Welcome to the Mindful Dog Parent, the podcast for overwhelmed and anxious dog owners who are doing their best but still feel like they're getting it all wrong.

I'm Sian, a trauma informed coach and ethical dog trainer.

I created this podcast because dog parenting isn't always cute reels and perfect walks.

Sometimes it's tears after training, guilt in the quiet moments, or just feeling like

you're the only one struggling.

If you've ever said, I love my dog, but this is really hard, you're in the right place.

Each week I'll bring you calm, compassionate guidance to help you build confidence, regulate your emotions, and reconnect with your dog.

Even when things feel messy because you're not failing, you're just overwhelmed.

And you don't have to figure this out on your own.

There's a particular kind of moment that sticks with you.

So you're on a walk.

Your dog might react or lunge or pull or bark or freeze or ignore your recall cue, whatever it is.

And you feel all eyes on you, not just looking, but judging.

Or at least that is how it feels.

And in that split second, something inside your body is shifting.

So you might feel your chest tighten, you might feel your breathing start to shallow, you might feel your face get flushed.

That's what's happened.

That's what happens to me when I feel embarrassed.

Your thoughts start to speed up because you're feeling stressed.

And underneath all of those things that happen to happening to your body, your thoughts are gonna go to this sentence that it always comes back to.

I'm not good enough.

I used to feel that a lot with my dog when Bonnie, when she reacted, whenever she had a reaction, that is how I felt.

I didn't feel good enough.

So I've talked about this in previous episodes before.

I used to feel it all the time.

So I'd see someone watching when she reacted, or I imagined they were watching, and my body would immediately get really tense.

So I'd start to grip her lead tighter.

Like I said, my breathing would change, my shoulders would rise up because I was anxious.

And it just felt like I was being assessed in public by everybody.

And that feeling, that sense of judgment started to change how I showed up.

And it wasn't because I wanted it to, but it was because my nervous system was reacting to that situation.

So when we feel judged, our brain doesn't treat it like a really small social discomfort.

It's often treated as a threat.

So it's not necessarily just our brain either.

It's our bodies that predominantly responds like that our bodies and our nervous systems treats it as a threat, and our brain receives that information and does with it what it feels it needs to.

So in social neuroscience, there is research that confirms and shows that social rejection, social evaluation activate similar brain regions to actual physical pain.

So when we are in physical pain, it lights up the same bit of our brain as when we feel rejected by a social group.

And when we are feeling like we're being assessed or evaluated in a social setting, just imagine that we are feeling in physical like the same as as we are when we're in physical pain in those situations, the brain is processing that exclusion and that criticism as danger.

So that's how it analyzes that physiological body response.

From an evolutionary perspective.

When we think back from when our nervous systems were very new, being rejected from the group used to mean a risk to our survival.

And I've talked about this before, and you hear it a lot of the times, like our nervous systems hasn't, haven't evolved with the times in the same way as our brains.

So, you know, a risk to survival is, you know, an animal is going to come and, you know, do something that means we aren't going to survive if we're on our own in this group.

So, you know, over time, that's obviously not the case now.

But our nervous system doesn't recognize that and it's going to re.

It's going to respond in the same way with that threat.

So when you are feeling judged on a walk, your body's responding as if something isn't.

Like something really important's at stake.

So the heart rate's going up, your muscle tension rises, your breathing is going to shift higher in your chest and your attention is going to narrow down.

And your dog is definitely going to feel that, especially if you're lead, your hand on the lead is getting really tense.

They're definitely going to feel that dogs are really tuned in to micro changes in our posture, in our tension, in our scent, movement, tone of voice, all those things.

They're going to be really, really tuned into us with all of that.

And there are actually studies that show dogs stress markers do rise when their people are stressed as well.

So there is an element there of recognition.

When our bodies are in those states, our dogs feel it as well.

And this isn't gonna be.

So I do just want to go off on a little caveat here.

This isn't about blame.

This isn't about saying you have to not feel stressed in these situations.

