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Kristin Fitch: [00:00:00] Hi, today on the podcast, I would like to welcome our guests, guest, Jason Tuttle. He is a special education teacher, and he is a parent of two kids with multiple mental and physical disabilities. And he was a stay at home dad for 12 years who lost his son, Zachary, to medical complications in 2022. And since then, he's created a blogging community for those with disabilities.

Kristin Fitch: Walking through the grief journey. And I want to welcome him today to talk about finding strength and purpose after loss. We're going to talk about creating a legacy for his son. We're going to talk about what is it like walking through grief, both in your family, but also as a man. And we're going to step into the role of faith and the role of other people coming alongside of us.

Kristin Fitch: So I just want to thank him for taking the time and sharing his heart and his story with us today.

Jason Tuttle (2): Thank you so much for having me.

Kristin Fitch: Absolutely. So Jason, I would love it if you could first just share with us, you know, a part of your story, [00:01:00] you know, that you want to share just to let people know a little bit more about what life looked like and then how, you know, what, what you're doing now.

Jason Tuttle (2): Okay, so I'm a married father which would be 21 years this year of two kids. Like you stated initially when my wife and I got married, excuse me, we met in 2001. We officially married in 2003. And at the time I was 26, my wife was 29 and we both wanted to start a family. My wife being a little bit closer to her thirties Soon after we got married, we, we started really talking about it just because of, you know, at least on the female side of it, once you start getting into your thirties and having kids, that kind of thing.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so, About a year after we got married, we decided we were going to start trying for children. My wife got pregnant pretty quickly. We found out that well, actually at that moment, we knew that we were pregnant, but I wanted to know the sex of [00:02:00] the child. She didn't just because I'm a planner.

Jason Tuttle (2): I was the one that was going to be doing the nursery and it came down more or less to the fact that I didn't want to be painting in neutral colors. So I wanted to know, she didn't want to know. And that's kind of how it went up until about the week 20 appointment. Which for those that don't know, that's typically the appointment where you find out the sex of the child when your spouse is pregnant.

Jason Tuttle (2): So we go into that appointment and, you know, we playfully going back and forth. I do want to know, she doesn't want to know. And, you know, the ultrasound tech is kind of doing her thing. And she gets to the point of saying, you know, I'm, I'm going to find out the sex of the child, do you want to know, and so we still playfully go back and forth.

Jason Tuttle (2): And before we can finish kind of. Making a decision the tech goes well, I need to know because I found an issue And so we said we want to know the sex of the child. She said well, you're having a boy and We then asked her we go [00:03:00] Can you tell us what the issue is and she looks at us and goes? Well, that's more of a doctor issue and I said, okay.

Jason Tuttle (2): I said, well, why did you need to know the sex of the child? She said well if it's what I think it is, it's rare in boys, but even rarer in girls You And so that kind of threw us for a loop at the, at that point from week 20 on all the way through until my wife went into labor we saw a perinatologist, which is basically a high risk OBGYN is what that doctor is.

Jason Tuttle (2): And throughout that entire time, they told us every possible scenario of everything that I mean, every scary medical complication you can think of, we heard and then, you know, we got to my son was born at 38 weeks, I believe, and He was born. We saw him for about 30 seconds. They took him to the NICU at the hospital.

Jason Tuttle (2): We were in, my wife went to [00:04:00] recover because the epidural had kind of made her nauseous, which is pretty common. And I went to the NICU to see my son. At that point, the doctor came out and told us the rare condition that my son had. The, the next morning, the local children's hospital was going to come transport them up there.

Jason Tuttle (2): And that's kind of basically how our whole family life started. Up until my daughter was born and, and that's another part of the story.

Kristin Fitch: Okay. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. So You find out that your, your first child, right? There's something going on with him. So how long did he have to stay in the children's hospital?

Kristin Fitch: So how, how long was it till he even got to come home?

Jason Tuttle (2): They, the day he was born, he was at the hospital that he was born at. He went the next day and if memory serves me correctly, he was there. 11 or 12 days, and we literally had six or seven specialists come in and outta that NICU kind of, [00:05:00] area that we were in.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I mean, it was urology, neurology, a pediatric neurosurgeon pulmonology, and I forget the name of the, of the kidney doctor. Nephrology. Mm-Hmm. . Came in and they all kind of let us know what their thoughts were and what was going on. And it just, I mean, we kind of got hit from all sides at that point.

Kristin Fitch: Yep. That sounds like it was very overwhelming.

