E101 - (PA) Haunted By His Voice...Escaping The Feeling That You're Worthless After Narcissistic Abuse

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[00:00:00] By the end of today's episode, it will make so much more sense why you feel worthless, and why you feel like you can't get your ex's voice out of your head.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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I know you have probably felt like no matter what you do, it's never enough. No matter how much you love, no matter how much effort you put in, how many books you read, how much therapy you do, how much you sacrifice, how much you give that deep down, you're still left with this gnawing belief that I am worthless, I am unlovable,

and I will never be enough. And when you have that voice going through your head, you can have these moments of awareness that is like, I hear him, I [00:01:00] hear his criticism.

And maybe he's not even there anymore. Maybe you have split up and don't even have any contact with him yet. You still hear his voice in the back of your head. You're still haunted by what he used to say to you day in and day out in the relationship.

If that resonates, this conversation is for you because starting to adopt someone else's beliefs as your own being sucked into this cycle of feeling like you are everything to someone and then you're nothing is part of the narcissistic cycle.

It doesn't just wound your heart. This type of experience really rewrites your entire sense of self and your worth

at the deepest level, which is why it's so important to get that haunting voice out of your head to break free and end this nightmare that is affecting you in your reality. So I'm so glad you're here, and in this episode, you are going to discover why you've internalized his abuse as your own thoughts.

You're going to understand the [00:02:00] real cost of believing that you're worthless. Like what? What is this doing to you on a day-to-day basis? And you're going to understand how his voice became this narrator of your life story in the first place.

And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode 'cause I will pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use to, to center around this week to stay more anchored in your healing.

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So this voice, this voice that you are worthless, this voice that you feel haunted by. I have had that voice as well when I got out of my last relationship. And so I know that you have heard yourself think, will I ever be enough for him? Why can't I just be enough for him? Maybe if I was prettier or smarter or calmer, he wouldn't have these anger episodes and you think maybe he's right. Maybe he is the only one who can love me because I am so much in a relationship. [00:03:00] I am causing fights. I am making him upset. I am not communicating correctly. All of the blame is on you, and you think it's me. So you shrink and you. apologize for existing. You apologize for taking up space, for having needs.

You stop bringing things to the table because it's just easier to not fight about it anymore. Nothing that you say feels like it's worth anything or makes any sort of movement, so you just stop speaking. And I did too. And that's a really lonely place to be because you are then isolated in this place of just anticipating his needs at all costs, just to keep the peace. And when we do that, we slowly die inside. We are slowly chipping away more and more of ourself, feeling more and more like a shell and lost in the relationship.

You don't [00:04:00] get to this point of resignation without trying, because I know that you have given so much in trying to do more, trying to prove yourself, trying to overgive, trying to work harder, trying to do the thing that will make him see you, make him love you, make him come back into what it felt like in the beginning.

You try pretending that you're fine and convincing everyone else that you're fine and that relationships are just supposed to be hard, and this is par for the course and you focus your energy, your effort on trying harder.

Maybe you dive further into the self-help books or further into the podcasts, further into understanding narcissism, further into understanding attachment styles, maybe doing your own therapy. And you just try and try and try and try.

But no matter how hard you try, no matter how many things you do or how many things you learn to try to bring back into the relationship. It, it's, it's the same feeling of desperation and [00:05:00] hopelessness. It's the same. Banging your head on the brick wall and feeling like nothing is ever going to work and it must be my fault, and getting sucked down deeper into that well of despair.

The amount of mental energy and the amount of time that this steals from you is. Tremendous. I had a client tell me that she used to stay awake at night rehearsing what she would say differently next time or rehearsing what she would say in some, in a conversation that she wanted to bring up with her, her now ex, because she's like, if I just could do it better, then maybe I would avoid the fight.

Maybe he would actually hear me. Maybe we could actually communicate and she would. Ruminate and, and sit in this anxiety for days and would lose sleep over rehearsing and preparing. And it was never just an easy conversation. And I can relate so deeply to that [00:06:00] in my own past relationship as well. It was like a full-time job trying to think of the ways that I could bring something up that was important to me without leaving that conversation, feeling defeated and like it was my fault, and it causing a silent treatment and more tension in the home. It's like, it's like we, we spend all of our time and our energy on preparing and on them and on on focusing on them

that we abandon ourselves.

We abandon ourselves over and over and over again just to avoid being abandoned by them, by them being angry and leaving, and therefore confirming the worthlessness.

When you have a deep rooted belief that you are worthless and unlovable, and by the way, this can be things that you're being told explicitly him saying, you are too much. No one is ever gonna be able to love you.

Or maybe they're hitting on beliefs that you've already had that were kind of dormant, but they're coming to the [00:07:00] surface now and you're really starting to believe that you are just worthless and completely unlovable when those are, are running your day to day.

This is what it looks like. It looks like you settling for crumbs of affection that comes sporadically from your person because you believe that that's all you deserve, or you believe there's nothing better than that. It's not gonna get better than that. Boundaries are so far out of your vocabulary that you co, that you are completely exhausted and depleted.

The stakes are way too high to try to set a boundary if you're already feeling unlovable.

You keep paying for him. You keep covering his part of the mortgage or his part of the rent. You keep giving him the benefit of the doubt for not being able to get a job or not being able to keep a job because again, there's no space for rocking the boat.

There's no space for trying to hold him accountable.

If you have kids, your kids are observing. You [00:08:00] shrink around him. They're observing. You talk poorly about yourself, they're watching you lose yourself. It's like the longer that you are in that place of not feeling worthy. The more quickly that mental abuse sinks in deeper and deeper and just perpetuates this inner dialogue, his voice then eventually overpowers your own knowing, your own intuition.