That's impossible.

Stress exists and we need to understand what it looks like for us and, and how we are responding because of that stress.

Definitely.

But we can't change the fact that we feel stressed and frustrated and angry and all of those negatively.

Like all those emotions are negatively judged.

They, you know, they come across as, we can't feel those things.

We need to feel those things.

Our bodies have to feel those things and we have to get that out in some way because it gets stuck in our bodies if we don't.

And if it gets stuck in our bodies, the anger and the frustration and the resentment and all those negative emotions, if we don't, if we don't recognize that we feel them and sit with those feelings, it's totally not going to be a health.

It's avoidance, it's not healthy, and we end up in a worse situation than we were before.

So this isn't about complete removal of the emotion.

Definitely not, because that's impossible.

It's about recognizing and knowing that we feel those things.

So our dogs are still going to respond through knowing that we feel this way?

Absolutely.

Like, oh, yeah, I'm sensing that there is some stress in, in the system, but it's what happens afterwards.

So they don't need words for them to feel all those things.

They don't need the words to recognize the stress.

They read that physiology.

So when that shame starts to hit you, your body, body is going to subtly shift, so your dog is going to sense the pressure.

The pressure then increases arousal, that arousal increases their reactivity.

So that is what's happening.

So when they recognize that pressure, that's what's increasing their arousal levels, which then leads to that reactivity in the reactive dog scenario.

And suddenly that behavior starts to escalate.

So that's then for you going to lead to more shame.

It's going to reinforce the shame and it becomes a loop.

So it starts to become like all this has come back from starting with a look.

So that judgment leads to the tension, leads to the behavior, leads to more shame, that leads to more tension, and then we start the loop again.

And all of that, literally, it was just a look from somebody.

That's the hardest part about all of that, is that shame is really quiet.

So you're not going to think in a general situation, I'm experiencing a social threat response right now.

You are going to be thinking, I should be better at this.

Other people manage.

Why can't I?

I'm failing.

It's clearly my fault.

Shame narrows down that perspective.

It makes everything feel like evidence of not Being good enough and failing.

But shame's not a useful training tool.

It doesn't create calm.

It creates all of the opposites to calm.

And it shows up in the body.

So like I say, we want to recognize that we feel these things and have that awareness of what's happening in our bodies and sit with those feel.

But we need to be able to do something.

So what helped me was pretending I didn't wasn't pretending I didn't care.

So I didn't pretend I didn't care anymore.

It was recognizing the moment my body started to shift.

So that was when I started to change things.

So I started to notice when my shoulders lifted, when the grip on my lead tightened, when my thoughts became more defensive and.

And instead of arguing with myself in that situation, I would pause.

And it's not about being dramatic, but it was just about like making it enough to feel my feet on the ground.

It was enough to soften my jaw because I'm a jaw clencher.

It's something that I have done since I was little.

So that was something very personal for me.

It was enough to lengthen the breath that I was taking.

And that small shift changed the energy that I was bringing to the leash.

As a result, when my energy started to steady, Bonnie's often did as well.

So it wasn't about being perfect.

It wasn't an instant thing.

It wasn't an overnight switch.

Like one day it was like this, and the next it's like that because there's more nuance and complexity to it.

But it was noticeable.

So there is something really important to take away here about co regulation.

Dogs don't just respond to training cues.

They respond to nervous systems.

So this is what I talk about with clients when I talk about things that I want my clients to work on through our one to one sessions specifically.

And when I run my group puppy programs, I have to make a point of saying, rather than think about this from an obedience perspective, think about this from a I'm helping my dog to relax perspective.

We need to help our dog's relaxation and arousal levels in these situations.

And it starts to shift things more for people in their brain.

Like to reframe it because your.

Your dog may well be really obedient and you know, they might do a sit stay or a down stay, but they're absolutely wired and they're just ready to go and there's still massive high arousal there.

So you've asked your dog to do a down stay, but as soon as they get back up, they're leaping up off the ground or leaping back up again from the sit stay.