Jason Tuttle (2): You know,

Kristin Fitch: you're, you have this new baby and now there's, you're getting, like you said, bombarded by so much information and not certain of the future, right. Or, or anything. So I'm sure that that was very scary first of all. But so, so what did, what did life look like?

Kristin Fitch: You know, over these next 12 years, you know, you, you brought him home. You started raising your child. You obviously then had your daughter after that. So what, what was it like? You were a stay at home dad. And so just tell us about that part of your, of your story.

Jason Tuttle (2): Well, we, we brought him home and then, We had always wanted [00:06:00] a second child.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so, and I say that just because you'd, you'd be amazed the kind of pushback we got when we decided we were going to have another child after having our son that had five or six different kinds of medical conditions. And. Honestly, when she was born, she was considered the normal child per se, up until about six months, when we found out at that point, she was starting to have issues.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so in the first three years of our marriage, we had two kids, two years apart, almost to the day. Both of them, as it turned out, both of them had the exact same identical conditions on everything except for my son's rare condition. So in the first three years, we had two kids with five different issues, all identical.

Jason Tuttle (2): And then my son had a rare condition on top of that. But so at that point, I'm, I'm teaching in the, in a teaching role. And my degrees in [00:07:00] physical education. So I was teaching elementary school physical education at that point. I still taught for probably another two years at that point. It was that last year in the middle of the year, it got to be.

Jason Tuttle (2): To where I was in and out of the hospital so much that I was kind of working for free. And so I just called my wife up one day and said, you know, we'd always talk about me staying home. What's your thoughts on it? And we both kind of came to the consensus of what you're never prepared for. You might, you just got to kind of rip the bandaid off and go for it.

Jason Tuttle (2): And that's kind of what we did, but. So from that point forward for the next 12 years, it was multiple hospital stays five or six different specialist doctors visits every six months. It was home medical care. It was hospital medical care. It was dealing with IEPs through the school system and PT and OT and speech.

Jason Tuttle (2): And it's dealing with government programs. And I mean, I could go on and on and on and just the things [00:08:00] that it was.

Kristin Fitch: Well, yeah, not only raising your children, but all of those things that came with all that is a full time job. Full time effort. Yes. So yeah, so tell me then you know, then you had the unexpected loss of your son.

Kristin Fitch: So tell us how life has changed. First of all, how, tell us a little bit about that. You know, the grieving you know, you talk about this a lot, but the One, what is, how did your family life change, you know, because that's a, that's a really hard thing to walk through. And then two, as a man, I know, you know, you, you speak about this a lot, but you men grieve differently than the moms, than the, than the dads.

Kristin Fitch: And so maybe share that with us a little bit, because we, I definitely have a more you know, female centric audience, so share with us, you know, what you'd like to tell us about that as well.

Jason Tuttle (2): The way life changed. It was a little bit different for my wife and I, and both of us had different relationships with our son, neither of which were bad.

Jason Tuttle (2): It was just different. [00:09:00] And what I mean by that is because I was my son's 24 7365 care. My son was nonverbal. We had kind of this nonverbal kind of communication going between us. Between us, we, like when he went to the hospital, I was the one that took him to the ER. I was the one that when he got admitted, I literally stayed every day from that point forward.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I came home with them every time it happened. So we had all of that time together in the hospital outside of just daily life. So for me, after everything that happened, especially because it was unexpected and it was sudden. And I mean, from the moment we realized something was wrong until the actual you know, his, his passing was less than 36 hours. It was, it was a pretty quick turnaround. And so to go from what I would call always being in go mode day and night, every day to nothing, that was a hard [00:10:00] change for me for a long while, because. You know, I, over the last 18 years, I, I, like I developed insomnia because I couldn't sleep at night because I had several times where I literally heard in the baby monitor something going on in my son's room.

Jason Tuttle (2): I got up, something was wrong. I immediately got him dressed and I drove like a bat out of, you know, where to get up to the hospital to get him care. And so from those I, to this day, I still have a hard time sleeping. So the, the going from You know, just a hundred percent all the time to nothing was a very difficult process for me outside of the fact that, you know, I was always the one that took care of them.

Jason Tuttle (2): There were several times that I saved his life before all of this and a very hard concept for me to grasp. And even to this day, it's still hard for me to grasp is the, the idea that in his one most necessary moment. [00:11:00] I could not save him when I had done it multiple times before. And so, and, and I've had a lot of people over time say, well, you got to be easier on yourself.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I get that. And I understand that. However, with how I operate and how my brain works and all that, it's still a very hard concept for me to, to, to get beyond, I guess you would say As for the male side of feelings you know, I started out with the typical first thing all men start out with, which is anger.

