Alex: A quick heads up that this episode contains a mention of suicidal thoughts and bullying which could be upsetting to listen to. Please take care while you’re listening.

Sylvia: It was like a bolt of lightning had hit me and my life changed from that moment. It was absolutely mind blowing.

Alex: Today we’re hearing how a terrible childhood accident changed the course of Sylvia Mac’s life. And how – by sheer force of will – she rewrote her entire narrative in an instant.

Sylvia: I grew up in East London. So I'm a Cockney east end girl.

Alex: This is Sylvia. She’s a mum and a grandmother.

Sylvia: I have three children. And I also have three grandchildren. Which is, like just amazing. Love it. They mean the world to me. Family means everything.

Alex: Growing up, Sylvia was the youngest of five girls. Both her parents worked morning and night to put food on the table. Sylvia’s dad was a delivery driver; her mum was a domestic worker in the local hospital.

Sylvia: But we lived in like a two bedroom house. There was seven of us. So it was very cramped. It was really good for me because I was the so-called spoiled one. So you know, I was put on a pedestal quite a lot. But clearly, it wasn't just because I was the youngest; it was because of the accident that I had.

Alex: When Sylvia was two and a half years old, she was playing hide and seek with her older sister.

Sylvia: And I was hiding under the bed she’d find me and so on, so forth. And then we heard my mum say, like, don't go into the bathroom because of the boiling water.

Alex: Back then – this was the early 70s – the family home would get power cuts. So to avoid the bath water running cold, Sylvia’s mum would boil pots of water and leave them on the bathroom floor, so they’d be there to top up the bath if there was a power cut.

Alex: But Sylvia was only little, so she thought….

Sylvia: Well, why not? It's a good place to hide because clearly my sister's not gonna find me cuz she's, she's heard, you know, not to go in there. So I thought great, she’s never gonna find me, went in, shut the door. And I was, at that age, oblivious that there was a bowl of boiling water behind me that had just been put on the floor. And it was, it was at boiling point. And suddenly, there was a push and I went flying back into this bowl of boiling water. And it splashed up around my tummy down the left side of my leg. Obviously, I was screaming and then my mum came, and she picked me up and run me under the cold water.

Alex: Sylvia was in indescribable agony. An ambulance came and sped the little girl to hospital along with her dad. Her mum had to stay at home to look after the other four kids.

Sylvia: When we arrived there, they looked me over and they just said to my dad, I think you need to get on the phone to your wife because she's not going to survive. It's just a really bad accident that no two and a half year old would survive.

It was… it was terrible, especially as my dad asked for a priest to give my last rites, and to baptise me at the same time. So the priests got on the phone to my mom, and said, Look, this is what we're going to do.

And it must be really difficult for my mom to be at the other end of the phone and to hear that her daughter was basically dying. She’s on her way out – y’know, her youngest child her baby, it's, it must have been really awful.

Alex: Fortunately, another consultant took a look at Sylvia and recommended that she be taken to a different hospital that specialised in burns.

Sylvia: So the chances of that she could die along the way. But let's take a chance. So what they did, they got some police cars and blue lighted me all the way to Middlesex, which was miles away from London. And when I got there, they put me on life support. Several times, they said, you know, she's not going to survive, she’s not going to survive. And this went on for like days. And then one day I pulled through. They just lifted me up, turned me around, and I had like, a big hole in my back. And my mom went to scream and they said, like, just support her like, don't don't let her know that there's something you know…. don't make her aware that she's got this hole in her back, like just support her, don't scream, don't cry.

Alex: Sylvia had third and fourth degree burns on her body. Once she was strong enough to be off life support, she had a gruelling few months ahead of her, with countless operations.

Sylvia: All the skin grafts, all the surgery was the most difficult thing for me. It was really, really hard to deal with. Really painful.

Alex: One tiny silver lining of the tragedy is that Sylvia doesn’t have any memories of it – she was too young. Obviously, the same can’t be said for her mum.