So, like, how has that helped?

You've managed to get your dog to do a sit stay or a down stay.

Great.

But actually, we're looking deeper at it, and their emotional response is still really heightened.

So I say, rather than thinking about this from an obedience perspective, let's think about this as a relaxation exercise.

Let's think about this as what do you do before you rest scenario.

So I like to read before I go to sleep.

Same kind of thing.

How do we help our dogs genuinely start to relax?

So they don't just respond to training cues.

They respond to our nervous systems.

When your body settles, even if it's very slightly, it's sending them information, and it's sending them information of safety.

And that safety starts to expand that capacity that I talked about in our last episode.

And shame starts to make capacity smaller in everybody.

So it doesn't mean you have to eliminate shame completely.

That isn't something that's possible.

It just means that you can interrupt it.

Even that one regulated breath is going to change that loop that you are stuck in.

So another thing I had to learn was that people watching weren't analyzing me as deeply as I imagined they were.

Our brain fill gaps in.

So when we're already feeling vulnerable, we are going to project judgment more intensely.

So there's.

There's something in cognitive bias called the spotlight effect.

It's actually a really interesting concept.

So it describes how humans tend to overestimate how much other people notice and evaluate them.

You feel exposed, but most people are thinking about themselves in the nicest way possible.

You aren't the most important thing happening to that person in that moment.

They might glance over and see what's happening.

If your dog's reacting, for example, not listening to your recall cue at the park, but they're not going to think any more of it because they've got their own lives.

Like, there are so many things happening to them in these situations.

So it's a fleeting moment for them.

But because the spotlight feels like it's on you, that's why it's called the spotlight effect.

It feels like all eyes on you.

You feel really exposed.

But genuinely, most people are just thinking about the smell at themselves.

Knowing that just doesn't remove the feeling, though.

So, yes, recognizing people are thinking about themselves more than anything else.

But it's not going to take the shame away because you still feel the embarrassment and all those feelings.

But it does soften it a little.

Bit because it takes away the pressure.

And the pressure is what's building up for you to potentially think, well, I've got to do something about this because it's really embarrassing.

If you recognize that the experience that I'm talking about now, I want you to try something really small on your next walk when you notice that hot flush of embarrassment, whatever your body does.

So recognizing what your body does, ask, what is my body doing right now?

When you start to feel like you're embarrassed because your dog's not doing the thing or they've reacted or whatever it is, what is my body doing right now?

Not what your dog's doing.

Not what another person might be thinking.

Your body.

We're focusing in on you here just for this scenario because we can then do our.

Do something then to help our dogs.

Like, I'll tell you a little story in a minute that kind of helps bring it into perspective.

So I want you to then just adjust one thing.

Once you recognize what's happening, can you adjust your grip on the lead?

Not so that it's dangerous.

If you're next to a road and your dog's reacting, you don't want them to lunge into the road.

It's not about making things unsafe.

It's just not as much tension there.

Can you lower those shoulders?

Can you change your breath by doing some grounding, breathing exercises, box breathing, that kind of thing.

Can you change your pace?

Have you actually started to get more hurried and quick because you really just desperately want to get home?

Yes, go home.

But just pause and slow down with your dog once that reactions happen to help you both recover.

So you're not fixing behavior in that moment.

You are regulating the system that your body is kind of what your body is doing.

And you are then helping your dog with their behavior after that moment.

And that's what's really powerful here.

So you are regulating your body.

That behavior is kind of reliant on that.

So that's what we want to try.

And like, that's that cycle that we're trying to change.

You're allowed to take up space on a pavement.

You're allowed to have a dog who is still learning.

You're allowed not to perform perfection for strangers because putting it bluntly, who cares what a stranger thinks?

We put too much.

And I've been somebody who's done this a lot.

I've put too much focus in on what somebody else thinks.

That does have.

No.

They have no impact on my life at all.

There's no relevance to my life Because I don't know that person.

