Episode 7: Healing the Heart

This week I want to talk about the different methods that I have used to help me heal my heart. If you’ve ever felt broken, lost, or unsure of how to move forward after any sort of trauma, this episode is for you. 

The things I have been through in my life have torn me down to feeling worthless, made me question what I am doing in this life, is it even worth it? Is it worth even trying to feel better? But I am here today, still healing, stronger, & more confident. You can do it, I promise it’s totally worth the work!

So let me start by sharing parts of my story. The majority of my trauma came from the abusive relationship with my first husband. I had it all, mental, emotional, physical & even sexual abuse. And I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again for those that haven’t listened to other episodes, you can be sexually abused in your marriage. No still means no, and if you have to make a choice on whether to have sex to avoid an argument or fight or have the argument or  fight, that is abuse. But all of the abuse came to an end when he committed suicide in front of me. There were other moments from our relationship that added to the trauma, like him putting a gun to my head on 2 different occasions. And other hurts & trauma have been here too, like hurts that were done to me after my mom passed away. And the trauma of going through my current husband being deathly ill & needing an organ transplant.

All of that led to me having emotions all over the place & sometimes not even having any emotions at all. I felt grief, relief, numbness, shame, & anger. And on top of all of that I was terrified of the future. After my first husband died, I was suddenly a single mom raising teenage girls, and I really didn’t know what I was going to do in those first few weeks. It caused deep anxiety & depression, sometimes feeling like going through all of this wasn’t worth it. Or there was no way I was going to make it.

When my current husband was facing his organ failure, the fear of losing my soulmate was all-consuming. I was terrified I would lose him before he got listed, or the transplant team would say he wasn’t eligible. This was truly out of my control. - Not that I was ever in control, but I like to think I was - I think control will have to be a whole separate topic! 

So how did my healing journey begin? 

Well first a side note, I have aphantasia, and for those that don’t know what it is, I can’t visualize things. Example, if I told you to visualize a green apple, do you actually “see” a green apple in your mind? I don’t. I have no images - it’s just “black” when I close my eyes to think of something like that. I have no images, only thoughts. So things like guided meditations don’t work well for me because I don’t “see” the visualizations, I just “think” about them. 

I preface with that because about 2 months after my first husband died I did EMDR
Therapy. This is Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It’s a type of therapy that turns off your fight or flight mode so you can process traumatic events. Let me tell you - this was fucking amazing. Like close to a miracle, amazing. 

I would replay his suicide in my head, every time I thought about it, it was like it had just happened. My first session of EMDR I tackled this event head on. It was amazing. When I was done, I was able to keep it out. It stopped replaying, and even now almost 8 years later, when I think about it, it is nowhere near as emotional or stressful and the thought only stays with me for 10-15 seconds before my mind moves on to something else. The EMDR let me stop and in a safe place, let my brain process the event step by step. I continued for a couple of months (before we moved) to process other things that had happened in our marriage too - like the gun to my head events.

So, please if you have or know someone who has PTSD of any kind, please look into EMDR therapy. I will put a link to info about it in the show notes.

So that was the start of my healing journey. Next was after we moved in with my mom, the local community center was doing a 6 week Iron Man Challenge that finished off with an Indoor Triathlon. Ya’ll I was not in shape in anyway. But for some reason this was calling out to me. So I signed up. The idea was to complete an Iron Man Challenge in 6 weeks - as your training to complete the indoor triathlon. 

WTF was I thinking? Well for 6 weeks, I did it. I was swimming at 5am and then back at the gym at lunch time to do spin classes & run on the treadmill. At the end of the 6 weeks, I had surpassed the mileage requirements for the Iron Man Challenge and that qualified me for the triathlon. 

Ya’ll - I did it! I came nowhere near to first place, but by God I didn’t come in last! And I didn’t quit. It was a 10 minute swim, 15 min bike ride, and 20 min on the treadmill. Let me tell you, if you’ve never swam for 10 minutes continuously, it is fucking hard! Even after training for 6 weeks, my lungs were not able to keep up, so I wound up doing the backstroke for most of my swim. But I fucking did it.