Sylvia: My mum's a very strong woman. She was really strong, amazing mother, really good, caring, loving mother – exactly what a child needs. Especially when something like that happens, you know, always there for me.

She never ever said that she felt bad for what happened, but I could just feel it. Like I knew that, you know, the way she spoke about it. And the way she spoke to me because she used to come with me to every hospital appointment. And she'd always say to me, are you okay, does that hurt? Like always making sure I was okay. And I wasn't in pain. And so I knew from the questions that she asked me that she worried that…. what she you know, that she felt guilt. Just from the questions she'd asked me, I knew that.

Alex: School was tough for Sylvia. She always made sure to wear long-sleeved clothes that covered her scars; she couldn’t bear the idea of anyone knowing about them. That’s understandable, when you learn what happened to Sylvia on her very first day of secondary school.

Sylvia: And then I went in that day and did a PE lesson and, and the teacher said, right, we're going to do hockey.

Alex: After playing hockey, the teacher told the girls to file back into the changing rooms.

Sylvia: And she said, right everyone get changed. You're all gonna have a shower. And I just stood there. And I was like, No way. No way am I having a shower. This was not on the cards. Mum never told me this. I never knew about this. I got really angry.

Alex: This PE teacher. She was a large, intimidating woman. As Sylvia says, picture Miss Trunchbull, the scary headmistress from the book and movie, Matilda.

Sylvia: When the teacher said to me, you know, get change, I kind of like, went into this world of, you know, like, when you just stare into space, it was like, of nothingness. I was absolutely shocked at hearing what I’d heard.

Alex: Changing and showering there, at school — in front of people ….. it was unimaginable to Sylvia –- there was no way she could do that. But Miss Trunchbull had other ideas.

Sylvia: But she continually pushed me and said, shower, get changed, get changed. So I had to get changed in the end. Like, I don't know what else to do. It was my first day at school, imagine – everyone's getting changed, and I'm standing there. So I get changed, put the towel around me. And then as I come out, everyone was like, lining up to go into the shower, and I was the last one. I was at the back. And I said to the teacher, I can't shower. Look, please, please. Like, I can't really can't shower. I can't have a shower. And I couldn't tell her that I've got scars. I just could not say it. And I just was like pleading with and pleading with her and the line was going down and down. And I was watching her pull towels off of people, push them into the showers. She was really hard. And then when I got right up near the showers, she did exactly the same thing to me.

And I just wanted to to cry and I felt basically like crap.

Alex: This bully of a teacher whipped the towel off Sylvia;; shoved her into the freezing cold water – and then after five seconds, screamed at her to get out.

Sylvia: And I thought what was the point even of having a shower when you're just going to count 12345 out?!

It was a power game that she was playing and she kind of like threatened us. It was bad. It was really bad.

Alex: Sylvia was last in line so her classmates didn’t see her scars. But the teacher had.

Sylvia: She has now seen – not only seen me naked, fully naked – she's now seen all my scars. And that was really not good for me. Like I was not in a good space after that. She's gone over the line there, and I felt just violated by her. I felt so shocked and angry and sad and just such a mix of emotions. I don't know what to do.

Alex: When she got home, Sylvia told her mum what had happened. She promptly marched up to the school and spoke to the headmaster. They agreed Sylvia could sit out PE whenever she wanted to.

But it didn’t make school any easier.

Sylvia: I didn't want anyone to know about my scars, especially in school, because I just didn't want to be bullied or anything like that. I was a child that didn't want to be seen. So I always stayed at the back of the class. So I tried to keep myself as small as possible.

Alex: This deep fear of people seeing her scars continued into adulthood - especially when she started dating.

Sylvia: I’d have to basically sit them down and say, Hey, so yeah, I’ve got scars on my body, what do you think about that? And then one day I met someone who, who actually didn’t care about my scars. And they were like, Yeah, I’m happy with that. That’s your body, you know.

Alex: But even though Sylvia’s partner felt that way – she couldn’t accept herself.

