[Music] hello listeners welcome back to  social skills coaching where you learn

to be more likable more charismatic and more  productive today is Tuesday January 17 2023.

if you've been biding your time since the  beginning of the year today is The Unofficial

ditch New Year's resolution day congratulations

in today's book how to extract info secrets  and truth from Patrick King and in many other

episodes we've talked about the specifics of body  language which way the feet are pointing are the

arms open or closed what about eye contact and  so on but it's important to remember that these

individual signals in body language can't be taken  individually at face value as it were let's listen

further on how to get the whole picture foreign It’s worth remembering right off the bat that

detecting deception is not as straightforward as  some would have you believe and, as we’ve seen,

not as simple as spotting a tell-tale  sign that proves a lie once and for all.

Laypeople and professionals alike are  notoriously bad at reading body language,

despite the wealth of information  we now have on the topic.

But the knack really comes in deciding what to do  with certain observations once you’ve made them.

Does a person’s folded arms mean they’re lying,

unhappy about something, fearful  ... or just feeling cold?

The trick comes in using not just one or two but a

whole host of clues and tells to form a  more comprehensive picture of behavior.

The reason why it’s so difficult to  “spot a lie” with perfect accuracy is

that the gestures and expressions associated with

deception are often not different from  those signifying stress or discomfort.

So given all this, is it worth  learning to read body language?

Absolutely.

Adding this extra dimension to your interactions  with others will only enrich your relationships

and give you extra insight into your  interpersonal conflicts and tensions.

Knowing what’s going on with another person  allows you to be a better communicator and

speak to what people are actually feeling  rather than what they’re merely saying.

Body language signals are always there.

Every person is communicating  nonverbally, at every moment of the day.

And it is possible to not only observe this

information in real-time but learn to  properly synthesize and interpret it.

You don’t need to be an expert,  and you don’t need to be perfect.

You just need to pay attention  and be curious about your fellow

human beings in a way you might not have before.

As you’re developing your  body language reading skills,

it may help to keep a few key principles in mind:

Establish normal behavior.

One or two gestures in a  conversation don’t mean much.

They could be accidental or purely physiological.

But the more you know how someone  “normally” behaves, the more you

can assume that any behavior outside of  this is worth looking more closely at.

If someone always squints their  eyes, pouts, jiggles their feet,

or clears their throat, you can more  or less discount these gestures.

Look for unusual or incongruent behavior.

Reading people is about  reading patterns of behavior.

Pay special attention to clues  that are unusual for that person.

Suddenly fiddling with the hair and avoiding eye  contact could tell you something is going on,

especially if this person never does  either of these things normally.

You may with time come to recognize  “tells” in people closest to you—they

may always wrinkle their nose when being dishonest

or clear their throat excessively when  they’re afraid and pretending not to be.

Importantly, pay close attention to those  gestures and movements that seem incongruous.

Discrepancies between verbal and  nonverbal communication can tell

you more than merely observing  nonverbal communication alone.

It’s about context.

An obvious example is someone wringing  their hands, rubbing their temples,

and sighing loudly but who claims, “I’m fine.

Nothing’s wrong."

It’s not the gestures that tell you  this person is concealing distress,

but the fact that they’re  incongruent with the words spoken.

Gather plenty of data.

As we’ve seen, certain constricting behaviors  could merely be because one is cold, tired,

or even ill, and expansive gestures  may not be about confidence so much

as feeling physically warm  and wanting to cool off.

This is why it’s important to  never interpret a gesture alone.

Always consider clusters of clues.

If you see something, note it but don’t  come to any conclusions immediately.

Look to see if they do it again.

Look for other gestures that may reinforce what

you’ve seen or else give evidence  for the opposite interpretation.

Check to see if the behavior repeats itself  with other people or in other contexts.

Take your time to really analyze  the whole of what’s in front of you.

Look for mirroring.

An important thing to remember is that certain  gestures may mean one thing in one context or

when shown to one person but have a different  meaning in another context or with someone else.