Let me explain briefly why this was so huge. See we had always been trying to lose weight & exercise, etc. And he would always blame me for sabotaging our plans. Every single time, it would be my fault for why we fell off track and didn’t reach our goals. And in a small, but very big way, this was my way to prove it wasn’t my fault. Even if it was only to myself. Because the gaslighting had been so much that I did believe that it was my fault before for us not succeeding. But this PROVED that it wasn’t me. Because I did it. All by myself. And had no one to sabotage me!

That in & of itself was such a huge confidence booster. Even though I didn’t lose any weight (because all I did was cardio), I proved to myself that I could do it. And that all of those other times before, it was NOT my fault for failing.

So after the triathlon I started working full time. And I just got kind of in a funk. With money, & not really knowing where I was going with my life. Raising the girls had become very complicated and ridden with conflict. And I was just tired. Not the physical kind of tired, but the mental & emotional kind of tired. I had just kind of shut off all of my emotions once again, just so I could get through the day.

So finally, I got tired of being tired & exhausted all of the time. I would go to work, come home & sleep until I had to go to work the next day. I didn’t want to do anything. Just sleep. Sleep has always been my coping mechanism… ever since I was a kid.

At the insistence of my sister, I finally went to my PCP and sought out medicine for my depression. I had taken meds way on back about 10 years before all of this, so I knew how they could help me. And they did. So for any of those thinking it’s not ok to take medicine, it is ok. They can help. 7 years later, I still take them and an anxiety medicine, and a medicine to help me stay asleep at night. Because even though I have been through this healing journey, life still happens and the medicines help me be able to deal with it and get through my day & be productive. So please don’t be ashamed if you take medicine or are thinking about taking medicine. The clarity it brought me when I first started was amazing. It was like I was living with this brain fog I didn’t know I had. It’s definitely worth looking into if you haven’t yet.

Once I started the meds I did seek out regular talk therapy. This really helped with dealing with my day to day life. It gave me the reassurance that I was doing the best I could. That I wasn’t the bad guy all of the time. It helped me talk through issues with the girls and others in my family. It helped me realize where my thoughts & actions originated from, and how to see that things weren’t my fault. And to stop taking responsibility for other people's actions.

Then my current husband got sick, I continued with my talk therapy as long as I could afford it throughout his illness. It was right around the time of his actual transplant that I stopped because I just didn’t have the extra $40 a week for it. But I was also in a much better place mentally to be able to handle what was happening. 

Once he got home from the hospital, we started attending church regularly. And started going to Celebrate Recovery on Friday nights at our church. Now I’ve mentioned this program before, but again, for those that haven’t heard that episode, here is what Celebrate Recovery is. It is a christian based 12 step program. But it is not focused on alcoholics or addiction. It is focused on the hurts, habits, & hang-ups that caused those things. So it’s for those of us that have been abused, the co-dependent people, the people who have been affected by the alcoholics & addicts. But it’s also for the alcoholics & addicts too. It is such a positive & welcoming environment, that is so truly non-judgemental. I will add a link in the show notes for it, if you’re interested in learning more or finding a local or online meeting. I highly recommend it. 

So anyway, I joined what they call their Step Study program. They do a men’s program & a women’s program. So it was about 10 or so women who meet once a week and work the 12 steps of the program. This is about a 9 month commitment & is very in-depth. This program allowed me to find my worthiness. To help me realize that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I can only control my thoughts, behaviors, and reactions. (here we are back to that control thing again!) 

During all of this I was able to also devote time to my creative side. I love doing crafts & art projects, coloring, painting, etc. Doing these things helps me keep my mind quiet & focused to the task at hand. It let’s me shut off my brain from all of the stress & worry of life. I’m not going to say it works 100% of the time, because again, I have control & perfectionism issues, so sometimes it takes me a while to even get started because I can’t decide what colors I want to use, or what project I want to do. So sometimes it’s just easier to color or paint by number. The decisions are already made for you, you just need to follow directions. But it is still “creative” and gets my mind somewhere else.