Jason Tuttle (2): I was very angry for a while there. And it wasn't necessarily directed at anybody. It was more of an internal anger. So I don't want people to think I wasn't lashing out at anybody. It was more you know, I'm pretty open. I'm pretty talkative, but I got real quiet for a while just because I knew, and I told my wife several times, I said, I just feel like if, if I open the, if I open the dam, the dam is going to break.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I, I [00:12:00] don't want to be anybody. I don't want anybody to be in that path when it happens, because I'm just going to verbally just. At people.

Kristin Fitch: Well, I mean, that's understandable. I mean, I think all the things you felt, you think just being a parent myself, not ever having walked through anything like that, I can see exactly why you would feel like.

Kristin Fitch: Right. Like we want to care for our kids as best we can. And you did absolutely a hundred percent. We still want to protect them and everything. And so when you feel like you did everything you could, but you still, there's just a parent feeling, I think you know what I mean? And so I totally understand that.

Kristin Fitch: And the anger, and I know you've also described things like What did you say? I think, you know, like you felt more isolated, you know, irritated, you had no patience, but all of those things, like you said, it's first of all, like, why, like, why my son, right? I'm sure that makes you very angry. You know what I mean?

Kristin Fitch: Like, how do you grapple with that? And so I think that all makes a lot of sense. But what about from the end? For me, it seems like women [00:13:00] tend to not always tend to find comfort in other women or in community. And it seems like men, at least for my husband, when he's going through something, he has guy friends and we have couple friends, but he's not one that's just going to go tell you his feelings with and call a guy up.

Kristin Fitch: Now, some men are like that, but so did you. Did that add to your isolation or was that not true for you? Were you more engaged with, with other men?

Jason Tuttle (2): It did. And it's honestly, one of the reasons why I created Letters to Zachary outside of the purpose that we're talking about it for is I got, at least in the beginning, like everybody, you go on Facebook and Facebook has a group for everything.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so in the groups I was getting into, I mean, Typically it's 98 percent women are the followers in there, and there's about 2 percent men, and of that 2 percent men, there might be half a percent of men that post on a somewhat regular basis. Yeah. And so I got frustrated with the [00:14:00] fact that, whereas men were gonna Have the exact same scenario as me.

Jason Tuttle (2): I still wanted men that unfortunately that had lost a child and I just, I couldn't find them. And even now, even though the percentage of men that are following my page is four times the average, still the majority of people that comment all the time are women. And, you know, from the male perspective and some of these things, probably a lot of your listeners are going to know, but you know, men are always, I'm 47 years old and I'm generation X.

Jason Tuttle (2): And, you know, my parents are of the generation before that. And I'm, I would still consider myself a little more old school, maybe than some of the younger generations. And, you know, I was taught from the beginning that, you know, yeah, you can have your emotions, but they need to be short and brief and you need to get right back to what you're doing.

Jason Tuttle (2): And it's, it's typically the [00:15:00] female side that gets all emotional and gets into their feelings and that kind of thing. And then, you know, Everybody laughs when I say this, but I'm part of the tape it up and walk it off generation, that kind of thing. And, and so these are the kind of the things that I grew up from birth.

Jason Tuttle (2): I always knew this. Now, at least for me, I'm a little more all from normal, if you will, just because I was always a little more open, but not like what I am today. And, So first of all, men have to kind of overcome what they've been taught all their life. The second thing that they've got to overcome is the fact that, in fact, I'm glad you asked that yesterday.

Jason Tuttle (2): I was watching a reel from a CEO of a major sports organization who all remain nameless that came on there and basically bashed men that were opening up about their feelings about. X, Y, and Z. And I'm just like, buddy, you've got the right [00:16:00] to state exactly how you feel, but you also have to understand the platform that you are on and you have millions of followers and you're basically telling all these men that it's not okay to open up now.

Jason Tuttle (2): Am I asking a man to come and cry on my shoulder? Not so much, but. I am saying here, I'm an open ear, if you want to yell, vent, whatever, I'm here to listen. And so we've got that. And you know, men, it may be a little better with the younger generations, but I, I tell a lot of people that at least of mine, and maybe the generation after me, men are taught that women's feelings come first.

Jason Tuttle (2): Period. No exceptions. And when I get people that say, no, that's not true. I look at them and go, really? I said, cause I can walk down any one of the houses on my street, walk into that house. And I guarantee there's at least one house that has the sign on their wall that says happy wife, happy life.

