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[Music] hello listeners welcome back to 
social skills coaching where you learn  

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to be more likable more charismatic and more 
productive today is Tuesday January 17 2023.  

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if you've been biding your time since the 
beginning of the year today is The Unofficial  

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ditch New Year's resolution day congratulations

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in today's book how to extract info secrets 
and truth from Patrick King and in many other  

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episodes we've talked about the specifics of body 
language which way the feet are pointing are the  

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arms open or closed what about eye contact and 
so on but it's important to remember that these  

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individual signals in body language can't be taken 
individually at face value as it were let's listen  

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further on how to get the whole picture foreign
It’s worth remembering right off the bat that  

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detecting deception is not as straightforward as 
some would have you believe and, as we’ve seen,  

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not as simple as spotting a tell-tale 
sign that proves a lie once and for all.

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Laypeople and professionals alike are 
notoriously bad at reading body language,  

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despite the wealth of information 
we now have on the topic.

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But the knack really comes in deciding what to do 
with certain observations once you’ve made them.

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Does a person’s folded arms mean they’re lying,  

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unhappy about something, fearful 
... or just feeling cold?

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The trick comes in using not just one or two but a  

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whole host of clues and tells to form a 
more comprehensive picture of behavior.

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The reason why it’s so difficult to 
“spot a lie” with perfect accuracy is  

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that the gestures and expressions associated with  

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deception are often not different from 
those signifying stress or discomfort.

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So given all this, is it worth 
learning to read body language?

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Absolutely.

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Adding this extra dimension to your interactions 
with others will only enrich your relationships  

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and give you extra insight into your 
interpersonal conflicts and tensions.

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Knowing what’s going on with another person 
allows you to be a better communicator and  

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speak to what people are actually feeling 
rather than what they’re merely saying.

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Body language signals are always there.

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Every person is communicating 
nonverbally, at every moment of the day.

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And it is possible to not only observe this  

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information in real-time but learn to 
properly synthesize and interpret it.

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You don’t need to be an expert, 
and you don’t need to be perfect.

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You just need to pay attention 
and be curious about your fellow  

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human beings in a way you might not have before.

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As you’re developing your 
body language reading skills,  

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it may help to keep a few key principles in mind:

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Establish normal behavior.

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One or two gestures in a 
conversation don’t mean much.

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They could be accidental or purely physiological.

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But the more you know how someone 
“normally” behaves, the more you  

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can assume that any behavior outside of 
this is worth looking more closely at.

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If someone always squints their 
eyes, pouts, jiggles their feet,  

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or clears their throat, you can more 
or less discount these gestures.

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Look for unusual or incongruent behavior.

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Reading people is about 
reading patterns of behavior.

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Pay special attention to clues 
that are unusual for that person.

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Suddenly fiddling with the hair and avoiding eye 
contact could tell you something is going on,  

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especially if this person never does 
either of these things normally.

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You may with time come to recognize 
“tells” in people closest to you—they  

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may always wrinkle their nose when being dishonest  

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or clear their throat excessively when 
they’re afraid and pretending not to be.

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Importantly, pay close attention to those 
gestures and movements that seem incongruous.

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Discrepancies between verbal and 
nonverbal communication can tell  

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you more than merely observing 
nonverbal communication alone.

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It’s about context.

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An obvious example is someone wringing 
their hands, rubbing their temples,  

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and sighing loudly but who claims, “I’m fine.

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Nothing’s wrong."

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It’s not the gestures that tell you 
this person is concealing distress,  

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but the fact that they’re 
incongruent with the words spoken.

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Gather plenty of data.

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As we’ve seen, certain constricting behaviors 
could merely be because one is cold, tired,  

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or even ill, and expansive gestures 
may not be about confidence so much  

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as feeling physically warm 
and wanting to cool off.

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This is why it’s important to 
never interpret a gesture alone.

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Always consider clusters of clues.

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If you see something, note it but don’t 
come to any conclusions immediately.

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Look to see if they do it again.

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Look for other gestures that may reinforce what  

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you’ve seen or else give evidence 
for the opposite interpretation.

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Check to see if the behavior repeats itself 
with other people or in other contexts.

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Take your time to really analyze 
the whole of what’s in front of you.

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Look for mirroring.