But I've put so much focus in on what they think that it can really have a negative effect on your mental health because it becomes something where you're people pleasing.

That's what that basically boils down to.

You're performing perfection for a stranger because you want to people please.

You want to seem like you are doing something right and they're going to tick a box and go, I like them now.

That's.

Yeah, we definitely don't want to do that.

We're not performing perfection for strangers.

Being watched does not mean being evaluated accurately.

They may well be judging you, but it doesn't mean it's an accurate judgment.

They are seeing one moment, one fleeting few seconds in the bigger picture of your life that all those other moments they haven't seen, don't know and ultimately don't really care.

They don't really care about all those things that are happening and that fleeting moment.

You care, but they don't.

And being imperfect does not mean being incapable because we are not perfect.

Nothing is perfect, even though society tells us we have to be perfect and everything has to be perfect.

And perfection is a word that you just hear like thrown out so often, doesn't exist.

It's not real.

So it's.

It therefore doesn't mean you're incapable.

And the karma you are going to start to help yourself to feel in those moments, the steadier everything becomes with the caveat of knowing that we can still feel those feelings.

We can still feel shame, we can still feel guilt, we can still feel embarrassment, whatever those feelings are.

But we can start to help ourselves to feel calmer in those situations rather than spiraling.

And that steadiness does grow over time because I have felt it myself.

So the story that I'm going to quickly mention is I've told it before.

I've.

You know, if you're on my email list, I have sent an email with this story before.

I think I've talked about it on a previous podcast.

Podcast episode as well.

I can't remember which episode it would be, but I've definitely talked about it because I'm.

I'm open and honest.

I'm not a perfect trainer.

I'm not a perfect person because perfection doesn't exist.

Things happen sometimes.

And my dog, one time about three years ago, he's never done it before and he never did, never, never's done it since.

One time followed me outside.

He's like a ninja dog.

He just appears and you don't know, he's like a silent, like, just appears silently.

And you're like, where did you come from?

And one day he followed me outside.

I was going to the bin and I didn't know he was there with me.

I was out there for 20 seconds, something like that.

And I went back in and I had no idea he'd followed me out.

And I went back in the house.

And normally he hangs around anywhere that we are.

He might be like, lying on.

On his bed in the same room as us.

We go into, like, do something else for a long enough time, and he'll kind of go.

A few minutes later, he'll kind of come in and go, oh, what are you doing, guys?

You know, is it anything interesting?

And then he'll just chill out wherever we are again, so we'll just go lie down somewhere.

And he wasn't in the room that I was in.

You know, after about 20 seconds or so, maybe a bit longer, I had realized he wasn't in the room that I was in.

And I was like, oh, where's Ollie?

Because Bonnie, our other dog, was laid down in a bed somewhere.

She doesn't care where he is.

She's just like, yeah, I'm just chilling out.

And I was like, where's Ollie?

So I called him and he didn't respond.

I went to have a mooch about the house and I was like, he's not around.

We didn't live in a big house.

We were in our old house.

And the street, we were on the cul de sac, and the street, main road at the end of our cul de sac that we led back onto was a really, really busy main road into our village.

And it went from 50, 50 to 40 miles per hour.

But everybody as.

As you would expect, you know, everybody was just doing 50 or more, even in the 40.

So it was a really fast road down at the end of our street.

And you can see where I'm going with this.

Realized he wasn't around, he wasn't in the house, he wasn't in the garden where I'd just been to the bin and I thought, oh, my God, he's.

He's disappeared.

Where has he gone?

I looked down the driveway and he wasn't there.

And I looked out onto the street at the back of our house and he wasn't there.

And I was calling him the whole time and there was no response.

So I went down to the front of our house, looked down the road, and lo and behold, he was just having a very nice time.

Pottering about having a sniff.

He wasn't running, he wasn't sprinting, he wasn't in a hurry to get away or anything like that.

He was just down the road, closer to the main road than he was to me.

In this situation.

I felt all those things that I've mentioned already.