Sylvia: Because I was very depressed over my body, and I couldn’t come to terms with my scarring, I began to be really negative. And I was very depressed. I suffered with anxiety, suicidal thoughts.

Alex: Sylvia began drinking more and more, trying to numb the pain.

She had hoped that having her first daughter would help….

Sylvia: But the only thing that changed was me having a child that I loved, and that child loved me in return. But I still couldn't understand I couldn’t… just couldn't get over the fact that I still wasn't happy. And it was because of the body that I was covering up, you know, just covering up the scars and, and I just didn't know how to deal with it. Because I don't want to tell anyone about them. And and then at times I did want to tell someone I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. And then at times I wished that it was on my face so that people knew and that I didn't have to go around and carry this little secret where it was like under the clothes, you know, and I just couldn't do anything. I just I just felt so trapped.

And there was times where, you know, I had moments where I just wanted to give up.

Alex: By 2016, Sylvia was in her 40s, and was really suffering. She was crying a lot, she would lock herself in her bedroom. Her family were really worried. So her mum decided to take her away on holiday.

They went to a beachside town, in Bulgaria.

Sylvia: I think I had one bikini that my sister had given me. And, you know, I had lots of costumes that I'd wear when we go to the beach or to the pool. And I always kept covered, same old thing, you know, putting the sarong up over the back. So no one can see my scars.

Alex: One hot afternoon, Sylvia was lying on a sun lounger by the hotel pool, next to her mum.

Sylvia: I was one in front of this guy and he sat behind me. And I noticed he had his phone up, because I had my sarong slightly down so you could see the scars at the top of my back. And he was filming me. I was so angry and so upset and I said to my mum, this guy is filming me mum, like, you know, I'm really angry. I got so upset. And then I remember like saying a few words to him, and then getting my phone out and filming him. And then he got up and walked off with his wife.

Alex: Her mum tried to reassure Sylvia, and said the man probably wasn’t filming her.

Sylvia: Calm down and stop it, you know, enjoy your holiday. And then she went, Oh, come on, let's go to the beach. So we got up, packed, everything went down to the beach.

Alex: They found some seats towards the back of the beach where it was quieter, a little away from the sea.

Sylvia: My mum started asking me about my scars. She said, Are you in pain? Do they hurt? Can I touch them? And I'm like, Mom, I’m fine, Mom, stop asking me. And she was like, Okay. And so I said, Look, you want to walk to the water's edge, go and dip our toes in the water. She said no.

Alex: So Sylvia got up, and began to walk down towards the water on her own.

Sylvia: And as I got halfway, I turned around. And I noticed my mum sitting on the end of the sun lounger with her head hung so low that it could almost touch the sand like she was feeling pain. I could feel from where I was standing, I could feel the pain. Like I could feel her hurt.

Alex: Sylvia kept walking towards the water. Suddenly she stopped in her tracks.

Sylvia: And something in me just said: sod this. No more. No more suffering. You look at what you're doing to your mom, you're hurting her, and this needs to stop. Sorry, I'm getting upset. And then I literally just pulled off my sarong, threw it down like it was a piece of a rag. I had the bikini on underneath and I put my hands on my hips and started smiling, waving to my mom, shouting:. Look at me. But in fact, I think I was saying to everyone: look at me. And literally, everyone sat up. And they started to stare at me. And I began strutting my way all the way back to my mum with my hand on my hip.

Alex: In her bikini, Sylvia was striding down the beach like it was a catwalk, grinning from ear to ear. Everyone else on the beach turned to look.

Sylvia: And I got over to her, I put my hand on her shoulder and I said, Mom, we're going to be alright, everything's gonna be alright, from now on, alright? And she looked at me and she just smiled and nodded. Like she knew exactly what I meant. But it was like a bolt of lightning and hit me and my life changed from that moment. It was absolutely mind blowing. I was suddenly super positive. It was like something just hit me. And I don't know what it was. And I can't even explain it. But I think I don't want to see my mom in pain anymore. And so I did it for my mom.