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An important thing to remember is that certain 
gestures may mean one thing in one context or  

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when shown to one person but have a different 
meaning in another context or with someone else.

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In other words, certain gestures could literally 
only apply to you as you speak to this person.

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If you’re not very familiar with someone, 
a quick body language–reading shortcut is  

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to merely notice whether they are or are not 
mirroring your gestures, whatever they are.

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Mirroring is a fundamental human instinct; we tend 
to match and mimic the behavior and expressions of  

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those we like or agree with, while we don’t if 
we dislike a person or perceive them negatively.

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If you’re in a meeting with a new client, 
you may notice that no matter how friendly  

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your voice or how often you smile 
and make open-handed, warm gestures,  

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they respond with coldness and closed gestures, 
failing to mirror back to you your optimism.

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Here, the gestures themselves are irrelevant; 
it’s the fact that they are not shared which  

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shows you that the person you’re dealing 
with is unreceptive, hostile, or threatened.

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Pay attention to energy.

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This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  

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in a group, simply take note of where intention, 
effort, and focus are being concentrated.

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Watch where energy flows.

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Sometimes, the “leader” of a group is only 
so in name; the real power may lie elsewhere.

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One only needs to look at how 
much focus and attention flows  

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toward a baby in the room to see this 
in action—the baby says and does very  

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little yet nevertheless commands 
the attention of everyone there.

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Similarly, a family may have the father 
as the official “leader,” and he may  

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gesture and talk loudly to cement this perception.

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But pay attention and you may see that it’s 
his wife who is constantly deferred to,  

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and every member of the family may 
show with their body language that  

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it is in fact their mother’s needs that take 
precedence, despite what’s claimed verbally.

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The most powerful voice in a room 
is not necessarily the loudest.

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A lot can be understood about the power dynamics 
in a group by watching to see where energy flows.

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Who speaks the most?

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Who are people always speaking to, and how?

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Who always seems to take “center stage”?

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Remember that body language is dynamic.

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When we speak, the content 
of our language isn’t just  

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about the words and the grammar 
we use to string them together.

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It’s about how we talk.

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Do we say a lot or a little?

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What tone of voice?

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Are sentences long and 
complicated or short and terse?

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Is everything phrased tentatively, like 
a question, or is it stated confidently,  

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as though it’s a known fact?

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What’s the speed of delivery?

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How loud?

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Is it clear or mumbling?

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In the same way that verbal information 
can vary in the way it’s communicated,  

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nonverbal information can vary too.

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Gestures are not static, fixed things but 
living expressions that move in time and space.

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Watch the flow of information in real-time.

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Watch how expressions change and move in 
response to the environment and those in it.

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Don’t be curious about 
“catching” a discreet gesture,  

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but rather watch the flow 
of gestures as they change.

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For example, look at how a person walks.

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Walking is like a body posture but set in motion.

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Shuffling, slow gaits suggest 
lack of confidence, while springy,  

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quick ones suggest optimism and excitement.

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Become interested in how a person 
responds to others in conversation  

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or their style of talking to 
those in positions of power.

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Once you start looking, you’ll be amazed at  

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the wealth of information that’s 
just waiting there to be noticed.

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Context is everything.

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Finally, it bears repeating: 
no gesture occurs in a vacuum.

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Nonverbal communication needs 
to be considered in relation  

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to everything else—just like verbal communication.

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Establish patterns and learn about 
a person’s behavior over time,  

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in different contexts, and 
toward different people.

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Consider the situation and environment—sweating 
and stuttering during your wedding vows or  

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a big interview is understandable; 
doing so when asked to explain what  

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you’re doing snooping through someone’s 
drawers is a little more suspicious.

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Remember that everyone has their own 
unique, idiosyncratic personality.

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Factor into your analysis the fact that 
people are either introverted or extroverted,  

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may favor emotions or intellect, 
may have high or low tolerance  

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for risk and adversity, may thrive in 
stressful situations or wither in them,  

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and may be spontaneous and casual 
or goal-directed and rather serious.

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Our instinctual, evolutionarily programmed 
impulses can’t be hidden or resisted,  

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but they can take on slightly different 
forms depending on our unique personalities.

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Admittedly, reading facial expressions and body  

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language is a skill that takes 
time and patience to master.

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There are no quick and easy tricks to 
understanding people’s deeper motivations.