In other words, certain gestures could literally  only apply to you as you speak to this person.

If you’re not very familiar with someone,  a quick body language–reading shortcut is

to merely notice whether they are or are not  mirroring your gestures, whatever they are.

Mirroring is a fundamental human instinct; we tend  to match and mimic the behavior and expressions of

those we like or agree with, while we don’t if  we dislike a person or perceive them negatively.

If you’re in a meeting with a new client,  you may notice that no matter how friendly

your voice or how often you smile  and make open-handed, warm gestures,

they respond with coldness and closed gestures,  failing to mirror back to you your optimism.

Here, the gestures themselves are irrelevant;  it’s the fact that they are not shared which

shows you that the person you’re dealing  with is unreceptive, hostile, or threatened.

Pay attention to energy.

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in a group, simply take note of where intention,  effort, and focus are being concentrated.

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Watch where energy flows.

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Sometimes, the “leader” of a group is only  so in name; the real power may lie elsewhere.

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One only needs to look at how  much focus and attention flows

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toward a baby in the room to see this  in action—the baby says and does very

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little yet nevertheless commands  the attention of everyone there.

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Similarly, a family may have the father  as the official “leader,” and he may

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gesture and talk loudly to cement this perception.

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But pay attention and you may see that it’s  his wife who is constantly deferred to,

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and every member of the family may  show with their body language that

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it is in fact their mother’s needs that take  precedence, despite what’s claimed verbally.

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The most powerful voice in a room  is not necessarily the loudest.

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A lot can be understood about the power dynamics  in a group by watching to see where energy flows.

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Who speaks the most?

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Who are people always speaking to, and how?

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Who always seems to take “center stage”?

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Remember that body language is dynamic.

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When we speak, the content  of our language isn’t just

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about the words and the grammar  we use to string them together.

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It’s about how we talk.

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Do we say a lot or a little?

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What tone of voice?

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Are sentences long and  complicated or short and terse?

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Is everything phrased tentatively, like  a question, or is it stated confidently,

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as though it’s a known fact?

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What’s the speed of delivery?

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How loud?

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Is it clear or mumbling?

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In the same way that verbal information  can vary in the way it’s communicated,

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nonverbal information can vary too.

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Gestures are not static, fixed things but  living expressions that move in time and space.

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Watch the flow of information in real-time.

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Watch how expressions change and move in  response to the environment and those in it.

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Don’t be curious about  “catching” a discreet gesture,

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but rather watch the flow  of gestures as they change.

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For example, look at how a person walks.

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Walking is like a body posture but set in motion.

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Shuffling, slow gaits suggest  lack of confidence, while springy,

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quick ones suggest optimism and excitement.

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Become interested in how a person  responds to others in conversation

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or their style of talking to  those in positions of power.

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Once you start looking, you’ll be amazed at

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the wealth of information that’s  just waiting there to be noticed.

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Context is everything.

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Finally, it bears repeating:  no gesture occurs in a vacuum.

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Nonverbal communication needs  to be considered in relation

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to everything else—just like verbal communication.

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Establish patterns and learn about  a person’s behavior over time,

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in different contexts, and  toward different people.

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Consider the situation and environment—sweating  and stuttering during your wedding vows or

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a big interview is understandable;  doing so when asked to explain what

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you’re doing snooping through someone’s  drawers is a little more suspicious.

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Remember that everyone has their own  unique, idiosyncratic personality.

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Factor into your analysis the fact that  people are either introverted or extroverted,

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may favor emotions or intellect,  may have high or low tolerance

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for risk and adversity, may thrive in  stressful situations or wither in them,

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and may be spontaneous and casual  or goal-directed and rather serious.

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Our instinctual, evolutionarily programmed  impulses can’t be hidden or resisted,

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but they can take on slightly different  forms depending on our unique personalities.

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Admittedly, reading facial expressions and body

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language is a skill that takes  time and patience to master.

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There are no quick and easy tricks to  understanding people’s deeper motivations.

