Siobhan: I feel like I've always been searching for that mother figure that's going to be someone who nurtures me and supports me and encourages me.

Alex: Fifteen years ago, a young woman with bleached hair, and lip piercings, sat alone in the cold, bare waiting room of an abortion clinic.

Siobhan: I was by myself and I was 20 years old. And I was in this hospital hoping to God no one saw me in case they told my parents.

Alex: She had a big decision to make.

Siobhan: I really didn't know, I didn't know what to do. I was frightened, and I wanted someone else to make the decision. You know, I felt like a child.

Alex: She knew she couldn’t talk to her mum about it – that was out of the question. Without anyone else to turn to, she confided in a consultant at the clinic.

Siobhan: And I remember him telling me that he carried out both deliveries of babies and abortions. So he said he had no, like, agenda. No judgement, he did both.

Alex: The consultant – a calm, quiet man in his 50s – he sat the girl down. And that morning in the clinic, he gave her some advice that changed the course of her entire life.

This is Siobhan Miller’s story. It’s a story about where we turn for guidance when the people who are supposed to be our role models,, let us down.

Siobhan’s mother has always been a huge influence in her life, but their relationship is complicated. They’re very different people.

Siobhan: She's a bit in denial, and certainly doesn't want to have difficult conversations. Whereas that’s something I love to have the difficult conversations, I love to unpack everything and analyse everything.

Alex: As a child, Siobhan was frightened of doing something wrong, or disappointing her mum.

Siobhan: She was this force. And when she was angry, she was angry. And she was not a wallflower. She was a strong character. And she sticks with her opinion and there was no changing it.

Alex: She had long dark hair, pale skin, freckles and hazel coloured eyes.

Siobhan: She was very beautiful and very Irish looking. When I think of her, her presence, it was like that she was a big person, not big in terms of large, but like tall: she felt to me that she was tall and she took up space.

Alex: She dedicated herself entirely to her children.

Siobhan: She was such a hard worker, I know that she'd be like up at the crack of dawn, and she would like, wouldn't go to bed til night, she’d never watch TV.

Alex: She’d be ironing and cleaning and washing, then teaching Siobhan and her siblings to read – – ferrying them to dance classes, netball, hockey, swimming.

Siobhan: Absolutely determined to give us a life that she didn't have. And that's the really good bit about my mum, like, for any fault she might have, you could not say she did not try her absolute best. To the point where she was a martyr really to her children, which I don't think is a good thing. She never did anything for herself; her whole life was taken up with providing for her children. But the downside to that is she had a very kind of clear vision of what she wanted us to be.

Alex: As Siobhan got older, this vision became crushing.

Siobhan: She wanted me to be a doctor. And so in her mind, there was no other avenue for me. And I found that very difficult because I had no desire to be a doctor whatsoever

Alex: In secret, Siobhan chose media and drama for her A-levels, and didn’t tell her mum.

Siobhan: There was no negotiation and there was no room for me to do the things that I wanted to do with my life. And she took that very personally like, like I have given you everything and now you're throwing it away.

Alex: Siobhan see-sawed between feeling guilty and angry.

My mum was very strict. We had such a tumultuous relationship, where I really wasn't supported in what I wanted to do. And so we just fought a lot.

Alex: Things came to a head when Siobhan was 17. She decided she couldn’t take it anymore – the lying, the stifling atmosphere, all the rules.

Siobhan: So I’d made this plan. I had a boyfriend at school, his family had a house with a spare room.

Alex: Siobhan was going to leave home. The plan was to finish her A-levels while living at the boyfriend’s house. She’d saved up some money from her weekend jobs.

Siobhan: It really felt like my only way of surviving this and being happy was to free myself from that house which I felt was very restrictive and oppressive.

Alex: The time came to tell her mother. She came into Siobhan’s childhood bedroom.

Siobhan: I had this really strange large desk that you would expect to see in an office. And so I was sat in that kind of swivel office chair, and my mum was sat on the edge of my bed when I spoke to her.

Alex: Siobhan was shaking. She felt sick.

Siobhan: I was absolutely petrified. And I really thought she was going to lose her call and shout and scream and be really mad. I remember telling her very, like, clearly that I'm going, I'm moving out. And if you try to stop me or prevent me, then I will leave and go to Australia.