Kristin Fitch: Yeah.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I [00:17:00] said, don't get me wrong. People like me and a lot of men, we want our wives to be happy and all that. I'm not, I'm not saying anything against that. However, what that subconsciously tells us is the women come first. And then if there's any space below, then we can come in all the, albeit a short period of time.

Jason Tuttle (2): The last thing I would tell tell women, a lot of the reason why men don't open up is because men know that. And not all cases, but men know that there are a lot of women out there that will bring it back up and throw it in their face. It goes along with that old stereotype. Well, your wife will know 10 years ago to the day at a certain time while you were doing like watching TV during this TV show, you said X, Y, and Z is what, and you know, I get it.

Jason Tuttle (2): And all men get it that you, yeah, we're going to have our arguments from time to time, [00:18:00] but. If you're constantly throwing it back in our face, like we can never get beyond it, let's say we've repented about it, if you will, and you constantly throw it back in our face, like we can't get beyond it, men are going to close up.

Jason Tuttle (2): It's almost like a baseball thing, three strikes and you're out. And, you know, we get that sometimes it happens, it slips out, but if it constantly happened, we will subconsciously subconsciously get the idea, Hey. I just need to be quiet because I don't want this coming back being thrown in my face over and over and over again.

Kristin Fitch: Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're saying. So if, if someone's listening to this, if a man's listening to this, right, because a wife may likely send this right to their brother, their husband, you know, whatever it might be. What what helped you the most? I mean, I know you started this community, so of course that probably helped you, but I'm saying, was there any resources?

Kristin Fitch: Was it praying? Was it like confiding in [00:19:00] somebody? In other words, what for you helped, I mean, of course you're still going to always be walking through some part of grief, but what helped has been helping you on this grief journey? Would you say the tools that helped you the most?

Jason Tuttle (2): Definitely my faith.

Jason Tuttle (2): I will say from maybe not the day my son was born, but soon thereafter, when I started picking up all of his medical conditions and under understanding what they were and how to deal with them, all that, I picked them up at a rapid rate and more so than I ever thought I would. And, you know, to this day, I tell people, I 100 percent believe that God gave us that child because he knew with the tools that we have as a husband and wife, that we would be able to take care of him and the insurmountable, insurmountable amount of just stuff that was before us.

Jason Tuttle (2): And. Even with [00:20:00] throughout the entire time he was alive, the fact that I could look at my son and know what was going on without ever saying a word. So there was a lot of faith in God, a lot of praying, a lot of you know, just trying to divert my like worry and frustration, you know, through prayer. That was a big thing throughout his entire life.

Jason Tuttle (2): And after he passed The other big thing was building community. You know, the old saying, it takes a village. Well, that's certainly true in a lot of cases. I almost immediately, even before the page got online and tried to find people that had lost children, maybe special needs children, tried to connect with them, tried to just get somewhere to get a footing in somewhere, at least.

Jason Tuttle (2): Maybe not for me to talk, but to hear other people, just to see if I can find people. That understood life from my point of view, and which I did, I ran across many,

Kristin Fitch: you know, and that's interesting. I mean, that's so [00:21:00] wonderful that you did that, but I do feel like a lot of men are very hesitant to go find community, you know?

Kristin Fitch: So I'm glad one, that you started this community and two, that you knew that you needed to find people that had experienced something similar to yourself, right? Because It's in that place that you could start to maybe understand more. You could fit, find out like, how are you even going walking through this?

Kristin Fitch: Right? Like you could, like you said, you could at least see their examples and then sort of where they're at. So I hope more men will continue to do that with whatever they're, you know, things they're going through. So let me so why don't we jump into. You have, you started the blog and then the community and then you have a grief coloring book coming out and all of it's around the idea.

Kristin Fitch: It's called letters to Zachary. And so part of this is because it's, it's allowing you to create a legacy for your son. So what would you like to share with us about finding purpose [00:22:00] and and then creating this legacy for your son that, you know, might inspire some people?

Jason Tuttle (2): Well, honestly, this whole letters to Zachary journey started because one, I'm a big proponent of therapy or counseling.