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However, remember the above principles and  focus on honing your powers of observation,

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and you’ll soon develop a knack for  seeing and understanding even tiny

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ripples and flutters of behavior  you might have previously missed.

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We live in a world dominated  by words and language.

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But when you become a student of nonverbal  communication, it’s no exaggeration to say

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that you open yourself up to an entirely  different, sometimes quite strange world.

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The Human Body is a Whole—Read It that Way

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Everyone has heard an offhand  statistic which sounds a little

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something like, “Ninety percent of your  communication is really nonverbal."

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We imagine that communication is  primarily a question of language,

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symbols, noises and sounds, and images on a page,

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whereas the person creating the language is  a separate physical entity occupying space.

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But in reality, the boundary  between verbal and non-verbal,

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medium and message, is always a little blurred.

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In the previous sections, we’ve  explicitly considered how a person

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can be “read” even beyond the content they  are choosing to deliberately convey to you.

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In other words, you’re not just listening to the  message they’re sending, but listening to them,

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as though their body itself were  something to read and interpret.

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In the discussion on detecting deceit or hidden  true feelings, we made an assumption: that what

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is inside a person will invariably manifest  itself somehow on the outside of a person.

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This is because we instinctively  understand that human beings are wholes,

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i.e., the verbal and nonverbal are really  just different aspects of the same thing.

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What really is the distinction between  the words and the lips that say them?

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The body and the gesture that the body makes?

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This may seem a little abstract, but it turns out

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there’s now interesting research to  back up the idea that communication

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as a whole can be understood as a  complete expression of a human being.

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First of all, have you ever had a phone call

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with someone where you could instantly  tell whether they were smiling or not?

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Call center managers will tell their staff  that people can “hear smiles” over the phone,

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but how do you suppose this is actually possible?

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It makes sense when we consider that  a voice is not an abstract symbol,

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but a real, physiological part of the human body.

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Researcher at the Donders Institute of  Radboud University Wim Pouw published

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some interesting findings  in the PNAS journal in 2020.

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He was interested in the topic we  all seem to instinctively understand:

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that hand gestures and facial expressions  can help us better understand what is being

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communicated—in fact at times a gesture can be  fundamental to us understanding the message.

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In an experiment, Pouw asked six people  to make a simple noise (like “aaaaa”)

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but to pair it with different arm  and hand gestures as they spoke.

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He then asked thirty other participants to  listen to recordings of the sounds only.

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Surprisingly, the participants were  able to guess what the accompanying

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movements were and even mimic them for themselves.

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They could say what the movement was,

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where it was performed and even  how quickly the gesture was made!

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How?

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Pouw’s theory is that people are able to  unconsciously detect subtle but important

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shifts in voice pitch and volume, as well as  speed changes, that accompany different gestures.

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When you make a gesture, your whole body  gets involved, including your voice.

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In other words, when you hear a voice, you are  hearing multiple aspects about that person’s body.

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When speaking, sound vibrates all through  the connective tissues of your body,

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but differences in muscle tension  can arise if we are making gestures

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with other parts of our body, and we can  hear these tiny adjustments in the voice.

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The great thing about this particular skill is

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that you don’t necessarily need to  train it, just become aware of it.

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You probably never thought you could practice  reading body language over the phone,

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but you can—if you understand that the  voice is simply a part of a person’s body!

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Voice alone is an incredibly  rich aspect of behavior to study.

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When you hear someone from another room, on  a recording or over the phone, close your

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eyes and imagine what their body is doing, and  what that posture or gesture might indicate.

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You can undoubtedly hear age and sex through  voice, too, but you can also infer something

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about a person’s ethnicity or nationality  by listening to their accent or vocabulary.

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Listen to the speed, timbre, volume,  pitch and degree of control used.

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How is the person breathing?

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How are their words and the way they’re  saying those words reinforcing one another,

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or perhaps undermining one another?

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For example someone on the phone might be  telling you how excited they are about something,

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but their slow and sluggish voice  may suggest to you that they’re

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slouching and folded in on themselves—and  greatly overstating their excitement.