Alex: As the words were coming out of her mouth, Siobhan winced – – bracing herself for the inevitable screaming, the punishment, the backlash.

But it never came.

Siobhan: Her reaction was very calm. And she basically consented to me leaving.

Alex: Siobhan was shocked.

Siobhan: Because this was a mum who wouldn't even like let me go out in the evening with my friends. And now I'm telling her I'm leaving home. And also, this is someone who cares so much about appearances, that your daughter leaving home at 17 doesn't look good

I expected that there would be these big huge arguments and conversations and… but she didn't try to persuade me to stay and she didn't tell me I couldn't go, and I still to this day don't really know why… Something in the way that I must have said it, she must have realised I was serious.

Alex: Days later, Siobhan moved out. She finished her A-levels, spent a year working in Canada, and then went off to university.

Siobhan spent her first year of uni like most other students: knocking back one pound shots and skipping lectures.

Siobhan: I was making friends and having fun and having a great time

Alex: But all that came to an abrupt end during the summer holidays after first year, when Siobhan found out she was pregnant. Which brings us back to that stark abortion clinic. And Siobhan sitting there, alone, without her mum, facing a huge decision.

Alex: She told the consultant that she didn’t think she would be a good parent.

Siobhan: I had bleached blonde hair, had a nose piercing and lip piercing. You know, I was just living my best life. And I said, I felt like people would judge me, worried about what people thought.

Alex: The consultant’s response caught Siobhan off guard.

Siobhan: He said something like, of all the people he’d met today, I seem like the most capable of being a mother. Whether that was true or not, I have no idea. But those were the words I needed to hear. I needed someone, like an adult, to tell me you can do this.

So that's exactly what I did. I bought a box dye, I dyed my hair brown, took my piercings out, and decided to keep my baby.

Alex: Unfortunately, when Siobhan told her mum about the pregnancy – it didn’t go down well.

Siobhan: She was like, You're gonna ruin your life. Like, I can't believe you're doing this. You're throwing everything away. I've sacrificed so much for you. Basically you’re bringing absolute shame on the family. And she obviously thought my degree was gonna go down the pan, you know, was never going to get a job.

Alex: But being treated like this only lit a fire within Siobhan.

Siobhan: It definitely set me on this kind of path that I will, you know, work really hard to get a good degree. Almost like, I'm going to prove myself to my mum, like, I'm going to prove her wrong.

Alex: Gone were the house parties and cheap booze – Siobhan was laser focussed on doing well at uni.

Siobhan: I literally took my newborn baby to uni with me, and I used to put him in a car seat, have him underneath the table whilst I was in the lectures and the seminars. I used to breastfeed him in the student union bar.

Alex: There were two drama professors that Siobhan particularly looked up to.

Siobhan: Caroline and Craig. And they were kind of like a duo, like a dream team. Caroline… she was so supportive of me becoming a parent.

Alex: And during the interactive drama workshops, Craig would sling Siobhan’s little one up on his shoulder.

Siobhan: He would just sort of carry my little tiny baby around with him going between the groups and the different rooms.

Alex: Siobhan graduated with first class honours – her son was there with her at the graduation.

Siobhan: I absolutely wanted to prove that you're all wrong. Like it was only my mum that was saying it, but I felt like the general kind of societal attitude towards me was, ‘you're going to be a young single good for nothing mother’. And I was like, determined to not be that.

Alex: She moved to London and got a full time job in marketing – balancing work with being a single parent.

Siobhan: And there was often times when I couldn't afford to buy food to make a meal, you know, I would just buy kind of carrots and mash that up for my son. It's not been easy, but it's been, it's been the absolute best. And I would do that again over and over again.

Having my son at 20 was the best thing that happened to me.

Alex: Siobhan went on to have two more little boys.

Siobhan: With each of my children's birth, that has been like a pivotal moment for me and a catalyst for me to do something.

Alex: The birth of Siobhan’s first son was really difficult, and she suffered postnatal anxiety afterwards. The arrival of her second son seven years later was radically different.

Siobhan: I was able to afford private Hypnobirthing classes, I was empowered with the knowledge, I had an incredibly magical home birth experience where I gave birth without any intervention, no pain relief, I felt invincible, and that was like, gave me a confidence that can ever be taken. And from that moment, I was like, This is what I want to do – like everybody should have access to that.