Jason Tuttle (2): And it was after my son had passed you know, I started seeing my counselor again. And one of the visits after I saw her, her comment to me was, have you ever thought about journaling? And the irony of all of that, I literally looked down and went, you know, I don't know if journaling is my thing. Now, if you look at my page and what's been built and all the people go, really, journaling is not your thing.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so I resisted it for a while. Like that idea sat on my side table for probably nine months after she told me. So I had that, but. Letters to Zachary started as a way for me to get just my raw, open feelings off my chest, because I'm one of those people, if it sits on [00:23:00] me, it's just gonna eat me alive.

Jason Tuttle (2): And, you know, even my counselor said, even if you don't share it with anybody, at least it's getting it off your chest. She said, you could, you know, write it out, you could delete it, you Burn it, whatever you want to do. And so again, I, I resisted it for nine months. And then finally, one day I was watching something on Facebook or somewhere and I, and it, it hit me like, like a Mack train.

Jason Tuttle (2): I just, I lost it. I was having a really tough moment. And. I, I opened a word document in, in improper letter form, like I was writing my son like he, like he lives somewhere else in the country. And I just, for lack of better words, verbally vomited all over the page is what I did. And now granted, I'm very open.

Jason Tuttle (2): So like when I posted that first letter, I told people, I said, I write in the moment it's raw, it's open. It's the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I feel like in that moment, I need [00:24:00] to drop drop an expletive, because that's the one thing that's going to make me feel better as I'm describing it, then that's what I'm going to do.

Jason Tuttle (2): Now, it's not all filled that way, but I did have moments here and there where it just came out because. That's how it was in the moment. And so I told people, I said, that's the kind of thing that maybe offends you. I'm sorry, but this is how I, this is just how I feel in this moment. And so I did that. And I did that with the understanding that I may get a very positive response.

Jason Tuttle (2): I may get a negative response, but I have to be mentally prepared for both. So I did that and I almost, I immediately got a huge positive response. I had so many of those mothers and wives and girlfriends in there and say, I have never told anybody what's kind of deepest, darkest in me. And you have hit the nail on the head word for word.

Jason Tuttle (2): And she was just like, I don't even know you. And she said, that is exactly how I'm feeling. And, you know, I came back and said, well, I appreciate that it resonates with you. I [00:25:00] said, it's inspired by my son. And just kind of our bond together, you know, thank you. And I just kind of went from there and I continued post posting for a while, but you know, in this journey, while, while I was still having a really difficult time, at least in those first couple of months of doing it, even though I didn't see it in the moment.

Jason Tuttle (2): I was taking millimeter steps forward every time I was doing it. And eventually I turned around and looked and went, Hey, this, the start line is a mile that way, and I'm a mile this way. So even though I didn't realize it in the morning, it was really helping. In fact, my wife said a couple of weeks ago, she goes, you may not notice it, but all this letters to Zachary stuff has made a very big difference.

Jason Tuttle (2): vast improvement in how you're doing and how you're feeling and you being able to express yourself and just I mean, she just listed several things. So You know letters of zachary started from me just getting off my chest but [00:26:00] then morphed into Well, I want to help man the May not feel like they can open up.

Jason Tuttle (2): And then it morphed into, I wanted to help more than just men. I want to help anybody that's lost a loved one. And then the final kind of evolution of it, which is still everything else. I, I said, I want to be able to help wives understand kind of the male perspective. So even if men don't come here, the wives have seen it and they can kind of mentally, while they're talking to their significant others, maybe use some of the things that I've talked about, or like I even came up with the male grief constitution is what I came up with just 10 things I felt like.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I've told women, I've said, can I say that these will 100 percent work? That I don't know all men are different. I said, but if this were used towards me, all of these would work at least over time. And so this is kind of what it's all come to. And it's, this is what's helped [00:27:00] me through this whole grief process outside of just my faith and just my belief system, that kind of thing.

Kristin Fitch: It's amazing. I'm so thankful that out of your loss, out of your grief, Like you said, one, you seeked out community, but now you've actually created community and resources to help other people. And I think that's so powerful, you know, one, because it does give you even more purpose. I mean, you obviously already have purpose.

Kristin Fitch: You, you still have your daughter and wife, you, you know, your teacher and you help all of those kids, but this is just an additional deeper purse purpose. It's tied to your son. And so it's so beautiful. So I'm so glad that you're in the world doing that first of all. So thank you for

Jason Tuttle (2): that. You know, You know, as a side thing, several years ago, before any of this happened, you know, I just got to the point.

Jason Tuttle (2): I was just like, instead of complaining about it, do something about it. And so from that point forward, I just, I just kind of slowly changed my view on how to [00:28:00] do things. And then on top of that, I've kind of adopted the, is it a problem or an inconvenience? Because an inconvenience, you can get around a problem you have to deal with.