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Thinking in Terms of Message Clusters

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Let’s shift our attention away from individual

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physical actions that may or not  mean or suggest something else,

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and instead consider human behavior in terms of  the overall message it communicates to others.

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If we are feeling hostile and aggressive,  for example, this attitude and intention will

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show up in every area, from our language to our  actions to our facial expressions to our voice.

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Rather than trying to imagine what every  possible manifestation of aggression looks like,

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we can focus on the aggression itself, and  watch for resulting clusters of behavior.

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Aggression is understandably  shown by confronting gestures,

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or those that move actively and  energetically towards a target.

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Invasive, approaching gestures  that move in on another person can

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signify an attempt to dominate, control or attack.

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Verbally, this could look like an insult or a  jeer, physically it looks like standing too close,

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or even displaying or exposing oneself  as if to demonstrate superior strength.

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Aggression is all about sudden,  impactful and targeted gestures.

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It’s as though the entire body is clenched  around a single pointed intention.

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Assertive body language, on the other  hand, is as forceful but not so directed.

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This is a person standing their ground, i.e.,

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being firm, balanced, smooth and open in  expression of a confidently held desire.

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The aggressive person may yell, whereas an  assertive one may simply state their business

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with a kind of muscular certainty  that can be heard in the voice.

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Submissive body language is the  complement—look for “lowering,”

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self-protective gestures that make  the person seems smaller, with small,

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appeasing gestures like smiling  excessively, being motionless,

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speaking quietly, turning the eyes downward or  assuming a vulnerable or non-threatening stance.

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This is different from being  genuinely open and receptive.

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Relaxed, friendly people will signal  looseness—open and uncrossed arms and legs,

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unguarded facial expressions, easy speech,

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or even loosening or removing outer  layers of clothing to show informality.

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This is a little like romantic body language,

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except someone who is sexually interested will  also behave in ways that emphasize intimacy.

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The focus will be on sensuality (touching  the other person or the self, preening,

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stroking, slowing down, warm smiles)  and connection (prolonged eye contact,

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questions, agreement, mirroring).

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The overwhelming perception is that  of an invitation to close distance.

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Deceptive body language is anything that  is characterized by a sense of tension.

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Deceit is the existence of two  conflicting things—for example

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someone believes one thing but says another.

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Look for the tension that  such a disparity creates.

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You want to look for anxiety, closed body  language, and a sense of distractedness

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(after all, they are processing extra  data they don’t want to reveal to you!).

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Look for someone who appears to be trying hard  to control themselves, with an anxious effect.

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By looking at intentions  behind overall communication,

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we can start to read the body as a whole.

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This makes it easier to gather multiple data  points more quickly, and find patterns of

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behavior rather than inferring too much  from just a single gesture or expression.

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Consider the entire human body—the  limbs, the face, the voice, the posture,

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the torso, the clothing, the hair,  the hands and fingers, everything.

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Can you see a cluster of  closed off, defensive gestures?

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Is someone trying to display  power, strength and dominance?

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Or are they just confident?

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Is the person in front of you trying  to show that they are trustworthy,

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or that they have a truly valuable thing  to sell you (salesman’s body language) or

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that they are greeting you  with openness and respect?

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In very general terms, look for  the following whole body patterns:

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•Crossing, closing in, or shutting off –  could signal guardedness, suspicion, shyness

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:21:47

•Expanding, opening, loosening – signals  friendliness, comfort, trust, relaxation

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:21:55

•Forward, pointed, directed – may speak  to dominance, control, persuasiveness

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:22:02

•Preening, touching, stroking  – shows romantic intentions

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:22:06

•Striking, abruptness, force, loudness –  signal energy or violence, sometimes fear

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:22:14

•Repeating, agreement, mirroring – shows  respect, friendliness, admiration, submission

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In an even broader sense, look at  overall behavior and communication

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as an expression of holding—holding on  to, holding in, holding up, holding back,

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failing to hold, holding tightly, etc.