How is it that the amount of disposable income you have dictates how your birth is going to go and how you get to start out life being a parent? I feel like education should be equal access . And that – that was the fire for me starting the Positive Birth Company .

Alex: The Positive Birth Company empowers parents-to-be with affordable and inclusive information about pregnancy and trying to conceive.

Siobhan: I feel like everything I did in my life equipped me with what I needed to be able to do what I'm doing now.

Alex: Her degree, and early jobs,, then on to a psychology masters, and training as a hypnobirthing teacher – but most importantly, the birth of her three sons – – all that knowledge and experience is now funnelled into supporting new parents, at some of the most challenging times in their lives.

Siobhan: The one that sits with me the most is this woman who actually had a stillbirth. And she found out that her baby had passed away just before he was due to be born. And she had to give birth to him and she was terrified.

And she'd used everything she’d learned in Hypnobirthing to be able to have a positive, empowering and beautiful birth, even though she knew that her baby was not going to be alive.

She said she felt like everything had been taken from her. That the only thing that she could give her baby was a beautiful calm birth, and that she had that – that's what she could give him. And that's what she did. And she said that's the only positive she has from that heartbreaking time was that she got to give birth to him in a really calm and gentle way.

Alex: Knowing that those tools and techniques helped someone in her darkest hour… meant the world to Siobhan.

Siobhan: I’m in awe. So… so honoured to have been able to play a small part and provide some help. She's more a role model for me. Like how she navigated that experience, I think of her and I think, got to try and find the positives, even in the darkest times, I think she's inspirational

Alex: Looking back, Siobhan can see how having a difficult relationship with her mum impacted, and changed the course of her life.

Siobhan: I've always really looked for, like a parental figure or a mother figure in other people. So I've always been very close to like certain teachers at school, or people at university, or people I've met in the workplace. I feel like I've always been searching for that mother figure that's going to be someone who nurtures me and supports me and encourages me, and tells me I'm doing great.

I really just like tried to do my absolute best. But the sad thing is my best was dictated by other people. So I tried to live up to other standards, and put myself under so much pressure. Whereas now I think my best is doing my best by me and by my children, and I don't feel any pressure to conform to other standards.

Alex: Siobhan is currently expecting her fourth baby.

Siobhan: Now I'm becoming a solo parent by choice. All these years later, I'm so proud of being a single mum.

Alex: And she’s not the only one who’s proud.

Siobhan: My mum has become for sure, more open minded, as she's gotten older. And she's really supportive. So that's a huge change for her, you know, I'm actively, intentionally having a baby by myself.

Alex: Siobhan has changed too. She no longer sees things only in black and white.

Siobhan: And so instead of fighting everything that I think she may say that is wrong, or trying to correct her, I am a lot more kind of accepting, because of the value I get from that relationship. So we are closer now. And I think also, as I've got older, I've come to realise that … I understand she tried her best, like nothing was malicious. And she can only go on what she knew and her experience. And I can only try and parent on my experience.

Alex: Even now she’s 66 years old, Siobhan’s mum is still an extremely hard worker.

Siobhan: Up until very recently, she's worked for the NHS. And she works like runs clinics and stuff, but when she's not doing that she is literally up, and I'm not joking, up ladders, repairing tiles on roofs, like doing cutting hedges, like climbing trees to like, do things like there is literally no stopping her. There isn't. And that's what I've come to kind of respect about her

And I think that drive – she has given to me, which is both a blessing and a curse. And that drive and work ethic has enabled me to create this business. But also, I am now having to learn how to relax, and how to disentangle the importance of relaxing for your well being from feeling shame about being lazy or guilty. So that's like the downside to it. But I certainly owe a lot to my mum.

Alex: Siobhan’s relationship with her mother demonstrates how important it is to have the space to truly become ourselves. From listening to Siobhan’s experiences growing up, no-one could question the level of dedication and sacrifice her mother showed. However, her mother’s powerful personality made it difficult for Siobhan to pursue her own ambitions. Siobhan decided that she needed independence in order to grow. Getting that independence has allowed her to appreciate the values her mother instilled in her and to draw from the positive aspects of her upbringing. In this way, her mother has been able to be something of a role model. Yet, becoming independent has also allowed Siobhan to uncover the aspects of life that truly matter to her. She has discovered this through both her own parenthood and the ways in which she has helped others to become parents themselves.