It overpowers the self that you were before him and you become a shell of the person that you used to know. And as this goes on, you're not just trying to combat what you're being told explicitly. You start to fight the you that he created within your own mind.

And these beliefs are sneaky. These beliefs are so sneaky because, the narcissistic cycle is designed to make you feel worthless. It's designed to keep you under the control of. That person so that he can [00:09:00] manipulate how you feel about yourself. He can bring you closer. He can push you away.

He can, he can reiterate to himself that he is in control of your emotional state, because that's what narcissistic people want. They want control.

And oftentimes the narcissistic person will pick up on some beliefs that you had even before them and really play into that and really bring them to the service and make them bigger and bigger and bigger until they feel all consuming. The longer that you play into this voice in your head, the longer he has you trapped, the longer that he can puppeteer your reality, even if he's miles away and even if the relationship is over.

And if you're hearing this and you're like, oh my God, I'm doing it wrong. I'm, I'm failing. I'm fucking up again. I want you to know that, that wanting your partner to like see you and to love you and to care about you is human I know that you want him to validate you [00:10:00] and all that you've done for him.

I know you want him to see all the effort and the time given and how hard you've worked.

I know you want him to acknowledge all of the money that you've spent, the time that you have given, the laundry that you have done, the excuses that you have covered for him. You want him to say, you are lovable. I love you, and you want him to mean it.

It makes sense that you want this from the person that you are spending your life with. It makes sense that even after you've left the relationship, there's a part of you that still wants that, that acknowledgement, that validation that wants to be seen, but if you keep waiting for a narcissistic person to validate you, you will wait forever.

Validation is not in the narcissistic vocabulary, and if it comes out of their mouth, it is not genuine. So it is [00:11:00] not in their, their innate nature to be able to validate another person authentically. They're operating from the mode of needing the validation and needing to be in control.

Their power depends on you doubting your worth. So the way out of this is not convincing them, it's not trying to get the validation from them. It's convincing yourself.

Reclaiming this worthiness or maybe building the worthiness for the first time means evicting his voice and learning to trust your own. Again, it means stopping the loop that he's put you in or that he's really engraved in your head.

And choosing a new thought process, a new thought pattern, something that is your truth, not his.

And changing that thought process, changing that, that grooved pathway in your brain will feel uncomfortable. It will feel unfamiliar, and you will [00:12:00] resist it because our mind and our body likes predictability. It likes familiarity. So it will take intentionality. It will take effort to remind yourself of the new belief

to process all the feelings around the worthlessness in order to create the new belief, in order to meet yourself in that self energy and build that safety with yourself, that knowing of your innate lovability, your innate worthiness, so that you can operate in life and in relationships from that place.

Imagine in your next future relationship at whatever point that is. Imagine being able to speak up for yourself because you know that you deserve more or you know that your needs just matter. Period.

Imagine being able to recognize when somebody is not giving you their, their equal share in a partnership. Not giving their 50% and being able to bring that up to them or, and [00:13:00] or being able to walk away knowing that you deserve more.

And regardless of relationships at all, just being able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of the woman that you are. Not look at her and think, oh my God, this, this and this, and this is wrong with you. But being able to say, wow, I am no longer settling. I'm no longer just surviving.

That life is within reach.

So this is what I want to leave you with.

If his voice in your head has become your own, if you have gaslit yourself and shrunk and are believing the terrible things that he says or implies about you, and it's making you feel worthless and small,

I see you and you're not alone, but I know that you want to believe in yourself. I know that you want to believe in your worth again, and silence his voice so that you can amplify your own [00:14:00] intuition so that you can come back into. The Feeling and the knowing and the safety within yourself,

Which is why I am here, and I'm dedicating this life to be able to hold space for women who are doing exactly that. In my coaching programs, I help women break out of this narcissistic cycle. To heal the wounds of self abandonment and really like redefine their self-love.

Step into that love for themselves and another from a place of feeling worthy because we have to feel worthy about ourselves before we can show up for anybody else.

So if you are ready to stop settling, to stop living in fear, to start believing in your value, I want you to please go to the show notes and click through to schedule a free intro session with me.

Book a call, and let's get this haunting voice out of your brain so that you can come back into peace with [00:15:00] yourself. You deserve that freedom. Okay. Now to pull your Oracle card for the week, I'm just going to tune into what is the message that is needed for you this week. And the card that has come out is say the thing. So I'm gonna find, say the thing in the book and I'll read to you what it says. Say the thing is requiring you to speak aloud.

The thing that you have kept silent. Give it voice. Allow the courage in your belly to bring the fire. Say it loud, whisper it. Keep your eyes closed if you must, but say the thing. It's time to give voice to the unspoken truth of your knowing. It can be scary. Yes. Once you say the thing that lives in the world, you can't take it back, which is actually great because it has lived in you for too long.

Others may not like it, and that's okay. You may want to shrink away and hide and constrict after you say it. That's okay too. Say the thing is here to let you know that it's time to speak up. You'll [00:16:00] be silent. No more speak out. Say the thing you'll wish you had done it sooner. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say the thing, but be allowed or be able to say the thing because you've done the work to understand that you are worth saying the thing.

If you are on this journey of wanting to rebuild that worthiness, wanting to rebuild that, that baseline confidence, like you are so brave. You are so brave to do this for yourself, for your own life, for your kids, if you have kids or your future kids, if you want kids, you are setting such a good example for how to show up for yourself.

And I see you in that. So well done. I see you on your journey. I look forward to seeing you in your intro session, and until I see you in the next episode, please, please remember that you are not alone. [00:17:00]