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However, remember the above principles and 
focus on honing your powers of observation,  

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and you’ll soon develop a knack for 
seeing and understanding even tiny  

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ripples and flutters of behavior 
you might have previously missed.

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We live in a world dominated 
by words and language.

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But when you become a student of nonverbal 
communication, it’s no exaggeration to say  

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that you open yourself up to an entirely 
different, sometimes quite strange world.

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The Human Body is a Whole—Read It that Way

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Everyone has heard an offhand 
statistic which sounds a little  

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something like, “Ninety percent of your 
communication is really nonverbal."

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We imagine that communication is 
primarily a question of language,  

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symbols, noises and sounds, and images on a page,  

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whereas the person creating the language is 
a separate physical entity occupying space.

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But in reality, the boundary 
between verbal and non-verbal,  

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medium and message, is always a little blurred.

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In the previous sections, we’ve 
explicitly considered how a person  

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can be “read” even beyond the content they 
are choosing to deliberately convey to you.

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In other words, you’re not just listening to the 
message they’re sending, but listening to them,  

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as though their body itself were 
something to read and interpret.

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In the discussion on detecting deceit or hidden 
true feelings, we made an assumption: that what  

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is inside a person will invariably manifest 
itself somehow on the outside of a person.

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This is because we instinctively 
understand that human beings are wholes,  

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i.e., the verbal and nonverbal are really 
just different aspects of the same thing.

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What really is the distinction between 
the words and the lips that say them?

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The body and the gesture that the body makes?

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This may seem a little abstract, but it turns out  

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there’s now interesting research to 
back up the idea that communication  

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as a whole can be understood as a 
complete expression of a human being.

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First of all, have you ever had a phone call  

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with someone where you could instantly 
tell whether they were smiling or not?

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Call center managers will tell their staff 
that people can “hear smiles” over the phone,  

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but how do you suppose this is actually possible?

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It makes sense when we consider that 
a voice is not an abstract symbol,  

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but a real, physiological part of the human body.

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Researcher at the Donders Institute of 
Radboud University Wim Pouw published  

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some interesting findings 
in the PNAS journal in 2020.

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He was interested in the topic we 
all seem to instinctively understand:  

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that hand gestures and facial expressions 
can help us better understand what is being  

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communicated—in fact at times a gesture can be 
fundamental to us understanding the message.

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In an experiment, Pouw asked six people 
to make a simple noise (like “aaaaa”)  

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but to pair it with different arm 
and hand gestures as they spoke.

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He then asked thirty other participants to 
listen to recordings of the sounds only.

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Surprisingly, the participants were 
able to guess what the accompanying  

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movements were and even mimic them for themselves.

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They could say what the movement was,  

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where it was performed and even 
how quickly the gesture was made!

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How?

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Pouw’s theory is that people are able to 
unconsciously detect subtle but important  

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shifts in voice pitch and volume, as well as 
speed changes, that accompany different gestures.

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When you make a gesture, your whole body 
gets involved, including your voice.

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In other words, when you hear a voice, you are 
hearing multiple aspects about that person’s body.

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When speaking, sound vibrates all through 
the connective tissues of your body,  

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but differences in muscle tension 
can arise if we are making gestures  

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with other parts of our body, and we can 
hear these tiny adjustments in the voice.

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The great thing about this particular skill is  

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that you don’t necessarily need to 
train it, just become aware of it.

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You probably never thought you could practice 
reading body language over the phone,  

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but you can—if you understand that the 
voice is simply a part of a person’s body!

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Voice alone is an incredibly 
rich aspect of behavior to study.

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When you hear someone from another room, on 
a recording or over the phone, close your  

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eyes and imagine what their body is doing, and 
what that posture or gesture might indicate.

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You can undoubtedly hear age and sex through 
voice, too, but you can also infer something  

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about a person’s ethnicity or nationality 
by listening to their accent or vocabulary.

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Listen to the speed, timbre, volume, 
pitch and degree of control used.

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How is the person breathing?

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How are their words and the way they’re 
saying those words reinforcing one another,  

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or perhaps undermining one another?

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For example someone on the phone might be 
telling you how excited they are about something,  

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but their slow and sluggish voice 
may suggest to you that they’re  

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slouching and folded in on themselves—and 
greatly overstating their excitement.
 