My shoulders rose, my breathing changed, I got really tense, I panicked.

My brain went into panic mode.

My body was in panic mode.

And in that situation, for most people, you would be feeling the same way.

Like, you would feel that panic because you're thinking, what if.

What if he goes to the main road?

What if he gets hurt?

What if he disappears and we lose him?

All that stuff was going through my head.

And I was a dog trainer at the time as well.

So, you know, my head was full filled already with training stuff that I'd picked up, that I'd learned in my qualifications that I've passed on to clients that I've worked on with my own dogs.

I had all that in my head.

And because I'd been working through all of, like, recognizing how I feel and all that stuff, talking therapy and nervous system work hadn't necessarily started at that point.

I was aware of it, but not like regularly practicing this stuff.

At this point, I didn't know what was going to happen, but I was able in.

I remember, like, vividly, like it was yesterday that I did.

Even though I was panicking, I was able to interrupt the panic and kick into my logical brain and say, what do I need to do to help myself in this situation in order to help my dog?

And I didn't do the regulating breath because I didn't know that I needed to really do that stuff yet.

I wasn't doing this stuff actively, like I say.

So I did.

My trainer brain kicked in.

I did my stuff that I recommend clients do, and he stopped and turned round.

And like I say, he was further away from me than he was from the main road.

And I thought, right, I've got him.

I've got his attention.

I had no food, I had no toys, I had nothing on me that would make it so that he was, like, really wanting to come back to me.

But I was down at his level.

My hands were open and wide and really kind of welcoming.

My tone was very welcoming with him.

I made sure not to let that panic show in frustration.

So I didn't shout him in an angry tone telling him to come back here running after him, because that can sometimes make dogs either freak out and say, oh, my God, what's happening?

I Need to.

I need to run as well and, and run off or it.

They think it's a fun game and they think, oh, great, I'm.

It's a game of chase.

This is good.

And they get further away from you in that as well.

So got his attention, got him to come back to me all good.

Long story short, he came back.

It went from him, like walking back to me to running back to me.

Amazing.

But I started to feel the shame and the embarrassment because, you know, he'd.

He'd walked past my neighbor's houses, like all the way down to the other end of the road.

No one was out.

There was nobody around at the time to see.

But they may well have.

Like, in my head I was like, somebody's going to have seen this.

How embarrassing is it?

All these things like going through my head and how I was feeling.

But in that moment, I was able to interrupt what was happening.

And this is what I'm talking about.

So if you feel like you're being judged and you feel like all eyes are on you and you start to feel that shame spiral, you can interrupt it.

Like, I was able to.

To be able to help myself, both interrupting the spiral, getting logic to kind of kick in to help my dog, because I had the strategies then to know that this is what I'm gonna do next and that's what I want you to take away from it.

So if that conversations felt really close to home, you might find it helpful to download one of my free reset guides.

I'll put the link in the show notes.

So, strategies for overwhelmed dog parents.

There's some really simple steps that you can start to take so that you can start to feel these things in the same way.

So, yes, feel the shame, feel all the things.

It's not about removing those emotions because they're never going to go away, but it's about preventing their escalation.

The spiraling and the unhelpful, unhealthy things that happen as a result of having not known how to sit with the emotion.

Those strategies are a starting point.

I'm always here if you want to work with me.

You know, I've lived the experience as just a dog mum, and I've lived the experience as a dog mum and trainer for myself and supporting clients through it as well.

So I think, like having a lived experience and looking at it from a different angle that you would normally look at it from, which is like the obedience angle really helps clients to start to make those steps positive steps forward.

Because I'm here to help you as well as your dog to succeed.

So it walked like these steps walk you through small ways that you can start to help yourselves to regulate so that you can then help your dog and what you can do next if you if you kind of need to take it any further.

So there's nothing complicated in there, there's just practical support for those real life moments that I've lived through and my clients live through as well.

So thanks for joining me and I hope you found this useful and I shall see you next time on the Mindful Dog Parent.

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