SFX: News Intro Music

NEWS READER: (at mic)

Good morning to the Front Range, and thanks as always for tuning in to XTTY: Independent Internet News and Music for Fort Collins, Loveland, and Longmont. It is 7:59, skies are clear, and today’s high should be right around 73°

And the story of the missing alcohol at Denver International Airport continues to develop. The previous mystery wherein all the liquor was either water or unsweetened iced tea has apparently been duplicated elsewhere — bars and restaurants outside the airport are reporting the same problem.

Delivery drivers, brewmasters, and distillers all over the metroplex have been insisting they’re conducting business as usual, but frustrations are rising.

In strangely similar news, we’ve also received a report from a long-time listener who said that the closest cannibus dispensary to DIA now smells, and we quote, “like a junior high cafeteria on Pizza Friday.” Bud-tenders and smoking enthusiasts alike are baffled that all the flower seems to have been replaced with oregano.

Elevation Ministries from the International Church of Cannibas headquartered in Denver have visited the dispensary to pray, much to the annoyance of the boys in blue on the scene.

We’ll keep you updated as the story develops, but for now, let’s kick off the hour with local band Rook & the Rileys new track, Skin Wagon.

SFX: Good Morning Evildoers theme music fades in then out.

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and I won’t keep you long. Just a few notes before I head off to Denver.

Speaking of, while I’m gone, direct HR concerns to Lori Foehammer. I know she’ll take good care of you. And I also know even Victor isn’t dumb enough to mess with her.

And I bring up Victor because his homunculi are trying to make contact with the actual sauerkraut from the fridge near the reactor core. No, I don’t know why. Maybe they just take gut health seriously. Still, if you see any tiny religious rites in the hallway on Level 23, try not to disturb them. If they’re sentient and can be reasoned with, seems a pity to use them as croutons. Why, think of how useful an army of tiny assassins could be!

Oh! And don’t forget. Alicia Death-Hammer is offering her improv class tonight. You know what that means. Bring or wear clothes that you can move in and don’t mind getting bloody.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!

WINIFRED: (at large)

All right, Coelacanth. You ready to head out? Let me grab my bag and we’ll hop down to the transport pod.

[RUSTLING / WALKING / MYSTERIOUS NOISES / CROWDED AIRPORT / DOORS]

Let’s just slip out of sight through here, open this access door…there. Now I can let you out of your carrier. Listen, don’t growl at me. If you’d keep all your extra-dimensional tentacles inside the transport beam, you wouldn’t have to ride in your carrier at all.

Now let’s see what’s to be seen in the office.

Well, no blood. We’ll call that a win. But I do smell something…is that a springtime meadow? I prefer my caves more dank than this.

Hm. All the tech is dead. Not an ounce of power moving through any of these circuits. Ah ha! But look! The fore-mole’s logbook. Okay…digging begins…sub sub sub sub sub sub sub basement…promotions unusually bloodthirsty…oh. Well. This is interesting.

It looks like the digging machines all stopped working around the same time as the entries on this page…okay. Well. Good thing I learned Moleman, mm?

“Team reports strange, threatening scents. Fresh air, sun-warmed laundry on the line, and freshly baked apple pie.” Not sure I like the sound of that. I mean, I like dessert as much as the next gal, but there’s a time and a place.

Next we have… “Digging machines gone. Piles of metal slag remain, each emitting a pleasing, melodic hum, and the integrated human body parts are nowhere to be found.”

That must’ve been when we lost contact, Cee.

And it looks like the next entry… Oh, I don’t like this at all. Molemen who attempted to continue into the tunnels were getting sunburned? A dreamy golden light, and that humming getting stronger and stronger…

Here’s the last entry. “My surviving team has told me they found a round chamber filled with light and song, in the center of which is a sarcophagus that seems to be the source of all our woes. And yet, even without eyes, I am compelled to see it for myself. I know not what this means, nor how the spirits of my fathers shall know me if I am polluted with vision, but I must go. I can hear it. Hear the singing. I must go…”

[HEAVENLY MUSIC BEGINS IN BACKGROUND]

Well, Coelacanth. Let’s go see what’s making everyone disappear.

[HEAVENLY MUSIC UP, COELACANTH WHIMPERS]

WINIFRED:

That can’t be good.

THE GOOD:

Incorrect. We are The Good.

WINIFRED:

Well, fu-

Hey y’all. This is Steph. And while I wasn’t paying attention, y’all got us up over three thousand downloads. Five months to the day. Thank you. I’m still stunned that we’re still going, so this was a genuine bonus. It felt like receiving an unexpected cupcake. And who doesn’t like a cupcake?

Wow. Episode Twelve. Only one more left in this first season, then we’ll be on hiatus until Midsummer, June 20th, for all your sacrificial bonfire needs. But there is something you could do for me in the meantime…

The best way for this weird little project to grow is through you. So please — mention us to your friends, share our social media posts, or even just torment your victims with repeated plays while they’re chained up in your soundproofed murder basement. Every little bit helps!

I have far too many folks to thank, of course. But y’all out there in the ether listening are at the top of the list.

We can’t be evil without you.