 

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Thinking in Terms of Message Clusters

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Let’s shift our attention away from individual  

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physical actions that may or not 
mean or suggest something else,  

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and instead consider human behavior in terms of 
the overall message it communicates to others.

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If we are feeling hostile and aggressive, 
for example, this attitude and intention will  

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show up in every area, from our language to our 
actions to our facial expressions to our voice.

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Rather than trying to imagine what every 
possible manifestation of aggression looks like,  

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we can focus on the aggression itself, and 
watch for resulting clusters of behavior.

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Aggression is understandably 
shown by confronting gestures,  

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or those that move actively and 
energetically towards a target.

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Invasive, approaching gestures 
that move in on another person can  

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signify an attempt to dominate, control or attack.

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Verbally, this could look like an insult or a 
jeer, physically it looks like standing too close,  

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or even displaying or exposing oneself 
as if to demonstrate superior strength.

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Aggression is all about sudden, 
impactful and targeted gestures.

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It’s as though the entire body is clenched 
around a single pointed intention.

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Assertive body language, on the other 
hand, is as forceful but not so directed.

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This is a person standing their ground, i.e.,  

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being firm, balanced, smooth and open in 
expression of a confidently held desire.

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The aggressive person may yell, whereas an 
assertive one may simply state their business  

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with a kind of muscular certainty 
that can be heard in the voice.

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Submissive body language is the 
complement—look for “lowering,”  

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self-protective gestures that make 
the person seems smaller, with small,  

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appeasing gestures like smiling 
excessively, being motionless,  

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speaking quietly, turning the eyes downward or 
assuming a vulnerable or non-threatening stance.

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This is different from being 
genuinely open and receptive.

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Relaxed, friendly people will signal 
looseness—open and uncrossed arms and legs,  

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unguarded facial expressions, easy speech,  

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or even loosening or removing outer 
layers of clothing to show informality.

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This is a little like romantic body language,  

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except someone who is sexually interested will 
also behave in ways that emphasize intimacy.

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The focus will be on sensuality (touching 
the other person or the self, preening,  

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stroking, slowing down, warm smiles) 
and connection (prolonged eye contact,  

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questions, agreement, mirroring).

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The overwhelming perception is that 
of an invitation to close distance.

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Deceptive body language is anything that 
is characterized by a sense of tension.

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Deceit is the existence of two 
conflicting things—for example  

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someone believes one thing but says another.

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Look for the tension that 
such a disparity creates.

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You want to look for anxiety, closed body 
language, and a sense of distractedness  

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(after all, they are processing extra 
data they don’t want to reveal to you!).

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Look for someone who appears to be trying hard 
to control themselves, with an anxious effect.

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By looking at intentions 
behind overall communication,  

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we can start to read the body as a whole.

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This makes it easier to gather multiple data 
points more quickly, and find patterns of  

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behavior rather than inferring too much 
from just a single gesture or expression.

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Consider the entire human body—the 
limbs, the face, the voice, the posture,  

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the torso, the clothing, the hair, 
the hands and fingers, everything.

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Can you see a cluster of 
closed off, defensive gestures?

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Is someone trying to display 
power, strength and dominance?

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Or are they just confident?

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Is the person in front of you trying 
to show that they are trustworthy,  

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or that they have a truly valuable thing 
to sell you (salesman’s body language) or  

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that they are greeting you 
with openness and respect?

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In very general terms, look for 
the following whole body patterns:

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•Crossing, closing in, or shutting off – 
could signal guardedness, suspicion, shyness

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•Expanding, opening, loosening – signals 
friendliness, comfort, trust, relaxation

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•Forward, pointed, directed – may speak 
to dominance, control, persuasiveness

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•Preening, touching, stroking 
– shows romantic intentions

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•Striking, abruptness, force, loudness – 
signal energy or violence, sometimes fear

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•Repeating, agreement, mirroring – shows 
respect, friendliness, admiration, submission

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00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:27,600
In an even broader sense, look at 
overall behavior and communication  

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as an expression of holding—holding on 
to, holding in, holding up, holding back,  

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failing to hold, holding tightly, etc.

