dentist.

And do you know why?

There was an accident.

Not on my side of the road, on the other side of the road.

And all the sick bastard sadist racism people are slowing down to look at what's gone on.

It just fucks me off.

Why rubberneck?

Like our side didn't need to slow down yet.

Everyone's snowing down.

There was an accident.

Here, Ian, let's have a look.

Having a good old look.

Oh, have they got him?

Really pissed me right off.

Made you late.

Made me late.

Rubber necking equals late equals.

Don't do it.

Just don't rubber.

Just carry on in your journey.

Stay in your lane, drive forwards and no one's ever gonna crash anywhere.

Rant.

Love that, particularly this time of year.

That people crash on motorways.

I just feel like you're in a straight lane.

Just stop crashing straight.

Look for a gap if you want to overtake or move over and move the over.

Like I don't understand when you're driving in a straight line how you crash.

Unless it's someone that is like weaves in and then like cuts someone up and then a crash happens like that.

I'm assuming that's how a crash happens.

But.

But it's just annoying.

Okay, yeah, just get off.

We all see the, the sign of doom when the X goes up and.

We'Re like, ah, no, but rubbernecking, there's no excuse.

There's not, there's not.

Good rant, Lou.

That is it, peeps.

Don't worry.

Of course you're back every single Monday.

You don't have to wait until then though.

On Thursday we are back with Luana.

Totally extra.

It's your episode.

Send your emails into luanaverthingloana.com you can jump onto WhatsApp and send a voice note in.

You can send that to.

Oh, 7452 double six nine four seven.

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You are welcome.

Happy Christmas.

Gas methane poisoning.