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If you meet someone whose entire being seems to be  an expression of force and control (holding onto),

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:22:47

you can take your interpretation of them from  here, and better understand all the smaller

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data points—the hand wringing, the tightened  and pursed lips, the furrowed brow, the shallow

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breathing that seems to strangle the voice,  the high pitched tone, the rapid blinking ...

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Their body is sending you one clear,  uniform message: one of tension.

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There’s something big going on that  they’re trying hard to keep under wraps.

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Further context clues could tell you  whether this is an uncomfortable admission,

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a lie, or simply something they’re  embarrassed about sharing with you.

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Wrapping up, how can we read and analyze  people just through sight and observation?

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We have covered two primary aspects:  facial expressions and body language.

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It’s important to note that though many  aspects have been scientifically proven

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(with physiological origins), we can’t say  that simple observations are foolproof.

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It can never be definitive because there are  too many external factors to take into account.

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But we can better understand what typical things  to look for and what we can glean from them.

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We use two types of facial expressions:  micro- and macroexpressions.

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Macroexpressions are larger,  slower, and more obvious.

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They are also routinely faked  and consciously created.

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Microexpressions are the opposite of  all of those things: incredibly quick,

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almost unperceivable, and unconscious.

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Psychologist Paul Ekman identified a  host of microexpressions for each of

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the six basic emotions and in particular  has also identified microexpressions to

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indicate nervousness, lying, or deception.

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Body language has a much broader  range of possible interpretations.

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Generally, a relaxed body takes up space,

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while an anxious body contracts and  wants to conceal and comfort itself.

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There are too many specifics to list individually,

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but just keep in mind that the only true way to  analyze body language is to first know exactly

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what someone is like when they are normal  – and then compare back to that baseline.

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To put everything together, we  need to read the body as a whole,

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and look for general clusters of behavior that  work together to communicate a unified message.

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The voice can be read like other body language.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:25:23

Look for signs or cues that are  incongruent and don’t mesh well

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:25:28

with the other cues they’re giving, this  might reveal that the other person is

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:25:32

trying to hide something if you can notice  other cues that reaffirm this conclusion.

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However, as always, the signs you’ve  picked up on could well be meaningless,

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so make sure you have enough data to support them.

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People who have mastered the art  of observation are like detectives,

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simultaneously gathering as much data as  possible that they then constantly sift through,

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looking for broad, overall patterns that  explain the whole picture in front of them.

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People are complex and constantly shifting  and responding to their environment.

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But if you take the time to pay  attention to how they engage with

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that environment – in all ways – you may  surprise yourself with what you can learn.

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In the next chapter, we’ll be looking  at ways to not just observe behavior,

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but to actively influence it using  the power of targeted questions.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:26:30

Takeaways

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•Body language signals cannot  be interpreted in isolation.

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Rather, first seek a baseline of behavior  to help interpret a particular new

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:27:58

observation – a baseline helps you identify  incongruent behavior and spot a deception.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:06

•Look for mirroring, pay  attention to overall energy,

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:09

and remember that body language is dynamic, so  you need to gather as much data as possible.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:15

Then consider this data in context of  history and the current environment.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:22

•The voice is a part of the human body and speed,

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:25

timbre, volume, pitch, and degree of  control can signify emotional state.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:31

The body is a whole, with verbal  and nonverbal mingling together.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:37

•Reading “message clusters” helps  us organize isolated observations,

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:41

and note whether they are aggressive, romantic,  assertive, deceptive ad so on, in aggregate.

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:28:50

[Music] this has been social skills  coaching I'm Russell founder of Newton

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:29:04

Media Group and producer of social skills  coaching you can find us at newtonmg.com

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if you have any feedback on today's  episode or the podcast in general

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:29:14

please email podcast newtonmg I'd love  to hear from you join us again next week

This is not some fluffy, esoteric idea:  00:29:21

for more tips and tricks on how to be more  likable more charismatic and more productive