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If you meet someone whose entire being seems to be 
an expression of force and control (holding onto),  

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you can take your interpretation of them from 
here, and better understand all the smaller  

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data points—the hand wringing, the tightened 
and pursed lips, the furrowed brow, the shallow  

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breathing that seems to strangle the voice, 
the high pitched tone, the rapid blinking ...

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Their body is sending you one clear, 
uniform message: one of tension.

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There’s something big going on that 
they’re trying hard to keep under wraps.

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Further context clues could tell you 
whether this is an uncomfortable admission,  

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a lie, or simply something they’re 
embarrassed about sharing with you.

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Wrapping up, how can we read and analyze 
people just through sight and observation?

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We have covered two primary aspects: 
facial expressions and body language.

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It’s important to note that though many 
aspects have been scientifically proven  

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(with physiological origins), we can’t say 
that simple observations are foolproof.

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It can never be definitive because there are 
too many external factors to take into account.

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But we can better understand what typical things 
to look for and what we can glean from them.

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We use two types of facial expressions: 
micro- and macroexpressions.

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Macroexpressions are larger, 
slower, and more obvious.

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They are also routinely faked 
and consciously created.

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Microexpressions are the opposite of 
all of those things: incredibly quick,  

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almost unperceivable, and unconscious.

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00:24:24,660 --> 00:24:28,860
Psychologist Paul Ekman identified a 
host of microexpressions for each of  

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the six basic emotions and in particular 
has also identified microexpressions to  

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indicate nervousness, lying, or deception.

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00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:43,080
Body language has a much broader 
range of possible interpretations.

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00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,860
Generally, a relaxed body takes up space,  

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while an anxious body contracts and 
wants to conceal and comfort itself.

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There are too many specifics to list individually,  

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but just keep in mind that the only true way to 
analyze body language is to first know exactly  

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what someone is like when they are normal 
– and then compare back to that baseline.

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To put everything together, we 
need to read the body as a whole,  

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and look for general clusters of behavior that 
work together to communicate a unified message.

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The voice can be read like other body language.

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Look for signs or cues that are 
incongruent and don’t mesh well  

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00:25:28,740 --> 00:25:32,580
with the other cues they’re giving, this 
might reveal that the other person is  

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trying to hide something if you can notice 
other cues that reaffirm this conclusion.

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00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:43,020
However, as always, the signs you’ve 
picked up on could well be meaningless,  

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00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:45,720
so make sure you have enough data to support them.

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00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:51,540
People who have mastered the art 
of observation are like detectives,  

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00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:58,200
simultaneously gathering as much data as 
possible that they then constantly sift through,  

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00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:03,180
looking for broad, overall patterns that 
explain the whole picture in front of them.

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People are complex and constantly shifting 
and responding to their environment.

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00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,980
But if you take the time to pay 
attention to how they engage with  

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that environment – in all ways – you may 
surprise yourself with what you can learn.

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In the next chapter, we’ll be looking 
at ways to not just observe behavior,  

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but to actively influence it using 
the power of targeted questions.

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00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:31,620
Takeaways

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•Body language signals cannot 
be interpreted in isolation.

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00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:58,920
Rather, first seek a baseline of behavior 
to help interpret a particular new  

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observation – a baseline helps you identify 
incongruent behavior and spot a deception.

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00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:09,420
•Look for mirroring, pay 
attention to overall energy,  

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00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:15,060
and remember that body language is dynamic, so 
you need to gather as much data as possible.

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00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:20,400
Then consider this data in context of 
history and the current environment.

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00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,260
•The voice is a part of the human body and speed,  

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00:28:25,260 --> 00:28:30,300
timbre, volume, pitch, and degree of 
control can signify emotional state.

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00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:35,400
The body is a whole, with verbal 
and nonverbal mingling together.

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00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:41,400
•Reading “message clusters” helps 
us organize isolated observations,  

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00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:48,480
and note whether they are aggressive, romantic, 
assertive, deceptive ad so on, in aggregate.

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[Music] this has been social skills 
coaching I'm Russell founder of Newton  

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00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:10,140
Media Group and producer of social skills 
coaching you can find us at newtonmg.com  

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if you have any feedback on today's 
episode or the podcast in general  

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00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:21,240
please email podcast newtonmg I'd love 
to hear from you join us again next week  

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00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:27,660
for more tips and tricks on how to be more 
likable more charismatic and more productive