Alex: It was like Sylvia was saying to her mum: you don’t have to carry this burden for me anymore. You can let go of the guilt.

Sylvia: I wanted her to know that, that this wasn't her fault, and she shouldn't feel guilty. You know, this was nobody's fault. It was an accident. And I just wanted her to be happy.

And she deserves like all the greatness that comes her way because she supported me all my life and she doesn't deserve to be sad and upset. She doesn't need to be suffering.

Alex: In that moment, strutting down a beach in Bulgaria, Sylvia was only thinking of her mum. But when the other sunbathers turned to look at her… she realised something else.

Sylvia: I suddenly thought, do you know what, sod it, everyone can look at me, I don’t care. Like, this is my body. Like, you know, why should I? Why should I go through all the crap that I've been through? What I did for my mum changed my life forever.

Alex: When Sylvia got back from Bulgaria, she was determined to nurture her new positive outlook. She knew that she wanted to help others too. Her cousin suggested recording a video.

Sylvia: I cried in it. I was in a bikini. And I was saying to everyone, I don't want people to feel like this anymore. I don't want people to feel the way that I felt. You know, I want people to feel like embrace their bodies love their bodies.

Alex: She put the video on Facebook – and it really resonated with people.

Sylvia: There were so many people with visible differences, people with hidden differences, like scars, skin conditions, health conditions, disabilities, people suffering with their mental health, everyone was so inspired.

Alex: Sylvia decided to launch Love Disfigure, an online support network for people with visible differences. She’s since led a number of campaigns and fundraisers.

Sylvia: And that's what love disfigure is all about, it's about really challenging the so-called perfect body image and saying, actually, we are, you know, just as beautiful, we have got great bodies as well. And we want you to accept them.

Alex: Their latest campaign is tackling Instagram. Because Sylvia, and other people who have visible differences, had noticed something on the platform.

Sylvia: Pictures were being censored. We were being blocked, we were being reported our bodies as being violent. We were being shadow banned.

Alex: Now Sylvia is demanding better.

Sylvia: I want to now say to Instagram, don't say that you're diverse. Don't say you're inclusive, if you want to be talk to us, because we we will help you, we'll help you with your guidelines and your algorithms. Because there definitely needs to be change.

If I have to chain myself to the railings outside Instagram, I will! In a bikini!

Alex: Sylvia’s incredible transformation hasn’t gone unnoticed. In 2020, her eldest daughter nominated her for a Women of the Year award called Boots Wellness Warrior.

Sylvia: I won it and I was absolutely shocked to know that I'd won it. It's lovely. It’s just such an amazing feeling.

Alex: And through it all, there’s one person Sylvia is grateful to.

Sylvia: My mum has made me you know into this. And I always say to her, I just say to her, mum. Thanks. Like, what you've done for me is amazing. Like, I don't… I don't blame her for anything. I don’t blame her for the accident. I just praise her for being that strong woman that brought me up, cared for me, because now I've got a really strong, caring, supportive character. I'm like that with my children, my grandchildren. I'm like that with people. I treat people like they're my family.

Alex: In an era of challenging prejudice, Sylvia’s story reminds us how much there is still left to do. Having miraculously survived a horrific accident, Syvlia had to spend over 40 years living with a feeling of shame because of her own body. Her inability to accept herself compounded her mother’s feelings of guilt. The situation operated as a vicious cycle. Until, just as miraculously, Syvlia found the strength to stop hiding her body. She realised that accepting herself was the only way she could assuage her mother’s guilt. She also realised that it was the only way that she could be truly happy. Now she is campaigning for more visibility for those who do not conform to typical standards of beauty. Since our Instagram culture intensifies feelings of shame around non-typical body image, it is logical that Sylvia turns her attention to Instagram itself. Inclusivity ought not to be something that is embraced only when it suits profit. It ought to be a guiding principle for us all.