But going through the CR step study was what really started me off on my spiritual journey. I have discovered tarot & oracle cards, how to connect to my higher self and spirit guides & angels, and other “divination” tools. These have allowed me to find what I think is my soul’s purpose, which is helping others heal. In one way or another. Hence this podcast.

But this journey hasn’t been easy. There were times that I took pauses on my healing. There were moments I stopped working on myself, sometimes out of exhaustion or maybe even out of fear. But here’s the thing, healing is not a straight line. Just like life is not a straight line. It is a spiral that leads up & down. Sometimes the pauses are just part of the process, to put to work what you have learned, so you can move back up that spiral. And somehow, even when I got off track or felt like I was moving down, I would always be led back to the healing process.

Looking back, I truly believe that divine intervention guided me during those pauses. I was always brought back to the healing path, even when I didn’t know it at the time.

So where am I today, well, I am so much more confident and sure of myself. I have a “fuck it” attitude (or politely that “Let Them” attitude). Meaning, for the most part, I don’t let things bother me like they used to. Other people’s thoughts and opinions of me are not my business. If someone acts a certain way, or has a certain reaction, that is their business and is not a reflection of who I am. And I’ve learned to let go of what does not serve me. I know who I am and I understand what I am capable of. And I will not let someone tell me differently anymore.

Yes, I still take medication for depression & anxiety, but that doesn’t take away from the progress I’ve made. It is just one of the many tools in my tool bag. My spiritual journey and practices are helping me stay connected to my soul’s purpose, and I believe will be vital to my ongoing healing & personal growth.

Through all of this I’ve come to some big realizations. One is that I can endure anything. Pain is temporary. And everything happens for a reason. My pain, hurts, & traumas were not random or meaningless. They were part of my soul’s journey and purpose, guiding me to become the person I am today.

I truly believe that everything we go through is a stepping stone on our spiritual path. If you’re in the middle of it all, remember that your experiences are not in vain. They are preparing & shaping you for something much greater, much better in the future.

Up next I am going to give you some words affirmation for healing & empowerment that you can use to help move you through your journey of healing. So sit tight, I’ll be right back.

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I’m back, thank you so much for listening today. I hope my path of healing has sparked some hope or provided some new options for you to begin or continue on your path of healing your heart.

Here are some words of affirmation that you can say to help you move through your journey.

First, let’s start with 3 deep breaths.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

Now, repeat after me, either out loud, or to yourself:

I am worthy of love, peace, and happiness.

My past does not define me; I am creating my future.

I choose healing, growth, and self-compassion every day.

I release all negative beliefs about myself and embrace my inner power.

I am deserving of joy, success, and all the good things life has to offer.

My healing journey is unique, and I trust the timing of my process.

I honor my feelings, but they do not control me.

I forgive myself for past mistakes and give myself permission to heal.

I trust that everything in my life is unfolding for my highest good.

I am enough, just as I am, and I embrace the beauty of my journey.

I am worthy of healing, and I welcome it with open arms.

I release all fear and embrace the light of my true self.

I trust the journey of my life, even when I cannot see the whole path.

I am grateful for the lessons that my experiences have taught me.

I am worthy of peace, calm, and inner balance in all areas of my life.

I am open to receiving love, support, and guidance from the universe.

I love you.

Say these whenever you need to, when you start to doubt yourself, or when your journey starts to feel hard. Say them with me, and together we’ll give them the extra power to help you along your way.

I want to leave you with this: healing is possible. It’s not a straight road, but it is most definitely a journey worth taking. You can move beyond your traumas, and even if you don’t know what exactly your path looks like, know that you can find your way. 

If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, I encourage you to take one small step today towards healing - whether that’s reaching out for support, trying a new healing tool, repeating these affirmations, or just giving yourself some compassion. Any little bit is a positive step forward. No matter how small.

So, My Loves, thank you so very much for listening today, I hope you are feeling better about your healing path & that I have given you some hope that healing is possible. And if no one has told you today, I love you. I love you for who you are in this very moment. Please do not forget that!

Here are my parting words for you:

Have Faith. Give Grace. You are Worthy. And…. I Love You.