Kristin Fitch: Yeah. Well, and sometimes it's, it's that we perceive something as a problem, but it's is there a potential solution? And if there is, then it's something we can get over, right? More like a hurdle. And so, yeah, I think that's so good. So let me ask you this. Well, one of the things, you know, that I want to talk about was what did it look like for you know, both during your parenting journey and, you know, the grief journey in the last two and a half years.

Kristin Fitch: Were there people that came alongside you, were there encouraging words, were there kind words or gestures or things that helped lift your family up whether online or in person or whatnot. So is there anything where you could just see the human connection you know, kind of. Trying to help you all through this.

Jason Tuttle (2): Sure. I, you know, after, like [00:29:00] any of us who have had been to funerals, whether they've been someone, you know, close to us or just someone we know, you typically get what I would call the funeral fanfare right afterwards. It's usually for about two weeks ish. And then after that, it kind of fades off just because honestly, even though people are well meaning, a lot of people have a very hard time talking about grief, death, that kind of thing, you know, I have an idea.

Jason Tuttle (2): I think it just pinpoints the fact that it's forcing them to deal with something that's a difficult topic that they don't want to deal with. And so that's why it kind of fades away. Now, we, we, by no means expected them to stay around forever. We knew that after a certain period of time, it would kind of go, life would go back to normal, but you know, we We both had our families.

Jason Tuttle (2): I mean, my, my whole family was very understanding and my parents have always been [00:30:00] great about it. And I mean, they, they had people that they knew that had lost, you know, spouses and children and things like that. And they would give me, even though in the time I didn't necessarily want to hear it, but words of wisdom and that kind of thing.

Jason Tuttle (2): So we did have family and. The, because we were a special needs family, we had people in the special needs community that reached out for at least a short period of time. So that was nice. And then honestly, the biggest response I've had still to this day has been the grief community one, just because they get it.

Jason Tuttle (2): And, you know, I joke with people, but when something like this happens, you understand that probably your biggest supporters out of anybody are strangers on the internet.

Kristin Fitch: Because they've walked through something similar.

Jason Tuttle (2): Yeah.

Kristin Fitch: And, and we all need some sort of community. And so, but that's, it's easier to find people online, right.

Kristin Fitch: With something that you're trying to have a connection point [00:31:00] to then maybe your neighbors, right. Or, or if you're at a church or in your schools or whatever it might be. So yeah, I think you're absolutely right. And I think you were talking about, you know, Gen X earlier, which I am as well, but I think Sometimes, especially maybe if you're, you know, in a more our age range, some people don't think to look online for groups.

Kristin Fitch: I mean, I, I have always been a tech person and a lot of my friends are, but not everyone is right. I have some friends that don't go on social media or doesn't don't do any of that. So I just would encourage people, you know, whether it's for grief or loss or just to meet some, you know, meet a group of people to find something to do with if you feel isolated, whatever the thing is, you are absolutely right that there are good groups of people and communities online, but we do have to seek those out.

Kristin Fitch: So I think that's a really good point. So let me ask you this. What is, you know, is there anything you wanted to share with the listeners just to, you know, kind of that finding strength and just purpose in their lives, [00:32:00] regardless of what hard things they may have gone through? Just any other words of encouragement or tips?

Jason Tuttle (2): As someone who is a believer and has faith, I would say first and foremost, foundation needs to be God. I 100 percent believe that. Whereas the issue I was dealing with may not be taken away per se, having faith in God helped me to at least deal with the moment I was dealing with. And it gave me at least clarity or just the ability to calm myself down or something to that effect while I'm in the midst of just this devastating moment.

Jason Tuttle (2): And then, you know, In the grief community, there's a lot of, you know, cliched statements that we hear all the time, but like someone, I forget where it came from, but I made a comment about losing my son and then someone, you know, related to the fact of, well, you know, God sent his only begotten [00:33:00] son to the cross to die, you know, to die for the world.

Jason Tuttle (2): The sins of the world who better to understand that than God and I don't know why as a believer I don't know why that didn't initially cross my mind, but it was almost like a light bulb went off when they told me Or you know like being almost being proverbially smacked against my head going. Hello the you know read the bible and so You know, that's a big issue is faith is first and foremost I would say Oh, and, and dealing with all of this, definitely community, as we've just talked about however you can get it women, it's a little bit more accessible for men.

Jason Tuttle (2): I mean, it's, it's touching, it's touch and go their, their groups through churches that, I mean, even if it means meeting one of your male friends in a man cave or over, you know, over working on a car [00:34:00] or sports or something like that, I mean,

Kristin Fitch: it

Jason Tuttle (2): can be as simple as that.

Kristin Fitch: Yeah, absolutely.

Jason Tuttle (2): You know, honestly.

Jason Tuttle (2): When it comes to grief, there's a statement in the grief world that says the only way to get through grief is to grieve. And as much as I wish I had a miracle answer, the easy answer and sometimes the the best direction is the easiest answer, is you just have to grieve. You have to get through the hard times.

Jason Tuttle (2): It's just You'll be, you may not see it right now, but you will be better on the other side, but you've, you've just got to get through it. Even if it, you know, if they, if there are moments and there's a person out there that they're just starting to grieve, even though that day is just recently happened.

Jason Tuttle (2): You know, if you have days where you just want to stay in bed all day, that's fine. That is. Perfectly normal. [00:35:00] I mean, society may not tell you, but I would tell you up to that first full year, if you had days like that every other day, I wouldn't think twice about it. You know? I mean, if you have days where you just don't want to deal with people, perfectly normal.

Jason Tuttle (2): You know, despite what anybody else may say, there's a lot of these things that people go, well, am I abnormal? If I do this? No, you're not. You just need to find the right people to talk to. Cause people like me and the grief community will go, no, been there, done that, did that the first year.

Kristin Fitch: Absolutely. I think that's really good perspective and advice.

Kristin Fitch: And you're right for many people that I know that have walked through different types of loss. Yes, it is a very up and down and personal roller coaster. Right. You know, and, and yes, I would say you're right. There was a lot of. I think there's a lot of days for a lot of people, just like you just explained.

Kristin Fitch: And then one thing I've also, I had a recent conversation. I've, I've had lost conversations, great conversations before on the podcast [00:36:00] differing from yours, but you know, one of the things I talked to with a spiritual director and chaplain recently was, That a lot of times, much like you said at funerals, people don't know what to say.

Kristin Fitch: So they'll try to say like some kind of Christian accolades, you know, or something. And it's and I just wondered, the point is, is that's really not very helpful in that moment, right? Like even just to be with someone, even if you don't know what to say is, is fine. And that's actually probably welcomed, but not saying some cliche thing.

Kristin Fitch: Right. So I just wondered if you had any advice for everyone else walking through the grief with someone else that's experiencing it.

Jason Tuttle (2): Well, I will say throughout the whole special needs life. And then now the grief life that we're dealing with the one common, I always get, and I will say for a long period of time, you should just irritate me.

Jason Tuttle (2): Every time I heard it was God only gives you what you can handle. And so for the longest time, I would, I would, I wouldn't get mad at the person, but I kind of get internally angry about it because I didn't want to lash out at them by any stretch of the imagination. Cause [00:37:00] again, they're, they're saying what they know, or maybe what they've Resaying it to someone else, but I've gotten to a point when people say, God only gives you what you can handle.

Jason Tuttle (2): And I'll go, no, you need to reword that. I said, God gives you more than you can handle. And a lot of people go, wait a minute, what, what do you mean? God gives me more and more than I can handle. So there's, there's method to the madness behind it, because if God gives you more than you can handle, and he knows that you need to be directed towards him.

Jason Tuttle (2): Transcribed The more he gives you, the more likelihood you're going to try to revert back to him to help him alleviate what you're dealing with. So there's method to the madness. So no, God doesn't give you what you can handle because then that means you just rely on yourself. It's not about you relying on yourself.

Jason Tuttle (2): It's about you relying on God. So for me. In this whole process, he knew that with everything coming that I could not handle the death of my son at 15 years old, that I would definitely have to rely on him [00:38:00] at some point. So, you know, I mean, that's, that's typically what I would say to people, especially when I got that comment.

Kristin Fitch: Well, I think that's a smart and amazing comment. And like you said, it's It's surrender, right? Like it's a point we will hit the point where we cannot do whatever we're going through on our own, right? We hit rock bottom or whatever it might be. And so absolutely, you're right. You know, no, we weren't promised that, right?

Kristin Fitch: I mean, but to your point, it's that's a really good way to look at it. But yeah, I think the point is, is sometimes we should not just say things because we've heard them. We should just say what we've heard. The most things or say nothing, right. Just give somebody a hug, you know, or, you know, just say I'm, I'm so sorry.

Kristin Fitch: Right. Like you don't have to say something that sounds clever, I guess, is the point. Right. You know, and don't repeat it just cause you've heard it because if you're the one walking through it, I think to your point in that moment, in that time, it's not very helpful. Right. And it. It doesn't really land always.

Kristin Fitch: So, [00:39:00] okay. So Jason, share with everybody, where can they connect with you online and with your community and learn about the coloring book and all that good stuff.

Jason Tuttle (2): Okay. For those of you that are on Facebook and honestly, who's not on Facebook these days I am letters to Zachary on Facebook. It's if you look forward, it's a blue logo and script writing.

Jason Tuttle (2): It's got a paper airplane and like angel wings coming out of the paper airplane for those that are looking for the logo. And I only say that just because I think there might be more than one if I remember. But so there's that I'm also on tick tock. And honestly, I never thought at my age, I would be on tick tock of all things.

Jason Tuttle (2): But I went there because I like doing the short form videos. Typically they're five minutes or less and actually most of my try to keep three minutes or less just because I don't want to be doing a video longer than about five minutes as it is. So, but on there, I typically do when I have those kind of.

Jason Tuttle (2): Odd grief [00:40:00] questions thoughts in the moments. That's typically what I post on tiktok so I can kind of get an immediate response through there I'm also on instagram, but to be honest with you on instagram It's a lot of reposting from tiktok to make kind of that that that platform So my two original ones are facebook and tiktok for the most part.

Jason Tuttle (2): I I do have a website. That's letters to zachary. com Right now it goes to the publisher's website. So anybody that looks at it, you are in the right place. Once the grief coloring book comes out, it will then revert over to my professional site that I've got ready to go once we release the coloring book.

Jason Tuttle (2): So I've got that. And then I have created a, what, A grief coloring book and what it basically is was I wanted because I've had so many people help me in the grief community I wanted a way to give back to everybody in the grief community. So what I did [00:41:00] was Through the publishing company i'm using we came up with a survey and I told everybody that wanted to do it, which was at the time that it was happening.

Jason Tuttle (2): It was no cost to anybody that submitted anything. I said, Hey, can you come over and fill out the survey? And it filled out, you know, who they were, like, last name, first name, last initial, where they're from. And then you listed, you know, You know who your loved one was, and then you came back and listed all like attributes about 'em, things they liked, favorite sayings, maybe a sentence or two about 'em, and all the, all this information.

Jason Tuttle (2): And what would happen would be they would submit it to the artist, they would take all that information, and some of 'em were actually. Pictures in a coloring book. Some of them were kind of, collages that were all the information went together and kind of had a central theme to them, that kind of thing.

Jason Tuttle (2): So what would happen would be once this book is released, now they have an active and interactive memorial that will forever be there for [00:42:00] anybody that buys it, that will most likely outlast us all. And so that was kind of the meaning behind it. The other reason why I wanted to do it was as I was thinking about doing the coloring book, I thought, well, I have a daughter and I have to describe to my daughter grief.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so I got to thinking and I thought, well, how can I do it? And then it was just out of the blue. I was just like, well, a coloring book would work. A coloring book is simple. It's something that most people of all ages understand. And in fact, in my age range, adult coloring books are becoming, have become popular.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so basically what it, what I did it for was I'm telling parents, the reason why you may want to purchase this is say you have a daughter and you lost your son. Now you have an activity that they're familiar with. excuse me, that's a de stressing activity that they can do. It's a mindfulness activity that they can do and it's [00:43:00] something you can bond over and it will give the parent time while the child is coloring to try to figure out ways to kind of simplistically put difficult topics as you're talking about it.

Jason Tuttle (2): And so that was kind of the whole emphasis behind it was, I know I have a daughter that I've got to explain this to. How can I get her to a point where she's relaxed to where I can talk to her about it in a simple way? And coloring book was the answer.

Kristin Fitch: I think that's, I think that'll be so helpful to so many families.

Kristin Fitch: So that's such a great resource that you're coming out with. So wonderful. And I think that that comes out later this month, right?

Jason Tuttle (2): Yes, it if, excuse me, it officially releases August 16th at noon.

Kristin Fitch: Okay, wonderful, wonderful. Well, Jason, I just want to thank you again for coming on, sharing your story, sharing your journey and just sharing, you know, opening up about grief and, you know, creating this legacy for your son and [00:44:00] creating community.

Kristin Fitch: What a beautiful thing in the midst of loss. So thank you for joining us.

Jason Tuttle (2): Thank you so much for having me.